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June 2005...
orsmupdate 2005.06.23-22.08
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Welcome to Orsmnet and welcome to me being in a fucking good mood! Did someone mention holidays by any chance?

So far so good is the best way to describe the last week but wow has it flown along at light speed! In case you were wondering [which I'm sure you guys weren't] we finally took possession of our new house last Friday. Timing is everything and as I have rent paid up until the end of this month we planned to do some work on it before I move. It wasn't with out a few minor annoyances though...

"Can I just make a suggestion?". Next time someone asks me that I'm going to take out my hammer and make a suggestion on some part of their head.

Basically all that was planned was to tear up the carpets [so we could eliminate that stale old person's smell] and use some of that timber flooring stuff you get to cover up the hideous 'lino' that graced the kitchen. The idea was to get it all done over the weekend so the floor boards guy could give the rest of the house a coat or polish this week.

So Dad and I rocked up for a 9am start on Saturday and began. The carpets came up pretty easily and there were no big surprises hidden underneath. Next we started on laying the flooring... the things about this stuff is that it looks easy and relatively straightforward but in actual fact it's a pain in the ass and not to mention time consuming when you have to cut it in around door frames and the like. It ended up taking us a day and a half in total to get it all done but thankfully the end result was well worth it.

Mixed in there was my mum, my brother and an aunty. Mother dearest 'suggested' we strip some wall paper off while we had the chance so that became their job. They went and hired a couple of steamers and began doing the main bedroom. All I can figure was from this point was that the steam went to their brains because all I heard every couple of minutes coming from that fucking room was "Can I just make a suggestion?". By mid-afternoon Sunday I had enough: "NO MORE FUCKING SUGGESTIONS! ALL I HAVE HAD IS FUCKING SUGGESTIONS! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR SUGGESTION IS THE BEST FUCKING SUGGESTION EVER - NO MORE FUCKING SUGGESTIONS!!". This lingual masterpiece was quite effective. Not only did it cause all suggestions to cease but had the effect of making a couple of people stop talking to me altogether.

You may be wondering what all the suggestions were about right? First I should point out that they were all 'suggested' in my best interest but generally had to do with why don't I do such and such before the floor board guy came. There's a good chance that me explaining on at least 147 separate occasions that he was booked for the Monday and couldn't be changed hadn't quite sunk in but you cant blame me for someone else's ears not working.

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By the time Sunday nite rolled around I was completely shattered. My back was sore, my legs were killing and my brain was near shut down. I'm pretty sure the last time I did as much physical labour was when I last had a real job 6 years ago. Add to that the inevitable nonchalant tension you get when sticking two divorced parents together in the same room. Despite the minor annoyances I did find it extremely rewarding to see how much the place had transformed in less than two days though.

Anyway, this weekend should be another killer. I've got to finish packing all my stuff into boxes and get the house semi-presentable in time to move out by Monday morning. I almost feel flustered because I don't quite no where to start but you know what they say - pick an edge and work your way in.

The funny thing is that I'll almost be sad to go. In the grand scheme of things three years really aint that long to be live somewhere but this place truly is my comfort zone.

On to something I mentioned a few weeks back and what I have been hanging out like crazy for - I am officially on holidays as of tomorrow! Woohoo! Unfortunately I am not going away but plan on using the time to get myself unpacked, settle in, paint some shit and most importantly sit on my ass. This also means that there will not be a proper update next week except for a few bits and pieces that I will update to keep you all happy. The good news is that I shall return the following week but be absent again the week after. Does that make sense? Basically I am one week off one week on for the next few of weeks. On with the update...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Have you guys checked out Reality Skin yet? This site is HOT. Lots of naked pics and movies from all the Big Brother houses around the world. Boy, go and check the naked stuff in the Australian Big Brother! Check out this chick from German Big Brother getting pierced! Theres also lots of amateur homemade pics and movies, check out these hot drunk girl pics. So do yourself a favour and go check out Reality Skin for FREE!!!

I always like to witness a challenge even when I'm watching porn. Nothing impresses me more than see a little tiny pussy being spread over a monster cock. Mr. Biggz says it all - the chicks that take this guy on are truly my personal heroines of whoredom.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Kung Fu Master - Paternity - Stile Pro - Big Milkers - Naughty Teen Coed - Hot Webcam Slut

Cop This! - Cleaned Up - Ooops - Exposed Babes - Slutty Webcam Tease - Rainbow Dildo Fun

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

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A city boy named Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey to him the next day. But the next day, the farmer drove up in his old truck and told Kenny, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died. Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just bring me the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with the dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898.00." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

This guy is my new hero... mostly because he is such an asshole. He hit it big in the Lotto a few months back so he decided to do what most of us would - let your hair down and go a little crazy. The first thing on the list was to buy a huge mansion followed by a bunch of old cars that he and his mates use to play demolition derby when ever they feel like it... day or nite. As you can imagine the neighbours chuffed. Check it...

- Live The Lotto Dream -

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The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's Okay, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" "Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste o a Son of a Bitch." Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset but please watch your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish." "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister, as the Bishop's eyes widened even more. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief. The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people!"

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As you'll see, I've posted a tonne of reader mail this week. You guy's have been busy little munchkins filling my inbox with all sorts of stuff from weird to absurd to 'I need some manual relief immediately'. To everyone who has contributed I thank you. To the rest of you guys... you're making baby Jesus cry. Lets do it like this... in the next week 200k people are going to hit this page and I want an email from at least half of you no matter how small or insignificant it may be! So what are you waiting for? Click here to make it happen!

Thomas Crown wrote:
Subject: fuck the grammar police
They say arguing on the internet is like competing in the special olympics. Even if you win your still retarded. If that's true then pointing out people punctuation errors is like telling a blind man his clothes don't match, in that even if your right, your still it wanker for doing it. Since I'm assuming "chem's" is a contraction of chemicals, you were right in the first place. Apostrophe designate possessive case, plurals and the omission of letters. Bad: Telling a blind man his clothes don't match. Worse: Finding out your just colour-blind.

The Advice Asshole wrote:
Subject: Grammar Nazi
Blair Denholm wrote:
Subject: grammar nazi
He Orsm, This has been annoying the shit out of me for ages, and now I'm at breaking point. Please, be a good boy and take out the apostrophe in the following at the bottom of your homepage. "Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and behave yourselves!". Mate, I end up asking myself, "stay of the chem's what?"

>> I do believe, you meant to say the following, self-proclaimed Nazi of Grammar.
Hey, Orsm, this has been annoying the shit out of me for ages and now I'm at breaking point. Please, be a good boy and take out the apostrophe in the following sentence, located at the bottom of your homepage. "Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and behave yourselves!". Mate, I end up asking myself, "stay of the chem's what?"
>> I always find it funny when someone that comes out and bashes another's spelling/grammar/anything totally fucks up their "I'm better than you, here's a correction to what you say/do/whatever" letter. KEEP THIS IN MIND FOR THE NEXT TIME, YOU FUCKING MORON, IF YOU ARE GOING TO CORRECT, FIRST CORRECT YOURSELF.

Gordon Smith wrote:
Subject: apostrophe!!
Hi Mate. Been avid fan from the beginning; excellent site. Re: Blair Denholm's questioning of your use of the apostrophe in chem's. Technically, the way it's written it is correct as an apostrophe denotes that something is missing from the word i.e. a letter or several letters. In this case, the letters i,c,a and l are missing. Chem's is therefore correct. This is also true of photo's and DVD's. Chemical's, however, would not be correct.

Kayne wrote
Subject: my thoughts on other peoples ideas on life. From an East Coast perception
Heres something I have been noticing lately. In my office I have a pretty good view of the street below & across from me is a taxi rank & public seat. Now I watch the world go by a lot & found that an old homeless drunk guy spends most of his day on the public seat basking in the sun drinking what looks to be a Metho bottle & yelling at a phone booth. Don't we all wish for the life! He normally sits there long enough during the day to piss his pants.... Not that I have a problem with that, just thought I'd add that in. But, given his level of social status & outlook on life, I put this too you... why does a man who is happy to drink methylated spirits on a daily basis have the conscience to buy DIET COKE to mix his moonshine?? I have seen him do this on a regular basis, is it for the taste? I don't think so... I don't care if you're using Don Perignon (excuse the spelling) to mix with your still drinking metho! Where does the thought "hhmm, I better watch my weight & buy me a diet coke to mix with my METHO!!" I don't know; call me strange but when you're in that stage of life I thought mixing your own urine would suffice.

mikey wrote:
Subject: congratulations! dude! (sorry, don't know your name)...
on the closing, and surviving the surge incident. sounds like it could've been worse, like you were touching the dryer at the time, pissing on your speakers, sitting on your new laser mouse, or something. surprised after all the hard knocks you've had that you haven't found Jesus, yet. don't knock him till ya try him, you would have to worry a lot less about insurance with his influence in your life...sounds like you already have him to thank...you may not have been talking to him, but he was listening...

Piove wrote:
Subject: Latest update...
Mr Orsm, Not many people will go out on a limb and go public with their beliefs like that. I too believe in similar things, and am in the middle of deciding to move country, and job, with a pregnant wife. A lot of things have been pointing to it being the right thing at the right time, but it is still hard. Gentle reminders in the form of your update are welcome! Thanks.

That was a weird blog - I usually spend all week mulling over ideas for what to write about. The funny thing was that what ended up as my blog in no way resembled what I had in my head. I fully expected some email telling me I was a weird fucker but strangely enough no one did...

Chris wrote:
Subject: Re: Ute Crush video
A bit of additional info about the ute crush vid: Recorded at the KCGM Superpit (Kalgoorlie). The engine, gearbox, etc had been removed from the ute to avoid damaging the truck tyres (at about AU$25,000 apiece). Pretty much everyone on site at the time went to watch. The squashed ute now sits on a stand at the entrance to the minesite as a not-so-subtle reminder of who comes off second best in an encounter between a ute and a 793 dump truck. Expert commentary provided by the KCGM survey team. Expertly filmed by myself.

brandon wilson wrote:
Subject: Baal
I hate to have to slam one of your visitors, especially if they are actually contributing, but what the fuck was that lame shit Baal sent. If he thinks there's only thousands of viewers, instead of millions, he has his head up his ass. And if he thinks his 4 cylinder neon sounds tough, he has his head up his boyfriends ass. A 454 camming sounds tough. A weedeater sounds like shit.By the way thanks again for such a fucking lovely site.

Tony wrote:
Subject: lois from family guy
thought you might put this on your site, i got bored the other day and put it together in illustrator, i guess itd be better if my surname wasnt on it though. great site, watching for years now, thanks.

Lois is so hot right now. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: What up.
What's up dude, my girlfriend and I thought you might like this picture of her pussy. I don't think I've ever seen you post anyone's info, but please don't post mine. Later!

Why do you tease me with just one pic? -Orsm

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Simon Mason wrote:
Subject: Sometimes your mouth just isnt big enough!!
An old picture from a mates 21st...... though it was appropriate

Again... only one pic? What's wrong with you people!? I have needs too you know! -Orsm

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Alex wrote:
Subject: Cookie Man
See what wonders can come of summer boredom..? Of course he didnt look to hot after he was cooked.. and eaten.

My god that looks so yummy... except for the cock. -Orsm

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Walden Eero wrote:
Subject: Racing crash
Finally something to submit... Here's a pick of a racing accident in Tallinn. The guy flying in the air got hurt but luckily survived.

... missing how many legs exactly? -Orsm

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nigel wrote:
Subject: big hooters
Hi Orsm. thought i would send this hooter shot that this local slut keeps sending me daily... she wants to show me and i want to share...post it for all... keep on trucking orsm :-)

Now that's a man after my own heart... I want one of those things damn it! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Mr Cube wrote:
Subject: FPV car pic
Hey Orsm, Im usually a frequent visitor to your site, though I missed a couple of editions, anyways was catching up on what I missed and came across the cars spelling FPV in the RS section. That pic was taking pretty early early in the day cause my car is not there yet so I have attached a pic of my car for ya I know your a Ford man. Could you give us guys a plug? The cars were from the FPV and XR Owners Clubs of ACT and Newcastle.

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jdaz wrote:
Subject: cool pix
it would be cool if you could post these pix i took on my trip to hawaii. i took them myself. thnx

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David wrote:
Subject: various pictures :)
Dear Mr. Orsm, Here are some pictures of myself, for no apparent reason, other than I'm drunk and therefore I think it's a good idea.

Any money you forgot you sent these to me? -Orsm

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Brad Smede wrote:
Subject: funny photo...
hey it might be a bit late but ive been too lazy to send it until now. anyway i was at the local brumbies bakery about a month ago just as the whole pope thing was dying down. took it upon myself to improve their signage "pizza rope and chocolate rope". also i was going to bitch about late update but i guess youre 2 hours behind me so i forgive you (also because youve kept me entertained for so many years). excuse shit qual its with my phone.

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A. Miles wrote:
Subject: Couldnt Resist: Tom Gets Owned.
My photoshop skills suck... but this was too good to leave. If you post it up on your page please don't put my details. Keep up the good work and I hope you get a chuckle!

As much as I'm a fan I doubt this is the first time Tom has had a cock in his face... -Orsm

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Alastair Chesson wrote:
Subject: More aerodynamic than a speeding fridge....
Saw this at a wholesaler parking lot not long ago. It appeared to be wood - I was in a bit of a rush, so I didn't look at it that closely. The design should get some sort of award for being so Spongebob- aerodynamic....

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: big bro pics
my man, the god of throb, king dingaling Mr ORSM himself, Being a fan of naked females like i know you are i thort i would share some images i have captures int he last week of the female housemates of Big Brother Australia.. there are a few so post what you will as only you have the power..(get it... just like they say with their voting sayings..haha)... enjoy....

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: The Progression of Drunkenness
This is my buddy on his 21st Birthday. The night started off good but ended kind of pissy. P.S. Don't show my info

We'll file this under 'another one of those things I swear has never happened to me'... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Morning Mr. Orsm, We recently discovered, thanks to you, newbienudes. We have been premium members for a little over a week and have managed to post something like 59 pictures. Please find attached a couple of examples of my g/f. Also if you want to see more, click here. It goes direct to our photos, enjoy (warning: some pictures contain cock ;)). Also can you remove my name and email as a lot of friends irl visit both sites and we might not be able to look them in the face anymore.

click for gallery

James Munns wrote:
Subject: boxster vs Bird strike!
This is what happens if your car hit a bird at high speed.

Kamikaze bird... at least it had good taste I guess. -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Here are those photo's I was talking about
how stupid can ya be too sit at ya work computer take photo's of ya self with the company camera tugging ya self at the work computer then getting ya self sacked and escorted of the premises and leaving the evidence for all to see. He might have been looking at the ORSM site, what do ya recken.

click for gallery

Miko wrote:
Subject: stuff for your site!
I check out your site all the time but I don't think you've had anything like this on it! I took these on my recent trip to Vulcan (Alberta Canada) Thanks! And if you realllyyyy wanted to... my site is at scifipics.com

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to watch vid

vince wrote:
Subject: yeah...another one..
Come see our new design! I've redone the whole site, I hope you will love it. Here's another vr6 video haha. Good job orsm.

click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Body search!!
Love your site! Bookmarked it a couple a years ago. Sending you a vid of the new US Homeland Security search policies. As you know if they suspect you are hiding something( or someone) they will look in every crevisse you have. Feel free to warn every one about this!! Please no name if possible. Keep up the good work!! Your site ROCKS!!

click to watch vid

Cazz wrote:
Subject: Leave the Kangas alone!
Hey Orsm, Cazz here. I think that guy last week with the dead kanga is appalling. You don't need to kill them to take happy snaps with them Take these for example. Feels free too post

What's that noise, Skip? -Orsm

click to enlarge click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: WTF!!??
Wild Thing rollercoaster is in Shakopee, MN @ ValleyFair. Here's a virtual ride. Speaking of rides...check out a Paris Hilton wannabe... tee hee hee!!!

He does things to me that you'll never know... -Orsm

click to watch vid click to watch vid
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A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees..."

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A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Fremantle Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked.

"Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl. Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me." The girl, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night.

For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and... he's screwing me." The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked his face and he replied; "He sure is darlin', this is the Rottnest Ferry!!

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A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in. "The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you all right bloke, I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?"

"No bloke. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said, "I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the Pool."


Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold and a beautiful mansion spawned around her. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me now..."

I procrastinated long and hard about what to include in this weeks RS. The usual questions plagued me - do I keep it sanitary or go the whole hog and gross everyone out. When you think about it we're all different and we all like different things so there's probably a few of you out there who will get off on some of the more risqué inclusions. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up 1/4 of your sex life?" Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another 1/4 of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I guess I have taken unfair advantage of you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I think I am the one that really got the better of this deal, Mr Devil - I'm Father O'Malley."

click here for more


Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina

Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!!"

click here for more

Well boys and girls I think its time we bring this update to a close and get on with our lives. It's been a labour of love but one that I have enjoyed dedicating my week to. If you're smart you'll check back next week to see if I have made any additions because knowing myself as I do I will feel compelled to park my ass in front of the computer and doing something productive.

In the mean time if you'd like to show me some love and buy me a house warming gift then swing by my wish list and go hard! You know you want to...

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be good to your mother. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.06.16-22.53
click here for more

Welcome to Orsmnet. First allow me to address the complaint from my dear friend Ray[tard] about last weeks update sucking... whilst I appreciate the feedback and agree I've done better please keep in mind that I don't come down to where you work and tell you how to salt the fries...

My week was going oh so well until last night. We were sitting around having a chat when all the appliances suddenly shut off which, if I had to hazard a guess, was a direct result of having two heaters, my computers and the washer and dryer all running concurrently. Shit overloaded and the fuse blew. No biggie - it's happened a million times before so we fixed it and turned it all back on.

A while later I sat down at the computer and found my shiny new laser mouse wasn't working. I tried everything to fix it but to no avail. It wasn't long after that I realised I had no sound. Speakers zapped. By this stage it was starting to become obvious that the melt down was responsible. Don't you love it when surge protectors fail...?

Now we play the waiting game. It took most of the day but the insurance people eventually emailed me the form I needed to put a claim in. My only question - does our policy cover things like this? "I'm sorry I can't answer that. Submit the claim form and you will find out in two to three weeks." Typical.

To be honest it isn't that much of a big deal - more of an inconvenience but I have always been convinced that things like this are sent to help and guide us. How the hell does that work you may ask? Okay bare with me whilst I go tangental...

The example I will throw at you guys happened 6 years ago. Leading up to it my life was in a huge hole. Amongst other things I was stuck in a dead-end job that I hated and was going no where very quickly. It was glaringly obvious I needed a change but for one reason or another didn't have it in me to fix it. Then I had a car accident and everything that made me who and what I was plus everything I had was taken away. I wasted the next eight months sore and feeling sorry for myself thanks to our little friend, depression. It took a long time beyond that but eventually I righted the wrongs and now have my life at the point where I look forward to what may lie ahead.

click here for more

So how the fuck does that relate to my speakers getting fried? I'm getting to it! Chill! What happened that night was a sign. Half a second either way and I wouldn't be sitting here writing this but best I can tell I am supposed to be around for a while longer. Don't get me wrong - I didn't find Jesus or anything like that but I do believe in fate... and after spending some considerable time thinking about it [as you do] the conclusion I came to is that it had to happen to change where I was headed.

Keep in mind I had been involved in another accident a few years prior and in retrospect I think that was my first warning which of course I didn't heed so the next one was bigger and badder. Who knows... maybe the third one would have been 'finality' if I didn't grasp the opportunity to change things. Do I sound like a nut bar yet?

SPEAKERS? I'm getting there I promise! Over the last few weeks with all this house stuff I've had a million different things thrust towards me as far as insurance was concerned. Mortgage protection insurance, death and disability insurance, home and contents insurance, workers compensation insurance, personal liability insurance... the list goes on. I've been doing my head in trying to work out which ones I need. Anyone you talk to is more than happy to give you a scenario: "what if you get hit buy a bus and lose your hands?" or "what if the roof gets blown off your house and kills someone?" or "what if a contractor gets electrocuted whilst working at your place?". Give me a break here.

I had pretty much decided the only thing I was going to cover myself for was my contents. The house is old and if it's lasted this long it should make it another three years... and if anything happens to me, well we'll just deal with it at the time... then as insignificant as it was, last nite happened... then I realised that I am probably going to have contractors working on the house in coming months, I may actually get run over by a bus and the roof really could get blown off my house! What do I do then? I'm most likely reaching here but maybe the speaker's thing was another sign... a first warning to point me in the right direction with all this insurance stuff. It's subtle and it's vague but if there is one thing I hate, it's being caught out when I should have known better.

I better wind this up and get on with the update but before I do you guys will be happy to know there is an end in sight as far as me dribbling on about buying this house is concerned. Tomorrow is the long awaited settlement day which means we get the place finally becomes ours. Wish me luck!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I was looking over the schedule of courses for the fall semester at my favorite online university when lo and behold I finally found the ultimate class in female anatomy. It's called Squirting 101 and I can't wait to learn all the basics of the ever-elusive female ejaculation.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Stile Project - Funny Joggers - Drunkard - Britney Bad - Best Teen Ever - Blonde Sensation

So Fucking Cool - Dizzy Kid - Magic Fanny - Fucking Good Time - Adriana Lima Hotness

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting more and more frustrated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror and then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop".
A woman's husband dies with $30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The friend says, "How can that be? The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know... The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" "Three carats!" replies the widow.

click here for more

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town! "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe" he politely inquires to one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies "excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks "are you the chicken fucking, manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes sir, I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "Fuck off" replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?" "Pardon says the manager". "Fucking deaf as well are we you little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano"

"Ahhhh replies the manager you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?". "Of course I can" and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's superb, what's it called"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob" replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds in playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent" cries the manager "what's it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washing machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called" asks the manager. "As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece" replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on, she's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin...

Any way it's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. His pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice: "where's that bloody pianist?". He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde gets up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear. "do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping jism on your shoes?". The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"

click here for more

A man goes into the unemployment office in Bonnells Bay to look at job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something. "Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors and razor. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus a company car and all expenses paid."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up to the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46." "Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a modelling agency right here in Bonnells Bay. They're looking for a 'pubic-hair stylist'."

"The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."

"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job." The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Sydney." "Sydney? What do I wanna go to Sydney for?" "Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"

Click for more awesomeness

I must admit that I have been sucked in once again by Big Brother this year. The last couple have been pretty average but the 2005 crew have been a shit load more entertaining. It makes all the difference when the housemates are younger, prepared to get naked, horny as hell and happy to create some drama. Anyway, this little vid of housemate antics nearly made me piss myself laughing. Check it...

- Big Brother Antics -

click here for more

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads."

click here for more

Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

So. Much. Mail. I never thought I'd see the day but the influx of legitimate email from you guy's is almost catching up to the amount of spam and virus infected ones that come my way! Amazing! I do appreciate it though... you guys kick ass and logging on first thing in the morning to find 100 new messages is a good way to start the day. For all the rest of you who have never emailed me - click here and have your say!

Simon wrote:
Subject: In regard to reader mail...
1. Legal Action from Aaron...that's a joke. I don't know who he is, but if he's anyone at all linked with the family or the case, I'm sure he'd bother coming after you when her appeal would need all the financial support it could gather.
2. I'm surprised people didn't realise, as you and I did, the date that bomb was dropped was on 9/11 2002. Kind of like a one year later, we've come to get you, take some bomb off us type of message...I have it on video from the news, so I know it wasn't a fake. I doubt a soldier would also make such a mistake, so it was obviously meant to read 2002. There was a bunch of other messages they wrote on similar bombs, so that was just one we saw. Thx O.

Shane No wrote:
Subject: The Wrong Date?
Just to all concerned people, The tribute video with the bomb with the wrong date that shocked everyone: It was dropped on the anniversary of the attacks on 9/11. The footage was an excerpt from the "9/11: One Year On" special shown on american TV. So No, it wasnt a dumbass US Millitant, Just a Smart and Vengful One. Hope this clears Your thoughts.

Hatt3r wrote:
Subject: reply to one of your fan's emails you posted
in the most recent update the dude (Input Override) who said he was posting a picture of his friend's girlfriend.. "but has fallen into my hands...so now I'm doing the only thing I think should be done in a situation like this, POSTING IT ON THE INTERNET! sweeeeet. Everyone enjoy!" ... well, he's a liar, that's pornstar/model raven riley. try it out on google, it has to be her.

Trevor C wrote:
Subject: aye orsmness
aye man. ive been comin 2 ur site for many a year now, bout 4 i guess...still love it, anyway enough ass kissing. this is the first time ive written to you, as I've held off, as I've wanted to send you something remotely interesting, but have as yet been lacking anything that you havent already seen really... :P well, just a comment about the movie you posted last week, name "skaterpunk", i would really like to see that dumbass muthafucka try that shit on me, i would love to kick that little shits head in. What a mother fucken wanker.

Blair Denholm wrote:
Subject: grammar nazi
He Orsm, This has been annoying the shit out of me for ages, and now I'm at breaking point. Please, be a good boy and take out the apostrophe in the following at the bottom of your homepage. "Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and behave yourselves!". Mate, I end up asking myself, "stay of the chem's what?"

I'm actually shocked that it's taken this long to recieve an email about how poor my punctuation skills really are... -Orsm

Drew Arnold wrote:
Subject: I am - Victoria Silvstedt Naughty Vacation
Victoria Silvstedt is whoring out on vacation. Her little man mounts her like and we all laugh and we laugh, because someone got pictures!

Bill wrote:
Subject: Gluevy!!!
Hello Mr Orsm, I just found another funny piece for your website. Those guys are making an interesting experience with Super Bonder. They glued a monitor to the wall, which is being held there by the glue for more than 11 days already! The funniest part is that you can post a message and view it on the monitor in real time. Check it out!

Tara wrote:
Subject: erotica LA photos
Hi. I went to a huge porn convention in LA called Erotica LA last weekend. A ton of porn babes were there, like Jenna Jameson, Jesse Capelli, Kinzie Kenner, Tyla Wynn, and more. They all looked hot and some wore hot hoochie outfits. Maybe your readers would enjoy the pics. I enjoy your site. Thanks

Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Finally got my picture in Field & Stream Magazine
You all know what an avid fisherman I am.... well, I was just happy as could be.... I finally got Field & Stream interested in my new casting rods and casting techniques and they agreed to do an article on me. The Field & Stream photographer came out and took his pictures of me casting into the river for their article. Got the proofs today and boy am I'm pissed ! These two girls kept getting in the way and hamming it up and I just don't think the readers will appreciate how truly great my fishing techniques are ! ... what do you think?

click to enlarge

Brenton Pilawskas wrote:

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matt gibb wrote:
Subject: Random stupid pics.
Hello again mr Orsm, hows it going? Go this stupid fucking weather Perth has been getting. Anyway just a quick email to send you a couple of random pics, a mate of mine sent me a pic his dad took of their Pussy... so I decided to give it a cock. The other pic is something I did for another mate of mine, serves him right for opening his mouth ;)

click to enlarge

Redvirtual wrote:
Subject: Jesus meat is expensive in Bali!
Hi. Hope this piccy I took in Bali helps get a laugh......

Better save that one for Good Friday... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Marc wrote:
Subject: You may not be as gay as this ....
Hey ORSM, was browsing my house mates computer a while back and found this pic of him hiking. Kinda appropriate that he shares his name with his choice of footwear.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: World Naked Bike Ride Boulder, Colorado
Dear orsm, just returned from the world naked bike ride, un Boulder, Colorado. Attached are two photos. PLEASE SHIDE MY NAME AND ADDRESS, THANKS!

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Loz wrote:
Subject: People learn from their MISTAKES.
People learn from their MISTAKES. The first photo was taken when the Chinese president went to US. The second photo was taken when Bush went to China.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Nick Ellis wrote:
Subject: awesome site man
Hey orsm! Been checking out the site now for a couple years and its still awesome! Just thought I finally try and send something in, so here's a cool picture a friend made of our mate doing something gymnasticy. Peace.

click to enlarge

Keith wrote:
Subject: fit bird
hi orsm. need a favour, put this pic on your excellent site and see if anyone knows who this vision of loveliness is. keep up the good work and good luck with the new house. thanks

I hope hope you aren't serious because we've seen these pics before... -Orsm

click to enlarge

robert borsch wrote:
Subject: picture for your site
ey orsm,love ytour site. heres a pic of my ex from tulsa,okla. not to bad of tits for 49. yes they are real..

I've seen younger chicks with worse racks... hellooooo BB Geneva... -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Costa Rican girl pics for your site
Hi dude! I'm a big fan of your site since at least 3 years!! And FINALLY!! i've something for you. This girl studies at the ITCR (A public university of Costa Rica). Any way hope you like it!! Greetings from Costa Rica. PURA VIDA!!.

click for gallery

EASyEinda wrote:
Subject: drunkass dad
this is my dad after 17 tequilla shots and a couple of yeager shots. he didnt have fun in the morning.

This is another example of one of those things I SWEAR has never happened to me... honest... -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hot ex-girlfriend pics.
Here are some pics of a hot ex-girlfriend. Found them the other day so..... thought you might like em. Throw them on the site if you want. She's a model so I'm sure she wouldn't care. I've got better ones, but I'll keep those for me. ;-) Peace......

click for gallery

Harry Stewart wrote:
Subject: funniest. video. ever
Hi. We shot this video last night. I think it might be appropiate for your website. The guy was completely unawares and not too happy about it. Let us know what you think. Cheers

click to watch vid

Laurent Gettino wrote:
Subject: movie perso
hello, I visit each week your site, and I like much the variety of things that one finds there, I saw that there was often video personnel, then I you sending the bond of the video personnel, esperant that it will find the place there on your site, has you to judge thank you very much bond

click to watch vid

Advocatus wrote:
Subject: video for orsm.net
Hey Mr. Orsm, i love your site, i'm with it since you started with priceless and now i got a self made video from myself for you. Hope you like it and i would be pleased if you post it on your side.

Been meaning to post this for a while actually. You can find more of this stuff here too! -Orsm

click to watch vid

Vince wrote:
Subject: another euroadmiration film..
Hi all... here's another film I made, couple years ago.. It's not only about european cars this time, there's muscle cars also.. Please visit our site and register, it would help us..

click to watch vid
click to enlarge click to watch vid click to watch vid

Baal wrote:
Subject: Racing pics/vids for your site dude ;)
Hi orsm, your site is cool bla bla bla, well i only want to see my stuff posted and seen by thousands, those are pics i've taken from the illegal races here in Mexico, Puebla, the other video is my not nearly stock neon at idle it sounds mean, and the other one is just some random dude making stunts with his bike, hope you ppl like it.

Ross MacPherson wrote:
Subject: 522kw/700HP XR6T
That vid is a few months old, he now has a few more things done, more tuning and more power! Brian is having trouble getting the power to the ground and considering converting to AWD using Ford Territory running gear.

click to watch vid
Click for more awesomeness

This is the section I use to shout out to a couple of mates who run sites all of which are far better than mine. Don't believe me? Check them for yourself...

Stile Project - Sex Fun Pics - Galacticas - Might See Boobs - Spaghetti Sex - Teens Exploited - Babes Corner

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing... "A jazz chord... to say... I ruv you..."

click here for more

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and longevity. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" "What?" she asks. "SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at the usual meeting place. Mildred becoming alarmed, decided to find Harold and make sure he was all right. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have? Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!"

click here for more

A young man graduated from University of Tasmania with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Tassie, he went back to the bush to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."


1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

People do some weird shit and I think for the most part if they didn't there would be no need for the internet. That's where RS steps in... to make a spectacle of those who do stupid things... and to showcase a couple of hot babes while we're at it. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

There is a factory in America, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired At the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am.

The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by Mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge Bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday - your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles!"

click here for more

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again one day. Stupid, stupid man.

click here for more

Well I think its time to bring this update to an end. I pumped in some serious hours to make sure this was a good one so hopefully it doesn't disappoint and you will feel compelled to tell all your friends about this great site you found called 'Orsm'. Come on... you know you want to!!

Anyway, until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the cold! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.06.09-21.35
click here for more

Welcome to a world where Michael Jackson's next boyfriend isn't even born yet. This is Orsmnet.

Damn long weekends... they always throw me out. It just didn't occur to me until lunch time yesterday that I was a day behind so it's been a mad dash to get everything done for this update. Hopefully it doesn't suck...

I hate to say it but there's been little else going on except for digging through dusty cupboards and packing boxes this week. The hard part is trying to figure out what to keep and what to give away. I've accumulated so much crap over the last three years that I have absolutely no use for but refrain from parting with because some day I may. Hi, my name is Orsm and I'm a hoarder.

The stupid thing is that when you finally do have a use for one of those irrelevant bits and pieces you either can't remember where they are or just forget you have them entirely. Then there is things like clothes... I hate throwing away clothes despite the fact I haven't worn them for a couple of years. It seems stupid to part with something you paid $70 for and even more stupid tearing it up to use as a rag.

Aside from that I've been trying to contain the building excitement. Friday week is settlement day which means the house will finally be ours. Essentially this is something most of us work our whole lives for so seeing it finally come to fruition is a good feeling. Sure, we've got 30 years ahead of us to pay off the more than double what we spent buying it but there aint much you can do about that.

That's a scary thought actually - by the time 30 years is up I will be 57. As insignificant a thing as it was, I remember a couple of years back when I renewed my drivers license for 5 years and feeling almost freaked out because it was the first time I had done anything that far in to the future. 30 years in the future is a lifetime away so trying to work it out or plan that far ahead is enough to do your head in. Who knows what's to come in that time...

click here for more

Anyway, I think I'll keep my blog short and sweet this week because I'm sure you guy's have got plenty better things to be doing rather than sit around and listen to me dribble senseless crap all day so let's get on with the update... but before I do I would like to point you guy's at the new and totally revamped Orsm Forums. The magnificent redesign was all done by the Advice Asshole and I'd be lying if I said they don't look absolutely fucking great. Make sure you swing by and check them out!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Hoes, sluts, and bitches everywhere! Gotta love it. Here's some clips to get ya feeling good :) Check out this magician chick. She makes her bikini disappear right before your eyes! Talking about talent, this broad has a tongue that can fold into a cup for you to shoot your load into, and it also doubles as a pussy-licker! And for anyone who missed it, here's a shot of Miss Venezuela having one of those "wardrobe malfunctions" that all the celebs seem to have these days.

Just because she's not a professional doesn't mean she doesn't know how to get a good facial. It's all about working it deep, rubbing hard and then just letting it sink in and coat the pores. With that protein-rich, slightly acidic salt content, it's bound to leave her face glowing.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Razor Swallow - Arkansas Stupid - Tennis At The Burj - Naked Webcam Teens - Britney Spears In Undies

What A Fag - Explosive Fun - Take Down - Hard Wear - Jessica Simpson's Whoring - 3sum Action

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

click here for more

An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a man named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling tired and dejected.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started at him: "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual roll in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a large whisky and headed off for a long soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bathtub the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realising what a day he must have had, she relented a bit and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, the sight of her husband's rear view greeted her as he bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?"

I'm sure pretty much everyone reading this site has seen their fair share of porn and for the most part you'd have to agree it's the same thing - boy and girl together followed by insertion, orgasm and ejaculation or similar. But did you ever stop and wonder what goes on behind the scenes? Did it ever occur to you that porn stars do more than rock up to a studio and get naked? Looks like Jenna Jameson does! Check it...

- Behind The Porn -

click here for more

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World.

click here for more

Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

Turned out that plenty of you guy's had something to say about the Schapelle Corby stuff from last week and you can find it in the Overflow. Also turned out that Aaron from SchapelleCorby.com didn't particularly like it too much and threatened me with legal action if I didn't remove the reader mail [at her expense] that you guys sent me. I'm not entirely sure who nominated him as editorial controller over Orsmnet but until I see proof that I was doing something wrong he can lick my balls. If you too would like to threaten me with something or just feel like sending me something cool for the site then you may do so here.

brandon wrote:
Subject: Brandond reply to his detractors
Mr. ORSM I would like to express my deep felt gratitude to you for posting my comments about Iraqi snipers. I know it was volatile what I wrote, and Magnus was correct, I wrote in the heat of the moment. With a cooler head I would have said I only hope the snipers are hunted down and killed. There was really no need to mock their Godless false religion. Just like there is no way to associate this war to a holy war. I mean there wasn't any rioting or murders in the streets associated with Newsweek's false claim that Korans were flushed down the toilet at Guantanimo Bay. And I also thank (the one true) God that I live in such a great country that I can receive ORSM over the internet and have uncensored access to free thinking individuals like (GG GBG). I do not begrudge you hating me or the bible. Or thinking me a narrow-minded fuckwit, or nor having a good Christian attitude. Wait, you sound bitter too. I was angry over seeing Americans Die. GG GBG was angry over me being angry. Whereas the free fucking speech. Sounds like GG GBG isn't so open minded after. Look I don't want or expect this to be a forum to debate the war or my religious beliefs, but I think it ironic that there is heartfelt anger over my comments, as opposes to the loss of life. And by the way its not an insult when you call me a REDNECK son.

Saddened Vet wrote:
Subject: On This Holiday Video HUGE MISTAKE!!!!
Mr. Orsm, Been a fan of your site for over 4 years and I do not in anyway blame you for this INCREDIBLE oversight. Cdevon sent in a music video with the subject: on this holiday. As a 14 year veteran of the U.S. Navy I was more than touched as I watched the video and listened to the words of the song. I went from remorse to complete disgust in a matter of 1 second. If you pause the video at 2 minutes and 3 seconds in you will notice that, written on a bomb is "Sep 11, 2002 We haven't forgotten". What a crying shame that no one noticed this:the terrorist attacks of 9/11 happened in 2001 NOT 2002.

Ace wrote:
Subject: Major error in a video..
Dont reveal my email and name. Just look about 2 minutes into the video. See anything wrong?? How about the date...it was 2001, not 2002 which is on the bomb.

To be honest I just assumed that this was in there because the image was taken exactly 1 year after 9/11. -Orsm

egotastic wrote:
Subject: Jessica Alba See-Through Dress Pictures
Hi there, You've got to check out these great pictures of Jessica Alba in a see-through dress.
Jesus Martinez wrote:
Subject: Kate Moss Topless at Photoshoot
Here are some pics of Kate Moss topless at a photoshoot. Enjoy - you fucking perverts.

Tavis wrote:
Subject: Lebron James
a mate sent this to me re: the Lebron James clip you had on your site last week. man it looked sweet though huh?!

Doug M wrote:
Subject: Sponsered by Centrelink
Hey man, I was driving back from a footy game in Canberra (where I go to Uni), and I pulled up behind this Beamer, which had the fattest 21" rims on it and a pretty funny number plate and sticker on the back. Seeing as though I had my camera on it i took a snap. Not sure if you could use it cos of the plates but fuck its pretty funny isn't it.

click to enlarge

Input Override wrote:
Subject: pic of my friends girl
Hey orsm dude, I'm the guy who sent the medical marijuana study by Ronald Reagan (the bastard)...well now I've got something even better. This is a pic of my friends girl, taken by unkown girlfriends, supposed to be safe in his custody, but has fallen into my hands...so now I'm doing the only thing I think should be done in a situation like this, POSTING IT ON THE INTERNET! sweeeeet. Everyone enjoy!

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Boobies by Mail
Another avid devotee. Be advised this is by FAR the best site on the web!!!! Hopefully many more of these to follow.................... now I just have to get her pants off!!!!! Cheers bro from all your KIWI viewers.

Anything else wishing to follow the stunning example set in this email should click here. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Kent wrote:
Subject: conVicta Schapelle
Hi Orsm, love your site, someone's gone all out and done up an ad for the Victa Schapelle Lawn Mower, thought you and your readers would get a laugh out of it - I certainly did... My opinion, for what it is worth which isn't very much, is that she is 100% innocent, but I love Australia's ability of turning misfortune into hilarity!!

click to enlarge
click to enlarge
gjbc wrote:
Subject: Speling wizerd
Dear Mr. Orsm. Love the site. Great to get perspective from across the globe. And... to see tits. Hey, sorry about Bush (and sorrier every day). I voted Kerry. So, I was at the Jewel grocery store today ("I'm goin' to da Jewel. You wanna go with?" as we say here in Chicago) and I came across these lovely flowers, maybe leftovers from Memorial Day. And first I took a picture with my camera phone (those things ARE handy), and when I stopped laughing, I went over to a manager and said, "Hey, there's a misprinted sign in the flower department you might want to check out. I think it's pretty funny myself, but if you're Irish or British like me, somebody might find it offensive. He said, "Well, I'm Irish." And I said, "Then you'll get it." And we went over, and when he stopped laughing and shaking his head, I said, "Can I have the sign?" So now it's in my workshop, a testimonial to the Chicago educational system.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Buttered Harley
A woman from Iowa is making a model of a Harley-Davidson motorbike out of butter. Norma "Duffy" Lyon from Des Moines is creating a full-scale butter V-Rod to celebrate Harley-Davidson's 100th anniversary. She had to get permission from the company to create the sculpture and she works from several pictures of a V-Rod taken from different angles. The butter motorcycle is built on a frame, which is covered in butter. It is then moulded, shaped and carved until it's perfect. She reckons she'll use about 300lbs of unsalted butter in completing the sculpture, reports the Star Tribune

click to enlarge

J wrote:
Subject: Me shitfaced drunk
No words needed. Greetings from the states. Please don't display my e-mail address.

You should be ashamed of yourself... I for one have never done anything like this... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Dylan wrote:
Subject: Airport Bar
ORSM, Me and my mates were in the Detroit Metro Airport when we saw this sign for a lounge we were sitting next to. I didn't know people wanted one of these after sitting in those uncomfortable plane seats for so long. We took a few pics. Use whichever one (or all) you want. Great site keep up the good work!

click to enlarge

Jim Fish wrote:
Subject: BAD GIRL

Cottage cheese anyone? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Jason wrote:
Subject: INDY 500 Pics
Canadian Guys taking advantage of American girls......... pls don't show my email

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Billy wrote:
Subject: identical -bi-sexual twins
Yes I live in paradise! nothing but 18-28 latinas many are bi-sexual. Never a complaint but I AM tired all the time. Thought you'd enjoy Lilian and Liliana.... god its good to be king!

click for gallery

harold mason wrote:
Subject: vid
here is a in car vid of a seven second car in a 1/4 mile. thanks harold mason.

How did this video of my car get on the web? -Orsm

click to enlarge click to watch vid

John Donald wrote:
Subject: Iraqi's...
Two Iraqi insurgents being watched by our boys... Oh nooooooooooo!

That's just not right... -Orsm

click to watch vid

Tripper wrote:
Yanks and their chain guns, don't ask me why but their fasination with firepower continues unabated. Glad i'm not driving around the countryside. Keep up the good work love your site man great to see fellow west aussies making it on the world stage, keep kicking arse

click to watch vid
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Posting material
Here are a few cool videos that are from the good ol USA. [More here]

Looks like sooo much fun. Also looks like the whiney bitch got what she deserved. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Click for more awesomeness

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Joan, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Oh my!" shouts Sister Mary, the younger of the two nuns. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says the older & wiser Sister Joan. Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" shouts Sister Mary.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Joan. Sister Mary turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" yells Sister Mary. "Show him your cross," says Sister Joan. "Now you're talking," says Sister Mary. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car you cunt!"

click here for more

An Aussie jockey was sitting at a bar in Frankston when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the little Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the little Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the toilet and, as he walks by the little Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The little Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard still sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The little Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a fucking crowbar from Bunnings."


Click for more awesomeness

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted...


A bevy of randomness...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow. Old man says "Wait up... I'll get my hat."

click here for more


Tracy - Tracy - Tracy - Tracy - Tracy - Tracy - Tracy - Tracy - Tracy - Tracy

Tracy - Tracy - Tracy - Tracy - Tracy - Tracy

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

click here for more

Scrolling from top to bottom I just realised this was probably one of my smaller updates for a while. On the other hand it probably just feels like it because my blog didn't dribble on forever like it usually does but I doubt I will hear any complaints about that...

Anyway, on that note I think it's time to call it a week. With some luck I managed to keep you guy's occupied long enough to call it an escape from reality but if not you can guarantee that I shall return next week with another huuuuuuge update packed full of the best the web has to offer.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and behave yourselves! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.06.02-20.56
click here for more

I can't believe June is here already. I must be missing something because at this rate 2005 is nearly over which means I'd better start my Christmas shopping soon so I don't end up doing my head in like last year.

It's been an interesting week to be an Aussie. The amount of stuff going on in and around this country has been incredible. First up was the death of Graham Kennedy... which was actually last week but his memorial service was this week so back off! It's cool to see that some of the stuff he used to get up to is still funny 40 years on. What was even funnier is that idiot Derryn Hinch trying his hardest to make the most of his washed up career by claiming Kennedy died from Aids. Shame Derryn Shame. RIP Graham Kennedy.

Next on the list is obviously the Schapelle Corby guilty verdict. Absolutely every man and his dog seem to have an opinion on this. Personally I think she is innocent and I'm basing it purely on my own gut instinct and what the media has filled my head with. It was sad to see the reaction of her and her family in court last Friday. I'm sure that like everyone else I was hoping for a miracle that never came. One thing I was wondering though... are the people who are saying she is definitely guilty the same ones that walked out of the latest Star Wars movie saying it was crap...?

Also perhaps slightly hypocritical because my eyes were glued to the TV but the hundreds of media surrounding her as she was escorted from the court made my blood boil. It was an absolute fuck fest. I'd hate to think what it would be like finding out that you're going to spend the prime of your life in a dirty foreign jail and then being mauled for the privilege.

To each, his own but innocent or guilty I disagree with people taking it out on the people of Bali and Indonesians in general. Everything that has happened with Schapelle had as much to do with them as it does you or me. Depriving Bali of tourist dollars could potentially have a more severe effect than the tsunami last year. Why condemn an entire country?

The same applies to our views on the legal system throughout Indonesia. It's THEIR system - who the fuck are we to criticise it? Australians may not like it, our system may be fairer and more superior but according to Indonesian law and the judges who found Schapelle guilty, she was guilty and they gave her a punishment that suited.

click here for more

As for the 'powder filled package' that was sent to the Indonesian embassy in Australia earlier this week... that is just fucked. This is Australia. Everyone who lives here knows we've got it better than almost every other country in the world and one of the reasons is that we have never had to worry too seriously about the threat of terrorism, biological attacks and the like. Whoever is responsible has managed to take something away from all of us so if the cops ever do catch up with them maybe we should look into working out some sort of prisoner swap with Bali for Schapelle. I'm sure they'd love to have the perpetrators in their hands.

Moving on... I made a critical error last week. I agreed to bring Mum with me whilst shopping for house stuff. Some of my most annoying memories as a kid are being dragged shop to fucking shop with her and she's living proof that some things never change.

Last Saturday she called me and arranged to meet so she could help me do my thing. The problem here is that something that would usually take me maybe an hour or two got stretched out to over six. Don't get me wrong - I love my Mum but she has this annoying habit of making you look at every single option before you make a decision. I'd point to something signalling my mind was made up. The reply would be "okay, let's just go to this one other shop I know. If you don't like anything there we will come back". One other shop of course means 10-12.

By hour number five I was starting to get a little on the fed up side. My replies were becoming more like "look, I am happy with the fucking thing - can we just buy it and fuck off?". Eventually that did the trick which meant she could have some fun harassing the poor salespeople for a better price. The funny thing is I always thought I was pretty good at negotiating but was well and truly put to shame. She's ruthless and saved me a fotune. My only problem now is deciding whether being dragged around all day is better than spending a few extra dollars on something and getting it done quickly.

Have you visited IdleRiot lately? I have to say, some pretty friggin kinky shit has been happening over there. Did you peep Miss Venezuela having a wardrobe malfunction? Or the woman that leaves her dignity in the cab? I'm not even going to go on about it. Check out these jugs then browse for yourself.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I'm not even going to bother to tell you to check out IdleBabes cuz it's a hot site. I'll just tell you random hot things and see if you figure out that it's a hot site on your own. Ready? Latina with AWESOME deepthroat skills. You like that huh? Amy and Allanah fucking. Look at you, you're sweating... Why don't I just put the nail in the coffin? Two girls fighting for the cock.  'Nuff said.

She hates housework and has no idea of even how to boil water. Granted I never married her for her domestic talents, at least not the traditional ones. Oh well, at least she always makes my buddies feel very welcome, she may burn pasta but she makes a mean sauce.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Kermit On Aids - Fainting Goats - Bungy Boobs - Hot Lez Action - Juicy Teens

Jessica Simpson Hotness - Crash & Burn - So Fukn Hot - Lesbian Bar Orgy - Tasty Bird

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next".
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?" The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was put in a tomb here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received but the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him provided the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeants penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Sergeant smugly replied... "Vietnam."

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.


Russel Peters. This guy is brilliant. You guy's may remember back in February I posted another clip of his where he talks about Italians and Indians. He traverses issues of race with great skill whilst managing not to offend anyone... well not me anyway. His impersonations of the Chinese guy in this clip are hilarious too. Check it...

- Russel Peters On Chinese -

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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest and asks, "How did you get that mark on your chest?" "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her stomach. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

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Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness

Absolutely bloody tonnes of email has poured into the Orsmnet offices [read: the room adjoining the kitchen where my computer is] this week. Sometimes I feel like all I am to you guys is some sort of email repository... which is cool because I like being able to sticky-beak into other peoples lives. The Overflow has returned once again so make sure you click here to check it out. For everyone else - what are you doing still reading this? Click here and send me something!

foxxman wrote:
Subject: Corby verdict
Dear Mr ORSM, I would like to express my opinion to yourself and your readers on the Corby case. This is a nothing more then disgusting. 20 years in a filthy rat indested place like Bali would be worse then the death penalty. I hope the person who has planted the dope on her here in Australia feels better about him/herself and has a good look at themselves for what they have done. If that person has any form of human decency they will come forth and take responsabilty for what they have done. As the government is now looking into the currupt baggage handlers (too little too late) i hope this person gets found out and they themselves should recieve the worst punishment possible.. IN BALI. If the government has any balls about them they will insist on the prisoner swap so she could at least spend her time here in a minimum security prison. Who on earth would transport a drug from Australia to Bali when it is worth 10 times more here in Australia, it just doesnt make sense. I for one and hope that many others do the same will never travel to Bali because of the fact that look what can happen and in protest of the verdict. Next time those monkeys have a tsunami and there country falls apart i hope they all rot in hell and drown. Never will they get a cent off me and i hope the goverment is disapointed of the billions of dollars that they had given to those disgusting little monkeys.

Thatmosis wrote:
Thatmosis here, Chapelle has been found guilty and sentenced to 20 years. I dont know if she is guilty or not but from what has appeared in the papers the vast majority of Australians have suddenly become legal experts and found her not guilty. The hysteria that has surrounded this case has got out of hand. She was tried under a system of law that we in Australia cannot comprehend and to our eyes seems flawed. We have not got all the evidence before us just the media reports and heresay so to make an informed opinion is really beyond our capabilities. Who are we to say that our system is any better or worse than theirs. If you travel overseas you are bound to obey the laws of the country that you are visiting, be they right or wrong and if arrested for a crime you face the penalties that are laid down by that country. Its no good saying "Oh, I'm an Australian and in our country we would get a slap on the wrist for this crime, what right have you to do this to me." Its now up to her lawyers to mount an appeal for her, as laid down by their laws. I hope that she is aquitted and returns home safely but I would think twice before joining any boycott of Bali as they are not the ones responsible for her plight and this sort of thing could go against her if their Government perceives that they are losing Face, a very important thing in that part of the world. Vent your anger sure but be very careful not to exacerbate the situation.

Magnus wrote:
Subject: brandon
Just wanted to say I thought Brandon's comments about the Iraqi sniper video were perhaps made in the heat of the moment. I can understand it upsets him, maybe he's American, or he has relatives serving or whatever. But the views he expresses are exactly the kind of thing that needs to be stamped out. Muslim-bashing is not the way forward, and the fact is they were soldiers just like the americans, fighting for their country. Maybe filming it was a bit over the top, but America hardly covered themselves in glory with the Abu Ghraib pictures. Just thought i'd offer a rational point of view.

GG GBG wrote:
Subject: Re: American Redneck fuckwit Brandon
Just read email from Brandon shown on the update and my stomache started to hurt .. Realised I too needed a shit , but didnt have a bile filled copy of the redneck fuckwit bible ..It is this fuckwit narrowminded mentallity that just enhances the yanks image overseas .. I sense a slight lack of good christian forgiveness there.

Squirrel wrote:
Subject: tip
just wanted to let you know that the lebron james' video is fake. Its a tv commercial. Please with hold all of my info

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Schapelle Corby Photo
Hey Orsm, I thought you might be interested in this photo my brother sent me. He lives in Turkey now, but 3 years ago he was studying Commerce at Bond University on the Gold Coast. Him and his mate both used to know Schapelle Corby and his mate actually dated her for a while (she called herself Leigh then). Anyway he got this photo of her from when she was a bit younger, supposedly without her knowledge.

click to enlarge

Ross MacPherson wrote:
Subject: Schapelle Corby jokes
These are jokes...not meant to be taken seriously so if you are likely to be offended DON'T read any further and hit delete button now. Victa has just released a new Model mower. The Shapelle it will hold 4 kgs of Grass and comes with a 20 Year Guarantee... Just went past Shapelle's Beauty Salon sign on the door says back in 20... New Fragrance for women, smells like a bali jail. Shapelle NO 20...

click to enlarge

Batmat wrote:
Subject: My contribution to orsm.net
Hey Mr Orsm, I love ur site its.... orsm. Anyway, heres a pic i made this morning to express my opinion on the whole Shapelle Corby incident. Keep up the good work.

click to enlarge

Mick Draper wrote:
Subject: Big Bro
Big Bro Housemate: Look Familiar???

I believe that would be Michelle. Nice rack. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Keeler wrote:
Subject: My funny license plates
Hey, my name is Keeler and I love your site. Here are two funny ass pictures of my new license plates I just got last week.

It takes big balls to drive around with plates like that... errr... -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Neilski wrote:
Subject: Hail pics from 19/5/05
Hey Orsm, Got some more pics of the Brissie Hail storm you might like.

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Product Launch
After months of research, I am delighted to launch our updated multi-function remote control unit...

I soooo want one of those... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Phil wrote:
Subject: Liverpool F.C
Hello mate, First thing to say is what a brilliant site. Keep up the good work! As you may or may not know Liverpool F.C. just won there European Cup and I thought you may like the attached picture. Liverpudlians, Scousers or Mickey Mousers as they are known have a reputation for being light fingered, hence this picture.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: some pics for ya
here are some pics of a girl that screwed me over last week. enjoy!!

Any chance you can get back together with her? We wanna see more pics! -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

Stuart wrote:
Subject: So... you want to dig a hole. Anyone know more info on this?
525 m deep, 1200 meters in diameter. The air zone within this mine is closed for helicopters - happened a few accidents when they were "sucked in" by downward air flow... This giant truck BELAZ (200-220 ton payload)(bout the same size as an 830E) looks like small spot on next picture... Mirny - upper city on the map and at the right corner you can see the map of Russia. Here with small red arrow the track BELAZ 7350 is pointed and Mirny city on the horizon line above...

click for gallery

Steve wrote:
Subject: Lindsay Lohan pics
Hi Orsm, great site. Saw the Lindsay Lohan pics in the random shite section. Thought i'd send some pics of her looking fine before she lost weight.

She used to be so hot. I added a couple of pics to the mix to prove the point. Orrsm

click for gallery

Willie wrote:
Subject: Naomi Robson
IN the tradition of Ray Hadley's infamous "f...ing" attack on his news director, east coast Today Tonight host Naomi Robson has been recorded delivering her own expletive-ridden off-air rant. In a recording doing the rounds and aired on Triple J yesterday, the usually poker-faced, no-nonsense current affairs presenter loses her cool with an autocue technician during an ad break - while the audio continued to be recorded. During the leaked 15-second recording, Robson uses the "f" word nine times, varying from "f...wit" to "f.....g" to just plain "f...".

click to listen

Steven wrote:
Subject: Videos
Hi, Just a video for you... Feel free to use the link rather than the video if you would like

That's damn impressive but I'm sure I could take him... -Orsm

click to watch vid

Cdevon wrote:
Subject: on this holiday
on this monday, a holiday, let us remember why we have this day. freedom is not free, the freedom that we all have was given to us by countless souls, some you knew, some i knew. as we bbq and drink beer and have a good time today, let us remember what it is to be free and also remember why we are free.

click to watch vid
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Aaaaaand cut!
Hi Mr. Orsm - Your site is great. Started reading it years ago. And now I'd like to give some of the fun back to you. Watch it and ask yourself: how would you react in the guy's situation? Rock on.
click to watch vid

Simon Bath wrote:
Subject: peg fucker
Have you ever seen a bird fuck a peg?

Honestly? Once yes... but I was so drunk it could have been anything. -Orsm

click to watch vid


1. They live here - you do not.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and is speech-challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive my car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about the latest fashions, don't wear my clothes (although they've been known to sleep on them from time to time) and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. And, if they get pregnant, I can sell the results.

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My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the pharmacist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

I procrastinated long and hard about this weeks Shite. Do I go the whole hog and fuck you guys up with some of the nastiest stuff out there or do I restrain myself and make in a non-wincing, fun for the entire family thing. Only one way you're going to find out too...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Click for more awesomeness

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said "Coffee Break do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet ate the cookies, drank the milk shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

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A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Unfortunately, the blonde's foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.

As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the K-Mart Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy

Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy

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Well guys that's about all you're getting out of me this week. As always i hope i was successful in dragging you away from whatever else it is that you're supposed to be doing and if so, my work here is done!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and feel free to check out my Amazon.com wish list if you're stuck for house warming gifts for me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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