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November 2003...
orsmupdate 2003.11.19-21.52

What a shit of a couple of weeks I've had. Okay yeah I may have no right to complain because there's millions of people worse off than me but jesus christ there very well may be some sort of meltdown [read: mental breakdown] if anything else goes wrong.

First thing to go awry was the whole site hack thing. For the semi technical amongst you - some l337 d00d broke into the primary site server by way of an exploit. They then proceeded to install a whole bunch of shit and do a few things with the server on IRC for a few hours. The problems really started when we tried to clean everything up. Shit went south, the server hung, we attempted a reboot and that was pretty much the last we heard from it.

This is about the time you guy's would have noticed the site being down. There was a mad scramble to upload hundreds of megs of files to the other site server and thankfully we got the site back online. In the mean time I spent a shit load of time on the fone to the US getting the hosting guy's working on a few things all in the name of saving data that wasn't backed up. We ended up being lucky and got most of it off.

Probably doesn't sound too hard but to most of the hardcore technical stuff was far beyond me. Numerous fone calls over seas and a kabillion ICQ messages, emails and support tickets back and forth just to get it all sussed out. Good learning experience but I'd be lying if I said my head wasn't and still is spinning most of the time.

To date the server still isn't back online and everything is still running from number 2. Hopefully it'll take the bombardment of hits that follows an update and everything will stay online. Huge thanks to Honer, who with out his help, the site would definitely still be down. Oh and Honer... despite what everyone says about you - I think you're okay!

The other fuck up was my brand-spanking-new car stereo, although it didn't end up being big a deal. Friday before last I was cruising home for the nite after being at a mates place. As I rounded a corner the doof doof cut out. I thought nothing of it just assuming that a cable had come unplugged. Get home a couple of minutes later, pop the boot only to be greeted with a shit load of smoke billowing out. Nasty. Shut everything down and retreat inside for the nite.

Next day I wake up and take a trip down to the place I got it from. They pulled it out and had a look. Somehow I managed to fry my brand new amp AND brand new sub woofer. Started to get a bit worried by this point. I still hadn't actually paid for everything because we were waiting for a different sub to come in. Thoughts of being stuck with double the cost were entering my mind until they declared [as far as they could see] it wasn't my fault. *phew*

Anyways they swapped everything over on the spot and sent me on my merry way. How good is that for customer service!? If you live in Perth and are looking for somewhere decent to get you car stereo done and wanna talk to guy's who know their shit you should definitely go and check out AudioCom in Osborne Park.

So, as I've commented on at at least once in the past I think this is another case of things happening in three's. What's number three you ask? At this stage I'm keeping my mouth shut on until I see how my latest fuck up transpires. This may very well be an all time personal best though...

I assume there is atleast a few of you who read the site who are finishing year 12 shortly which means 'schoolies' is on the horizon. I'm sure that plenty of you will have cameras at the ready so this year how about sending me some pics? Am happy to receive anything from drunken exploits to bikini clad babes. Email me here.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Got an email a few weeks back from NYC based musician by the name of Jeff Everest. As always, I'm skeptical of how good music by some random I've never heard of is going to be but I was pleasantly suprised after I downloaded a few of the tracks from his site. I won't dribble on endlessly about it - I'll let you guy's judge for yourselves @ jeffeverest.com.

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a Gin and ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... tonic please?" The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?" Polar Bear says, "Don't know. I've always had them."
Wee jimmy's got no arms and no legs, and one day he's waiting for the bus. Sure enough, bus eventually pulls up and when the doors open he sees his mate Tam driving. "a'right Tam, how ye doin?" "Aye no bad Jimmy, how are ye gettin on?"

Kidism's - The Military - Wild Custom - Petals Around The Rose - Paris Hilton Porn - Mikes Angels

F-Body Perfromance - End Of The World - Drink-O-Meter - Rock Climber - Excuse Writer - Where Are They Now?

Some of you were annoyed, some grossed out, some even found it hilarious but the truth is that sometimes my sick and twisted sense of humour takes over and you guy's end up with gay anal fisting. I'm sure many of you who have checked the site between now and last Friday will be well aware of what I'm on about - the dupe Paris Hilton Sex Tape. I was going to post the real version but to be honest there is a million other sites that already have it so not much point. Sorry guy's...

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A seven year old English boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a high court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was yesterday granted to the English Rugby team, as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone!

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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500!? No blow-job could be worth that". The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vega s is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy..."


Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle

Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle

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A couple were marking their 50th anniversary and after a few pre-dinner drinks and a couple of celebratory glasses of wine, the man says to his wife, "Vesta, we've had a great life together, with blessings and contentment. But there's something I've always wondered about. Would you tell me the truth? Have you ever been unfaithful to me?

"She hesitated a moment before I heard her say, "Yes, Sidney, three times." Looking a bit shocked, he then asked, "Three times? How could that happen?" Vesta lowered her voice, and said "Well, do you remember that right after we were married we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?" Sidney nodded and admitted that those were really difficult times. "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?" Vesta asked.

By the look on her husband's face I knew this was tough to hear, but he nodded and said quietly, "Things were bad then, I remember, so I guess I can forgive you."

He hesitated before asking, "When was the second time?" She bit her lower lip before saying, "Do you remember years later when you nearly died of a heart problem and because our insurance wasn't very good, we couldn't afford an operation?" Sidney acknowledged that he did remember.

Vesta went on to add, "Then you also recall that after I went to see the doctor he performed the operation at no cost?" Sidney nodded again and admitted that although the confession shocked him, he understood that she did what she did for love of him, and he forgave her.

"So what was the third time?" Vesta lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 37 more votes?"

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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."


Kiana - Kiana - Kiana - Kiana - Kiana - Kiana - Kiana - Kiana - Kiana - Kiana

Kiana - Kiana - Kiana - Kiana - Kiana - Kiana

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year's time and see how they have adapted.

The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves. "I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks why don't you handle the cooking?" The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up!"

The team are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."

The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran off into the jungle to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since".

They all agree that they should try to find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his arse, and shouts: SUPPLIES!!!!!!!

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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted but the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

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If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework... you're a poofter.
If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing lazy prick.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks.... its sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.
If you cry... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you... she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy... that's domination.
If SHE asks you... it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear... you're a pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape... you're sexist.
If you don't... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers... you're after something.
If you don't... you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements... you're full of shit.
If you're not... you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
If you don't... there must be someone else.


A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where here was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks." replied the cab driver. He then said, "And how much for you to suck my dick on the way?" "What?! Get Out of my cab, you scum!" the cab driver said angrily. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

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An elderly couple has dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives leave the table and go into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen are talking and one says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it." The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friends replies, "A carnation?" "No. No. The other one." "The poppy? "Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that is red and has thorns?"

His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00am, on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE, PLEASE!!!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back... "WOULD THE ASSHOLE WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY KEEP QUIET AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!"

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Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa

Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please".

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper. "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money".

The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000 dollars! What does it do?". "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff".

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" "Well, I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a Contractor."

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There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty meters away. A picture perfect hole in one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." The Lord smiled. "Think about it - who can he tell?"

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Freddie Mercury, Versace and Lady Di arrive at the Pearly gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry. Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be" "Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place." "Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"

Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fanny lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor. "Excellent, you're in" says St Peter "Hold on a minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything" "Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."


The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked step mother and the ugly sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?" "Because my step mother and step sisters won't let me go to the ball" "You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you." "Oh, thank you, fairy godmother." "There is just one condition, Cinderella, and listen to it carefully. You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your vagina will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him. The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition which her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon.

The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin. He said to Cinderella as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?" "About half past two," she replied.


Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he had never even seen her nude.

As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking off his socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts. He said as much to her, but the poor girl, who had always had a bit of a complex about them, got very distraught. So much so that she sent him, blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor. The man was pretty upset at this, but, not wishing to fuel her anger further, did as he was told.

Just as he was getting off to sleep, another man came into the corridor and joined him. The first man asked the second why he was out there, to which the second replied that he was also on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his new wife's body before either. When she was undressing, he had complemented her on having a rather large bum. She hadn't been impressed with his comment, and had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor.

It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily sauntered along to join the other two. 'What's wrong with you?' Asked the first. "Did you put your foot in it as well?" "No," replied the third, "but I bloody well could have..."

There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come across a golden frog, they think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't often meet people, but when he does he gives them six wishes. He tells them that they can have 3 wishes each.

The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. Which the frog immediately does. The rabbit after thinking for a while asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head. The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he asks that all the bears in the neighbouring forests be female as well, and thus it is so!

The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine. The bear cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes that he could of had for himself.

Shaking his head, he makes his final wish, "That all the other bears in the world be female as well." The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish. The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a second, and then says: "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!

Despite the fact my email was down for the better part of a week I still have got a tonne of stuff that you guy's have sent my way. That being the case this week is reader mail overload whilst I try and clear the backlog. Got something to say? Do it here.

Francine wrote:
As some of may know I was lucky enough to score awesome seats to Saturday nights game through Vodafone and just wanted to share with you my experience. The game was fantastic and there was an amazing atmosphere.. but I found myself to be a little distracted on several occasions.. just wanted to share with you also what I was stuck sitting behind for a couple hours.. And yes I ate dinner behind it and could not help myself especially after several vodkas and encouragement from the vodafone crew :) (got a couple goals myself if ya know what I mean..................)
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Russ wrote:
Subject: Got Hacked!
Hi (again) ORSM! Commiserations on being the victim of a hacker and the headaches that must've caused. And in the interests of giving credit where credit is due (as is my wont), thank you for keeping us informed re: the next update. Normally don't see that between updates, only in post mortems. You have stemmed the "withdrawal symptoms" induced Sunami wave of depression that would've engulfed millions around the world. Russ. Toronto.

Michael Corio wrote:
Subject: Good Luck
Good luck getting Orsm back up. I'm starting to miss my favorite sight. Also when you find the dickless piece of muslim shit that downed the site, hang him by the balls. Then nuke his country. You rock man, keep up the good work.

Tracer wrote:
Subject: Cream Pie
Hello from BC, Canada. You may want to take another look at that "Cream Pie" clip from your last post. I don't know WTF they are but the chick has two little black bugs crawling around her brown eye. Needless to say I found this somewhat disturbing. However, I do always enjoy wasting time at your site, keep up the good work.

Jesse wrote:
Subject: Cream Pie Video with Tinny Animals!?
HOLY SHIT MAN!!! That video you posted for 2003.10.29-23.06 named Cream Pie. I don't know if you haven't noticed whitch I think you have. But if you haven't if you look closly where the cum is ozzing down. There's these little black things moving around!!! WHAT IS THAT!!! Ticks or something. ITS FREAKY!!!! Well I hope to get and answer, THANKS. Kepp up the AWESOME work.

Ben wrote:
Subject: Creampie Video Clip
Hey Mr ORSM, How're they hanging over there in Perth? It must be awful to have all those South Africans over there. Anyways, have you or anyone else noticed that the skanky mole in the Creampie video clip has little bugs of some description crawling around her arsehole? Her Daddy must be very proud. As always, thanks for years of enjoyment.

Jeni & Carroll wrote:
Subject: [no subject]
UGH! Did you notice the the girl in the "Cream Pie" video has crabs? Do you know how hard it is to get vomit out of a keyboard? I should send you a bill for a new one.

michael wrote:
Subject: Web page referral: snopes.com
I thought this entry from the Urban Legends Reference Pages might interest you. As always, your site rocks! I'm sure I shan't be the only one sharing this with you about Fleming & Churchill though. Whoever sent it to you (perhaps unknowingly) sent you a hoax. Respects...

Mikkel wrote:
Subject: Follow up on human dignity
David D wrote:
"Hi Mr. Orsm. Long time reader of your site here. Really enjoy all the interesting stuff you put up. I was looking at the line for the "Human Dignity" picture you put on your recent update, and i believe that the last two pictures are fake. If you look at the second to last picture closely you'll notice that the uniforms of the "Israelis" are a different color and they now appear to be wearing body armor. Also you'll notice that the one visible tire rim of the truck in the background is different. And both pictures appear to be of a much better quality than the the others. I take no side in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict but i thought your readers should be reminded to not believe everything they see on the internet." He observes correctly that theres a difference in colors on their uniforms however if you take a close look on the stairs to the right you can see the patch of grass, I think the color difference of the car is time difference, and the uniforms is most likely because more people were involved - might be military that caught the guy first, and police doing the killing for instance. It could be a fake, but I really doubt it.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Robbery in Canterbury NSW
Heya, Standard stuff but necessary: great site. Ok here's the bitch. I live in Canterbury, NSW and on Saturday 1st November I got robbed on the way home from work. It was 6pm and I was walking back to my place from the train station when I got tailed by 3 guys - if you saw them you knew they were dodgy characters. I tried various tricks to get them off my track (crossing the road, slowing down, pretending to tie my shoelace so I can keep an eye on them) but to no avail. Anyway, they ended up stopping in front of my house (I'm praying to God they stopped there because it was the last place before the end of the street and not cos they know where I live) and approached me. They surrounded me and threatened me with a flick knife, and demanded money and my phone. After bargaining with them they only took $40 and left.

Point of all this? I'm pissed off. This is the second time I've been robbed at knife point in 3 years, whilst walking back home from work (thank God I have not been injured). I do not feel that I should change my lifestyle and be scared of being attacked again, just because some fuckwit has a habit or can't get money any other legit way. I've lived in Canterbury for nearly 20 years and slowly it's getting worse, catching up with its nearby suburbs in term of crime rates. It's a decent suburb quiet middle class place and it pisses me off that scum are making it worse.

I hope that people will take note and be aware that unfortunately we have scum everywhere, even in places we didn't expect. I don't expect that the 3 fuckwits who robbed me will read this because if they can do shit like this, they wouldn't have the brains to use a computer. I just want people to be more cautious, and if you are getting desperate and want to rob someone vulnerable, just forget it and get the fuck off this planet.

Sounds pretty fucked what happened to you, mate. Have had a few conversations about this sort of thing over the last few weeks and more notably the drive-by shootings that have been happening in Sydney. I mean for fucks sake this is Australia - shit like that only happens in America right!? We're a country where everyone is meant to be mately with one another yet each day something more demented, fucked up and violent happens. Before too long the isolation and easy-going laid-back culture we've spent so long perfecting will be nothing but a distant memory. I know I'll miss it... -Orsm

Dave Millar wrote:
Subject: Telemarketers
Another champion way of dealing with the bastards is to engage them in conversation. Ask where they're calling from, what the weather's like, whether they've been following the world cup etc.. etc.. Every minute of their time you waste is another minute that won't make them any money. They're also reluctant to discontinue the conversation because, right up until you tell them to get fucked, they could still (theoretically) make the sale. Be polite, listen to their pitch and keep them on the phone for as long as you can before you blow them out of the water. It takes a little longer than just flicking them off straight away.... but you do get the satisfaction of knowing that you're making their job harder!! Keep up the good shit!!

Dean wrote:
Subject: New Mini Skirts Soooooo HOT !
I have to say Mr Orsm that the current range of mini skirts are probably the shortest what I have ever seen. Now that the weather has started to warm here in Perth, I have actually died from a heart attack 3 or 4 times at the sight of a spunk-u-lating nymphette with long, shapely, tapering, perfectly smooth legs that go all the way to her bubble butt which the said mini skirt just barely covers. Let us Praise the Lord for He truly loves us blokes. I just had to say this, and couldn't think of anywhere else to send it.

I don't think you're alone here. I managed to do a lap through Scarborough along the Esplanande last Suanday [an hour or so before the riot began] and simply could not believe what was walking around. Every-fuckin-where you turned your head there was tasty little chicks walking around showing off their assets. Out of control is probably the best way to describe it. The weird thing is that 10 years ago I was down there doing pretty much exactly the same thing I do now [will leave you guys to work that one out]. The difference is the babes aren't just wearing less, they're wearing less at a younger age. -Orsm

Wart Hogg wrote:
Subject: California news
Hey, Glad to see our election fiasco made it down under. Kinda embarassing to know most of the world laughs at us! a little bit of humor about us: You know what happened this week back in 1850...? California became a state. Back then, the state had no electricity. No money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the middle of the streets. So it was just like California today only back then the women had real breasts.

Jarod Blades wrote:
Subject: POP UPS
I enjoy your site but what's with all the Pop ups. I hate to tell you this but if they continue, I will have no choice but to stop visiting your site. Isn't there another way for you to make money with out the Pop up ads? You know that shit is worse than telemarketers right? SO FUCKING STOP DOUCHE BAG!!!!!!

I've always appreciated how for some people something for nothing just aint enough... -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Downtown Bagdad! Send Everything Assignment!
Orsm, This was taken by a friend of my girlfriend who is stationed in Iraq. Tell me the guy walking by doesn't look like a future suicide bomber. Please take my name and address off if you use this pic. Thanks

click to enlarge

Stuart wrote:
Subject: Idiot of the day
Witnessed this bus driver trying to squeeze through the small space between the cars. The guy with the aqua shirt was trying to help him get through. Someone should write a Priceless caption to this photo.

click to enlarge
Stuart wrote:
Subject: San Diego
Friends place in San Diego.. taken from her driveway..
click to enlarge

Bruce Todd wrote:
Subject: Photos of Hurricane Juan Damage in Halifax
Hey there Mr. Orsm, How's it going eh? After being pre-warned, typically complacent Canadians sit and watch virtually unprepared as one of the worst hurricanes in Canadian history rips into their lives leaving a wake of death and mass destruction.

click for gallery

clive wrote:
Subject: kawasaki go cart
hi there. I went to see the local boys do a hill climb race and this guy came with a go cart. its got a Kawasaki zx9 motor 143HP most experts said it could not be done, well hers proof. corners like a bitch. originally built for straight line speed but the local wont let him challenge anyone due to his weight advantage.

click to download click to download

Nic Brown wrote:
Subject: cool shit
hey man whats up...your site is tha shit and i see you hav an appreciation of cars so im gunna send you a few car pics that i drew cause maybe youll like them 2...cheers mate and lovin the web site!! cheers

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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'

I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared, so the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door or I'm sticking this baby up your ass.' "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first.

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Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge

Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge

I'm all for giving the little guy a hand and whilst most of these are good enough to stand on their own a little bit of extra attention form you guy's probably wouldn't go astray. Webmasters wanting links had better read here or else!

Spazzed - Booty Vote - The Digital Underground - Sexy Legs - Fucking Mother Fucker - Use Condoms

Wonder Girl - Parasite TV - Funny Pics - Bunk Files - Drunk Idol - Wizzles World - Digital Nudes

One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day.

Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods.

The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts."

The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life.

The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip-as if you were holding your husband's penis."

Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time."

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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.

He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

This guy was having his best day ever fishing the Mississippi on the Minnesota side. He catches his limit and gets ready to go. On the way out this federal DNR officer stops him. To verify everything is legal, he takes one of the fish, shoves his pinky in its asshole, pulls it out and smells it. He says, "Boy- this fish comes from the Minnesota side of the River. You got a Minnesota license?" The fisherman generates one and is allowed to leave.

The next week, he's on the Wisconsin side of the river and has incredible luck. The same federal officer shows up and gives his fish the same finger-in-the-fish pooper test. This time he asks for a Wisconsin license which the man gladly generates.

As the lucky fisherman is leaving the Federal DNR officer asks, "boy, you're a pretty good fisherman. Where you from?" The fisherman drops his pants, bends over and says: "Find out for yourself..."

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There were 2 rich men who were constantly arguing over the purpose of the head on a man's prick. One man insisted that it was for the pleasure of the man, and the other insisted that it was for the pleasure of the woman. Finally, they decided that they would fund research teams to settle the issue.

The first team, from France, came back after 6 months and $600,000. The results of the study proved conclusively that the head of the penis was for the pleasure of the woman. The first man would not believe this. So they funded another team from Italy.

3 months and $300,000 later, they came back with a study that said that the head of the penis was definitely for the pleasure of the man. To break the tie, the two rich men decided to hire a third team and chose some good ol' American boys. 5 minutes and $5 later, they came back and reported: "the head of the penis is for the pleasure of the man. - it keeps your hand from slipping off."

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more-would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"


RS - RS -RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any more and takes her complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources.

Without identifying the guy, she explains what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

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Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Ontario mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The Manitoba mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Alberta mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The Alberta mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Manitoba mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The Manitoba and Alberta mouse then turn to the Saskatchewan mouse. The Saskatchewan mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. "Gotta get home and fuck the cat."

Don't even ask... I have absolutely NO idea where it is or any info on it...

Israel Underwater Restaurant - Israel Underwater Restaurant - Israel Underwater Restaurant

Israel Underwater Restaurant - Israel Underwater Restaurant

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A man tried to book a two-week P & O cruise but the best the travel agent could get him was a three-day cruise. The man went to the chemist and bought three sea-sick pills and three condoms.

Next day the agent called to say he had a vacancy on a five-day cruise. "I'll take it," said the man. He returned to the chemist and bought two more pills and two condoms.

Two days later the travel agent called and said, "Great news! I've got youan eight-day cruise leaving tomorrow."

The man rushed down to the chemist and bought three more pills and three condoms. The chemist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Honestly, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"


A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the sequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is CELEBRATE!"

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Well that's me for this week. I hope it was worth the extra weeks wait! Anyways I'm outta here. Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and if you get bored check out one some of the most amazing chicks I ever did see! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2003.11.14-13.47

Apols for lack of update on Wednesday but it ended up being easier to give myself some breathing space and push it back a week rather than go hell for leather and do a shit one.. Anyways to make up for it I thought I'd do a quick update and leave you all with something for the weekend...

To be honest I had never even heard of Paris Hilton until last week when she landed in Australia for the Melbourne Cup. Ever since then all that anyone seems to be talking about is the sex tape she allegedly made a while back. My email was filling up with requests for this vid faster than I could say "if I get another one of these fuckin Paris Hilton emails I am shutting the site down for good". I eventually succumbed to my curiosity and what do you know...? I found it! Strap yourselves in because you guys are going to love this...

- The Paris Hilton Sex Tape -

click here for more

Alright that's all I'm good for at the moment. Hope you enjoyed that little presentation! Until next week, be good, stay off the chems and do whatever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2003.11.07-11.43

Okay so we got hacked. Tuesday 4th someone hacked the primary site server [itchy], installed a whole bunch of crap and sucked down a tonne of bandwith for a couple of hours. Anyways one thing led to another and efforts to clean the machine up resulted in it going terminal. ie. the server went down and we're stuck sitting on the other side of the world not able to do a jack shit about it.

This is where I'm glad we went with 2 servers as opposed to one big bastard. It's basically just a case of having the second server [scratchy] run everything for the time being which meant a couple of days of uploading all the new stuff from the past few months. Time consuming yes. Admittedly I probably should have had a more comprehensive back up but same as most people it is just one of those things you don't stress about until its too late. Completely retarded I know.

Anyway most of the site should now be working. What wont be working is the forums, the shite viewer, spaff.orsm.net, orsm games, prycless pics plus probably a few other things that I haven't thought of yet.

Oh and before I sign off... I know an update is due this coming Wednesday but with all the shit that's going on it may end up being delayed a week. -Orsm.

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