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October 2015...
orsmupdate 2015.10.29-18.55

Welcome to punishment blowjob.

Its news to absolutely no one that half the crap you buy on eBay is Chinese rubbish. Most of the time we're happy to put up with a few misses because things are so much cheaper than you can find locally. Recently has been a disaster though - I've been on a mini spree getting various items that will be useful when travelling. So far I'm 3 for 8.

It started with a usb flash drive which blew well past the delivery date. Spent a couple of weeks emailing the seller who kept asking me to wait. When the window before departure was getting too narrow, I ordered another one from a different seller. Impressively, it got here in no time. Plugged into my PC and loaded files no problems... until it finished and subsequently failed. Repeated several times to no avail. Emailed seller who refunded no questions asked 30 minutes later. Next up was a power bank. If you don't know, basically an external battery for phone/tablet/whatever. It too arrived quickly. Plugged into my PC and charged as the instructions instructed. Hooked it up later to my phone where it almost immediately began glowing red and emitting smoke. Ran through the house and outside hoping it wouldn't explode in my face. Emailed seller, who said not to bother sending back and refunded full amount. My earphones then managed to fuck themselves also so back to eBay for a pair. They work well although not convinced they're genuine. Bought another pair of headphones for the kid as well. I doubt they'll survive more than a few minutes but/because they were $12. The only item which was problem free was a special screwdriver bit from an Aussie seller.

Meanwhile I've ordered another usb stick. "Genuine" Sandisk and about the same combined cost of the other 2. Same deal with the power bank. Realised I don't actually need a huge one capable of powering a small city so went better quality. Both not arrived yet though so anyone's guess how we'll go.

What's interesting is that the sellers don't need much convincing to refund. They presumably sell enough to know the failure rate. And this isn't the first time I've gotten my money back for items not arriving or working either. You could actually get a lot of free stuff this way courtesy of the borderline peasant, Chinese working class. Sure, most of it wouldn't work but that's not the point - its free. There's a lesson here about buying quality shit in the first place. God knows I've done it time and time again and it always ends up costing more because you buy the cheap one, it sucks, so you go buy the better one.

Okay lets run through events of the past week... after all that's why you nosey bastards come here right? Beginning with Friday... we had tix to see The Martian. If you've been reading Orsm for any length of time you will probably know that I like sci-fi so was very keen to see it. In a nutshell: best movie going around at the moment. There's a good read here explaining how realistic the science is.

Skip to Saturday night. The other sci-fi I'd been looking forward to was Terminator: Genisys. Like just about every guy ever, I'm a huge fan of the franchise. Am torn between T2 and Salvation as my favourite but without any shadow of a doubt, Genisys is the worst. Such a wasted opportunity. Messy. Boring. Desperately hoping they don't fuck up the sequels.

Sunday. Put out hands up for a 'busy bee' at the kids daycare. Apparently these happen once a year - all the parents are asked to chip in and do cleaning or maintenance. Spent most of it spreading soil across the gardens, chatting and checking out the yummy mummies. That afternoon was a street festival which we've gone to every year for the last 5. It's ever increasing size means you have to park further away but still totally worth it - great for people watching, food and just a cheap day out. Walked around for a few hours and cost just $1. 1-fucking-dollar. Firstly there was an animal enclosure with goats and sheep for the kids to play in. That's where the $1 came in - you buy a cup of food to feed them. Totally optional too. Then there was a stall dishing out free pasta and another free tubs of yoghurt. Highlight, aside from countless nip slips, was a woman with her large-breed dog. We stop to pat it, rather the kid stops to pat it. The dog has a harness with a large patch that says 'FRIENDLY'. Kind of official looking. Ask the woman what it takes to get a dog certified as friendly... "Oh he's not certified... that's just what the harness says but he IS friendly".

Alright that's enough writing. You're about to embark on brilliant journey of self-awakening. And now you've simply got to ask yourself this: What is happiness to you? Check it...

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Too FunnyStuffed Bear Makes Blindfolded Guy Lose His Mind - Dirty Mind?50 Completely Innocent SFW Photos That Will Conclusively Prove You Have A Dirty Mind - Food PornRestaurant Introduces Burger Covered With Crumbled Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - Dat Ass!!Kate Upton Exercising While Her Trainer Stares Transfixed Sparks Internet Photoshop Battle - Every Doco EverPretty Much Every Documentary Ever - Punished!!Man Gets A Paddling To Mexican Music - Sexy Daughter"Dad! I Don't Want To Fuck You!" Those Crazy Porn Directors Have Made A Full Movie Featuring The Entire Systematic Sexual Conditioning Of Ones Daughter Into A Fuck Buddy. All In Magnificent POV. Disturbing? Sure. But Is It Fappable? - Mouth KickKickboxer Goes Down After A Kick To The Mouth - PumpkinheadBob The Pumpkin Needs To Get Somewhere. Somewhere Speshool. Somewhere For Halloween. You Are Key To Him Getting To His Destination. You Need To Launch Bob From One Halloween Head To Another And Then To Another... Its Really Not Simple At All.

Zombie BunkerYou Have Always Been A Zombie Freak And Building That Bunker In Case Of A Zombie Plague Might Have Seemed Insane To All Your Friends... But You Knew That One Day The Zombies Would Rise Up And Take The Earth - You Knew It Would Happen. And Guess What... - BlisteringFire Walker Forgets The Golden Rule - To Walk - Avril SlipAvril Lavigne Boob Slip In Skeleton Dress - Sweet PussySuper Sexy Babe Emma Mae Is Flashing Her Bare Pussy In The Mall Before Getting Completely Naked! She Is Very Pretty And The Glasses Are Really Working For Me. Not The Biggest Tits But Boy Is She The Total Package Of Hot! - F-ing DAMN!She May Have Nothing To Contribute To The World But Seriously... SERIOUSLY Look At The Body. DAAAAANG! - Whaaaaat?Holy Hell, What The Fuck Is Going On Here? Is That Real? Is It Fake? Is It A Baby? I Have No Fucking Clue, But It Is Weird As Shit. And Another Thing, It Doesn't Even Look Like Mario. He Has Overalls, Red Shirt And Hat. - DUCK!!Holy Shit! This Is One Insanely Low Take-Off At The St. Maarten Princess Juliana Airport - Fantasy FuckTiny Asian School Girl Gets Her Pussy Filled With Cock - Cam GoddessWith A Body Like That No Wonder He Came So Quickly

AddicitveJay Is Back! Somehow He Keeps Crash Landing On Obscure Planets In The Middle Of The Frookle Quadrant. It Is Your Objective In This Physics Game To Help Jay Get To The Exit On Each Level. Using His Funky Laser Gun, And Some Jumping Skills, And Some Thought, He Should Be Able To Make It Through Each Level Unscathed... - Too SkilledGetting An Orgasm Is Most Of The Time More A Problem For Women Then Men But Research Has Showed There Are Surprisingly Plenty Of Men Who Have Problems Too. And Then There Is The Other Category, Guys Who Get An Orgasm Way Too Easy. This Is Such A Guy... - ObliteratedOne Of The Worst Ferrari Crashes Ever - 90's BabeChristy Turlington Naked In A Magazine In 1995 - Wookie ArrestI Guess Not Everyone Can Be Star Wars Fans Out There. Turns Out These Trekkie Cops Are Working For Lord Vladimir Vader, And This Wookie Is Off To Get Spayed And Neutered. - Banned!After Popping A Molly (Or 5) And Getting Fucked With A Lawn Chair, This Girl Realizes Her Dreams Of Being On Worldstar Are Within Grasp And Totally Goes For It. IMHO Not Worth The Lifetime Of Shame Without Curly Fries And Roast Beef. - Tasty MaidBehind The Scenes With Leanne Crow As A Maid Is Out-Fucking-Standing! - Dildo RiderBusty Hottie Makes Her Huge Natural Boobs Bounce While Riding Dildo That Makes Her Squirt High In Sky. - Rock HardJoanna Krupa Rock Hard Nipples In Tight Dress - Petite BabePetite Babe Gets Her Ass Fucked Deep By A Seriously Fat Cock.

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room her husband yelled "You can't go out like that!" "I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!" The man agreed and went into his room. Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string. The woman said "You're going out as that?" "Yes" said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator".
I pulled my cock out of this fat girl's ass, then she turned over, spread her legs revealing her sweaty, hairy Ming, and said "Are you going to eat that?" "Your pussy?" I asked, disgusted. "Well, that" she replied, pointing at the sweetcorn on my knob.
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a wanted ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree" the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me". "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things" the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back". "I see" the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand". "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That" the owner said "is your first worry".
One day a blonde woman entered an auto body shop claiming that she'd suffered extensive damage to her new car. The mechanic thought he'd have some fun with her so he told her that she didn't need him to fixed all the dents. He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could and they'd all pop out. The woman went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway. She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when another blonde woman walked by and asked what she was doing. After hearing the whole story the second blonde pauses for a moment then responds "Helloooo! The windows are down.


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-In many countries, such as France and Australia, Halloween is seen as an unwanted and overly commercial American influence.

-There's a $1,000 fine for using or selling Silly String in Hollywood on Halloween. The prank product has been banned since 2004 after thousands of bored people would buy it on the streets of from illegal vendors and "vandalise" anything and everything. The city ordinance calls for a maximum $1,000 fine and/or six months in jail for "use, possession, sale or distribution of Silly String in Hollywood from 12:01 AM on October 31 to 12:00 PM on November 1".

-Children are more than twice as likely to be killed in a pedestrian/car accident on Halloween than on any other night.

-Orange and black are Halloween colours because orange is associated with the Fall harvest and black is associated with darkness and death.

-No matter how scary your local haunted house is, it probably can't top the Haunted Cave in Lewisburg, Ohio. Measuring 3,564 feet long, the Guinness World Records has named it the world's longest haunted house. Even spookier: It's located 80 feet below ground in an abandoned mine.

-In 1964, Helen Pfeil of Greenlawn, NY was arrested for handing out arsenic laced treats as a prank on teens she deemed too old for trick or treating.

-Scarecrows, a popular Halloween fixture, symbolise the ancient agricultural roots of the holiday.

-Candy makers supposedly lobbied to extend daylight savings time into the beginning of November to get an extra hour of daylight so children could collect even more candy (thus forcing people to purchase more candy to meet the demand). They wanted it so badly that during the 1985 hearings on Daylight Savings they put candy pumpkins on the seat of every senator.

-The largest pumpkin ever measured was grown by Norm Craven, who broke the world record in 1993 with an 836 lb. pumpkin.

-Jack O' Lanterns are pumpkins with a lighted candle inside. According to Irish legend, Jack O' Lanterns are named after a stingy man named Jack who, because he tricked the devil several times, was forbidden entrance into both heaven and hell. Therefore, he was condemned to wander the Earth, waving his lantern to lead people away from their paths.

-Halloween wouldn't be the same without pumpkins, and thankfully, there are plenty of gourds to go around. According to the United States Department of Agriculture's statistics, the top pumpkin-producing states produced 1.1 billion pounds of pumpkins in 2010.

-Stephen Clarke holds the record for the world's fastest pumpkin carving time: 24.03 seconds, smashing his previous record of 54.72 seconds. The rules of the competition state that the pumpkin must weigh less than 24 pounds and be carved in a traditional way, which requires at least eyes, nose, ears, and a mouth.

-Halloween was brought to North America by immigrants from Europe who would celebrate the harvest around a bonfire, share ghost stories, sing, dance and tell fortunes.

-The tradition of adding pranks into the Halloween mix started to turn ugly in the 1930's and a movement began to substitute practical jokes for kids going door to door collecting candy.

-Halloween has variously been called All Hallows' Eve, Witches Night, Lamswool, Snap-Apple Night, Samhaim, and Summer's End.

-Trick-or-treating was brought to America by the Irish and became popular during the early 20th century, but died out during WWII when sugar was rationed. After the rationing ended in 1947, children's magazine "Jack and Jill" radio program "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet" and the "Peanuts" comic strip all helped to re-popularise the tradition of dressing up in costumes and asking for candy from door-to-door. By 1952, trick-or-treating was hugely popular again.

-The first known mention of trick-or-treating in print in North America occurred in 1927 in Blackie, Alberta, Canada.

-Candy Corn was invented by George Renninger, a candy maker at the Wunderle Candy Company of Philadelphia in the 1880's. Candy Corn was originally called "butter cream candies and "chicken feed" because corn was commonly used as food for livestock. They even had a rooster on the candy boxes. Candy Corn had no association with Halloween or fall, and was sold seasonally from March to November. After World War II, advertisers began marketing it as a special Halloween treat due to its colours that match those of the fall harvest.

-Since it was thought the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead blurred on Oct. 31, which allowed the dead to walk among the living, humans would wear masks and costumes so the spirits would not recognise them as human.

-The biggest pumpkin pie on record was 20 feet in diameter and weighed 3,699 pounds. It wasbaked by the New Breman Giant Pumpkin Growers in Ohio in 2010, breaking their own previous world's record of 2,020 pounds. The ginormous orange pie contained 1,212 pounds of pumpkin, 233 dozen eggs, 109 gallons of evaporated milk, 525 pounds of sugar, 7 pounds of salt, and 14.5 pounds of cinnamon.

-Both Salem, Massachusetts, and Anoka, Minnesota, are the self-proclaimed Halloween capitals of the world.

-Americans purchase nearly 600 million lbs. of candy a year for Halloween. What does that look like? Imagine 16 billion fun size Snickers bars or 158 trillion individual Candy Corns. A whopping 90 million lbs. of chocolate candy is sold during Halloween week, taking a strong lead compared to other holidays. Almost 65 million pounds is sold during the week leading up to Easter and only 48 million pounds during Valentine's week.

-Valentine's Day is no longer the sweetest national holiday - at least when it come to candy sales. More than twice as much chocolate is sold for Halloween than is for Valentine's Day.

-With their link to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (a precursor to Halloween) and later to witches, cats have a permanent place in Halloween folklore. During the ancient celebration of Samhain, Druids were said to throw cats into a fire, often in wicker cages, as part of divination proceedings.

-Trick-or-treating has been around for a long time, with versions existing since medieval times. Originally, it was called "guising' and children and poor adults wore costumes and begged for food or money in exchange for songs or prayers during Hallowmas. This practice was also called "souling".

-In 2010, an Illinois town became the latest city to ban trick-or-treating for kids over 12. Teens can face fines from $100 to $1,000 for going door-to-door although according to officials, more often than not, over-age Halloween-goers are just given a warning.

-Chocolate candy bars top the list as the most popular candy for trick-or-treaters with Snickers #1.

-Harry Houdini was one of the most famous and mysterious magicians who ever lived. Strangely enough, he died in 1926 on Halloween night as a result of appendicitis brought on by three stomach punches.


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Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would - no matter what: metal, wood, stone, you name it - anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured".

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he announced a competition: Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel but, alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt but, alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there". The princess did as she was told, though she turned red with embarrassment. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

Answer: M&M's, of course, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

What were you thinking?


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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem with that strategy: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began it understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

 The magician was furious but could not do anything - it was, after all, the Captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning all who were on board - except the magician, who found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea.

As fate would have it, the parrot also survived and, when the sun came up, he spotted the one safe harbor on the open ocean - the same piece of wood. He landed and shared the space with the magician. They stared at each other with hatred, but neither of them uttered a word.

This went on for a day, and then two days, and then three days. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer. "OK, I give up" the parrot said to the magician. "Great new trick. Now where the hell is the ship?"

KAZANTIP FESTIVAL.... i want to go to there!

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-One of parents' biggest fears is that their child's Halloween candy is poisoned or contains razor blades. In reality, there are only two known cases of poisoning, and both involved relatives. In 1970, a boy died of a heroin overdose. The investigators found it on his candy, but in a twist they later discovered the boy had accidentally consumed some of his uncle's heroin stash, and the family had sprinkled some on the candy to cover up the incident. Even more horrifically, in 1974 Timothy O'Bryan died after eating a Pixy Stix his father had laced with cyanide to collect on the insurance money.

-1978 cult slasher film, Halloween was made in just 21 days on a shoestring budget. The movie was shot in the Spring and used fake autumn leaves. The mask used by Michael Meyers in the movie was actually William Shatner's mask painted white which the prop department found in a costume store. When Shatner found out years later, he said he was honoured by the gesture.

-Scottish girls believed they could see images of their future husband if they hung wet sheets in front of the fire on Halloween.

-According to the U.S. Census Bureau, California leads the nation in non-chocolate confectionary production. Out of the 409 sites that manufacture non-chocolate confections in the U.S., California is home to 45 of them.

-Halloween is the second most commercially successful holiday after Christmas.

-More than 93% of American children under the age of 12 go trick-or-treating. 67% of adults take part in Halloween activities, such as parties, decorating the house, and trick-or-treating with their children.

-Candy corn has been made with the same recipe by the Jelly Belly Candy Company since around 1900. What's in that recipe, exactly? Sugar, corn syrup, and marshmallow. One serving (about 30 pieces) has 140 calories, the equivalent of three miniature Hershey bars.

-During the pre-Halloween celebration of Samhain, bonfires were lit to ensure the sun would return after the long, hard winter. Often Druid priests would throw the bones of cattle into the flames and, hence "bone fire' became "bonfire".

-Over 10% of pet owners dress their pets in Halloween costumes. A study from the National Retail Federation shows Americans spent over $300 million on pet costumes last year!

-Got leftover Halloween candy? Save it for later! Dark and milk chocolates can last up to two years if stored in a dry, odour-free spot. Hard candy can last up to a year, while unopened packages of candy corn can last nine months.

-According to tradition, if a person wears his or her clothes inside out and then walks backwards on Halloween, he or she will see a witch at midnight.

-Over $1.5 billion is spent on costumes each year and more than $2.5 billion on other Halloween paraphernalia.

-Chocolate is clearly the preferred choice of sweets for many. Of the $1.9 billion sold in Halloween candy each year, $1.2 billion was on chocolate candy and only $680 million on sugar candy.

-The fear of Halloween is known as Samhainopobia.

-The Village Halloween parade in New York City is the largest Halloween parade in the United States. The parade includes 50,000 participants and draws over 2 million spectators.

-If you see a spider on Halloween, it is considered a good luck, as it means the spirit of a loved one is guarding you.

-In 2015, an estimated 3.2 million children are expected to dress up in princess costumes, making it the most popular kids' costume for the eleventh straight year. Batman characters are the next most popular.

-Boston, Massachusetts, holds the record for the most Jack O'Lanterns lit at once (30,128).

-Ever wonder how the broomstick became associated with witches? Elderly women who were accused of witchcraft were usually poor and could not afford horses, so they would use a walking stick, which was often replaced by a broom, to help them travel.

-Halloween is thought to have originated around 4000 B.C., which means Halloween has been around for over 6,000 years.

-Halloween is on October 31st, the last day of the Celtic calendar. It was originally a pagan holiday, honouring the dead. Halloween was referred to as All Hallows Eve and dates back to over 2000 years ago.

-Halloween celebrations in Hong Kong are known as Yue Lan or the "Festival of the Hungry Ghosts' during which fires are lit and food and gifts are offered to placate potentially angry ghosts who might be looking for revenge.

-Owls are associated with Halloween because, in Medieval Europe, owls were thought to be witches. To hear an owl's call meant someone was about to die.

-Even though the economy is tightening everyone's budget, that does not stop them from splurging a bit on this one holiday. The average American household spends $44 a year on Halloween candy. Now, that's a lot of candy.

-Many shelters don't allow black cats to be adopted around Halloween for fear that they may be tortured or sacrificed.

-San Francisco is the number 1 U.S. city for trick-or-treating.

-90% of parents admit to sneaking goodies from their kids' Halloween trick-or-treat bags.

-Candy Corn is the most searched-for candy term in Google - more popular than candy apples, gummy worms and candy pumpkins.

-50% of kids prefer to receive chocolate candy for Halloween, compared with 24% who prefer non-chocolate candy and 10% who preferred gum.

-More than 35 million pounds of candy corn will be for Halloween. That equates to nearly 9 billion pieces - enough to circle the moon nearly 4 times if laid end-to-end.

-Parents are expected to spend $1.04 billion on children's costumes-and if they're on trend, most of the cash will go toward pumpkin, princess, witch or vampire getups.

-Ireland is typically believed to be the birthplace of Halloween.

-Black cats, spiders, and bats are all Halloween symbols because of their spooky history and ties to Wiccans. All three were thought to be the familiars of witches in the middle ages, and are often associated with bad luck. Bats are even further connected to Halloween by the ancient Samhain ritual of building a bonfire, which drove away insects and attracted bats.

-Samhainophobia is the fear of Halloween.

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A young lady gets pregnant, doesn't want to have the baby, but can't afford the abortion which costs hundreds of dollars. As a last resort she turns to the internet and finds a site advertising abortions for $20. With nothing to lose, she calls them up to be told to come along tomorrow at 8 with $20, and an apple and a cookie".

Puzzled, but desperate she does so. The woman walks into the doctor's surgery, and he says "Right - let's not muck around here feet up in the stirrups and spread 'em wide! Now give me the apple".

Before she can protest, WOOP! The doc has stuffed the apple fair up her twat. "Okay now the cookie". And SCHLUP! Without so much as a how's your father the cookie disappears as well.

"Right, treatment is over for today. Please come back tomorrow - with an apple... and a cookie" says the Doc.

This goes on for a week - WOOP! SCHLUP! WOOP! SCHLUP! WOOP! SCHLUP! until, on the 7th day the Doc says "Okay, I want you to come back tomorrow with an apple... and a hammer"

 Once again puzzled but not knowing what else to do, she complies.

Next day it's up in the stirrups...WOOP! with the apple... then the doctor picked up the hammer... and waited.

Eventually this little head pops out and says "OI!... where's me fuckin' cookie!??!"

Then BAM!


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On a Sunday evening, a young woman drove herself to a meeting she had up north the next day, when she noticed that she was running low on gas and didn't know where the next gas station was.

Just as she thought she would have to pull over and sleep the night on the side of the road, she came across a rather dodgy-looking petrol station. When she pulled in, the attendant made his way round the car and seemed to be very distracted when she asked him to fill it up. She even thought that the man was making faces at her!

He finally agreed to get the gas, but then asked her to pop open the hood of the car because there "seemed to be a problem". Naturally, the woman became a little anxious - she was all alone in a remote gas station, out in the middle of nowhere and it was obvious that the attendant was trying to find reasons to keep her there. He asked her to come look at the engine, because he had to "show her something".

Not wanting to seem hysterical and paranoid, she did as he asked. As she rounded the front of the car he grabbed her arm and said that her car needed to be towed to the nearest town and she would have to come into the office to complete the paperwork. He then put his hand over her mouth and forced her into the office. She began to bite his hand once they were inside and he let her go.

He explained to her that there was a man crouched down in the backseat of her car and the attendant didn't want him to know that he'd been seen. They called the police who came to arrest the man who, it was later discovered, was a known serial killer.


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Two friends moved to New York, and because rent was so high, they shared a studio apartment. One of the girls was a real party girl and the other apparently a stay-at-home type.

One Friday evening the party girl headed out for a night on the town, and asked her flatmate to come along. The girl declined and said she was going to read and then go to bed early.

The girl had been out at the local bar for a few hours when she remembered she had forgotten something. By this time, pretty plastered, she stumbled back to the apartment and quietly let herself in. Not wanting to wake her flatmate, she didn't turn the light on, picked up whatever it was she went back for and returned to the bar.

When she got home the next morning, she opened the door to this: her flatmate's head had been cut off and was lying on the floor. Scrawled in her blood on the walls were the words "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?"


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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said "What a beautiful baby". The mother said "Why, thank you, Johnnie" Johnnie said "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?" "Yes" the mother replied "We are so thankful, the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.''

"That's great" said Little Johnnie "'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!"


Well what can I really say here? Oh I know...

-Check out the site archives. Don't make a thing out of it. Just do it and we'll worry later why you didn't listen to me sooner.
-Next update will be next Thursday. This is important to know, obviously.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will whack your dog.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and URGH! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.10.22-19.55

Welcome to reward sex.

My highlight of the week was this morning. Up bright and early to exercise, there are a few busy intersections along my route. GF had tagged along and we were pushing the stroller with child strapped in. Come up to the last busy intersection before home and stop for traffic. Its peak hour so cars everywhere. Press the crosswalk button and wait... then there's a gap so we zip across... then across another lane in front of a woman who is waiting at a red light... then across the final lane to the other side. This causes the foul mouthed slurry who was at the front of probably 50 other cars to wind down her window and unload: "Blah blah something fuck cross something assholes blah". Couldn't quite make it out except the jist was along the lines of: friend, please don't press the button if you're not going to wait. Let's keep in mind she was at a red light and pressing the button or not pressing the button doesn't impact her in any way. None.

Mixed feelings after that charming encounter though. I went from being annoyed: 'who does she think she is?', to genuinely amused: 'hopefully I ruined the cunts day', to sad for her: 'how fucked must you be to abuse people not inconveniencing you?', before going back to amused again. And this experience is the basic problem with the world [or at least the one I live in] - another glaring example of someone believing their needs are more important that everyone else's. *I* have to be somewhere. *I* am busy. *I* don't want to wait. And so on. People are idiots.

Speaking of idiots... don't think I've ever felt like more of a stalker than I did at the weekend. So Friday I was shopping with aforementioned child. As we went up and down the supermarket aisles, a very hot girl/woman was going the opposite direction. What this meant is we went past each other probably 10 times. This was completely okay with me because short shorts and high quality rig overall. Finished up and thought no more about it. The next day I went back to the same shopping centre. Driving through the carpark 2 girls walk out from behind cars not looking. I stop and let them pass. Sure enough one of the girls is her - same short shorts. She sees me and keeps going. I kept going to a completely different entrance, parked and went inside. As I'm walking through, out of nowhere the same girl suddenly appears from a corridor and we cross paths except she holds her arms out and exclaims "REALLY?" Felt mortified. Felt like a stalker. And what do you do? Keep walking. Pretend she wasn't talking to you and hope to god you never see her again.

Okay on to everything else. A reasonably low key weekend was had. It never really got off the ground in any sort of remarkable or noteworthy kind of way but as I have space to fill will talk about it anyway...

After punching out exercise and some motherfucking eggs we set about cleaning the car. The thing is a fucking disaster zone - rubbish and dirt and sultanas and just shit everywhere. Ripped everything not bolted down out and washed and vacuumed top to bottom before heading to the carwash and ploughed what seemed like a fortune into the machine getting its exterior clean. By the time I got back home the other car was vacuumed and ready so took that to the carwash too. A few hours later we had 2 clean cars. Great. Just great. Well it was until one was parked under a tree and rained on the next day... and the other got destroyed with baby spew on Monday. Great. Just great.

Sunday was a gigantic success... on a personal level. Amongst numerous tasks around the house, the most important was my desk and office. The piles of papers/letters/bills covering everything were slowly dealt with. Come days end, everything was 100% up to date. No paper anywhere and everything either paid, filed or shredded. If that weren't enough, pulled boxes of papers out of the cupboard and filed them in the cabinet that I was so desperate for but has sat empty for 3 months.

The biggest benefit of all this was psychological - feel clearer and less weighed down. Very unusual let me tell you... and that is probably why I got off my ass earlier in the week and setup an Orsm Facebook and Instagram. You'll see the same vids and pics in your newsfeed as you do here except due to the obvious, no nudity. For Facebook you can go to fb.com/orsm.net and click like and for Instagram you can find me at instagr.am/orsmgram. Not forgetting of course that I've been on Twitter for ages which is @orsmdotnet. Take your pick.

Sometimes the words just flow and thankfully today was one of those days. Even had to chop a couple of paragraphs out but if you weren't overly enthralled by what you just read/endured then do not fret because everything gets better from here. What you're about to find below is unquestionably the best update in the history of the world. Check it...

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Sexy ForceSara Jean Underwood Auditions For Every Star Wars Character - Nerd Porn55 Amazing 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' Images You've Likely Never Seen Before - Fire PowerReloading The World’s Biggest Combat Jet Gun - Handjob CabinIs The Greatest Horror Movie That Doesn’t Exist—But You’ll Wish It Did - LOL DumbassSomeone Get That Kid A Puffer. - WT-FRUCK!?Perv Walks Into An Elevator With Two Women Then Pulls His Pants Down And Has A Wank - OrgasmafailIt's Bottom Of The Ninth In Ling Ling's Fap Session. She's Been Grinding Her Wanton With A Hi-Power Vibrator For About 10 Minutes And Right As She's About To Burst... Her Little Brother Hilariously Ruins Everything. - Great EndingAwesome Babysitter Story From The Graham Norton Show - Pinball CoolThis Game Puts The Freak Into Pinball... You're About To Embark On A Trip Into The Bizarre, Into The Weird, Into The Freaky... It's Pinball Time! How Will This Journey End? Who Knows... Only Time Will Tell... Only You Will Know...

Cyber ChaserIt Is Time To Take Revenge To Aliens For Their Treacherous Invasion. This Gun-Run Game Combines The Exciting Gameplay Of Joyride Jetpack And Insane Old-School Action Of Contra. Unlimited Fun Is Waiting For You Again! - Drugs R BadDon't Do Drugs Kids - Girl Turns Into Walking Zombie - God DamnSelena Gomez Braless In See Through Black Top - Kitchen StripNatalia Starr Is Baking Up Some Yummy Cupcakes And Terrific Tits In This Set! Don’t Think I’m The Only One Who Would Like To Taste Her Cupcakes More Than The Ones She’s Baking. Tasty Stuff! - Wonderful MuffLiv Tyler Showed Her Bush In The Left Overs And It's Pretty Fucking Sweet - Poop FailThis Drunk Fuck Decided To Go Against His Best Interest And Hop On The Robo-Bull. Turns Out There Are Some Things He Should Hav Thought Twice About. Such As Not Hopping On The Bull While Having A Case Of Mud Butt... - Busty BlondeBusty Blonde Gets Rammed From Behind. This Chick Is Fucking Hot As Fuck. - AsinineAustralian Man Harassed Over Tattoo Of Hindu Goddess In India - Fucked HardRocco Fucks A Slut So Hard She Has To Tap Out

FrustrationA Casual Game About A Bouncing Ball On A Board. Tap A Tile To Turn It Into A Wall So The Ball Can Bounce Off It And Change Direction. Get As Many Big Balls As Possible. Like Life, The Longer The Game Goes, The Harder It Gets. - Too BIG??When Fucking A Large Cock Its Wise To Take Control And The Best Position To Do This Is Riding On Top... So I Don't Know Where It Goes Wrong But Check The End Of The Video, She Stands Up And Is Obvious In Lots Of Pain. - Epic BeejLooking Down And Seeing These Two Bitches On My Rod Would Probably Make Me Bust, Then Go For Round 2. - Robbie CreepRobbie Williams Gets Accidentally Creepy With A 15 Year Old - Nasty GirlsThese Bitches Are Fucking Crazy. - PerfectionFantastic Pics Of Gorgeous Brunette Jasmine A Posing Nude In Her Bedroom! Her Tits Aren’t The Biggest But They Are Absolutely The Perfect Size For Her Body. - Pussy BulgeAlexa Vega Shows Off Her Buldge And Cameltoe - Dick FaceThe Internet Is Full Of Guys Like This Trying To Take Things To A New Level. Well I Guess We Made A Mistake Calling This Guy A Dick Face...Then Again I Think We Probably Won Since They Videotaped It. - You'd Hit ItSaskia De Brauw Is A Model Who Has Great Tits... But She Looks Like A Boy, Because Being Gender Obscure Is The New Being A Tart With Huge Fake Tits Like A Barbie Doll. - The FeelsThe Purest Kind Of Friendship

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?" The farmer replied "No, I didn't knowd that". The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said "To Memphis". The cop said "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis". So the farmer promised he would. Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis". And to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun that I'm taking him to the circus!"
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says "Did you see that?" pointing to the sky". "No" the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says. "Oh" says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!" "Yah, okay" says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice. A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" This time pointing behind them. By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says "Yah, I SAW IT!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
There are three mums. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed!" They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake ID in my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her. Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
Got this text from my brother recently. It read "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"


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I've been lucky when it comes to flying. Have never found myself stuck on a flight with some inconsiderate jerkhole or forced to endure a delay or countless other annoyances that happen. It's always better when that shit happens to someone else and here are some of their stories...

-Recently I was on a Vegas to Boston flight when some poor guy passed away on the plane. We diverted to NY and emergency personal carried him off the plane and his widow was also escorted from the plane. Just before we took off to resume our flight, some jackass in the front row looks at the clearly stricken flight attendant and asks if we now all get free drinks.

-My worst flight was on a trip from Dublin to London. Out of nowhere, the plane took a nose dive for about eight seconds! I know it doesn't seem like that long, but seriously, count for eight seconds. That's a long nose dive! Passengers started screaming, luggage went flying out of the overhead bins and the lights went out. So scary! I really thought the plane was going to crash. Everything ended up being okay, at least I think so. The pilot never even announced what happened.

-My dad always tells the story of how his friend from work delayed a flight by three hours for jokingly asking the pilot "Didn't I see you at the bar?" He didn't realise that because of that joke would end with clearing the plane of all passengers, bringing in a new pilot, and causing the original pilot to go through some serious shit.

-Being from the East Coast, I often flew Eastern Airlines. There was never a trip that something did not go wrong. Once I flew from Rhode Island to Washington D.C. and ended up in Hartford, Connecticut for the night instead. It stopped in Hartford and when it landed the pilot landed so hard and fast that when he applied the brakes, the back door blew off. It was something to see, watching the runway from the back of the plane with no door. Fortunately we had already lost the cabin pressure so no one flew out with the door and the seat they were in. Needless to say, after so many mishaps on their record, Eastern went out of business".

-My dad was on a flight to go somewhere for vacation. Everyone was well into the flight when this guy in a nice suit had this liquid pouring onto him from the overhead cabin. The guy screamed out "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" and without missing a beat this little old lady with a thick southern accent says "Das my Shrimp!" This was pre 9/11, so she was able to get frozen shrimp on a plane.

-On a recent flight I was seated directly across from a very ill woman. This wasn't simple motion sickness either. She was using her complimentary 'bag' before we even began taxiing. The flight attendants asked her if she wanted to deplane but she insisted on staying and continued to get sick for the entire flight, shaking and lying across three seats. Eventually, the attendants just gave her an industrial-sized black garbage bag. Yuck. Trust me, nobody within a three-row radius ate their in-flight snack.

-A friend of mine was a flight attendant who told me that a guy called the air hostess and very politely asked if the pilot could shut off one of the jet engines so his son could sleep peacefully.

-My daughter, her girlfriend and I, had just completed our Costa Cruises journey. We had used the chartered flight supplied by the cruise line for our air travel from New York to Tampa. On the return flight, they did not have assigned seats for the passengers, and seating was being done on a first-come, first-served basis. Total chaos broke out as people started fighting over seats and trying to keep their families together. Passengers were yelling "Women and children come first". They were an all Italian group. Some of the fighting was in Italian or broken English. A man almost punched a woman, and there were loud comments such as "You shut-up-a you face" "I'm a-gonna puncha you in-a the mouth!" Finally, stewards and stewardesses straightened everything out.

-I once got a seat next to a 6'6, 400 lb, mammoth of a fat man. The arm rests could not go down. His leg was literally on top of mine and my torso hung out into the isle. After take-off, I get out of the seat and stood in the back of the plane until final approach. The nice flight attendant said "Sorry about that. I don't know why they put the two biggest guys next to each other". It was then that I realised I was the second fattest person on the plane.

-I was squeezed into the middle seat between two football-player-sized fellows who smelled of garlic and last night's beer. We sat on the tarmac for five hours. They wouldn't let us off the plane, and would not serve food or let us stand or go to the bathroom as we were waiting for permission to take off and the air conditioning didn't work! The two fellows on either side turned into a bath of sweat. Finally we took off, and took a very long flight detour to south as there were storms in our path. The hot food had long since cooled off. The cold drinks were warm, and the staff finally decided they couldn't serve the food as it was not safe to eat. Of course, any connecting flights were non-existent on our arrival in Chicago, many hours late. And at the baggage counter, they advised that they couldn't find the luggage of anyone on the whole plane.

-My mum was a pilot for Northwest Airlines. She was a woman captain, and a man comes on her airplane, takes one look at her and says "Ugh, a woman captain. I'm getting off". She replied "Good, get off my airplane. There are people waiting on the standby list to get on". The guy turned right around and got back on. We guessed he wanted her to submit and ask him nicely to come back.

-I always say a silent prayer to the airplane gods that I don't get stuck next to or around anyone with small children or babies. Well, this one time I was stuck in front of the kids from hell. My seat was kicked, food was thrown and my ears were assaulted to the point I had to put earplugs in. Everyone around me was suffering. The flight attendant was constantly telling the parents that they had to get the kids under control... they just stared blankly and didn't have a clue. I went to the restroom and came back, but at the time didn't notice that my camera and case were missing from my seat. Then I heard a CRASH. The brats had apparently helped themselves to my equipment, taken it out of the case and dropped it on the floor. I was livid. It cracked the casing so the battery no longer stayed inside. The parents took NO responsibility at all. Wouldn't even give me their name and personal information so I could have my insurance company contact them. When they deplaned, the whole back of the aircraft was a dumpster. Food, and anything else you can imagine, was flung all over the seats vacated by the family. The flight attendant was great, and the airline took care of my camera and actually covered the cost of repairing it.

-My uncle worked for a major airline and was told a famous story about how a flight attendant could not speak to Lucille Ball and had to ask her assistant what Ball would want to drink. Another story was that a flight attendant accidentally dropped a glass of water on Ball. Lucille kept saying it was ok, and asked for another glass of water. When the attendant came back with it, Lucille threw it right back saying "How do you like it?"

-About 20 years ago I was taking a flight back to New York via Mexico City. It was a twin engine jet and I snagged a window seat just forward of the starboard wing. About 20 minutes into the flight, the engine started trailing flames. Suddenly, there were a lot of very scared people on board. The pilot shut the engine down and the flames died out but the flight got very bumpy and it seemed the plane was vibrating. Somehow we limped into Mexico City where we were greeted on the runway with emergency foam and just about every emergency vehicle that the airport must have had access to. The pilot put us down on the ground rather gracefully, and after a quick inspection they towed us to a gate. For some reason they didn't want anyone deplaning and they kept us in the airplane for about an hour while the mechanic worked on the engine. And when I say worked, I mean worked. The guy tinkered with the engine for about 40 minutes, then said something to two confused-looking fellows on the ground off to the side of the wing and then started beating on it with a pipe wrench. Nine or 10 good whacks later the whole engine tore loose and plunged to the tarmac. At this point, they decided we might be slightly delayed... and finally let us off the plane to a waiting room. They left us there for about three hours, telling us that a new plane was coming. Then they announced that they didn't have another plane and that this one was being repaired. Some point during the next seven hours the pilots timed out and couldn't fly so we waited another four hours for a fresh flight crew. We got home, 18 hours late, and I'll never again fly a local airline into that area of the world.


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The second coming occurs and Jesus appears at an office. He tells the staff to line up and he will cure what ails them.

First Jesus asks the boss what ails him. "Oh Jesus I broke my leg 6 months ago and the doctors have told me I'll never play Rugby again". Jesus waves his hand. "You are cured my son". "Oh wow, Jesus you're incredible! My leg feels better already".

Next, Jesus asks the secretary what ails her. "Oh Jesus, I get really bad psoriasis on my hand, especially when I'm feeling stressed". Jesus waves his hand "You are cured my daughter". "Oh wow, Jesus you're incredible! That's cleared up already".

Next Jesus asks the temp what ails him "Oh Jesus, I have a terrible hangover. It feels like my head is about to split in two". "Did you cane it really hard my son?" asks Jesus. "Yes, yes I did my lord". Jesus smiles and waves his hand "You are cured my son". "Oh wow Jesus, you're incredible! I feel better already".

Finally Jesus asks the IT guy what ails him. "Well Jesus for three years now I've been suffering from M.E. or as it's properly known Chronic Fatigue Syndrome". "Yeah, yeah, we all get tired".


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There's a Jew, a Hindu and a Scouser. They're on a long road trip and can't find anywhere to stay the night. Finally they find a dodgy motel that has some space, but the proprietor tells them the only room left contains one single bed. They agree that two of them will share the bed and the third will sleep outside in the barn.

The Jew volunteers to sleep outside, and the Hindu and the Scouser settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch.

After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the Jew. "I'm sorry guys, but there's a pig in the barn. Pigs are regarded as unclean animals in my religion and I couldn't possibly share a room with it".

So, the Hindu heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Scouser settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch.

After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the Hindu. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn. Cows are regarded as sacred animals in my religion. I couldn't possibly desecrate it with my unholy presence".

So, the Scouser heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Hindu settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.


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-On a flight from JFK to Heathrow post 9/11, while the plane was about 4th or 5th in line for take-off an American lady demanded to be let off the plane. The attendant naturally refused since the doors were closed and they were almost at the runway. The lady went nuts and called 911 from her cell phone and said she was an American citizen being held against her will on a foreign airline and they were about to take off and she was going to be taken to another country. In about 3-4 minutes police and FBI vans surrounded the plane, pulled her out and grounded the flight pending further investigation. In the end she was just a nutjob who ruined everyone's flight.

-I remember back in '98 when I was coming back from a trip to Poland, some guy on the plane claimed that he had a bomb. Everybody started to panic. We had already landed in the airport, but since this person made this allegation we couldn't get to our gate. So they boarded us on a bus and we waited and watched for three hours as all our luggage was removed from the plane and sniffed by a dog. No air conditioning in the bus and no food or anything. Turns out there was no bomb... the guy was just drunk and was mad they wouldn't give him another beer.

-I get that on long flights you want to get up and stretch your legs a little, no problem. But on a 45 minute express flight is it really necessary to get up and start doing yoga in the back galley? Get out of my way so I can finish serving drinks to the other 70 passengers on board.

-I was traveling from Salt Lake City to Atlanta on a Delta 767. We were on our take-off roll when the pilot jammed on the brakes and brought the whole proceeding to a halt. As we taxied off the runway, the pilot informed us that an engine warning light had illuminated in the cockpit and he had to abort the take-off. Back at the gate, the maintenance crew did their inspection and could find nothing wrong with the engine. Maintenance decided to call headquarters for advice. Their response was to not worry about the light and send the flight on its way. As you can imagine, everyone had a death grip on the armrests when we started down the runway for a second time. Fortunately we flew off without a problem however, it took a day or two for my blood pressure to get back to normal.

-While waiting (an hour and a half on the plane) to start taxiing, some members of our tour group had a bird's-eye view of airport crew members attempting to start the left engine of the plane using a broom (yes, a floor-sweeping tool). This did not work (and we were probably better off that way in spite of the long delay) and they never did get the left engine to start. I can only imagine what those sitting at the gate waiting for the next flight thought watching our flight crew's primitive attempt to 'clean' out and start our plane's engines.

-I've been punched in the face, propositioned, witnessed multiple couples try to get it on in the seats, had one couple try to do it in the galley, had my butt pinched, watched arguments break out over seats being reclined, been told the quality of ginger ale I serve is not of a high enough calibre, seen bare feet on bulkhead walls at face level, seen bare feet ever, had someone try to stow their luggage on my jumpseat shortly before landing, and had trash dumped on my food tray while I was still eating from it. Ah the glamorous life of cabin crew.

-Flying to Denver, I asked a United Airlines agent for permission to carry on an extra item (a cooler containing frozen South Dakota pheasants) and received verbal permission to do so. However, when I reached the security checkpoint, a single employee of a private security company was acting as gatekeeper for the area and refused to let me pass. I asked both this person and the TSA staff working adjacent to contact United to confirm my authorisation, but they did nothing while giving me the impression that they were trying. They suggested that I go back to the United ticket counter myself to get an agent to come to the gate. The inevitable result was that I missed my flight.

-I have been a frequent traveller all my life and on a flight last year, we just couldn't seem to get any lift (altitude) for the first 15-20 minutes. Furthermore, with my flying experience in both military and civilian areas, I noticed we were over land too long on a flight that should have headed immediately over the Atlantic for its journey to the Caribbean. On top of that I detected the Milky Way set of stars in the sky three times, which indicated we were in a slow circling pattern. Only then, after 45 minutes or so, the captain stated that we were having a problem and the plane could not pressurise. He 'thought' it was because one of the doors was not shut properly, but had to talk with the ground crew to discuss this emergency. I continued to notice we were circling and dumping fuel for a potential eventful landing back at the airport we started more than 2.5 hours earlier. We landed hard as the plane obviously had more fuel than was intended, yet it had to leave enough on-board for a touch and go. Upon landing we were first told this could be taken care of - while we remained in our seats, mind you. I laughed. Eventually we were allowed off the plane and told to leave personal effects aboard as we would reboard in a matter of minutes. Finally a new plane was rolled up to an adjacent gate for our trip down. Realising the plane could basically blow up because of it not being pressurized, I found it a bit much. I truly believe many of the passengers on-board didn't know either what was occurring or how bad the situation was. Not only did I fly down to my destination (and it took a day to relax down there), I was given a free roundtrip ticket to fly anywhere the airline flies and I have a trip planned very soon.

-I was on a Continental flight from Houston just before Christmas. The flight was listed as on time until we were supposed to board the plane, when the ground staff came on the loudspeaker and told us they could not locate the flight crew. We were assured that it would only be a short delay. Four hours later, the flight crew finally arrived and a grumpy bunch of people boarded for the 2.5-hour flight to Pittsburgh. Once on-board, we started taxiing. We were in line for take-off when the sole flight attendant noticed that his galley light had burned out. The pilots asked him if he could just do without it, but he insisted we return to the gate to have it checked. The maintenance staff had it repaired in about 30 seconds, but the pilots came on and told us they had 'timed out' - our little detour to get this light bulb replaced meant that we could not make it to Pittsburgh in the amount of flight time the pilots were allowed. Since it was now nearly 10pm, there were no other flight crews available and the flight was cancelled. An angry group of passengers descended on the Continental desk to get their reservations changed. Someone from the Continental ground staff obviously felt threatened by them because they called the police, who showed up threatening to arrest everyone on the flight. I related this story to the security guards as I was passing through security to get on my rescheduled flight and they said "Isn't that the flight where the woman died?" I hadn't heard anything about it that night, but apparently someone from that flight died in the terminal... probably a heart attack from stress.

-A friend was on her way to Hawaii to get married and was sitting in an aisle seat. The woman sitting in the seat across the aisle and slightly behind my friend decided to change the diaper of her toddler on her lap. Needless to say, she did not cover him with a diaper, and he proceeded to spray into the air and across the aisle all over my friend, completely drenching her lovely dress! The woman never even acknowledged the event, much less apologise. To add insult to injury, when my friend arrived, her luggage was missing, including her wedding dress. The luggage did eventually arrive just in time for her wedding, but she was soaked again when the resort sprinklers were turned on in time to catch the bride and groom in their open horse-drawn carriage leaving the ceremony".

-I was on a red eye flight to London once. In the morning when everyone was getting up to pee after being asleep this one lady decided to spend about 20 minutes in the bathroom putting her makeup on. So much hate.

-One of my best friends was a flight attendant for a few years so I've heard some insane stories from her. My absolute favourite was when she had to wait on Nicki Minaj in first class on a flight. She said Nicki was pretty much the worst passenger she'd ever waited on. She was rude, demanding, and kept doing weird shit like order a vodka cranberry and when the flight attendant would deliver it she'd take one sip, hand it back to her and ask for another. My friend told me that her whole posse kept doing this until they had gone through almost all the mini bottles.

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Three guys are in a pub chatting about how nothing exciting happens to them anymore. One of them hits upon the idea that they should all get smashed, go home and whatever their wives say they should take literally thus giving them each an amusing story for the following week.

So they get drunk and head their separate ways and the following week they all meet up and tell their stories.

Firstly a battered looking Dave goes first. "Well when I got home I fell over the gate, smashed a milk bottle and crashed into the front door. The wife opened it and said 'Well wake the whole street up why don't you!!' So I did".

They all have a chuckle at Dave's story then a frazzled looking Mike steps up. "That's nothing, when I got in I sparked up a fag and dropped it on the carpet. So the wife says 'Burn the bloody house down why don't you?' So I did".

Again they all chuckle and then they turn to Pete as he places a carrier bag full of rancid meat and what seemed to be hair on the table. "Well that's nothing! When I got home I felt really horny so I went up the bedroom, got into bed and started to finger the wife. She turned to me and said 'Well you can cut that out for a start...'"

69 GLORIOUS NIP SLIPS will make you weep tears fof joy

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On his tenth birthday, a father asks his son what he most wants in the world. "It can be anything" he says "anything at all". "Oh boy!" says the son "In that case, could I rent a whore?" "Erm, well, no you can't son". "Why not?" "Well it's illegal to have sex until you're 16, son". "Can I hire one then, dad?"
"Yes, of course you can".

On his 16th birthday, as promised a whore comes to the house.

"Oh thank you, dad!" cries the boy "Is it okay if I open it now?" "Yes of course son" replies Dad "Thank fuck your mother's dead eh?"

So the son goes to the bedroom, where he suddenly realises he doesn't actually know what to do, so does the only thing he can, and asks his dad.

"Dad" he shouts through "She's taking her clothes off, what do I do?" "Take your clothes off too, son!"

About twenty seconds later the son shouts "Dad, she's getting into my bed". "Get into your bed too, son".

"She's kissing me, dad". "Kiss her too, son".

"Dad what's hap-" "That's an erection, son". "Right".

After a pause a panicky voice shouts "What do I do now, dad?" "Put your big hairy thing into her big hairy thing son".

A few minutes later the father hasn't heard anything else from the bedroom so assumes his son must be doing well until he hears a muffled cry of "Dad, my head's stuck".


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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself" and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry!"

AVERAGE GIRLS have a lot to offer...

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A teacher at school is trying to emphasise to her pupils the point of having a good breakfast, and how it makes you cleverer than those who don't eat it.

To make a point, she asks John, the cleverest boy in the class what he had for breakfast. "Muesli and a slice of wholemeal toast with jam, miss". Then she asks him how many states there are in America "50, miss".

She then asks Jenny, the cleverest girl in the class what she had for breakfast. "A big bowl of Frosties and a big glass of orange juice miss" and she asks her what the longest river in the world is "the Nile miss"

She then turns around and asks Billy, the stupidest kid in the class what he ate. "I had a stale crust for breakfast, miss". The class giggled, the teacher tutted and told him he should have something more substantial.

"Okay Billy, can you tell me where the Indian border is?" "Oh that's easy!" exclaimed Billy "He's in bed with me mum. That's why I only had a stale crust for my breakfast!"



-Check out the site archives. Also check out Orsm on FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM and TWITTER and be glad you did.
-Next update will be next Thursday or as its pronounced in Australia: Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make you sit through all 5 seasons of Big Love.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't listen to people who tell you what to do. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.10.15-17.47

Welcome to here's Sub-zero! Now... plain zero!

My biggest annoyance last week was the inability to breathe; basically couldn't draw a full/deep breath. That shit can get distressing - you have to stop, concentrate and just go slowly for fear of not being able to breathe at all. This ailment isn't something new. Usually comes once or twice a year then disappears without explanation a week later. After becoming tired and frustrated I trundled off to the doctor. Last saw him in April when the same thing happened. We ran through a bunch of tests which turned up nothing and was sent on my way with a 'probably anxiety' diagnosis. This time around I got a consultation on lowering stress and blah blah. I specifically said "What you're saying makes sense but there are too many factors which don't add up. It's viral. It'll be gone by Sunday". The response somewhere along the lines of "Relax more, you don't need meds".

Just sort of persevered with it for the next couple of days after that and sure enough, come Sunday, the symptoms began to ease. Monday, back to 100%. This is exactly how it played out last time. Even the days are the same. Now if anyone can think of a reason anxiety may affect someone's breathing for exactly a week and clear up on a Sunday then I'd love to hear about it. Maybe there's some regressed childhood thing where a weird neighbour sat on my chest twice a year for a week? In a strange coincidence, our kid down with a viral breathing thing at the weekend too. The moral of the story, obviously, I'm smarter than doctors. That... and you know your body better than anyone so don't take what they say as gospel.

Saturday was 'date night'. Fucking hate that term. Let's be honest - it's a way for couples with children to make themselves feel better about doing something occasionally, that they used to do frequently. So we headed for the coast to watch the sunset with a kabillion other people doing the same thing. And it was a little bit awesome - nearby was a group of ridiculously fit bodied people doing tricks on a tightrope. Cue loose clothing. Roll pervage. All while enjoying a drink. Date night off to a good start.

We headed for a restaurant afterward. Got talking about 'the friend zone' and how its almost exclusively girls putting the guys in; not the other way around. Asked various waitstaff their experiences as they passed our table. Almost all the girls agreed to having put guys in there but never having been in it themselves. Not exactly shocking news. The only one who didn't share that opinion said she'd been put in there many times by many guys. Let's be honest here... guys are simple. If a girl is offering it up then we can work with that. UNLESS... the girl is a) terrible in bed or b) too slutty.

The only other revelation for the evening was Uber. Let me preface this by saying I'm so sick to fucking death of hearing about Uber. I'm secretly a lover of talkback radio but Uber has gotten so much coverage in the past year I now switch it off when the topic comes up. Anyway... I finally got around to setting up my Uber account properly ahead of travelling next month and thought we should give it a shot. So I whip out the app and order one up. Suddenly it's on the way and then my phone rings. It's the driver and she'll be right there. Matter of fact she was so quick we hadn't a chance to even pay the restaurant bill. Walk down and there's a Mercedes parked waiting for us. She spoke English, wasn't from overseas, offered us bottled water, didn't spend the entire trip on the phone and best of all, cost us half what a normal cab would of. I'm one of those people who can see why destroying the traditional cab industry is a bad thing but holy shit the Uber experience was light years ahead of the shit we're used to.

Alright that'll do it with the words. I would suggest setting as much time as you can spare to ingest this update. It's a monster and beyond insanely awesome. Check it...

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Cosplay BabesRussia Might Have The Hottest Female Cosplayers On The Planet - Frkn' Cool!Light Painting Using LEDs Attached To The Wheels - Classic ComedyMayor Leaves A Meeting But Forgets To Turn Off Mic - Drunk Much?50 Hilarious Reasons Why It's Not A Good Idea To Pass Out At A Party—Ever - 30lb BurritoYou Could Be Part Owner Of A Mexican Restaurant If You Eat A 30 Pound Burrito - RIGHT AngleIt's All A Matter Of Perspective — 62 Photographs That Were Taken At Just The Right Angle - Rape KissThis Italian News Show Gets Weird Fast - Brutally Honest45 Hilariously Honest And Perverse Notes From Kids That Will Shock You Into Laughter - BlipsA Blip A Day Keeps The Blops Away. Or So The Old Saying Goes. Now For The Question You Have Been Waiting For - Are Your Blip Putting Skills Up To Par? Fill The Screen With Squares And Get Points For The Ones That Touch. Can You Get The High Score?

Driving ForceDrive A Police Car At High Speed And Fight Crime Against A Dangerous Gang Of Racers. Finish Various Missions To Unlock New Cities And Objectives. Expect Police Chases, Crashes, Explosions And Lots Of Action In This Game. - Plain WeirdThe Ted Bundy Sex Doll Treatment. She Was Carefully Sculpted By The Loving Hands Of A Master Craftsmen. Made To Be Life Like, Made To Look Real, Made For Your Loser Uncle To Fornicate With. Made To Be Destroyed. - Tits RevealBruce Willis' Daughter Scout, Braless In Black Lace Blouse - Beach BabeYum-Yum-Yummy pics of a naked and busty Viola Bailey masturbating at the beach!! This set will Blow Your Mind. One Of Her Best!! - Sexiest AliveEsquire Just Voted Emilia Clarke The Sexiest Woman Alive And You Will Most Likely Agree - Durty GurlI Guess No Matter Where You Go The Subway System Is The Same. You Would Think By Now They Would Put Bathrooms For Emergencies I The Cars By Now, But Instead We Have Speeding Urinal Cakes For Boxcars. - "The News"Reporter Gets Angry And Tells Us The Real News - Elbow DeepFisting Sluts Go Elbow Deep In The Ass Hole - Pound It!She Can Multi-Task Like A Boss! Making Food And Getting Fucked

Jump OutThe Cricket Family Has Accidentally Trapped Itself Into A Mega Computer From The Planet Zorg. It's Up To You In This Physics-Skill-Puzzler To Save The Crickets And Help Them Escape The Computer... - She CUMSMeet Mr Magic Fingers, A Specialist In Making A Girl Squirt Like She Never Did Before, Its Already An Achievement To Let A Girl Explode Like A Volcano And To Do It With This Speed Is Just Worth A Medal - Good PickupGuy Picks Up A Skinny Redhead For Extreme Anal In The Great Outdoors. - Toooot!Meanwhile In Slovakia...Waaaaaaaaaaat!!! - Human ToiletChick Gets Treated Like A Human Toilet - Zoom InI'm Almost Speechless At This Guy's Prowess Of The Zoom Feature On His Camera. All I Can Say Is At Least He Knows What We Want To See. - Nude ServiceAn Aryan Goddess Sexually Trolls The Hotel Bell Hop In Order To Win A "Contest" That May Or May Not Even Exist. Regardless, Michael Cera Is Here To Help. Although I'm Not Entirely Convinced He's Ever Done This Before. - Danish TitsMaja Krag Is A Danish Model With Excellent Tits That I Would Love Love Love To Behold - UnfknblvblThis is Doe who gets naked on God’s Girls and those tits sure look like they were designed by the Divine! She’s 21 Years Old And From New Zealand! - Nip Slip!Hot Big-Titties Blonde, Jessica Woodley Nip Slip Out On The Town

A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local Rugby match and Dad can't find the tickets. Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there". Bobby: "No probs, Dad". Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium. Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them".
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green". The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. The retiree replied "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"
There was a burning building with a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde at the top. The firemen are yelling to the redhead to jump into a blanket and she jumps off the building and right as she was about to safely hit the blanket they moved it and she dies. They yell to the brunette to jump but she says "No I saw what you did to the redhead"! They shout we don't like redheads! So the brunette jumps and sure enough they move the blanket and she dies. Then they shout to the blonde to jump off into the blanket. But the blonde says "No I saw what you did to them!" They shout we don't like them! The blonde then says "I don't trust you guys, put the blanket on the ground and step back!"
A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie. "Aha" said he "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant!" the brunette indignantly exclaimed. "You're not rescued yet either..."


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Everyone has childhood stories of how they got in trouble for doing something wrong. It's how we learn, test boundaries and find our place but some kids get carried away and go too far. Unfortunately for some the lesson ends in prison. In fairness, in many of the cases below, simply sending the kid to bed without any dinner probably wasn't going to convey the message that it's not okay to murder or do fucked up things to people...

-English 18-year-old Brian Blackwell was a narcissistic monster who built an illusion that he was rich just to impress his mates. To do this he took out numerous credit cards and loans in his father's name. When confronted by his parents, he beat them with a claw hammer before stabbing them to death. Afterward, Blackwell whisked his girlfriend away on a £30,000 holiday to NYC. Returning home he found out he had high marks in school exams which assured him a place at the University of Nottingham to study medicine. But it was all for nothing - his parent's bodies rotting bodies were discovered in their home and he was sentenced to life in prison after confessing to the crime.

-In 1996, 14-year-old school boy Barry Loukaitis dressed up in a cowboy costume and sauntered into his Algebra class in Moses Lake, Washington. While his classmates may have thought his clothes a bit odd, what they didn't know was that hidden beneath were two pistols, a rifle and ammunition. He opened fire killing his teacher and 2 students. He held the class hostage for 10 minutes before a gym coach was able to subdue him. He was sentences to 2 life sentences plus an additional 205 years.

-Erin Caffey had a wish wanted to go out with her boyfriend James Wilkinson, but her parents said no. So she took some initiative and planned the murders of her family. In 2008, Caffey's boyfriend and a mate attacked the family house in the early hours of the morning. Her mother was killed and her father was badly injured. Her two brothers, Matthew and Tyler, were horrifically murdered - one was shot in the head whilst the other was stabbed. They duo then set fire to the house. All those involved were charged with murder and received lengthy prison sentences.

-Cristian Fernandez, a 13-year-old Florida boy, was the youngest person ever charged with first-degree murder in Jacksonville history. Fernandez was charged in 2011 for beating his two-and-a-half-year-old brother to death and sexually abusing his 5-year-old half-brother.

-14-year-old, Joshua Smith, shot his mum to death as she slept on the couch. The Detroit boy lived with his hardworking mother who had wanted him to succeed in life. Frustrated with worsening behaviour, she placed an 11pm curfew on him, discouraged him from hanging out with gang kids and barred him from bringing girls home. Joshua didn't like this and ran away only to return later. In the early hours of the morning, as his mum slept, he snuck down and shot her several times with a shotgun. He then fled in her car but was eventually caught by police before being sentenced to 25-50 years in prison.

-In the UK, Mary Bell suffered from an early age, born to a prostitute mother who pimped her out when she was four years old and also tried to kill her multiple times. At 11, Mary was found guilty of strangling a four-year-old boy to death and later a three-year-old boy. She dismembered the second boy's genitals and carved an M into his stomach. She was deemed psychotic and placed in government care. Twelve years later, she was released.

-Elizabeth Olten was only 9-years-old in 2009 when she was brutally murdered by 15-year-old Alyssa Bustamante. Bustamante, a black mascara-wearing emo, was a lot sicker than people realised and was of extreme evil. Olten was walking home one day when she took a forest path nearby two unmarked graves that Bustamante had dug, likely for her two brothers. Bustamante killed the little girl by strangling her, beating her, and finally slitting her throat. Confessing to the murder, Bustamante said she did it because she wanted to know what it felt like.

-In 1874, Jesse Pomeroy was arrested for the cold-blooded murder of a 4-year-old boy. In previous years, Pomeroy spent time tormenting other children. He was first arrested for sexual torture and molestation of seven other boys when he was only 11. After that, he murdered a 10-year-old girl, mutilating her body. He was sentenced to 40 years of solitary confinement.

-A 15-year-old Seattle girl got a tiny bit upset after dad confiscated her iPhone as punishment for misbehaviour. To teach him a lesson she picked up a nearby hunting bow and fired an arrow hitting him in the chest. That's the point she may have realised that was a mistake or even felt remorseful but no. She flatly refused to give him a phone to call 911. He was forced to crawl outside to his truck and drive to a neighbour's house for help.

-St. John, Missouri, 1990, 18-year-old Stacey Lannert shot and killed her father, Tom, while he was asleep in the home. Lannert claimed that her father had sexually abused her since she was eight years old. She was found guilty of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison.

-Adopting four children was a noble thing to do but the mother of six never imagined that her only biological son would end to two of them. Her 15-year-old honour student son was trusted to take care of his siblings which he did well until one day he brutally stabbed them to death one evening - one 88 times, the other 22 times. Arriving home, mum found the dead body of her 4-year-old son and called police to report that two other children, the 15 and 10-year-old, were missing. The 10-year-old was later found dead in the basement and the police caught up with the murderer son later that night. He was arrested and later found guilty, receiving a 15 years to life sentence.

-In the 1800's, by 17 Joseph Weil was a notorious protection racket man and loan shark. Selling rainwater as 'Meriwether's Elixir' was the next step in becoming one of the best known con men of his era. While his first big score was a teen, Weil died still a conman at the age of 100.

-Alfo Munoz had given his girlfriend's son a gun and trained him to use it in cases of emergency. Its unlikely he thought the 12-year-old would ever use it to cause an emergency of his own. His mother Sara, had been arguing with her son over chores and then left the house. The boy was angry because, after all, why would he have to do chores? As she returned home he used the gun given by Munoz to shoot her 8 times. Prosecutors had intended to charge the kid as an adult however it was found the mother had physically and verbally abused him. He was found guilty and sent to a juvenile rehab facility.

-16-year-old David Brom appeared to be a normal teenager growing up in Minnesota. Up until the night he killed his family, Brom showed no psychotic tendencies. Brom's parents, 14-year-old sister and 9-year-old brother, were all bludgeoned to death with an axe. Brom attended school the next day as if nothing happened and bragged about the murders to a classmate. He is now serving life in prison.


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A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favourite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favourite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." "But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?" "Yes, but she's got gonorrhoea; and you know how I love to fish!"

A few hours later "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex". "I know, but she's got diarrhoea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex".

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea; and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that".

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."


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Einstein had a driver. This man used to drive him to all of his lectures, listen patiently in the back row, and then drive him home.

One day, Einstein was asked to give a lecture at a small college that he had never visited before. Having given the lecture many times before, he confessed to his driver that he was very tired and did not want to give the same lecture at a university that meant nothing to him.

The driver immediately responded that he himself could give the lecture, having heard it hundreds of times, while Einstein relaxed in the back row. Einstein consented.

The lecture goes swimmingly. However, right as the driver is walking offstage, a professor proceeds to ask him a question that is so hopelessly complex that few can comprehend it, let alone answer it.

The driver, without missing a beat, gestures to Einstein, decked out in full chauffeur attire, and proclaims "Why that question is so simple, I will let my driver answer it!"


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-A 4-year-old Saudi boy killed his father for not buying him a PlayStation 3. The kid had asked his father to get a PS3 for him, but dad returned home emptyhanded. Disappointment lead to the realisation he didn't actually need a PS3 at all... so he took dads gun and shot him from behind.

-Steuben County, NY, 13-year-old Eric Smith murdered, sexually abused and mutilated a 4-year-old boy, Derrick Robie. Smith lured Robie to a park, where he strangled him and crushed his head with two large rocks. He also sodomised he boy with a tree branch. Smith was convicted and sentenced to the maximum term for juveniles of nine years to life.

-2-year-old Troy Bailey spotted a gun lying about and mistook it for a toy. He picked it up, pointed it at his mother and shot her dead. His father, who had left the gun lying around, clearly a clever individual, lost custody of his child.

- 1988, in a quiet town in Michigan, 18-year-old Seth Privacky, used his father's .22-caliber Ruger, to shoot his entire family. He then killed his girlfriend who showed up unannounced and witnessed the murders. The rampage was set off because his father threatened to throw him out and the rest of the family failed to stick up for him. He was sentenced to life in prison but died in 2010 after being shot during a failed escape.

-"Medicine Hat girl" was a disturbed 13-year-old from Canada accused of murdering her family. It turns out however she had the help of her 23-year-old boyfriend, Jeremy Steinke. Despite the (illegal) age difference, the pair had been dating for a while. Her family strongly disapproved so they did what any young lovers would do and hatched a plan to massacre the lot of them and make her an orphan. Hours after watching the film Natural Born Killers, Jeremy came over and horrifically murdered mum and dad. The girl then stabbed her 8-year-old brother to death. She was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Steinke received 3 life sentences and will be eligible for parole after 25 years.

-15-year-old Cindy Collier and 14-year-old Shirley Wolf went from petty theft and vandalism to a whole other level. While looking for a target, they knocked on the door of an elderly woman who let them in. The girls turned violent - Wolf held the woman by the neck while Collier found a knife and gave it to Wolf who proceeded to stab the woman 28 times. They later confessed, calling it a "kick" and saying they'd love to do it again.

-Two brothers, aged 10 and 11, attacked two other children in Edlington, South Yorkshire. The two victims were on a playground when the brothers lured them away. They were then punched and kicked, assaulted with bricks, sticks, and glass, and burned with cigarettes. One of the victims was also sexually assaulted. When the two boys were found, they were assumed dead because of the severity of their injuries. The two brothers were arrested and they were quoted as saying they had stopped the assault only because their arms hurt.

-In 1981, at 16 years old, Laurence McCall started helping himself to priceless works of art. He simply walked in to a museum, took what he wanted and walked out. By selling them to a gullible New York City auction house, he was making a fortune, driving a Jaguar and living in a luxury pad at age 19. The Feds eventually caught up with him though and he was convicted on a long list of charges which earned him 15 years in prison, and still to this day is paying off the IRS.

-Nehemiah Griego was a gun obsessed 15-year-old from Albuquerque who killed his family in 2013. It all started when Nehemiah's mother annoyed him... so he shot her in the head. The noise woke his brother who he showed the corpse, which caused him to cry so he shot him as well. Of course this woke his little sister up so he took care of them also. When his father, a pastor, returned home - guess what? He shot him dead too. Nehemiah was arrested and charged with two counts of murder and three counts of child abuse leading to death however the case is currently at standstill due to several legal complications.

-In California, 1964, 15-year-old Edmund Kemper shot and killed both of his grandparents. He says he had wanted to do it for a while and had no regrets. He was held in juvenile hall and put through intensive testing. He was released five years later and went on to murder and dismember eight women over the next several years.

-Joshua Phillips was 14-years-old in 1998 when his 8-year-old neighbour went missing. After seven days, his mother started to notice an unpleasant odour emanating from his bedroom. When she went to look, underneath his bed she of course found the missing girls dead, bloody and beaten body. When questioned, he said that he had accidentally hit the girl in the eye with a baseball. She had begun to scream and he panicked, hitting her with the bat... although that didn't explain why he had to bludgeon the girl to death, or stab her 11 times, or hide her body. A jury didn't convicted him of first-degree murder and he's now busy spending the rest of his natural life in prison..

-In 1989, 21 and 18-year-old brothers, Lyle and Erik Menendez, used a 12-gauge shotgun to murder their parents, Jose and Kitty Menendez. It's believed they were murdered for their money. The brothers were convicted and sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a 10 quid that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand".

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that". The Queen says "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it". So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head". The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done".

So the Pope head-butts her.


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I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise.

I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No" replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".


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In South India a farmer boy fell in love with a village girl. Both had dark complexions. They were happily married for several years, and had three darling little girls, all dark-skinned. But their fourth child, a little boy named Raju, was very fair.

The husband demanded to know who was the father of the little boy. His wife tried to reassure him but he didn't buy it. They argued for hours, and finally she was reduced to wailing tears, and begged him to believe her: he was indeed Raju's father.

Thereafter throughout their marriage whenever they had a fight he would bring up the paternity of the boy. Always she would wail and beg him to believe that he was Raju's father.

After many years of marriage, he fell terminally ill. On his deathbed he begged his wife to finally own up with it.

"Who is the Raju's father?" Again she tried to reassure him, wailing and crying. He gave her a baleful stare, turned his face to the wall, and died.

Turning away from his lifeless body, her face was beaming in a broad smile. The neighbours demanded to know why she was smiling; her husband just died! She replied "I'm SO glad he didn't ask me about the other three".


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Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said "Oh Jack, cud ye be after givin' me a pint o' brandy".

"Sister Mary Katherine!" exclaimed Jack "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh Jack, me lad" she responded "tis only for the Mother Superior". Her voice dropped. "It will be helpin' her with the constipation, you know".

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine completely wasted!

She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame on ye! "Ye told me the brandy was fer the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied "And so it tis, me lad, so it tis. When the Mother Superior sees me like this, I'm truly believin', she's going to shit!"


This. It Is the end.

-Check out the site archives. I insist.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you even know why?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will talk to you at length about our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop picking your butthole. Wash it and it'll stop itching! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.10.08-19.02

Welcome to I may not be right but you're always wrong.

I'm not so happy to announce that the annoying breathing problem which made life hell for a week about 6 months ago is back. Don't think its going to kill me but the feeling of not being able to draw a full breath is a little bit shithouse. Obviously I've sought medical advice from Google and it could apparently be one of several things - something to do with reflux, something to do with anxiety, something to do with pulled muscles or something to do with heart disease. Reasonably sure it's the first one and if the last experience is anything to go by it will automagically disappear without explanation in the next few days. On the other hand, if there's no update next Thursday then I may have been misdiagnosed...

Has been a typically full past week of. There was barely a free minute between Friday and Sunday. So starting with Friday... this is the one day of the week I'm on baby duty and its never the same as the one before. You can kind of plan but at this age your day/life revolves around sleep schedules and right now we're apparently transitioning from 2 to 1. So I did some stuff, worked, ran errands, did laundry, bought a replacement hard drive, even got groceries out of the way before making it to the city for a family dinner. At this point I really, REALLY want to make a joke about stay at home mums who complain "its so hard" but they'll all be too busy sitting on the couch watching soaps or having coffee with friends to get the intended humour.

Saturday was hit and miss. Okay mostly miss. After punching out some exercise we headed over to mates place to help him setup his home network. He couldn't get it going at all. I simply connected one cable and the whole thing sprung to life. Always the way - you spend countless hours messing with something and then along comes some jerk who claims all the credit.

There may have been a touch of smugness in my words about the football last week. The AFL Grand Final match promised big things, mostly a West Coast victory over Hawthorn. Our side of the country knew it a win was in the bag, and we didn't care what anyone else had to say. But what really happened is we got creamed and it was not pretty. It was embarrassing.

We invited a handful of friends over to watch the game and get rowdy. Everyone arrived ahead of bounce down, cracked opened beers, made themselves comfortable and got ready for what was going to be a demolition. And in almost all ways it was... just by the wrong team. It was basically over in the first 10 minutes and pretty hard to watch after then. Sure, we'd scream in hope at the TV after every score or good passage of play but we all knew deep down that it wasn't going to happen. And that's about all you can say about it.

That night - The Phantom Menace. Like so so so many other guys, I have a GF that has never seen Star Wars. Have been trying to change that for years but never quite get around to it. Now though, TV is playing all 6 films, one every Saturday in the lead up to the new films release. Sweet. And I convinced her to watch them all. Double sweet. Had wondered what order they would play them in - release or episode order. Unfortunately they decided to start with Episode I, aka the worst film in the franchise and probably not how you should introduce someone to Star Wars if you want them to like it. There's actually much debate about the order to best enjoy the films and chronologically or by release don't get a look in. The best way to enjoy the saga, they say, is IV (A New Hope), V (The Empire Strikes Back), I (The Phantom Menace), II (Attack of the Clones), III (Revenge of the Sith), VI (Return of the Jedi). You can read more about it here. But I digress. Did she like it? Sure, it was great... or so she says.

Sunday began with exercising and dodging swooping magpies. Its breeding season and the little fuckers are feeling particularly hostile. We don't want your stupid babies! Haven't been nailed yet but it's definitely going to happen. All fun and games until someone loses an eye. Smashed out some motherfucking eggs upon arriving home before rolling into the continuing spring-clean. Somewhere in there, mowing the lawn became a good idea, as did spraying the weeds. Shit just progressed until eventually the whole outside was de-junked, de-dusted, de-weeded, hosed down and ready to be dirtied again. Miraculously now after just a couple of weekends of effort the house feels habitable. All those things plonked in a corner because that's where they were temporarily moved "out of the way" and ended up living there are now gone. The not so surprising effect is everything feels clearer. Like in the mind. Less cluttered.

After some early afternoon visitors dropped by, we jumped in the car and headed south for Fremantle. For a place that used to be a Sunday staple, its been a long while since we got down there. Little bit sad too. So many of the shops and whatever have closed down that the vibe seems to be disappearing. Anyway we rolled through the markets, bought vegetables and smashed out an early dinner. All in all not a bad way to wind down the weekend.

Yet again there's a large bunch of words that went longer than it had to. Hope you enjoyed the insight into my life... if not then you can always go suck a dick. Once you're finished, below is a brand-spanking new update that is guaranteed to entertain for so many reasons. Stop being a cunt and check it...

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Mind BLOWNCheck Out This Mind Blowing 9/11 Back To The Future Conspiracy - Truly AmazingDoctor’s Miraculously Reattaches Toddler Jackson Taylor’s Decapitated Head After Horrific Car Crash - $1k/week!$1000 A Week Just To Wait In Line? - She Did What?Woman Blinds Herself Intentionally After Suffering Condition Believing She Should Be Disabled - Car PornTesla Model S Takes On A V8 Supercar - Magic FailThis Magician Thinks His Trick Went Well - Noooooo!!The Legend Returns To Teach Us A Hype New Move Called "The Internal Dap". It's The Most Brutal Hardcore Handshake Of All Time. It's Rumoured A Handshake Of This Magnitude Can Symbolically Join Souls For Eternity. - Lucky FoolsThe Luckiest Fools At The Shooting Range - Hex FRVRThis Is An Addictive Puzzle Game That Is Deceptively Simple - Its Basically Tetris In Hexagon Style. Just Fit The Blocks Into The Larger Hexagon. It Is So Ridiculously Addictive You'll Wish You'd Found Drugs Before Finding This.

ChallengingFunny how some games can have such a simple foundation, yet have the ability to hold your Attention And Give You A Bit Of Excitement. This Very Dotty Game Is One Of Them. A Game That Will Grab U By Its Simplicity And Then Reel U In For The Kill. - Simple SexyJoanna Krupa Braless In Tight Black Tank Top - Sweet CurvesI’ve Never Seen A Girl Wear A Towel As A Dress Before But We Can All Agree She Knows How To Pull It Off! Not Really Surprising When Amanda Love And Has Tits Like Those. Dayum! - Nude FrenchieElisa Meliani Is Someone I’ve Never Heard Of, But After Extensive Research, It Turns Out That She’s A Model Out Of Paris... - Shit'imselfMaybe Dude In The Black Shorts Should Not Have Went Out Drinking Last Night. There Is Nothing Worse Than Having Bud-Mud In The Middle Of The Ring. And As He Is Walking Around, More Crap Is Falling Out Of His Shorts. I Would Declare Him The Winner. Bonus, Love The Person Gagging Off Camera. - Rough SexThis Chick's Pussy Gets Punched More Then The Chin Of Muhammad Ali In A 15 Round Battle. - That EasySeeing A Cruise Ship Constructed In Time Lapse Really Shows The Amount Of Work That It Takes To Build One - For The LadsIf You Know That Alcohol Makes You Wild And Reckless Its Perhaps Better To Drink Less... Unlike This Chick Who Is Drunk And Totally Cool With A Group Of Guys Bottle Fucking Her For Fun. - Lube Up!Apparently You Can Use With Whipped Cream As Anal Lube

Momentum KillsThe Gerbils Are Invading! It's Your Task This Action-Strategy Game To Send Out Your Armed Forces To Destroy The Gerbil Enemy. Not An Easy Task By Any Measure And This Game Is Not Your Usual Strategy Game. It's A Fast Paced Game, Where U Must Use Collision Physics To Your Advantage. What Are Collision Physics? Well That, My Friend, Is Something You Will Have To Discover For Yourself... - What A CuntAsshole Professional Wrestler Bullies A Little Girl At A Live Event - DepravityThis Is For The Type Of Guys Who Only Leave Their Mother's Basement To Sign For That Package Of Lube And Real Dolls - Dirty BitchIts Hard Enough To Find A Chick That Likes Anal, But This One Likes It With A Fist In Her Snatch. She's A Keeper. - Ellie G TitsEllie Goulding Nipples Are Quite Superb - Nasty SlutsAs It Turns Out, The Brazilians Are The Sick Pervs Of South America. Sure They Are Not On The Level Of The Japanese, But They Are Working Their Way Up There. Something About That Spit That Mad Me Gag A Little Bit, And This Time, I Didn't Even Have A Chubby. - Tessa FowlerCandids From Tessa Fowler’s Roller Chic Shoot. Great Look At Her Big Boobs! - Model TitsKemp Muhl Perky Breasts In See Through Dress - Phone SexWoman Encounters The Worst, Most Perverted Customer Service Rep Of All-Time

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's Wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the service for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied". The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago!"
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal'. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, 'But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around".
One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatoes" So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, tomatoes" Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said "Could you stop making sandwiches - you're getting mayonnaise on me!"


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What we have here is a pretty interesting list of some common misconceptions about various things, debunked. Read on and prepare to have everything you know about anything shattered...

-Redheads are not going extinct. Genes do not go extinct. Recessive genes can be carried from generation to generation without emerging as a hair colour.

-While it is believed that coffee comes from 'coffee beans', it is actually made from a seed which is called a bean.

-Danish pastries actually originated in Austria, inspired by Turkish baklava. Their name comes from a Danish chef who popularised them in Western Europe and the United States in the early 20th century, including baking it for the wedding of US President Woodrow Wilson in 1915. In Denmark and much of Scandinavia, Danish pastries are called 'Viennese Bread.'

-Chameleons actually change colour as a response to mood, temperature, communication and light instead of the object they are touching and their surroundings.

-Drinking alcohol does not kill brain cells, at least not immediately. Long-term excessive drinking can lead to neurological damage along with many other health problems, but if you just had one bad night, your brain will be fine in the morning even if your body might not.

-While Mount Everest is officially the tallest mountain in the world, it technically may not be. The summit of Everest is officially higher above sea level than the summit of any other mountain, but Mauna Kea is the tallest when measured from base to summit. However, the record books deem it the tallest because it has the highest peak on Earth. 

-Gladiators didn't kill each other as often as you might think. The most prized fighters were worth a lot of money as trained entertainers and many lived very long lives. A grave found at Ephesus in 2007 Turkey found the remains of 67 men aged between 20 and 30. Many had sustained serious wounds but they had healed over time, suggesting they had been prized individuals with access to medical care.

-The Apollo astronauts confirmed that you can't see the Great Wall of China from the Moon. In fact, all you can see from the Moon is the white and blue marble of Earth.

-One of the most common misconceptions about Darwin's theory of evolution by natural selection is that Darwin claimed we evolved from chimpanzees. Darwin never actually said this, nor will any respectable biologist. This myth was actually spread by religious zealots during the 19th century in order to try and discredit Darwin and promote anti-evolutionism among the religious. Humans and chimpanzees are actually cousins (we share about 94% of our DNA with them) and both evolved from a common ancestor around 7 million years ago.

-1 year does not necessarily 7 dog years. While true in some cases, it does not apply to everyone because it very much depends on the size and breed of the dog.

-Most of us only experience gravity in the downward direction, but gravity is not just a downward force. It pulls in all directions and dimensions.

-Losing body heat fastest through your head is widely believed to be true however some experts say we would be just as cold going without a hat as we would without trousers.

-Mercury is the closest planet to our sun, but it's not the hottest planet in the solar system. Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system with an average surface temperature of 864 degrees Fahrenheit.

-The Earth isn't actually revolving around the Sun. Technically, the Earth, sun and all of the other the planets are orbiting around the centre of mass of the solar system, not specifically the sun.

-Contrary to what you learned in school, there are four states of matter, not three. Solid, liquid, gas, and plasma are the four states of matter you see every day.

-Different parts of your tongue detects different tastes was scientifically disproven - all taste sensations come from all regions of the tongue, however different parts are more sensitive to certain tastes.

-Remember the old chewing gum take up to 7 years to digest line? Not even. The truth is that chewing gums are not digested - they just go in and out of our body without change.

-Peanuts, along with beans and peas, actually belong to the single plant family, Leguminosae. They're not nuts at all.

-Gun silencers cannot muffle the sound of an exploding weapon to a whisper. While it does work to muffle the weapon, the result is about as loud as a police siren, which is still one hundred times less loud than the gunfire without a silencer.

-Most experts say that microwave ovens don't give off enough energy to damage the genetic material (DNA) in cells so they can't cause cancer.


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Sam and John were out chopping wood when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours".

So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub". Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours".

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field". Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said "Gee, heads are really tough.

Come back in twelve hours". So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said "I'm sorry, John died". Sam said "I understand - heads are tough". The surgeon said "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"


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It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.

It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming "I want a bitch with herpes".

Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. "I'm sorry, what did you say?" "I said 'I want a bitch with herpes'" says the child. "Well I'm afraid we don't have any ladies that fit that description" replies the Madam. "I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes" says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog.

The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him.

After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour "Why did you want a whore with herpes?"

"Well" explains the boy "My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I'm going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he's going to fuck her. Then he's going home to fuck mum. In the morning she's going to fuck the milkman. He's going to fuck his wife, she's going to fuck her boss, he's going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she's going to fuck my headmaster and HE'S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!"


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-Fortune cookies were originally the invention of Japanese-Americans before being widely adopted by Chinese culture.

-Pouring milk on an acid burn does not bring relief or help. In fact, when milk reacts with the acid it increases the heating sensation. Any foreign object, including milk, smeared into the wound will only make treatment much harder. Milk is an excellent ground for microbes to grow and hence will do more damage.

-The word 'sushi' actually translates as sour-tasting.

-If your car is struck by lightning, the car tires do not protect you from being electrocuted. It's actually your car's metal frame that conducts the electricity straight to the ground.

-The forbidden fruit mentioned in the Book of Genesis is an apple however the bible never specifically says it was an apple.

-Lightning never strikes (same place) twice is far from true. Tall building such as the Empire State Building get struck over 100 times a year.

-Flu-sufferers are often encouraged to increase their dosage of Vitamin C, but most experts have stated that there is little or no evidence that the vitamin can help treatment of a cold. Instead of effectively treating a cold, it is thought to help build up the immune system to ward of potential flu viruses. That said, ingesting large quantities of Vitamin C can be harmful. The limit for an adult is 2,000 milligrams a day. While a mega-dose of Vitamin C will not likely kill you, it can cause diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, headache, heartburn, and other unpleasant side effects.

-There's actually only a small percentage of people with Tourette's syndrome that randomly yell out swear words. Tourette's encompasses a lot more than that, including involuntary movements and different sound tics. The swearing tic is called coprolalia.

-Penguins are mostly monogamous, but there are some species such as the Emperor Penguin which are serially monogamous. They mate with one couple for the whole season but will probably mate with another penguin the following year as the urgent need for breeding will make them avoid waiting for the same couple.

-Stress is not major high blood pressure factor - while blood pressure may increase temporarily when you're stressed, stress has not been proven to cause chronic high blood pressure.

-When in London, you are rarely more than six feet from a rat. This is of course just an estimate based on the rodent population.

-Not all oranges are... orange. In many countries, oranges are green, even when ripe. Oranges are unknown in the wild. They are a cross between tangerines and the Chinese grapefruit (which is pale green or yellow), and were first grown in Southeast Asia. There were green there then, and today they still are.

-As the Moon is constantly rotating on its own axis, there is no area of the planetoid which is in permanent darkness.

-Cracking your knuckles isn't the great arthritis causer everyone thinks. For the most part, the cracking and popping of joints is normal and nothing to be concerned about.

-A toilet's flush will NOT change direction depending upon which hemisphere it is in. The real cause of 'backwards'-flushing toilets is just that the water jets point in the opposite direction.

-Amytal sodium, also known as truth serum, will not keep the person from telling lies. It gives a person the feeling of being drunk and a possibly a loose tongue.

-A common misconception is that sunflower heads track the sun across the sky when in full bloom. The uniform alignment of the flowers does result from heliotropism in an earlier development stage, the bud stage, before the appearance of flower heads so technically they follow the sun before they have bloomed, not after.

-The beautiful rings of Saturn are not solid bands. The rings are comprised of individual dust and ice particles that range in size from microscopic to many feet long.

-Neurologists describe the myth as false and state we use virtually every part of the brain, and that most of the brain is active almost all the time.

-The idea that T-Rex dinosaurs never used their baby forearms for anything isn't true. Research suggests that the males used their arms to pin down a fellow female during mating.

-Your fingernails and hair don't actually continue to grow after you cark it. The dehydration of the body after death causes skin around hair and nails to shrink and retract, giving the illusion that they have grown.

-Black holes are not actually the colour black. They look black when we observe them because they emit no form of visible light. One of the only ways we know black holes exist is because of the gravitational pull they have on stars.

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This bloke's in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that" says his wife so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside. "Eh mate" says the stranger "can you give us a push?" "No, bugger off, it's half three. I was in bed!" says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a prat. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to bugger off??"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate".

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" and he replies: "I'm over here on the swing".


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Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.

Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1 a pound Call (202) 555-0238.

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded "Ten pounds". The voice replied "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning".

About 9am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating "If you catch me, you can have me".

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself". He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked "How much weight do you want to lose?" To which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied "Ten more pounds". "Very well" the voice on the phone told him "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.

"At about 8am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating "If you catch me, you can have me". The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her.

When he was through she told him "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself". He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 10 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time". The man replied "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this huge gorilla with a sign around his neck stating "If I catch you, I am going to have you".


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A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks "Did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes, mum. I had sex with my English teacher!" The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home!"

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher". "That's right, Dad". "Well, you became a man today. This is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for".

"That sounds great, dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me!"


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Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to bring along one item to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, they turned to another and said "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'Grandma Moses' of jail.

Then he asked the first "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said "I brought cards. I can play poker, gin and other games with a cellmate, or all sorts of different solitaire games when I'm by myself".

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning it himself. The other two took notice and asked "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said "I brought these".

The other two were puzzled and asked "What can you do with those?" He grinned, pointed to the box and said "Well according to the label, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller skating..."


Hard to believe its over for another week. If that worries you - STOP. There's plenty more to go...

-Check out the site archives. Its is unfathomable just how huge they are and how much entertainment they contain. Check them. Check them now!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless the breathing thing claims me then no more updates ever let alone next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray break his fist on your face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and challenge all authority. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.10.01-20.25

Welcome to I love the smell of bacon in the morning.

This is the biggest sporting week in Australia all year. Sure, there are other sports such as... look I don't really know any of them... but there are others. Cricket is one... I think? And tennis? Anyway, where you live [or are from] will generally adhere you to one particular code of football. Be it Australian Rules [AFL], soccer [A-League] which I'm not sure is even played here anymore or the really, really homo rugby code [NRL] adored by people who don't know better. Actually let's just forget about rugby altogether because NO ONE CARES. TL;DR: the AFL grand final is Australia's Super Bowl equivalent.

This year, at least for the western side of the country, shit has been out of control. There are 2 home town teams, Fremantle and West Coast. There's a traditional rivalry between the clubs and fans so shit talking is year-round and entertaining. Both teams have dominated the league all season. They finished 1 and 2 on the ladder respectively. Fremantle were clear favourites to win the flag but sadly knocked out last weekend. West Coast won their game and are through to this weekend's grand final against Hawthorn. The dream scenario of a west vs west final wasn't to be and the poor Freo fans have taken an absolute pounding from West Coast supporters. It's been truly magical.

The past few days though... wow... I've had to peel back from it. Switch the radio off, scroll past the Facebook banter because you can have too much of a good thing. Everyone is talking about the big game. Everything is up for discussion. Who'll win and why to who won't and how. Which team has more GF experience. What the home ground advantage means and how many times the teams have played there this season. A mystery drone. Who's injured. The Brownlow medal winner. Meatloaf. The insane airfare pricing for fans wanting to head east. Interviews with people driving 3,500kms across the country. People who bought plane tickets but couldn't get game tickets. A decade old drug scandal dragged out of the closet. And so on. I don't think there's any football related subject not covered in excruciating detail. At this point, with so much hype, the match had better be amazing. Expectations are now off the chart and people won't be able to cope otherwise. Go Eagles.

Moving on. The weekend had its highs and lows. It started well and descended from there. First on the agenda was breakfast with the boys. Probably a minor miracle everyone could break free of wives and children. Motherfucking eggs and a good time was had by all. From there, swung by a hi-fi joint near home. Really have low interest in this stuff - just want the TV to go loud... which is a shame because it currently does not. I spent a small fortune on a beefy home theatre setup 8-9 years ago. It's been in storage and have now dug it out. Wanted to ask the hi-fi shop about install. For those who understand - the receiver is pre-HDMI so cables up the ass. Captain Obvious sales guy launched into a spiel about how my equipment was old tech and I would be better off upgrading as he ushered me to their 'entry level' gear. "Yep we can definitely get you going again for around $1500". Whuck? Bit of a step up from just wanting some dickhead to come and plug the wires in, no? May well be going back into storage at this rate...

Got home to a full spring clean underway. Furniture rearranged, piles of junk everywhere, everything in the kitchen reorganised. Exhilarating. After more than a kabillion "I told ya so's" about how and where things should live in a kitchen, I pottered off to do various maintenance and repairs around the house. Also found a few minutes to plug my PS3 in which would later prove to be a masterstroke. We ducked out later to visit some folks then squeezed in an Ikea visit. Did you know spring-cleaning isn't cleaning at all unless you buy more junk to fill the space you have spring-cleaned?

Was starting to feel fairly average by the time we got home and, fuckstratingly, it got worse and worse. Ended up missing the first three-quarters of the footy match that I'd so been hanging out for. No idea where it came from or even what it was but think gastro but without the shitting and spewing.

That little bug wiped me out for the entirety of Sunday. After a terrible night's sleep, I plonked on the couch first thing in the morning and didn't get off it for literally the entire day. So basically experienced a day as a stay-at-home mum... JOKING, ladies! The PS3 came in very handy throughout the day. Almost as if I subconsciously set it up knowing it would get some use.

At the risk of talking way too long, I better wrap things up there. Amazingly had to cut a whole paragraph out too. This update you're about to enjoy is a beautiful monster so go forth and enjoy. Check it...

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SloMo TitsAnd Now Playboy Playmates Playing Sports In Slow Motion - Killer ClownsThese Insane & Seriously Disturbing Scare Pranksters Are Complete Nightmare Fuel - F-ing IdiotsAngry Vegan Lady Interrupted A Busy Steakhouse With This Message - Skater BabeLegless Skateboarder Kanya Sesser Is Also A Lingerie Model And Training To Become A Paralympian - Mac ChallengeHero Tries To Eat 25 Big Macs In Under An Hour - That ButtonIn This Puzzle Platform Game, U Are Little Bot And It Is You're Job To Help Him Survive This Rite Of Passage His Mother Has Set For Him. - Holy Hips!This Video Of Christina Milian Thrusting Her Hips Has Gone Viral For Good Reason - SEX-orcism Deep In The Dungeon Of Kink Studios, They Have Accidentally Unleashed A Demon Poltergeist From A Troubled Young Girl. A Sweet Girl That Finds Vaginal Sex Super Boring And Only Gets Off From Evil Butt Sex. - SasssssyyyyFox News Sassily Reports About Facebook Being Down

Sniper DawnThis Free Action Sequel Is Packed With All New Missions In Post-Apocalyptic Environments. Use Your Sniper Skills To Shoot The Incoming Zombie Menace And Protect The Humans. The Survivors Need Your Help! - Boobie BathHot Pics Of Busty Babe Samantha Lily Getting Ready To Give Her Giant Tits A Bath! This Made Me Think That A Busty Girl Like Her Must Go Through Loads Of Bodywash! - Wet SingletAlexis Ren In Wet White Wife Beater - Naked AnaAna Luiza Naked In A Bed For Some Fashion Photog Guy - That's Shit :-(Freddy The Falcon Was Not The Smartest Falcon In The Nest As A Baby. He Finally Has One Chance To Make It To The Big Time And What Stands In His Way? As Semi-Truck... - Blowbang!Annette Schwarz In A Messy Blowbang. She Needed A Soup Ladle To Scoop Up All That Ball Batter. - Anal HurtzScreaming Brunette Gets A Lesson In Painal - Lucky DayPicking Up Uber Riders With A McLaren - Still A VirginWhat If All Of Your Friends Already Have Sexual Experiences And You're The Only One Who Hasn't? Thankfully, Good Friends Cheer You Up, They Will Do Anything For You, They'll Even Set You Up With A Real Hooker... You Just Have To Let Them Watch...

Old SchoolCyndre Phase Is A Futuristic Action Game In Which You Defend Your Base From A Continuous Flow Of Enemy Rockets. - Redneck LulzFat Redneck Flips The Fuck Out! Attacks His Stepdad And Gets Hit With A Golf Club - Going DeepHot Goth Chicks Has Some Tears While Trying Anal On Camera - Good GFGuy Interrupts His Girl On The Computer To Get Some Head And Fuck Her. This Is A Good Chick, She Knew Her Man Wanted Some Ass, She Obliged. And She Looks Fucking Hot. - Eye PussyThe Real Eye Pussy... - Lingerie-cladAgent Provocateur Drops The Hammer With This Shoot. Everything About It, Particularly The Girls Are Ridiculous. - Looking FINEJessica Simpson Pokies On The Street - Lacey BanghardSimple And Straightforward Set Of Lacey Banghard Wearing Underwear And Then NOT Wearing Any Underwear. Simple Is All You Need When You Got Amazing Boobs Like She Does. - They Get ItThese Dogs Perfectly Understand English. Don't Believe Me? Watch The Video.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents!" The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37". "And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars".
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun".
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me" said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done "What was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream. He shouts "Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer. Its full 'o hoss piss an cow shite an it could kill thee!" The man says "Excuse me sir, I am a Muslim from Pakistan. Could you be speaking much clearer and slower please?" The farmer replies "If... you... use... two... hands... you... wont... spill... any!"
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Hawthorn fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Hawthorn fans too. Not really knowing what a Hawthorn fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Hawthorn fan" she retorts. "Then" asks her teacher "What are you?" "I'm a proud West Coast Eagles fan" boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is an Eagles fan. "Well, my dad and mum are Eagles fans, so I'm a Eagles fan too" she responds. The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason" she says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot? What would you be then?" "Oh" says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be a Hawthorn fan".


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Six people died on the roads here over the weekend. All of them seemed to have been preventable, or at very least unnecessary, but it did get me thinking what other situations someone could easily find themselves in and then walk away from if only they had used their brain...

-Underwater and don't know which way is up? Exhale and watch which way the air bubbles go. That way is up.  Likewise, if you've been buried in an avalanche or in dirt and don't know which direction is the surface, spit and see where gravity takes it. Head in the opposite direction.

-Some people have a tendency to get into their and just sit checking their phone messages etc. Do not do this. If a predator is watching you, it will be a perfect opportunity to car-jack you or get in your car. Instead, as soon as you get into your car, lock the doors and leave. If someone is in your car with a gun to your head then do not drive off - do the opposite, gun the engine and crash into anything. Your airbag should save you and if the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out & run.

-The limits of the human body often follow the "Rules of Three": 3 minutes without air; 3 hours without shelter from the elements; 3 days without drinking; 3 weeks without eating.

-In almost every case of someone being saved after their heart has stopped, someone has given them CPR. Learn how to give CPR properly, and you are significantly more likely to help a victim survive such an event. Don't do mouth-to-mouth unless there are two people, as chest compressions are exponentially more important.

-Nearly half of all burn deaths are the result of infection. Because it's sterile and binds only to itself, plastic wrap is stocked in most ambulances so paramedics can keep fresh burns protected from germs. If someone suffers a fire or heat-related burn, wrap the wound in plastic wrap until you can get to a hospital. However don't do this if you suffer an acid or chemical burn, as those could melt the plastic.

-Any shiny object will do the job, but a compact mirror in your survival kit can be a lifesaver when used as a silent emergency beacon. It can be effective in both sun and moonlight, and can even start fires on a sunny day.

-If you find yourself in a wilderness survival situation, breathe through your nose, not your mouth. Breathing out of your mouth expends more energy, and you'll lose moisture faster.

-Most mobile phones can dial the local emergency number when they're locked and even without a SIM card.

-Your body will waste a lot of energy trying to keep your body cool in the heat and warm in the cold. Keep it covered with a hat or wrap some clothing around it.

-Keep maximum-strength antihistamines in your wallet when taking a hike in case of stings, bites, etc. The best way to find out if you're allergic to something is making sure you are a long way from help...

-Studies have shown wearing any type of motorcycle helmet will reduce your risk of death by 42 percent or more. But helmets that include face and chin protection offer significant life-saving protections compared to faceless-style headgear.

-Do not inflate the lifejacket while you're still inside the plane. You'll have much more trouble running/walking out of a sinking plane if you're also floating.

-If your cooking oil catches fire, never try to put it out with water. Just turn off the stove, cover it up with the lid or a damp towel to cut off the oxygen supply and it will die out on its own. Water will make it explode and most likely burn you.

-Take no risks when it comes to what you consume. Your food could be crawling with bacteria that could make you sick. Make sure to clean and cook it thoroughly before attempting to eat it. The same goes for water, it must always be boiled to be purified.

-Don't forage for food if you're lost, find water and shelter and stay put. You're more likely to eat something poisonous and you can survive for days without food.

-Check the windows and back entrance locks after strangers such as tradesmen or repairmen have been in your home. Sounds unlikely but someone could easily unlock a window to allow easy access later.

-If someone has a concussion, elevate their head so that fluid doesn't build up in their brain.

-If you ever find yourself without a clean water source grab a piece of cloth and 2 containers. Put the dirty water in one container and run the cloth from it to the empty glass. After a short while you will have filtered, muck free water. Remember to boil before drinking though.

-Your body loses heat up to 20 times faster when you get wet. This is obviously very important when it's cold. If you have to get wet, remove clothing and keep it dry. Do not put them back on until the excess water has been absorbed. You can do this by rolling in the snow which absorbs water, then putting dry clothing back on and starting a fire immediately.

-If someone has a concussion, keep their head elevated to allow fluid to drain so it doesn't pool in their brain pan. This means no lying down and absolutely no sleeping.

-Put something between you and the impending explosion. Anything at all. Line of sight means likely death. Even if it's only a few feet away, you are much more likely to survive with something in between you and the explosion.

-Resist eating the snow if you are at risk of hypothermia. Your body will expend a lot of energy and lose too much heat while attempting to melt the snow in your body.

-Crocodiles are very fast in a straight line, but cannot turn well. Next time you're being chased by a croc, run in zig-zags.

-If an attacker has a gun and you are not under his control, always run! The predator will only hit a running target 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely won't be a vital organ.

-Keep track of the time. A trick to staying alert and well-adjusted mentally is to keep track of how many days pass. Your mind will begin to play tricks on you if you are not maintaining some form of ritual.

-If you suspect that you're being followed, head to a public place. Once you're inside a store or restaurant, tell the manager what's happening so that you have someone who understands the situation.

*Whilst there is useful information here, these tips are provided for entertainment purposes only. If you find yourself in a sticky situation then please use common sense. Only a bloody idiot would rely on info they read on an adult website to save their life.


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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: "What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight waited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question?

Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is he moral of this story?



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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But..." stammers the driver. "Du it now!! Or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long.

"Right!" snarls the Highlander. "'Du it agin, now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again!" says the Highlander. "I can't do it anymore! You'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"


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-If you're ever caught in a rip, swim along the shore, not towards it. Rips are longer than they are wide. Float if you get a cramp.

-If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, without a trunk release, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will.

-Whilst it won't do much for deep, penetrating wounds like gunshots, super glue as an emergency suture can quickly bind and protect minor lacerations that otherwise could become infected.

-Don't turn your back on an angry person with a gun. It is psychologically easier for them to pull the trigger if they don't have to look you in the eye.

-If someone has been stabbed or impaled with a sharp object, don't pull it out (unless it's blocking an airway). By pulling out whatever the person has been stabbed with, you will increase rate of blood loss. The largest threat to any person after being stabbed/impaled is blood loss. Go against human nature and don't remove the object.

-Sitting is dangerous. Get up, stretch and walk around for 5 minutes. Sitting for prolonged periods can lead to blood clots in your calves. These clots can travel through your bloodstream and end up blocking blood flow to vital organs.

-Your urine could actually save your life if you face the risks of dehydration. It can also clean wounds and in hot weather, can be used on a fabric to keep you cool.

-Stop the bleeding, don't tourniquet it. Wrap it, put on pressure, lean against a wall, whatever it takes to stop the bleeding. The majority of gunshot victims can survive, so long as they stop bleeding. Improper tourniquets cause amputations.

-If you are bitten by a snake, get away from it immediately and then limit your movement as this prevents the spread of venom. Remember as much as you can about the snake so the hospital can administer the correct anti-venom.

-If you ever get stuck amidst poisonous gas leak, don't run in panic; find a heavy cloth and get it soaked with water and put it around your nose covering the whole mouth. Check the direction of wind and start moving against the direction, breathing as low as possible but not running.

-The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do as hard as you can. If you are on the ground kick as hard as you can at the groin, face and softer body areas. Punch, hit or grab them in the soft areas of the groin, face, nose or side of the jaw behind the ear. If grabbed around the neck, smash down as hard as you can with your forearms across the attackers forearms to break their grip.

-If you've been in a crash, it is okay to explore for water sources and safety, but it is important to come back to the crash site. It's a lot easier for search parties to find plane wreckage than it is to find a single person.

-If you are abducted and thrown into the front seat of a car, grab and pull out all the wires under the dash to disable the car, poke the attacker in the eyes, punch and jab at their face or grab the steering wheel, crashing at least gives you a chance to live.

-Crashes caused by falling asleep at the wheel have the highest fatality rate of any kind of auto accident, because when you fall asleep your leg muscles relax and gravity pulls your foot straight down to the floor, taking the gas pedal along with it. Never drive when you're sleepy.

-Swallowing coffee could counteract the airway-closing effects of a severe reaction to allergens like nuts. By blocking the release of throat-tightening histamine, coffee's compounds cut the rate of death among allergy ridden rodents by half. While it's not yet proven to be effective in humans, it's worth a try in the absence of emergency help or an epinephrine shot.

-In a situation where you are crying out for help, be specific. Calling out to specific people ("You in the blue shirt and white shorts!") will increase the likeliness of them helping you. Being called out reduces the likelihood of the "bystander effect" which is the more people around, the more people feel like it's not their responsibility to be the one to help.

-Never interrupt someone whilst they're yawning. Not only is it a shitty thing to do but can sometimes lead to dangerous consequences causing the yawner to choke, or possibly lead to death.

-Be willing to give up your wallet, but be smart. Toss it a few feet away from the attacker and take advantage of the opportunity to run.

-If you're headed on a nature trip, play it safe and smart by carrying a good quality knife with you at all times. It will help you with everything from making sparks for a fire to cutting through tough terrain.

-Need to get a cooking fire going with minimal effort? Grab an empty egg carton and place charcoal into the slots. Seal it up, light a corner and enjoy.

-Roughly a third of female murder victims are killed by current or former intimate partners, and in over 70% of cases they were victims of domestic violence before the murder. Treat every act of domestic violence as a serious death threat.

-If you feel a sharp pain in the heart, you have to do something before the ambulance arrives - breathe as deeply as you can. It will help to pump blood from heart.

-There are exceptions but in isolated or rarely used stairwells, always take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. Especially at night when no one is around.

-If you see a photo where you are the only person in a group who has 'red eyes' from the flash, visit a doctor. 'Red eye' in just one person in a group may indicate a case of retinoblastoma, which is a type of eye cancer.

*Whilst there is useful information here, these tips are provided for entertainment purposes only. If you find yourself in a sticky situation then please use common sense. Only a bloody idiot would rely on info they read on an adult website to save their life.

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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of the Outback. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the sellers, the blonde shouted; "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll get lucky and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the seller is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in total amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out; "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


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Bubba was bragging to his boss one day "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them". Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff "Okay, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it".

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else" Bubba says. "President Obama" his boss quickly retorts. "Yes" Bubba says "I know him, let's fly out to Washington". And off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up".

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time". So off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope". And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him "What happened?" His boss looks up and says "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"


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A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.

Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigour, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.

His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: "Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window".


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Sixth grade science teacher, Sister Mary Joseph, asked her class "Which human body part increases 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until Mary stood up and said "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Sister Mary Joseph ignored her and asked the question again "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Mary's mouth fell open "Boy, she is going to get in big trouble!" Sister ignored her again and continued "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye".

Sister said "Very good, Billy". She then turned to Mary and said "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed".


All done.

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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and West Coast by 3 goals. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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