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May 2001...
orsmupdate 2001.05.31-23.53

Wanna know how to make my day? The first thing that springs to mind is you guys surfing and enjoying my site. The second is getting the nearest writing implement you can find and scrawling the word 'ORSM' across some part of your body [preferably naked body] and sending me the pics like this fine chickadee here has...

Great set of breasts if you ask me. God bless this young lady for doing what she has done. She's done me proud.

Rabbit or a Duck?


Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42pm last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "pinkie," as he was known to his friends and relatives, was alone at his death.

IWANGF - Class or Sex - Little Effect - Bonrop

Enjoy. Mr. Orsm

orsmupdate 2001.05.30-15.13

It's been an exciting few days. I'm still at home sick and I really haven't done too much. I noticed that my site counter finally passed the 1 million hits mark so I'm pretty happy about that. I have to admit though that it's probably not a true indication because it runs on the Priceless Page and on this page aswell. What does all this mean for you guys? Absolutely fuck all but I really am the sharing type so there ya go. Anyways not too bad for a site that started in July/August 2000 in my opinion.

This is fuckin funny. It's quite long but well worth the read...


Notes from An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's After Burner Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh1t-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, am it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the Cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh1t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh1t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?

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As promised, It's time now to continue with the Orsm Boob Tribute. To be honest, most of the ones in these pics are pretty bad. My goal now is to make up for my sins and post a gallery of chicks with good breats only. Stay tuned.

Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies

Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies

Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies

Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies

Last time I updated I posted an email that the very spunky Miss K had CC'd to me after writing to Jack Dickerson. JD was the sender of an email to me that basically said everyone except for Americans were losers. There was obviously a few more emails exchanged between the two of em and then I recieved the following email from the culprit who started it all in the first place...

Jack Dickerson wrote:

Dear Sir,

I would like to clear the air on behalf of myself and several embarrassed Americans. To start off, I am the REAL Jack Dickerson. The fucking idiot who has posed as myself, is none other than my dumbass roommate, Matt Lassiter.

I have just come back from vacation to find the little trouser snake typing on my computer and using my email access. This in part because he's too stupid to set up his own account.

I have read what this idiot wrote for you to post on your site. And quite frankly, I would be pretty pissed off myself. Now, I know what many of you are thinking. Either I'm a punk who can't take the heat from his actions, a split personality, or I am one who has an identity crisis. Let me assure all of you that I am of sound mind and body.

I have discovered that my dear friend Matt has had an email war with Kristi from Canada. That is why she is Cc'd in on this message. I am sure that he has pissed off many people from Canada, Australia and Britain.

On behalf of myself and all of the real people out there, I have taken it upon myself to slap the living shit out of Matt and have put a password lock on my computer.

To our allies and friends in Canada, Britain and Australia, and especially, Kristi. Please let me apologize for this arrogant ass and his remarks. I totally agree with what Kristi said..."Money is for assholes, guns are for assholes" Well said, Kristi!

Matt, is an Asshole who doesn't know what the hell he's talking about! Real people like myself, the REAL Jack, don't bitch and complain to other people about America's problems. And, we don't blame other people and other countries for those problems. I myself try to do the right and honorable thing by trying to vote the assholes out of office that cause the problems in the first place.

Again, please let me apologize for this idiot's remarks. I know many of you may not believe what I am telling you. That is your right and prerogative. I only hope that some of you believe what I say. I only want to defend myself from future email wars. I don't want to go up against half of the entire free world. And should I ever visit one of your fine countries, I do not wish to be shot on sight! I would much rather raise some hell and drink a Guiness with many of you!As for Mr. Lassiter, I have treated him like the child that he is and have some other things planned for him. Let it be known that once he does have his own email account, I will be happy to forward it anyone who wants it! And yes, Kristi, you can have the first crack at him!Thank you for your time and please post this message.


"The Real-Deal" Jack Dickerson

P.S. Don't worry, Kristi, I am not a member of the K.K.K.!

Hmmmm... what do you guys think? Do you buy the storey? Discuss it in the forum or email me.

Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2001.05.29-6.37

This more often update thing isn't turning out to be so bad after all. Usually when I update it would take me a few days to get everything sorted and do a massive big update all at once. Anyways, I've been sick as fuck for the last few days and I aren't too happy about it. Not only have I been just about coughing up a lung every few minutes and suffering through nice big bad head aches but I seem to have completely fuct my sleeping patterns. Thus, tonite is the nite I try to pull an all-nighter and stay awake for 36 or so hours so I can get back to waking up when I am supposed to. That's enough whinging for the moment I think - on with the update... I got this email sent to me from the very spunky Kristi. It was actually sent to everyone's new mate Jack Dickerson but I was lucky enough to have a copy CC'd to me and I thought you guys may enjoy it too.

Kristi Leitch wrote:
Subject: You and Orsm...

Dear sir...For that sake of yourself, and your children....Pull your head out of you ass, clean the shit out of you ears, and take a look around. Is it any wonder that American travelers who have any sort of travel-savvy masquerade as Canadians; wearing that pretty little Canadian flag on their back-pack or lapels? Because there are more than just a few countries who are overly rude to, will not serve, or will just plain shoot a blathering, self-indulgent, conceited, asshole American on site. Your little sermon to Orsm was just a small testament to the fact that you are too busy trumpeting your own horn to realize that everybody who really matters, (ie. REAL people, not politicians), are laughing their ASSES off at you. Money means nothing, guns mean nothing. An asshole with money, is still an asshole. Cheers, moron.K.ps: Canuck is spelt with a "C", ya dork.pps: The only people who actually say "eh" at the end of a sentence, are Americans who think that they are oh-so-witty.

Time to post some vids I think...

- Titty Fuck - Rough Fisting -

... and as promised last time I updated, one of the most vile, disgusting and most wrong vids I have come across.

- Suck His Own -

It's got me fucked why on earth anyone would want to do that. The only question that has to be asked is does he spit or does he swallow...??

- 50 sites that are guaranteed to expand your mind -

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.


I was going to post the rest of the Orsm Boob Tribute pics but I'll leave it until later in the week. On that note - I'm outta here. Take care. Be good. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2001.05.27-17.56

I had a bit of spare time to kill so I thought it would be nice to fill some of the requests for Mp3's that land in my email on a daily basis. There's a smidge over 20 new ones so head over to the Mp3 Downloads page and enlighten yourself thanks to the fine people at Funyon.com. Have also been bombarded with email in regards to what Jack Dickerson had to say for himself and thus far there hasn't been too much supporting his cause. I'll prolly post some of your responses during the week. You can have your say here. Sometimes you come across a chick that you would consider the perfect 10. Yeah I know it's rare but I think that this little chickadee is as close as you can get. I just about had to call for the mop and bucket to clean myself up after looking at her pics!

Vibe - Vibe - Vibe - Vibe - Vibe - Vibe - Vibe

Vibe - Vibe - Vibe - Vibe - Vibe

On that note I'm off to get some sleep. While I think of it, I've got another absolutely fucked up vid prime to post that I know you guys are gunna love. Stay Tuned.

- 50 of the best sites on the net! -

Take care people. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2001.05.22-19.09

This little beauty landed in my email a few days ago. Only just read it for the first time and fuck me if this guy isn't on some sort of power trip...

Jack Dickerson wrote:
Subject: One pissed off Yank!

Dear Sir,

First, let me be so bold as to say that I enjoy your site immensely. In regards to the emails sent from our friends North of Border and in the UK and Australia, let me simply say...KISS MY YANK ASS!

Being a red-blooded American citizen, I am offended by many of the remarks offered by all of you Limeys, Aussies and Kanucks. Now, I do not claim that the U.S. is perfect. Nor, are it's citizens and especially it's politicians! But honestly, when the world has a crisis, be it financial, political, or militarily; who does the world cry to help for? The U.S.! I for one am tired of my country being the world's police officer and banker!

Now I do respect the fact that you all have a right to speak your mind. After all, one of the basic things that we Americans enjoy is the freedom of speech. But please! Don't be a horse's arse! You all can't help the fact that your ignorant, so I forgive you.

To the UK....Shut the fuck up! We kicked your asses out of our country not once, but twice! And when your sorry asses were getting beat by the Germans in WWI and WWII, who saved you after you begged for assistance? The U.S. If it wasn't for America, you'd be eating sour-kraut and goose-stepping to the sounds of Seig' Heil! So in fact, we saved the King!P.S. God Save the Queen and thanks for the Colonies!

To Australia.....The only redeeming quality of your country is good beer, nude beaches, an idiot who calls himself the crocodile hunter, and great looking women. Apart from that, you're a silly little cunt of a nation.So from the bottom of my heart....go fuck a kangaroo and have a Foster's on me!

To Canada....You are simply a waste of land mass. You can't even play American Football correctly and you are responsible for the economic turmoil in my country that can be explained in one word, NAFTA. Like the song is titled "Blame Canada!" Once we okay'd that little fiasco, you still bitch about your economic status. So to you, from the bottom of my heart, shove a hockey stick up your ass, sideways! And shut the fuck up, eh?

In closing, don't hate the U.S. because it is successful and bears it's nipples for all of you cry-baby cunts to suckle upon. Show it a little more respect. Afterall, we still have thousands of Australians, Canadians, and British that flock to our country every year for the privilege of becoming an American Citizen. What does that tell you?

Thank you for your time. And by the way, Have a nice day!

I find it amazing that a person can be this arrogant. It's almost as if you are shelling out for all the foreign aid and military support out of your own pocket!

Now correct me if I am wrong but is it not true that what the US wants is a war? And a really big one at that? From what I understand, without this sort of thing happening it wouldn't be too long before the US economy completely shat itself and crumbled. Kind of explains why the good 'ol US of A is so quick to have a massive force mobilised in any offending trouble spot so fuckin quickly huh?

You may also wanna consider that the US isn't the only country dishing out the foreign aid dollars to all the other poor arse countries that need it. Australia does it too - and not ofcourse forgetting the millions upon millions of [wasted] dollars we have to spend on the poor-ass boat people that arrive from where ever the fuck they are coming from on a daily basis.

Basically what I am getting at is that you should probably get you hand off your Dick, get a clue and grab a life.

To the rest of you guys who are American, I feel sorry that you have to share your country with people who are this arrogant and single minded and my comments aren't aimed to offend any of you.

Anyone got any comments? Email me or post em here.

Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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orsmupdate 2001.05.24-19.11

Well fucken fuck me in the goat ass. Not only is that 2 updates in one day... and not only did they occur within a couple of hours of eachother but it makes it 3 updates in 2 days!!! I amaze even myself somedays...

Anyways, I think that's more self-praise than anyone deserves in a moon cycle so I'll shut up and tell you guys what I have been up to. All the vids have been re-added to the the Priceless Vids page.

YES they all used to be there before but they came down for a few months blah blah blah. Who cares right? Either way you can find em here if you haven't seen em before OR you wanna see em again.

By the way - they are all zip files! DO NOT email me asking how to play the vid if you haven't unzipped it!

Enjoy. Mr Orsm.

orsmupdate 2001.05.24-18.00

Now this is what I call fuct up. I shudder everytime I watch it. I aren't exactly too sure just how much it would hurt but I'm putting it somewhere near a Michael Bolton, Celine Dion and Kenny G collaboration...

- Kick Box -

... and this one on the repost. Not only coz it was requested but because it is one of the funniest ones I have seen in frickin aaaaaaaages.

- Pissy Pants -

Had a guided tour through iiNet today which pretty much kicked ass. They're the guys that host my site. Very interesting to see how stuff works. If you ever get a chance to go for a tour through and see stuff like that then I highly recommend it. Cheers to those involved - was muchly appreciated.


A young couple got married and in their family it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song.

Well, this happened but then they danced for the second song too. And a third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.

A riot broke out and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your Honour, we were just dancing and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the Judge. ''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''He broke three of my fingers.''


- Check out 49 other sites all WAY better than mine -

Got something to say? Email me. I'll listen. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2001.05.23-23.43

Okay so it would appear that you guys wanna hear more from me right? According to the stupid poll thing I have been running, about 65% of you wanna see me updating more often. Fair enough then... I'll do my best to pull my finger right out of my ass and update a few times a week... TIME PERMITTING ofcourse! Please don't send me email saying "where's ya fuckin update, man?". That'll just shit me off.

I've been trying to figure out what the fuck my site is about. I mean you have a look at Jack's site and it pretty much seems to have a point or atleast some sort of purpose to it. Then there's Cloud 10 which rocks with video thing and ofcourse Legendtofski which does the rest of us Aussies proud.

I don't want this to be some sort of porn site where little kiddies come to to get off while Mummy is out doing the groceries and I don't wanna do the done-to-death Seinfeld 'something about nothing' deal either.

Sure - maybe it's good how it is but if you consider poor little old me, I'd rather spice things up and keep it interesting as opposed to pics of nekkid chics and stupid idiots all the time.

If you have got any decent ideas on what you wanna see more of, less of, none of or just any good ideas in general then lemme know coz I'd love to hear em.


Urban legends... You know the stupid stories you get in your email from time to time. The ones that are just so far out there that you believe them. The ones that you forward to everyone on your email list because they will believe it will be true too. I hate to tell you guys but almost none of them are true BUT I am about to change all that. This one is completely 100% true. I know it is because I got it in my email the other day and everything I get in my email is always true. Check it out...

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbour, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realised that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital.

The one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two emails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms - if you don't, you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the US government will put a tax on your emails forever.


What is it about Boobies? Most guys would have to admit that they are one of the first things that they notice on a chick. Big, small, flat, round, banana shaped, droopy, long... WHATEVER...!!

Today I bring you guys a tribute to these marvels of nature. Some good, some bad, some interesting... I'll leave it to you guys to decide....

Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies

Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies

Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies - Boobies

There'll be more Boobie pics posted next time I update. In the mean time it'd be oh so sweet if all you guys and girls who read this site just absolutely bombard my email with pics of chicks with sweet tits...

Actually, I may as well try what everyone else seems to be trying nowadays - if there are actually any chicks out there who wanna take a few happy snaps of your Boobies, and write the word 'ORSM' or 'ORSM BOOBS' written across em - send em my way and they shall be posted for all to enjoy.


Running out of decent pickup lines to impress chicks with? Try these on for size. One of em is bound to work eventually.

  • If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
  • I love every bone in your body. Especially mine.
  • If we were squirrels would you play with my nuts?
  • Have you ever tripped over a tree? How 'bout a root then?
  • Do you like chocolate milk? Then suck my dick, cuz it's Primo!
  • Hey baby! Do you believe in the "Hereafter"? Well you know what I'm here after!
  • Ask a girl her name. When she tells you, reply that your name is "Milk". When she looks at you strangely, reply, "I'll do your body good!"
  • If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
  • I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.
  • If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
  • How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled, or fertilised?
  • I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
  • My love for you is like diarrhoea... I just can't hold it in.
  • Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
  • Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
  • If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
  • You remind me of a championship bass... I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
  • Your parents must be retarded because you are special.
  • Could I touch your belly button... from the inside?
  • I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
  • How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open and I'll put my head in.
  • Hi baby! How about you come over to my house and we'll have pizza and fuck?
    *Girl slaps you* What? Don't you like pizza?
  • Sit on my face and I'll guess your weight and eat the difference!
  • Ever seen a grown man naked?
  • You look sick. I think you need a dose of "penis"sillin.
  • You've got nice legs, when do they open?
  • Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
  • You got nice breasts, but what colour are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
  • Do you want to see something swell?
  • That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor.
  • Your daddy must have been a baker, because you have a nice set of buns.
  • I miss my teddy bear, would you sleep with me?
  • I'm on fire; can I run through your sprinkler?
  • I'm leaving this place ... want to cum?
  • Is it cold or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?
  • Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
  • Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
  • Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
  • Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I'll guess how much you weigh.
  • Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?
  • Ask girl if she likes jewellery. Then grab your nuts and say, "Then suck this, it's a gem!"


I know quality when I see it and these pics are it - extreme quality.

Chick - Chick - Chick - Chick - Chick - Chick

Now this is what I call deluxe... I seriously want one of these. Will somehow have to work it into my aspiration of owning a brand new BMW by the time I am 30...


Gerald Croll wrote:
Subject: Shotgun

You forgot a couple of the standard shotgun rules...

II.3 - Addendum - The passenger with the nicest tits gets preferential shotgun treatment.

II.6 Addendum - If that genetic freak is a danger to the drivers life and limb, all passengers are to fight the FREAK for the position, not the driver.

I definitely agree with the first one and I'm not too sure how on earth I could possibly have missed it. The chickee nicest tits comes first in every situation.


Mobile Fone Text Messages I Have Had The Pleasure Of Receiving This Week:

Top 5 Dyke Movies Of All Time:
Womb Raider
Crouching Clacker Hidden Clam
Dude, Where's My D-Cell
Tiffany Is My Breakfast
Rug Munchin In Paris

How many animals can you find in a pair of Pantyhose....?
1 Ass
2 Calves
a Pussy
1000 Hares
Maybe some crabs
And a dead Fish no body can find...

3 advantages of getting a $50 note tattooed on your Penis:
You can play with your money.
You can see your money grow.
Your girl can blow as much money a she wants.

When her pussy drips red don't have a sigh,
Don't zip up or even cry,
When the timid fucker's call it quits,
A real man slams it where she shits.

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i'm a slut...

I know that most of the people that surf this site aren't in Australia but I am pretty sure most of you are aware of the whole Big Brother TV show concept. We are luckily [read: unluckily] enough to be getting our first dose at the moment. Now I'm sure that every other country has had those people in the house that they like and those that they hated. Which one do I hate? The dumb bitch pictured to the left ofcourse! Sara-Maree... why-o-why won't they evict her!?

Unfortunately for us she is a try-hard bitch that has/is trying to slut her way on to every guy in the house. Why doesn't she understand that she is bad and they don't want to touch her! Everyone who owns a fone, I urge you to ring and VOTE HER OUT! Check out her video. Can someone inside the fuckin house please tell her that we do not want to see her 'flash her tits' any more than we wanna see her naked - again.

Also full credit to these guys for their little stunt of trying to break in to the BB House. I get the feeling they wanted to get in to get her out. EVICT SARA-MAREE!!!

What would an update be without me posting some Random Shite? It wouldn't be an update at all would it!?

Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite

Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite


Apparently this one is a true story... like all the rest of em too eh!!? A defence attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.


Welcome to video time. The time where I bring you some of the finest the web has to offer all for your viewing pleasure. The last one is an avi so you may need to download the DivX codec from here.

- Bukkake - The Top Up - Vomit-A-Lot - Voluptuous Lesbian Vid -

Mutty wrote:
Subject: Smokin'

That's it for me guys. I'll try and make good on the more regular update thang as of next week.

In the mean time feel free to vote your pretty little asses off for me! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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orsmupdate 2001.05.11-21.54

Updates... They just seem to take so fuckin long. Have been a busy bastard over the last few weeks. I also went through and remade the ENTIRE priceless section of my site which took a while.

come.to/priceless is NOT the url to enter the priceless section of my site anymore. If you have bookmarked it the change it to orsm.ii.net/priceless. i.am/orsm url is getting tossed too - use orsm.ii.net.

Why am I going through all the drama of doing this? Basically the i.am and come.to url's are just redirection url's supplied by V3.com. I have no idea why but for a while there, their url's would crash browsers everytime someone tried going to my site.

Hopefully all the pus and pain I love putting myself through will improve your surfing experience on my site. Aren't I a nice guy? huh? huh? huh?

I'm trying to figure out what you guys would prefer...

Option 1: More Frequent site updates. i.e. two or 3 times a week. Downside: I do smaller updates.

Option 2: Site updates stay the same and you get a shit load of new stuff approximately once a week. Downside: you have to wait longer between updates.

If you scroll down the page a bit there is a poll. Feel free to vote so I can get an idea or just email me and lemme know what you think.


There are a number of constants in life. Things that will always happen. You know - you are always going to need to breath, need to eat, sleep, shit bla blah blah. There is also ALWAYS going to be some sort of argument, discussion, disagreement or whatever about who gets 'shotgun'.

To those who don't know, the uninitiated, shotgun is when you have atleast 3 people about to embark upon some sort of journey in a car. The shotgun position is in the front, next to the driver. Everyone always wants to sit in the front because no one likes to be left out in the back seat.

To help combat this problem I proudly display the new shotgun rules. These have been drafted, developed and endorsed by the International Shotgun Commission.

I. The Basic Rules
1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" long as the driver verifies the call.
2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle.
3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediately forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way
to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.
4. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all Shotgun privileges from one or more persons.

II. Special Cases
These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases
beneath it, when applicable.
1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.
2. If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
3. In the instance the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
4. In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.
5. In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.
6. In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the
poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.

III. The Bastard Rules
1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Bastard Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting Rule I.4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whomever can take it by force.
2. The driver must announce the institution of the Bastard Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.


Whilst I am on the subject of cars I thought it would be a good time to post some Australian muscle car vids. I have no idea how it works in other countries but over here you are either a Ford [Falcon] Boy or a Holden [Commodore] Boy. I'm a Ford boy and have been for years but the Holden's still kick ass! Either way - have some kick ass vids of them smokin it up!

Falcon EL XR8 - Commodore VT GTS - Commodore VT Club Sport

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Yeah these pics have been around forever but they are pretty bloody funny. Why men die young....

Why Men Die Young - Why Men Die Young - Why Men Die Young - Why Men Die Young

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar; which the girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"? The little working girl replied, "I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking bricks".


I don't know whether to love it or hate it. The Australian version of Big Brother. I really cant stand that festy fat bitch Sara-Maree. I want her out! She's made out that she is some sort of upper management at a local strip club but as it turns out, she is just the slut that stands at the door and charges admission. Comments anyone? Send em my way.


Mail mail mail...

This whole Canada Vs USA thing has got to stop. Fuck - I don't even know what you guys are on about anymore. I am having enough trouble figuring out if the sender is a Yank or Canuck. I feel like I have been reduced to a medium for two countries [that I have never been to] to thrash out their differences.

That's not what this site is about. It's about laughing at morons in Priceless Pictures or finding that Mp3 you have been looking for or watching fucked up videos. So on that note this is the last of the shit load of email I have received on the subject that I will be posting.

Jerry wrote:
Subject: Canadians

Unfortunately, not all Canadians (much like any nationality), have their asses on straight.

Both Dennis Roy and Kevin seem like numb-nuts, in that neither seem to know what is going on (note to Canadian dimwit: Sympatico server area is about 18 million people in Ontario AND Quebec. Note to Aussie dimwit: Canada was a haven for the poor from the UK promised free land, not convicted criminals).

In my opinion, Aussies and Canadians, of all nationalities separated by such geography, are the most alike. Our roots are much the same (colonies), which still persist into our governmental systems. As well, when Australia was voting to oust the monarchy, Canada was also on the verge, and decided not to, after what happened in Australia.

Each time I have been travelling, be it in the US, Europe, or my own backyard, I find that Australians share a very similar cultural opinion, with the obvious idiot exceptions.

So ignore the idiots, be they from Canada, Australia, the United States, or anywhere else, and keep up the great site!

Philleas Fogg wrote:
Subject: America, Canada & their inhabitants

You guys in Australia have little to feel bad about, you have fought hard and risen above the criminal ancestry, and I think the whole world should realise that you did your time a long time ago. You have learned to live in harmony with the original inhabitants of your continent, for which you should be commended. You have negociated your graduation into an independance with a grace which demonstrates maturity and responsibility and the only thing you now have to conquer is an ability to live in harmony with the planet...

...Americans and Canadians, on the other hand, are the religious trash which Europe didn't want... and for the most part, they still are.

Kevin wrote:
Subject: Kevin from Canada responds...

What an international incident I have unleashed on your website!

I want to apologize to all the Aussies I may have offended by my "Convicts-may-spoil-your-family-reunion" remarks.

My statements were meant to be taken as light humour, and I'd be happy to fly all you Aussies to Canada and make amends by treating you all to a round of Canadian beer...as soon as you are released from prison...or you figure out how to read an airline ticket. Actually...Canadian border cops wont let any Aussies in...unless you are Paul Hogan...or you have relatives who are imprisoned in Canada.

Now everyone shut the hell up about the damn Aussies and there damn criminal family trees and let Orsm spend his time posting more priceless stuff and pics of Aria.

Kevin from Canada

ps All yanks must die.
pps except maybe Gillian Anderson....
ppps Ok...and maybe Stephen King.
pppps But that's it....kill them all....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
ppppps I would to apologize for the above remarks. They were in fact made by
"Bill", one of my alternate personalities. He's usually harmless..unless
some Yank upsets him...or Manchester United loses.......

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... and finally.

Numb wrote:
Subject: Canada always the best place to live, God Says...

Hey Mr. Orsm,

Here a little something got on the web. If somebodywants to shit on me concerning this, please do so at my new adress: davenath@yahoo.ca

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."


These are pictures of delicious lesbians. The best of both worlds too. A brunette lesbian and a blonde lesbian doing what comes naturally when two chicks are left alone together... munchin rug.

Blondette - Blondette - Blondette - Blondette - Blondette - Blondette - Blondette - Blondette


Recently, 3 hikers were walking in the wilderness of northern Alberta. The day was nice, the sun shining and everyone was in generally good spirits.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere they were viciously attacked by a ferocious mountain cat which struck with the speed of lightning, slashing and devouring the three unwary hikers.

Some time later, game wardens stumbled across the grisly scene and noticed that one of the hikers had managed to snap a picture of the beast before being killed. They quickly brought the camera back to the lab and had the film developed so they could get an idea of what they were dealing with....

...to this day, the picture haunts them to the bone.

- Mountain Cat -


Sometimes it makes me wonder if the people that read my site want to know what I look like. For me however, it's one of those things that I just wouldn't feel comfortable with everyone knowing. On the other hand I feel like I kind of owe it to you guys SO I'll meet you all half way. Check out this embarrassing video of me that was taken about a week ago.

- Orsm -


A Romanian footballer was sent off for stopping a national third division game to answer his mobile.

Iulica Traznea of Locomotiva Buzau was playing in a match against rivals Victoria Valea Ramnicului when the phone rang. He then spent five minutes trying to sell one of the lambs from his farm to a prospective buyer.

Eventually the referee sent him off, and the club is now preparing disciplinary action against him.

A disgruntled Traznea said: "If they paid us enough in the first place we would not have to get involved in other things."


.... making some loser kiss your ass - PRICELESS!!


Ever wanted to see pics of an ugly naked bitch standing next to a vending machine? Well you have come to he right place. If you were ever unlucky enough to be going to a vending machine and finding someone like this, I can guarantee that you wouldn't be hungry for much longer.

Vend-a-Bitch - Vend-a-Bitch - Vend-a-Bitch - Vend-a-Bitch - Vend-a-Bitch



1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

Crazy shit on the web anyone? Check out these bits and pieces.

I have no idea what the hell this is about but it did make me laugh. Not so much because it is hilarious but because I can imagine how much money was spent on drugs for someone to come up with this.

And this one - I am about 99% sure that this guy is NOT for real. Check out the site though, it's some pretty fuckin funny shite.


This weeks random shite is proudly brought to you by absolutely none other than me!!

Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite

Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite - Shite


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.


Now for the rest of today's vids. There was a extreme amount of effort required to figure out exactly what I would post. I thought I would try and cover a number of different topics/areas/genres/fetishes today so strap yourselves in and prepare for some sick shit.

The first vids sort of went hand in hand with eachother. The first one honestly gave me nightmare. I can't watch it. Anyone else who is a Carpenter or a Cabinetmaker [like I used to be!]may dislike it more than most other too. And with the second one - there isn't a guy in the world who'll enjoy it....

Chop 1 - Chop 2

The rest of em just kick ass.....

Fuck Me In The Ass, Bob! - Welcome To Gush City - Kick Me In The Nuts! HARD!

Lactating Nipples - Got Piss? - That's Gotta Hurt! - Get The Fuck Outta My Way!

And this weeks award for the single most fucked up shit I have seen goes too:

- WRONG! -

[If some of the vids don't work properly you may need the DivX Codec - get it here]


Orsm Chain Mail: Make sure you and atleast 10 friends click here or you will be run over by a pink truck in the not too distant future.

Email Me. Forum-ise yourself. Vote. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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