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March 2003...
orsmupdate 2003.03.25-17.35
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Finally! A frickin update! Don't worry - I'm sure you'll agree it was worth the wait. What's my excuse this week? Well as you've all come to expect there's ALWAYS an excuse...!!

I decided I needed to format my computer due to it running like a big pile of shit and upgrade some stuff while I was at it. Started off as a good idea, good intentions and all that but as usual it turned into a typical fuck-fest [fuck-fest: time when i say fuck a lot] resulting in me being out of action for a few days. Add to that the 2 days previous which had been spent backing up thousands of files and the grand total was pushing 5 or 6 days.

Three reinstalls later I finally got everything fixed and working sweetly only to find the site unreachable which meant I couldnt update even if I wanted to. Apologies for the day and a half downtime - it was beyond our control. Anyways, all should sorted for the time being which means I can get on with whatever it is I do.

Probably not too much point dribbling on about the whole war thing. I'm a bit undecided about where I stand on the subject at the moment. Sad to see so many people being killed but as we are constantly reminded "that is to be expected in war". I guess if we sit on our hands and do nothing then who's to say it won't come back and bite us on the ass in years to come? I think I'd rather have it this way than take the chance.

My only war related fear now is that everyone has underestimated Sadam and his merry men. Could anyone be as defiant as he has without knowing something no one else does? I get the feeling that if he's put in a position where Baghdad is about to be taken he'll resort to nasty-measures and try and take as many people with him as he can. We'll have to wait and see I guess...

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By far the coolest thing to come out of this has been the coverage. The live footage of tanks and troops blazing across the desert toward Baghdad has been rivetting. It's amazing that we can sit at home in the comfort of our lounge rooms and almost be there as the invasion progresses.

Add to that the squillions of news sites around the world with stories on every possible aspect of the battle, updating pretty much in real time - it's practically impossible to not know what's going on. I'm probably not far off the mark in saying that we're approaching a time when news papers are becoming redundant - by the time the paper is in your lap you've already seen what happened on TV or read in on the net.

While I'm on the subject of [reality] TV I feel compelled to dish up my two cents on Joe Millionaire. I didn't watch any of the shows until the very last episode last week which was obviously a smart move - a bunch of catty bitches with fake boobs all back-stabbing eachother at every chance made it worse than Survivor. I've tried hard but I don't see what the point of the exercise was if they were just going to hand over a million big ones at the end. Doesn't it just defeat the purpose of crashing the chicks day knowing she'd actually hooked up with Joe Broke? Wouldn't it have been smarter to tell them they can have the million in 5 years time if they are still together? No idea what's happened since the show ended but I'm sure she would have ditched him if the money wasn't involved.

This little snippet came from Stile Project from a while back. Has to be one of the all time funniest clips I've ever heard. Click here to to get Bush Whacked!

What you will find here is possibly one of the cruelest things I've ever seen and also one of the funniest. How on earth would you recover from something like that?

While I think of it... can everyone please go and visit MentalErnie.org. Ernie beat me [although I don't think he did] in a mini contest to see who could do the biggest update. Next time one of these things comes up I'll actually try... hehe.

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Some of you guys may have read about the Nokia cat ad thats going around. First time I saw it I nearly wet myself laughing. I hate cats! Snivelling little bastards that only suck up when they want something... plus I'm allergic to them. Anyways here it is...

- Nokia Cat Ad -

I wish I could lay claim to having written the foillowing piece becasue it's truly brilliant [author unknown by the way!]. Just makes you wanna find some protestors and try it out...

With all of this talk of impending war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001, and those who support terror. These activists may be alone or in a gathering... most of us don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas. They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.
2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.
3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.
4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.
5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.
6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder. Square in the nose.
7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.
8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost.

We owe our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must support them and our leaders at times like these. We have no choice. We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the nose. Lesson over, class dismissed!

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Read out loud:

Quotes: Steven Wright - Quotes: Jack Handy - The Work Poo - True Or False - Yes & No

Champage Enema - Animated Flash Chicks - Bend Over Bin Laden - FBI Spy Tactics - Hardcore Puppets

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Think that's enough dribbling and whatever. Time to get this update cranking me thinks and what better way to do it than with a tasty sensation...

Sensation - Sensation - Sensation - Sensation - Sensation - Sensation - Sensation - Sensation

Sensation - Sensation - Sensation - Sensation - Sensation - Sensation - Sensation - Sensation

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of beer that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the beer aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the beer is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the beer, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the beer down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of beer sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy ALL DAY LONG, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"


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Newbie Nudes - Drizunk - Pato Pato - Em Rocka - Project Death - Dont Mess Around - Choke Your Heart - The Rut

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed.He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking.He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered are to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favourite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?". "They're for the funeral"

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A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth is agape.

"That was beautiful," said the dad. The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole.

The son says "damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt." After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. "Maybe I'll really get into this next drive." Having the honors, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup." The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb.

"Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

Age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time.


When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper.


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Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna

Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.


farbod wrote:
Subject: the new war
good day mr. orsm. I would like to thank you for maintaining the best web site on the net. I would like to contribute to the site in my own way. attached you will find pictures taken by the aljazeera network in Iraq of the casualty of an unnecessary war. this is something that CNN will not dare to show you, and i cannot think of another site worthy of, to show what Hippocrates Americans are. Ignorant, trigger happy fools, led by the idiot of the century. I hope that these pictures would open up some eyes to this war, and i hope people would realize that just cause its being shown on TV, that its not real. Innocent people are dying by the hands of the american and someone has to do something about it. (heck, americans are dying by the hands of americans by the high number of so-called "accidents".) Sincerely, Frank. Toronto Ont. Canada. Peace, all da way to the middle east.

Iraq: Images Of War - Iraq: Images Of War - Iraq: Images Of War - Iraq: Images Of War - Iraq: Images Of War

Iraq: Images Of War - Iraq: Images Of War - Iraq: Images Of War - Iraq: Images Of War - Iraq: Images Of War

Iraq: Images Of War - Iraq: Images Of War - Iraq: Images Of War - Iraq: Images Of War

Whilst I agree that the above images, if they're real, are not pleasant, I think I was much more disturbed with what I found here. -Orsm.

Sarah wrote:
Subject: Loser
This dude got ripped at a superbowl party I threw a couple years back. I never liked him but he was part of the crowd I had to invite. I took these pics after he was found in an alley behind the poolhouse. We think he wanted to skinnydip and probably would have drowned if he had managed to fall in the fucking pool. I hope you can use them !!!

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Ben Downes wrote:
Subject: oi you aussie twat!

Don't slag our sport off…wait until we come over for the Rugby World Cup and kick your sad convict arses….if you really want a battle why don't you try and declare war on us!! Hey, give that a bash why don't you, I bet we'd kick your sad prison dwelling arses right back to that dried up place you call home! p.s. there a bar job waiting here for you when you go traveling – which reminds me why are there so many of you round the world, something wrong with your country!

Adam Scurry wrote:
Yes, very funny, very ammusing, but just one small question - how many times in a row have we beaten you at rugby now? Is it 3? I think it's 3. Let's just wait and see what happens at the world cup.

I don't get why you people are bringing up rugby when everyone is talking about cricket...? Time to face facts - we are MUCH better than you. Whilst we're on the subject I wanna know whats happened to all you Kiwi's and South African's that emailed me before the World Cup saying how badly you were going to beat us? What the fuck happened to you all? Are you guys all okay? I just wan't to know you are okay! It went from a barrage of emails gloating at your impending victory to dead silence. By the way, did you all happen to notice that WE WON THE WORLD CUP WITHOUT LOSING A MATCH!!?! -Orsm.

Lil Playboy wrote:
Subject: Check this out!
Here is a series of pics form this girl I had screw her self with a cucumber when I was on house arrest. The internet is an amzing thing. I also wanted to add that I love the site, there is nothing better than sick humor and porn all in one stop. Its like a mans Meijer's on the net!!

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Birmingham wrote:
Subject: student protests
hey mate firstly I'd just like to say that you site kicks ass. The design the content the speed etc. But your little bit on student protests pissed me off a tad. Firstly I should explain the position from which I'm coming, I'm a West Australian law arts student (majoring in politics) and I was at this protest. Secondly I have to say that I am extremely opposed to the war on Iraq, for a number of reason which I'm not going to go into because I can't be fucked explaining them all (if you want me to email me back and I will but I think that you are probably against the war anyway). I think your comments on the kid were a bit off, if they were just keen to get off school for a day they would not have marched and then sat in the middle of the terrace in 35+ degree heat for over an hour, they would have simply fucked off the timezone or something like that. Furthermore I think that the comments relating to the flag are a bit off, the reason the Australian army have fought is not for the flag per se, but for the country, so that we as a people have a right to express our political freedom, and if this includes burning a flag then I don't see how that is a crime. Particularly when it is burnt in protest against the government ( not the army or veterans), in protest over support for a war which over 60% of Australians don't want to happen. I can see how some people would see the burning of a flag as an attack on Australia but that is not the way it was intended. Everyone in Australia has the right to protest and burning a flag is merely a way of expressing disgust for the actions of a country, not an attack on the history of that country. Personally at the moment I'm not feeling very patriotic at all, in fact I'm fucking embarrassed, embarrassed that the Australian Govt doesn't have the balls to tell Bush where to stick his fucking war.

Paul Harley wrote:
Subject: <no subject>
re your little rant about the schoolies marching in protest against the prospect of war in Iraq. It's a bit rich for you to go calling them uneducated and juvenile, then come out with a statement like; "and if I had of been there I'd have belted the little fucks" It should, of course, have read "if I had HAVE been there". Or even "if I had been there" is acceptable. I knew that in primary school, and a friend of mine who is a primary school teacher wouldn't accept that from her year 5 class. But if you were educated, you should have known that.

My 'uneducated' comment was in reference to the protesters lack of knowlegde on the subject as opposed to their sub-standard vocabulary skills. Cheers for the heads up anyways - I'll pay more attantion next time! - Orsm.

Druid Fox wrote:
Suject: RE: Michael Jackson Pics
Now, to the dick that sent in the pics of Wacko Jacko stating that they prove he's a kid fucker, I am in no way a Jacko Supporter, but when I read what you emailed and saw the pics, I had to agree why no magazine would buy them off you!!!

A couple of years ago a band named 3T (I think) came out and Jacko did the harmonies for them. The "boys" in the pics are the band and Sare also Michael Jackson's NEPHEWS!!!! If you want to point the finger at kid fuckers, get ya facts true, otherwise people will start attacking innocent (but in Jacko's case, STRANGE) people due to the words of confused people such as yourself.

Had a few similar emails to this one confirming that the people pictured are indeed the members of 3T. I think it's safe to say that MJ still only fiddles with kids behind closed doors. -Orsm.

Adrian wrote:
Subject: Not For The Faint Hearted
This is a picture of a nasty accident in NZ recently. (Those who cannot stomach accident photos should open file at your own risk!) A young girl was cycling along Victoria Ave and was hit head-on by a jeep. Saddest part is that nobody did anything to help this girl. Everybody just looked but one guy did take a picture as evidence for the police. My friend actually saw this when he was going home from the city. He managed to send me this photo. He did not do anything to help because it was too much to look at. I hope there is a lesson to be learned from this. We should always help people in need.

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Erik Asker wrote:
Subject: the truth of Assassin.
Assassin derives from the persian hashshashin,(speling is obviously wrong I'm swedish and have no idea how persian should be translated into english and from arabic to latin signs) witch reffers to the devoted and military members of the extreme shiitic sect nizari-ismailiya (1090-1256) famous for three things: 1 murder. 2 smoking the herb. and 3 they were the only group in the orient that did not yield to the Mongols and survived to tell about it. They were popularily called haschishsmokers ,hashashashins, by the Syrans who lived with the crusaders. The crusaders in turn soon came to connect that name with outher activities - thus, assasin, assasinate, and so on.

Huh? -Orsm.

Jonathan wrote:
Subject: Snow
I heard you talking about how hot it is where you are. It's winter here in Roanoke, Va USA. We have had day after day of snow where I live. I haven't seen grass in like a month. This is the most snow we've gotten in a year since 106 years ago. Anyway, after reading your post about how hot you've been, I went outside and made this pic for you to help keep you cool. It took quite a bit of piss to make the lettering this thick, but afterall I was piss letter champion in tenth grade. I guess that had to pay off someday.

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Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I'd say you must be French!".

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A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realise they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.

Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

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Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A Circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

SH SH SH.... HE-LA!!??

There's some fucked up people in this world. People that either were severely beaten as children or should have been severely beaten as children. Take you pick with this one...

Sheila - Sheila - Sheila - Sheila - Sheila - Sheila - Sheila - Sheila - Sheila

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people show up for the tryout. One is a handsome lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it — this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth drops to the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies, "Absolutely, just get that friggin' lion out of the way."

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A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender - "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is a blonde, the bouncer is a blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in NSW with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies "I did, they were in your tackle box."

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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another was a cowboy on his way to Billings, Montana for a stock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once, my people were many... now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few", he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet..."

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There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and a reporter from the local newspaper was assigned. The reporter told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin ladies.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "He said, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again -- "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD, BOTH OF US?

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Jon takes his dog for a walk. After a while he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.

"Whose dog is tied up out front?" Jon responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?" "Well she's in heat," says the cop. "Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there." "That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred." "I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."

At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed." "Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

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There's a number of things that retards should be prevented from doing. Playing with big toys is near the top of the list and the following examples are proof why...

Oops! - Oops! - Oops! - Oops! - Oops! - Oops! - Oops! - Oops! - Oops!

Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy, the Irishman, felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at dat," says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."


A man meets a beautiful blonde and decides he wants to marry her right away. She tells him they don't know anything about each other. He tells her that it's fine... they can learn about each other as they go along. She consents, they marry... then leave for their honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning as they are lying by the pool, he gets up from his towel. He climbs the 10 meter board and fluidly performs a two and a half tuck gainer followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, then straightens out and cuts the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he comes back and eases back on his towel.

Very excited, she says, "That was incredible!" I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he says. "You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." The blonde gets up, jumps in the pool, and starts doing laps. After about fifty laps, she climbs back out and lays down on her towel, hardly out of breath.

Very excited, he says, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" No," she answers. "I was a hooker in El Paso, Texas, and I worked both sides of the river."


Random Shite. Thus named because stinky-winky-poopy-doozle-doop-bloppy-pop was already taken... honestly! Random Shite viewer can be found here too.

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde."Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it!" She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container... "To apply, push up bottom."

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I reckon that's all I'm good for this week. As always I hope I've managed to distract you from doing what you are supposed to be doing and broken up some of the drudgery of the work day. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and if you're bored - drop me an email! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2003.03.10-20.02

Some of you may have noticed some Orsm.net down time and for this I apologise but it's all been for the best I swear. Its all actually for the same reason there hasn't been an update for the last few weeks.

I've finally taken the plunge and moved the site on to my own servers - no more renting someone elses. Now if something fucks up I have only myself to blame. The best part of this whole move is that the site now runs off 3 times the bandwidth, 2 servers instead of 1 and they are way more powerful than the previous one so the whole downtime thing should be a non-issue in future. If you're interested you can read about the server build here [with pictures].

I'm glad that they're finally up and running. Beyond glad! It's been a long few weeks and I dont think I've ever racked up as many hours sitting in front of a computer as I have done from late January through until now. Scary. Even scarier is that I can see most of the year going the same way. It's been a stressfull little exercise.

This probably goes a long way to explaining my headaches too. The combination of minimal sleep coupled with high stress levels has had a few side-effects. The head aches have actually become less severe but in their place I seem to have been granted blury vision occasionally which peaked on Friday. I raced off to get my eyes checked that day and thankfully the result came back as 'all okay'. The blury vision is apparently due to my eyes being tired - not enough sleep and anything up to 18 hours a day staring blankly into a computer screen. Do I need glasses? According to the optomertrist not essential but recommended for when I am using the computer.

Thankyou to everyone who emailed me with suggestions on how to cure the headaches. I received over 100 emails with dozens of ways to stop them. Apols for not getting back to any of you - it would have taken forever to write individual replies. I also got asked to post any pertinent info for other headache sufferers so here's some of the better emails I got.

I swore I to myself I wasn't going to pass comment on anything remotely political for the time being due to some of the emails I've had but I can't help myself. Peace protesters and in particular the Aussie school kids who marched all around the nation last week are the gripe. Before I go on I should point out that whether I do or don't think there should be an attack on Iraq is irrelevant here. Anyways, as I watched all these mostly moronic school kiddies marching it struck me that if in high school I had the chance to go protesting and scam out of school for a day I would've jumped at the chance no matter what it was. I'm not saying that every kid who marched was only out for a day off but I bet any money most of them were. Seeing the poorly formed, uneducated responses by teenagers who obviously have little-to-no understanding of the problem at hand made me feel embarrassed - not only for them but as an Australian. The idea that these images would be broadcast around the world was equally horrifying.

Further to that I was appalled to see them burning the Aussie flag. I reckon it's a huge slap in the face for everyone who's fought in wars well before most of them were even born and also to those serving our country as I write this. What makes them think they have the right? Was it something cool that they saw on TV that happened in the 70's? Did they just wanna get on the news? It's juvenile shit and if I had of been there I'd have belted the little fucks. The older I get the more it is apparent that this country is not patriotic enough and it's obviously getting worse.

The same goes for the nude protests. I mean I like seeing naked people [people = chicks] as much as the next guy but I simply cannot imagine, in any reality, that George Bush, Tony Blair or John Howard would sit in their offices saying to themselves "well we better not go to war because people are getting naked".

Don't get me wrong here - I'm all for protesting [except when the Save The Forests hippies do it] so long as the people making their point actually believe in what they're saying and arent just up for a day off school. Same for naked protesting - sure people may watch the news story with great interest but thats because they wanna see some tits.

Think you guys will like this. Britney Spears and Anna Kournikova in a tasty lesbian sex romp. Yes folks there is a God. Check it out at BritneyDoesAnna.com...

Advice Asshole returns this week and in fine form too. He's the man with the answers and here to serve you! Read his very latest here.

Dust Mites - Suprise Egg - Find Your Birth Year Playmate - Pull-O-Metre - Freacky Psychic Flash - The J20 Challenge

Mars Attacks - Interactive Naked Flash - Master Marc - Pr0n-tings - If You Are On Fire Do Not Run - Tha Internet

The French have now banned fireworks displays at Euro Disney. Reason: after last evenings fireworks display the soldiers at a nearby French army garrison surrendered.


Paul is 40 years old and lives in England, one of the world's poorest sporting countries. This once proud nation has fallen to un-imaginable lows, well below anything that you or I could understand. Almost on a daily basis these people refer to sporting achievements that occurred nearly forty years ago, we cannot allow this to continue.

There are hundreds of thousands of people like Paul waiting to finally support an England team that will win. If you want to help improve the life of a person like Paul become an England Supporter Sponsor. As an England Supporter Sponsor, you will receive a photo and details of the poor unfortunate England supporter you are sponsoring.

We are dedicated to improving the quality of life of the world's poorest sporting nation. When you sponsor an England Supporter, the effects of your kindness spread across the whole community. You will provide life's essentials like a decent cricket team, a basic Olympic team, a consistent soccer team, a netball team, non-choking tennis players, and a rugby team that can win the games that count.

However this will not be a short process, lets face it most of us will be dead before England have a team to be proud of, but we must try.

You can start sponsoring an England Supporter today by completing an application. If you do, you will be linked with an England Supporter instantly. There are hundreds of thousands of them out there suffering today more than we will ever know. We'd like to link you with an England supporter living near you so that they can learn from your example and if you wish you may specify a preference to sponsor a cricket or a soccer supporter, as these are the ones in the greatest need.

Please think about this request thoughtfully, remember all the great sporting achievements you have witnessed in your life time, many of these England supports cannot remember one, just the taste of bitter defeat.

This is your opportunity to make a difference in the world, please don't ignore their plight. Just be thankful that your relatives tried to steal a loaf of bread once.

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A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied. "Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.

"I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill." "That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?" "I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately. "I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?" "Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

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A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?", the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?", her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."

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Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads

Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads - Ads


Every year, Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. And every year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year, Martha would reply, "I know Stumpy, but that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that there airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not utter one sound or word, I won't charge you. But, if you make one sound, it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives but not a sound was heard. He even did a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground but still not a sound.

They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy. "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out but you didn't."

Stumpy replied "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out... but ten dollars is ten dollars!"

Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina

Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina

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Drunk & Disorderly - Retardeder - Web Shite - Messed Up - Humour Bomb - Brain Damaged - Alco Buds

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire. The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner? The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over.

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start. The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit… third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story… Don't mess with us old folks... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

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There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque."


I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "What??"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a "Woman."

I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realise that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. The very next day we went shopping at a big department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.

And then we go to the jewellery deptartment where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register," I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, " No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during spring 2005.

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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news, he said, "Edna I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the live of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon did you say I can go home?"

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Absolutely phenomenal amounts of email coming through from you guys lately. Read it all, love it all. If you've got something you wanna say or share then drop me a line here.

Ron Arnone wrote:
Subject: Michael Jackson
Ok, this is no joke, do not ask me where I got these photos of Michael Jackson, These are untouched proof sheets. Do not try to sell them to the tabloids, I already tried that and they are pretty much scared to touch them because I don't own the copyright. The best thing we can do is send them all around the world for people to see that Michael Jackson is a pedophile.

I don't see how a few unseen pictures of MJ with a couple 'Queer As Folk' rejects makes him a kiddie fiddler. Gayer than gay sex maybe but this doesnt cut it as proof that he is a rock spider. -Orsm.

Japanese Girfriend wrote:
Mr Orsm, It may astound you that a government department is actually getting away with doing a mastercard parody RIGHT HERE IN AUSTRALIA. Brisbane city council's official website has one here & here. sucks how brisbane council can do it, but you can't.

I just isn't fair sometimes... -Orsm.

Andrew wrote:
Thought you might get a chuckle out of this. This bloke (Pete) spent ages doing up this Landcruiser, then on his first trip away (Alice Springs) in it he does this to it !!!

Ron Daniels wrote:
Subject: Uni
Hey Mr. Orsm. How you doing? The week before I went back to uni I got this invoice charging me $50 for something that I had no idea about. On the back of it was some crap and a website. So I followed it up to see what I had to pay this money for. It turns out it's the compulsory guild fees. I have to pay $100 bucks this year to those sons of bitches. As if I have money!!! How fucked is that? I can't friggen stand this thieving labor government. They're wankers. What do you think?

Welcome to the real world where you start to realise that once you leave the nest you've been sheltered in for the last 18 or so years every bastard really is just out to take a piece of you. -Orsm.

Shell wrote:
Subject: Farewell
As you may know I will be heading off soon. I have decided that it is time for a complete career change in my life. I recently joined the Red Cross as a volunteer and I will be spending most of my time at field hospital with other volunteers. I will be starting on March 15, 2003 and it is with great, excitement and anticipation that I say Goodbye to all of you. I am really looking forward to this new challenge in my life and believe that this will be a very rewarding experience. My future co-workers have sent me a picture to welcome me on their crew.
ian riley wrote:
Subject: hooker
gidday orsm, we love your site and look forward to updates.here is a photo of a pro from melbourne and her pommy boyfriend.they r a great couple the do well at ripping people off!!!!!!! her name is jan his is pommy bastard!!!!!! hope u can use it all the best and i love mossman park all the best and get rid of the poms. the pommy hater

Paul Donovan wrote:
Subject: Stuff
since you have recently bought a puppy as well, and you got such a good response when you were having troubles, any chance you could put a little post up for me. I have a 13 week old Staffy and a 15 week old Lab who have bin together since birth, except they fight like little buggers. It is just play fighting and shit, but it gets a bit carried away sometimes when the Lab uses its size to beat up on the staffy, this gets the staffy pissed off and she full goes the lab. It's nothing major, but I'm worried that one day when the staffy get's bigger it is going to get really pissed off with the Lab and totally maul the bitch. As we know Lab's aren't exactly made for fighting so if she takes things to far she may bite of more than she can chew. Oh, and if you do post something can you not put up this email address. Instead use kahless1@rocketmail.com.

William Olivarez wrote:
Subject: Picture
Mr. Orsm, I read your site religiously so I felt I had to do my part. I couln't convince my wife to let me send her pictures in so I figured this picture would do. It's an oriental restraunt in Portland Oregon.

Tim Nicholls wrote:
Subject: Canberra Bushfires
Heres a pic with the parliament house at 10am, 2pm and 3pm on the day the bushfires hit Canberra. Thought people might like to see it. It was weird that day, I had been out the night before and when I woke up at 3 in the afternoon it was dark outside and I thought to myself, did I sleep for that long? But sadly I didn't.

click to enlarge

Soccer NZ today rejected a request from the FA for an England v NZ friendly to be played in the NZ winter, saying the game would likely be 'hardly worth it' following lowly England's recent loss to a second-string Australia side.

"We'd have to make entry to the game free to attract a crowd to see a low-calibre side like England, and the takings from the raffles and sausage-sizzle probably wouldn't be enough to cover the cost of the hot water for the showers, especially when you look at how many bloody players they have" said Soccer NZ Chairman Bill Franklin from his offices at the Poenamo Pub today.

"It's a bit of shame", added Franklin "cause it looks like they've got some decent young blokes in their team, and developing soccer nations like England need exposure to high-standard opponents like the Oceania teams. But if they can't beat Australia, who we've been using as a practice team over the last few seasons, then they can piss off."

New Zealand All-Whites captain Harry Ngata echoed the Chairman's concerns, and although thought England could take heart from their recent result, doubted many of the NZ players could get time off from milking cows to play the game, and also noted that the game would probably be 'smack in the middle of lambing season'.

"We're probably better off just concentrating on our upcoming match with Tonga'', Ngata said. Meanwhile Australia coach Frank Farina has come under fire at home about the disappointing 3-1 result. He today dismissed criticism regarding his reluctance to pick 'proper Aussies' for the England match as 'bloody bullshit', instead claiming that the European-based players need a chance to prove themselves too.

Farina hit back at top NSL clubs, Wollongong Wolves and Brisbane Stars who were reluctant to release their top players for the international claiming the match was 'farcical', and insisting that they were better off retaining their top players for the upcoming matches with league high-flyers, the Auckland-based Soccer KiNgZ. In some cases clubs were seeking multi-hundred dollar payouts to release the players for the match dubiously billed as an 'international', recognising that England is not really a proper country anyway, just a principality like Wales.

"I'm glad we didn't pull all the blokes from the NSL (National Soccer League) over there, it could have been an absolute bloody embarrassment. We could have been lookin' at 6- or 8-nil if we'd had our Australia-based players, and that's no good for anyone said Farina."

"Plus with the cost of the flights, it would have been a waste of bloody money." Farina's frustration was evident, noting that England coach Sven Goran Eriksson wouldn't even buy him a beer after the match, despite his €2m a year pay-packet. 'Swedish wanker' Farina was heard to have uttered.

Farina was said to be happy with the way the second-stringers performed, but insisted they were still 'a bunch of bloody poofters who should be playin' a proper game like Aussie Rules or League.'

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

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Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny's Dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Little Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses."

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A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap!

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house!!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house!" "I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathised the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers."

Then the mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?" So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mouse trap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are ALL at risk.


A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."


1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet inthe house when I am about to be sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no matter how good they smell.
9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them after processing, in the back yard.
11. The nappy bin is not a cookie jar.
12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they want me to have one, they'll get me one.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so thatwhen I throw up, my people will not assume I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down onrainy days.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.
22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing after getting a bath.
23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way to greet visitors.
24. I will not hump on any human leg, no matter how attractive.
25. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow next to their heads.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. I will not consider the toilet bowl a magical, never-ending water supply, in spite of clear evidence that it is.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is here.
29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided. Except when in-laws are here.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
31. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be back and I'll have another shot at him.


A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can't wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station. "Honey!" he says, "you're not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it's so great. When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear. When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck. When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck" he excitedly tells his wife.

Triumphantly he says, We're going to do the same thing for our sex life! When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked. When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed. When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let's give a test run. OK, ready? "Bell #1!" (they strip naked) Bell #2!" (they hop into bed) "Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out) a couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!"

The husband confused says, "Bell #4, What's that?" The wife screams "More hose! More hose! Your're not reaching the fire!!!"

Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill
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There was a monkey in the jungle, and one day he got a bit bored of eating berries, nuts and bananas with his hands. Being the intelligent monkey he was he set about making a tool that he could use. He found a stick and sharpened it into a point - he called it his one-point tool.

Now, while the one-point tool was very useful at cutting things, he decided he could use another kind of tool to pick food up so he found some more sticks and bound them together and used his one-point tool to sharpen the points. When he finished he had a four-point tool.

He was so proud of his work that he ran around the jungle showing all the animals his tools, and they were all suitably impressed. The jaguar seemed particularly interested in his tools.

That night, when it was very dark, the jaguar crept up to the monkey's tools and chomped the four-point tool into little pieces, and ran away.

The next morning, when the monkey saw what had happened he was so distraught and upset. The animals told him it was the jaguar and when he found the jaguar he said "I worked so hard on that four-point tool, it took me days to make it. Why did you eat it?"

And the jaguar looked up and said... "Didn't you know? I'm a four-point tool eater jaguar."

These lovely ladies aren't really my cup of tea but I'm sure that some of you guy's are into these sort of women...

Big Bitches - Big Bitches - Big Bitches - Big Bitches - Big Bitches - Big Bitches

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One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt. He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle." The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "And if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!"

Random Shite contiunes again this week with oodles and oodles of the stinky stuff. Check it out...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

Harry and Rita had been married for forty years. Harry tells Rita: "The two best days in my life were the day I married you and the day I became president of the country club. I want you to know that I have been faithful to you every day of our marriage." Rita hesitated and then confessed that she had not been altogether faithful to Harry during the marriage. "How many times?" Harry asked. "Three," she said.

"The first time was thirty years ago when the business was foundering and the bank was going to foreclose on our house." She paid a visit to the loan officer and averted the foreclosure. "Your method was regrettable," Harry said, "but I appreciate your good intentions."

"The second time was when you needed open heart surgery and the surgeon demanded $20,000 before he would perform the surgery." Harry said he understood, but wished she had handled it differently. "The third time," Rita said "was when you were running for president of the club and you were forty votes short..."

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Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari


A competition was held to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared second place finisher.

Nearly four hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and collapsed in front of worried onlookers. When reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser or anything, but I think those two other girls were using their arms".

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That's all I got for this update. Probably one of the bigger ones I've posted for a while so I hope you all enjoyed it! There's a slight chance that certain things will be offline over the next week or two whilst we finish setting everything up so please be patient. Aside from that if there's anything else around the site that you see broken please drop me an email so I can fix it!

Next update? Hopefully next week but as always - no promises! Until next time be good, stay off the chems and make sure you send you sister over here! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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