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July 2018...
orsmupdate 2018.07.12-20.27

Welcome to always the Padawan never the Jedi.

Have been smashing it hard this week. Have got absolutely shit loads done but can't help but think it's for nothing. Why? Because its quiet. Or at least it feels quiet. Something to do with all you fuckers in the stupid hemisphere enjoying the summer whilst we flounder in the cold one. Also have a feeling that I'm just inventing reasons to reinforce to myself, and for that matter pretty much anyone who will listen, that I'm in dire need of a week or two break. Preferably somewhere warm, where weekday drinking is okay, maybe even a sleep-in past 7am thrown in for good measure. I know it's a lot to ask for but one can dream. Or they can check it...


THIS IS NOT A SCAM. If you're 18 or older and you looking to receive $300 to $800 a week. Go get a fucking job.
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods". The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Two old boys got together to do some fishing. One of them brought along a jar of 'shine' to sip on while they were fishing. After an hour or so it had gotten hot and the minnows were moving pretty slow in the bucket so one of them drizzled a little 'shine' into the minnow bucket and they perked right up. So he re-baited his hook, did a quick dip with the minnow in the 'shine' and cast it out on the water. The bait had barely settled when the line started to sing off the reel. He pulled up on the pole, got the fish turned around and started reeling it in. It was pull up on the pole and crank in the slack. Pull and crank, pull and crank and the fish finally came alongside the boat. It was a 30-inch pike and the minnow had it right by the jaw.
A very tired nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Standing at the teller's window, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write a check. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and says without missing a beat "Well, that's great... that's just great... some arseholes got my pen!"
The teacher asked "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?" Mary answered "A chicken gives eggs!" The teacher then asked "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?" And Paul answered "A goat gives goat milk!" And finally, the teacher asked "Well now, who can tell me what a cow gives?" And Little Johnny replied "Homework and lessons!"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO..." answered the blonde " They're watch dogs!"
A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word". The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium. The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it".
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
A wife complains to her husband: "Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?" The husband: "Are you mad? I barely know that woman!"

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Lil SuckerPerfect Little Cock Sucker Does Exactly As She's Told - Don't TipThe Single Worst Camshow In Russia - No HumanityInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Pump PowerDAMN... Dude's Got The Pumping Power Of A Jack Hammer! - Attention WhoreWow, Being An Attention Whore Really Back Fired On Her Virgin Butthole! - Bit ObviousFucking At The Park?? Never Doing That Again... - Dry AnalNever Video Yourself Crying During Dry Anal... Never - Gettin' Rekt27 People Definitely Having A Shittier Day Than You - G F-ing DamnIt's Not Often, That A Pornstar's Is So Hot, That She Could Easily Also Work As A Victoria's Secret Runway Model. But In Lily Ivy's Case It's Certainly True. She's Super-Hot And We Can Be Glad She Choose Porn Over Modelling!

The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word - ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said "Soup's cold". His astonished mother exclaimed "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you've never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied "Up until now, everything's been okay".
The sales assistant showed the man the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'" said the sales assistant. "It's $285 a bottle". "Listen" the man shot back "for $285 a bottle, I don't want something called 'Perhaps' I want something called... "You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !!"
Mommy sighs, knowing this day would come so she sits her daughter down for a long talk about the birds and the bees. After Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies, the little girl is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks. "Yes" replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies". "Wowwww" the girl exclaims "my daddy can do ANYTHING!"
Close your eyes and rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand and a testicle in the other, it's hard to tell the difference. It also gets you banned from Aldi.


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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks "What are you up to?" Alice smiles and says "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife up safely in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back towards his wife's location.

As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife, and again he hears her yell "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"



LOVE ME SOME VAGINA previously on Orsm: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you".

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.

"Congratulations for WHAT?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty". "That's simply impossible son" says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets".


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Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".

Ed was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken".

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.

"So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling Inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never" said Ed. "Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard... "ED!! WAKE UP! You're shitting in the bed!"



ASSES previously: #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: DR. GEEZER'S CLINIC. GET YOUR TREATMENT FOR $500. IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $1,000.

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make an easy $1,000. So, he went to see Dr. Geezer.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh!! This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500".

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't! That's gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young, now down a cool $1000, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything".
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story: Just because you're Young doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.

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Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir".

The driver says "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating".

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise control".

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"

The wife smiles demurely and says "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher".

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine".

The driver says "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket".

The wife says "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving".

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking".



CATWALK NIP SLIPS previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual encounters; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a sexually transmitted disease to his sister-in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived" said the politician "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession".

Moral of the story: Don't be late.


RANDOM SHITE 2018 07 12

OLDER SHITE: 5th July - 28th June - 21st June - 14th June - 7th June - 31st May - 24th May - 17th May - MORE >>

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A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop".

"Now John, things could be worse" said Bob. "How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!"

"But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it... my damn pants fell down".

"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!!"



Previously on Orsm: REAL WIVES #3 - REAL WIVES #2 - REAL WIVES #1 - MORE >>

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says "I did some schoolwork". The robot slaps the son.

The son says "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies".

Dad asks "What movie did you watch?" Son says "Toy Story". The robot slaps the son.

Son says "OK, OK. We were watching porn!" Dad says "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was". The robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says "Well, he certainly is your son". The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.




A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, in Room 302".

The operator replied "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse". After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday".

The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news". The operator replied "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?"

The grandmother said "No, I'm Noreen in room 302. No one tells me shit!"


Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. What else are you gonna go do? Spennd time with your 'friends'?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Has admittedly been a struggle to hit deadline lately but that hasn’t stopped me... yet.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will put the soccer team back in the cave.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my front lawn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2018.07.05-21.14

Welcome to keto Quokka recipes.

Yes this update is running late. It's been one of those weeks. And by that I mean one of the good ones where I got fuckloads done. The update and all its awesomeness and, dare I say it, its orsmness, very much reflect that. So without further adieu... check it...


A missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself "I'm toast". A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief". So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay... NOW you're toast!"
The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness? 9.58 seconds over 100 metres.
One summer, the company Dave worked for transferred him to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor. All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had the smallest dick he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doc asked. "Shit, no" Dave said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime". "What about at night?" the doc asked. "Nights are no problem" Dave said "'cause there's two of us looking for it then".
The wondrously stacked blonde appeared at her door in a strapless evening gown that defied gravity. "Terrific!" said her admiring escort. "I don't see what holds that dress up!" "Play your cards right, dear, and you will" she murmured.
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that".
BOY: [calls 911] "Hello? I need your help!" 911: "All right, what is it?" BOY: "Two girls are fighting over me!" 911: "So what's your emergency?" BOY: "The ugly one is winning".
My friend hates to exercise, which means the treadmill in her bedroom barely gets used. Nevertheless, she swears by it. "It really works" she told me. "I throw my jeans over it and they get smaller".
Q. Do you know why no woman will ever be truly satisfied? A. Because no man will ever have a Chocolate Penis that ejaculates Money!
I was playing Scrabble and put down S-P-A-S-T-I-C. Got a cripple word score for that.
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying "Grandpa, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colours yourself!"
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked "What is the usual tip?" "Well" replied the youth "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great". "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars". "Thanks" replied the youth "I'll put this in my school fund". "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. The lad smiled and said "Applied psychology".
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theatre was ready to close for the night. "You folks must've enjoyed the show" the usher said. "Disgusting " said the old lady. "It was revolting" her husband added. "Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks. "We had to wait until you turned up the house lights" the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"

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FacialedAya Matsuki Gets Cum On Pubic Hair From Sucked Boner After Fuck - InhumanityInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Butts #141Phun's Bonus Butts Dump #141 - Daring 3wayCracking Her Anal Cherry At The Bus Stop??? WTF! - Stop CryingDude, Stick A Sock In Her Mouth. Who Can Cum With All That Crying? - It HURTS!When You Look Up The Word Brutal, Wikipedia Should Have This Anal Video As A Description - WinningIf You're Tired Of The Normal Commute... Go To Sweden! - Dig DeepTalent Comes In All Shapes And Sizes And Diameters - Micaela WOWMicaela Schafer: Perfect In Literally Every Possible Way - 2 PhunnyFunny Pictures DCCXII

Alien PornoMy gut instinct tells me the era of slasher movies is dead when the practical effects guys start taking on jobs like this. The Friday the 13th reboot was bad. Cult of Chucky sucked. The new Halloween might work... but nothing can prepare you for this alternate ending to Fire in the Sky. - Outdoor AnalStuffing Her Asshole On A Mountain Top - Modern "Art"Solid Proof That Modern Art Is Fucking Ridiculous - Perfect Yes?Pretty Sure This Is An Old Set Of Jenya D Looking Great In A Hat... And How About Her Boobs!? They Are Fantastic! - Sweet RackKendall Jenner Breasts In See Through Dress - No Daddy!Stepdad Doesn't Take No For An Answer For Anal - True LoveJust Another Day In Berlin... Keep Moving... Nothing To See Here... - Tight B-HoleHe Barely Lasted 2 Minutes In That Tight Butthole!! - Dogging ItDESTROYING An Arse The German Way...

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says "Man, where have you been?" "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law". "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" "She wouldn't lie still!"
Sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.
She's single. Lives right across the road. I can see her place from my window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and knocked on my door. I rushed to open it. She looks at me and tells me "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have sex all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I quickly replied "Nope, I'm free, and I have no plans at all!" She approached the issue... "Great! Could you watch my dog?" Being a senior citizen really SUCKS sometimes!
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked "Is it on or off?"
If size doesn't matter, why don't they make 4" dildos?


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A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar" he replied. "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?" "I will study" the young man replied "and God will provide for us".

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father. "I will concentrate on my studies" the young man replied "God will provide for us".

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide" replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this... and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked "How did your talk go, honey?" The father answered "Another Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans and he thinks I'm God".



Previously: #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours".

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year".


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Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant "Steve's Place" and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired "Why the spoon?"

"Well" he explained "the restaurant's owner hired a consulting company to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

"If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift".

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now". I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our

you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well" he whispered "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon".



Previously : BALCONY #6 - BALCONY #5 - BALCONY #4 - BALCONY #3 - BALCONY #2 - BALCONY #1 - MORE >>

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AARON - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
ADAM - cute, funny, chicks dig him, well hung but very caring.
ADRIAN - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
ALAN - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
ALEX - cute and short but a liar and a cheat.
AMIR - dirty, smelly. pecker is minuscule.
ANDY - boring and has a small pecker.
ANDREW - gay and still has a small pecker.
ANTONIO - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
ANTHONY - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of weed.
ARNOLD - loser.
ARTHUR - hung like a slave and celibate.
BARRY - lights fires, pinches girls butts and is well hung.
BEN - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.
BOB - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
BRADLEY - thinks everyone likes him... but they don't.
BRANDON - good looking but uses girls.
BRENDAN - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
BRETT - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
BRIAN - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the messiah he's just a naughty boy.
BRYAN - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
BRONSON - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
BRUCE - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
BRYCE - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
CAL - immature in a naive way, drives an old Holden Gemini.
CAMERON - wanker of the first order.
CARL - thinks he's funny... he's not. falls asleep during sex.
CARSON - fun to be around and really sensitive.
CHAD - cute, sensitive and very studly. only found in American movies no real person has that name.
CHARLES - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
CHRIS - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
CHRISTIAN - very sexy and seductive (think 'legends of the fall').
CLARK - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
CLIFF - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.
COLE - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
CON - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
CORY - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
CRAIG - tries to fit in - he never does.
DAMON - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
DAN - quiet but funny. easily becomes addicted to narcotics.
DANE - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
DANIEL - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.
DARREN - charming... but sleeps with men.
DARRYL - unemployed moocher. enjoys Cheezels.
DAVID - total flirt, good heart, funny and well loved...
DAVE - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter - i.e. a wanker.
DEAN - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
DENNIS - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
DEREK - has a great sense of humour, and blow-up doll collection.
DOMINIC - hilarious and will do anything to please.
DON - dickhead.
DOUG - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
DREW - bad-arse losers who never shuts up.
DYLAN - horny bastard, who can't sing.
DWAYNE - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
EDDIE - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole.
ELLIOTT - full of himself
ERIC - shy.
ERIK - funny and treats girls how he wants to be treated.
EVAN - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
FRANK - "different". Missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy.
GARETH - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
GARY - drug addict but willing to share.
GAVIN - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
GEOFF - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
GEORGE - barman who drinks more than he serves.
GLEN - the sweetest guy - really down to earth
GRAEME - very hard to understand, likes group sex where men outnumber women.
GRAHAM - will screw anything; preferably soft furnishings.
GRANT - horny! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
GREG - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
GUY - covers his back, has a small dick.
HARVEY - cute but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
HAYDN - tries hard.
HOWARD - likes small-breasted women and pornography (doesn't everybody!).
IAN - really popular but knows all the girls want him.
JAKE - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
JAMIE - scum of the earth.
JAMES - built like a horse.
JAY - very sweet when you get to know him well.
JASON - total cock whore
JEFF - really ugly.
JEROME - gay, but very unhappy.
JEREMY - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
JESSE - unpopular and needs to move on.
JACK - stupid but hot. always alright.
JIM - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
JOE - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
JOEL - shit for brains.
JOHN - has no friends or life. enjoys killing small animals.
JONATHON - think he's good, he's shit.
JORDAN - sexy but weird in bed.
JOSE - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
JOSH - full of himself, fun.
JUNIOR - hotty and totally good at football.
JUSTIN - aggravating, insecure and jealous.
KAIN - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
KEVIN - always attracts really fit girlfriends also has a large penis, really nice to women.
KEITH - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
KENNETH - very, very... anything­ you want him to be.
KIM - very understanding and caring, feels lost in Korea.
KURT - can kick anyone's arse, likes small boys.
KY - see Kain.
KYLE - hornbag who eats too many corn chips.
LARRY - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
LAURIE - short and funny looking. beer gut.
LEE - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
LES - calm, calculating, intelligent, sexy.
LEWIS - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser.
LYNDON - can always be found in bed or in the pub.
LIAM - loud mouthed arsehole, normally found in rock bands and pubs.
LORENZO - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
LUCAS - fat loser that dates other men.
MALCOLM - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
MARC - fantasises about pretty lights, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. vegan.
MARK - wished girls liked him for who he is, not his great looks, mouthy bastard though.
MICHAEL - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl, which is totally sweet.
MICK - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
MITCHELL - the ugliest dog and he don't get any.
NATHAN - stupid as hell and tends to make others feel smart.
NICK - horny! but really nice. can't get past the missionary position though.
NEIL - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
NOEL - an absolute diamond, sexy, funny and faultless... apart from when it comes to sorting out contents insurance for his home.
OLIVER - likes men but is in denial.
ORSM - everyone thinks he's a great guy and never has anything bad to say about him. massive, tasty penis.
OSCAR - loser, a good name for a dog.
OWEN - gay guy who is very naïve.
PATRICK - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in pricks.
PAUL - drunk, drunk, drunk.
PETER - makes women feel uncomfortable.
PHILLIP - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
RAY - cunt. insecure. narcissist.
REAGAN - strange as they come.
RHYS - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago.
RICHARD - can't see his feet balls are to big
RICKY - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
RIKKI - masturbates up to 8 times a day.
ROB - constantly watches porn. is genuinely impressed by other people's fart smells.
ROY - total loser and computer genius.
RUPERT - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
RUSSELL - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole.
RYAN - short but sexy body and even sexier mind.
SAM - wannabe sex machine.
SCOTT - has serious disabilities.
SEAN - has small testicles and no friends.
SETH - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
SHANE - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin.
SHANNON - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world.
SHAUN - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
SIMON - likes a night out with the lads and curries. talks bollocks.
STEVE - popular and funny when looked at side-on.
STUART - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed.
TIM - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
TOBY - best blow ever.
TOM - cool but can be arrogant.
TONY - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around.
TRAVIS - fat and horny with the best xxx collection to be found.
TREVOR - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
TROY - cute and popular.
TAYLOR - gay.
WARREN - cool, homosexual guy.
WESLEY - great guy and easy to tolerate.
WILLIAM - wishes he were popular but is ultimately a cunt.
ZACH - sweet and polite and adorable.

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ADA - blue haired, smells of wee.
AILEEN - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic-tacs.
ALISON - bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off.
AMANDA - I.Q. tends to be smaller than bra size. a good shag though.
AMY - devious, likes being on top, never stays the night - not to be trusted.
ANDREA - small breasts. Ages well.
ANGELA - vain, hair style more important than oxygen. usually found hanging around toilets.
ANNABELLE - doesn't wear knickers.
ANNETTE - she's big.
ANNE - looks like a horse, can't drive.
BARBARA - shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance.
BELINDA - pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
BERYL - repressed alcoholic.
BEVERLEY - trapped in an eighties time warp.
BIANCA - ginger.
BRIDGETTE - eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
BRITNEY - falsely improved, no use to society.
CAMILLA - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'.
CARINA - looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow.
CAROLINE - lard arse, shaves her ears.
CATHERINE - attracted to the older man, needs ironing.
CLAIRE - usually neurotic, gives good head, can have lesbian tendencies.
CELINE - emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
CHARLOTTE - enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.
CHERYL - can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.
CHRISTINE - likes men in uniform, never warm.
DAISY - cute but toxic personality.
DANNI - should make nice threesome with sibling.
DAVINA - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
DAWN - gets up early, smells of chips.
DEBORAH - bites the pillow, uses both hands.
DENISE - wears too much make up.
DIANE - enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. adds nothing to society.
DONNA - 70's throw back, likes cabbage.
DORIS - purple haired, stinks of wee.
ELAINE - rides side saddle, drinks methylated spirits.
ELIZABETH - born to rock, hates chickens.
ELLIE - far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth.
EMILY - wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies.
EMMA - gullible and easily swayed by a good looker!
ESTELLE - likes wombles, eats grass.
ESTHER - plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
FAITH - legs met at knees, can't shag standing up.
FAYE - wears wellies, can't swim.
FELICITY - she'll stab you with her nipples, plays darts.
FIONA - female mud wrestler, gives head.
FRANCINE - French.
GABRIELLE - French too.
GAIL - farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
GAYLEEN - big wide woman who talks shite all day.
GAYNOR - lesbian.
GERALDINE - too posh for her own good, likes flying.
GILLIAN - dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
GINA - eternal mother, eats nappies.
GLENDA - eats children, hates smoking.
GEORGINA - wants to be a man.
GWYNETH - blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
HANNAH - needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
HEATHER - shags like a freight train, a screamer.
HELEN - hangs around with the wrong crowd, kinky in bed, loves porn.
HEIDI - the hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins.
HILARY - frigid.
HOLLY - prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
IMOGEN - drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
INGRID - right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
ISABELLE - necessary on a bicycle?
JACKIE - heroin addict, sold her child.
JANET - massive over bite, no neck.
JANE - babe, I'd drink her bath water.
JASMIN - smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
JEMMA - does anal, wears too much eye make-up.
JENNIFER - huge breasts, should shave her legs more often.
JESSICA - virgin, always will be.
JOANNE - moans in her sleep, can't cook, moans when she wakes up.
JORDAN - expects to be fawned over and treated like royalty but wont suck a dick.
JUDITH - big eyes, big tits.
JUDY - huge tits, married to a man she will never respect.
JULIA - innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes.
JUSTINE- massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets.
JULIE - Jabba the Hutt's sister, constantly pregnant.
KAREN - huge tits, shags like a rabbit.
KATE - see Catherine.
KATHY - swallows.
KELLY - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.
KIMBERLEY - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig.
KIRSTY - eats live moles, can't dance.
KYLIE - trendy sex kitten that all the lads wanna shag (and probably have).
KYM - illiterate parents - see Kim.
LANA - hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
LARA - action packed, never seen naked.
LAURA - likes max power magazine, can't drive.
LAUREN - pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night.
LEAH - likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
LENA - eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
LESLIE - likes bondage, hates men.
LINDA - teenage bride, can swallow oranges whole.
LINDSEY - likes doggy style, doesn't do housework.
LISA - will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.
LIZ - long legged and brainy.
LORRAINE - constantly whinges, will strip for a packet jelly babies
LOUISE/A - phwoooorrrrrrrrrr, boing boing boing.
LUCY - strange dancer, wants to marry her dad.
MADELINE - drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
MAGGIE - trainspotter, likes plaid.
MARGARET - lovely mother, very generous.
MARIA - bangs like a barn door.
MARIE - life sapping dominatrix. likes men to do diy.
MARILYN - eats like a horse, out stays her welcome.
MARINA - no get up and go, rusty underwear.
MARTINA - ugly lesbian.
MARTINE - can't act, can't sing, nice tits.
MATILDA - likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
MARY - had a little lamb.
MAXINE - drinks, smokes, swears and farts like a bloke.
MEG - cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
MELANIE - can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely.
MELISSA - eats dogs, been in prison 6 times for burglary.
MERYL - dances like an ape, doesn't realise.
MICHAELA - likes animals, should make a video with them.
MICHELLE - wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
MARSHA - big butt, small brain.
MONICA - doesn't swallow, should have.
NAOMI - wannabe diva, more of a diver.
NANCY - white hair, remembers tanners.
NATALIE - eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
NATASHA - had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing.
NELL - hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
NICOLA - slapper, alcoholic in denial.
NINA - stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
OLGA - you can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair.
OLIVE - oily skin, oils up well.
OLIVIA - neutron bomb.
PAMELA - gives amazing head, made of plastic.
PAT - butt ugly lesbian. br> PAULA - transvestite merchant banker.
PENELOPE - pitstop queen, likes men to be stiff.
PHILIPPA - forest forager, likes wild boar.
PETRA - dead dog.
PRISCILLA - likes painting as a hobby. is shit at it.
RACHEL - amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her cheeks.
REBECCA - hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
RHONDA - help me, help me.
ROSALIND - the "I'd like to speak to the manager" type.
ROSE - can be prickly, good head giver.
ROSEANNE - errrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.
RUBA - can suck a pea through her arsehole.
SADIE - stand up if you're slim, please stand up, stand up
SALLY - drives a mustang, fights in pubs.
SAMANTHA - loves her brother, has 4 deformed children.
SANDRA - shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
SARAH - likes pressed flowers and body piercing.
SELINA - doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
SHANIA - often feels like a woman
SHARON - shags like a locomotive, yo-yo knickers.
SHEILA - very big down under
SHIRLEY - can swallow a curly wurly whole, likes bananas.
SIAN - does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
SIMONE - used to be a shot putter. big bitch.
SONYA - dirty lady of the night. often referred to as a "carrier".
SOPHIE - brothel madam, wears a wrinkly corset.
STACEY - likes cut-off jeans and arseless speedo's.
STEFFI - closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
STEPHANIE - eats muppets, wears brogues.
SUE - massive, disproportionate areolas.
SUSANNE - should shave more often, wears denim aftershave.
TANYA - hot minx, too short.
TARA - upper class slapper, needs extra chemicals.
TIFFANY - who?
TINA - face like a smacked arse, should eat less.
TORI - lives under a bridge with other trolls.
TRACY - easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens.
TRACEY - lesbian.
ULRIKA - ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka.
URSULA - likes puppies, in curry.
VICKY- likes yoga. and women.
ZOE - talentless rock chick. prepared to use sex as a weapon.
ZANDRA - strange appearance, eats guinea pigs dipped in chocolate.



HAND BRAS previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on".

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14. You are on 13".

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".


RANDOM SHITE 2018 07 05

OLDER SHITE: 28th June - 21st June - 14th June - 7th June - 31st May - 24th May - 17th May - 10th May - MORE >>

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A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a "Make America Great Again" cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn't need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is ​ ​a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that ​ ​everyone can hear "Drinks for everyone in here please, bartender... but not for the 'Republican'".

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a ​ ​big smile, waves at him then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud ​ ​voice.

This infuriates the union boss.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks ​ ​for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to ​ ​bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells "Thank you!"

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of ​ ​drinks for everyone except the Republican.

Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who ​ ​continues smiling and again yells out "Thank you!!"

Frustrated that he can't seem to get the guy angered, the union boss ​ ​asks the bartender "What is wrong with that ​ ​Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all the ​ ​dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"

"Nope" replies the ​ ​bartender. "He owns the place".




President Trump was visiting a school and went to observe one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So, the Leader of The Free World asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a "tragedy".

"No" corrected Trump. "That would be an accident".

A little girl raised her hand: "If the floods in New Orleans entered the geriatric ward of a hospital, killing elderly & infirm people trapped inside, that would be a tragedy".

"I'm afraid not" sighed the President "that's what we would call a great loss".

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Trump searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Trump was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well" says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either..."




Well... umm.. I don't want this to get ugly but you guys need to hear these hard truths:

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily occasionally to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. If you go back far enough you'll see how much my ego has grown over the years.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Fuck knows I need a week off but see you guys then.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will trap your kids several miles down a cave in Thailand before flooding it. He's done it before and he'll do it again.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my lap. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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