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October 2016...
orsmupdate 2016.10.27-19.43

Welcome to "You're the love of my life" he said hatefully.

Like everyone else I had been absolutely hanging out for the return of The Walking Dead. I was pretty sure that the mullet guy would be the victim based on the last ep of S6 where he handed over his bullet recipe 'in case anything happens to me'. Seemed like that scene was for a reason but nope... the writers sold us a dummy and the beefcake guy and the Asian guy got pulverised in an epically brutal lesson in obedience. Was actually disappointed when the beefcake guy got creamed: "I waited 6 months just for that? Laaaaame".  Thankfully shit was redeemed in eye-poppingly good fashion.

Anyway... its been impossible to avoid the fan fallout ever since. Comments on social media and news articles, dickheads with blogs and you name it are losing their shit. Sooo many apparently done with the show now and it fucking baffles me. Guys please harden the fuck up. Remember Rick killed his best buddy who was a main character a few seasons back? You kept watching, it was worth it. Remember Carol's daughter ran off in to the forest only to turn up in the zombie barn? Fucking awesome. You kept watching, it was worth it. Remember the fat chick from Nurse Jackie copped a crossbow arrow through the head? Wasn't expecting that! You kept watching, it was worth it. TWD thrives on killing off characters we're invested in and suddenly now people can't take it. Dudes. Seriously. Sort your shit out. You would not survive 5 minutes in the apocalypse. And if nothing else remember - Glenn may be dead but even in a world where mankind is teetering on the edge of extinction I'm sure there'll still be too many Asians... (JOKING!! Settle down!)

And on to other stuff. Perhaps me and my life for a change? Sure why not...

Had very little planned for Saturday and with the emergence of a big ball of fire in the sky we headed straight for the coast to enjoy fresh air and exercise. Awesome to put feet into the ocean and ogle the abundance of females parading in their active wear. From there we swung past an outdoor market thingy. Was much better than I was expecting and that was despite the gay artsy crap which was on sale. Be honest - who really wants an old surfboard painted in retarded colours and covered in seashells to decorate their house with? Or an ugly $70 handwoven basket? Or how about a wanker fair trade ice coffee and $6.50 in a midget-sized cup? If you answered 'me' then it's time to reassess your life.

The rest of Saturday was spent outside. My gardening crusade is well under way and seedlings are being dug in everywhere. Why? Is it because if I don't then how the fuck will I complain about having to tend to an overgrown garden in the months to come? Yes.

Kicked off Sunday at a nearby farmers market. Always a good place to restock on cheap produce plus just a safe environment to let the little one burn off some energy. From there it was dim sum with a friend which killed a couple of hours then home without a plan. Basically just paced around the house trying to decide what needed doing before eventually finding myself outside in the garden. Of course there was a plant nursery visit was required. Seeking advice I snapped a couple of pics with my phone to show the garden 'expert' what the problem was. "There's no symmetry; it's unbalanced" I said. "I don't think that's a problem" he said. Dickhead.

Alrighty. I know when to stop and move on and that's now. Not to oversell it or anything but today's update is fucking brilliant and is guaranteed to entertain literally everyone who is lucky enough to experience it. Check it...

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Fucking IDIOTBonehead Jet Skier Nearly Dies Getting Sucked Under Container Ship- Must Be TrueA Fortune Teller Looks Into Britain’s Post-Brexit Future And Finds That, Yes, There Is Some Hope - Love This :-)Dude Reclaims The Arm Rest On His Flight And Won A Perfect Reaction - Can Be DoneToronto Indie Musician Dani Strong Beats The Odds To Hit No.1 On Country Charts - Ghosts BustedHonest Trailers Absolutely Destroys The New Ghostbusters - Wild CamgirlNerdy Teacher Doing Sex Class On Webcam - WTFFF!?Psychotically Perverted Japanese Porno Directors Have Constructed A Gigantic Fish Tank Made For Sexually Tormenting Cute Teenagers. - Wooshka!Cop Violently Kicks Suspect In The Head - She's PurtyModel Of The Day: Gemma Lee Farrell

SJW LOSERSPHD Throws In The Towel On SJW’s Because There Is No Reasoning With People This Stupid - Phat LatinaLatina Phat Ass Bikini Babe On The Street - Bella Puffy'sBella Thorne Puffy Nipples While Out For A Walk - XXX SithKleio Valentien Is Looking Red Hot As Darth Talon From The Star Wars: One Sith Xxx Parody! I’d Be Terrified But I’d Have Sex With A Sith If She Looked Like This. - Frisky TeenShe Can't Go 10 Minutes Without Pulling Those Winnebago's Out And Start Taunting Gravity. And We Love Her For It. - UnfknblvblAdriana Cernanova For GQ Portugal... She’s Fucking Great... And If You Don’t Believe Me – Just Look At Her Tits...!! - Painal :-pFirst Time Painal Ends In Tears For This Butt Hurt Amateur. - Gamer GFStick It Deep In This Redhead's Butthole And She's Yours For Life... As Long As You Let Her Play Call Of Duty While ou're Doing It. - Dick SuckerIf She Isn't Crying While Deepthroating Your Cock, Then She's Doing It Wrong - SLAM Her!Great Tits Girl Fucked On Table

Nude BeachCompilation Of Topless Tits On The Beach - 1st AnalNot So Loud!!! Chicks First Time Trying Anal Didn't Go As Planned! - Going DeepThat Big Black Cock Is Too Much For This Petite Cutie. Well... Almost... - Porn BimbosThese Super-Hot Bimbos Are Virtually Crazed For Cock! No Wonder I've Been Watching Over And Over Again! - Nuts EmptiedA Superb Emptying! - Dirty TalkHow To Make A Sex Tape In Detroit. The Dialogue Is The Real Star Of This One. Just Listen! - The BodyElle Macpherson... Even At 52 Fucking Years Old (I Can't Believe It Either!) She Still Has A God Damn Banging Bod. - Triple TittyIf you’ve got a Total Recall fetish, this will get you very excited! If you DON'T have a Total Recall Fetish, This Will Get You Very Excited! - Katie ToeKatie Price Bikini Cameltoe At The Beach - Suck Shit!This Guy Made A Website And Accidentally Got The Ultimate Revenge

Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity" said the shopkeeper. "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!"
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child "Go ahead honey say it just one more time". Once again the little Angel looks up and says "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says "Thanks a lot you old bitch, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood" the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please" said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma" said the third. "Okay, let me get this straight" the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister" one of them said after catching his breath "You scared us half to death - we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to the other side.
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil!" she responded. "Well, come on home with me" he said "I married your sister!"


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A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a BLACK Superman!? Take this back and get me something else I can wear!"

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a BLACK Batman!? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4. The husband yells at the wife "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2x4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"



Previously on Orsm: Blondes #5 - Blondes #4 - Blondes #3 - Blondes #2 - Blondes #1

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"


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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there". The she asked "Did you dance much?"

He replied "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"



CLEAVAGE Previously on Orsm: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4

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-When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
-Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
-Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
-If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
-When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
-As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to alternate dimensions.
-Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
-If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
-If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
-Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
-If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
-Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
-If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
-If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
-Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
-If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
-Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
-If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
-Don't let your kids eat and of the candy they collect. The sugar rush will send them wild and they'll drive you fucking mental.
-Don't babysit alone.
-Put an emergency weapon at every corner of the house.
-Remember that small towns have dark secrets.
-If all else fails, don't worry. Somebody presumed dead will be back to save you just in the nick of time.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."

The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster... faster... BUMPBUMPBUMP.

He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.

The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.

With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything... all he can find is a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...

Suddenly... the coffin stops.



PREGNANT Previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read...

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 10, 2011
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!


RANDOM SHITE 2016 10 27

OLDER SHITE: 20th October - 13th October - 6th October - 29th September - 22nd September - 15th September

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This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realised there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel.

Paralysed in terror, he watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realised the guy is crying and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to the other. "Look Bill, there's the wanker that got in the car while we were pushing it!"



Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin".

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?'"



A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. 

"OK, follow me..." he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the first bat "Because I fucking didn't!"



-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. Fuckloads of SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They're what you sheikh.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Same Orsm station. Same Orsm channel.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will get all shirty with you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and sharpen your wit. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.10.20-18.02

Welcome to melancholic orgasm.

I feel like the world is so engaged with the US Election that maybe we should all get a vote. Sure, campaigning in 195 countries might make things a little tricky for the candidates but as most people will tell you: "the outcome directly affects me!" Seems only fair, Americans!

I don't even know where to begin with my life's activities of the past week. Shit has been nonstop. Well the weekend was; the week not as much. The most interesting thing that's happened in the last couple was this morning. Have often said the place I'll probably die is on a particular stretch I walk along in peak hour. Was plodding through there today when I heard a very loud screech of tyres which instinctively made me jump. Surely this was my time but nope... a car had indeed locked it wheels but on the other side of the road, three lanes away. I'd have been able to run to a cafe, grab a coffee and return before it hit me. My earphones and Taylor Swift messed with the sound making me think it was coming from behind and I didn't in fact die at all. If you saw a fit, handsome fat fuck randomly jump for no reason on your way to work this morning... that was someone else.

Moving on... Saturday began like all good days do and should - motherfucking eggs; scrambled if you must know. Obviously like every Saturday from now back to the dawn of time it was rained out. Unbelievable. Pottered around most of the morning doing whatever including helping the GF work on a wedding cake and cupcakes for a friend's wedding later on. Then about an hour before the ceremony came a knock at the door. T'was the groom and co asking to get ready at our place. Of course come on in! Good on them but I COULD NOT roll this way. For such an important event I'd have a plan plus a backup plan plus a failsafe and would not be so calm if my shit got messed up. Anyway we sorted that and rushed off to deliver the cakes then came back to the bombsite house to get showered and ready.

We also had driving duties for the bridal party which, for a bunch of reasons I shan't go in to, lead to me finding out halfway through the ceremony a few people would be coming back to our place before the reception. "Umm exsqueeze me? A baking powder?" So again it's important to point out the house was a pigsty. There was cake decorating stuff, toys, clothes and just shit everywhere. Everywhere. So I raced back home the moment the ceremony was over and employed a cleaning technique called "Pick everything up, chuck it in the spare room and close the door". Also had to squeeze in a trip to the shops to grab nibbles and return to transport everyone back in not that much time. It was a mission and managed to pull it off with no one any the wiser...

Next up was the reception. Drove the crew there, ran around most of the night with my camera and had a nice time despite knowing pretty much no one there. We made it home exhausted at half 9 and collapsed in bed. For a wedding I expected to just roll up to and sit quietly, it was an exceptional amount of effort. This does not encourage me to get married...

Sunday was supposed to be breakfast with mates but didn't happen. This freed up my morning as GF and kid took off to do whatever wherever. Sooo... baked a loaf of bread from scratch. Then mowed the lawn. Gardened. Hosed down outside area. Cleaned windows. Sorted all the recycling. Sprayed weeds. Pulled weeds. Snail pelleted everywhere. Finally found all the Jenga blocks. Did 4 loads of laundry. Plus a whole bunch of other stuff including sunburning the top of my head. Been forever since that's happened!

By this point I was wrecked. Hadn't got around to eating at all and Saturday's activities were catching up with me... but still resisted the urge to cancel. Thank you Red Bull. A mate collected me around 2.30 and we headed south to Fremantle for a going away party. If I'm being honest, ignoring that the buzz hit me on just the second pint was a terrible idea. Furthermore, carelessly moving on to wine and inhaling it just as quickly was even more stupiderer. Skip forward to mid-evening we were well beyond messy. The ride home even included a few unscheduled and urgent stops so my drinking buddy could purge. One such stop resulted in a severe ankle injury. Totally worth it though. As was the shocking hangover. Isn't often I get to pump out a boozy Sunday session and if that means one of my mates has to suffer pain and the inconvenience of being on crutches for a few months, so be it...

Alllllrighty then. Let's get going with the update. Goes without saying I worked my b-hole off on this one and whilst you may not care... who am I kidding... of course you do. This update rocks. That is all. Check it...

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TerrifyingFrightening Moment Great White Shark Got Inside Cage With A Person Inside- The GambleA Guide To The World Of Online Casinos And The Future Of Gambling—Everything You Need To Know - Get A Life!!Nosy Neighbours Try To Get This Guy's Garage Shut Down - Drunk & HighCanna Vine Is Weed-Infused Wine, Meaning You Can Get High And Drunk At The Same Time - OMG STOP NOW!Bar Fights Back Against Customer’s Negative Review And It Totally Backfires - Great BoobsA Few Beautiful Naked Breasts Secretly Filmed On Carefree And Nude Beaches In The South Of France - Huge LoserThe Misadventures Of "Cuck Finn" And His Stallion, Andrew. Today They Breed A Mega Whale-Beast For Recreation. Mistakes Are Made, Disagreements Are Had And Boners Are Killed Over Some "Dumbass Pictures". - Swift KickAll You Need Is A Kick To The Face- F-ing LameReporter Accidentally Outs Fake Martial Arts Master

Butter QueenBlonde Girl Deepthroats Stick Of Butter, Swallows It In One Gulp - Flaps SlipCharlotte Dawson No Panties In See-Thru Skirt - Beach HottieBikini Babe Nici Dee Drops The Bikini In A Lifeguard Tower At The Beach And Goddamn Does She Look Good!! Perfect Body And Her Tits Are Looking Perky As Fuck. - Figure HuggingJessica Biel In Fetish Gear - Cringey!!Emmy Award Winning Porn Acting - Tasty TeenPetite Teen Destroyed By Two Monster Cocks. - Disgusting PigThere's No Limits To The Deviant Deeds This Psychotic Slut Will Perform, And Her Pussy Explodes Like A Bursting Water Main! - Mouth VaginaIf She Isn't Crying While Deepthroating Your Cock, Then She's Doing It Wrong - Hawt FacialGuy Splashes Cum All Over The Face Of This Cute Asian Teen

Am I Normal?Nowadays, Asking The Creepy Janitor Guy About Dicks Is Considered Weird. But Back In The Day, He Was The Go To Guy For Good Penis Info. - BabaricHead Instead Of Ball - Inmates Play Soccer In Prison Yard - Seeya BroQuestionable Video Shows, What Appears To Be A Group Bullying A Single Man Before Throwing Him Dick-First Into A Passing Bus. - Dancer NipsMisty Copeland Is A Pretty, Amazing And Celebrated American Dancer Who Is Ripped, Fit And Flexible... And Also Famous On Instagram Which Is The Key To All Things In This World. - BJ ChampionIs There Such A Thing As A Cock Sucking Champion? There Is Now! - Free SexPetite Redlight Hooker Fucks A Tourist - Fuck MidgetsIf There's One Video You Must Watch Today... A Freaky Midget Getting Blown Has To Be The One! - Killer CleavThe Sexy Kara Del Toro Walked The Red Carpet For The Premiere Of American Pastoral! Sexy Dress That Pretty Much Looks Like Fancy Lingerie. Great Cleavage. - Fashion TitsBella Hadid Braless In See Through Dress For Fashion Week

A little boy was in the bath with his mum. The boy said "What's that hairy thing, mommy?" She replied "That is my sponge". "Oh yes" said the boy "The babysitter has got one too. I've seen her washing dad's face with it".
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin". Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened".
I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's love juice?" Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says "So what were you watching?" Billy says "Wimbledon".


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What I love about this exhaustive list of shits you can take is that we as a society felt the need to make one. So here it is... every type of shit you can possibly have/do/take...

THE GHOST SHIT: You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

THE TEFLON COATED SHIT: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

THE PERFECT DUMP: Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

THE GOOEY SHIT: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

THE BEER SHIT: Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised...

THE SECOND THOUGHT SHIT: You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realise it... you've got some more.

THE POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT: This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

THE EMPTY ROLL: Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "Where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every Empty Roll Dumper must face... pull up your pants, tighten your cheeks and shuffle to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

THE BALI BELLY SHIT: You shit so much you lose 5 kilos. An Indonesian delicacy.

THE RIGHT NOW SHIT: You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

THE WHOLE ROLL CRAP: No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a half dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls - whatever it takes.

THE KING KONG OR COMMODE CHOKER SHIT: This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

THE WISH SHIT: You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

THE SPLASH BACK: This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and have toilet running water up your back. Tip: blot don't wipe.

THE CEMENT BLOCK OR OH GOD SHIT: You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

THE SNAKE SHIT: This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

THE ENCORE: Ahhh, you're done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.

THE FLOATER SHIT: Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

THE BEER DRUNK SHIT: This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

THE CHILLI DUMP (AKA THE JAPANESE FLAG): Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging your butthole and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

THE FRIGHTENED TURTLE: The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

THE BUNGEE SHIT: The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

THE CHILDBIRTH SHIT: This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies giving birth!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

THE RING OF FIRE SHIT: The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

THE CRIPPLER: The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

THE CLING-ON TURD: You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors...

THE BIG BOBBER TURD: The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

THE SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG SHIT: The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

THE MACHINE GUN POOP: Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16... damn commies.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK SHIT: The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice its normal size.

THE JACK THE RIPPER SHIT: The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

THE SOUND EFFECT: You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Cough loudly in time with each release.

THE PARTY POOPER: The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

THE TOXIC GAS SHIT: The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

THE DIRTY BOWL SHIT: The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

THE WINDY CITY SHIT: When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

THE OH SHIT! SHIT: You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

THE NEVER ENDING SHIT: It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

THE OUCH THAT HURT SHIT: The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.



Love Me Some Vagina: #1 - #2 - #3 - #4 - #5 - #6 - #7 - #8

There was once this guy who liked to travel from pub to pub across the countryside. One day, he came up to a pub he had never heard of. He went inside and sat at the bar.

"What'll it be?" asked the bartender. "A beer thanks, but what's that jar?" he said pointing up to a jar on the top shelve. "Well, anyone who can drink it wins the collected prize money, which stands at around $80 right now" said the bartender. "What's in it?" the man asked. "Used to be a spittoon, everyone spat in the thing as a joke and now were looking for a brave man".

The man looked around at all the people watching attentively "No that's a bit much for me I think". Then suddenly people from in the pub started betting money on it. "Come on! Give it a go!" said people from the bar. Before the man knew it the bet had gone up to $500! The bartender brought the jar down from its shelf. People by then were yelling and chanting for the guy to do it.

Then with consideration "I'll drink it!" said the man. Screams of encouragement came from all around. He unscrewed the top of the jar and picked it up off the bar. Everyone in the pub fell silent. The man lifted it to his mouth and started drinking it. The sight was horrible! People everywhere were looking at him drinking all the phlegm and couldn't believe it.

"Stop, its making me feel ill!" said one of the people in the bar. Then other people started yelling out, begging the man to stop, but he didn't! "Don't worry about the money, we'll give it all to you! Just stop drinking it!!" came from the audience of patrons.

But he didn't stop!

Finally, he had finished it, and dropped the jar onto the floor. People in the pub were vomiting and dizzy. One then came up to the man "Why didn't you stop!? I said we would give you the money!" The man, green in the face looked up and said "I couldn't... it was all one piece!"


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An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too!"

Then the redneck opened his lunch and said "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!"

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much".

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch".



ASIAN GIRLS: Gallery #1 - Gallery #2 - Gallery #3 - Gallery #4 - Gallery #5 - Gallery #6 - Gallery #7

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A guy decides he wants to learn how to hunt. Needing a good hunting dog, he visits a farmer who has been advertising hounds in the newspaper. The farmer shows him several dogs, but the guy doesn't like them. Then he spots one hound that the farmer hasn't shown him.

The guys asks "What about that one?" "Oh, no" the farmer replies. "That one's my special dog". "What's so special about him?" "Let me show you".

The farmer leads the guy and the dog to a field, lifts up one of the dog's ears, and orders "Go find the birds!" The dog charges to a nearby bush, points and barks once. "That means there's one bird in that bush" says the farmer. "No way!" exclaims the guy. The farmer takes a stick and pokes the bush, and a huge pheasant flies out.

To further convince the guy, the farmer again lifts the dog's ear and repeats "Go find the birds!" This time the dog streaks off to another bush, points, and barks twice. "That means there's two birds in there" says the farmer, taking his stick and poking at the bush. Two huge pheasants pop out and fly away.

"I've gotta have that dog!" says the man. "Well, okay" replies the farmer. "But it's gonna cost you a bundle". The guy forks over the bucks and takes the dog.

A month later, the farmer has to go to the city and decides to visit the guy who bought his prize hound. When he asked the guy about the dog, the man replies "A couple of buddies and I went hunting, and when we got to a field the damnedest thing happened. I went up to the dog, lifted one of his ears, and said 'Go find the birds.' The dog took off like a bat outta hell and ran into the field, barking and running around like crazy. Then he jumped on my leg and started humping it like I was a bitch in heat. After that, he grabbed a stick and started shaking it violently at me! I thought he'd gone nuts for sure, or maybe had rabies or something. So I shot the fucker".

"You blithering idiot!" yelled the farmer. "He was just telling you that there's more fuckin' birds out there than you could shake a stick at!"

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A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.

The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called "Mister, what's your name!"

The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said "You guess, buddy! You guess!"



A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her "No". The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now".

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said "There there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out".

When they finally got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamour for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely "Monica, we'll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap".

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica" he began. The mother replied "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy".


RANDOM SHITE 2016 10 20

OLDER SHITE: 13th October - 6th October - 29th September - 22nd September - 15th September - 8th September

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Relatives had gathered in the hospital waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves".

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a length of time, someone asked "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain".

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used".



One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top...

The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn't be able to eat.''

Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.''

Then the heart said, ''I should be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point A to point B. Without me, the body would die.''

Then the brain said, '' Well, without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow circulation of blood, so I should be on top.''

Now, the asshole was beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the digestive track and screw all of you up.''

It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm fed up, I'm shutting up my hole!''

So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said, ''Please open up, you made your point, you're on top, just open up!'' The asshole smiled, ''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES'' everyone shouted. ''OK!'' so the asshole opened up and the body could shit again.

The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole to be on top...



GIRLS IN GLASSES - Gallery #1 - Gallery #2 - Gallery #3 - Gallery #4 - Gallery #5 - Gallery #6


Well here we are again...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. Fucloads of SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Trust me its worth it!
-Next update will be next Thursday not thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will rant and rave like a mad man in support of Donald Trump whilst railing against liar Hillary Clinton as if he was working for the Trump campaign despite being a resident of Australia and not a citizen of the United States nor ever having been there.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and lick the butter off. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.10.13-17.28

Welcome to the end of the beginning.

I had the week! You know the one where everything just breaks at once? THAT one. It actually started a few weeks ago when our Samsung refrigerator began freezing the fuck out of everything. I'm sure their tech support people were a little surprised a Samsung product was bunking the trend and not catching on fire. It took a bunch of phone calls and "press these 2 buttons for self-diagnostics mode" before they would send a repair guy by which point the problem had magically resolved itself. The technician must've thought I was a retard. His exact words were "We can't diagnose a problem we can't find". He would not make a good armchair psychologist.

Water... this has actually been going on for a while. Remember a little while back I mentioned a water main exploded a few doors down and they worked all night to fix it? Yes I knew you would. Ever since then our water has been randomly brown. Yeah yeah it's apparently safe to drink and the brown stuff is just stirred up sediment that's always in the pipes but who the fuck wants to drink brown water? How do we know something hasn't broken somewhere and we're drinking poop water? It now goes brown 2-3 times a week. Annoying AF.

Tuesday was when it all started to go pear shaped. Came home from some exercising and headed straight for the bathroom. Brushed my teeth and noticed that the water wasn't draining. The plug is one of those stupid press down types... and that's what I did... and that's where it stayed. So I was like "Fuck you, plug. You're not the boss of me!" and strode defiantly out to the other bathroom. Began brushing my teeth and noticed, again, that the water wasn't draining. The plug is one of those stupid press down types... and that's what I did... and that's where it stayed. I'm not sure what the odds of two different basin plugs seizing at exactly the same time are but... it must be rarer than something that is really, REALLY rare... like common sense... or skinny Americans... or funny Australians. Anyway I grabbed some tools, disassembled and found blockages of the nastiest goops ever seen. De-gooped and carried on.

Later in the day was electricity's turn. I've been electrocuted once before; way back in my factory days. There was the cocksmoker called Heath who worked there. He thought he was king shit but in reality he was just an abusive bully with inadequacy issues. Long story short, Heath behaved like an animal and was the one responsible for damaging a powerboard which I inadvertently put my finger in when trying to use it. Long, long story short, getting electrocuted fucking hurts. Anyway... I walked into the kitchen and noticed all the appliances were off. Go to the main board, flick the thingy back on but it immediately flicked back off. Over and over. Fuckerrrrr. I begin switching everything off and by process of elimination realise there's an outdoor power point full of water. No way I am touching the thing and still waiting for the electrician to show up and fix his crappy work.

Next was the laundry. I had been trying to wash a shirt I need for this weekend all day. Every time I put the washer on it would get ten minutes into the cycle, hang for another 10 or so then give an error code on the panel. It's an old washer; manual is long gone and the internet isn't much help. So I just start tinkering and eventually find a little drain thingy. Uncap it and water begins flushing out. No probs - it will just run into the nearby floor drain... which it did... but turns out that it was blocked too! Some light flooding, quite a bit of mopping and further disassembly later, I discovered a bra underwire had come loose and messed some shit up. Heroically removed the pieces, claimed victory, reminded everyone how lucky they were to have a person of my calibre living amongst them... and then noticed the washing machine was blocking up again. Lesson: in future just give it like 30 or so seconds before boasting.

It wasn't all bad though and this story thankfully has a happy ending. I was making breakfast this morning and needed Vegemite for my toast. Opened the cupboard, grabbed the Vegemite and heard a sudden *crack* as a jar of marmalade fell to its death. Suck shit marmalade - no one likes you!

The only other mentionable is our neighbour's laptop which inexplicably died and fell to me to repair. Several rounds of questioning took place because it just wasn't adding up. My expert diagnosis was ultimately that fiercely shaking a computer of any sort isn't good for it.

And that is that. Time to get on with it and I'm back with a brand new invention. Check it...

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Huuuge Balls!Courageous Pilots Fly Straight Into The Eye Of Hurricane Matthew - Killer ClownsThese Insane, Seriously Disturbing Scare Pranks Are Complete Nightmare Fuel - Classic Ali GFarmer Loses His Will To Live After An Interview With Ali G. I Have Never Seen This One Before! - Look Again!50 Completely Innocent SFW Photos That Will Conclusively Prove You Have A Dirty Mind - Twolling Wight?Satanist Girl Has Football Down To A Science - Target Porn!An Outside Caller Tricked The Operator Into Transferring Their Call To An Extension That Happened To Be For The Overhead Speakers... Then They Just Played Porn Audio Down The Line! - Awkward AsianI've Never Seen Someone So Happy To Get Gang Banged In The Mouth...But I Guess Anything Beats Being Back Home Making Soccer Balls In The Rice Fields. - OH FFS!College Student Given Failing Grade After Accidentally Referencing Porn Star - *BOOM*Landmine Defusing Goes Wrong

Boob TypesExperts Have Revealed That There Are Nine Official Types Of Breasts - Ultra SexyOlympia Valance Areola Peek On The Red Carpet - Stunning KylieBusty Blonde Kylie Page In The Shower! This Is Outstanding. She Is Outstanding! - Hipster HuneeJulia Decker Is An Instagram Model Who Gets Naked For Her Photographer Friends. Really You Don’t Even Need To Be That Hot To Make It On Insta, You Just Need To Get Naked... - Ffffffuuuck!Suicidal Man Leaves Nothing To Chance - 70's PornogThe 70's Weren't Just About HAIRY COCKS AND PUSSIES.... These Freaks Were DEVIANT As FUCK! - Wife PloughedShe Got Him A Camera For Their Anniversary. And He Filmed Her Getting Railed From Behind By A Strange Cock. - Punks FuckWhen They're Not Slam Dancing And Screaming Anarchy, These 2 Punks Like To Strip Down A Fuck Like Rabid Monkeys. - Double A

Kinky TeenKinky American Blonde Teen Is So Fucking Hot With Those Big Tits And Curvy Ass - Incredi-blowI've Never Seen A Girl Do This With Her Hair... But I'd Love To Try It! - Blasted AF!Maybe Its The Residual Radiation In The Air.....Or All The Sushi. But These Cock Explosions Would Make Godzilla Proud! - PoképornThe Only Way She'll Fuck Is If She's Dressed Like Pokemon? - Ferris SlutWhen It's Time To Cut Your Girlfriend Off... - Cuban GoddessRachel Vallori Is Naked For Some Famous Photographer You've Never Heard Of. - Fake...?Fake...? - Fitness BabeHere’s Big Boob Cara Ruby Getting Naked After A Workout! I’d Like To Give Her Another Workout In The Shower If Ya Know What I Mean!!? - Hard NipsAshley James Rock Hard Pokies While Out On A Walk - Hotttt!!Busty Blonde Wants To Get Her Boobs Bigger

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300". The husband asked "What would mine go for?" The wife replied "They were giving ones like yours away for free". The husband said "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000". "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied "That was where they were holding the auction".
I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said "At last, they're finally together". Her sister sitting in the front row said "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied "I mean her legs".
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, err, 'female juices'. "But you're balder than I am" protested the customer. "True" admitted the barber "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"


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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains at a local university. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

"Well" he said "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation".

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start".



DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs". The rancher says "Okay, but do not go in that field over there" as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me". Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull!

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge! Show him your BADGE!!"


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A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip".

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club'. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing". She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... how are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"



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The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately.

The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" He replies "Yes I do, sir". "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir". Interviewer continues "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir". The interviewer looks at the man "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her".

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.

The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes.

The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table.

The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!" to which the guy replies "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

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An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen you! I'm not that kind of woman! Got it!!"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again "Would you let me bite your breasts -just once- for $10,000?!" She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm $10,000... okay just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there".

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them!

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah" says the little old man... "too expensive!"



A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before its starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said "Quick, another beer before it starts!"

"THAT'S IT!" She blows her top "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?"

"The husband sighed "Oh shit... it's started..."


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One by one, all the senior members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the chairman's office until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the other ten directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he sat down, the chairman turned to Ted, looked him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied. "Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!" "You'd swear to that?" "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt, anytime, anywhere" insisted Ted.

"Good... then you fire her".



A couple decided to head to Alaska for a romantic weekend.

When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said "Honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said "Honey my hands are cold again". She then said "Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"



Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife paused for a moment before replying "Probably the fucking funeral director would be my guess".


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand done.

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They like when you look at them like that.
-Next update will be next Tuesday... if Tuesday is the new way to spell Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will grab you by the pussy.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and tongue my balls, baby. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.10.06-17.28

Welcome to send in the clowns!

Less than 5 weeks until the US Election and eeeeeeevryone's a political expert. Here's an expert opinion: One asshole will win and slightly less than half the voter will be upset about it; slightly more than half will go on with their lives feeling vindicated but not really caring. Accusations that the election was rigged will begin immediately. There'll be some legal shit in the days and months after. People will talk about the loser like everything he or she said and did was better and nobler. Nothing will change and the cycle will repeat in 8 years.

Moving on. We shouted dinner recently for a stranger who was having a bad day. We were having a crappy day as well which is why we ended up together. The stranger wasn't poor or homeless, it was simply meant as a nice gesture. She was grateful and offered to pay us but we declined. Sure enough, two minutes after her fork went down she headed for the vending machines to buy not one but two drinks. "That's really nice of her" I thought as she rounded the corner towards us. But oh-no-no the drinks weren't for us at all. They were for her! Absolutely no offer to return the favour whatsoever. Now I certainly wasn't expecting anything and wouldn't have accepted it anyway but seriously, if there was ever a bigger display of no fucking class I'm yet to see it. People... you gotta love 'em.

On with whatever. Saturday was supposed to be an 'around the house' day. By that I mean the GF and kid go out to do fun stuff while I do maintenance and gardening/weeding. That particular day had been a long time coming. It was the first weekend back after holidays and spring should well and truly have arrived. Of course though it was and still is MIA. At this point it's starting to feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with winter. But its okay - winter doesn't mean to rain on me... it just gets angry sometimes. I know winter still loves me.

So I kicked off early at my local Bunnings hardware store to get a bunch of stuff and expecting the rain to fuck off. It was deserted by usual standards so we can safely assume that people a) can interpret a forecast which says 'heavy rain, strong wind and possible hail today, all day and maybe until the end of time' better than me b) are smarter than me c) had plans to watch the Grand Final instead d) all of the above.

Returning home, options from there were limited. Turned attention to cleaning down my garage workbench. It had reached peak capacity, covered with numerous unfinished junk, long ago. The not-working-and-subsequently-dismantled-waiting-for-me-learn-soldering-Chinese-piece-of-shit-RC-helicopter that was never going to fly again; the old blender I'd hung on to in the hopes of doing my own 'Will It Blend?' with creepy kids toys we've been given; half broken crockery needing a lot of gluing; dried out paint tins for stuff that needs to be painted aaaand so on... ALL that shit was joyfully smashed into the garbage. Feels god man plus now the workbench is clear for me to fill up with new crap.

The rest of the day was spent doing stuff outside in between gaps in the sky water and watching the footy final. For 99% of people on this side of the country, with the local teams not in contention, it was mostly a non-event. I hadn't even planned to watch based on that but turned out to be a great game. That night, dinner out for the second night in a row. Would gladly not have left the house either night but both events were mandatory attendance.

Sunday was hugely domesticated. We punched out a family event midmorning then spent the rest of it in the kitchen cooking up and filling the freezer. And that's about it. Dull, quiet and uneventful yet I've skilfully managed to turn it into all the words! Anyway let's get on with the rest of the update. It's seriously brilliant and will shatter all expectations. Why? Because it's a fucking Thursday that's what. Check it...

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Fuck OMGBikini Girl Learns Why You Don't Rope Swing Over Jagged Rocks- Brilliant MashUpDonald Trump Quotes Get Remixed Into A Catchy, Funky Song By Australian Musician Pogo - Mustang JerkMustang Seems To Be A Little Bit Too Much Car For This D-Bag - FishageddonFishermen Get Swarmed By A Fish Rush - Max PleasureYou Think She Enjoyed That? I Think She Enjoyed That...! - Sex RitualsThese Insane Sex Rituals Are From Actual Documentaries Which Later Inspired "Cannibal Holocaust". I Gotta Warn You, This Gets Pretty Disturbing And Then It Gets Worse... And Worse. Enjoy! - Tripping BallsWhen The Doctors Give You A Hallucinogenic Pain Reliever - Ugly FukaNewborn Baby Looks Like An 80 Year Old Man - Times 2Man Who Weighed 500 Pounds Two Years Ago Now Weighs 250 Pounds Times Two

Plus-Sized? NoThis Model Doesn't Want To Be Called "Plus Size" Anymore And We Agree - Tasty WifeyI Like The Up Against The Glass Stuff Because Pressed Boobs Are Always A Winner!! Nips Looking Just As Good As Ever!! - Natural HottieBusty Katarina Kozy Stripping And Oiling In Her Tits Before Jumping Some Rope! Bounce, Bounce, Bounce. All The Way To Heaven! - Malin ToplessMalin Akerman In Some Naked Movie Scene - "Fun" ParkI Guess It's True People Do Start Not Giving A Fuck Later In Life - Lucky GirlHe Barely Can Fit Half Of It In Her Ass! - Sex KittenYou Can't Blame The Dude... She's Smoking Hot And Needs Cum Badly... He Had No Other Choice! - Breaking ButtsNothing Screams Entertainment More Than Brutal Anal! - Goes At ItSlim Brunette Want To Become A Pornstar. She Works Hard And Well For That.

BangCOCKCorey Snapchatted His Bangkok Vacation Experience With A Ladyboy. Corey Is Now A Living Legend. - Hurt Bro?Guy Must Be In Serious Pain After Having Being Speared Through The Neck And Having It Come Out Of His Shoulder On The Other Side - Miranda KerrMiranda Kerr modelling pics from whatever swim or underwear company is that is using her. she Looks God Damn Incredi-Balls! - Blonde DykesThere Are Many Forms Of Athletic Talent... Taking Massive Objects In The Ass Is Definitely One Of Them! - Fierce OrgasmIs She Cumming Or Just Retarded? - Every PositionThis Couple Likes To Try Every Fucking Position In The Kama Sutra Book - Mums DildoNever Ask Mummy What Game She Plays With That Toy - Double BlojeTwo Beautiful Girls Go To Work On One Fat Cock. - Tinder FailMarried Guy On Tinder Gets Humiliated By Vengeful Wife!

A pastor walked outside of the church because he heard the children being loud. He sees the kids all grouped up. "What are you doing?" The children make the circle wider to show a puppy they had found. "It's a beautiful dog, who will take it home?" The pastor asks. The children look at each other until one of them speaks up. "I know! Whoever tells the biggest lie can take it home! Would you like to play pastor?" The pastor shrugs his shoulders and says "I don't know, it will be hard because I've never told a lie". The child picks the dog up and hands it to the pastor "Here you go. You win".
With the world over population, there needs to be a restriction on the people that can breed. It seems only fair that it should be done in alphabetical order... Africans, Arabs, Asians, blacks...
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does". Joanne giggled and confessed "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft". Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said "The postman". Looking puzzled Joanne asked "Why the postman?" "Because... he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box".
"Give it to me!" she yelled "I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.


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DO fish ever sneeze?
CAN sour cream go bad?
WHAT is the speed of dark?
WHY do clocks run clockwise?
WHY do doughnuts have holes?
WHAT do you call a male ladybug?
IS there another word for synonym?
WHY isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
WHY don't sheep shrink when it rains?
CAN vegetarians eat animal crackers?
WHAT do chickens think we taste like?
WHY does unscented hair spray smell?
WHY is it that rain drops but snow falls?
IF a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
WHAT... is another word for Thesaurus?
WHY is a bra singular and panties plural?
WHY do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
WHY is "abbreviated" such a long word?
IS it okay to use the AM radio after noon?
IF love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
WHY isn't there a mouse-flavoured cat food?
HOW and why do horses sleep standing up?
WHY do ketchup bottles have narrow necks?
WHY don't people snore when they're awake?
WHY isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
DO Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
WHY didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
WHAT was the best thing before sliced bread?
IS a clear conscience a sign of a bad memory?
IF you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
WHAT do people in China call their good plates?
WHAT happens to the tread that wears off tyres?
WHAT does the phrase "Now then" really mean?
HOW do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
SUPPOSE the hokey-pokey is what its all about?
WHY do psychics have to ask you for your name?
WHY doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
WHY do people like to pop bubble wrap so much?
DO crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
WHY are people immune to their own body odour?
IF you can boycott shampoo and demand real poo?
WHY do you never hear about gruntled employees?
IF ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
WHAT happens if you get scared half to death twice?
IF man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
WHY do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
IF the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
WHEN cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
WHY do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
IF all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
WHAT would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
WHY is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
IF you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
WHY does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
WHY is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
IF a book about failures doesn't sell well, is it a success?
WHEN dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
WOULD you still be hungry if you ate pasta and antipasto?
IF Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
WHY can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
HOW does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work?
WHAT would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
IF flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
IF nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?
WHY must there be five syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"
WHY don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
WHY is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
IF they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
WHY do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
IF a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
WHY are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
HAVE you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
WHEN dogs bark for hour on end, why don't they ever get hoarse?
WHAT size were hailstones before the game of golf was invented?
WHY do we say that something is out of whack? What is a whack?
IF you go to a general store, will they let you buy anything specific?
IF con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
WHAT hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
WHY do superficial paper cuts tend to hurt more than grosser cuts?
IF you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
WHY are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
THE early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
WHY is experience something you don't get until just after you need it?
IF one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest also have to drown?
WHY do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
IF we're here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
WHY is the period of the day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?
WHY are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
SHOULD we be concerned that engineers describe their work as "practice?"
HOW do they keep all the raisins in a cereal box from falling to the bottom?
IF cement was invented 7,000 years ago, why isn't the whole planet paved?
WHY do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot-dog buns 8 to a package?
WHY is the telephone key pad arranged differently than a calculator key pad?
WHY do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
IF you build an idiot-proof system, will the world create a better-quality idiot?
WHY do engineers call it research when they're searching for something new?
HOW many roads does a man need to travel down before he admits he is lost?
IF the police arrest a mime, do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
WHY do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
IF the 711 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
IF you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
IF quitters never win and winners never quit, why should you "quit while you're ahead?"
WHEN two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss rather than a near hit?
DOES current emphasis on artificial intelligence support the existence of artificial stupidity?
IF a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
LIGHT travels faster than sound; is that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
WHEN a fly alights on the ceiling, does it perform a loop or a roll in order to get upside down?
HOW do military cadets find their caps after tossing them in the air at graduation ceremonies?
HOW do they get deer to cross a highway where they place one of those yellow warning signs?
WHY is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
AIRPLANES have an indestructible black box. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
WHEN you pick something up so your hands are full, why does someplace on your face start to itch?
WHY is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
IF it's zero degrees today and tomorrow is supposed to be twice as cold, what will tomorrow's temperature be?
A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops. What occurs at a desk with a work station?
WHY is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship its called cargo?



There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock". He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee". He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock".

She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black".


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John just graduated Clinical Psychology and opens a small office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.

He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised.

John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds "Tonight's the night!!"



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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plough to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plough went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plough she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plough stopped.

The driver got out, came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window. The snow plough driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plough when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

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While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope" replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Again Jimmy says "Nope". "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No" said Jimmy. "I went into mum and dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me".

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch" Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet".



Little Arty went to the first day of kindergarten and sat down. His teacher went around the room and was asking every boy and girl his or her name. When she got to Arty he said "My name is Arty but they call me 'Farty' and that pisses me off". Sensing some anger she said to Arty "This is kindergarten Arty, we don't talk like that".

Then she went around and asked everyone their address. When she got to Arty he said "I live on Third Street but they call it 'Turd Street' and that really pisses me off". She said "Arty I want you to meet me after class at my desk".

"Yes ma'am" Arty said. So he meets her at the desk. His teacher says "You seem like a smart little boy, can you tell me what this means?" and she pulls up her dress. He says "Of course I can. That means you wanna diddle and I'm too little and that really pisses me off".


Random Shite 2016 10 06
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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and sure enough ends up in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows though its 3AM!

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!?" He says "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her".

"Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"



A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a truck stop café and placed his order. He said "I want three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards". The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook "This guy out there just ordered three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards... what does he think this place is an auto parts store?"

"No" the cook said. "Three flat tyres mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and a pair of running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"

"Oh okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of baked beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked "What are the beans for, blondie?" She replied "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tyres, headlights and running boards, you might as well fill up on gas!"




He goes like dis...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I promise they won't disappoint... as long as you aren't one of those people with stupid high expectations.
-Next update will be next Thursday. YOU SHOULD FUCKING KNOW THIS BY NOW.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will pen a particularly scathing think piece about you, post it on Facebook, then tag you in it. *BURN*
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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