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May 2005...
orsmupdate 2005.05.26-22.17
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Welcome to Orsmnet. Delivered piping hot.

I always like being able to start the update on a positive note so let's go with: I'm having a damn good week! No particular reason why, just been one of those weeks where nothing has broken, no one has annoyed me and everything has gone to plan. I live for these weeks. I have been slightly stressed though... I've got a mountainous workload at the moment and I always get a little ancy when I don't think I can handle it. The result has been sleepless a couple of nights - the kind where you try and sleep but your brain is moving too fast to let you.

I've started to get busy with some packing. I'm not too sure if I am jumping the gun with four weeks up my sleeve but it will stress me out if I don't know what's ahead so better to start now than have to worry about it later. I did notice that I have accumulated more crap than I originally thought. I now know why the dark recesses of cupboards were invented...

Moving on... I was thinking about shit I'm not particularly going to miss after I'm gone from this place. One thing I've learnt is the closer you are to the city the crazier the people are whereas out in the 'burbs it's a lot more sedate. Topping the list would have to be some of the following:

The psycho woman: directly over the road there's a family with two kids. The thing about the wife is that she always seems to be screaming her tits off at them... and I don't mean raised voice - I'm talking full fledged bottom of the lungs action. I don't think she particularly likes me either. She pretends like I'm not there... something I think is mostly attributable to the dog barking which they cop the full brunt of. Suck to be them I suppose...

The trolley dumper: this old bloke lives in what we call the 'heroin flats' next door. Every time I see him coming I duck so as to avoid talking to him. He speaks slowly and about the most irrelevant shit you can imagine [sort of like what you are reading now...]. Anyway, a couple of times a week he walks up to the supermarket and does his groceries. For his stroll back he nabs one of their trolleys. I hear it being wheeled my way so I jump up to catch him in the act but by the time I make it the five metres out the door he has magically vanished leaving only the trolley on our lawn.

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The weirdo: I don't know this guys name, he doesn't speak much and he walks past up to 20 times a day always in a rush. He does have some sort of mental problem but I haven't quite figured out what it is. The weirdo has this unique paedophilic way of saying 'hallo Shiela' to the dog [Milla] whilst he's patting her and she's barking at him. It's not uncommon to spot this oddball along the street at 3am wearing shorts, an open dressing gown and no shoes whilst going through bins.

Telemarketers: our home phone number must be listed on every fucking list there is. On average its one call a night usually from some Indian guy or chick trying to sell me a mobile phone. I'm mostly polite to them and poke fun until they realise and say goodbye. I had a good one the other day from a lady collecting donations. She starts off with: "Hi I'm Linda from the WA Deaf Society..." I interrupted with "what was that sorry?" I don't think she got the joke - she repeated herself and proceeded into a non-stop tree minute spiel about buying raffle tickets.

Mormons: never make the mistake of accepting anything from these guys. They will come back continually to talk with you and you'll find yourself hiding in your bedroom, pretending you aren't home...

The cock smoker with noisy exhaust: I think this retard has mates who live at the heroin flats. I've seen them doing some dodgy shit in the car park which I can only imagine is in some way drug related. Anyway, several times a week he pulls out of the alley way, turns past my house and plants it. Imagine a bashed up piece of four cylinder shit with no exhaust and a smiling fuck stain behind the wheel thinking he is 'da man' then multiply that by how gay Elton John is and you will understand my hate for him.

That'll do for the moment. Unfortunately the list of weirdo's and annoyances doesn't end there but it's a good indication of what I am subject to working from home. Anyway let's get on with the update shall we...

IdleBabes has gotten raunchier. I know what you're thinking: "Is that possible?" Yes, my friend it is. Check out Miss Onion Booty in two clips here and here. And there's lots more where that came from too. All their videos and galleries are 100% free. You can even download zipped versions of the galleries, and the movies in wmv format!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Who said IdleRiot can't be sexy too? You can't tell me this blonde riding hard doesn't get YOU hard. What about this busty nun? That's right, we show stuff like that. And there's lots more on IdleRiot too. Here's a tip, click here to see some of the sexiest things there :) Go ahead, check it out, search around... I'm sure you'll be impressed.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Star Wars Boogie - Tony Danza Owned - Best Ass Ever - Teen Strips On Cam - Naughty Liv Tyler

Bum Vs Skater - Insane KungFu - Laced Up - Wild Raven - Blonde Babe Shows Her Bits

A woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop. With them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut up!!!!"

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Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "panty stitcher, I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs". The clerk looked up 'panty stitcher' on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave Paddy $80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation, he replied, "diesel fitter". Since 'diesel fitter' was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 dollars a week.

When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk explained, 'panty stitchers' are unskilled and 'diesel fitters' are skilled labour. "What skill?" yelled Paddy "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."

We all know how fast motor bikes are right? We've all seen them go past us at a millions miles an hour. And we all know how fast Porsche's are and the same applies to jets although I won't bother talking about that because it's a no brainer. So which one is fastest? This week's feature vid is extremely fucking cool - what do you think would happen if we lined these 3 bad boys up against each other? The results may surprise you! Check it...

- Top Speed Challenge: Bike Vs Porsche Vs Jet -

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A priest and his assistant went golfing on a beautiful afternoon. On the third hole, the wind picked up, hauling the priest's drive way into the woods. "Goddamn wind!", the priest said. His assistant was shocked but decided to bite his tongue and pretend like he never heard the priest's foul word.

At the eighth hole, another gust of wind lifted the priest's ball 50 yards to the left, straight into the lake. "Goddamn wind!" the priest said again. Again his assistant's mouth dropped at this second profanity. The assistant just couldn't accept this. He walked up to the priest and said with the utmost respect: "Father, I believe this is the second time you've committed a blasphemy. It would not be well seen if word got out that you used such language." "You are right, my son." the priest said. "I am sorry and I will make an effort to control myself."

Eighteenth hole and shot 71. The priest had ended up playing an excellent game, despite the few 'irregularities'. He drives it hard and straight. A fantastic rush of air displaces the ball completely, sending it flying, never to be found again. "GODDAMN WIND!" the priest yelled.

Just as the assistant started walking towards the priest to talk to him again, a powerful bolt of lightning cracked open the skies and struck the poor guy, killing him instantly. Upon seeing this, the priest fell to his knees in tears, praying the mercy of God Almighty: "O Lord, why him? It is I who has offended you. He has served you well all his life, only to be killed so uselessly. Why him, Lord, why him?" Thunder rolled among the clouds and a mighty voice answered: "Goddamn Wind!"

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Hammered - Hammered - Hammered - Hammered - Hammered - Hammered

Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

I would have to say that the best thing about having my own servers to run the site is that I don't have to pay for email. The onslaught from you guys this week was enough to keep the team at the local sheltered work shop busy 24/7. The OverFlow returns also and can be found here. That said, if you'd like to send something my way, show me your tits or slap together a nice abusive email then you may wanna click here so I get it.

brandon wrote:
Subject: Iraqi Sniper
Just saw the Iraqi Sniper video and my stomach started to hurt. I realized I needed to take a shit but I didn't have a Koran laying around to wipe with so I guess I will wait. I can only hope that every one of those redheaded Mohammad cock-sucking motherfuckers are killed and sent straight to fucking hell.

Chappo wrote:
Subject: Re: Evan
Dear Evan, Grab hold of your foreskin and pull it back over your head - you will then resemble the dickhead that you are! Yours lovingly, Chappo.

elton dunn wrote:
Subject: puller posts
in response to this evan bloke, this is what we call a dickhead in aus, im sure he realises this [but in his case i don't think he knows]check out some other sites on the net and i think youl find ORSM rules, and if u find a better one please stay there and post your wanker comments on them. ok enough time on him, been veiwing your site for a few years now and it's allways a laugh, alot of people love your site and look forward to it every week! and most people know youve goto make something for your troubles, and ive seen changes but it doesn't stop me,i keep comeing back!!....

Tom wrote:
Subject: I really don't know about this..
Here in the US we have a thing called Megan's Law. It says that sex offenders must register with the local police, and their picture and location must be made available to the public. Someone found this gem from the great state of Ohio. Other intersting facts about Ohio: In 1879, Cleveland became the first city to be lighted by electricity. Cleveland also had the first traffic light in 1914. Ohio was the birthplace of many U.S. presidents, including Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley, William Howard Taft, and Warren G. Harding. Oberlin College, founded in 1833, was the first college in the United States to admit women. In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. The state song of Ohio is "Beautiful Ohio".

Neil Cairns wrote:
Subject: Hail Pics
A pic of what Uni looked like after the hail on Thursday night.

We're already copping it from every angle this winter. Bring on global warming... -Orsm

click to enlarge

adam wrote:
Subject: Liv Tyler
Hi Again. Thanks for posting my Britney fake. It'll be interesting to see if any other sites now use it! Anyway, here's a Liv Tyler fake I did a while back that seemed to give a few people a laugh. Hope you like it :)

click to enlarge

Benny Kegger wrote:
Subject: Rat nuts
Dear Orsm, As I'm typing this, I'm straddling a nice cold can of beer. Let this serve as a warning to other guys who are curious about this. Do NOT exceed the recommended amount of time on the bottle of Nair. All it will do is leave you with burned, dried up, wrinkly rat testicles. I've attached a picture. Those red spots are where the Nair burned through my skin. It feels like I've run my nuts across a cheese grater.

click to enlarge

a# wrote:
Subject: this koreanish car building guys
hi orsm, first of all: GREAT SITE. love it!!!!!!!!! the story behind the picture is, that i friend of mine is working for a motorsport newspaper. he was testing this car from korea and make some pics..... i love this car-building guys for this!! maybe i will sell my volkswagen (on ebay?) to buy a rexton....

click to enlarge

Phil wrote:
Subject: Thumb
Hey Mr. Orsm, long time reader first time mailer here... Just thought you might like this picture of my brothers thumb, looks kind of painful, although it's not nearly as bad as some other nasty injuries I've seen, but some people might enjoy it for some odd reason.

click to enlarge

Braddles wrote:
Subject: Perth Storm
Pics from the storm that hit Perth last weekend (May 22nd).

Was quite an impressive show. More of Brad's pics here. -Orsm. -Orsm

click for gallery

Omar wrote:
Subject: From Bucharest...
Hi Orsm, i like to watch your site and i think u could use these pic for your site. I'm from Italy and i recive these pic from Bucarest where live a friend of mine. This Car was hit by a tram. i think the driver was die but i'm not sure about it. U still the best. Ciao a tutti

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vitriol wrote:
Subject: Concept car
Hey Mr. Orsm, Long time listener, first time caller - I found a few pictures of a concept car that made me drool, so I thought I'd share the love. Great site - If I was a girl, I'd ask you to be the father of my child. But, I'm not. Sucks :( I want bewbies...

click for gallery

Jansen wrote:
Subject: Brakpan limo or is it Springs ?
Hi Mr Orsm, Thanks for posting my moaning and groaning on your previous update! I received these pics in my mail today. I have no idea who took them, but they are surely tsaking the mickey out of these 2 towns.

click for gallery

GeenPunt wrote:
Subject: cool site dude
first of all: i love your site! Here are some of the pics i have taken from cams that where open to view on YahooMessenger. I hope you like them and will put them on your site :-) and if you want.. i go lots more of them ;-)

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Simmo wrote:
Subject: Bakery Advertisment
Hey Orsm, Saw an ad for an American bakery the other day, thought you might be interested. The deal was that you buy a hamburger and you get a free TART!!!!

click to enlarge

Mark wrote:
Subject: Paris Hilton Burger ad
Didn't know if you had found this yet, Paris Hilton ad for Carls Jr Burgers.

Paris never disapoints does she.... -Orsm

click to watch vid

fretwekk wrote:
Subject: funny video of country rugby league
here's a vid that your nsw/qld viewers might enjoy.. its taken from the footy show 2003 dvd

Tragic. -Orsm

click to watch vid

Dee wrote:
Subject: basketball clip
You have to check this clip out. I got it as a forward the other day and thought it would be fitting for your site. Soon people are gonna be dubbing rookies 'the next lebron james'. Hope you enjoy.

I can do that... I just don't like to show off... -Orsm

click to watch vid
Matt wrote:
Subject: GUMBALL RALLY 2005
Hey Mr Orsm, I've been reading you site for a fair few years now and always look forward to an update. Finally I have something suitably "Orsm" to send in. The Gumball Rally kicked off in London this year and I was there to get some mpeg's of the motors flying around, attached is a Porsche Carrera GT laying down some rubber on London's Pall Mall.
click to watch vid
Jane M wrote:
Subject: yesterday's storm in BrisVegas
Check these photos out. I'd have to say it's the biggest electrical storm i've ever seen.
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

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A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No shit", replied the boy, "who'd she play for?"

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A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210kmph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a nice day sir and drive carefully."


The surprises I have in store for you guys this week may be many, they may be few, but there definitely will be...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young Layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to make sure the eggs were fertile. John kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of John's time so John got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a Politician. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them.

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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she looked at Sally and said "Good trade."

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Time for me to make like a tree and leaf. I hope you guy's got something out of this weeks update. It would be a shame to think that all you did was waste time and look at porn. Be sure that I will return next week with a bigger, fatter update for you perusing pleasure.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and save Schapelle! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.05.19-22.46
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Welcome to Orsmnet. Environmentally friendly, ecologically sound and ozone safe since before it was cool to be.

What a crazy week. Shit has been moving at light speed with all this house stuff. Yes, prepare yourselves as I bore you with more tales of what's been going on with me and my soon to be new homestead...

It's starting to feel like a case of so much to do but so little time. I've lost track of how many phone calls I've made to various people getting info or finding out what I'm supposed to be doing next. Add to that my brain has been working overtime conjuring ideas which lead to questions which, after I find an answer, leads to more ideas and more questions again. It's a viscous phone bill menacing cycle.

I've been scheming with ways to put my own stamp on the place - give it that personal touch and bring it into this century. The current owners have been there for over 30 years so we're talking some pretty unstylish old people décor to deal with. Thankfully nothing is so disgusting that a coat of paint and some creative thinking won't fix. I'm definitely looking forward to sinking my teeth into it and making use of all these skills I am supposed to have gained in my five years as a cabinetmaker...

At the moment I have three or four separate lists going. First one is stuff that I need to get - bits and pieces like a vacuum cleaner, ironing board and a rake to name a few. Over the years I've accrued just about everything I need [got to love hand me downs!] so hopefully I won't have to thrash my credit card too hard.

The next list I have going is all about the stuff I want to do to the place. We grabbed the camera and took some in and out shots last weekend so I can work out where my stuff is going to go and what's getting renovated first. This comes back to what I was saying about having a head full of questions and ideas however I am trying hard to restrain myself here - I don't want to go overboard when I aren't going to be there more than a couple of years.

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My next little list is everything I need to get done in the next few weeks. Change of address, getting my phone and internet connected, water, electricity, gas... the whole kit and caboodle. It doesn't end there though... I need to get the place I'm currently at presentable and spotless so I can hand the keys back to the landlord and get our full bond back.

I have managed to get a crap load of stuff done already though. On the contract to buy we stated that the sale was subject to a termite and building inspection. I had the termite guy meet us there Wednesday and my old man did the building inspection at the same time. Thankfully both passed with flying colours so I shouldn't have to worry about it falling down in a hurry. The bank sent some guy to do a property evaluation too. Basically if they think we paid too much then it would make life just that much harder but it ended up being valued at exactly what we paid. Looks like we did pretty well.

I've got to admit that whilst there's been a tonne of stuff to take care of everything thus far has been a piece of cake. All the fucking around in the past few months trying to get my shit in order was well worth the hassle. Now it's just a matter of sit back and do everything at my own pace with out a stressful mad dash to bring it all together. Its times like this I am grateful for being a painful annoyance unto myself.

Moving on... I was looking back through the archives to around this time last year and realised it's been almost 12 months of weekly updates. I'm pretty sure the only week I missed was the one between Christmas and New Years. Not a bad effort if I do say so and especially considering its twice as many as previous years. Anyway just a little forewarning - I may use this 51 updates in 52 weeks as an excuse to give myself a week or two off around house move in date towards the end of June. Actually I can almost say with some certainty that I will be hitting some downtime so all I ask is no complaining about lack of updates!

I got a message the other day from one of my bud's telling me if I didn't link his site this week then he was going to kick my ass. After I stopped cowering, gained composure and returned from hiding under my bed I explained how much I valued my life and that I would do everything I could to get you guy's to check out Beer & Shots. So what are you waiting for!? Click here!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

If you've never visited IdleRiot before, now would definitely be the time to do so. They've just launched a new sleeker version of their site, and some pretty cool media to match! They've got sexy videos, cool games, and HOT pictures! WTF are you waiting for? Go Riot!

I can never decide between one reality sex site and the next, I wish there was a way to get more bang for my indecisive buck. Never fear, All Network Pass is here! It's a passport to paradise that won't be confiscated when you're caught smuggling a big sausage down you're pants.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Dave Chapelle - Power Drill - Dancing Kid - Sophie Marceau Slip - Big Reds Tight Pussy - Stripping For Votes

Amazing Crash - Sidewalk Mosh - Britney Spears Isn't This Slutty! - Paris Loves Big Meat

One day mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So, she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think spanking him is going to do any good."
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
The other night i was in a bar and this guy walked in and sat down beside me. He said "you know, I can have sex with any woman in this bar". "Really?" I replied, "how are you gonna pull that off?". "Coz I'm a rapist." he beamed.

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A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked toward the Democrat, who jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me - I'm collecting disability."

click here for more

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition.

He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape". "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house and show it off. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says and in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks - dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. 'Her Mum's kinda cute', he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mum and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realises it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."


I can only really make assumptions about this vid because not only is the quality shit-house but there's not a whole lot of English being spoken. Anyway it looks like some Iraqi snipers have taken a camera with them and gone out shooting what appear to be US soldiers. I've seen far more graphic vids around the place but at the end of the day it's another one of those 'realities of war' things that should remind us this shit is wrong. Check it...

- Iraqi Snipers -

click here for more

Two drug dealers are being prosecuted in court. The judge gives the two an option. They can either go to jail for life or they have to get an admirable amount of other drug dealers to give up the drug trafficking. The both choose to stop other drug dealer's form selling. Court is adjourned for two weeks. After the two weeks pass the two dealers appear before the judge. The judge asks one how many did you get to stop selling? The dealer replies that he stopped 100 dealers from selling again. The judge asked how? The first dealer replied that he drew two circles on the ground in front of the 100 sellers. One very large and one very small. He pointed to the big one and said,"This is your brain before drugs!", then pointed to the small one and said," This is your brain after drugs!"

A very interesting technique replied the judge. The judge ruled the first dealer free to go. He then proceeded to ask the second dealer how many dealers he got to quit. The second one said he got 1000 dealers to stop selling and give up a life of crime. The judge being astounded frantically asked him how he accomplished this goal. "Well", the second dealer said, "I drew two circles two, one big and one small." "I then pointed to the small circle and said This is your Butt hole before jail, and then pointed to the large circle and said This is your Butt hole after jail."

click here for more

Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

The Overflow returns this week due to the email from you guys coming in faster than I can post it on the site. Make sure you check it out - there's a tonne of good stuff to be found. For everyone else, if you have something you'd like to say, something cool you wanna send my way or simply care to make my day and show me your boobs then you may do so here.

Evan wrote:
Subject: sell out
I've been looking at your site since the beginning and in the last few years you have really become a sell out poser. From the old days of the "cool guy next door" feel, you've changed into a X rated Ralph magazine and you sicken me. I thought you were cool man. Your content looks like reconstituted horse shit with a glossy cover, and it's always the fucking same. I'm sick of hearing about your pathetic life exploits. Nobody gives a rats cunt about your new house or your wannabe pimp car. Just get some decent content (that I haven't seen elsewhere) and post more often. What the fuck is this, now that you got sponsorship you just sit back and let the pennies fly in while we the consumer pay your bandwith?

I usually ignore crap like this because it's mostly just some moron trying to get a ride but I will say what I have always said - if you don't like it then you're more than welcome to click that little X at the top of your screen and move on. -Orsm

Roger wrote:
Subject: Calories and calories
Hi Orsm. I wish your explanation of how eating a cold desert really burns up calories was true, but alas it isn't. One food Calorie (capital "C") actually equals one thousand ordinary calories (small "c"). So eating the 1,200 Calorie desert (1,200,000 calories) results in a net gain of 1,193,784 calories (1,200,000 - 6,216). Sad, isn't it.

I got a few emails about this. I guess all there is to say is that Orsmnet should not be referred to as any sort of authority on nutritional advice. -Orsm

adam wrote:
Subject: britney fake
Here's a britney fake I did a while ago. A few weeks after I posted it on a fake forum it made a UK paper! I hope you like it :)

Awesome Photoshop job! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Bill wrote:
Subject: Crashed Ferrari
Dear Orsm, I got those pictures from a friend and thought that they definitely fit the stuff you like. The accident happened somewhere in Brasil some months ago. Just to have an idea, the other car, a 70's Ford Corcel, isn't worth more than US$ 300. The driver reportedly came out of the car shouting that "each one should pay for his own damages".

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

Aaron Simko wrote:
kick ass site, i alway check it on thursday, so help me got i can't wait till thursday. Any way i finally found somthing Original to post on your site. I work at wal mart and it sucks ass, i do what i can to make up for it. today i bought some reflective mail sign letters to put on my car, it was funny because i handed the guy the letters on by one. well i guess you can tell what my car is going to say... Party on

click to enlarge

Sir Bearcat wrote:
Subject: wife's picture as promised
Hey Orsm, As promised, another nudie of my wife. She photographed and Photoshopped this just to tease me. They're both her, but, I can fantasize!

God damn... if you guy's should ever break up please tell her she can contact me here! -Orsm

click to enlarge

mike wrote:
Subject: big brother
hey dude. dunno if this is old news or not, but the chick "michelle" in the big bro house, well she's some kinda exotic dancer chick.

It wouldn't be a BB without the token stripper in the house. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Adam wrote:
Subject: Same Person, Different Pictures?
Hello Mr. Orsm, Absolutely love your site for the women as much as the jokes. While browsing, I come across some disgusting crap, but this one seemed to be linked to another one in a later update. I believe that the man who took that monster crap happens to be the goatsex guy! Yeah, you didn't feel a thing, I bet you didn't you sick bastard. Keep up the good work and please take into consideration that some of us hate to see things like that ruin the beautiful women you have on there. Greetings From Los Angeles!

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pictures of my cross dressing "friend"
Hey Mr. Orsm, Love your site. The random shiite never ceases to amuse me. I just thought I'd share a few pictures of my friend Cody who had to cross dress for his Sociology class but took it way too far. He even has makeup and a toe ring on! Whadda fag.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Mario wrote:
Subject: Orsm
I have enjoyed you site for some time now but bare breasts, pussys and penises are so bland why can't we get more of these type of images.

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Gutter wrote:
Subject: chinese restaurants
Hey orsm, I've been checkin out your site for a while and i always wished i had something cool to contribute. I thought nothing is more hilarious than chinese restaurants with funny names. I just so happen to have been to a few, and not because i was looking for any with funny names either. Foo Kin is a place in cooperstown New York where the baseball hall of fame is. It's the only Chinese food place there, and it's not that bad. Big Wang is a place in China Town New York. We were just looking in Chinatown for a good place for Chinese food and lets just say this one jumped out at us. Their area code is 212 if anyone wants to prank them.

Bill Browne wrote:
Subject: Cyclone
Cyclone Ingrid Australia?

Something makes me think these aren't in Australia at all. Anyone able to clear this up? -Orsm

click for gallery

faithful female reader wrote:
Subject: Toilet Restaurant in Taiwan, funny pics
Hi Orsm! I love your site you so much!!! It's nice that you let us readers know about your life, I actually do read them. :) It shows that you are just a normal person like the rest of us. I think one thing that sets you apart from other blog type sites is that you have such a great personality. You don't just post random stuff and you don't have a creepy, morbid, or disturbed type of character like <removed> (although I'm sure it's all for show). And please, no more gross RS! Anyway, here's a funny set of pictures my friend sent me that you might like to see.

click for gallery

Kayne wrote:
Subject: check this shit out!
Hey ORSM, can you put this on your update, if you dont already have it. look at what she is pointing at........ check what her profile says..... you have to zoom to about 300% to read it but its a cracker!

Very funny. You guy's will need Adobe Acrobat [it's free] to view the file if you don't already. -Orsm

click to view

<with held> wrote:
Subject: West Aussie Cop
thought this will give all a laugh! This just had to make it onto the net !! I guess It happens to all of us at one stage.. :-)

Typical West Aussie cop - any oppurtunity to sit on his ass. By the way I am joking... you aren't ALL fat and lazy. Please don't arrest me... -Orsm

click to watch vid

Vince wrote:
Subject: new video
Glad to see you loved the last video, "tribute to the VR6", as many pple told me.. Well I was bored and did another one. Please visit EuroAdmiration.com to see more videos and talk to cool pple about european tuning.

click to watch vid

Tony wrote:
Subject: Cool moonwalking bird.
Hey Orsm, cool site, have been a keen follower for about a year now! Anyway, check out this link to see a moonwalking bird! It made me fall off my seat in tears!

That's the coolest thing I have ever seen... well maybe not THE coolest... but it's up there. -Orsm

click to watch vid
Click for more awesomeness

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" he asked. The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help," the man said.

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon, he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the police department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there!? Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago," the officer said.

click here for more

Two guys were walking along a deserted beach and bored to tears. The first guy says: "Hey, I have an idea. Let's split up. You walk as far as you can that way down the beach, and I'll walk as far as I can the other way down the beach. We'll meet here tomorrow and tell each other what we did. The other gentleman agreed and each man began walking in opposite directions down the beach.

The next day, they meet and the first guy says "So... Tell me about your day!" The second guy smiled and said: "Oh, I had a great one! I found a small little oasis with a pond and some cool grass and spent the day swimming and eating coconuts from a tree! What happened to you?

His friend laughed and said: "You're never going to believe it!! I walked about five miles up the coast and came to these train tracks. I walked down the tracks about a mile and found this girl with the most incredible body I've ever seen tied to the rails! I untied her and carried her to some grass nearby and we spent all day and night having the most incredible sex I've ever had! This girl was amazing! We did everything together!"

The other guy looked at his friend in amazement and asked him..."Everything?" "Everything!" he replied. "Did she suck your dick?" "Well... no... she didn't do that..." the man said with a sigh... "I couldn't find her head!"


There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped. Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick, my ass!"


What do I have for you guys this week you may be wondering? A flotilla of randomness. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air and under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?" The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one. The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the fukin' thing about half an hour ago."

click here for more


Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "Okay," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!" So tell me this," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

click here for more

Well once again its time to wind another update to a close. Hopefully I've managed to drag at least some of you away from something you were supposed to be doing and, god willing, I will do the same again come this time next week. For the record - don't ask me why but I had a lot of fun putting this update together. Why can't they all be like this!?

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and stay out of the cold. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.05.12-19.45
click here for more

Welcome to Orsmnet. Getting your groove on for quite some time now.

What a week. As usual it's passed in a blink of the eye but so much has happened since I last wasted your time with rantings of my life. For starters I have been sick as a rabid dog. Gotta love the flu huh? To answer the question I have been asked at least 30 times now "no, I did not go to the doctors". I don't trust them, they always tell you the same shit when you have the flu and I'm proficient in the art of fast self healing. The other question I got on several occasions was "did you get a flu shot this year?". I would have thought the answer to that one was kind of obvious but no...

I actually felt the damn thing coming on late last week although it was pretty mild so I didn't worry too much. Saturday night is where I fucked myself - we were out on the town on what was a semi-chilly evening and I was in trousers and a t-shirt. I guess a jacket would have been a smarter option because the next day I woke up feeling so bad that the first thing I did was look for something to kill myself with.

I started to get over it last night after being in a similar state all week long. Pretty annoying really - most of Monday and Tuesday were spent with every intention of working on this weeks update but my brain was just at a complete standstill. Let's not forget sore joints and muscles, chesty phlegm filled cough, blocked nose and at times pounding head ache. I think what I'm trying to say here is if you're someone I don't like then this is the flu for you.

Anyway onto everything else. I'm happy to announce that my long and frustrating search for a house is finally over. That's right - my brother and I are now the proud owners of our very own place. I grabbed the news paper on Friday night as I do every week and had a scan through the list of suburbs I've been searching in and came across a small ad for a little place that sounded just about perfect.

click here for more

Saturday morning rolls around, I catch up with the old man and because him and his other half are headed that way I get them to do a drive-by. An hour later he gives me a buzz and says the house looks half decent and to get my ass over there for a look. So off I go...

Because they weren't having a home open I called the agent and organised a time to have a look which ended up being that afternoon. I rustled parents, my brother and a mate and we all rocked up around 4pm to see what it was like. First impressions were that this place is old but in excellent condition for its age. Criteria #1 met. Next was block size and how much backyard there was for the dog. Perfect so criteria #2 met. After that it was just a matter of discussing it to get everyone's opinion and make a decision.

A few minutes later we were inside with the agent ready to make an offer. I should point out that for some people finding a house and having an offer on it half an hour later may seem a little rushed but it had to be done like that. The demand for properties like this one around this area is sky high and they usually sell within 3 days of being listed. In other words we didn't have the luxury of time and fucking around on our side.

This time around was a whole lot better than my last experience a month or so back too. There were no games, no imaginary bidders and no bullshit. We told the agent what we wanted to pay, he told us what the owners wanted and we met half way without having to counteroffer each other all day long. Barr the paper work we had a deal in around 3 minutes.

Funnily enough I'm less excited about the fact I have a place to call my own than I am about being able to dedicate my Saturdays to something else. It was driving me crazy having to look at one piece of crap after another. In future I'll be able to put my energy towards more useful stuff like painting, stripping hideous wallpaper, dog-proofing the house and finally setting up the ultimate home office I've always wanted. Wish me luck I can make all this work...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

If you've never visited idleriot before, now would definitely be the time to do so. They've just launched a new sleeker version of their site, and some pretty cool media to match! They've got videos with nothing BUT boobs, naked chicks doing stupid shit, not to mention girls with big tits, girls with round asses, and sexy celebrities! WTF are you waiting for? Go Riot!

She likes to slip her toe into her girlfriend's freshly mowed patch since she says she likes getting her feet wet before she dives right in. At any rate, that gives the term pussy footing around a whole new meaning and I have to admit I like her turn of phrase better.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

What A Loser - Confidence - Hitch Hiker - Kamasutra - Naked Teens Making Out - Maxim Sluts

Take Down! - Fear Factor - Wrong - Wild Orgy Sex - Big Mexican Booty

A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Guy says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

click here for more

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered the money his parents gave him. "Hmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough? Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that liar!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

I initially found this quite disarming but you've gotta hand it to this young bloke. In this weeks featured vid we start off with a shot that looks like some kind of elaborate practical joke about to begin. Turns out its not a joke - the poor little bugger actually doesn't have arms AND is lining up for a swimming race. By the time I realised what was going on I fully expected him to fall in the pool and drown. How wrong I was. Check it...

- Pretty [H]armless -

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Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear beneath her dress! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, he went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, he confirmed that he's interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, he showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. He quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500!"

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

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Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

The mail bag has been brimming over with some awesome stuff this week however it's been a little on the quiet side compared to recent weeks. I'm assuming this is because all you bastards in the northern hemisphere are spending more time outside lapping up the onset of summer as opposed to sitting in front of the computer filling my inbox with stuff to keep me amused. What's wrong with you people? Anyway, if you have something cool, interesting or completely random that you think would fit well on the site you can drop me a line here.

Heart Attack Man wrote:
Subject: Letter in last update
Hey Orsm, One of your readers wrote in with a clip from a UK radio show about ordering chinese delivery and having two restaurants get confused by actually talking to each other. Just wanted to point out that the radio DJ that did this was blatantly copying a bit on the Howard Stern show here in the U.S.. And the original bit was much, much funnier. And the stupid DJ never even gives credit where it's due.

Very true. The Howard Stern version can be listened to right here. -Orsm.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: About the photo
Howdy! About this photo. I fail to see anything interesting in the photo. Is it supposed to be an optical illusion type of thing, where you cannot immediately see the "other" picture? Or is it some cultural thing that is only obvious to some people? Looks like just a face to me. I tried to rotate the photo to see if there was anything there, but it still looks like just a face. So whats the deal here?

Matt wrote:
Subject: Gook face
Mr. Orsm, Thanks for your great Website. I experienced the feeling of true heartbreak a couple years ago when you said you were leaving. You can't begin to imagine my happiness and appreciation that you kept the site going. You may have even saved a life! So, I have seen a similar sign in the good old U.S.of A and never having been to Korea, if you put some glasses on the chinese guy you have the Korean version of Col. Sanders, (see attch.) an American Icon. Do they serve chiken?

click to enlarge

dR!zZ wrote:
Subject: picts. of my gF
Hey Mr. Orsm!! what's good?? Been a fan of your site ever since you first started w/ the 'Priceless' pictures many moons ago! Funny how you give then so much FREE publicity and the fockers still want to slap you w/ a law suit. Love the vid. of the F1 Renault test!! Well here's the deal, my gF said that i could send you a picture to post [hee hee hee]. She never said which one . . so instead of guessing i'll send you four. Pick one!! ummm why not post them all!! keep up the phenomenal work.

click to enlarge

Maxi wrote:
Subject: Hi Again!
Hi Orsm, I sent you some pics a while back and you were nice enough to put them on the site so I thought you might like to see this. I recently won the Guinness record for World's Largest Augmented Breasts. Wild, isn't it? Thanks for all the interesting things you do to make your site fun, I look forward to each update. Keep up the good work!

Great stuff. More of Maxi here too. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: roomie gets drunk
hey bud, ive been a fan of your site for over a year now, love the random shit parts, and the mail sent to you parts! please keep my email info off your site, thanks just thought that i would share with you these pics i took last night after hitting the clubs downtown with my roomie! this is what happens when my roomie gets drunk! now dont get me wrong but who am i to turn down a bj?

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Trev wrote:
Subject: These images are used in a french advertising campaign against AIDS !!!
Hey Orsm. 2 pics sent to me about a aids campaingn in France... I also found this quicktime movie for aids awareness in France so it must be a big issue there... thought you'd enjoy sharing ... its just under 12 mb but a good movie

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MJ wrote:
Subject: pics of jalapeno eating contest !
Hello Mr. Orsm, First of all, I must say hats off to you sir, Love your website! My girl and I stopped at this Mexican Restaurant On Cinco de Mayo to eat and watch a hot pepper eating contest. This guy we know said for us to stop by and see the action. Well we saw the action up close. Drink a lot of beer; eat a bunch of Jalapeno's then barf on the judge and the beer girl. He lost! What a goof!
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Travis wrote:
Subject: wtf?
G'day Orsm. Mate i got the original off your site, i didnt even remove your tag

What's wrong with a bit of shaven haven? -Orsm

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click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Only in South Africa... Cnr Jan Smuts Avenue and Bompass Street Rosebank
This is how affirmative action has affected South Africa. I agree, give the previously disadvantage a fair chance, but do not discount the other people in the country. I can have a bloody fit, if they blame everthing on "apartheid" Whoopee fucking doo. It came to a fall more than a decade ago. If they can just realise things will not change overnight. It is going to take @ least a generation before things in this wonderful country will change. Same with the bloody transformation in sport. Why does the god damn government have to interfere in sport, they should worry about politics, crime etc. not fuckin sport. I am an avid follower of your country's sport achievements. Reason why I am bitching about this is you have a helluva following in this country and I am sure the other people feel exactly the same way.

Paul wrote:
Subject: pics you may want to post!!!!
Here are some pics of my neighbour. Every day he goes walking up the street in what looks like WOMENS underwear... That is, until the police ended up on his doorstep! He lives on Wilfred Street, Bargara QLD!

DAD!!? -Orsm

click for gallery
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Evo 8 FQ320 Crash
Dear Orsm, Many congrats on the site... please find attached a close shave I had a few months ago with my Dad. I have a love of road going rally cars and couldn't resist a ride in a then brand new Evo 8 I was offered at a local dealer during an open weekend. Seeing myself or my father wouldn't have the first clue how to drive a car with 320 bhp safely, we were chauffeured by another gent - this involved firstly going down a hill at over 100mph and then through some turns at over 90mph to show us how good the car was at staying put on the black stuff. Not so. The "professional" lost the back end, over corrected and bounced us off a hedge back into the oncoming traffic. Amazingly, no harm done to us apart from stiff backs and the odd bruise (well built cars, those Mitsubishis) but masses of egg on face for him and one sorry looking car - it only had 150 miles on the clock and was worth 32 grand!

click for gallery

Eric Gonzales wrote:
Subject: Hey Orsm are some pictures of the new Ford GT40 at my work...
Hey Mr. Orsm, I've been reading for a long time and wanted to see if I could get something on your site. I thought you would enjoy these pictures too of the new Ford GT40 we just got in at my work. The car retails for somewhere around $153k, but is being sold to the highest bidder. Today (05-04-05) the price was at $230k. Only 2500 of these cars are being made, I guess that's the reason for the pricetag. Anyways, thought it would be cool to see these on your site. Just a quick story... another one of our dealerships in Atlanta, Georgia got one of the GT40s. The used car manager was delivering the car to the dealership and lost control of the car and wrapped it around a telephone pole... needless to say, he is out of a job. What a car to wreck though, huh?! Thanks, enjoy!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: this girl keeps sending me naked pics part
first time sending in things. this girl keeps sending me naked pics... ewww post them if you want dont show my e-mail. or name.

Nastiest shit I have seen. Look closely at some of the pics and you'll see what I mean. -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: funny japanese vid
This links to a vid of a Japanese pop group Morning Musume. They're a bunch of coddled 12-17 yr old singers that get virtually no real life experience. Here they aren't expecting to see a scary movie, nor the guy that pops out of the tv. The movie they're shown is the original Ring. Scary as fuck if you can understand Japanese.

click to watch vid
click to watch vid click to watch vid

John Luscombe wrote:
Subject: A video for you
Attached is a video of my Sierra Cosworth on it's way to a 176mph run down the main runway of a local proving ground. I didn't quite beat my previous best of 186mph. Not bad from a 4 cylinder Ford!! This was done on racing slicks in the rain - a bit hairy at times but great fun. The car was down on it's usual 490bhp on the day and I ended up blowing two pistons a couple of hundred yards from the speed trap on the final run - still managed 155mph on that run though! The strange 'chattering' noise is the dump valve on the turbo as I'm feathering the throttle. Also is attached a lovely sounding Ferrari out playing on the same day. The crest of the hill is 1 mile from the camera and you can still hear it. Turn up the volume and enjoy!

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an inhabited island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything!"


As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet. Happy eating!


More random than random number generation... not nearly as clean and undisturbing though...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Top ten questions to ask yourself before camping out to see the latest Star Wars movie:

10. Why don't I have anything better to do?
9. How many Wookiees does my tent sleep?
8. Will it be more fun than when I camped out to see 'Miss Congeniality 2'?
7. Exactly when did I give up on doing anything meaningful with my life?
6. Will I be teased by roving gangs of Trekkies?
5. If I use all my vacation days now, how will I take that trip to ice planet Hoth?
4. Does Starbucks let guys dressed as galactic bounty hunters use their bathroom?
3. I wonder how many other guys on line are named 'Shecky'?
2. Should I just pay the extra dollar and use Moviefone?
1. If I had a girlfriend, what would she think?

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At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker" "Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you sir that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?" "That's the one." "Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well... what did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?" "Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?""Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."

"What the...!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???" "For the funeral." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!" "Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."

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Well this has got to be a personal record for me. I can't remember the last time I cranked out an update this early but I doubt there will be any complaints. On the other hand you can never tell with some of you guy's. All it will really mean is that everyone can start slacking off for the day a bit earlier than usual.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and keep in mind that the cure for being a loser is suicide. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.05.05-23.59
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Welcome to Orsmnet. Designated: too ambiguous.

It's tried holding out as long as possible but I think what ever it is that's left of summer is almost all gone. Okay sure, according to the calendar we're well in to autumn at the moment but the seasons have changed over the years - they begin later and I'm pretty sure there's more winter than there used to be. This past summer was far too short and we had more humid days than hot ones and as well all know, excess humidity is gayer than playing with another guy's dick.

Thankfully the rain hasn't really started yet. Most weekends haven't been completely rained out so you can still go and do outdoors stuff. That actually reminds me... last Sunday we had a bash at botanical golf. Basically just mini-golf surrounded by lots of plants and trees. I'll chalk that up to one more of those things that I haven't done for years and never seem to think of when there's nothing else to do. Good fun though.

I finally got my car back yesterday. The door is fixed done, suspension is sorted and new tyres go on tomorrow. The only joy to come from all this is that my wallet is now substantially lighter when I put it in my pocket. I'm now taking bets on what will break next. At the moment the gearbox is slated to sweep the pool but it'll probably tie with diff, exhaust and ECU but whatever happens someone will be losing money they don't want to.

Aside from that there aint a hell of a lot going on although I am looking forward to this weekend. Friday nite is booked to be a quiet one. I'm going to sit on my ass and catch up on the latest episode of Lost and maybe even whip out the BMX Bandits DVD I bought a few weeks back. Saturday is going to be a bit more full on. Hopefully I can drag myself out of bed by 9 and down to get a haircut because at the moment I'm borderline feral... okay I'm probably always borderline feral but no point encouraging it.

After that I need to do some shopping. The thing about shopping is that I fucking hate doing it. I despise every aspect of the entire process and to make matters worse I need to catch up on at least 4 [that I can think of] late birthday presents so you may say I am quadruple fucked. If only I didn't feel bad giving someone a gift voucher shit would just be that much easier...

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Once [read: if] shopping is out of the way the obligatory Saturday house hunting will follow. You can be sure this will be an hour or so of driving around from one disappointment to another leaving me feeling somewhat disgruntled at my predicament and angry at the world. Funny thing is I never thought it would be this hard. I was convinced that I would find a house the first weekend I started looking and then spend the next few weeks trying to prove to the bank I do have the capacity to pay back a loan. Thus far it's been the exact opposite.

If all is still going to plan then its shooting time and as I've managed only one shoot this year I'm hanging out for it in a big way. There's nothing that quite says "I'm all powerful" like unloading a pump-action shotgun into a defenseless paper target and for this I yearn...

By this stage of the day it will probably be late afternoon so home for a quick nap to recharge the batteries as the nite ahead is destined to be a big one. For the first time in years we're headed out on the town for a proper boy's nite. No chicks or girlfriends for anyone to behave for - just us, alcohol and a whole lot of irresponsible drinking. I think the last time I had a big nite was Easter weekend so I'm definitely due...

Pretty much all of it hinges on waking up at a normal time Saturday morning [which is a long shot]. I've been bad lately - I don't/can't sleep until well after 3am and don't wake up until 10ish. I blame my old man for this because I had to do a 4am airport run for him a couple of weeks back and I have been out of whack ever since. I need to retrain myself back to normal[ish] before it becomes too much of a habit again. I was trying to work out the other day how on earth I used to manage 7am starts when I used to have a real job - took me a while but eventually it occurred to me that every single day I was at least 45 minutes late. Some things never change...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Admit it, you need a break. All this porn has you sore and cramped. So while you're recouping why not entertain yourself with some funny media & cool games? What happens when a man dresses as a zebra in the savannah? This guy uses too much lighter fluid on his bonfire... What would happen if the whole world mated? Now that you're almost ready to wank again, take a gander at the future of male sex toys! Only at IdleRiot folks...

It doesn't matter if you're black or white as long as you're young and fine. Yeah, I know you see people not colours, but sometimes nothing is more inspiring than watching two worlds come together, if you know what I mean? Who knew combining black with white, gives you cream?

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Bloody Idiot - Sexual Harassment - KL Toilets - Keyra Augustina's Ass - Babes In Lingerie

Spring Break Girls - Guy Vs Gang - STI/ATV - Wild Lesbians - Playboy Model

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

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A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."

He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again..."

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A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The bar tender says, "What would you like Sir?" The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer." He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying." "That will be $12.65" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $12.65.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "What'll it be today?" says the bartender. "Double whisky on the rocks" says the man. He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?" "I'll join him in a double whisky" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying" says the cat. "That will be $21.95" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $21.95.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "Excuse me" the bartender says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well" says the man, "when my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy some-thing I would have the exact change in my pocket". "That's brilliant" says the bartender. "You'll never ever run out of money".

What else did you ask for?" "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy."


'Really big boobies' probably best sums up this week's video. Don't ask me where it came from or what these people were thinking when they strapped very obviously fake jubblies to themselves but its freaky. Okay they'd probably be some fun to play with for a couple of hours but straight after that it would be back to freaky. Check it...

- Girl Power -

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

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Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

Some cool shit in this weeks Reader mail. I'd love to know how many hours I killed sorting through it all. Actually I'd love to know how many hours I've spent checking my email this year alone... or in the last 5 years... or in my life EVER! Anyway, if you want to see your stuff on the site, have an opinion or harbour a desire to tell me to kill myself then you may do so right here.

Jaymz wrote:
Subject: short memory's!
gday orsm just a recent conversion to your site , stumbled in about 6 months ago , anyway to the point. this drug smuggling business going down in Bali at the moment concerning fellow Aussies , it makes me laugh to think that the majority of our fellow countryman feel that the death penalty is so far off in the distance and is inconcievable. i bet "Barlow and Chambers" would not share those feelings if they were here now and i bet they're family's also would have graver reservations on the current life expectancy of our 10 drug felons in southern Asia. I also feel it is kind of sad and ironic that not a mention of the 2 men executed for heroin smuggeling has been mentioned in the press, what has it been mr. orsm around 20 years and it was in Thailand was it not. keep up the good work.

Michael Corio wrote:
Subject: Hey Dude
Just cruising around your website and I've noticed that there is not one single pic of Mr.Orsm. We all know some things about you ( your car, Aussie background etc.) yet no photo of the webmaster himeself. Not that I'm a homo or anything but a cool pic would be nice.

That's not entirely true. I'm on the site in a couple of places but I like to keep a low profile offline which is why I don't make a big deal about it. -Orsm

Beaker wrote:
Subject: Dust storm pics
Gidday Mr Orsm, Just a bit of info about the duststorm pics [1][2][3]. They were taken at Whyalla, SA, about a month or so ago. The dust was a result of the Eyre Peninsula bushfires in SA earlier this year.

Jesus Martinez wrote:
Subject: Drunken Stepfather: I am - Jessica Simpson See Through Outfit
Check it out - Jessica Simpson is a dirty little girl with nipples out and a camel toe. I know you love this shit... pervert!

Critical Mike wrote:
Subject: The Olsen's "Twins"
I can only imagine you've seen this already, but I thought I'd send it anyway. One of the Ashely's "twins" is showing..

editor wrote:
Subject: Claudia Schiffer Topless Pics
Hi there, I'm sure you'll like this. Topless pictures of Claudia Schiffer walking around. She still looks great, that's for sure.

Tigger wrote:
Subject: get a real car
ORSM--You Rock. I saw your lemon pics and had to send you a note. Rice burners are good for one thing, running parts(or grocreries). That's it. I give credit where it's do, and you can make 'em go fast, but at what cost? I'm all about making cars go fast and being unique but some of these yahoos have gone over the edge. The word "crack whore" comes to mind. Tell these phucks the only true way to go fast is with a V-8.

Yankeeah wrote:
Subject: If this isn't the funniest thign you've ever seen...
... then I don't know what is. They are all worth it. They're just plain great. The guy is probably faking it, cause I don't think people with tourettes actually act like that.

I just about pissed my pants laughing so hard. Check out TourettesGuy.com for more vid's. -Orsm

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Sir Bearcat wrote:
Subject: my wife's ass
Hey Orsm! My wife is a photographer and she took this with her new Canon Digital Rebel. Here is a pic of my wife's ass with her 9mm. More soon!

Great ass! -Orsm

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Tim wrote:
Subject: more girlfriend pictures
hey, i sent you two pictures [1][2] of my girlfriend last week and i decided to send a couple of more. Enjoy...

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Pªµ]_º Gµî]_]_en wrote:
Subject: this is me
Hi everyone, i'm from panama, i'm 22 years old and i like been protographed. this 2 pics was taken by my ex-girlfriend. If any girl want some of this pretty pix, just email me at rage_star@yahoo.com. I'll be sending more pics soon... live and fuck!!

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Delon wrote:
Subject: Sunday Storm in Cape Town
Hey Mr Orsm, I've been reading your site for about two years and I think its one of the best I've come across. These are pics of a storm that happened here in Cape Town, South Africa last Sunday. We have had water restrictions in place for the last few months so the rain was really welcome.

click for gallery

Machine wrote:
Subject: Gook Face
Hey ORSM, I'm currently living in Seoul, South Korea. What the fuck. I see all sorts of weird shit in this country, but nothing before has caught my attention like this restaurant sign. You would never see anything like this back in the States!

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Dan wrote:
Subject: pic from vacation you might like
Hi Orsm, Been a long time visitor of the site. Look foward to it every week. It even helped me get threw my nasty divorce. Went on Vacation last week and ended up on a ride in Flordia. Check out the girl in the front row. As you will see, she did us all a favor and wore a short skirt on a ride that takes your pic. Love the site and keep up the great job.

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Bill Browne wrote:
Subject: 03 Aston Martin AR-1 Wreck
I thought you might like these photos. This is the 1st AR-1 to get wrecked bad in the US.

Sad... -Orsm

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Shawn connolly wrote:
Subject: Love your site AND FIRE
Hey orsm love your site first of all and next is FIRE! it kicks ass... and we all know it. These are some picts and a vid of me and a few freinds playing with fire here in colorado. Hope to send you more of the stupid stuff we do here in the mountians. Keep up the kick ass site!

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Jane wrote:
Subject: Read First
How bad is this? maybe our cops need to use these photo's as warnings! One rooted RC45 Honda. This is a "cleaned up" version. The police cleaned it out and put it back together to show what CAN happen. The Honda rider was traveling at "very high speed" and did not see the golf. Swedish police estimate a speed of ~250 KM/h when he hit the car. The car had two passengers and the bike rider was found INSIDE the car. The Volkswagen flipped over from the force of impact and landed 10 feet from where the collision took place. All three involved (two in car and rider) where killed instantly. The MC-rider had a new license.

Iain Price wrote:
Subject: Sand Storm from HELL in Al Asad (Iraq) - Taken Yesterday...
Hey Mate, thought youd fuckin love these! It's a wall of sand traveling at 60 mph.

That's insane. No wonder the Iraqi's are so angry all the time. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: My Star Wars Celebration III Pics
Got back from Indianapolis last Monday and heres what I brought back to share with my friends... A ton of great pics of my experiences. Let me know if you have any questions about who some of the actors are. Better yet, try and guess which character they played in the Star Wars saga :) Enjoy!

click for gallery

mark wrote:
Subject: Video
Hi there. Im not sure if you have seen this video or had it on your site before but here it is. Its the worlds fastest R/c boat cracking over 120mph

I sooo want one of those now... -Orsm

click to watch vid

Brendan wrote:
Subject: Chinese take-away
I finally have something which you might like to put on your site. Its a practical joke played by a radio station here in the UK on two Chinese take-aways. When the DJ orders what he wants, and before he reiterates the order back to the person on the line, he rings another Chinese and they both think they are placing an order to each other. Hilarious!

click to listen

Morne Potgieter wrote:
Subject: South African VR6
Hey Mr Orsm. Like always great site. Saw the clip of the Euro VR6. Nice! We have a Car magazine called Speed n Sound. Check it out www.speednsound.co.za They have a clip of a turbocharged VR6 that is proof that the guys here in South Africa isnt so far behind from the rest of the world. Please show it to the world.

click to watch vid

Luke wrote:
Subject: It's all about Gaysm ... I mean Orsm
On a different note, your a car man and will appreciate a few vids of an exploding flywheel and the aftermath.

Looks expensive... -Orsm

click to watch vid click to watch vid

em bee wrote:
Subject: More Bearshare pics
I came across these pics of a couple from Knoxville, TN. When will people learn not to share their pics on Peer2Peer?

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My email has been inundated with requests from webmasters asking me to link their sites. Why not eh? Share the love I always say. Check out their shit...

Hole In The Net - Free Porn Blog - The Nudie Pages - Sex Kitty Blog - Hotty Stop - My Buddies GF Sucks

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 1% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."


1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. You fall off the floor...
13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
18. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
19. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and omen
20. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
21. Roseanne looks good.
22. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
23. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
24. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
25. "I'm as jober as a sudge."
26. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
27. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

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When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Stephen. May I please speak with Robin Carter"? Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW M3 cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me and then stuck his middle finger out the window and waved it around. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had is number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW M3 for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a very modern white house and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Burgemeyer." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a white house and to make easy for you, my black BMW M3 is parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole. Bring your lunch!!" Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!" "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass." he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew...

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To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy by sending me your chain letters over the years. Because of your concern:

- I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and rust.
- I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the makers are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
- I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
- I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
- I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with AIDS.
- I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
- I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.
- I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
- I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
- I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.
- I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
- I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
- I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
- I no longer have a cell phone - but that will change once I receive my new Ericcson phone.
- I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
- I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
- I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
- I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000,000,000th time.
- I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special e-mail program.

After taking a look at this weeks RS I was left thinking "WOW! I've actually managed to put an RS together that didn't have anything nasty, disturbing or offensive in it." I was, for a moment, quite shocked... then I realised I was completely full of shit and began laughing like a retard on crack. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

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Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina

Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Most members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house... and left it there all night.

Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

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Okay I'm calling game over for another week. This update was a tad later than usual due to my brain going into lockdown right when I started trying to write my blog so if it sucked you can blame my brain. Make sure you check back next week at the same Orsm time on the same Orsm channel for another huuuge update.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and have a bloody good weekend. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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