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May 2014...
orsmupdate 2014.05.29-18.24

Welcome to my name is Orsm and I'm a shitter. Hi Orsm.

There's been a whole bunch of speculation, detective work and brown discussion as to where I might have picked up a particularly brutal bout of gastro that's wreaked havoc on my digestive system. Quite fuckstrating because I've been focused lately on health plus I'm usually a little [read: a lot] OCD when it comes to washing hands and clean food prep surfaces and so on. And maybe that is the problem. Maybe my immunity isn't high enough. Maybe I need to be eating more snails.

It all started Saturday... a text message from my sis alerting me to some sort of viral outbreak by participants at a family christening the next day. The soon-to-be dad protective instinct kicks in and I try and work out if its dangerous to take the soon-to-be mum anywhere near it. We contact a GP friend, get opinions, consult Dr Google, discus amongst ourselves and ultimately decide to leave her at home whilst I go along with the proviso I don't touch anyone. The service was relatively short, I got to see some long lost cousins and was home within an hour. Sweet.

Everything was okay until the next day... and its all been explosively downhill from there. Lessons learnt include sticking to more solid foods as they will pass through less quickly and never, under any circumstances, trust a fart. Sadly I'm still in no position to say this is over although there has been less frequency of... symptoms.

And then today came a chat about having been sick. Turns out that one of my mates had been nailed by a similar affliction except his started the night before. The only common thing between us was Friday night - bunch of friends over our place for dinner which included a very spicy, homemade sambal sauce that he and I tried to out-chilli each other with. Everyone else just sort of avoided it so seems that my willingness to accept any challenge to my spice intake capabilities has been my undoing. Again.

On to everything else that's been happening... I spent half of Friday at the house shovelling sand. Not sure how much in cubic metres - enough to make me feel like I put in a full day's work but apparently not so much that some of the tradies onsite had any idea what I'd been doing. So why was I shovelling sand? Erosion... and as always it's a cascaded reason why that's happening - the guys who put the final coating on the external walls need unobstructed access so gutter downpipes can't be installed. They also need the walls to be dry and the fact we've had so much rain and that the downpipes are missing means the walls are always wet... PLUS the runoff which should be going straight into the sewer from the downpipe is landing on the ground and washing huge amounts of sand away from the footings and covering the footpath... something that will most likely attract a fine from the council. Thus the need to shovel sand.

Saturday was more or less the same - return to the house to dig back some of the sand which had been washed away by rains overnight... and that was despite having built a dam. Next was out the back to continue digging a trench. Someone had suggested running security cables to a gate. The idea was good but so was the sand compaction. Just about back breaking digging the fucker out. Hopefully all worth it in years to come.

During the day some random guy had called about the car. Spent 10 minutes chatting, explained everything he needed to know and finished with him agreeing to definitely come by the next day for a test drive. With this in mind and knowing just how dirty the shitty weather had made the car I got up early Sunday and spent 2.5 hours giving it a top-to-toe clean. Just as I packed up all my cleaning gear, literally as I said "car looks great", it started pissing down. Beautiful shiny body, spotless windows, greasy tyres... all undone. The guy never showed up either.

My other trick for the weekend was house Tetris. For a bunch of reasons not worth going into, space is becoming a premium around here so theres always something needing rearranging. Also, as we edge closer to -maybe- moving in the next few months and needing to provide sleeping arrangements for an infant, there's a push to get prepared now before one of us is too fat and immobile. That meant a chunk of my Sunday, after washing the car, after the christening, after spending a few hours with our builder making selections, was dedicated towards rearranging furniture and packing boxes. It honestly never stops. Ever.

One good thing perhaps is the video player. We put some changes live in the hours after the update went up last week which was responsible for making the videos not work. Sorry about that! Pretty sure it's fixed as well as a new player implementation for you guys to test. Would be fan-fucking-tastic if you could follow this link and see if the video plays correctly for you, especially if you've had problems with them previously. Same deal with the download function which has been rewritten too. Please email me here or leave a comment below with results!

Alright enough. For someone who is sick and seriously contemplated dropping the blog and posting a bunch of jokes this wasn't a bad effort. The rest of the update I assure you will not disappoint either so slip on your rubber gloves, find your tissues and check it...

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PMS'ing - Too Cocky - Underworld - Great Save - Think Twice - I Give!! - THE FUCK? - Kylie Upskirt - Sexy R2 - Tragic

Rough Sex - Rock Bottom - Epic Tits - Not A Fag - Its A Girl! - Sick Cunt - Painal - Holy Lea - WHY? - Venga Boobs

Propaganda - First Anal - Abused - Miley Toe - Arabs Crash - Don't Stop!! - Club Sex - Fill'er Up - Disgusting - Would U?

So, I was tickling my little brother's feet when mum wakes up and starts giving me a right earful. Something about "Waiting until he's born".
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engine plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain's voice came over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick". Five minutes later he said "Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late". A moment later "Err... sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected". One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night?"
"Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. "Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in laundry detergent..." "Fred" said the teacher. "You must have known that detergent is bad for parrots...?" "Oh it wasn't the detergent that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier".
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh..." the clerk replied "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me".


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-It was my college graduation party and me my whole family plus a bunch of friends were celebrating it in our backyard. We are having a good time drinking a few beers throughout the day and the later it gets, the more crazy it gets. Eventually I'm near blackout and all I can really remember is being behind the pool with this girl I was friends with, eating her out. In my drunken state I could have sworn that it was dark enough behind there but when I awoke the next day, my father assured me it wasn't. Not only could he assure that but so could everyone who was there...

-My friend and I were in Miami and we went to this posh lounge for the night. We were talking to these two really hot guys at a table outside when a gust of wind came and blew up my skirt. It wouldn't have been a big deal, but I was wearing Spanx underneath my dress, and they went all the way down to my thighs. One of the guys immediately commented on my "enormous granny panties". The conversation ended there.

-Back when I was a drinker, I finished a bottle of wine off before I began having sex with my boyfriend. I had a crazy screaming and moaning session. Afterwards, I got up, put my clothes on, and told him not to tell anyone because I had a boyfriend. I've never been unfaithful and when he told me what I said the next day, I couldn't believe it. He was pretty pissed because I cheated on him with himself.

-I'm a 37 year old straight male, and I... have fatherly feelings towards Megan Fox. I know she's considered by plenty of people to be smoking hot, but I feel absolutely zero sexual attraction towards her. Instead, I visit a fan site every few weeks to check on how she's doing, and feel pleased when I see paparazzi pictures of her with her husband and stepson, looking happy. And despite that, I have no desire to know every minute fact of her existence, or stalk her further than that. I just go "I wonder how Megan's doing" check on the gossip and go on with my life.

-I was absolutely pissed and high. I meet this girl, we get friendly, we drink so much now that I barely stay conscious. She pulls my pants down and starts wanking me off. She then stands up and takes her own pants off. When she sits on me and I casually look over her shoulder, I realise that we had never left the pub we were at and I was staring into the eyes of a very drunken and -to my horror- masturbating Irishman.

-It started about 8 years ago when I was 15. When I first started producing semen with my orgasms I freaked out, and was very meticulous about cleaning it up. Oftentimes I'd squeeze my dick and just let it dribble out and do the old "cup and slurp" and not have to bother with Kleenex.

-One night I was sitting on the edge of my bed, with my girlfriend straddling me. It was that great kind of loud, dirty talking sex, and I started to spank her as she rode me. She loved it and kept asking for more, so I spanked harder as we got more and more into it. We got a lot of energy going, and I was smacking her ass pretty damn hard... until I spanked out of sync with her movement. My hand swung down as her ass moved up, and I ended up missing her entirely and smacking myself in the balls with full force.

-I was on a family vacation where I met a really hot guy. We flirted a lot, but we could never be alone because my younger sister was always tagging along. So one night after a few drinks, the guy and I snuck off to the kiddie pool and started hooking up inside a pirate ship. I guess we were too loud because next thing I know a resort security guard was shining a flashlight in my face.

-I stuck my finger up my ex's butt and upon pulling it out I discovered it was covered with little white worms.

-I met a pretty Mexican woman on Badoo. I arranged to go see her one night. She gave me her address, I drove there and she texts me on the way and tells me she's a granny... which is cool. I get there and who I thought was her (pic was slightly different than in person) opens the door and we get busy. She texts me later calling me a liar and saying I never showed up. I texted back like WTF. Turns out her roommate opened the door and we fucked.

-I was laying poolside while on a vacation with my family and the place was packed. We had to get there at 10am to snag the decent lounge chairs. That day, I was wearing my skimpiest string bikini and got up to hop in the pool when the strings to my bathing suit top got caught in the plastic straps of the chair. My little brother started pointing and laughing hysterically at me as I tried to cover up and put my top back on while lots of gawking strangers looked on.

-Going down on a guy, and he's getting a bit rough with me. I normally have zero gag reflex and a high pain tolerance, so no problem so far. What I didn't factor in was the food poisoning I thought I'd gotten over the previous day. I vomited into my mouth, tried to swallow it back. Unfortunately the taste made me vomit a second time. Just as he pulls back it goes all over my chest, his dick and the sheets. Obviously I was mortified, but he wanted to carry right on fucking me. Weirdly it turned him on, big time... I still can't decide whether I am more embarrassed about throwing up or freaked out that it got him going.

-I get bad bloody noses in the shower occasionally... as in the blood is almost a continuous stream. I gather a pool of it in my hands and either drip it over myself or make bloody hand streaks on the walls. There's just something so fascinating about seeing your own blood like that.

-I'm a pretty pale dude so I decided to do some tanning a few days before my first time. Needless to say I overdid it. I was burnt like you wouldn't believe. When we got around to having sex, all the sweat and body contact caused pretty much my entire outer layer of skin to peel off during the sex.

-My sorority had planned a spring break trip with our brother fraternity. We went to Cancun and everyone had a really great time - drama free. After our return flight, we were going through security to get back into the country. I was singled out and forced to open my bag as the guard combed through everything in it. He was being really thorough... and ended up turning on my vibrator, which I had hidden in a separate compartment with my underwear. A bunch of the guys were waiting for me and they started laughing hysterically when the officer questioned me about where the noise was coming from. Once I clarified and showed him what it was, he let me go, but that's the last time I'm traveling with that thing!


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A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says "Yes, of course I do". "I got one too... see?" the Texan says.  "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice".

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do".

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.  The guy in the Rolls says "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you" replies the Texan. "What's up?"  "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls".



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On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the North West coast. His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Liverpool shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing ManU shirts roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Liverpool fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore… It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach.

Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony, which could serve as a model for other nations".

He blessed them all and drove off.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!" "That" one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom". "Well" the harpoonist replied "he knows absolutely fuck all about shark fishing, the tosser. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"


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An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company. One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly "Struth, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew" says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me".

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes after the leopard.

But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo".

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard".


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To My Dear Wife, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

To My Dear Husband, I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more that you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

There was this business man who was driving home from a business trip. He was incredibly tired. He didn't really sell much of anything and he really wanted to get home quick, to see the wife and kids.

Along the way, he saw a small sign that said "World's largest vagina". The guy thought a minute, puzzled, but ignored it. As he continued, he saw another sign "World's largest vagina, NEXT EXIT!"

The guy got curious so he decided to go take a look at, as he had some spare cash. So, he went to the exit, and pulled up, and sure enough, there it was. A large, towering vagina connected to a relatively large woman.

He got out of his car, and walked up to the guy running the place and asked "So, uhh, what exactly do I do here?" The operator then said "Well, just walk right in". "Walk right in?" said the businessmen. "Yep".

So, sure enough, he walked on in. He smelled the smells, rubbed the walls, among other things. As he attempted to leave, the woman started closing her legs, to move around, so essentially, the businessman was trapped. It was real dark, so he decided to feel around, to try and find a flashlight or something.

So, as he began, he felt a body. Thankfully, he just realised it was a fellow man. He said to the guy "Hey buddy, if you can help me find a flashlight or something, we may be able to get out of here".

The man looked at him and said "Hell, if you can find my car keys we can drive on out of here!"


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One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman".

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied "I'll take you up on that offer". She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it". He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds".

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented".

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance".

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defence, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your Honour" he said "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted".

The young lady's lawyer answered thus: "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted".

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages".


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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.
She multiplies the $5,000 several times. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.


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John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife".

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening".

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church wi' me wife". His wife then said "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast".

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley.

He said "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right" said Mrs. O'Riley "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears".


Well its that time again... time for you to read on while I GTFO of here...

-Check out the site archives. They can be something to everyone.
-Next update will be next Thursday... and the Thursday afer that... and the Thursday afer that... and the Thursday afer that... and the Thursday afer that... and the Thursday afer that... and the Thursday afer that... and the Thursday afer that... except for the one I'm planning to skip in July. There won't be an update that week.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will see to it you get a scorching case of gastro...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be that guy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.05.22-18.20

Welcome to if there isn't a problem, then there's a problem.

Feels a bit strange to have had little to no drama since last we spoke. Everything has just sort of cruised along, no one got angry, no one has even died. I'm surprised its been a week since the last update. God knows days are screaming by so swiftly that next Thursday is practically tomorrow so we should probably moving with this update then...

Finally managed to get my car officially up for sale last Friday. Spent a while snapping some good pics and writing a detailed ad before listing online so I'm actually kind of surprised there hasn't been more interest. Sure that's possibly a bit of vanity speaking but its an immaculate one-owner vehicle for a realistic price. The only inquiries I've had though were from a wholesaler [read: bottom feeder] offering less than its worth who would on sell for more than I'm asking and some joker trying to swap his crappy 2.4 litre 4 cylinder Jeep for my 6 litre 8 cylinder weapon. QUICK SOMEONE GET ME TRANSFER PAPERS! I also have a 14 bedroom beachfront holiday house that I'd like to swap for an ex Housing Commission 2x1 if anyone is keen...?

Saturday was information overload epitomised. Antenatal, birth and parenting or how not to inadvertently kill your baby class... whichever you prefer. We had the option of doing three Tuesday night sessions or just smash it out in a Saturday. Went with the latter because Tuesday's are usually busy enough and better to just get it out of the way. Whether that was a good idea remains to be seen - you're sat in a room with about 25 other expecting couples and 2 midwives who, with the exception of a few breaks, talk nonstop from 9.30am until 4.30pm. Everything a new parent needs to know is covered in frightening detail. The problem however is the midwives are so knowledgeable and give so much info that if you stop for a moment to reflect on what they just said, you miss what they say next. Forget asking questions too - they're getting to it. Matter of fact there was only a handful of questions from the class the whole day. One thing which became clear by the end of it was that they know exactly what they're doing, have seen every complication you could ever imagine and are prepared for anything so essentially what the training gives you is enough to fill in the blanks when they aren't there. The other thing I never knew is that mums "deliver the placenta" and that it's possible to doggy bag and take home...

There were some highlights at least [predictably, the birthing video was not one of them]. The first was a whip around where they asked all the mums-to-be about challenges. Out of the 25 there didn't seem to be any that was having a similar pregnancy to each other. Everything from 28 weeks and size of a small island to 36 weeks and barely showing to "have felt completely fine all along" to "have been just about bedridden since the day one". Next was when they stuck all the guys in a separate room with a whiteboard to make a list of how they think their lives will be impacted by a baby. Recurrent themes included no sex, no spare time, dirty nappies, no sex and no money. And no sex. Also included a bunch of war stories about baby-brained or irrational behaviour of partners. Funny shit and deliberately omitted from the list.

My Saturday night was incredibly lame. GF crashed early leaving me to my own devices. Put the time to good use by parking it in front of my PC and working away until midnight. Gmail sent me a stats thingy last week. I'm getting close to 3000 emails a month... which is more than the number I can read. Long story short there's a fuckload of unread mail in my inbox, still haven't had a chance to bring Reader Mail back but thankfully things are progressing nicely with the upgraded video player. If you've emailed me about it in the last few months expect one back asking you to test it soon.

Kicked off Sunday quite slowly. Arrived to work at the houses by half 8 and lost an hour giving female parent the guided tour. Was there to patch up a few holes in the brickwork which didn't end up happening because the rain, which started the minute I finished mixing a barrow, kept washing the cement out of the joints. Next, set about digging a trench that only half happened. For whatever reason an area of covered-from-the-elements sand has formed into an incredibly hardened super boondie that can withstand even the most vigorous ho-ing. Gave up and headed home to spend the duration doing this, that and the other. And this, that and the other was about it...

Alllllright lets all be grateful I've finished writing and get stuck into the new update. No need to go on about how fucking amazing it is. That'll be proven soon enough. So... WTF are you waiting for? Check it...

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Mind BLOWN - Die Antwoord - Punch Pit - Even Sexier - Fat. Gross. - Very Clever! - Break Her - Bit F-ed Up! - Sexy Sgt

Nip Slip - Sexy Shower - Cunt Juice - Cunt Juice - Incesty - Quick Hide! - Schoolies - Slutty! - Shocking - Inhumanity

Car Head - Them Curves - Beach Cans - If Only!! - Awkward Porn - See Thru - Time To Quit - Sexy Ginger - Ruski Babes

A Russian guy is entering Canada. He's at the customs counter. Customs agent looks at his passport and asks "Nationality?" "Russian" "Occupation?" ""No, just visiting".
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied "Of course they were cleaned Father". "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells "Here Soap! Here Water!"
This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor. Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's got a nice pair of tits too!"
Little Thomas comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks "Well, what did you learn today?" Thomas replies "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow".


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-We were on a driving holiday and came to a deserted beach. It was winter and no one was around so I didn't think twice when my girlfriend started giving me a blowjob out in the open. I finished and we walked back to the car only to find a family there who had watched the whole thing. I'll never forget the disgusted look on the ladies face... or the nod from her husband!

-I was fifteen. My first boyfriend had talked me into giving him a blowjob, his and my first one. After some hesitation, I began and everything seemed to be going as he described it would be. Half way through, I noticed my chest felt really warm and wet. I looked down and to my horror, there was an indescribable amount of diarrhoea covering my white shirt. To this day, I'm not sure what happened. Of course the real fun part was when I had to lift my t-shirt over my head to get it off.

-I was making out with a guy... I'm a little aggressive... I tried going down on him but he was nervous... so it was limp. Anyway. I thought I could bring it to life so I took my pants off, spread my legs... and he came just by looking at it!

-I'd been seeing a guy on a casual basis and we were in his bedroom with the door unlocked. The covers were over my face, getting well into it when all of a sudden I hear a voice say "Is she shaved?" His flatmate had come in unnoticed and had even brought a chair. He was sitting there watching! To make matters worse, the guy says "Nah mate, Brazilian!" I've never been so humiliated in all my life. We haven't spoken since.

-Me and my ex-boyfriend were going at it hard one time. It was amazing. We went into the doggy style position and he really started banging me, but I liked it! Well his penis slipped out and right when he put it back in, I queefed. Right when it happened I said "Oh my god, that's gross". He mocked me but didn't stop!

-When my ex and I first started dating we were having drunk sex one nite. I was on top getting really crazy when I went up his dick must have slid out and when I went back down I landed right on it. He screamed like a little girl. By the next morning his balls were the size of grapefruits and black. He had to go to the ER and made me come with him. We couldn't have sex for two months until the swelling went down.

-I was 'manually prepping' him and thought it was weird that there was so much pre cum. Eventually, I flicked on the light to grab a condom and he said "Oh my god, you're bleeding!" I started freaking out. How could this be?! I wasn't on my period. My hands, stomach and thighs were COVERED in blood... but my nether region was clear. Then, I look over and I see blood literally GUSHING out of the head of his dick. I was so freaked out I just yelled "YOUR DICK IS BLEEDING" and ran out of the room. He was more mortified than I was. He told me later he was really wasted and zipped the head of his penis in his pants. Being super drunk, he couldn't dislodge it, so forced the zipper down whilst yanking his dick out. He then passed out to later find himself on a blood soaked mattress. The doctor told him he needed stitched to close it back up, but didn't do it... leaving both his penis and me scarred for life.

-I had a house party and two of my friends fell asleep in my parents' bedroom after the festivities were over. The next morning, the girl woke up next to the guy, immediately throws the sheets off of herself and says "Oh thank god my clothes are still on". The guy, extremely offended, says "Well mine aren't so don't think you got off the hook that easy... and you're not that good by the way!"

-A memorable experience was with a gorgeous guy who I met in a club. I got back to his which was a total dump and this also reflected in his personal hygiene. There was such a bad smell, I got up and said I needed to pee and texted my mate "Get me out of here!" She rang me and literally just shouted anything random down the phone. I came rushing out of the bathroom, made an apologetic face and legged it!

-So my boyfriend and I are having sex in his room. He doesn't have a door. Anyway he's on top of me thrusting and thrusting when his mum walks in and is like "Oh I brought you guy's Chinese food, I'll leave it here" and casually walks out. You'd think he would have stopped while she was doing that... he didn't... and she didn't walk out right away when she saw us.

-I met some guy at a party, and ended up going to his house. Mid-thrust, he started laughing manically and yelled "I am fucking an alien princess! I am fucking an alien princess!" I, nowhere near drunk enough for that, immediately stopped, and then had to listen to him say, with wide eyes "Your vagina looks like the fridge scene in Ghostbusters". I woke up in the morning to him eating a whole key lime pie in bed. Not even looking over at me, he said "You can't have any". I walked home.

-This guy and I we were hanging out and drinking a bit. He'd had much more than me and we ended up having sex. And like close to when I could tell he was about to come I smelt piss... like straight up it smelt like pee. He all of a sudden was like "Uhh umm I gotta go". He quickly threw his pants on and I haven't seen him since.

-While riding me cowgirl, an ex bounced up too high, I partially slid out, she came back down and my penis kinked in the middle, to the left. I felt the snap echo through my entire body. I let out a blood curdling scream. Such a shame, it was pretty fun up until that point. It stayed like that for nearly a year when one day it miraculously straightened itself.

-I was having sex with a guy who I had hooked up with before, and when we were finished he tried to eat me out again and my legs twitched and I kicked him in the stomach.

-I dislocated a guy's shoulder during sex once. It was just an extra vigorous session, and I had my foot up on his shoulder. Turns out, he had weak shoulders. Who'd have known eh? But try explaining that one away!

-My boyfriend and I were in my bedroom. My parents were away and we did what we usually do... everything BUT sex. So he whips out his dick and we're excited, (no condom, I'm on birth control) and then he jumps on top of me, and he can't find the hole. And when he tried to put it in, it hurt and didn't feel good so we stopped. We ended up going out for Chinese food. And not having sex.

-I had a girlfriend of 2 years. We were 14 at the time. Got hard, condom was put on awkwardly, then got on top to start pumping. Wasn't sure what to expect, started slowly and continued to smash. About 1-2 minutes in I realise the door was slightly open. Didn't know if anyone was home. She told me not to worry about it, so continued having sex, almost blowing my load at every pump. She asks to go on top, 20 seconds later, the door opens suddenly whilst she is riding reverse cowgirl. My mum and dad enter the room! Spent the next 2 hours getting lectured. Parents called her parents to come pick her up. We broke up 2 weeks later.

-I was at a party and talking to some guy. I wasn't going to drink much because I do get a little wild. Sure enough I ended up playing drinking games with my friends and ended up drunk! Horribly drunk, actually. Later found out that the boy and I were getting a little touchy. I was sitting on his lap and what not. Did I mention that I was wearing a really short dress? Turns out we ended up having sex in front of everyone that was there. Didn't remember a thing the next day. When I was being told, I was a little embarrassed and it seemed a little awkward, but I got over it.

-After a date we ended up parking up in a deserted spot and things got quite steamy in the car... maybe a little too steamy because when we went to leave, the car wouldn't start. So he calls his mate, who apparently knows about cars. His arrives, doesn't know the problem, so calls his dad! We literally have no way of explaining why we were there, my hair was a mess, the car was all steamed up and to make things worse the button had come off this guy's trousers. I think it was plainly obvious what had been happening and I had to sit in the car with these 2 strangers while they towed us home!

-I got basically mutilated in a recreation accident and I was drunk, and my friend attempting to administer first aid was also piss drunk. For some reason or another we hooked up while I was bloody and my wounds were full of gravel.

-It was the first time I had sex with this guy, and he was hitting it from behind on his big brass bed. At one point, I was getting tired, so I went to turn my head to make eye contact (I had read that that made guys crazy) and I realised that my head was stuck between the brass posts. I was like a kid in a banister, and kept imagining firemen having to save me. My date sure couldn't save me - he, in fact, laughed so hard that he peed on the floor.

-I nearly had jizz come out of my nose once. He came and it shot out in two waves. The first one was fine but I wasn't expecting more... and then all of a sudden there was a second wave. I decided choking and coughing for a long period of time was better than the burning and embarrassment of jizz coming out of my nose.

-After a party we had at our house my husband and I decided to have sex. We were both pretty wasted. I started to give him a BJ but I accidently went down too far and threw up just a little bit... that was the end of our fun! It was years ago and I'm still embarrassed! We don't talk about it.

Got one to add? Email me and I'll use it next time!


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Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track".

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there" answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then" Tom continued "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box".

"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case" Tom argued "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalised?" "Oh well" said Tom "In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash!"


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A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said "PIGS FOR SALE".

Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth. "Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds".

Noting the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. The farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result.

The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig.

After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt.

"What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer. "I went up there like you said" said the man "But your wife was too busy". "Busy doing what?" "Well, don't quote me on this" he warned "But I think she was weighing the milkman".


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A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says "Who is this?" "This is the maid" answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house".

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Umm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband".

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with". The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh... is this 9221-1811?"

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings" said St. Peter.

They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.

St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic Church and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here".


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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000".

"Now" he concluded "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"


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One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 wad in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said "I'll take him and him and him!"


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A little boy hears the word 'whorehouse' in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time". The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's to" 'have a good time', not knowing the little boy is following them.

After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the Madame that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.

Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.

"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly. "WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?"

"I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last one!"


Well it seems we've come to that point and I can't go on. I gave it everything but you always want more. And that's okay because...

-Check out the site archives. This is basically what I've been doing for the last 14 years plus a fucking insane amount of porn, videos, jokes and shite that will make you happier than blowjobs.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Same deal EVERY Thursday actually. I don't miss them. Its kind of my thing.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will bring down an even harsher budget next year.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and wipe that face off your smile. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.05.15-18.05

Welcome to... are you in the practice of selling defective dogs?

I thought this might be a relatively straightforward week. It certainly seemed like it should be. Just had to be at the computer by 7.30am each day, work on the update and no one gets hurt. But holy-fucking-shit the interruptions have been such that it appears there's been a concerted effort to deliberately disrupt. How often must a phone a ring? How much info do citizens of the world think I contain? My telco called to see if I wanted to upgrade my mobile phone. Don't they know how much I hate it? That I physically cringe every time it rings? That its preferred use is entertaining me whilst taking a poop? That no one is upgrading a thing til they see the iPhone 6 even though they think they might want a Samsung? Even though they're worried the Samsung is too big?? Shit telcos, get it together.

It didn't stop there. Can't remember how much I've explained our living arrangement previously. The easiest way is to say it's a shared one with an older couple. We're very fond of them and they us and it's safe to say we've all become intertwined in each other's lives. Long story short - it's hard not to have a 5 to 45 minute conversation about whatever is trending around here as we cross paths numerous times a day. Multiply all these 5 to 45 minute conversations across the week and the update could have been finished days ago...

The thing I've been most busy with however is my car. Remember last week I mentioned it's time to sell? Well as usual there's maximum pressure to hurry the fuck up. Why? Because the new car is ready for collection... and payment. Admittedly should have foreseen this happening; not like I wasn't warned. The new car is a hand-me-down from the parentals and they just picked up their new car which means the old one is taking up space in their driveway. Unfortunately I haven't been able to move that quickly to get my baby ready to advertise. On the list of things to do was repaint wheels, get new tyres, get it serviced, replace and paint side indicators, get it detailed plus a few other small bits and pieces. As I write this, as of about an hour ago everything is finally done, the car is as close to perfect as its going to be and I can advertise it this weekend.

Going to be a sad day when that happens but at least the saving grace is never having to deal with a Holden service department again. If there's anyone from AHG reading this - you are an absolute fucking disgrace to the motoring industry and humanity. Seven years of owning this car and a few with my last one, I don't think there was a single good experience dealing with any of your incompetent staff who provided continual substandard service. But hey... as long as you're making money right?

Moving on. Whilst not, not impacting me, the house build has gone a bit quiet while we wait for tilers to start. Have recently learnt the thing that tradesmen are most adept at is stringing people along to ensure they have a continual flow of work. All they have to do is show up when they say, spend a day at your job, then go back and finish the other job [or jobs] they're on. And that one day is the clincher... you can't really fire them and go elsewhere because the process will start all over again with the next guy. Multiply all these days and weeks across the total build time and the houses could probably have been finished months ago...

That said, the milestone reached in the past week was lock up. If you've never been stupid enough to build before it simply means that the windows and doors are sealed. It also means if you walk to any external door and slide it open, you can enter; or think where the most obvious place to hide a key is and look there, you can enter; or can kick a sheet of plywood in, you can enter.

Another thing that sapped some time was a half day course at the weekend. Have a couple of these coming up before the baby arrives. All apparently very important and nothing I can really delegate. Especially Saturdays - a kids first aid course. For some strange reason the one they taught us in seventh grade is still remarkably clear in my brain. How hard is it to forget ABC? Airway, Breathing, Circulation. Not at all! Which is a shame because that shit is long gone. Now it's DRSABCD and the part about "just keep breathing no matter what" has given way to "just keep doing compressions no matter what". They used to tell us not to do compressions if you don't know how; the risk of hurting the heart muscle wasn't worth it. Now the idea is it's better to have injured muscle then be dead. Makes sense. There was also a few hours on identifying warning signs, what to do plus a whole bunch of deeply disturbing things witnessed over 20 years by the paramedic giving the course. Needless to say I won't need to watch any horror films for very long time...

Alright let's bring that insight into my life and tiny mind to an end and get on with a brand new update. Have no doubt whatsoever that you guys are going to frickin' LOVE this one. There's a shit tonne of new images and a fuck tonne of videos so if you aren't entertained by this then it's unlikely I can help you. Check it...

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Boner Prank - For Reals - Nerd Proposal - I'm A Taaaank!! - Head Slam - Deep Sleep - Destroy Newbz - Curvaceous

Tits In Public - Terror Slut - Miley Pubes - F-ing Boom - After Life - Amazonian - Moaner - Those Nips - The FUCK?

Beach BJ - Pimped - Sorry Bud! - Freak Porn - Bikini FTW - Go GaGa - Still So Fine - No Pussy - Blood Saké - Possessed

One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked "Dad, where did I come from?" Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider. When dad was finished, his son said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia".
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there's still no sign of the pooch. "What did you write in the ad?" his wife asks. "'Here, boy,'" he replies.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband" she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him!"
On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $350. "Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires "Err... How much for a season pass?"
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said "Well... she's there".


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-Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate ''He just didn't belong.''
-Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Come home eating a hot dog.
-Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
-Every time your roommate walks in yell "Hooray! You're back!" Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
-Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for him to come back. When he does, walk in and act surprised. Say "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again".
-Every time you see your roommate yell "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
-Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologise and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead". Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
-Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
-Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
-Drink a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat donuts every night before bed.
-Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
-Every time you wake up, start yelling "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
-Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
-Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell "I can't live in the same room with you" storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
-Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
-Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
-Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter "Soon, soon..."
-Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
-Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer".
-If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering "Ungrateful little..."
-Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
-Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
-Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously recover". Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say "Oooh, are you dying?"
-Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate "Okay, your turn".
-Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say,
"Oh, he's around here somewhere".
-Tell your roommate "I've got an important message for you". Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
-Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
-Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
-While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
-Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
-Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
-Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
-Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
-Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick.
-Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there". Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
-Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate "Psst! Is it gone?"
-Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
-Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bullseye.
-Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says "I'm sorry. It won't happen again". When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
-Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray".
-Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
-Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
-Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream "Owwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
-When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say "That was your mum. She said she'd call back".
-Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell "Okay, guys, you can come out now".
-Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
-Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players".
-Talk back to your "Rice Krispies". All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining "No, I want to watch them suffer".


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Two cowboys are out in the woods rounding up cattle. They stop to cook some lunch when Tex decides he needs to pee. He ambles off a short distance and starts to do his business, peeing over a fallen log. On the log, a rattlesnake had been sunning himself and, of course, didn't take kindly to the bath he got. So the snake up and bit the cowboy on his 'Johnson'. Now Tex didn't like being bit there very well and started to scream bloody murder. His friend Rex came running to see what the commotion was all about.

Rex asked Tex what happened and was quickly told the details "What kind of medical treatment is used?" asked Tex. "I don't know, but I do remember hearing that you should stay still and be clam. I'll ride to town and get the Doc or find out what to do".

So Rex rode to town, not sparing the horse, pulling up to the Doctor's office in a cloud of dust, ran in and told the Doc a rattler had bit Tex, but not any of the details.

"What needs to be done Doc, can you come out and take care of Tex?" "Mrs Ryan is about to have her baby so I can't come. But here's what needs to be done. You make a cut with this scalpel in the shape of an X by the fang mark, then you have to suck all the poison out". "Say, Doc, what happens if this ain't done?" asked Rex. "It's very likely that Rex could die" said the Doc.

Rex rode back to Tex in not as fast a trip and found him lying in the shade not feeling too well.

"WHAT DID THE DOC SAY? Tex hollered seeing Rex looking rather distraught. "Well... he said you gonna die, ol' boy!"


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The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?" "No siree" she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns".

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent screwed her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.

At 1am, she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously screwed. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was screwed. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality. "My goodness" she whispered in the dark "you are so virile. I never realised how lucky I was to have you for my agent".

"I'm not your agent, lady" a strange voice answered. "He's at the darn door selling tickets".


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Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up alongside the road, doing it, well, doggy style.

"What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary asked. Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said "Well, he's scaring her". Little Mary said "Oh".

They walked a little farther, and Little Mary said "How about you scare ME, Little Johnny?" Well, Little Johnny thought "What the Hell". So he took her into the bushes and 'scared' her deeply.

After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she asked. "Well... he's scaring her". So Little Mary said "Scare me again, Johnny!"

Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and scared her again. After they were finished, they started walking home again.

Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she innocently asked again. "Well, he's scaring her" Little Johnny said once again. After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said "Scare me again, Little Johnny!!"

Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out "Boo, damn it, boo!"

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the ever-so-polite bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see". "That's perfectly all right" replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know" said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out".

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"

And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.

Then he said "I can't thank you enough, but, by the way, what kind of animal are YOU?" And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls... you must be a lawyer".


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For all of you who occasionally have a REALLY bad day when you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk one day when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying "Hello?" I politely said "This is John Smith. May I speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe someone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's number and called her. She had accidentally transposed the last two numbers. After I had talked to Robin I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a JACKASS!" and hung up.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or was having a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer and I'd say "You're a jackass!" It would cheer me up.

Then the phone company introduced Caller ID. This was a real disappointment to me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number. When the jackass said "Hello?" I made up a name and said "Hi, this is so-and-so in the sales office of the telephone company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID program?" He yelled "No!" and slammed the phone down. I called him back and said "That's because you're a jackass!" and hung up.

The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's ever something really bothering you, you can always do something about it.

I was at the mall one day looking for a parking space. Finally, I spot this little old lady pulling out of one. She really took her time about it. I didn't think she'd ever get out. So I backed up to give her a little more room. Her car began to move slowly. "Great" I thought "She's finally leaving". When she cleared the space I started forward. All of a sudden, this black Camaro, going the wrong way up the parking aisle, pulled into the empty space. I started honking my horn and yelled "Hey! You can't just do that, buddy! I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro, completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself "This guy's a jackass. There sure a lot of jackasses in the world". I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of the car with his telephone number on it. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I was sitting home paying my bills. I had just gotten off the phone with the first guy after calling him and yelling "You're a jackass!" (It was really easy to call him after I put his number on my speed dial) when I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk. I thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said "Hello?" I said "Hello. Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is" he answered. "Can you tell me where I can see it again?" I asked. He answered "Yeah, I live at 1802 West 34th St. It's a yellow house and the car is parked out front". I asked "What's your name?" "Don Hanson". "What's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening". "Listen, Don. Can I tell you something?" "Go ahead" I yelled "Don, you're a jackass!" and slammed the phone down.

After I hung up, I added Don's number to my speed dial too. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now, when I had a problem, I had TWO jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave this problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I speed dialled Jackass #1. After he answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up. The jackass said "Are you still there?" I said "Yeah" He said "Stop calling me" I said "No" He asked "What's your name, pal?" I said "Don Hanson". He said "Where do you live?" I answered "1802 West 34th St. It's a yellow house with a black Camaro parked out front". "I'm coming over right now, buddy. You better start saying your prayers" he said. "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" I said before hanging up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered "Hello?" I said "Hello, Jackass!" and stayed on the line. He said "If I ever find out who you are...!!" I interrupted "You'll WHAT?" He said "I'll kick your butt, FAGGOT!" I said "Well, here's your chance! I'm coming over right now, JACKASS!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to the Channel 4 newsroom to tell them about the gang war going on in the 1800 block of West 34th Street and I was done.

After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to West 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter and the entire incident being televised by a TV news crew.

And the moral of the story? Careful who you upset!


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Chester says to Earl "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting". So he sends the dog out to the pond.

The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".

Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?" Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".


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Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by, and they all had a great time.

After they returned home, and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers "7 come 11" all night, so I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean... my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there. She slaps the bed all night and hollers "Hit me light" or "Hit me hard". So, I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slot machines the whole time we were there. So, I wake up each morning with a sore dick and a butt full of quarters!"


So now we've come to the end I realise it isnt a miracle that this update got finished, its a miracle that it got finished on time. Clearly I am one of the most amazing people in the world. For further evidence of this please read the following...

-Check out the site archives. Better than everything not as good as them.
-Next update will be next Thursday. It isn't not to be seen.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend... Ray.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep sucking, don't make eye contact. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.05.08-18.42

Welcome to Orsm.net. Anyone who doesn't agree with me is wrong.

It didn't even creep up this year. For months it's been warm and sunny, aka summer, next thing we're waking up at 6am to pitch black outside. Same shit at 6pm - darker than my mood when I realised the days were rapidly shortening and winter is just weeks away. How did it all go so wrong, will it ever be sunny again, what did I do to deserve this and when will the government admit they've broken promises to Australians by introducing shorter days?

Which brings me to my next point... for the last few weeks my Facebook newsfeed has been a litany of complaints about that very thing. People are losing their minds about election promises that are about to be broken in the forthcoming federal budget. All very valid concerns too - hundreds or more new taxes to be introduced, GST increase to 35%, retirement age up from 65 to 90, abolition of healthcare, pensioners to be stripped of their pensions and then executed upon reaching a certain age. Terrible stuff. What I would REALLY like to see though is everyone calm the fuck down and wait for the budget to ACTUALLY be released. Until then it's hearsay and scaremongering from opposition parties and interest groups seeking only to protect or further their own agendas. Of course the gov has absolutely no reason to quash any of it because when the budget does get handed down and isn't quite as bad, we'll all breathe a big sigh of relief and vote for them next time. I've been trying to do my bit. I 'liked' the Labor party FB page with the hope of using sarcasm and wit to educate those twits just how stupid they are. Unfortunately there's just no getting through to someone whose argument is "I didn't vote for him. He's not my Prime Minister". Guess what geniuses - the majority did and he is.

Was WhatsApp'ing with a mate the other day - usual back and forth shit talking. While this was going on I was enjoying a large dose of crazy; some may say hostility or perhaps erraticism. I said to my mate "Pregnant bitches be crazy". He's a good guy; doting dad to 2 girls. His reply: "Haha welcome aboard. We've been expecting you" then "I'll let you in on a little secret... bitches don't change back". A scary thought and I pray he's wrong. What is clear at the moment is pregnancy is hard work. Definitely not just all gracefully getting a bigger tummy. Mums-to-be don't sleep well, need to pee frequently, their backs ache, clothes don't fit, hormones run wild and are often politely reminded [read: strictly policed] not to eat certain foods she so desperately desires. What I'm trying to say is if and when pregnant bitches go crazy they have a bunch of good reasons to. [No she is not forcing me to write this]. We all have our problems however. My biggest one is finding it all so incredibly entertaining. Worth every bruise...

We're just over 10 weeks from our very own bastard child poking his or head out. All the scans and tests that happen expensively often suggest "everything is perfect". Incidentally something you're happy to hear over and over! The goal for the time being is to get all the stuff a baby needs, organised. Luckily we've got everything a 0-18 year-old could ever need... maybe even enough for five 0-18 year-olds. A typical conversation over the last 3 years might have gone "Do you really need to buy those baby clothes? You're not even pregnant!" But I digress... until recently we expected to be in the new house, our own place with our own stuff. Fantastical delusion's aside, no fucking chance whatsoever. So now we need to sift through the boxes of our stuff... stored at various friends' places... north, south and east of civilisation... to find all those things bought and forgotten and prepare where we live now to bring home the bub.

Just to keep things interesting, any spare time I have is being pumped into various unskilled tasks on, at and around the house... which is a nicer way of saying I'm doing the labouring that no other dickhead will do. Am also busily getting my car ready for sale. Wheels have been repainted to cover up curb damage inflicted by the GF and once the paint detail is done next week I can [reluctantly] flog it off. The other thing occupying my mind grapes is the Orsm video player. It's been an ongoing issue for a while and I've spent countless hours corresponding with you and my tech guys, trying a million different fixes to varying results. Currently in the process of finding a decent/reliable programmer to rewrite and switch to a new player entirely. If you're good with some relatively basic PHP then feel free to hit me up.

Alrighty. Let's forgo any more of the waffle and get busy enjoying a brand new update. Heart, soul, a fuckload of hours and a few blisters made this bad boy happen so go forth and enjoy. Or don't. Either way - check it...

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She's Nuts - So Is She - F-ing Pig - Thwacko! - ScarJo FTW - Nude Gym - Vaginality - Nice Uptons - Skinny As - Zombie!

Necro Sex - Big Badaboom - Like A Boss - Red Handed - Awkward - Umm Moo? - Celeb Titties - Smart Mutt - Pussy Rub

Bwahaha! - Sexing - Rihanna Nude - Throat Vaj - Hey Baby! - Dirty Gurl - Orgasmic - Too Salty? - Porn Sluts - Foolish

If the world hasn't been able to find one black box for 2 months; how the fuck are they going to find 276 of them?
I will be wearing a pink t-shirt tomorrow to raise awareness for guys like me who've mixed reds with their favourite white t-shirt in the wash.
"You'll be fine" the doctor said after finishing the young blonde woman's surgery. "But" she asked "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed".
19 Pakistanis died in London this morning. It was not a terrorist attack - a bunk bed collapsed. Police are attributing the blame to Al' IKEA.
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore?" "Nonsense, darling" replied the husband "you just cook better now".
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
Took the wife to the doctor this morning to sort out her Tourette's. Turns out she doesn't have it... I AM a cunt she does want me to fuck off.


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"Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane". --Jim Gaffigan

"The cool thing about being famous is travelling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff". --Britney Spears

"There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home". --Stephen Colbert

"It's hard man 'cause the security in the airport, customs, immigration, they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist and an Indian. Terrorists hate Americans. Indians hate each other. A terrorist will blow up an airport. Indians like to work at the airport. That would be counter-productive". --Russell Peters

"People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and go to the toilet and you're home". --Louis C.K.

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?" --George Carlin

"Never get behind old people. Their bodies are littered with hidden metal and they never seem to appreciate how little time they have left. Bingo, Asians. They pack light, travel efficiently, and they have a thing for slip-on shoes. Gotta love 'em". -- George Clooney, from the movie Up in the Air

"My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport". --Dennis Miller

"Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' "They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit?'" --Wanda Sykes

"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo". --Al Gore

"You want to know what its like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over". --Lewis Black

"When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like 'What do I do... I don't really... ha-huh...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of time!" --Dane Cook

"You can't walk down here at all. It can't be a short cut because you get stopped every few seconds". [moves aside to let an elderly woman pass] "See? I bet she left the house when she was 10!" --Karl Pilkington

"People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. They act like their flight was like a cattle car in the 1940s in Germany. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes'. Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'" --Louis C.K.

"Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know... because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful". --Lewis Black

"Airline food is the tiniest food I've ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get - chicken, steak, anything- has grill marks on each side, like somehow we'll actually believe there's an open-flame grill in the front of the plane". --Ellen DeGeneres

"The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live". --Adam Carolla, from "In Fifty Years we'll All Be Chicks"

"The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognise you as a tourist. --Russell Baker

"I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
--Mark Twain

"Two great talkers will not travel far together". --Spanish Proverb

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance". --Alton Brown

"Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything". --Charles Kuralt

"When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money". --Susan Heller

"The first condition of understanding a foreign country is to smell it". --Rudyard Kipling

"Too often travel, instead of broadening the mind, merely lengthens the conversations". --Elizabeth Drew

"People don't take trips... trips take people". --John Steinbeck

"Our happiest moments as tourists always seem to come when we stumble upon one thing while in pursuit of something else". --Lawrence Block

"Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane". --Jim Gaffigan

"Kilometres are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometres". --George Carlin

"Travel becomes a strategy for accumulating photographs". --Susan Sontag

"Adventure, yeah. I guess that's what you call it when everybody comes back alive". --Mercedes Lackey

"There's only four ways to get unravelled; One is to sleep and the other is travel". --Jim Morrison

"A good holiday is one that is spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours". --J.B. Priestley

"Airline travel is hours of boredom interrupted by moments of stark terror". --Al Boliska

"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo". --Al Gore

"Travel is only glamorous in retrospect". --Paul Theroux

"People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home". --Dagobert D. Runes

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?" --George Carlin

"You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't nauseated by the food. So you are grateful". --Paul Theroux

"Travel' is the name of a modern disease which became rampant in themid-fifties and is still spreading. The disease - its scientific name is travelitis furiosus - is carried by a germ called prosperity". --George Mikes

"When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable". --Clifton Fadiman

"Travelling is like flirting with life. It's like saying, 'I would stay and love you, but I have to go; this is my station". --Lisa St. Aubin de Teran

"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey". --Fitzhugh Mullan

"A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car". --Emile Ganest

"There is nothing safer than flying - it's crashing that is dangerous". --Theo Cowan

"Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go". --Truman Capote

"It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport". --Douglas Adams

"If you've seen one redwood tree, you've seen them all". --Ronald Reagan

"You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over". --Lewis Black

"My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport. --Dennis Miller

"Don't worry about the world ending today, it's already tomorrow in Australia". --Charles M. Schulz


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A large plane crashed on a property north of Geraldton. The local police constable mobilised a team and they eventually arrived at the farm. By that time, the aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned out fuselage left smouldering in a tree line bordering the farm.

The constable and his men entered the crash site, but could find no remains of anyone. Then they spotted the farmer ploughing a field not far away, as if nothing had happened.

They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"John" the constable yelled, out of breath. "Did you see this terrible plane crash happen?" "Yep, sure did" the farmer mumbled as he cut the tractor's engine. "Do you realise THAT was the Prime Minister's 737?" "Yep".

"Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They all got killed straight out". The farmer answered. "Buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning".

"The Prime Minister is DEAD?" The constable asked.

"Well..." the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor "he kept saying he wasn't. But you know what a lying bastard he is!"


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A British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook and troubleshooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with ten beautiful, dark, young women... all au naturel.

The young man had the biggest, strongest member the British guy had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. "He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir" came the reply. "This is his morning ritual".

"Ask him" the awed Brit said to his companion "how did his member get to be this size?" The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return. "He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my member. Doesn't the white man's member shrink in cold water too?'"


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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex". After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

A few months later he headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex'". Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

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Boris, a Russian man, saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered.

He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on a Thursday. Boris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway through the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says Boris. "The plumber is coming that morning!"


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Mary was married to something of a chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly... not any housework. That, he declared, was 'woman's work'.

One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that her husband Charley had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.
"Well, it was a great dinner" Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away".

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "Oh, that part didn't work out" Mary said. "Charley was too tired".


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The Northerner's son graduated from college and was offered a good job, but it was in the Deep South. Dad was worried about his son going off to such a strange land and he warned him to avoid entanglements with southern women.

"They can't cook the kind of food we northerners eat, they won't keep the house clean, they don't like sex, and if you marry one she'll call you a 'Damn Yankee' the rest of your life".

After a few months, the son telephoned dad and told him he had just met a wonderful southern girl, and thought he was in love with her. Dad repeated his warnings about southern women and their shortcomings.

After another couple of months, the son called dad and told him he and his southern girl were getting married. Dad just moaned and groaned and repeated his warnings.

Two more months go by and son telephones dad..."Dad, you were wrong. My wife is a great cook, keeps the house neat as a pin, and she absolutely loves sex".

Dad responded "Well, what about the fourth thing - her calling you a Yankee?"

"Oh, we reached an agreement on that. She won't call me a Yankee and I won't call her a nigger".


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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor called the husband's wife into his office alone. The doctor told her "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare something especially nice for him. Don't burden him with chores. Let him rest and relax. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And, most importantly, cater to his every whim".

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to twelve months, I think your husband will regain his health completely".

On the way home, the husband asked his wife "What did the doctor say?" "Well... he said you're going to die any day now".


Well that does me for the week. I hope everything was to your liking and that you'll read the following before making a cunt of yourself...

-Check out the site archives. Be warned they are a gigantic resource of all thats good with the world.
-Next update will be next Thursday... or Wednesady or Friday... or an entriey different day depending on when you actually surf in to check it out.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get REALLY cross at you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be bagus, stay off the chems and Cottonelle leaves a residue. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.05.01-18.05

I enjoyed not writing a blog last week so much that it occurred to me if I do that again it may happen again. So let's see how that goes. I assure you though everything will return to normal next Thursday... doing stuff the hard way is how I roll + I should be over the illness plundering my bowels. And while you dwell on that I'll get busy with a brand new update. It's a ripper too; maybe the best all week. Check it...


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A blonde woman was speeding down the highway in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, also coincidentally, a blonde. The cop asked to see the woman's driver's license. The woman dug through her purse, getting more and more agitated. "What does it look like?" The police woman replied "It's square and has your picture on it". The blonde driver finally found a square mirror in her purse. She looked at herself, and handed it over. The blonde officer looked into the mirror, and returned it saying "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop…"
"Why the fuck are you staring at my head?" asked some guy in the pub last night. I said "I'm checking out the hair". "But, I'm completely bald" he replied. I said "I'm talking about mine".
Q: What would they have called the Flintstones if they were black? A: Niggers
A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would like a woman sent to his room. The man says yes. The desk clerk says "I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one should I send up?" With this the man replies "I'll take the teacher". When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says "I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the switchboard operator?" The man replies "The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished, but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right".
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonder-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says "No, I told her I was 90".
Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her upcoming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest. "He dropped his trousers last night Father... he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before". "Sure that's only his penis Mary". "But father there's a purple knob on it". "That's just the head of the penis Mary". "Yeah, but then Father, about 16 inches back from the purple knob there's two big round things. What are they Father?" "Well for your sake Mary, I hope they're the cheeks of his arse".
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a Colonoscopy in Seattle, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" the nurse told me. "I haven't got an erection" I replied. "No, but I do" replied the nurse.
A guy goes into a pet shop and asks for a songbird. "Certainly, sir" says the grumpy assistant "take a look at this yellow and green canary. It sings beautifully". "But it's only got one leg..." "Hmm..." says the assistant "are you looking for a singer or a fucking tap-dancer?"
My wife texts me: "I think we need a holiday. I just want to chill out and catch some rays with you. XXX". I can't wait to tell her that I've just booked us an epic three week fishing tour around the coast of Iceland.

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U F-ing Twit! - Smooooth - Brilliant! - Cluster Fuck - Depravity - Virgin Alert - Go Black - She Gone - GoT Porn - Dat Ass

Repulsive - Nigga News - Aussie Tits - Beach Tits - Damn Sexy - Sandy Cunt - Snow Blow - Senseless - Inexplicable

I'm Crushed - Vaporised - Forced - Mortar Fail - Gorgeous - Lez'n Out - Boob Gifs - Inexplicable - Good Or Bad?

A Pakistani woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive.
As I walked romantically hand in hand with my girlfriend through the park I stopped her and said "I've been wanting to do this for ages but it's never been the right time". As I got down on one knee she shrieked "Oh my god, Yes, yes, yes". I said "Okay, don't get too excited, it's only a shoe lace".
Newfie men can be wise individuals who make a lot of sense. This is a fine example of the Newfie way with words. Jarge texts his wife: "Just avin' one more pint wit da boy's. If I ain't back in 20 minutes, read this again!"
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. Wife yells "That guy just screwed me twice!" Husband: "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?" Wife: "Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time!"
There is no horror film that exceeds the feeling of touching the pocket and not feeling the phone.
The pastor dipped Jabu in water three times and on the third time the pastor said "You are now baptised, from today you are a new creation, the old is gone, no more alcohol for you and you will now be called Samuel". Upon arriving home Jabu, now Samuel, goes straight to the fridge gets a very cold Black Label, dips it in water three times and says "You are now a new creation and from today you are orange juice!!"


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DO NOT waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS when fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90 degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.

MEN when listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire, then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

BLIND PEOPLE give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

RAPPERS avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

ALCOHOL makes a perfect substitute for happiness.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves do not be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out of the pan.

ALCOHOLICS do not worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

SCI-FI FANS create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

DO NOT waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view

THICKEN runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check the light goes off when the door is closed.

BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERTS WIVES keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

OLD TELEPHONE DIRECTORIES make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you do not know.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make perfect miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

SHOPPERS when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

MANCHESTER UNITED FANS save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.

WEIGHT WATCHERS Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

QUIT SMOKING by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

HOUSEWIVES when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

MAKE BATH TIMES as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

GIRLS too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

MINOR SKIN GRAFTS can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

SAVE MONEY on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. IE. Mr. KVL 741Y.

HIJACKERS avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

EMPTY CIGAR TUBES filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

OLYMPIC ATHLETES disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

KALE FANS save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the toilet.

AVOID ARGUMENTS with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

SMOKERS save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.


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When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always arguments and confrontations.

One day, Mr Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat".

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away" and he went and sat at another table.

Mr Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded "The one with the money, of course". Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically said "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?" Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded "Each one takes what he doesn't have".

Mr Peters, by this time was ropeable. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone "Mr Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade".


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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked on me!" he replied.


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-You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.

-If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

-The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.

-If your partner takes pictures or videos you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet.

-Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with. It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

-When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

-If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.

-Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

-When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

-You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy golf stuff.

-You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.

-There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

-If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

-Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

-Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

-You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

-Your golf partner will never say "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"


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The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Marietta, OH, for $200.

They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side".

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked "Did you buy this cow in Ohio?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet" they said. "How did you know we got the cow in OHIO?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye "My wife is from Ohio..."

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A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asked the wife "Did I hurt you "No" replies the man "but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder".


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Two men were lost in the Sahara desert. They had been walking for days and were both very hungry and thirsty. Suddenly they saw a tent, and exhausted they stumbled towards it. Outside the tent there was an old, hideous woman. She looked like a witch. She had no teeth, her face was wrinkled, with a big wart on the cheek, and she smelled like she hadn't washed for years.

"Please give us something to eat and drink!" said the two men "We are starving!"

"Yes, I can give you both food and drink", the old woman replied with a hoarse voice. "But then you have to give me something in return". "Anything!" the two men answered desperately. "You see, I live here all alone. And I haven't seen a man for many years now. It gets really lonely. So I would like you to fuck me and then I will give you food".

The two men looked at each other with horror. Never! They would not sink so low.

"Fine, suit yourselves". And the old woman returned to her tent. As she opened the tent flap, the two men could smell the wonderful food she had in her tent.

"Wait a minute!" One of the men said. "I want to see what food and drink you have. I want to see it is worth it".

The old woman took him to the opening, and in the tent he saw a big table, filled with roasted steak, potatoes, gravy, various fruits and vegetables, delicious pies and many more courses. To drink there was water, wine and cold beer. He hesitated, but the hunger got the better of him, so he entered the tent.

As the woman got on her bed, and pulled up her skirt, he looked at her vagina with disgust. If the woman was squalid and smelly, her vagina was even worse. She was full with warts down there, and she smelled like rotten fish. And from the vagina, a yellowish stinking phlegm was dripping.

"I can't!" the man said and turned away. As he walked past the table he saw a plate with corncobs, and he stopped. "Okay, I'll do it. But you have to pull your skirt over your head, 'cause you are so ugly, I can't stand it".

The old woman agreed, and pulled her skirt over her head. The man grabbed one of the cobs and started pumping, slowly at first, but then faster. There was a musty smell coming from the vagina, but the man concentrated on all the delicious food, and kept on pumping. When the old woman shook with orgasm, he quickly removed the corn-cob, now dripping with yellow phlegm, and tossed it out of the tent.

"Thank you" said the old woman. "Now you can eat and drink all you want". And that he did.

After an hour of gorging, he happily stepped out of the tent. "That was so good", he told the other man, who was waiting in the shadow. "You should do it too - the food makes it worth it". But the other man declined. "I don't have to. I'm not hungry anymore. An hour ago I found a hot, steaming corn-cob, covered with melting butter".


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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their panamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked "What the hell happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me "What in the World Did You Do Today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered "Well, today I didn't do it".


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John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the mental hospital, as he considered him to be okay.

The Doctor said "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died".

David replied "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry".


Well my work here is done but I know you want more so hows about I leave you with this...

-Check out the site archives. You're penis will thank you.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Shall I say it again motherfucker?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will hurt you in ways that you didn't imagine possible. Why? Because he literally has nothing better to do than go around belting cunts I say deserve it. U scared motherfucker?
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I'll rochambeau you for it? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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