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September 2003...
orsmupdate 2003.09.17-22.04
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Well here I am at that scary time of the year once again. Time to increment the age count by one and time to look in the mirror and wonder if the best years of my life are yet to come or if they've already been. That's right - here comes another god damn birthday.

Keeping within tradition, for my 25th birthday last year a night of drunken debauchery was shared by my friends and I as we partied away at my favourite bar until the wee hours of the morning. I'm all for getting drunk beyond belief but by the time that nite was over I was well and truly spastic drunk like I've probably only been once or twice in my life. Had an awesome time.

So last update I was crapping on about how the last 12 months have flown by and this was reaffirmed earlier as I took a stroll down memory lane and looked at the pics we snapped off at my birthday celebrations last year.

Pictures are a dangerous thing. They bring back a lot of memories you would otherwise [choose to?] forget. I sit here now thinking I know way more about the world and it's ways, people and life than I did then. How I was more naive, how I didn't have a clue.

Funnily enough thats something I tend to do every year and right around this time too and you can bet your money that I'll be sitting here in a year or so rapidly approaching my 27th birthday thinking back at how stupid, immature, naive and ridiculous I sounded writing this update.

It's for that reason I may actually go buy myself a journal this year - one of those things I've been meaning to get around to since before I even turned 21. Ideally in 20 years time I'll be able to start reading back over what I was thinking from around the time I turned 26 and make sense of some of the questions above...

Oh incase any of you guy's are wondering what to get me for my birthday you can find a whole list of shit I need right here!!

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Now this is a site that'll spin you guys out - RevengeTV.com. What do you do when your ex-bitch has burnt you? You burn her back ofcourse! And what better way than to submit you favourite fuck pics and vids of her to Revenge TV!? This site truly kicks ass and is in a class all of it's own! Check it @ RevengeTV.com.

Am glad to say I finally got my car back albeit a week longer than it was supposed to be... would you believe 5 weeks all up!? The insurance assessors are to blame here. Not only do they insist on making life difficult over the simplest of things but they slow the whole process down making sure the process is done their way and their way only.

That aside, the feeling of driving it home from the panel beaters was comparable to the feeling I got the day I picked her up from the car dealership and the immovable grin was once again plastered across my face. All that remains to be done now is for my stereo to be fitted this weekend and it'll be happy days.

One more thing before we get on with the update - to the lady [if on the off chance you may be reading this] who's tooth I chipped/knocked out during my drunken dancing demostration last Saturday nite in a somewhat packed Perth bar I sincerely apologise but I swear it was accidental!

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

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Pilots Exam - World Cup Rugby - Super Mario What? - Badgers - I Am The Monkey - Cum Kleen

Bomb Bandits - HSV Clubby R8 - Impress Your Date - Zurich's True Beauty - Cool Kids Toys

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modelling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

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A man named Leroy is drinking in a bar and President Clinton is giving an address on the radio in the background. Leroy looks at the bartender and says, "Yeah, me and Bill go a long way back, used to hang out together and do alot of fun things before he became President..." The bartender looks at him and tells him he doesn't believe him. Leroy asks for the phone, dials the White House and asks for "Bill"; he talks for awhile joking and laughing and presently hands the phone to the bartender who is flabbergasted to be talking to the President of the United States.

A couple of weeks later, Leroy comes back into the bar. They are watching a golf tournament and Jack Nichlas comes on the screen for a putt. Leroy is like: "Yeah, ole Jack and I go way back..." At this the bartender figures Leroy is full of it so he bets him 20 dollars that Leroy is trying to put one over on him. Leroy grabs the phone and dials and presently is talking animatedly with someone who seems to be named Jack. Bartender steals a glance at the TV screen and sure enough, Jack is talking on a cellular phone; Leroy hands over the phone and the bartender just shakes his head as he discovers that sure enough, it IS Jack on the phone and hands over his 20 dollars.

About a week later Leroy comes in once again and this time the Pope is on the television giving a televised benediction. Leroy is like...Yeah, the Pope and I go way back, to before he became Pope and now the bartender is sure that he has him. After the bet the men purchase airfair and fly to Rome for the moment of truth because the bartender is thinking the phone won't be good enough for this one. They are standing in the crowd at the Vatican watching the Pope and as the Pope finishes the Mass, Leroy works his way through the crowd, up the steps, and thebartender is amazed to see him shake hands and the conversation appears to be that which would be expected between long acquaintances.

Presently, Leroy and the Pope come out into the crowd to meet the bartender and Leroy sees the bartender sprawled flat on his back, passed out cold, and looking pale. He splashes water over his face and shakes him until the bartender finally starts to come out of it. "What happened" asked Leroy.

The bartender replied: "While you were talking to his holiness, this little old lady tapped me on the shoulder and demanded to know who it was that was up on the dais with Leroy?"

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Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair cut prior to a vacation in Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? Italy's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "Were taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late."

"So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced."

"So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman ran into the hairdresser on the street. The hairdresser asked her about her vacation in Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "we not only flew on one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me! The hotel was marvelous, they'd just finished a $5-million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." ""Oh, really... what'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hair cut?"

A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed to his request.

Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way". After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said.

"I can't thank you Enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood. The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen. They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to 6 magnificent white horses. They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons, all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire and the smell was excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George Bush, always trying to be "presidential," replies: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... If you had not mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses."


Everyone know's good old Arnie from the tonne of action movies he's done but what was not known to most of us was the drug [ab]using past of the muscley Austrian. Check it out...

- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Pot Smoking -

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There's a Russian general, his aide, a pope and his wife and daughter riding the train all in the same sleeping compartment. Suddenly the aide gets up and says: "Sir, going to take a leak, sir!" and walks out. The pope is outraged.

"General" he says "how can you, being a man who fights for his beloved country, who has been distinguished with so many medals, how can you allow your aide to behave like this? Who do you think I am? I am the servant of God, I lost all my hair in His service. Who do you think my wife is? She married me young, never had any other man in her life. Who do you think my daughter is? She's a young, innocent, sweet child. How can you allow your aide to behave like this in our presence?"

The general tries to explain, gets all apologetic. The aide returns, and the general starts scolding him. "What do you think you're doing, you moron? I am the servant of this fucking country, I have been distinguished with many fucking medals, and you go 'take a leak'"? Who do you think this bald guy over there is? An old stupid fart? No, he's a servant of God, who ripped all his hair out, and you go 'take a leak'"? And who do you think this fat whale is, an old whore? No, she's his wife, nobody else wanted to fuck her, and you go 'take a leak'"? And who do you this skinny ass over there is, a young slut? No, she's his daughter, who was never fucked before and never tasted a cum in her mouth, and you go "take a leak"? Get the fuck outta here and don't you dare go take a fucking leak until we get to Moscow!"

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Four men were bragging how smart their cats were. The first man was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third a chemist and the fourth was a public servant. To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everybody agreed that T-Square was pretty smart.

The accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen Tim Tams, he divided them into four equal piles of three each. Everybody agreed that Spreadsheet was also pretty smart.

The chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got a 250 ml glass from the cupboard and measured our 200mls without spilling a drop. Everybody agreed that Measure was also pretty smart.

Then the three men turned to the public servant and said, "What can your cat do"? The public servant called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the Tim Tams, drank the milk, pissed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a provisional improvement notice for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for workers compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."

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Murphy lost his hat and decided that he would go to Church on Sunday and steal one. He knew Casey always wore a similar hat to his own and he would sit behind him during the Mass and sneak it away at the most opportune time. Well, the priest was giving the sermon about the ten commandments and Murphy got so engrossed in it that he forgot about stealing the hat.

After Mass he went to the priest and said, "Father, I want to tell you something. I came here today with all intentions of stealing a hat, but after listening to your fine sermon, you made me change my mind." The priest was overjoyed and asked, "What was it I said that made you change your mind? I bet it was the commandment where it says thou shalt not steal."

"No," replied Murphy. "It was that commandment where it says thou shalt not commit adultery. That's when I remembered where I left my hat!"

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Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing. "I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be reincarnated into any other living thing of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a living thing with wings and sucks blood, heh, heh, heh." "So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a vampire bat. So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when a farmer killed him. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish (and a little batty).

"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again. BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?" Still adamant, Dracula said, "I still want to be a living thing with wings and sucks blood!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a mosquito.

So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until one day, splat, he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid (and rather bugged). "I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. but this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a non-living thing of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.

Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy... then turn me into a non-living thing with wings and sucks blood!! heh... heh.." "No problem," said God and He turned Dracula into a tampon.

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A beautiful, well endowed young lady walks into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks around the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one!" The man packaged the frog and smiles, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy night dress. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the bed.

She quickly hops in bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store - we answer calls 24/7/365."

The lady calls the pet shop, delighted that some business still take customer satisfaction seriously. The man says, "I had some complaints about those frogs, earlier today. I'll be right over." Within thirty minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See??... I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and angrily says: "Listen to me!" "I'm only going to show you how to do this, just one more time!!"

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Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"


1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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Little Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package of Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognises the possibilities and approaches his daddy: "Dad, I just found these, and I'm willing to sell them to you for 100 Dollars straight." "Son, well, while this is a very good offer, I'm in perfect physical health and not currently needing those. Tell you what, go ask Grandpa."

So Timmy walks over and asks his grandfather: "Gramps, I will sell you this package of Viagra for 100 Dollars." "Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work?", asked his grandfather. "Gee, I don't know. But they do look like the ones that were shown on TV!" "Tell you what, Timmy, I'll try them tonight and if they work OK, I'll give you the money tomorrow."

The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather again, and Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation. Timmy is perplexed: "But Gramps, I thought we agreed on 100 Dollars!" "That's OK, Timmy, keep it, the rest is from Grandma!"

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A small, white duck goes into a bar, jumps on the barstool, orders a shot of booze and says to the bartender "listen, I'm a bricklayer on the construction site nearby. The works will last for some time and I'll be coming here every day around lunchtime for a shot of booze, so think about some discount or something". The duck drinks the shot, jumps off the stool and goes out.

The bartender is shocked, he's never seen a talking duck before, so he calls his friend who owns a circus: "listen, there's a talking duck coming to my bar, come tomorrow around lunchtime and see for yourself'. So the next day the circus owner waits in the bar and the duck goes in, jumps on the barstool and orders a shot of booze. The circus manager overcomes his awe and says: "Hello sir, I'm a circus owner and I wan't to offer you a job. I can give you whatever money you want, plus a company car, a cell phone, best hotels, best women, whatever you want". The duck considers his offer for a moment and says "so you're a circus owner, right?"

"Right" "And your circus is one of those big tents, right?" "Right." "With a sandy arena in the middle?" "Yes" "And with rows of seats around?" "Correct" "So what the fuck you need a bricklayer for???"

Absolutely phenomenal amount of email flooding in from you guys lately, especially now that all the college crew have come back from the summer break. If you wanna drop me a line you can do so here but please note that with the volume I receive it's not always possible to reply.

Iain Price wrote:
Subject: Ferrari + willunga hill + can't drive = ...........

Hey Orsm, Thought youd like this. Some freak in a brand new ferrari had a slight bingle up the road from where i live. How to bugger up a ferrari in a few easy steps. Start by being complete peckerhead who can't drive, go 200+ down Willunga hill in South Australia, wander across 3 lanes, swerve to miss oncoming traffic, lose control, slide, charge up and over an embankment, flip x 3, land on roof and slide to a stop. For added Zing, make sure Ferrari is 3days old and $400K worth and your insurance wont pay out because you were drunk! Priceless!.

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Re: Gray Davis economics
Mr Orsm, It's all true. We want the rat bastard outa here. Since recalls became state law around 1910 there have been about 20 recalls attempted. All failed to get enough signatures in time. This recall got about 3X's more than the minimum needed a month before they were due.

It started when he was re-elected (!?) yup. And the next week he revealed that the budget deficit wasn't a couple billion but 20 or 25 billion. Quickly it was realized that it's actually closer to 35 billion. Whoopsie.

There are 135 people currently on the ballot for governor. Actually 134 because a guy was arrest on suspicion of murder. This is quite the circus in California.

Drummer wrote:
Subject: Gravitational pull of a new car
Firstly, great job managing your website for as long as you have, it's probably the most thorough website I have had the pleasure of bookmarking. Secondly, I hate AOL as much as the next non-American, but it's a free trial so what can you do?

After considering the issue and reading your latest update, I've come to the conclusion that there must be some sort of increased gravitational pull to the standard new production car. This increased gravitational pull attracts all sorts of idiots with at least 2 cylinders and at least one half of a brain cell to hit the vehicle, doing notable damage to it and almost nothing to their junkers. Also noteworthy is the percentage of said idiotic wankers who happen to lack insurance. If that doesn't piss off every red-blooded human being who has the ability to drive, then just call me George W. Bush and be done with it.

richard taylor wrote:
Dear orsm, after being addicted to your site for the last year. i thought i might try my luck and send some photo,s in. the 1st backyard lightning, was taken from my backyard about 1;30am. the photo took about 20mins to do but,i think end result made it worth it. i was up till about 2;00am. the storm lasted all weekend. it was all done in camera with no digital enhancement.the 2nd power loading, was a few years ago i followed the storm from the the old abatoirs in south freo all the way down to penguin island. all up about 6 hours,a lot of film but my best night yet.the 3rd helitanker, was from a fire in parmelia this year,the heli tankers were called in to fight the fire,and the closest water to fill up from was the man made lake in the new bertram estate. i had 2 of the photo,s printed in the local paper.

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Mark B. wrote:
Subject: cool video for your site

Hey my friends and I started a website www.bleacheatingfreaks.com. We do crazy things and then put it on the site. Here is a video of us jumping a van. Though you would like to use it on your site. I have the same video saved as two wmv files. One is 1mb and the other is 3mb. If you want the smaller vid let me know and I will send it to you. The only difference with the videos is file size.
click to download

JC wrote:
Subject: The power of a torpedo
Hey bro...not sure if you've been sent this before.... It's the test firing of a Mark 48 torpedo in Australian waters in 1999. The torpedo was fired at the 2700-ton Destroyer Escort from over the horizon. The plume of water and fragments shot some 150 meters skyward as the blast of the torpedo cut the ship in two. The torpedo warhead contains explosive power equivalent to approximately 1200 pounds of TNT. This explosive power is maximized when the warhead detonates below the keel of the target ship, as opposed to striking it directly. When the detonation occurs below the waterline, the resulting pressure wave of the explosion "lifts" the ship and can break its keel in the process, breaking the ship in two. Cheers!

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Pam wrote:
Subject: titties and twat
heres a couple I'd like to see on orsm............. but please do not publish my e-mail address
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Trev. wrote:
Subject: Funny Office Joke (Read the story first, then see the pic )
Please read story before opening attachment! Look at photo carefully after you read the story. Yesterday I was with one of my interns in the lobby when a receptionist complained that her printer wasn't working. The intern horsed around with it and discovered a pen stuck inside the printer. He started to jam his fingers down into the printer to get the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. This is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hacked
Hey ORMS. These pics go back a few years now. The guys computer and cam were actually hacked. The pics tell the story...

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Ernie wrote:
Subject: "Columbia" tragedy pics....
Actually, the odds of them being faked at close to 100%... Here's why. About an hour before the shuttle broke up, she was flying ass first and upside-down. When she started to break up what when she was completing the turnover maneuver, which involves the shuttle turn the nose "upstream" down toward the earth, and then rotating a full 180 degrees that way to become upright once again. Columbia never completed that maneuver. While the pics are cool, they most definitely are NOT of Columbia..

J.Pittman wrote:
Subject: Columbia pictures
You have probably already gotten several emails about the pictures of the shuttle explosion on your site, but just in case you haven't, here is the truth. The pictures are actually screen captures from the movie Armegeddon. The full story is on www.snopes.com at this link... http://www.snopes.com/photos/shuttle2.asp. Keep up the great work, J.Pittman

Phill wrote:
Subject: Shuttle Pics
The so-called Spy Satellite pics are DVD captures from the (bad) movie "Armageddon". I have file called "Shuttle_Departure.PPS" which is purported to document Columbia's last "piggyback" atop NASAs 747. Sadly, it's 2.2 mB, so I can't email it. Here's a link to someone else who hosts it. Love the site!

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, for the last time I said... BRING POSSE!"

This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People'. The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class'. And your baby brother... we'll call him 'The Future'.

Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit!"

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A narcotics traffic stop on the Downtown Connector turned deadly Saturday afternoon when a man climbed over the interstate railing, fell about 35 feet and was decapitated on a wrought-iron fence, Atlanta police said.

Officers in a marked car stopped the man about 4:30 p.m., as he drove south on the interstate above Auburn Avenue. The man, who has not been identified, stopped his vehicle and tried to flee by climbing over the railing, Lt. Danny Agan said.

Police still are investigating whether the man jumped or fell off the raised interstate. "This is a new one for me in 29 years," Agan said. The decapitation shocked people who work in the neighborhood. Gary White, an income tax preparer, came out of his office when he heard the commotion. "It's surreal," White said.

Agan said narcotics officers had been trailing the man for much of the day. Agan did not know if the officers who tried to arrest the man would be placed on administrative leave. "This is not something normally covered under the [standard operating procedure] of the department," he said.

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A little boy who said his prayers every night would say, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless the cat, and God bless the dog." Well, one day the little boy was playing with the dog, and the dog bit him. That night when he said his prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless the cat, and I don't care what happens to the dog."

The next morning when they woke up, they found the dog dead. A few days later, the little boy was playing with the cat, and the cat scratched him. That night when he said his prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and I don't care what happens to the cat."

The next morning when they woke up, they found the cat dead. A few days later, the little boy got in trouble with his Daddy. That night when he said his prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, and I don't care what happens to Daddy."

Well, Daddy had heard the little boy's prayers every night and remembered what had happened to the dog and the cat. So, that night, Daddy stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, determined that he would fend off anything that tried to kill him. Finally, he gave up and went to bed. He awoke the next morning, feeling grateful that nothing happened to him and went to retrieve the morning paper and the fresh milk bottle. When he opened the front door; however, he found the milk man dead.

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Vince, Glen, and Shawn. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3' 4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Vince, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Vince was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Glen, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Glen, like Vince, was whisked off.

Neil, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Shawn jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned..."

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A plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place.

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the blonde stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."


The owner of the local corner market noticed Little Johnny start hanging out his store. The owner didn't know what Little Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Little Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

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A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen.

So he asked, "God, are you listening?" And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here." The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."

So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "My son, my son... a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little." The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?" And God replied, "In a second."


Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia

Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia

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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

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Crappy Photoshopping? Strange coincidence? Or real ghosts? You be the judge!

Creepy - Creepy - Creepy - Creepy - Creepy - Creepy - Creepy - Creepy

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.


Another stinkin' batch of homemade Random Shite on the menu again this week guys. Enjoy...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist.

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A Russian guy gets in a train in France and tries to find himself a seat. Every compartment is full, so he walks this way and that and finally sees a lady with a little dog occupying two seats. "Madame, could you please take your dog on your lap, I'd like to sit down" he says. "You Russians are so rude! Can't you see my Fifi is tired?! Go find yourself another seat!" says the outraged lady.

So the Russian walks the train some more, but finally he returns to the compartment angry and says "Lady, there are no free seats on this train, I'd really appreciate if you could take this dog on your lap". "You Russians are such boors! Look, you woke my Fifi up! How rude of you!" The Russian can't stand it anymore, so he grabs the dog and throws it out of the train's window.

Suddenly a man sitting in the same compartment, a perfect English gentleman, says: "You Russians do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the street, you hold fork and knife in wrong hands, and now you threw the wrong bitch out of that window."

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A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication her daughter. When returning to her car to find she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter, and didn't know what to do.

She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God for help.

An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But she was desperate, and thankful. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH... You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud... "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"

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Vee Dub - Vee Dub - Vee Dub - Vee Dub - Vee Dub - Vee Dub

Well what can I say... after working vigorously for countless days and nites to crank out an update of this size I find the only thing I can do after such massive exertion is immerse myself in a bathtub filled with ice to bring my body temperature down. To make a full recovery I need some help so if you're a young, blonde, naked female with big tits please email me.

Anyways that about rounds everything up for this week. Don't forget to have a beer for me this Sunday! Until next week be good, stay off the chem's and remember: last minute birthday presents can be purchased for me here! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2003.09.03-22.03
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Welcome back to Orsm.net for another huge update, boys and girls! If it's your first time in this breast-plagued corner of the internet then it may be worth starting here somewhere to catch-up because this September see's the site celebrating another birthday! Thats right... you're three long years of humour, porn, and random shite behind the rest of us!

I can hardly believe it myself and I'll be fucked if I can remember where not only the last year has gone but the two before that as well. Time is flying - fresh in my mind as if I wrote it yesterday was the update I did for the site's second birthday.

There's probably no way I could forget it actually. Those were definitely some darker days... all sorts of legal threats being thrust my way from everyone's favourite credit card company which in turn resulted in my host kicking me off their network. Lots of fun that was! Nevertheless I managed to get past it [with plenty of help from you guy's] and thankfully the site is still here.

In retrospect they probably did me a favour. Orsmnet has never been busier serving up some 300k people a month more now than at the same time last year. Seeing a figure like that brings a smirk to my face everytime. I won't even go into how much bandwidth some of you bandwidth whores pull down suffice to say it's rude amounts.

The past 12 months have been relatively problem free with less than a dozen or so threats of legal action being directed at me [I must be slipping!]. Fingers crossed it keeps up for another year and I get to sit here next September commenting on how fast the last 12 months have passed.

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Anyways big Happy Birthday to the site... best wishes, many happy returns and all that other crap.

Segue to car update. I still haven't got my baby back from the panel beaters as yet but the assure me it'll be this Friday. Bout time too! Saturday marks one month without. Admittedly I don't drive it too much what with working from home and all but I just hate not having my favourite toy at my beck and call.

Am also looking forward to finally being able to go for a cruise this weekend too. It's been a slow winter in regards to that sort of thing and now that the weather has started to warm up it's time to fire up. Can't say the frequenting Perth's coastline destinations will be safe from our ever prying eye's either but don't dress up [or down for that matter] if you don't want to be oggled right...!?

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Now this is a site that'll spin you guys out - RevengeTV.com. What do you do when your ex-bitch has burnt you? You burn her back ofcourse! And what better way than to submit you favourite fuck pics and vids of her to Revenge TV!? This site truly kicks ass and is in a class all of it's own! Check it @ RevengeTV.com.

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Only other thing I wanted to crap on about this week is the retards out there who don't have a fuckin virus scanner installed on their computer. In the last two [thats right TWO] weeks I have been bombarded with somewhere in the vicinity of 8000 [that's right EIGHT FUCING THOUSAND] virus infected emails and it's FUCKING me off! [Please] click here for FREE anti-virus soloutions.

Have had quite a few emails from you guys asking to see the new Kylie Minogue ad so here it is... personally I can't see why it caused such a stir... Kylie Minogue: Love Kylie.

- Man goes to the doctor's with a lettuce leaf hanging out of his arse. The doctor says "Oh dear, now this looks like nasty." "Nasty?" says the man, "It's just the tip of the fukkin' iceberg!"
- Woman standing naked in front of mirror. She says to her husband, "I'm fat, wrinkled and ugly. Please pay me a compliment." Husband replies, "Your eyesight is spot on."
- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Playboy PlayMates - Fun With Flash - I Want One - Dick Arm - Rugby Team For Sale - Bull Guard - Last Night

Neil Armstrong: The Awful Truth - Frustrating Time Waster - The Senses Challenge - Clay Kitten Shooting

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Two guys from Fremantle die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them sun baking by the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Western Aaustralia, the Golden State, the land of sunshine. We love the heat." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still lazily kicking back, sucking away on a couple of stubbies of Emu Bitter. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from WA, the Golden State, the land of sunshine. We love the heat."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Fremantle and finds them kicking back in board shorts and thongs, drinking EB and cooking a barbie. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Freo lads reply, "Well, ya know, it kind of reminds us of home when the weather's THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat, so the devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Freo boys.

He gets there and finds them rugged up in their swannies, mittens and beanies. NOW they are stamping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Freo lads look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know?" "If hell freezes over, it must mean that the Dockers have won the AFL premiership."

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A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a striking but quite small and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed. She told him she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In race 2, she rode out rubbing both her breasts. The bloke looked through the race book and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5 to 1. It won by 2 lengths. "Shit, this is great he thought. In race 4, she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10 to 1 and was 5 grand in front.

In the last race she came out standing in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing. After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 & 4. "What about "Itchy Mickey" in the last at 66-1?" she asked. "Shit, he said, "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched".

This little boy was awakened in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents' bedroom, so he decided to investigate. He nudged the door slowly forward and as he entered his parents' bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad screwing for all they were worth.

"Dad! Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing?" "It's OK son", replied his father, "Your mother wants to have another baby, that's all." The little boy was immediately excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, so he went straight back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother on her knees sucking furiously on his father's penis. "Dad! Dad!", he shouted, "What are you doing now?" "Son, there's been a slight change in plans," his dad replied. "Now she wants a BMW."

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In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is.... whenever a fly goes down three inches... somewhere a pussy is probably in danger...

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So, they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"


The final and pretty spec-god-damn-tacular part of the Christina Applegate lesbian series this week. Look closely... it's just gotta be her!!

- The Christina Applegate Lesbian Tape: Part 2 -

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A guy walks into a pub and sees this gorgeous blonde chick sitting at a table all by herself. The guy fancies himself a chance, so he goes over to her and starts talking. After a few rounds each, the guy says "I just realised that we haven't given each other our names yet." The blonde replies "Well, my name is Carmen. I call myself Carmen because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" The guy replies "I call myself Beercunt."

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Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly

Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly


- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
- Don't imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
- If they put a man on the moon - why can't they put them all there?
- Tell him you are not his type - you have a pulse.
- Never let your mans mind wander - it is too little to be let out alone.
- Go for younger men - you might as well, they never mature anyway.
- Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the Do It Yourself types.
- The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.
- Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
- A mans idea of serious commitment is usually 'oh alright, I'll stay the night'.
- Sadly, all men are created equal.
- Remember that a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his. - The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of 'former boyfriend.'
- There are lots of words to describe men - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong but you can still use them.

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In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now... I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest." "That's great,"
replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!?" To which Bob replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife - he's in Chicago!"

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A man is sitting in his dentist's chair getting his teeth cleaned. Suddenly the dentist starts chuckling. He takes a pair of tweezers and plucks a pubic hair from between the man's front teeth and displays it to him. Embarrassed, the man says to the dentist, "What is so funny? Haven't you ever seen a pubic hair before?" The dentist replies, "I'm not laughing at the pubic hair. I'm laughing at the shit stain on your tie!"


Saddam Hussain found a bottle on a beach (while trying to escape through Syria) and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Saddam.

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Saddam thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Saddam woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His dick was gone, his knee was broken, and all of his furniture was missing.

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A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a problem with his trees. He called in an agronomist to evaluate the situation. "Your problem can easily be solved if you cover the base of each tree with cat manure!" devised the agronomist.

With some difficulty and great expense the owner was able to secure enough cat manure for his trees. The trees produced a bumper crop of pineapples, with just a minor problem, they tasted a bit strange. With some concern, the owner called his distributor on the mainland as asked, "Harry, do you think you can sell pineapples that taste a little like pussy?" "I'm not sure, Harry answered, but, if you can figure out a way to make pussy taste a little like pineapple, we'll make a fortune!"


Joe Skagen wrote:
Subject: Free Antivirus products
orsm, You mentioned you got over 500 infected emails the last 24 hours. Here are some totally free AV products. Since everybodies such a cheap fuck (including myself) I thought I'd let you know. And if you wanted you could link to them or something. Later.

AVG Anti-Virus Free Edition - AntiVir Personal Edition - Avast! 4 Home Edition

Chris wrote:
Subject: Rape?
This is about the pics of the American soldiers raping the iraqi woman. If the twit have any sence he would look for patches on the arms that identify the nationality of the men. There are none. Which leads me to one conclousion, There is no woman there. That is really 4 French Paparazzi cunt rags that have nothing better to do then stick there dicks up eachothers asses. And me thinks it was the one in the dress that sent you the pics, wanted to get pics of himself on the internet.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: RE: AFIQ MOHD and his stupid ass photo
I think you went too easy on that fucking dumb bastard. Afiq should beat the crap out of his father for fucking his goat mother. After that he should put a Desert Eagle .50 cal in his mouth and do us the favor by just pull the trigger.

Slpywzl wrote:
Subject: Those are not U.S. Troops
Mr Orsm, I have been in the U.S. military for over 17 years and can unequivoclately state that those are not U.S. military uniforms, at best they are cheap imitations. Also the overwhelming majority of the troops in Iraq are outfitted with the desert (tan) camoflauge uniforms. Plus we do not wear blue hats such as the one in the picture. Thanks, keep up the good work.

Titan wrote:
Subject: Your site says send something cool...
but i decided to to give you three somethings cool. COurtesy of the BAS girls on babesandstuff.com a patethic attempt at getting a plug ;) haha !!

Works for me! -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: postie burn out
Mr. orsm fantastic site man, got some photos you might get a laugh out of feel free to put them on you web site but please keep them anonymous have a great day and keep the good stuff coming. Ps these photos are not fakes and it is a real postie bike

Kick ass! Wish my Postie would do shit like that! -Orsm

Dean wrote:
Subject: Checkout Chicks
Dear Mr. Orsm, I hear that the dark forces of evil ( accountants ) are planning to abolish checkout chicks and replace them with self-sevice scanning machines. This would be a tragedy for guys everywhere. How else does a bloke old enough to be her dad get a chance to have a good long close up at a fuck-u-lisious teen honey with sprayed on black hipsters and a carelessly unbuttoned blouse ? I for one oppose such a move and demand that spunky checkout chicks be retained...of course, the fat ugly ones can piss off !

Sacrilege. What would the point of even doing groceries anymore? -Orsm

Bror S. Skardhamar wrote:
Subject: Pie and horse
Hello mr. orsm, I has a little tip for all the people out there, EAT MORE PIE! - It works if you has the flu, or somethin' - afterwards see horse, not "sea horse", but see horse. (hide my email, or I'll phack you :O)

No more drugs for that man. -Orsm

David wrote:
Subject: love the site man!
Yo mr. orsm i love your site its awesome! after years of enjjoying i wanted to give something back, so heres an email some biatch sent me! I withheld her email so that she wouldnt be botherd by sick folks like myself!

*********411@aol.com wrote:
Subject: Re: OMG!
hey OMG- six guys this summer 1st base------3 guys fingered and 1 hell of a PAR-TAY!!!! how bout u??? (ps ur one of the 6) dude i am very wasted off my asss right now but screw dat- ttul. ttul-miss u tons. *****baby

lise wrote:
Subject: info
This site was sent to my partner by a friend and while he enjoys looking at it ... I have to ask why dont they have things in here for the ladies ????????...... I enjoy the sites as well but not really the pictures as they only contain women!!!! ...... Is it possible to have men in it to...... this would be real good ,,,,,, anyhow keep up the good work with the site.....

Do that maths... 99% of the Orsmnet readership are male and probably don't want to look at pics of big sweaty cocks everytime they load the site! I do throw in the occasional one for the 1% though. Check the archives. -Orsm

f1end wrote:
Subject: Aria Giovanni pics you won't have seen b4...
…because I made them! You must have seen the poster for the Truman show... or the 1's of Darth Vader and Yoda... well I've done a few of Aria from the film u posted part of by Andrew Blake. I have done them all at 1280 x 960 cos that is what my desktop is. Enjoy.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

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Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia

Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia - Asia


Retardeder - Heaven 666 - The Romp - Retarded Fun - Frat Guy Antics - Domicile - Big Bad Bob - Jonson

Thorn and Myrddin were sitting in a bar, and Myrddin was complaining about his current live-in girlfriend. "I'm telling you, Thorn, I've about had it with her. She keeps bringing her work home night after night. I'm seriously considering just moving out and ending the relationship."

"Well," replied Thorn, "I can see how that could indeed be very annoying. But having a girl who's interested in her career is hardly a reason to break up." "It is if your girlfriend's a hooker." Myrddin maintained.

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A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said, "take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

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These were allegedly snapped by an Israeli spy satellite earlier this year as what would become the Shuttle Columbia tragedy began to unfold. Whilst I'm sure most people will agree the images are spectacular, the probability of them being anything but extremely good fakes is pretty close to 0.

This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "what man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home.

At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off."


A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," said the mother. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger five times saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"

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A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie.

This is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid, says the genie. You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this" says the man. "I'm not going to trust a car salesman!" "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

*POOF* The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

*POOF* The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful woman will want and need me." *POOF* He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story is if a car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there's going to be a string attached.


An absolute plethora of the best images the censors and government officals didn't want you to see! Random Shite was there...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A man walks into a construction site and applies for a job. The site foreman is impressed by his job references. He looks fit and has a good personality. He is on the verge of offering the man a job when he notices a break of six months in the employment record.

The foreman asks “what were you doing for six months?" The guy shuffles his feet a bit and replies “ There was an accident on site and I was injured with a disk cutter". "That's awful" says the foremen, “was it a bad injury"?

The bloke shuffles his feet even more and replies “it's not something I would want passed around the site, but the disk cutter caught me in the groin and they had to amputate both my testicles in hospital later".

“Well I can see why you wouldn't want that known", said the foreman, "but you look fit enough now and your references are excellent, so start tomorrow morning". "That's great" says the guy, "what time do you start on this site?". “Well" says the foreman "we start at 8.00am here, but as we normally stand around scratching our balls for the first couple of hours, you can start at ten".

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Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy

Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy

Guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says, "Look at this beauty; it's still in the CRATE!"

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to aproaching drivers... Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?" My car broke down," says the lady calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop. And she said... "Those are my emergency flashers!"

A farmer, concerned that his horse had not experienced a bowel movement for three days, consulted the veterinarian who gave him a very large suppository. The vet instructed the farmer to insert the suppository into the animal's rectum. The farmer returned home, went to the barn and systematically walked around the horse several times looking for the designated port of entry.

Finally, unable to locate its' rectum, The farmer exclaimed: "Listen up horse, if I don't find your rectum pretty soon, I am going to stick this thing up your ass!"

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A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it's our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?" The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right... but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."


Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

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A guy went to goes to his boss and asks for a day off… this is what he said...

So you want a day off eh...? Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 day available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. with a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work, and You're not bloody getting that off as well!!!

After scrolling all the way through this update I just realised it's a bloody monster. Definitely not a bad thing unless you are on dial-up in which case you probably waited a few minutes for this page to load and that's gotta suck... get broadband!

Anyways now that you've finished surfing through it all you'll probably be looking for something to do... some of you may even be looking for a way to say thanks for this back-breaking offering and what better time to do that than now - my birthday is coming up in a few weeks so incase you were wondering, presents can be purchased here!

On that note, I'm outta here. Until next week be good, stay off the chem's and remember: the only thing gayer than not having a virus scanner installed is male to male anal sex!. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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