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June 2014...
orsmupdate 2014.06.26-18.20

Welcome to being whelmed.

Can't remember if I've done any 'here comes winter' blogging this season and I don't care. It's been a tad chilly lately and that's all there is to say about that. Has been an absolutely ginormous week although I doubt there's any link between the weather and my busyness. Yes I'm powerful but not aware of it extending to weather control even in an abstract way. It all started last Friday...

Foolishly called a meeting onsite at the house build first thing that day. Everyone involved was in town and available so let's get together and discuss some stuff. Great idea in principle but just about impossible to keep on message and avoid the faffing around. Nope... let's get distracted, take long phone calls, talk to tradesmen and waste time despite people [me] constantly saying hurry the fuck up, we need to go soon, yes that selection is fine, and so on. Barely got anything achieved before racing off 90 mins later. Next stop was one of the many places we have belongings stored. The storer was moving house and we had to get stuff out ASAP. We got there, loaded as much in 2 cars as possible then headed for home. Sure enough the phone rings on the way... its some rando wanting to look at my car and it needs to be soon... "Oh and can you come to me?". FFS.

So we get home, unload rapidly and I take off to go get my car back. Of course I'd just swapped it to move the boxes etc. Anyway I get there, swap, shoot off to find a carwash, wash the car and miraculously make it to the guy's place on time. He waked around the car for a minute, asked to take it for a drive and made an offer whilst still on the road. Have to respect someone who can do that. I procrastinate like crazy, analyse possible ramifications, Google it, Facebook stalk, ask around. Not this guy. He liked the car, he bought it. We drove straight to the bank, got a cheque for the full amount, got transfer papers from the post office and had a coffee while we filled them in. I've crapped on the last few weeks how I had an emotional attachment to the car and ideally, upon someone agreeing to buy it, would've had a day or two to give it a final wash, clean my stuff out, sit in the back and cry my little heart out before handing it over. Nope. We drove back to my place, found the license papers, the spare key, quickly got my shit out and watched him drive away... as he lit up the first cigarette to ever be smoked in the car! #nooooooo

A lot of lessons were learned from selling privately; the main one being never to do it again. I couldn't have been any more honest with everyone who looked at the car yet all you get is unrealistic, timewasting fuckwits who think you're trying to rip them off.

Later afternoon I got the call to come collect the new car. Well... the baby's new car. The deal is the baby only goes out in the new car, an SUV - its safer and more practical and you can see my vagina when I'm driving it. We spend an hour getting the rundown on how to operate everything and eventually take the keys... thus breaking a promise I swore I'd never break again. No more black cars! This makes the fourth one now [in a row!]. It's also bigger [than what it replaces] which I didn't want but it's a diesel so lots of kilometres between refuels. And that's sweet because refuelling is like shitting... you only do it because you have to.

Up early Saturday and begin the weekly soup cook up. Leave heavily preg GF in bed, a couple hours later her sister rolls around with their cousin who has flown in from the other side of the country as a surprise. They sneak upstairs. Bitches cry. Everyone's happy. We take off to dim sum, find the favourite place finally reopened that morning and smash some buns. Getting home I attach the trailer and head over to grab the remaining stuff from the previous days attempt. Literally the moment I have everything loaded, including an expensive mattress ensemble, it begins to rain. Not just any rain though - torrential end-of-days rain. By the time we got home it was soaked to the core. The rest of the day was more cooking, some driving the cousin around and a quiet night.

As if I hadn't already assumed enough of the general day to day household chores, I got a whole sob story about why the house needed to be vacuumed. Just shut up and do it or hormonal people may cry. More than 2 hours nonstop to do the whole house. Next was shower and drive the girls to my parents which was the scene of the baby shower... then quickly GTFO of there. Why? Aint no one want to sit in a room with 50 clucky women eating cake.

I get the couple-of-hour-later phone call saying "May as well head over... starting to wind down now". So I do... apparently far, far too soon. Even though the whole 'shower' was nothing to do with me, we both had some stipulations. One of the main ones was about gifts... as in it was absolutely NOT to be about getting stuff. It was about sticking some close friends and fam together and that's it. There was to be no sit around and open presents whatsoever. Remember, this was important. But no. By the time I walked in there was still a crowd and sure enough we both end up circled, everyone crowded around oww-ing and ahh-ing, over each thing as it was unwrapped, discussed and handed around for a look. It was torture. Excruciating. Mortifying. I *hate* opening gifts and I *hate* having to pretend otherwise. Admittedly sounds a bit ungrateful. It wasn't and I'm not. Got to enjoy some delicious high calorie food and see some people not seen for a while AND take home a car full of baby supplies and toys.

And that was about it. The heavily condensed version of a crazy few days. Lot of fun, relaxing and a few significant dones crossed off the to-do list. With this fresh in our minds it is time to check it...

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The Chase - Hang Time - Escape - Honest Trailer - Meth Prank - Ram Time - Impossible! - All Natural - Flash It

The Bottom - Street Sex - Pigtails - Got Crabs - Burger Me! - Hard Sex - True Tits - Assholic - Great Cans - Racist Cow

Perdition - So Proud - Break Her - Evil Bitch - Real Effects - Fudge Deep - Don't Like - Plen-toe-ful - Making Porn

A couple was watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said "Whadaya say we try that African string-and-weight procedure?" Her husband agreed and they tied and string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband "How is our tribal experiment coming?" "Well, it looks like we're half-way there" he replied. "You've grown to 12 inches??" she said, astonished. "No. It's turned black" he answered.
What does sex in a boat and American beer have in common? They're both fucking close to water.
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day". Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there" he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, mummy?" Her mum said, using a well-worn phrase "The good Lord sent you". "And did Lord send you too, mummy?" "Yes, dear, He did". "And grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl. Again the answer was "Yes". The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone is so cranky!"


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-A man from Delaware torched his own home and his own convertible to collect on his homeowners and auto insurance. It all started when pans on his wood stove ignited while he was cooking. Then buckets of coals caught on fire. After trying to extinguish the inferno, he threw the first bucket out the door, where it apparently landed in the backseat of his convertible. While en route to tossing the second pan outside, he tripped and the second landed on his sofa. Unbelievable? That's what local law enforcement thought, too. The guy pleaded guilty to second and third degree attempted insurance fraud. Result: Five years' probation, no insurance benefits. Home and car completely destroyed.

-A North Carolina woman somehow managed to accidentally bake her Nokia phone in her daughter's birthday cake. The insurance company decline to pay damages.

-A British woman that bought new skis to go skiing in the Alps decided to try collecting on them after she arrived and realised there was no snow. The insurance company refused citing her lack of foresight.

-A client of mine claimed he broke his arm cycling to work when taking a shortcut through a farm: "I came around a corner and was run off the road by a herd of guinea pigs. The farmer verified the claimant's story. Apparently the farmer's daughters' pets had escaped and multiplied into plague proportions.

-A couple vacationing in southern France filed an insurance claim for the paint on their car after it got licked off by a herd of cows.

-A livestock farmer in the UK claimed that his phone disappeared inside the back end of one of his cows. It wasn't that he had any perverse or deviant obsession... he'd been using the torch on his iPhone while assisting the cow during calving in the middle of a particularly dark and stormy night. The phone later made a reappearance - but perhaps unsurprisingly, failed to work. Result: insurance company paid out on the claim in full.

-For 7 years between 1993 and 2000 Isabel Parker pretended to slip and fall in various locations. After doing it nearly 49 times she filed insurance claims worth nearly a millions dollars. Unfortunately for her the insurance company didn't fall for it.

-While vacationing in Malaysia a couple had their clothes stolen and scattered around the jungle by a thieving band of monkeys. The insurance company agreed to cover their losses.

-A British tourist in Athens ended up running into a bus shelter after supposedly being distracted by a group of females. In spite of his embarrassing mistake the insurance company still covered the hospital bill.

-Years ago, my husband was driving the kids to preschool in our rural neighbourhood. Out of nowhere a very big deer leapt out of the side bushes and smashed into the car. Luckily the only injuries were to the car. When the insurance company was called to file the claim, they wanted to know if the buck's feet were ON the ground or OFF the ground when it hit the car. "Why?" I asked. They said this would determine whether the claim was covered or not. I asked which one was covered. You can guess the rest, but I still wonder who is looking at feet when you are being charged by a huge animal! (Incidentally, feet ON the ground was covered. Their logic was seemingly that the car was hit by something, rather than vice-versa, if that makes sense.

-A couple made a claim on their camera after they lost it over the side of cruise ship trying to film themselves recreating that scene in Titanic.

-A Texas woman filed a claim on her diamond ring after her goose swallowed it. Apparently she had spent several weeks sifting through goose poop without any luck. The insurance company refused to pay but did suggest dissection. The woman's tough choice was made for her when the goose flew away.

-Fortis insurance paid out a whopping $44 million when Gary Hart fell asleep at the wheel and killed 10 people after his car rolled onto tracks and derailed an approaching train.

-A woman in her late 20s from the UK claimed that the vibration function on her Blackberry Bold 9900 phone had stopped working while she was using it as an adult toy. Result: Raucous laughter from inside the insurance claims office for several days.

-A family on vacation in England were in for a surprise when a parachutist landed on their equipment destroying most of it. The insurance company wouldn't pay for the damages.

-A Virginia woman filed a claim against Cracker Barrel when she said she found a mouse in her soup. Upon closer inspection by the restaurant they determine that there was no cheese in the rodent's lungs and therefore the mouse was not cooked with the food. The woman is now in jail for attempted extortion.

-I was reminded of one I read when working for a plumbing firm many years ago. A lady had claimed for a leaking toilet and had sent in the form like this: "The leaking toilet is reached through my back passage, but please tell the plumbers when they arrive that they must knock on the front door as my back passage is blocked with the things out of the toilet".

-A woman in Sri Lanka was knocked out cold by a falling coconut as she sat reading under a palm tree. Apparently this incident isn't uncommon and apparently ever year about 150 people are killed by falling coconuts. The insurance company paid in full.

-A man on an Alaskan cruise apparently lost his dentures overboard as he was surveying the ocean. He filed a lost baggage claim with the insurance company but was denied.

-The children of a couple on vacation in Italy ended up burying their parent's camera in the sand. Fortunately the insurance company didn't bury their claim.

-High living had left Chicago grain futures executive deeply in debt. In desperation, he torched his home for the $730,000 in insurance money. To make it appear a suicide, he led his 90-year-old mother Carmen downstairs, doused the basement with accelerant, and tossed the match.

-A jeweller in London tried to file a claim when a customer brought him a 200 pound watch to fix. He accidentally ended up returning him a 10,000 pound watch but the insurance company decided he was on his own.

-A clever lawyer bought a pack of cigars and had them insured against all sorts of catastrophes including floods, storms, and of course fire. A few months later he filed a claim saying his cigars had all disappeared in a series of "small fires". The insurance company correctly assumed that he had smoked them and told him to get lost. The judge however force the insurance company to pay up because they didn't specify the type or size of fire in the contract.

-When the bride's dress caught on fire the future husband grabbed her and through her into the Caribbean water. Although the wedding didn't really go as planned at least the insurance company was willing to dish out for the dress.

-I once made a claim due to a broken washing machine. I put a load of washing on before going away for the weekend. On my return I found it to be stuck in a boiling cycle and my whole kitchen was nigh on destroyed by the steam. When I made a claim through my broker to the insurance company it was denied as I was not insured for steam damage! My broker quickly pointed out that water is H2O and the same chemical compound at steam! They were not having it. The judge, in the small claims court, did not even allow the insurance company's counsel to speak. He took two minutes to read out the case, laughed and said "Water is H2O as is steam - case for the plaintiff".

-Death by carbon monoxide poisoning and smoke inhalation must have seemed the perfect alibi. But federal agents continued to investigate the fire, and the truth emerged. Most definitely no insurance payout on this one and 190 years in federal prison to think about it.

-An Indiana man driving home from Christmas shopping was behind a car with a Christmas tree attached to the roof when all of a sudden the tree slid off and came crashing through his windshield. The other driver sped off and the police ended up telling him he might as well keep the tree. A free tree and a brand new windshield... not a bad Christmas.

-A man on vacation in Australia put in a claim on his car after a wild camel supposedly kicked in the door. The insurance company was understandably weary but after a video evidence was produced they forked over the cash.

-A safety training instructor was working with several trainees when the elevator they were using for demonstrations got stuck. Although the trainees got some real world experience they didn't see it that way. The insurance companies had to pay for the 'mental anguish' they suffered as a result of being exposed to what they were training for.

-When I worked in personnel at an airline I handled claims for processing. I received the following explanation from the catering department: "Burned elbow while putting tongue into pot". Apparently the fellow was in the process of cooking tongue, which is then sliced for sandwiches. This was approximately 1960 when airlines had cooking facilities in the hangars.


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In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless".

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself". "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after 3 expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of". ..

Here the colonel interrupted.

"Yes, yes; never mind that Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file". "Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a motherfucker".


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There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat. One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down".

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat approached the horse and said "Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!"

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat came back and said "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three"...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said "Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses".

After they left, the goat approached the horse and said "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... good, good. Now faster, come on... fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!"

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's Cook the goat!!"


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Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother's house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat... she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.

One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says "Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself? You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties".

Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says "No he won't, see I have a gun to protect myself". She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother's house.

Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says "What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest he's going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties".

Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles "No he won't I have a big gun in my basket..." She pulls out the gun "See, nothing can harm me". Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother's house.

Little red finally makes it to grandmother's house... and knocks on the door... no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells "Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!"

The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells "No you're not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!"

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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them".

His friend thinks for a moment and says "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother".

A few months later they meet again and his friend says "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much".

The friend said "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied "My father doesn't like her".


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Just before Christmas I was shopping at a toy fair in Worcester. I glanced to my left and caught sight of a queue at the doll counter; they were waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls.

As I looked I realised that in the queue was a good friend of mine. Knowing Lennie well I was sure that he had no daughters nor did he have any nieces so I wondered why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time.

"Hey, Lennie" I cried "I hadn't realised you collected dolls". "I don't" he replied laughing.

"Really?" I queried "then you must be buying a Christmas present?"  "No, not at all, my friend" responded Lennie, his eyes twinkling merrily.

"If you don't mind my asking then Lennie" I said "Why exactly are you standing in this particular queue?"

"Oh that" he giggled. "It's like this, my mate" he mused "I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue".


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This guy is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when suddenly gets this feeling that he has to go make an urgent call to the potty. So he goes into the bathroom and sees this really short guy taking a piss.

He takes the stall next to this short guy, and while taking a piss the guy happens to look over at the little guy and by accident sees his dick. He just can't help saying to the guy "man that is a big dick! I wish that I had a dick that big!"

"Well" says the little guy" I'm leprechaun and I can grant you one wish, and all you have to do is suck on me wang!"

In horror of the thought the man exclaims "I don't think so you little faggot, even for a dick that size!" "Fine then" says the leprechaun.

But after a minute of thinking the man says "Alright I'll do it". So the man starts to suck the leprechaun's dick and when he is finished he says "I can't believe that I am going to have a dick that big!"

And the little guy says "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"


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An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys and says "99".

The doctor says "Great" now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'". Again, the old guy says "99". The doctor said "Very good".

"Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'".

The old guy begins "One... two... three..."


Totally amazing update OVER. Do yourself a solid and read on...

-Check out the site archives. So big that investigators believe they may be the final resting place of Madeleine McCann.
-Next update will be next Thursday... but expect radio silence at least one update next month.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will say some fairly inappropriate things to people about you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and mind your own shit. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.06.19-17.50

Welcome to trigger warning.

Has been a unique week... where to begin. Probably the biggest change to anything ever is now having a dependant. And no, the little poop machine hasn't stuck his, her or its head out yet. Nope... I refer to the GF going on maternity leave or 'mat leave' as the cool parents say. So far there's been a lot of sleeping which I'm totally cool with. What I'm not quite as cool with is her referring to it as "Being on holidays". "Maaaaybe you're looking at this wrong". Also finding it weird having someone in my [daytime] space. Our housemates never come upstairs and it's possible to not see them all day but now with the missus waddling past my office [read: desk in a thoroughfare] it's hard to not stop, take the headphones off and discuss whatever. After spending so many years locked in a house just myself and dog its another adjustment that will take some getting used to.

Moving on. Feels like all I've done for the past few days is field calls and messages about the car. Who the fuck knew it would be such a big production? Last Friday I modified the ads and dropped price slightly. Shit has just exploded. I kid you not, Monday night there were 2 calls and 3 messages within seconds of each other. Seem to have fallen into that fruit loop category too. One guy, no shit, called up and spoke nonstop for 30 minutes; would ask a question and then just keep speaking: "Is it in good condition? Because I don't want to waste my time. Lot of time wasters around you know! So what about the wheels? What size are they? And is the paint in good nick? And..." He then went on to give me his life story and topped it all off with 5 minutes confirming he would call me Thursday... or Friday... or Thursday. I think the most annoying however are the guys who roll up in their wife's $70,000 SUV, make an offer and then squabble over $500. Plenty of that going on...

On to other business and beginning with hipster Saturday which was the first weekend in aaaages I haven't had to be tooled up and working on site. It almost seemed there may be some time to kick back and just do my own thing but I'll get to that. First order of business was breakfast with friends. They popped out a baby not that long ago so good to get their perspective on what to expect. The café though was, depending on your long-top-shaved-sides haircut, hipster heaven or hell with a menu full of weird stuff you've never heard of that just ends up being overpriced eggs with kale or some other weed on top.

It was home from there and an unencumbered afternoon ahead. There's been some implied pressure for over a year now to build a new side gate for the house we're in. Reasonable sized job so have been putting it off because it would take longer than I usually have. I grabbed a car and headed for the hardware store to make a start. Consumed the best part of 2 hours by the time I figured out what gates and hardware etc were required and it was mid-afternoon by the time I got back. Too late to begin building... I'll take this rare opportunity to play some PS3. And then the phone rang - spend a while chatting to a mate, interrupted by a call about the car, then some delivery guys show up with a couch, then we move a different couch upstairs, move a bunch of other stuff around and then straight into the shower before a boys night. Didn't manage a single second of game time.

The night started off at a trendy new bar in the city. Ate some food, ogled the girls and hopped around the streets to a bunch of places I'd never been or heard of. The highlight though was a hipster-run BBQ house. Exactly the kind of joint that would make Ron Swanson blush. A mind-blowingly awesome dedication to meat was enough to make me look past the ridiculous beards and I don't remember ever speaking to anyone more passionate about their food and what they do than the guy who operates the meat smoker. Beyond that the rest of the night was pretty good - got a little bit drunk and good to catch up with the guys for the first time in a few months.

Was up and moving early Sunday. Operation: new side gate. To get going I needed a single piece of timber ripped which is carpenter speak for "cut down the middle". Loaded it in the car and drove to a mates place. He has a table saw. Took all of 2 minutes to set up and make the cut. "Want to come in for a coffee?" Would have been rude not to... and a couple of hours later I was finally on my way. A few hours after that and another hardware store visit, the fucker was done. Surprisingly easier than expected and hasn't fallen down yet either. It was at that point I successfully managed to sneak away and achieve what I'd wanted to all weekend by parking myself in front of the PlayStation to play some crappy second-hand war game I'd bought for $7 which, ironically, was totally shit. The lesson here? Bwahaha suck it Orsm you big stupid fuckhead.

And on that note, lets get on with an update so amazing you will shit your fucking pants before reaching the end of it. of that I am sure so.... check it...

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Mean Messi - Chug It - Burrrn! - Drmzzz - Eradicate - 60yo Gamer - Now U Know - Curvy - Kim's Wet T - Tear It Up

Trollface - Srsly Madge? - Obnoxious - Violated Teen - Bobblehead - Lady Boner - Sex Sammich - Dumb Bitch - Hottie

Jump/Wait - Squealer - 100 Nutshots - Super Tough - Trixie Star - Insanity - GaGa Nips - Wasted As - Beach Tits

An international force is being sent to look for the schoolgirls held by Boku Haram. The US is sending a group of CIA operatives, the UK is sending a company of SAS troops. Australia is sending Rolf Harris.
Apple has announced that the upcoming new iOS will give users the option to change Siri to a male-sounding voice. The sad part is that every time you ask him a question, he says "Let me ask my wife" and then it's right back to the female voice.
A snail crawls into a bar just on closing time. He knocks on the door until the barman finally opens the door, and looks around. When he sees the snail he says "Go away. We're closed and besides, we don't serve snails here". He then slams the door in the snail's face. The snail again pounds on the door until the bartender gets so frustrated that he opens the door and kicks the snail away. A year later as the bartender is closing up for the night, he hears a pounding on the door. He opens the door, and who is there but the same snail from a year previous. The snail looks up and says "What did you do that for?"
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American-Indian approached him and said "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand". "So" says the second drunk "What's your point?" "Well" says the first "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"


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-An old friend of mine, really quiet, soft-spoken, polite guy. A total gentleman and a graduate student in the liberal arts. Also, pretty inexperienced, tentative, and sexually vanilla. He's dating this really cool girl for maybe two months. She is much kinkier in bed. She floats the idea of dirty talk, and apparently likes to be objectified, even demeaned a bit, from time to time. He's hesitant, but wants to please her so doesn't dismiss the idea outright. Changes the subject and figures that they'll revisit the idea another time. Anyway... they have sex a few days later for the first time since the conversation. They're going at it doggystyle and she tells him to talk dirty to her. He says that he can't think of anything to say, so he says nothing, and she then repeats the request, but the second time she is not fucking requesting, but demanding it. He comes up with: "Yeah...you like that, you fucking retard?"

-The worst thing you can ever say or talk about to a guy after sex is mentioning anything remotely about, related to, or concerning his mother. It will deflate that mood in less than a nanosecond. Trust me, I'm guilty as charged.

-"Can you do that thing I like?"... I never know what she's talking about! All of a sudden, I'm playing a guessing game.

-"But everybody looks funny naked!"

-He put his hand over my mouth and said "Shhhh. Every time you talk, it goes down".
-One time things were getting hot and heavy with my girlfriend, she whispers my name into my ear, and, for some reason, I still don't know why, I proceed to whisper my own name back into her ear.

-"What the fuck is that on my dick?" It was a giant blood clot. Thanks, uterus.

-I met this much younger, naïve guy after a breakup. He'd only had brief sexual encounters with two women previously. We started playing around and I started giving him a handjob. He exploded within seconds and there was a lake of cum on his stomach, and I said without hesitation "Wow... don't you ever play with yourself?"

-Girl taps on dick and says "Is this thing on?" while holding it like a microphone.

-"Jesus. Every other girl I've been with would have cum by now".

-The morning after, I asked her if I was a good lover. She said I was "Definitely in the top 50!"

-My wife once told me she had been trying to pull my best mate when she met me. For some reason she thought bringing it up during sex would be the best time. I sometimes wonder if she still thinks about him.

-"You woke me up for that?"

-I once drunkenly hooked up with a guy I'd been friends with for a couple of years. We were at a party at his place and the music was loud enough to be heard from the bedroom so we didn't turn any on when we started fooling around. Everything was going great, we had moved onto the actual sex, when he starts... softly singing. It's not the song that's playing out in the living room either, he just decided to start singing, and he's getting louder and louder until he's really belting it out. "BYYYYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE, DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVEE BUT THE LEVEE WAS DRY!" It was fucking weird.

-"That was nice". Sex isn't supposed to be 'nice' - it's sex. Anything short of 'wow' and a guy will think he didn't perform well.

-I once had sex with a girl who asked me if I was nearly done. Talk about instant turn off. Weirdly, she called me the next day to say shed had a great time. I'd deleted her number by then.

-"Do you smell something burning?"

-He called me his wife's name. I didn't know he was married.

-Never say "I wish you could've lasted longer". Only adds pressure for next time and it won't solve the problem!

-"That's my stomach". It was my first time and she was a bit overweight, I just stuck it where it felt the best.

I was in LA on a business trip. I met what I thought was my soul mate. Nuzzling up to her after our loving making session, basking in the glow of it, and I whispered in her ear "How was it for you?" She replied "Better than a root canal".

"And to think, I was trying to pull your best friend!"

-About halfway through this girl asked if I was a virgin. This was basically the biggest blow to my self-confidence I can think of.

-"Did I mention the video camera?"

-My boyfriend said "peepee sad" after a series of giggle fits during sex. He then got up and hit me in the eye with his dick.

-"You're an 8 in the dark!"

-The first "I love you". This happened to me during my college years and made things very awkward since we just started seeing each other.

-"We used a condom, right?"

-My girlfriend said "Shall we make a baby?" while we were having sex. It freaked me out so much I left her.

-"And to think, I was really trying to pick up your friend!"

"If I were you, I would learn how to please a woman". Ouch.

-I like my girlfriends mum... I just don't want to talk about her while we're shagging. We were shagging over her place one time when said "Shhh! Can you keep it down? My mum's a light sleeper".

-"You remind me of my ex and it makes me uncomfortable... could you please leave?"

-"We have to hurry, my boyfriend will be here soon".

-I was actually naked before she decided to tell me she had genital warts. I put my clothes on again pretty quick!

-"Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober".

-"So... do you just wanna, just, like, cuddle instead?"

"That's not what I expected" can be crushing because it hits at the core of a man's self-image.

-A girl once said my dick was cute. I was soft at the time so it wasn't that bad but even so, I didn't appreciate it.

-"Maybe you're just out of practice".

-Once after about 10 pumps I called out "SURPRISE!"... then came all over her stomach. It was to cover my embarrassment at coming so quickly.

-My girlfriend's brother and I have the same name. After learning this amazing fact, the next few times we had sex his face would pop into my head whenever she said out my name.


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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Begrudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?"

He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast and grabbed his bucket.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. As he ran up the stairs of his apartment he was in such a hurry that he tripped and dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.

Just then the door opened with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps then he looked at her then back at the snails and said "Come on lads, not far now!"


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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their 'secret' base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, told him Vegas was that-a-way and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"


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This is a bricklayer's report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure...

Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs) I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.


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A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would like to come in the house and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. "For a $50 tip" the cabby agreed.

Quietly entering the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the covers back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He's the one who paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for the new 36' SeaRay. He paid for your NFL season tickets. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said "What would you do?"

The cabby said "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.

First cowboy says "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain".

Second cowboy says "Well, I think it's blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed".

Third cowboy says "Well, I think its light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light".

Fourth cowboy says "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhoea". All the others ask simultaneously "Diarrhoea? Why?"

Fourth cowboy says "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which I suspect had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenos and some chilli peppers I never saw before".

First cowboy asks "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhoea?" Fourth cowboy says "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn on that goddamn light"...


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There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted hanker-chief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate".

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of syrup. Pour the syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple!"


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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you"... The girl looked at him, then said "NO!"

Eddie said "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up".

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down". She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply "The bastard had all quarters!"


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There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night, and the Amish still ride in buggies.

Her mother asked "Why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves.

The Girl said to her mother "It's supposed to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?" Her mother replied "Just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm". So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on their way.

On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. Her date looked over and said "What on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?" She replied "My mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm". Her date said to her "Well my dick is frozen solid... do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?" The girl said "Well I don't see any harm in it". So he did.

After returning home from her date she asked her mother "What do you know about them there dicks?" Her mother said "Why what do you know about dicks?" The girl looked at her mother and said "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"


Wake up, it's time to go.

-Check out the site archives where I promise nothing but deliever everything.
-Next update will be next Thursday the 26th of
Cunt June, 2014.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will eat your young.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop pretending you don't want the D. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.06.12-17.51

Welcome to see you at the party, Richter!

Biggest annoyance of the week is without a doubt my car and fruitless efforts to sell it. It's advertised online at all the usual spots and there've been occasional enquiries. The problem is that none, except one, has followed up or shown up despite indicating otherwise. Flowing on from that, every motherfucker that gets on the phone thinks they're some sort of negotiating guru. One clown, no shit, called me from the other side of the country offering 30% less than the already incredibly realistic asking price and THEN tried to negotiate on who would pay for transporting it across. OKAY-NOW-PLEASE-RAPE-MY-FACE-THANKS.

There was a guy however. He test drove. Scrutinised. Did all the things you would do if you wanted to buy a car. We back and forthed over email and in the end there was $500 in the middle that neither of us was prepared to budge and the sale fell through. Admittedly sounds a bit stupid not to have just dropped that extra bit but I'd already dropped thousands to him coming up $0. There's the emotional attachment here and I'm not cool with someone shitting all over it. And yes I know that's my problem. The last year and a half has seen some massive changes. Dog died, gave up my house, 99% of my stuff is in storage, quit the cigs, work 7 days and 4 nights a week, social life has almost completely disappeared and the one thing I have left is my pride and joy that I worked insanely hard to get. No way I'm giving that up for peanuts to a peanut and regretting it for all eternity.

Moving onnnn. There has been fuck all going on really. Oh except house-housetty-housey-house-house. When it wasn't my house, it was someone else's house. Last Friday... there was a bunch of shit that needed doing. First was the stair treads I crapped on abut last week and ongoing epoxy resin applications to fill the small to huge imperfections in them. I've had about 6 or 7 goes at them so far; a messy job but they should now be ready for sanding. Next was spraying hydrochloric acid on steel to make it rust. One of those architectural features that is possible for low cost and manageable risk of skin and/or lung damage. Afterward was a good 4 hours of loading a junk pile into a bin. I'd probably not have been so eager to put myself through moving a few tonnes of rubbish but some genius delivered the bin right where it is immediately obvious to every passing car and neighbourhood in general. If I didn't get the fucker full with our crap then they surely would with theirs.

Up early Sat morning to wash the car, drove a few suburbs away and parked it on the side of a busy road with a big for sale sign. Was picked up from there and carted over to a friend's house which she'd just bought. I'd been coerced there to help no-more-gap and paint. Why? To get rid of the inescapable cigarette smell and nicotine stained everything. The house was apparently last tenanted by state housing recipients who, ironically, had enough welfare cash flowing into their pockets that they could turn a house yellow by smoking but not afford to rent or buy their own place. I bailed out of late afternoon to get back to car and give the guy a test drive then home for a quiet one.

Colour me surprised... another early start Sunday. Dropped car back to where it was the day before, grabbed a coffee from a nearby hipster place, swung by the hardware store and got dropped back at the house to work. Another go over of stair treads, another go over with the acid. And then installed, finally, my network cabinet. This means that all the cabling I did months ago now has a proper, built in place to terminate to. Once there's power to the house I'll be able to fit patch panels, switch, modem and hopefully have Gbps out the ass...

Carless, I was collected at about 1 and we headed off to my nieces third birthday party which was limited to immediate fam and basically involved watching her open presents while scoffing ice cream cake. Honestly what else do you need? Ice cream cakes is amazing. From there we went back to pick up my car. Two unsuccessful attempts in-between getting groceries from two different places because each time we went by there were people walking around the car. Just could not be fucked talking to neck beards. Finally home as the sky darkened it was time to do the weekly soup cook up... which hadn't happened for a few weeks. Long story short - a couple more hours on my feet before collapsing in a heap quietly regretting every life decision that's brought me to this point.

And that boys and girls has you more or less up to date with some of the goings on in my life. No doubt you're wondering how reading that that enriched your anything. Well the answer is it doesn't... but you'll be glad to know there's a brand spankin' new insanityballs update below. Check it...

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DIY God - Tardiness - Battle City - Worth It!! - Drawfender - Ur So Hot - Deep Cleav - Pool Nips - Inhumanity

Dirty Anal - Alt Sex - Quality Tits - Street Sex - BOOM! - Solo Teen - It Happens - Don't Do It - Value Add - Labiaplasty

Brain Teaser - LOL Akbar - Nasty Bitch - LeeLoo - Deaf Slut - Incredible - Oh Shit!! - Willy Big - Whacked - Nice Camel

A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says "Fill it up, please". The attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are occupied by penguins. "Hey buddy" says the attendant to the driver "These birds can't be happy like this... they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo or something". The motorist agrees to do so. The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once again the attendant sees the penguins sitting in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels... "What's this?" he says to the driver "I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?" The driver says "I did... and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach".
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch". "But I'm not pregnant" she says. "Well you're not out of the ditch yet" he says.
A man in a restaurant orders the house special. The waitress brings out the order beginning with some hot soup. The customer notices the waitress has her thumb in the soup. Feeling sorry for the waitress, he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten. When she brings the main course her thumb is in the potatoes. Then in the coffee. Finally, he angrily asks the waitress why she has her thumb in all his hot food. The waitress says "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm". The customer says "why don't you stick it up your arse!" And the waitress says "I do that in the kitchen!
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled by. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome. How you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off. "Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife. "Err... just a woman I met professionally" replied the doctor. "Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"


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-I had a 17 year-old come in to be induced. I got through her paperwork and thought to myself "To only be 17 years old this girl seems to have it all together". I then told her that I would have to give her an enema and she asked what an enema was. So I explained it to her - I showed her the enema and told her that I would put the liquid into her rectum and that she should hold it for a bit, then when she needed to, we would get up and go to the bathroom. She looked me dead in the eye and said "Won't that drown my baby?!"

-A psych ward admitted a fourteen year-old girl whose parents complained that she was promiscuous and needed to be evaluated. She was placed in the only remotely appropriate room, one with a 12-year-old old hooker/heroin addict. The 14-year-old was always courteous, well-behaved and in bed at every bed check. But after she'd been discharged, one of the juvenile males revealed to the staff that she'd been crawling up into the ceiling panels at night, crawling over to the boys' room, humping the night away, then crawling back in the morning. The staff investigated her room and also found dozens of syringes, needles, and stashes. Apparently the 14-year-old had been successfully rehabilitated... by her roommate.

-An ER received a heart-attack victim, a man in his early 40's. From the beginning, it was clear something about him was wrong. He was alert, conscious, and complaining of excruciating chest pain. Just as nitro-glycerine was being initiated, he went into ventricular fibrillation. He had no pulse and no pressure, but amazingly remained conscious. Worse than conscious, he was angry. As he fought to get off the stretcher, he began yelling at the staff "Leave me the hell alone, goddamn you! Go to hell, let me die!" He had become so cyanotic from the neck up, his skin colour was almost black, his eyes had gone from sky blue to a strange ocean green, the whites of his eyes became a deep red, and his voice changed, becoming deeper. After being defibrillated, his normal voice returned, but the physical changes remained. He became nicer, asking where he was and what had happened. But once again he went into v-fib, and once again he didn't lose consciousness. He again began to curse and scream, his eyes bulging so much it looked like they would pop out of his head. Then something even stranger happened. In a meek, almost begging voice he said "Please don't let him" and then began cursing again. He was defibrillated twice more, and within a half-hour was stable enough to transport to a tertiary facility. Crazy.

-I was heading down the hallway on the coronary care unit in which I worked. I was minding my own business, heading down the hallway and just happened to glance into a patient's room. I couldn't believe what I saw... the older gentleman, who clearly was having some post-op dementia after open heart surgery, was sitting up in the middle of his bed and with knees bent and feet braced at the bedrail for extra support. With both hands HE WAS PULLING on all of his CHEST TUBES with ALL OF HIS MIGHT!! I sprang into action along with all the surrounding nursing staff. It took security along with all of us to restrain this man so he wouldn't hurt himself.

-I was triaging a patient in who I thought to be going into labour. Doing the pain assessment, I asked her "Is your pain intermittent or constant?" "What?" "Does your pain come and go or is it constant?" "Well, it constantly comes and goes!"

-My first job as a nursing assistant, I worked at a nursing home for Veterans. Some of them were mentally ill from post-traumatic stress. Anyway I was told never to get on an elevator alone with one of them because of a possibility for violence. Well wouldn't you know, I wasn't paying much attention one night and went to get on the elevator and right behind me slips in one of the scariest old patients at the home. His hair was cropped short and he had that crazy look about him. When the doors to the elevator shut I turned around to see him grinning at me from ear to ear. He came up close, looked me dead in the eyes and with a great big smile while rubbing his head, told me "I had 30 shock treatments and they haven't helped" I thought I was going to pass out but held it together till the doors opened and I bolted for safety!

"Hi, I have your medication for you". "Oh, okay". "I'm gonna give you some Pepcid for your stomach, but I'm putting it in your IV". (Patient looked a bit perplexed) "Okay. Uhmmm... I have a question". "Oh, what's your question?" "Well, I hope you don't mind me asking, but I was just wondering... why Pepsi and not Coke?"

-I had this female patient who was very slight on top but very wide across the bottom. One day, she soiled herself and her aide was unable to get her cleaned up. I was called to lend a hand. It was decided that she was no longer able to remain at home so I called for transfer to the local hospital. She had no clean gowns available so the plan was to transport her wrapped in blankets. Upon undressing her, the aide and I realised that she really wasn't that large across her hips... it was her breasts resting alongside her hips! When we tried transferring her to the stretcher, we had a very difficult time controlling her breasts. It looked like she had two cantaloupes in a pair of nylons attached to her chest. The patient, obviously experienced in this situation, said "No problem. I know how to handle this". With that, she took both of her breasts and tossed them over her shoulders!

-I was caring for a 22-year-old newly diagnosed insulin dependent diabetic who was extremely non-compliant. In my effort to illustrate that compliance and good control of blood sugars generally will delay the onset and severity of long-term complications, I shared the clinical picture of a young man. The man, due to his denial of his disease, by 32 years of age was blind, on dialysis, had lost his testicles and was about to have his feet amputated. The patient cried out in horror "How can you live without testicles?"

-We had a patient come in to deliver with a tattoo just above her pubic hair that was a euphemism for female genitalia and below it was an arrow pointing down towards said body part. The OB who did her delivery was quite amused and said "How dumb are the guys that she's fooling around with that she has to provide them with directions?"

-A 15-year old boy was lying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from methamphetamine that he had injected into his vein with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this, the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "I've been screwing the dog?"

-I had this little lady who had one of her legs missing. She had a prosthesis. We had just got done with her shower and had her dressed and in her chair with her leg on. While we were going down the hall her leg got caught making it look like her leg was bent all the way back under the chair. A nearby maintenance man see's this and starts screaming about her leg breaking. Being the funny type, she started screaming as well saying "Oh my God you tore my leg off!"

-An ER nurse reported that a 20-something male was brought in with massive blood loss from severe lacerations to his right lower leg and foot, as well as to his right shoulder and upper back. It seemed the man had taken a female acquaintance to his friend's place to use the outdoor spa (the friend wasn't home). The nurse reported that the man had decided to get into the house to get warm. Being drunk and not having the keys, he had decided to kick in the glass sliding door. The broken glass cut his leg, so he decided to call an ambulance using the phone inside the house. Having failed to kick the door in, he had taken a run up and shouldered the rest of the door open. The female friend, quite reasonably, left.

-A nurse was giving an 87-year-old male patient a sponge bath, when she stood him up so she could wash his privates. He looked down and said "Have you ever seen anything so big?" The nurse didn't know exactly what to tell him, and tried to think of an appropriate response. But before she could say a word, the patient shook his head and said "My brother in law told me once that, these have got to be biggest damn feet he has ever seen".

-We had a very confused patient sitting at the nursing station. We kept her near the nursing station so we could monitor her safety.  The woman kept insisting to all who could hear that she was pregnant and in labour.  Our medical director came walking down the hall just in time to hear all the commotion.  He began to assess and interview her regarding her 'labour pains'.  He asked the patient exactly how she could have become pregnant at her age.  She gave him a very bewildered look and said matter-of-factly "Why if you don't know by now doctor, I don't feel like it's my place to tell you!"

-Late one night, a hospital monitor tech announced to the nursing staff that room 5 was off the monitor. A nurse aide who was near the room told the patient's assigned nurse to stay seated - she'd go and put the patient's leads back on her. The aide pulled back the curtain to peek in, expecting to see the female patient rolling over in the bed. Instead she was greeted by the sight of the 300-pound patient without her IV, her monitor leads or her foley, fully disrobed, on all fours on the floor near the foot of the bed. Her head was in the trash can, and she was in a seven-foot-wide puddle of her own urine and excrement. The aide quietly went back to the desk and said "Nurse, your patient needs you".

-A hospice nurse got a call from an agency that a patient was expected to pass very soon. They asked that he tend to the family. The nurse who was supposed to be there had been called away for some reason. He complained that it was all the way across town and it was not his usual day to work but went anyway. When he was nearly there the agency called him to say the family had reported that the patient had passed but to still go and start post-mortem care. When he arrived he introduced himself saying "Hello I'm Marty, I'm from Hospice". The family's mouths fell open and they all looked shocked. He apologised that their usual nurse could not make it. They said "No that's not it. Grandma kept mumbling that Marty was coming. We thought she was just talking nonsense but here you are!"

-I was working the brain injury unit of a rehab hospital. I needed to start an IV on a male patient who spoke only Chinese. I was making no progress trying to explain to him by gestures what I needed to do. The patient was speaking to me, but I had no idea what he was saying. At that time his son, who spoke Chinese but also fluent English, arrived and he offered to help. He managed to explain the procedure to his father well enough that his father allowed me to start the line. I thanked the son, explaining that I spoke no Chinese. "It wouldn't matter if you did" the son explained. "He isn't making sense anyway".

-I worked in a LTC that had a strange haunting. The room in which it happened was occupied by a 65 year old comatose male. He had no roommate. The man's TV was often on, per family request. The volume on the TV would go up and down without anyone touching the volume button. I had even been in the room when this had happened. Maintenance had checked the TV several times and found nothing wrong. Once on night shift, two nurses went in the room to check the gentleman. The volume on the TV went up, nurse turned it down. Out of nowhere a man's voice said "Leave it alone!" You can believe they got out of there fast!


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A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now" said the professor "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff".

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to look after yourself. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and do odd jobs at home".

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand".

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.


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It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it". Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?" "Yeah" says Peggy Sue's father "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids" with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:



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Defence Attorney: "Will you please state your age?"
Old Lady: "I am 94 years old".

Defence Attorney: "Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?"
Old Lady: "There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me".

Defence Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly".

Defence Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?"
Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh".
Defence Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Old Lady: "No, I didn't stop him".
Defence Attorney: "Why not?"
Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago".

Defence Attorney: "What happened next?"
Old Lady: "He began to rub all over of my body".
Defence Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him".
Defence Attorney: "Why not?"
Old Lady: "His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!"

Defence Attorney: "What happened next?"
Old Lady: "Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defence Attorney: "Did he take you?"
Old Lady: "Hell, no! He just yelled 'April Fool!' That's when I shot the little bastard!"


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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students at a university. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would each go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who now had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, was the first to report back. "Well" he said "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation".

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was now in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus... Hallelujah!"

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was now lying in a hospital bed. He was in a complete body cast with traction, with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it... circumcision probably wasn't the best way to start".

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person".

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled: "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted: "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently: "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile: "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"


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A little boy is waiting for his mum to come out of the changing room while he's out shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mother comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirts.


The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth 'down below'.

Time goes by, he is now 16 and has been dating this one girl for five or six weeks. One night, when her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After a few hours of making out and fooling around on the sofa, she whispers to him to go a bit further. What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she suggests, while pointing to her privates. HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there!" "No I don't" she responds. "Yes you do" he says. "My mum told me that all you females do!"

"No I don't" she insists. "Here, look for yourself". With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek at herself. "No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there".

"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says "Look, see, I don't have any teeth down there, do I?"

He replies "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised..."


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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature".

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said "It looks like you have seen a lot of action". "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action".

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself". The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am".

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955". The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch "I hope not; it's only 2130 now".


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Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs, phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'.

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Ping G25 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?

Concerned Golfer


Well its time for me to GTFO of here. Coincidentally its time for you to read on. All the questions you have are about to be answered...

-Check out the site archives. You risk a severe beating by not complying.
-Admittedly a hard pattern to work out, what with every update for the last 14 years being on the same day and all, but next update will be next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tie your kangroo down, sport [aaaaand molest it].
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't give anyone what they want. Ever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.06.05-18.08

Welcome to you got beef?

Not feeling much like winter at the moment. Sure, there's been an occasional touch of cool weather but right now we're nudging 25°C. Not bad for June and whilst everyone is really happy about that, what they don't like is the incredible poop disease still plaguing my insides. I'm extremely grateful that the fever and cramps have mostly gone; it'd just be nice to sit atop my throne and pass something with some consistency. And now, now that I've achieved a long-held goal of discussing my bowel movements with a large group of people, we can continue on with words about a relatively unremarkable week...

T'was a long weekend and as usual no one had any idea what the public holiday was for. Probably the Queen's Birthday of which she gets 4-5 a year. Bless her. Back to what I was saying though... unlike normal people I worked through the entire thing. Onsite first thing Friday because that's where every Friday starts. I did some stuff, then headed off to do more stuff, came back to the site and did stuff then headed home to do my real job which is essentially responsible for millions of masturbations every year. In between all that I got the flu jab which admittedly was almost less exciting than writing about it. Spent the rest of my afternoon catching up with paperwork, bills and whatever else had ended up in the 'needs urgent attention' pile that dated back to November and was also a casual way of mentioning I'm finally beginning to get on top of things.

One of the longest running sagas in this never-ending house build has been a small staircase. Had a very clear picture in my mind even before the house was designed of how it would look and have argued hard to make it happen. Took a monumental amount of research and discussion but got what I wanted and the result, so far, is outstanding. Right now it's up to making the treads... the bits you step on. After exploring everything from stone to glass to you name it, ultimately the most cost-effective [read: cheapest] way was timber and only really viable after sourcing directly from a guy who cuts the trees down and mills them himself. The good part is you end up with a beautiful product. The bad part is they need a crap load of work filling some very large holes before sanding and then polishing. So hole filling is how my Saturday began and after loading treads for both houses into the car, carting them over there, setting up trestles, masking up to prevent run off and mixing up quite a bit of epoxy filler, I was ready to get going. The next few hours were pumped into various tasks including brick laying, cutting a hole in a ceiling and running my network cables through the final wall cavity. Some Jack of all trades shit going down.

Home by mid-afternoon it was pretty much straight back out the door. One of the many places we have our stuff stored is in a friend's lounge room. She's in a reasonably large place by herself so has been cool storing a couple of couches, a bed, some boxes etc... until now. She's about to move somewhere smaller meaning we have to store it elsewhere. We went past to see how much there was and got talked into taking some of her furniture and even a PS3. Worked out well but absolutely no idea where its all going to go...

Sunday of course kicked off back at the stoopid house having a second crack with the epoxy filler. Made it home by 10 to get changed and head out with the GF for dim sum. Has been a long time between xiaolongbao's so was desperate to get in to the usual favourite place and demolish. Sadly though, the place is closed for renovations so had to try a different joint which was just 'okay'. In my mind, this is justification to start planning a trip to Hong Kong.

Begrudgingly slipped back into my work clothes upon returning home and even more begrudgingly drove back to the houses and kept working. This time doing waterproofing in confined spaces which is a ridiculously good way to get black tar shit all over you.

That night was our third anniversary. Fuck if I know where 3 years has gone. To celebrate [and escape a large not-our-family get together happening at home] we decided to head out for dinner. Destination Fremantle to a place I've been saying for years I wanted to try. On the way there we go past another restaurant that opened up last year. GF suggests going there, I'm reluctant because she has a knack for ALWAYS picking absolute fucking disasters. It's a running joke now but basically if you want a shithouse meal then ask her where she thinks will be good. Aaaaand hey presto what we that and oh so much less. Overpriced average food backed up with non-existent service and pretentious everything. If you look up predictions made by Nostradamus you will see that exact sequence of events. Not content with letting our anniv dinner fail or wanting to spend another cent there we hit eject and went to the place I originally wanted for dessert which was nothing short of stellar. The lesson here is you don't get fat by not knowing where to find delicious food...

If you guessed that Monday began back at the house dicking around with timber treads again then you would be 100% right. Hopefully that third round of filling is enough... to now flip them and start on the underside... and hopefully the undersides don't need three fillings. After finishing up there it was home to shower and begin working on this update which means I'm currently defying the laws of physics by smashing four days a week building a house and another four days a week in front of the PC.

Alright fuckers I think that's about enough of me dribbling. Prepare yourselves now for a brand spanking new update chock full of entertaining, low-gore videos, galleries out the ass, jokes, RS and a whole bunch of other stuff that will blow your fucking minds. True. Check it...

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Nerdgasm - Disastrous - Lil Predator - Punchifier - Good Advice - Clever - Braless - Perfection - Hot? Sick? - Fuck Me!!

Rhi's Nips - Sleeping BJ - Snaaap! - Hurt - Fapworthy - Bad Head - Bearded - Anti-Perv - No Gag! - Mindfucking

Old School - She's Handy - Suck Shit - Cum Slut - Epic Cans - F-ing Dogs - Hairy As - Liz Vicious - Nude Protest

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game. "Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through" said the first man, emphatically "Enough is enough". He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost. "Oh God" he said to his friend "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress". The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat". He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said "Small world!"
My flatmate called me gay when I complained that I'd cut myself shaving. "Gay?" I said "Look at the state of my leg!"
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland the class brat, gets up and says "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious". "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious". "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious!"
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again". To which the gentleman said "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


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-Order something simple like French fries when all your friends order full meals. Then, when everything comes, look jealously at your friend's burgers or whatever. Order one of your own. Five seconds later complain to the waitress that your friends are nearly done with their dinner and you haven't gotten your food yet.

-A table of four asks for their tab. You return to the table to find four plates of freshly stacked salad (which each patron has gathered from the COMPLIMENTARY salad bar) and what do they then do - ask for their 'left-overs' (eh-duh - like I'm that stupid you stingy, condescending losers) to be packed to go...

-Why, Oh why, when I am serving drinks at a booth and I put down a napkin, do customers move it? The napkin is there for me to place your drink down upon. DUH!! I can only reach so far into the booth to put your stupid drink down. I end up placing the drink in the exact spot the napkin was and I have even had customers ask "What's the napkin for?"

-You bring a customer their skinny cappuccino (usually accompanied with triple-layered, double-chocolate mousse cake) and they then argue that full-cream was used. So upon their request, you do it again (this time using full-cream milk), and they smile proudly usually with a comment like 'no-one can pull the wool over my eyes...'

-In a diner restaurant known for having 30 flavours of ice cream, ask about low fat and diet choices. When you get the diet ice cream, look covetously at other peoples' deserts and then complain to the waitress that the diet ice cream "doesn't taste as good as the regular ice cream".

-Bread and butter is served at every table. At least once a night a customer who has ordered a baked potato with their meal will call me back to the table "Excuse me miss, I need some butter for my potato". Okay you stupid jerk, I will go back to the fridge, get the same kind of dish that is already on your table, and fill it up with the same butter that is already on your table. OPEN YOUR EYES!

-Don't say that "I've got a plane to catch" Really? Is why you're in the airport with luggage in tow? They know that you're limited on time and they know that you're there to board a plane.

-I HATE customers who come in and order a soda with no ice. Okay, no problem. Five minutes later "Miss, can I have a side of ice please!" Okay, Big Spender, are you happy you got an extra ounce or two of soda? You will now get shitty service all night because I now know you are a miserable jerk and you are not worth fussing over because I have other customers who are worth my time.

-Don't leave your children on the floor to play! Don't leave them unattended either, we are not babysitters and are not responsible for them.

-As the waitress is walking away from your table after dropping off the bill, ask for separate cheques.

-You have to love when you ask your customers if they would like anything else, and of course the answer is no, until you bring the bill out! Then they want coffee, dessert, and to lounge in your station for a couple more hours!

-Sometimes tipping past 15% may be a good idea if you made or your kids a big mess, or if you run the server a lot. Servers don't like runners, they generally don't tip well, which isn't fair, not only to the server but the other customers that they're waiting on.

-People who insist they need a straw for their ice water. I just want to know if they use one at home too?

-If you see a server with a heavy tray, don't expect them to stop and help you, that tray is heavy and would hurt you if it fell on your head. Never attempt to take something off a tray, unless of course you want the rest of the tray on your head also. Carrying a tray is a balancing act, don't upset it.

-After adding the gratuity to a large party, somebody declares to you that they were going to leave more than 15%. Yeah right. You can always leave extra.

-My favourite customers are those who are so convinced the world revolves around them that they have the nerve to tug on my sleeve while I'm trying to talk to another table.

-As soon as the hostess seats you, wait for the server to come ask you if you would like something to drink. As she starts asking, refuse to look at her and grumpily bark "Coffee!!" and glare at her when she brings it to you.

-I'm puzzled when I approach a table and ask if anyone would care for a cocktail, people feel obligated to tell me their medical condition that forces them to decline. A simple "No, thank you" is all that's needed.

-Finish your drink 30 seconds after the waitress brings it to you and as she is rushing to another table catch her eye, raise your eyebrows patronisingly and point to your empty cup.

-There's a reason why I tell you medium rare is pink and bloody, I really don't want to take your steak back two or three times before it comes out the way you want it.

-If people are pissed off about the fact of tipping then just refuse to pay it. Little do they know that their measly little tips are what keeps them from paying exorbitant amounts for served food. If you don't tip then the restaurant has to pay someone at least minimum wage to serve your sorry ass a burger or whatever.

-At our restaurant you would get an all you can eat salad bar for $1.99 WITH a dinner order. The salad bar by itself was $4.49. Almost every night we would have to explain to people why one of them couldn't order the meal and the other have the $1.99 salad bar. Or why they couldn't share both the meal AND the salad bar.

-Did the sign outside say meeting hall? What makes you think its perfectly acceptable to meet your colleagues, long lost friends, perspective clients or any other business associate at a restaurant, order two coffees, ask for 14 refills, stay for three hours and then leave fifty cents because your bill only totalled $1.50? That booth you have occupied is MY office, I can't conduct business and earn an income if you are lounging around my office. If you want to rent the booth, leave $10!

-We usually had two soups to serve, but sometimes we would be running low on one and have to switch to a different one, and at those times we would give the customers a choice of the three. There was a woman on a very strict diet who sent me into the deep freeze 3 times to check different ingredients on all the soups... look, they are not homemade, they are brought by a supplier and the waitresses have no idea what the ingredients are!! If you are on that strict a diet, EAT AT HOME!

-I have never run into anyone as annoying as my friend. My favourite thing that he does is order things with "minimal onions" and then complain that they put hardly any onions in at all, as if that isn't what "minimal onions" would mean to the average person. I worry when I have lunch with him that one of these days someone is just going to shoot both of us.

-I work at a pizza place and my favourite is when a customer wants a low or no-fat pizza. Its pizza for fucks sake!

-After we've closed and all the doors but one are closed someone sticks their head around the door and asks "Are you closed?" I answer politely "I'm afraid we are" they snap back "Well what am I supposed to do now?" Love that shit!

-When I approach your table with food and call out what the item is, don't continue talking to the other people at the table (thereby ignoring me) or stare at me blankly. If your order were wrong, you wouldn't have a hard time remembering what you ordered - why can't you remember when I'm standing there holding a heavy tray, waiting for someone to claim their food?

-Compliment your server on how everything was just wonderful, including a well written comment card praising you... minus the tip of course!

-I hate when customers come for lunch at 11:30 a.m. and ask you which of the specials and or soups are good. When you tell them that you haven't tried them but the (whichever one you chose) looks good - they ask you why you haven't tried them? Am I giant fatty who eats everything on the menu the first hour that I'm there?

-Let your children take all the sugar packets out and tear them to shreds and offer no apologies, but comment on how rude you are by informing them that there are other people who will use them after they're finished 'playing' with them.

-Don't ever, ever, ever, EVER shake a glass of ice at me on Friday night when I just seated five new tables, and just refilled your drink five minutes ago.

-When taking a large group out to dinner on you, order one bottle of wine for a group of 8 or more people. Complain that you didn't get a full glass when the waitress pours two or three drops for each person to make it go around. Glare at the waitress when you realise you're going to have to order another bottle.

-When I tell you we have string beans, corn, zucchini and red cabbage, be sure to order the broccoli.

-When your food's taking a really long time, flag down your server and say "Are they killing the cow?" Never gets old. Ever.


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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except... and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing!" "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick'". "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet". He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door". The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy". He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick.

She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

She decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right...!! Voodoo dick, my ass!"


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A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour".

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager, naturally, is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... just then the husband walks in. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" he says.

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"


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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock".

When I asked him why, he said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then it said 'Oh shit', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, tripped over the coffee table, then farted"...


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A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could play.

"Sure" said the Pro "but what's your handicap?" Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16" said the businessman "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone...?"

"No, it's very important for us to know" said the pro who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman" said the Pro "his handicap is 16". The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left" said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was here with you!"

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right" says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again!" said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you shoot it?" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir" said the caddy "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here..."

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels".

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots". He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks". He did. "Now take off my skirt". He did. "Now take off my bra". Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

"Now" she said "take off my panties". He slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"


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An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes". "I'm not going to trust you" says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".

**POOF** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay, kid, what's your second wish". "My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams".

**POOF** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women".

**POOF** The Arab is turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.


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An extremely shy and very modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last one had left his digestive system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that the latest was another false alarm, so he stayed put in his bed. Suddenly, his bed filled with steaming diarrhoea and he was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked "What was that all about?" Still staring down at his feet, the drunk replied "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"


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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world". Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot.

So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.

Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!


Now that the update is pretty much over I just want you all to know a few things...

-Check out the site archives. Gratification guaranteed.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Not guaranteed.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will talk to your parents about your behaviour.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop whining. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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