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May 2003...
orsmupdate 2003.05.28-1.01
Do you ever get that feeling whilst you're doing an update that you just need to out do yourself? Make it bigger than ever before by going that extra mile? Well this week is one of those weeks and even though most of you reading this probably dont do updates I just thought I'd ask...

Anyways I'm happy to say that I finally managed a weekend away - admittedly it wasn't much and it's actually the first time I've been away for anything more than an over-niter in almost 4 years. What it all equated to was a good 48 hour period where I didnt even look at a computer. We left on the Friday around lunch time and withdrawl symptoms kicked early the next morning.

Showing true signs of internet addiction I began to wonder what may have happened in those 18 hours... maybe there was something huge in the news I was missing... ICQ messages... what if something had broken on the site... or worst of all, maybe I had an important email waiting for me. I had to get online.

As I walked up the main drag in Margaret River almost 400kms from my computer I noticed a big shiny sign offering high speed internet access. It was my oasis in a communicationless desert of the cold, wet south. As I stood there in awe of this magical offering I realised that the reason I was so far away in the first place was to escape this madness. Calm flushed through my body and I walked away.

I spent the rest of the weekend just relaxing. We hit a few wineries, some dairy's, a brewery that didn't have a license that allowed them to serve alcohol [?] and drank a whole lot of scotch.

How things have changed though... as kids we used head down south every Easter and stay in shit hole caravans. Showers and toilets were communal to the rest of the caravan park and there was no mod cons - it was great fun. Nowadays things are different to say the least. We stayed in double story apartments with king-size beds, individual spa's, toilets and showers, dishwashers, cable TV and even heating/aircon. The funny thing is I think I actually preferred roughing it [if you will] like the old days. It makes you appreciate home so much more and you look forward to your own bed. Doing it in luxury takes the fun and adventure out of it and you lose that excited anticipation of coming home. I think next time I'll aim for cheap and shitty...

Despite my best efforts to resist I think it's safe to say I've been sucked in by Big Brother again this year. The whole thing started off looking like it was going to be worse than the last series but this week has proven me wrong. Seems this year they've actually stuck some decent people in the house but I really can not for the fuckin life of me figure out why the hell ANYONE would vote to have teenage hottie Leah evicted. I mean for fucks sake how often do you get to turn on your TV and see a tasty 18 year old showering naked and walking around with fuck all clothes on?

Secondly is Joanne who I mentioned last week. I don't think we'll ever see her dubbed an emotional powerhouse but so long as she keeps strutting around in a bikini and exposing herself randomly she should be retained to ensure viewer satisfaction.

Final favourite at the moment after seeing his actions this week is Ben. He has somehow managed in one way or another to bring complete unrest to the entire household as well as making 4 of the 5 girls cry all in one nite. This man is an Australian hero. How often has someone had the balls to go into the house and really play the game? The answer: never. Save Ben!!!

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I've been busily working away over the last couple of weeks on all sorts of things. First up I would highly recommend checking out the chicks and stuff section of the site. It's getting fucking HUGE I tell ya! Click the links and be enlightened...

C & S: 1 - C & S: 2 - C & S: 3 - C & S: 4 - C & S: 5 - C & S: 6 - C & S: 7 - C & S: 8
C & S: 9 - C & S: 10 - C & S: 11 - C & S: 12 - C & S: 13 - C & S: 14 - C & S: 15 - C & S: 16
C & S: 17 - C & S: 18 - C & S: 19 - C & S: 20 - C & S: 21 - C & S: 22 - C & S: 23 - C & S: 24

Next up is the Priceless vids section. 10 new ones added this week with 10 to be added next update and the update after that and hopefully the update after that too! Check the new ones here somewhere!

Some of you may even be suprised to note that there's 40 new ones of these things too. Latest additions can be found here and here with more to come in the next few weeks!

Also don't forget to check out the brand new Orsm.net chat. It's pretty fuckin cool - you dont need any special software installed except for Flash [which everyone already has anyway] and it's fast as all hell. Come check it.

This series of images was snapped off at Perth's very own Cottesloe Beach about 2 weeks ago. Decent storm that day - even managed to push a tree down at my place!

Many Names Of The Vagina - Spoon Guard - Ban Spoon Guard - Drug Taker - Flash Freaks

The Truth About Pedders Suspension - Why Semen Is Good For You - Communicating With Deaf Hookers

Some of you may be pleased to see we've done another Holly shoot for the site. I partnered up with a few other guys, found some decent cars and headed down to the Kwinana Motorplex. We shot a few decent cars and you guy's will see them along with the ever stunning Holly over the next few weeks. First car to be featured is Tim's GTS. Sweet...


Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch... naked.

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So there's this soldier who is all excited about joining the army. He heads for the local recruiter's office and says he's psyched to join. The recruiter says "Hey, great! Here's your gun," and hands the new soldier a broomstick.

The new dude says, "Hang on, what kind of a gun is this? It doesn't even have a bayonet!" The Sarge ties a piece of string on the end, and says "You're all set now, just head out to the battle front, point your gun, and say 'Bangity-Bangity-Bang' and the gun will work fine. Swing it around, and say 'Stabity-Stabity-Stab' and the bayonet will do its thing." The soldier is a skeptic, but he's also not the brightest guy, so he believes the Sarge and heads for the battle front.

There he is, in the middle of all the fighting, with a crazed look in his eye. He picks up his trusty broomstick, and waves it around at the enemy, saying "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!, Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" To his amazement, everyone on the field is completely wiped out. Everyone, that is, except for one fighter, who is advancing very slowly and steadily toward our hero.

The soldier thinks, "Hey, no sweat," and aims his broomstick. "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!" No difference -- the enemy soldier keeps advancing, slowly and steadily. Our man waves his weapon threateningly and says "Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" Still nothing. The enemy advances steadily toward the soldier. He bumps into the soldier, knocks him down, advances up over his legs, stomach, chest, and face and continues over the other side - slow and steady. As the enemy moves away, the soldier hears him saying "Tankity-Tankity-Tank."


Ever heard of Mimi McPherson? She's supermodel Elle's little sister. Not wanting to be left out it seems, a few years back she decided to step in front of the camera and do some modelling of her own and as luck would have it [for us] her boyfriend thought it wise to share the results with the world. What a Guy...

- The Mimi McPherson Sex Tape: Part 1 -

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An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the senior partner who agreed, so he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 . . . and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Soon, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the Government bury her!"

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Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

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One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne. The boy smiled, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're going to see a show. Can she go?" Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.

A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.

No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang once again. Bubba opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said, "Hi, My name is Chuck." With that, Bubba shot him dead.

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A man went to an urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out, then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse..."


Massive Mams - Massive Mams - Massive Mams - Massive Mams - Massive Mams - Massive Mams

Massive Mams - Massive Mams

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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building,"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much!" Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."

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An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license. The patrolman said, "I see you are from Edinburgh. I spent some time there once and had the worst sex I have ever had." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

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Worth surfing this week are the sites you will find below... all of em far better than my site so make sure you stop by and check em out! By the way if you're a webmaster wanting your site linked click here.

Mental Ernie - Grape Shot - Lotza Porn - Sex Info 101 - Top Quality XXX - Drunk Cyclist - Peppellini Pines

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide, and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119..."


A woman, pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears."Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the Mom, "I know what happened... you were urinating and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

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Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked. "Nope."

"A Cake?" Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles." "No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."


Wade wrote:
Subject: Some interesting pics
Hi Orsm! Since you always post such great pictures on your site I thought I would send you a few that you probably haven't seen. These are from Lake Havasu City, AZ, USA facing west. They are of a missile launched from Vandenburg Air Force Base in California and another missile shooting it down over the Pacific Ocean. These are three different shots over the last five years. Pretty awesome huh? Keep up the good work!

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sicarrow wrote:
Subject: READ THE STORY FIRST!!!!!!!!!!
Helen Radford-St John of Manchester set a record on by becoming the first person to cross the English Channel by floating motionless in the water and allowing only the channel currents to carry her across. This unique feat has only been previously attempted on three occasions, all ending in failure. After her crossing, which took 2 days, 17 hours, and 43 minutes to accomplish, Miss Radford-St John said, "I never doubted for a moment that I would make it. I want to thank everyone who believed in me. It really is a dream come true for me."

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Matt wrote:
Subject: a day at the beach
dear mr orsm. We had a day out at rainbow beach the other day when old mate had this misshap

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SRSmith wrote:
These pics are from a hail storm that hit the Tarmoola Gold Mine (Leonora WA) on 17/02/2003. Quite a tempest. Hope you can use them.

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Marshall Jackson wrote:
Subject: Interesting (read: disgusting) video
Earlier today I went to the recruiting office for the US Navy to find out information about joining. As part of standard procedure, they measured my height and weight to determine if I'm suitable for joining the military. As it turns out, I happen to be just over the maximum weight limit allowable and must lose about 8 pounds before going back. It was recommended to me to go to a health food store and purchase some chemical to cleanse my colon which should help me lose several pounds quickly.

When I got home, I did a search for this product, which led me to this site, and consequently to this video. The video is about 11-1/2 minutes long, and somewhat boring up until about 10-1/2 minutes through. Make sure you can hear what the narrator is saying. Yummy. Heres the site and heres the video. Unfortunately, the video is in shitty Real Video, but still viewable. Enjoy.

Thomas Mischke wrote:
Subject: Some Pics for you by me :-)
Hallo from Germany, Two sorts of pictures enclosed for you. The series of the burning car was taken last Monday at 4 o'clock in the morning. Apperantly ignited by someone... Shot by me half awake/half asleep. the other one was taken on the Autobahn in Germany/Bavaria. Apperantly a factory called "FAG". :-)

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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Big bore muzzle flash
The comments below come from a former chopper pilot...

Looks like an anti-tank gun. Story/rumor/history, when they were first testing a secret recoilless anti-tank gun 5-6 years ago, they shot a solid/non-exploding round at a soviet tank. They put a goat inside the to see the if it would survive. The round was traveling at such a speed that it went through the tank, with only a small hole to show for its effort. The contractors/inspectors wondered what went wrong. When the went to examine the tank up close, they found the inside of the tank covered with blood, but no goat??? Everything not welded or severely tied down in the tank was sucked out the small hole on the other side of the tank, including the poor goat.

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GeO wrote:
Subject: Typical NSW drivers
Hey Orsm-dude, If you're going to put these pictures up (highly likely due to their "holy shit" level of content) and say that they were from me, can you put my name down as GeO? I don't want the whole world to know i'm ethnic in case i get wankers emailing me shit.

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Kaily wrote:
Subject: German Air Force
This two pictures i found in my Mailbox. Maybe you can use them. It's a crash on a airfield by the German Air Force. Thanks for the good pictures on your side.
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Adamek wrote:
Subject: scenes from class (kicks ass)
Hi. I often visit your site and think that this movie is perfect for yourcollection. Action take place in some high school in Poland. greetings. Adamek

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On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll call. "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer," said one boy. "I won't tolerate such language in my class", Miss Torch fumed. "Tell me your real name." "That is my real name," Johnny insisted. "You can ask my brother over in the fourth grade."

The determined teacher marched across the hall. "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" Miss Torch asked the class. "Hell no," a bold lad retorted. "We don't even get a cookie break!"

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Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky

Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky

Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up, and they all have to stay in one room. There are 2 king-sized beds, and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.

In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up, and says to the man next to him, "Let me out. I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had, and I've got to get to her NOW!" The other guy says, "O.K. Do you want me to come with you?" "What the hell for?" asks the other. "Because that's MY dick you're holding!" says he.

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL of the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

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Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water." The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!" Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

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A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading... a couple of minutes later he asked the priest. "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologised.

"I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong... how long have you had arthritis?" "I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has arthritis."

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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that !""What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

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A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

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A Sunday-school teacher asked her class the question: "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body do you think goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." And why is that, Suzie?" asked the teacher. Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.

"Miss, miss ..your heart" shouted Alice. "Miss, no miss, it's your eyes" interupted Tommy. The teacher smiled and was just about to ask Alice, when little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs." The teacher looked at him warily. "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'Oh, God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

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There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-Up." They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says, "Because he's seven inches long and is always up."

They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask, "Why do you call your man that," and she says, "Because he likes to mount me and to do me."

They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say, "Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor," and she says, "Exactly!"

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Jim and his blonde wife live in the country. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through." Jim's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through." Jims blond wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park........", then the electric power goes out. Jims blond wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Jim says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

click here for more


Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage

Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."

click here for more

One day little Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher said we are going to play the guesing game. "Ok I have something round and orange in my lunch sack." The teacher sees Johnny with his hand up and calls on him.

"An orange" Johnny says. She says "no, but I like the way your thinking". "Ok lets try again. I have something round and red in my lunch sack". And again johnny has his hand up. So she calls on him again. He says "an apple".

She says "no, but I like the way your thinking". So at recess Johnny asks he teacher if he could play the geussing game with her. She says sure. "Ok I have something round, hard, and has a head on it in my pocket". She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She tells Johnny to head to the principals office, Johnny turns to go. Then the teacher stops him and says "by the way what did you have in your pocket?" He says "a quarter but i like the way your thinking".

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This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with an Jamaican accent say, You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

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One time there was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her last year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch conservative. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare.

He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because of all of the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really havemany college friends because of all her studying.

He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. Was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over.

He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. She fired back and said "that wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing".

After a moment of silence, she replied, "I guess I will never vote Democrat again".

click here for more

The young lady at the confessional: "Father, put it in my pussy!" "No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver another child of God." "Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" "No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred Host".

"So put it under my armpit!" "No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy Bible". "OK, Father, then take it out of my ass cause it's hurting"


A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.

He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and shouts, "What the fuck is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!" The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

Another generous portion of Random Shite this week. Click the links and be dazzled...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

On the subject of drugs in tennis, the Williams sisters were recently discussing this in the warm-up room before a doubles match. "I think Dad might be slipping us steroids" whispered Serena.

"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus. "Well," started Serena embarrassingly, "I've started to grow hair on parts of my body that have never had hair before!" "Shit... like where?" asked Venus. "Like all over my balls!" replied Serena.

click here for more

Well I think that pretty much wraps up another update. I'm totally thrashed after this one for some reason so I think I'll sleep in for the next couple of days.... not like I don't already but I wouldn't mind watching a few episodes of A Country Practice from start to finish for a change.

Anyways until next time be good, stay off the chems and check out one place I would rather be. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2003.05.13-16.20
It's funny how time passes you by so much faster as you get older. Almost without realising it the end of April has come and gone and I somehow forgot to aknowledge it. I don't usually get all reflective at the end of each month or anything but I realised it has now been four years from what was very much a life changing experience for me.

T'was a cool Friday evening back in April 1999 and I was driving to a mates house happily minding my own business chatting away on the mobile when from out of nowhere appears a Falcon sedan... anyways one thing led to another and the he ended up getting airborne and T-boning me in the drivers door. Was one of those fucked up things where if I was there a split-second later or a split-second earlier I probably wouldn't be here to write this. Scary shit but strangely enough I walked away.

What followed then was some back problems and all the other shit you would usually expect from being drilled by a car moving at 80kmh. I ended up quitting my [much hated] job as a cabinet maker because I couldn't lift anything heavy and sort of embarked on a downhill slide into depression. That lasted a few months I guess - I'd lost my pride and joy, my job, and my income - my whole world was turned upside down in one foul swoop and everything was basically just fucked.

After sitting on my ass for a few months feeling sorry for myself I finally conned my old boy into buying me a computer that October. Come Februrary 2000 I was well and truly hooked and enrolled in a computer course. A few months after that I started trying to learn how to build a website and everything has just sort of progressed to what you see before you now... my full time occupation.

Thinking back to my cabinetmaking days I quite clearly remember saying there was no fuckin way I was going to be doing this for the rest of my days... but by the same token I had no idea how to make a break away from it and into something else. I was in a huge rut and I knew it.

What I couldn't see at the time was me getting nailed by some little punk in his grandfathers new car was a blessing in digsuise.

Some fucked up shit happened that nite after I had the accident too and whilst I won't go into it [weird factor plus you will all think I am cracked], I think it was the one event that lay rest to any doubt I may have had about the presence of some sort of higher power. Since that day I've spent countless hours wondering if these things are done deliberately to us as a big wake up call to put us on a different path. In my situation it makes perfect sense... I always knew there was more to life than being stuck in a dead-end job making shitty furniture all day long - I just couldn't figure out how to get away from it.

Something that I am sure a few of you will enjoy - Orsm.net finally has it's very own Live Chat! All you gotta do is go to www.orsm.net/chat and you are as good as in. Only thing that is required is Flash which pretty much everyone has anyways so its all good. Click here to start chatting!

I'm almost done with my conversion from html to php. Took an immense amount of screwing around on my behalf but I'm sure it'll be well worth it. If you find any broken links around the site make sure you let me know!

Had quite a few good suggestions of words and names we never want to hear again this week: Wayne Carey, John Howard, Governor General, Weapons Of Mass Destruction, Governor General, Detention centres, George Dubbya, Terrorism, The Matrix and of course Governor General.

Click for more awesomeness

GOT MAD DESIGN SKILLZ? UP FOR A CHALLENGE? I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO DESIGN A LOGO FOR THE SITE! WINNER WILL SCORE A COPY OF BRITNEY DOES ANNA! MORE INFO HERE!! Thanks for everyone who has submitted one so far - I've received a stack of entries and I'll be in touch with as many of you as I can but in the mean time keep em coming!

Foreign Correspondent Josh Carey reports in this week from Tokyo with his latest observations about those crazy Japanese. Check it out here...

I've also been slowly getting through some of the mail you guys have sent me over the last month or two and found these on everyones favourite subjects - war and politics. By the way there's no need to email me complaining... I'm just the messenger!

War And Peace - Rememberance - A Grateful Briton - Pro-American Pom - Little Johnny - War Related

Looks like I had jumped the gun by writing Big Brother off before it had even started this year. Don't get me wrong - I think the new format with the 2 houses sucks ass but the big difference this time is that the producers have finally picked some good looking chicks! As we all know a bit of eye candy is never a bad thing. Take housemate Joanne for instance...

Couple of people have asked what happened to the Advice Asshole. The answer to this question is that you guys neglected the poor little guy! You know the deal... if your problem is too big for Dr Phil or Rikki Lake then all you gotta do is email theadviceasshole@yahoo.com.

The Legendary Bill Hicks - The Legendary Mitch Hedberg - Killer Coaster - Torque To Me - Tasty Twins

Spam The Spammers - Silly Molecules - There's An Axe In My Head! - Hilarious Cyber Sex - Switch Zoo

A veteran Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, may I see your driver's license and registration please?" The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?" "You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection." "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution." "You've got to be kidding me!" "It's no joke, sir". "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now, may I see your license and registration, please?"

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!" "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The veteran Ranger had had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now, sir, let me ask you this. Would you like me to slow down...or come to a complete stop?"

click here for more

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Here's the real version...

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried.

"We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... [Wait for it] "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!!"

click here for more


In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?" "Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was fucking his wife.


Sometimes you have to stop and wonder why the fuck people do the things they do. People getting off on shit that is just so far out there that it makes any normal person wonder what the fuck they were thinking. Take this video for example...

- What The Hell Is She Going To Do To Him With That Thing!? -

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry... You've had two warnings!"

click here for more

A man suspected of SARs is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr Smythe, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted.

She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!" At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again, "I SAID.... Are my TESTS RESULTS BACK .....!! ???"


Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha

Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha

click here for more

Little boy is in line with his dad, waiting to check out. In front of them is a really fat woman. Little boy looks her over and turns to his daddy and says"She is really big and fat isn't she daddy?" The father is embarrassed and tries to get son to quiet down. In a few minutes the little boy yells out; "She is the biggest woman I have ever seen!"

The father is embarrassed to tears and bends over and tell his son; "We do not talk about people looking different from us, especially if they are fat. Don't do it again." The little boy got the message and stood for a long time, until the woman's beeper went off. He then yelled: "Look out daddy, she is backing up!"

click here for more

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow suit. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."


John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.

He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!"

To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

click here for more

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: Women are evil bitches. Don't mess with them.


Dayton wrote:
Subject: hey orsm!
Howdy, im a ford fan much like yourself and I fucking love the GT! Ta for those pics. Anyway here's one I made up outta a few pictures I found on the net, don't post my name though cause I don't want these holden derros coming after me hehe. Hope u like, feel free to post

click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

d a wrote:
Subject: Prycless beach beaver munching
Hi there, Whilst over in Thailand in February this year I ventured to the Full Moon Party on Koh Phangan. This is a beach rave thing that goes all night and continues after the sun has risen. Along the beach I found these two horny ravers enjoying a bit of beaver munching. I spoke to the young lady concerned after she had realised where she was and hoisted her knickers back on, and I asked for her email addy though unfortunately she didn't provide so I haven't been able to send her these pics. Judging by her accent I think I can safely presume she was French. Well hopefully you can see that she gets to see them, along with the rest of the world.

Marcus Giles wrote:
Subject: Heya Mr Orsm
Basically some kid in his parents basement thought it was cool to film himself fighting imaginary JEDI knights in his basement.. Thats the first movie.. and very funny on its own.. (and painful ). Now the second movie.. is even funnier.. and come about because of the wonderful invention called the internet. Some guys thought they'ed help the poor kids shame out by adding in some special FX and sound FX.. You just gotta love the net :-D

click to download click to download

David Fshlock wrote:
Subject: motorvation
hey Mr orsm, some car pics and vid from motorvation

Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation

Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation

One thing I have been wanting to do for ages now is get a Readers Cars section of the site going. I'm a car nut from way back and wouldn't mind seeing some of your creations and I'm sure everyone else would too. SO if you've got something half decent whether it's highly modified or hardly touched, drop me and email with some pics and the specs!

click to download

Stephen Ludgate wrote:
Subject: 'Samuel' is a dumb shit!
Hey Mr ORSM! I've been a fan of your site for ages, but a recent update had a 'Samuel' talking so beautifully about a satalite picture of europe at night/day, and how amazing and cloudless it was, and how you could see the Sahara Desert in both night and day. What a complete dumb shit. If this guy/gal had even bothered to do his research and find out where that picture came from, he'd/she'd realise that it's a collage of countless satelite images of europe, from numerous different satelites. Which was then digitally stitched together, and the clouds removed and all aspects, includeing the night lights digitally enhanced!!! This Samuel chap has just cut and pasted this web site and called it his own... http://www.snopes.com

Here's a link to the almost original source of the picture, and also a wicked site, if you're into space and stuff! nasa.gov

Me wrote:
Subject: sunset from space
With regards to http://orsm.net/images/sunsetfromspace.jpg... You should know that this pic is a fake. See snopes.com.

Dennis Allen wrote:
Subject: Some Pics
I know the Carnival In Rio is soon to begin. Last year I was cruising South America (I worked for a Cruise Line). Our ship's photographers had a friend that was on another ship that stopped in Rio. He sent these pics along of a party he was invited to. Thought you (and your readers) might enjoy!

Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival

Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival

Adrian Hicks wrote:
Subject: New vehicle !!
Just announced! New vehicle for the defence budget!

Who wants to join now??????

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Critical Mike wrote:
Subject: Saddam & Gamorrah
Something I threw together this morning. It's a thought that makes me all giddy. Probably not overly original, but who the hell cares. Enjoy.

click to enlarge

dustin wrote:
Subject: my hamsters
hey i got these hamsters and they are doing it all the time so i got some pics of it. i thought it was funny and so did my friends hope you like them too.

click here for the gallery

One day, this guy who's been stranded all alone on a desert island for ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. It's certainly not a ship he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat and then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man, is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the guy replies, "Oh sweet Jesus, don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"


Stay Puff - MPG Paradise - The Pill Box - BTMF - Vagenis Online - Strip Club Nights - Lotza Porn

click here for more

An eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her mother and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. The mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit and the results show that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge: If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage...." At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says: "... you'll fuck her again!"

click here for more

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let his friend know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it in and emailed Colin Powell. Colin and his aids had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the cc list got longer and longer. Eventually it arrived at the Fed. Dr. Greenspan looked at it and replied the next second: "Perhaps the President would wish to look at the message up-side-down...."

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A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the 'Sahara Forest'," replied the puny man. "You mean the 'Sahara Desert'," said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

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Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."


Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly

Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly

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An elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign... 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to hell' can't stay on the church roof."

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The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I'm glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!! I found lots of people who loved Jesus. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled "JESUS CHRIST!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO!...JESUS CHRIST!...GO!"Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger. I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started running towards me! I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!

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Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

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Seven year old Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here, Mummy?" he asked. His mummy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you." "Did God send you too, Mummy?" asked Little Johnny. "Yes, Dear, He did." replied his mother. "And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked little Johnny. Again the answer was "yes."

Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone is so fucking cranky!!"

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A middle aged woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and ask the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a Drug Store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man standing at the bus stop the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 years old and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a 5 minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible... how did you know?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

This weeks stinkin Random Shite brought to you by the guy who runs this site... me! The stinkin Shite Viewer can still be found here!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man would come along behind him and fill in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the previous hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down
the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. But Elmer is off sick ... so it's just me an' Leroy today."

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SHE... I MEAN... UMMM...

Shiela - Shiela - Shiela - Shiela - Shiela - Shiela - Shiela - Shiela - Shiela - Shiela

Shiela - Shiela - Shiela

A couple of old boys were at their club. "How's your son?" asked the first. "Great. He's a top salesman," boasted the father. "His bosses were so pleased with him, they gave him a BMW. But he's always been a charitable lad and he gave it away."

"My son's at the top of his profession too," said the second man, "but he's never lost his generous nature. His boss gave him an apartment to thank him for all his efforts, but he gave it away."

Just then a third man came in. "How's your son?" they asked. "Turned out to be a homosexual," he said frowning. "Still, he's getting on OK. One of his boyfriends gave him a new BMW and another gave him a luxury apartment."

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This man walks home from work. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the man said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"The man said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.

We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The man said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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Printer Jam - Printer Jam - Printer Jam - Printer Jam - Printer Jam - Printer Jam

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The fucking funeral director," said his wife.

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Once again that pretty much wraps up another update. Hope you've enjoyed reading through it as much as I did being chained to the computer putting it all together. Make sure you tune back in next week to check out Elle MacPherson's little sister Mimi playing with herself on camera. Eye opening to say the least.

Anyways until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to go check out why these guys have all the fun. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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