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September 2004...
orsmupdate 2004.09.30-22.21
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Welcome to Orsmnet where viewer entertainment is paramount. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

Ah yes... my favourite time of the year - Spring! People are starting to walk around with that stupid look on their faces touting "I can't wait for summer... it's almost here!" and whilst this long, not quite over winter is still lingering you definitely get the feeling that the sun aint too far away. Bring it the fuck on I say!

Pretty soon people will begin to come out of hibernation, it'll be possible to stand outside and not freeze your balls off and the streets will be full of hot chicks just dying to show us what's been covered up all winter.

I must admit I've had an incredibly boring week. I've done very little except catch up with friends, watch some DVD's and work. The only thing worth mentioning is my impending school reunion. Late last week I got a couple of emails from people that I haven't spoken to since leaving school. Turns out that a ten year high school reunion is being organised. Ten years! It seems like forever and in my case its actually longer - I bailed out of there at the end of year eleven because with my grades there was no way in hell I was going to graduate.

Anyway, my first thought was fuck that, I'm not interested in some crappy reunion. The whole idea of spending an evening with people I don't have anything to do with or care much about just didn't sound all that appealing.

After a few emails back and forward I received a spreadsheet which listed every single person that was in my year. Pretty soon 'fuck that' turned into 'how can I possibly miss this?'. It's amazing how many people I'd forgotten over the years and if even a couple of them are there then I would kick myself for missing it.

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So at this point I have no idea what to expect. A couple of weeks back they had that horrible Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion movie on TV and due to the fact there was nothing else on, I watched it. It got me wondering how much bullshit goes into these things... wondering what has become of the cocky little trouble makers, the hot chicks, the too cool crew, the geeks, the try-hard's and all the rest of them.

I know there was a few that have landed in jail, a couple of professional sportsman, some drug addicts, one or two on TV, several no longer with us and even a couple of strippers but it's the ones I haven't heard about for the last ten years that I find most intriguing. Maybe one of them invented post-it notes...

Earlier this week one of my best mates was handed a once in a life time opportunity... he was going to be picked up from the airport by some sort of aeroplane and flown out to the USS John C Stennis aircraft carrier which was en route for Perth. As you would expect he leapt at the chance. So off he went, did the briefing and they took off and headed west for the carrier and a proper arrested landing. They spent the whole day being toured around the ship and standing on the flight deck watching take off's and landings all of which apparently paled in insignificance compared to the catapult take off on the way home. Trev you SUCK! Some cool pics here for anyone interested.

One last thing before I get on with the rest of the update... last weeks AFL Brownlow Medal awards have been the hot topic lately. Not because of who won so much as his date for the evening. West Coast Eagle and winner Chris Judd attended the night with one of the hottest chicks around - Rebecca Twigley. More of her and others here [requires PowerPoint].

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

If you feel like getting interactive, you can always chat with TangoTime's 2000+ gorgeous webcam models entirely for free. Their FREE live video teaser chat feature is hot! You're bound to find someone you like, as there are over 100 models live any time of the day, 24/7! Click here to check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean..

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Rules For Bedroom Golf - Best Pick Up Lines - Edinburgh Fringe - Human Descent - Taser Fun - Happy Pill

What The Fuck? - Senoritas - Online Overdose - Posting And You - NesBuckle - CollegeSlackers Contest Time!

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing

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This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her.

She's really pleased to have met this guy. At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

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Anuka - Anuka - Anuka - Anuka - Anuka - Anuka - Anuka - Anuka - Anuka

Anuka - Anuka - Anuka - Anuka - Anuka - Anuka - Anuka

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news." "Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn.

After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was. The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized Crays and a swag of edible Crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share."

With tha he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice Crays and four or five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again! You fancy comin' with us?"


The comes the time in every boy's life where he finally begins to become a man. Along that path are plenty of up's and down's, challenges and even realisations... such as 'two hot naked chicks carressing eachother = good shit'. Watch as this moment is caught on tape...

- Girl On Girl Is Good [Look At The Kid] -

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Four guys who worked together always played golf as a group at 7:00a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to make up the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to play golf. Can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it. She said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The following Sunday she showed up right on 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30, only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to play right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his penis is pointing to the right, I play right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I play left-handed." One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

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MyFreePaySite.com is the latest thing to sweep the net. Here's how it works: you go the site and you download to your hearts content! It's that simple. They've got ALL the latest celebrity sex vids, including the Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee sex tape, the Paris Hilton sex tape plus thousands of porn vids and squillions of pics and like I said it's ALL FOR FREE! All you gotta do is give them an email address to sign up - you can even use a hotmail address! Check it out now!

A relatively quiet week compared to the usual standards as far as mail was concerned. Good because sorting through several hundred emails takes a while but bad because I like hearing from you guy's. If you've got something to say or share or whatever then feel free to drop me a line here.

Purple Penguin wrote:
Subject: Sly Voting Tips
Hey Orsm, It's almost Election time again here in Oz. If you dunno which Wanker to vote for here's a few simple tips. I've been doing it for 20 years. Just go get your name marked off the roll (thats the compulsory bit out the way) , saunter over to the polling booth, put all the voting slips in your pocket , steal a pencil, then bugger off and have a beer. If all the ORSM readers do the same the polling booths will run out of pencils by about noon on the Saturday.

Zac wrote:
Subject: Democrats on Iraq
Thank you. I wish more people could think back past the days of bush and realize that he's just doing what clinton pussed out on :P. I hate kids my age, college sucks. I'm 20 and one of 2 people i know my age who doesn't bitch about bush, and see Kerry as a Flip Flop Politition. Damn Mike Moore and his movie. It didn't have any facts and he's fat.

Check this site out brain-terminal.com. Protesting the Protestors is fan-fucking-tastic. you should really post this video. That is the first video of the series. -ps do people in australia pay much attention to our election? I've got this weird feeling more of you care than we do.... This country is so weird.

The US electoral race is covered in the news almost everyday so yes we're well aware of it. As for Bush... well a lot of Aussies seem to think he's an idiot... of course they think our own leader is one too so you shouldn't feel too bad. Personally, I have absolutely no problem with Americans. I have quite a few online mates that are yanks but I really get the feeling that the US's already tarnished credibilty in the eyes of the world will take an even more severe beating if GWB is re-elected. [Just my 2 cents folks!]

JR wrote:
Subject: Faggoty FagFag
What the hell is up with the guy in the background of the Pam Anderson picture? Possibly the gayest man in the world?

Tofie wrote:
Subject: Random Shyt
Hey Orsm, I've been a fan and supporter for years, and you know it. Man, That RS of recent, is the worst shit you've ever come up with. Rather dont put on a RS show. ( dropping yer standards , mate? coz England beat ya in the Cricket) No, c'mon. You know you do better than that. (dont let me start on the Rugby............... cricket's enough at this stage) Look forward to the next one.( so do all my mates)

Scotty wrote:
Subject: nothing
ive really got nothing to say ...... so how does go and get fucked sound. I suppose you hear this from everyone who once and again gets a little too much piss in them and for about an hour of two each day of there life just wants to say nothing but........well done to you mate (if you understand you know what i mean) see ya buddy

kurt taylor wrote:
Subject: brit
thought you might like to see this picture of britney. from a new video fo hers called something which i cant remember.

The Pamela Anderson look without big hooters and sex appeal... -Orsm

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Francine wrote:
Subject: the ocean
I have no idea how this works, but if you stare long enough you should be able to see the ocean.

R I G H T . . . -Orsm

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travis wrote:
Subject: poof
Not David......DAVINA TONIGHT DARLING. This is my freinds room mate who like to dress up sober and he likes to play with carrots and stick them in naughty places.

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Doug wrote:
Subject: Look at picture first then read - Wacky Japanese!
Look at the pic first then what it means second, only in Japan! These are signs in japanese metro trains, "Priority seats for................" from left to right:

1. person with injured arm; 2. person holding a child; 3. pregnant woman; 4. person with injured leg

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Andy wrote:
Subject: Hi ORSM
Love your site.... i was shocked when i saw the video of this austrian freak Dj Rotterdam (Dj Friki) (nomoredrugs for that guy Video) When i watched TV today they even had him a commercial spot (for ring tones... very very sad). I found some other stuff at djrotterdam.info/videos.htm

Majd wrote:
Subject: bikini night
dear orsm: here is some pics of a bikini night in a local club in Iowa , where farm girl were get'n naked, the girlz were hot fresh & roasted

Seen worse... -Orsm

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Lai wrote:
Subject: water balloon in space
Scenario: Experimenters burst water balloons in the low-gravity environment produced aboard a NASA Glenn DC-9 aircraft.

The tests were conducted in part to develop the ability to rapidly deploy large liquid drops by rupturing an enclosing membrane. As can be seen from the experiment footage, the initial rupture process is nearly ideal, but the finite size of the balloon material eventually ejects a spray from the drop surface. Then, when the balloon material leaves the drop entirely, it causes a large deformation of the drop (blob) which oscillates throughout the remainder of the test. Calculations suggest that such oscillations will continue for hours before the drop eventually becomes spherical. Highspeed photographs of punctured Water Balloons in a Lab were also taken.

The airplane flies parabolic trajectories approximately 8000ft in height which provide up to 25 seconds of low-gravity time within which researchers can perform experiments to investigate low-gravity phenomena.

Chesterfield wrote:
Subject: DAM
Its Hot. We have a dam. we have a ramp. Its Coota

Fuck that looks like fun... -Orsm

click to view video

David B wrote:
Subject: Drone shootdown video
Found a video of a MiG-23 model drone being shot down. (possibly by a Stinger)

Ah boys and their toys... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: for your priceless collection, resending pictures bigger, sorry.
hi, been coming to your site now for 2 years and i finnally feel that i might have something worth putting on it. 3 girls we met on holiday in malia, greece, just as i was about to take their pictures, they saw me and all covered up, what a same. malia was definatley the place to this summer. it as a bloodly great shag fest. use what ever you want but do not put my my name or email add keep up the good work

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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

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Okay I'm joking on that... these babes are a couple of years older than my decency cut off point. Alternatively I'm sure there's a few of you out there who will manage to rub one out whilst viewing these pics...

Sexy Seniors - Sexy Seniors - Sexy Seniors - Sexy Seniors - Sexy Seniors - Sexy Seniors

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly coloured frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

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Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house. The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her. The fourth said "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

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A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. When she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?" The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long."


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A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa and took her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and, before long, discovered that he was lost.

As he was wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones, on the ground, close by and immediately settled down to chew on them, with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing that, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride and slunk away into the trees as the terror of his possible fate came over him. "Whew," said the leopard, "that was close. That dachshund nearly had me for dessert."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene, from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went, but the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard and figured that something was up.

The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now, the dachshund saw the leopard coming, with the monkey on his back, and thought, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to the attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them coming... and just when they got close enough to hear, the dachshund said... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

REMEMBER: if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull shit!


Hopefully I've got it right this week... let your mouse do the clicking and you be the judge...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

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Alright boys and girls that's all I'm good for this week... my Birthday week! If you feel like showing me your love and graciously thanking me for all the work I put into providing this website for free then don't let me stop you visiting my wishlist!

Anyway until next time be good, stay off the chem's and remember to do god's work. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm

orsmupdate 2004.09.23-22.35
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Dudes, ladies and all you other little bitches, welcome to Orsmnet. If it's you're first time to this website then congratulations as you've finally reached the pinnacle of adult entertainment on the internet today... how about that huh!? [Tell your friends!]

Bored, excited, uneventful, eventful, depressed, happy, frustrated, angry, annoyed... all words that can be used to describe myself and the goings-on of the last week.

Saturday night we hit the town to celebrate mine and a mate's birthday. There was about 15-20 of us and we did some drinking. It wasn't actually too bad a night until later on when it turned into sausage central. A rather large group of men on a bucks night invaded the bar and it wasn't too long before all you could see where guy's. Kind of makes it hard to check out the talent especially if you aren't gay. Stuff that - time for home.

Wake up the next day and am subsequently informed by a family member that "today is the day to sort out my computer". Seems this particular laptop had some sort of hardware failure and needs to go in for repairs... the catch here is that the hardware fuck up was causing it to freeze up and stop working every few minutes and that all the data had to be removed and put onto a temporary machine in the interim.

So I jump in my car and head over to pick the lappy up. I park in the drive way, I get out of my car and pretty quickly realise that I've left it in gear as my baby begins rolling [door open] back down the drive way with the added possibility of killing me thrown in for good measure. I dive back in the car and jam the shifter into 'park'... CLACK CLACK CLACK! goes the gearbox and the car begrudgingly comes to a sudden stop.

I get out to survey the damage. As it turned out, it wasn't death defying dive I took into the cabin of stopped its backward motion after all, rather the open door which was now wedged firmly against the brick wall. It was around this point I delved deep, deep, deeeeep into my swear-word vocabulary. Words such as fuck, cunt, fuck-whore and fucking-cunt-whore-fuck were used with gusto. Yes, I was annoyed.

After a couple of minutes and a deep breath I calmed down and managed to dispel some of the annoyance with the liberal use of a rubber mallet against my now deformed door. Thankfully I was able to bend the frame more or less back into shape so it once again closed but she'll still need to visit a panel beater for a touch-up.

I'm starting to have a run of bad luck with this car. In the last month or two I've had to deal with a radiator that was allegedly leaking which led to an overheat, a sticky accelerator that announced itself in the wet with the traction control off, scratching the shit out of my rear bumper, a rattling exhaust due to the scraping caused by a low ride height, blowing my subwoofers and now smashing the door. I'm starting to think it's time for a new car...

The next couple of days were filled mostly with anger and frustration as I tried to deal with the aforementioned laptop. Why cant things just work properly? Listen and I will tell you: it's because people don't give a fuck about doing things the right way anymore! Next time an old timer says "things were different in my day" I'll think that this is what they mean.

Tuesday, as many of you may know, was my birthday. Probably best described as a 'non-event'. I'm usually happy with a lack of fanfare except I was bored out of my brain the entire fucking day - no one around to harass or annoy. I actually spent the day working and that's something I haven't done since I left school and joined the workforce.

As for presents, well I didn't exactly clean up. I scored a couple of bottles of after shave and a couple of DVD's that I've been meaning to add to my collection. I fully admit that I am near impossible to buy for... if I need something then I go and buy it so really the only things I need [read: want] are too expensive for someone else to buy me. I kind of get the feeling that if I asked for a $2000 digital camera, a $5000 computer or a $50000 new car I would be laughed at...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

It's not often I allow my over inflated ego to take a beating, come down from my high horse and admit that sometimes, just sometimes I find a site that is very possibly better than mine. Today is one of those days. I give you Beer and Shots. Free porn, jokes and rants worth reading is what it's all about so do yourself a favour and go check out Beer and Shots!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean..

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Democrats On Iraq - A Day Off - Outsourced Tech Support - How to Date a White Woman - Angry Alien

Getting Good Video - Who You Gonna Call? - Funny Flash - A Vagina For Christmas - Trunk Monkey

Chris returns home from vacation with a severe case of sunburn, so he goes to see his doctor. After the examination the doctor prescribes chamomile lotion and Viagra. Looking a little confused Chris says, "I can understand you prescribing the chamomile lotion, but why the Viagra?" The doctor says, "The Viagra is to keep the sheets off you at night."
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet; goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replied, "Well, you know, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead." To this day, his grave marker stands next to that tee box as a warning to other potential wise asses...

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A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch porn and eat Cheetos!"


Idol rejects are at best laughable. It mystifies me still how people can so willingly go on camera to make complete fools of themselves and suffer the mockery of viewers in their home country and in some cases the rest of the world. Australian Idol hopefuls don't disappoint in that regard either so here are a couple of the best of the worst...

Australian Idol: The Best Rejects

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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

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MyFreePaySite.com is the latest thing to sweep the net. Here's how it works: you go the site and you download to your hearts content! It's that simple. They've got ALL the latest celebrity sex vids, including the Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee sex tape, the Paris Hilton sex tape plus thousands of porn vids and squillions of pics and like I said it's ALL FOR FREE! All you gotta do is give them an email address to sign up - you can even use a hotmail address! Check it out now!

Another fat mail bag this week. You guys, as always, had plenty to say about all sorts of things. Kudos to all of you. I only realised today that I munted last weeks Email Over flow link and it was pointing to a completely different page. Therefore you can find last weeks Overflow here and this weeks Overflow on this page. If you've got something to say, something to share or just feel like abusing me then you can contact me here.

Chris Mooney wrote:
Subject: Being less bored
Mr. Orsm, I write with regard to your "Being less bored" theory that you mention in your update of the 16th September. Whilst this is an interesting idea, it is in fact not new. In the classic novel Catch 22, Yossarian and Dunbar (Dunbar in particular), whilst fearing for their lives during the second world war, spend as much time as possible doing nothing. The theory being, much as you suggest, that when you are bored, time passes much more slowly, thus creating the illusion of being alive for longer.

Ken C wrote:
Subject: Bike Crash
I wrote to you about the pics of the crash and peoples lack of feeling towards it. After further checking, it turns out the Chechnian SCUMBAGS who took credit for the hostage taking & MURDER of over 300 people, mainly children, are calling themselves "The Sakhalin Rebels". Sakhalin Island just happens to be where the pictures were taken. That would explain a lot. A simple motorcycle crash is nothing. Enjoy your site! Though it's amazing what people want to see pics of!

Tomas Guerin wrote:
Subject: Meghann
You absolutely must encourage Meghann to send in more photo's of her antics. She is as-cute-as-a-bugs-ear and an Aussie lass to boot.

I think Meghann should get naked for the site... how bout it? -Orsm

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Leonardo wrote:
Subject: Hello Orsm.
First off,congrats on the very good website, it has distracted me from papers due the next day many a time. If you could do me a favor please post my email address on your website, I would really appreciate it. Basically so that harvesters will pick up my email, and then send loads of SPAM to the account. Why? Well one I just think the idea is very sweet, Two, because Gmail is still in beta and in Betas you need to push it to its limit. Three, there is almost no other way I will be able to get that account spammed unless I get slash dotted; by no other way I mean getting it posted on other people's web pages who receive a large amount of hits. I would greatly appreciate this. Thank you. Spam.This.email.Now@gmail.com

Brian wrote:
Subject: re: Child Rapist Shot video
Child Rapist Shot, this is definatly a great moment in American Justice. It was in the 80's and the rapist (a convicted pedophile btw) was the boy's team coach. The rapist and his lawyer were screwing with the system...etc So the father took matters into his own hands. Of course he was arrested for the murder BUT the jury refused to convict him and he walked. Too cool!!! I [also] started laughing hysterically when I saw the video for the Amateur Allure Girls. But for a very good reason. See the American Beef Council usies the same rousing classical music in their tv ads and in it is their slogan: "Beef. It's what's for dinner" That's priceless! Brian

Nick wrote:
Subject: merc_orsumplate.jpg
hey Orsm. Just so you know the person who sent you the following pic does not know cars. it's not a BMW is a merc. you can clearly see the three sided star above the number plate.

I was kind of suprised no one really noticed this. -Orsm

No Buddy wrote:
Subject: woodwork
Hi, The woodwork of books and clothing Dave is asking about is made by an italian. You can visit is web page at www.liviodemarchi.com. The Ferrari F 50 in is large works is my favorite.

FINGER wrote:
Subject: Pic for the site
I'm staying in a hostel in Poland right now and this chick from AMERICA (of course), picked up this dude from Australia in Berlin like a week before hand, and his been boning him across europe since, anyway she was clearing out her pics and left this pussy shot on the computer in the recycle bin without deleting it, (hold laughter).

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George wrote:
Subject: nice photo
Hello from Scotland, thought u might like this photo. Cheers.

That's one hell of a hungry bum. -Orsm

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student wrote:
Subject: shenanigans
These two are totally eligable for random shite. Love to see them there, or somewhere else. No details please.

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WanTeD wrote:
Is it that hard for women to park their cars correctly inside the marked spot?? Stupid bitch..

Surely no one can be that bad...? -Orsm

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Luke Dunn wrote:
Subject: my stack
Hey man some friends of mine showed me your site and i reckon it rocks. So i was wondering if you could put my vid of me stacking it on your site. Cheers

How were the nuts after that? -Orsm

click to view video
DtM wrote:
Subject: Please stop.
The attached is footage of a new style barrier being tested (the truck is remote controled)...
Truck = 65,000 lbs.
Speed = 50 mph
Kinetic Energy = 5.5 MILLION ft. lbs.
Stopped in 24 INCHES!
click to view video

David Parker wrote:
Subject: Bell 407 doing a loop and snap roll
Thought you may like this, its a clip from an airshow in South Africa, supposedly not possible and certainly against the manufacturers rules. Bell Canada grounded the aircraft to check stress on the airframe but apart from scrambled gyros found nothing wrong. Personally I wouldnt want to be in it! And I can fly them.....

click to view video

Dude wrote:
Subject: Must visit Norway before I die
Hi. Heres the video to go along with the pics you posted a month or 2 back from the rock festival thing where the couple fucked on stage on front of the audience.

Feel the passion... -Orsm

click to view video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: This is the only way to advertise!
Please, dont post my infos.... just add this "Real way to advertise the best drink ever". Thanks man, love your site... best there is.. I think mine are better thanks alot

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: sec: unclassified: RIMPAC 04 Pt3
Although not technically aerial warfare, the Harpoon we launched at an ex-US DDG over the horizon had to travel through the air to get to its kill point. The ships Captain allowed the crew to watch the firing from the flight deck meaning we were about 15m away when the missile was launched. I think the best description is: COOL! (although I don't even want to think about the arming and fuzing sequences when that close to what was a warshot)

When the USN decide to do things they certainly don't penny pinch. One evolution involved a number of AEGIS destroyers and cruisers firing SM2 Surface to Air missiles at a small, low and high speed target - in this case a sea skimming missile running left to right in these pictures at about Mach 2.

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If by this stage of the update you're getting bored and need to stretch your legs then how about checking out these guy's for something different...

Orsm Games - Hot Chix - Little Midgets - Mental Shed - Speeds Cartoons - Porn Slanger - No Face

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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. "Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

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There were 3 sisters - Maud, Doris and Fanny who went clubbing every weekend in search of a man. They'd been going to the same club for 6 years, and hadn't had any luck at all! Maud and Doris were having a chat one night, and decided that their lack of pulling power was down to their sister Fanny, who had absolutely enormous feet.

So one night they went off down the local club without Fanny. Surely enough after a few minutes Maud and Doris had pulled the most gorgeous blokes in the club! They invited the lucky lads back to their house for coffee. On the way back one lad said to Maud, "You don't mind me saying, but you two sisters have awfully large feet!" "Large feet!?" said Doris, "If you think we've got large feet, wait 'til you see our Fanny's!"


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question? "What do women really want?" Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day or beautiful by night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is... If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly!

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A policeman is in a morgue finishing off some paperwork, when he sees a naked body lying face down on a table. Upon further inspection, he notices a cork stuck in the body's anus. Curiosity gets the better of him and he gently removes the cork.

All of a sudden the policeman hears "We're the Eagles, West Coast Eagles, and we're here to tell you why," so he quickly replaces the cork and rushes to find the morgue attendant.

When he finds him, he takes the attendant to the body and instructs him to remove the cork. The attendant, looking a little puzzled, removes the cork and suddenly "We're the Eagles, West Coast Eagles, and we're here to tell you why," can be heard once more.

The policeman asks the attendant if he has ever experienced anything like that before. The attendant looks at the policeman in surprise and says to him "Of course I have! Thousands of arseholes sing that song!"


Now for probably the most popular part of an update - Random Shite. It was tough whittling it down to just 25 pics this week but I did manage to do it so click the damn links and see what you think...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)... applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

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A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the bus. It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.

The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the ticket - but now ye've gone an' drowned me boy Angus!"

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Alright boys and girls that's all I'm good for this week... my Birthday week! If you feel like showing me your love and graciously thanking me for all the work I put into providing this website for free then don't let me stop you visiting my wishlist!

Anyway until next time be good, stay off the chem's and remember to do god's work. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm

orsmupdate 2004.
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Well well well... another week and another update. They come and go so quickly don't they? If you're a newcomer to this, my very own corner of the internet then what you've stumbled across is my reason for being. Please be gentle.

So here we are... another September and another impending birthday. I really should stop announcing my age but for anyone who'd like to know, I'm staring down the barrel of twenty-seven. Twenty-seven long years since I came into this world crying and screaming and its once again time for me to sit back and give myself the annual review which has become something of a tradition. To start the process I flicked back to the update I did around this time last year and came across this little gem:

"... you can bet your money that I'll be sitting here in a year or so rapidly approaching my 27th birthday thinking back at how stupid, immature, naive and ridiculous I sounded writing this update."

I guess this isn't really the case this year although maybe I'm blinded by the speed at which everything has gone by. Seriously everything in the last 12 months is just a blur. I've got a shit load done and I've got nothing done.

I've actually come up with a theory which more or less contradicts what I've just said but it goes something along the lines of being at an age where my brain has fully developed to a stage where I have far better memory retention than at any point throughout my life. Basically the ability of being able to retain more precisely the memories of times and events gone by thus creating the feeling they didn't happen all that long ago. Make sense?

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To add to this theory I will factor in the being less bored factor. It's rare that I've got absolutely nothing to do and as well all know, time drags along slowly when you're bored. Stay busy and time hoons along... the next thing you know you're twenty-seven years old. Perhaps the way to live a longer life is to do nothing all the time?

The last part is that I am possibly full of shit and have conjured a theory based on nothing more than my imagination and obtuse thought patterns however I shall let you, the belligerent surfer decide for yourselves...

So anyway this Saturday will be the time that my friends and I join together and converge upon our favourite bar for a long night of drunken antics. I'm quite looking forward to it... I'm glad to be able to say that I'm blessed with great friends and we always have an awesome time. If it ends up like previous years then I'll be pouring myself into bed sometime around 3am whilst wondering if I'm going to wake up the next morning or gently drift away for all eternity from the resultant alcohol poisoning. If there's no update next week then this is why.

Just a quick note here to anyone I know in real life that didn't get an email from me in the last few days... you're welcome to join us this weekend. You should know the venue but if not then email or call me. I know that the rest of you guy's will have your brains working overtime trying to work out what to get me for a present but allow me to make things easier by pointing you here!

Quite a few of you guy's have emailed me with all sorts of advice about guns and shooting so it's probably worth another update on the subject. We've completed and passed the four training lessons with flying colours and to date have shot two .22 pistols, two .357 revolvers, a .40 cal pistol and a 9mm pistol. I'm yet to decide on a favourite but by far the one I've been most accurate with is the Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum. Sounds kind of sexy but I'm generally more of a pistol kind of guy.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

It's not often I allow my over inflated ego to take a beating, come down from my high horse and admit that sometimes, just sometimes I find a site that is very possibly better than mine. Today is one of those days. I give you Beer & Shots. Free porn, jokes and rants worth reading is what it's all about so do yourself a favour and go check out Beer & Shots!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean..

Click for more awesomeness

The Mini XXL - Japanese Airport - The Pentagon Crash - Hair For John Howard - YCDTOTV - Competition

Dot Move - Hit The Mouse - Learn Ebonics - I Hump Things - Mini Memory - Shoot Em Up

Jessica Alba... not the first person I think of when someone asks me who my favourite celeb is but you've got to admit she looks quite stunning in these pics...

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One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven", said St Peter." Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you".

"No problem, just let me in" said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an Eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the HR Director.

"Sorry, we have rules" And with that St. Peter put the HR executive in a lift and down it went to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all friends and fellow executives she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy. She had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the lift. The elevator opened at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity" he said. The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went back to Hell.

When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the rubbish and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the HR Director, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate steak and lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and rubbish and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About a! n hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back.

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, looking quite uncomfortable. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, clears his throat and says, "Your house."


In last weeks Reader Mail I posted a vid sent to me by the guy that also features in this weeks. Name? Robert James Hoffman III. Okay, you've probably never heard of him but I'm pretty sure this vid will give you a laugh as it did me. It reminded me of one of my favourite films, Zoolander, and left me wondering if there really are people like this out there...

- Dancer Face -

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed that she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous.

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MyFreePaySite.com is the latest thing to sweep the net. Here's how it works: you go the site and you download to your hearts content! It's that simple. They've got ALL the latest celebrity sex vids, thousands of porn vids and squillions of pics and like I said it's ALL FOR FREE! All you gotta do is give them an email address to sign up - you can even use a hotmail address! Check it out now!

As usual I've been utterly swamped with email from all corners of the globe and once again I've pushed all the stuff that was too big off to the Email Overflow. Make sure you check em out too... there's some interesting stuff there. Anyway if you've got something to say or send my way then you may do so here.

Gene Foulk wrote:
Subject: terrorists
Hey man, I agree terrorists taking innocent children hostages is about as low as humanity can go. Don't let them drag you into the abyss along with them. If we were to take the terrorist's family, who are innocent of the crime, and torture them, we'd be no better. The fact is, intentionally or not, the world governments have killed many innocent children, and the terrorists are probably using your exact argument to justify their actions. It doesn't excuse them, and wouldn't excuse you. Harming innocents is not a befitting punsihment for any crime.

Johnny Rockstar wrote:
Subject: A Plea for Help
Dear friends, First off, let me say I've been a fan of the orsm for quite some time, and for the year and a half that i've been keeping up with the updates, i have rarely been dissapointed. Good run, Mr. Orsm. enough kiss-assing. I really wanted to write to try to reach out to the rest of the world. Should hundreds of American flee to other contries once Bush gets his four more years, please don't turn them away. Freedom can be given taken away very quickly. Those who cherish theirs may eventually come to the conclusion that America is falling. Bush is making some bold moves, and we must all be cautious that in his quest for freedom, he doesn't get carried away and take all of ours as well. Why do I feel afraid? Have the terrorists already won? If you're American and reading this, you know what I'm talking about, that sinking feeling in your stomache every time you watch Fox news for too long. That's my rant. Attached is a bribe. Maybe it will provide some added incentcive to have this message posted. My friends won't mind, because it's for a good cause.

domi wrote:
Subject: Public Fucking
Dear Mr. Orsm, I just wanted to say that your video "Those Bloody French: Public Fucking" ain't from France but from Germany. You can easily understand the German words "Achtung", "Siebzig" and "Ein Euro Neunzig". That's all, and thank you for your site. It helps me surviving my everyday life.

Heath wrote:
Subject: Robert James Hoffman III video feedback
There is something seriously wrong with this dude....i mean coming out of the closet about you fetishes is one thing but my god this just blows my mind that he would actually video it and allow it to be posted to such a popular site. Why would anyone anywhere admit to being an Apple mac user....... he just aint right!

Dave wrote:
Subject: Crafty
Hey Mr. Orsm, love your site, have been visiting for about a year now, I was curious about the fellow that did all of the woodwork of books and clothing in this present update, if you could email me info about him and where his studio is it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks much and by the way, I would be willing to pay to be able to visit your site, best site I have seen by far, keep up the good work.

These are the pics Dave is referring to... anyone know? -Orsm

Adam wrote:
Subject: Man Boobs
Man, that was hilarious. I'm originally from Edmonton, where that radio station is located. The DJ who got the face full of man boobs was a few years ahead of me in high school, and actually came back to coach my basketball team. I think everything worked out okay for him, ‘cause he now hosts the morning show on that same station.

plurge wrote:
Subject: Ouch!! bad case of blue balls
Orsm, A friend of my girlfriend sent us this pic today of her boyfriends balls. Apparently, they had been going at it for 6 hours before he noticed that they had turned blue. Since he's a douche-bag, I felt like sharing his pic.

I've never hoped so hard that a pic was fake... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Mark C wrote:
Subject: ORSUM Plate
Whilst driving thru Bris Vegas the other day, I saw this BMW with a cool plate. Had to take the shot (excuse the poor quality, it's hard to drive and take photos at the one time)

Awesome car too. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Kristofer Walker wrote:
Subject: Only in Texas
While I was driving through Texas I came across this Co add on the side of the road. I would not like to work there!!!

I guess you could say that's a truckload of angry for some poor guy... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Majd wrote:
Subject: girl
hi orsm. i was wondering if u can put these 2pics i took of this bitch after 15min from her meeting a french guy(me in america). thank for the great site

Not too bad... got her name? Address? Phone number by any chance? -Orsm

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Meghann wrote:
Subject: Hey Hey Hey!
Hey Orsm! I go to your site at least 3 times a week to see if there's new stuff! I love it! I love the randomness and just how at least one thing can relate to SOMEONE! Well, anyways, I've attached 2 pictures of me (Meghann), and my two friends Ozzy and Eddie kissing at a rave we went to and a picture of me and my friend Liz massaging 2 people. I find them quite intriguing and thought you and maybe your viewers would, too. Raves are awesome and are way overrated with all the myths, so maybe this will change some people's views and thoughts about them. Love ya lots! Bye! Muah!

Stay off the chem's...!! -Orsm

Yok P LAI wrote:
Subject: Floating Coke Can
Why does the diet coke float while the classic coke sinks? The artificial sweetener used in diet coke is hundreds of times sweeter per unit volume than regular sugar. Classic coke has about 11 teaspoons of sugar in each can which are taken up by water in the diet coke can. Since sugar is more dense than water, it is not surprising that the diet coke will be less dense than classic coke.

click to view vid

Cheeky Chef wrote:
Subject: funny vid
you posted a vid of my friend telling me when he got a webcam for xmas a few weeks ago - thing is he hasnt stopped doing the videos and i will send them over the next few weeks. Is their any chance u can link to my website somehow - www.cheekychef.com - if you could it would be great.

click to view vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Video
Inside view of an ambush as it takes place during a convoy operation in Baghdad.

Scary shit. -Orsm

click to view vid

Marilyn wrote:
Subject: Funny vid
Mr. ORSM, here is a video i took of a coworker who has a habit of changing in his office. i hid the camera and got this clip. me and some of the girls think its funny!!

I hope you guy's don't work in a school... -Orsm

click to view vid

Mick Draper wrote:
Subject: Weekend Storm
Hey Orsm mate, More news from Sydney. These shots are from the Hail storm in Sydney last Weekend. An Aussie White winter... almost.

I meant to post these last update... my bad. -Orsm

click to enlarge
cnbs wrote:
Subject: Photos
Hi, ORSM! It's photo of avary on Sakhalin Island (Russia)
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After well over 600 man hours of hard negotiations in the last week I've finally made agreements with the fine folks at the following websites to promote them in a such a way that you, the humble surfer may check out their wares... so go do it!

Sherms Shack - My Ex GF - Dunken Antics - Wicked Poems - EN Whore - Bad Girls Blog - Ban This

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A successful station owner died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the station, but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a station hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the station was doing very well.

Then one day, the station owner's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the station looks great. You should go into Kalgoorlie and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into hit the big smoke one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return, two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the station owner's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her and said "Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots" He did as she asked, ever so slowly. Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra" Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!!!"

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An old geezer in the old folk's home took a fancy to an old lady who is also staying at the home. One day he gets up enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her. She agrees and suggests that when everyone else is gone for a day trip, they will stay behind and get to it.

He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it. She says, "I used to like it when a man went down on me." He says he would love to and goes for it. After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says, "I'm sorry. I afraid I just can't go on. It smells rotten down there."

She says, "It must be my arthritis." He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down there. And even if you could, it wouldn't cause that horrible smell." She says, "No, my arthritis is in my shoulder and I can't wipe my ass."


There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of non-traditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionised people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free. "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health". Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "You forget that I am optically challenged."

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe. "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper. "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner." "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?" "Sure," said the Wolf. "Thanks." "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said, "Do you have any Maalox?"

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Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher decided to give him a little quiz. "Johnny, if 3 birds are sitting on a wire and Farmer Joe shoots off one of the birds, how many birds are left on the wire?" Little Johnny gives it little thought and says, "None."

The teacher, a bit confused says, "No, if there are three birds sitting on a wire and the farmer shoots off one of them," showing Johnny with her fingers, "how many will be left?" Still without much thought, Johnny says, "None."

Now the teacher is just perplexed and asks Little Johnny to explain. "Well, when the farmer shoots his gun all the other birds will fly away!", Johnny explains. The teacher grimaces and says, "Well, it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny then pipes up, "Imagine there are three women sitting on a park bench. One is licking a popsicle, one is biting the popsicle and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?"

The teacher just sits there not knowing what to say and just stammers. Little Johnny encourages her, "Come on, one is licking, one is biting, and one is sucking, which one is married?"

Feeling a bit uncertain and uncomfortable the teacher squeezes out, "The one who is sucking the popsicle?" Little Johnny quickly answers, "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."


A fine mix this week I can guarantee... so rather than sit here and talk about it how about I let you all figure it out for yourselves...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

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A little girl asked her mum, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

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Okay boys and girls that's all from me for this week. Let me just say before I get out of here that a tremendous amount of work went into this update and as a result I'm feeling absolutely shattered. In other words I hope you enjoyed it!

One last thing... to the nameless star that snagged me a copy of Jamie Kennedy X off my wishlist you are a champion! I've been trying to work my way through them this week and am enjoying every episode. Many thanks. Anyway until next time be good, stay off the chem's and show me your love and Happy Birthday wishes by visting my wishlist! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2004.09.09-22.52
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Well hereth we areth againth. That's right boys and girls you've arrived at Orsmnet - lucky you huh!? If you haven't been here before then omg lol k thx you are about four long years behind the play so may I suggest clicking here to visit the archives and taking yourself one step closer to spiritual enlightenment.

Fucking terrorists. It's a fucked world and time we live in where shit like this happens. I followed with interest as the Chechen terrorist thing unfolded last week in Russia and sincerely hoped that it wouldn't end the way it did. You have to be one cold, callous fucked up mother fucker to do something so inhumane.

Whoever came up with the idea to take a bunch of innocent children hostage deserves nothing but the most horrific, painful death possible. Or even better, keep them in good health, round up their families and make them watch as each and every one of them is slowly tortured to death over weeks and months. Certainly a punishment befitting the crime.

Jump forward to today and plastered across every news outlet is the car bombing in Jakarta outside the Australian embassy. As I write this all reports point to there being no Aussie casualties which is obviously a good thing but the stupid bastards managed to take out eleven Indonesians and wound one hundred and sixty.

Why attack us though? Australians really aren't that bad. Tens of thousands of us spend our holidays in and around South East Asia pumping millions of dollars into the associated economies every year and as a reward we must suffer through atrocities such as Bali and car bomb attacks upon our embassies. I know the actions of a few don't represent the feelings of many but it still makes no sense to me - even now I don't know the exact reason that terrorists blew up the night club in Bali in 2002 which to me says they're going about it all wrong. I don't mean to sound like a pacifist here but your message isn't getting through and it aint working! Put down the guns bombs and try something else!

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So where does this take us, what's the world coming to and what's it going to be like 10 or even 20 years from now? Unless someone comes up with an ingenious plan to satisfy all the good and bad guys alike I don't see how the future can be anything but bleak.

Anyway on to something else... I finally took my first shooting lesson over the weekend. First of four with two more booked for this weekend. The thing that was/is most important to me from the get-go is safety - I particularly wanted to know what I was doing before I was doing it and the place we went to is pretty big on that sort of stuff.

We were training with a .22 calibre pistol of which make I don't remember. Pretty basic and not something that blows your mind after firing a few rounds off but I know in lessons three and four we get to use a .357 and 9mm respectively. Should be fun.

My best score for the day was 89/100 which as I've been reminded on more than one occasion this week wasn't quite as good as Honer's 97/100. I actually had some trouble focusing on the sights on top of the gun which I believe is a result of me being extremely long sighted. I can perfectly see a 5mm hole being punched in a target 10metres away but lining up the sights at arms length is just a blur. In lesson two we're using a different pistol that has a sight strapped to it... hopefully this'll make it easier to see what I'm doing. Whatever happens I need to save face and beat 97/00 this time...

One little extravagance I don't mind divulging in is NewbieNudes.com. I spend most of my spare time there surfing the well over 100,000 free pics which are updated daily, interacting with the babes that post pics and perusing the extensive vid section. If you're a Newbie Nudes virgin then today is the day to check it out!

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean..

Click for more awesomeness

Little Humans - Pentagon Conspiracy - Tricks of the Trade - Oops! Fuck! - Milk Man - Tribute to Goatse

World's Youngest Mother - Mary Beth Decker - Helicopter Man - Man Boobies - Cloud Talk - Electoral Vote

It's obvious that being engaged to a loser and doing lots of drugs wreaks havoc with your complexion... poor Britney...

A Polish immigrant goes to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test. The optician shows him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'. "Can you read this?" the optician asks. "Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."
What do Adolf Hitler and Sally Robbins have in common? Neither of them finished the race...
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but Definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs.Wong name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we name him Sum Ting Wong.

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A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in Heaven where he is met by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter." We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy. "I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the senator. "I'm sorry but rules are rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." he says. So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"


There's a lot to be said for being discrete but for some couples the lure of a daring screw in public is too much to resist and it looks like these two gave in and succumbed to that urge. Talk about going hammer and tong too - holding back is for the weak!

Those Bloody French: Public Fucking

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Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kevin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Kevin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Kevin was approached with a proposition - would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Kevin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Kevin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er. Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Wull," said Kevin, "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the $500."

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MyFreePaySite.com is the latest thing to sweep the net. Here's how it works: you go the site and you download to your hearts content! It's that simple. They've got ALL the latest celebrity sex vids, thousands of porn vids and squillions of pics and like I said it's ALL FOR FREE! All you gotta do is give them an email address to sign up - you can even use a hotmail address! Check it out now!

Possibly quite safe to say that in the last week or so an obscene amount of email has been sent my way. I've even taken the drastic step of sticking the overflow on a separate page so I wouldn't have to just delete it. If you've got something to send me or just want to have your say then click here.

J DeV wrote:
Subject: fuck i hate the little brown-nosing prick john howard
Hey Mr.Orsm, im a big fan of your site, but i have to disagree with what you wrote on the Front Page this week, about the australian parliament/parties etc

The reason why evry1 goes on about little johnny lying about those refugees chuckin their kids overboard, is because it begs the question; "what else has the short-arse lied about?" I mean, he said to australia "the liberals will not introduce a GST" ... yet we got a GST after he was re-elected (now thousands of small businesses have been fucked over, as well as low-incomers) ... he said "we will not go to iraq", and now there we are, in iraq ... and the list goes on and the reason why australia always runs up a budget surplus every year is because the government TAXES the australian people more than it SPENDS on public infrastructure, which is a gipp ... but that arsehole costello keeps flaunting the surplus because it sounds positive more on the economy ... the reason its going so well lately is because of the massive changes bob hawke and paul keating made; they floated the dollar, reduced subsidies n all that shit and so on; but the liberals are reaping the benefits because the benefits of the Labor Party changes came about so gradually (couldnt happen overnight)

anyway, it doesnt REALLY matter who is PM, theyre ALL a mob of rich, social-elitist cunts, not one knows what the workers want, they just give upper-class tax cuts, and give themselves a 6-figure salary and a 6-figure super when they get booted out again

THE WHOLE SYSTEM IS FUCKED ... but no one will believe it and i just wanted to say all this because i fucking hate that sycophantic methodist dwarf that is our PM, and tho i hate both parties equally, id vote labor just to get the little fudge-packer out of power.

craig wrote:
Subject: Elections
Hey, Buddy. Another thing about the election.... If Labor get voted in, Federally, then Aust will be 100% Labor... ALL states are labor currently.. Do we really want that?????!!!!

James Simpson wrote:
Subject: keep it objective
I like your site but not your political views. If your going to write about politics at least know what your actually talking about. to me you sound like a fool.

Rev. Daniel Mayers wrote:
Subject: desperate measures
Mr. Orsm, first i know you hear it all the tim but "Great site!" the only place i can ge my daily dose of sanity... that being said, im a tattooist in sydney, and you can tell we live in a fucked up world when, last week i had a woman come in and get me to tattoo "SORRY FOR BEING A LYING BITCH" 5mm above her clit. unfortunatly she wasnt keen to let me get a photo, fair enough i suppose. aparently he other half was getn out of prison the day after, and he said he would only come back to her if she got that tatooed on her snatch. wonder if he did or if it was just his final act of retalliation???? either way it was good for a laugh.

Damo wrote:
Subject: olsen twins
Dear Mr Orsm. The Olsen twins seem very popular on your site which is why i decided to show you my photochop of the picture you posted. keep up the good work

That pic just keeps getting better. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Robert James Hoffman III wrote:
Subject: Funny video submission
Hey, this thing is a huge hit with everyone I show. Some people have it momorized. If it floats your boat the guy in this video is the guy who did choreography for and played one of the main roles in "You Got Served", (me). I would love to have this posted on you site. LOVE YOUR SITE! And any feedback you can give me would be greatly appreciated too. Thanks!!!

click here to view

Ali Bi wrote:
Subject: pic just for you
Hello Mr orsm. My master loves your site and wanted to show his gratitude for the last few years of updates that he has enjoyed. I will send some more pics maybe if you would like?

My birthday is coming up... anyone else wanna scrawl my name across their nake body? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Stephen Hille wrote:
Subject: look at this fucking soft cock
This guy makes me sick, he is a fucking homo sexual piece of fucking dog shit that needs to be capped. I would love to meet this prick and put his fucking teeth in his pocket

Fair enough... -Orsm

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click to enlarge

Cristo Kiltsikis wrote:
Subject: Olympic Stadium.
Hey Orsm!! Greeting from Athens! You have a kick ass site! Been coming back to it for 3 years now and have never once missed an update. Anyway the only thing that upset me was the pic you had in RS a while back with the suppossed Greek football field for the olympics. Anyway I have nothing against Oz or Aussies, but most of your media crossed the line in regards to Greece and our ability to host the Olympics. At least CNN had the balls to apologise, haven't heard anything from Oz as yet though. Anyway, here's a pic I took of the olympic stadium in Athens, looks pretty Fuc...ing cool! Enjoy! Keep up the good work!

mark mark wrote:
Subject: Olympics
Is it me or do the olympic mascots this year like like a penis wearing a t-shirt?

Hmmm... -Orsm

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Tiny Elvis wrote:
Subject: Ex-Girlfriend
Hey Orsm, Kick ass site, loved it since I first spied it while doing the back-packer thing in Perth 3 years ago. Dude, you are a legend. Many otherwise productive work hours have been completely wasted checking your site out. In recompense, please find attached some pics of my (now) ex-girlfriend. She had a thing about being photographed. We split up. I kept the pics. You do the math.... they're only going to one website.... yours!

I'm almost positive I've seen these pics somewhere before... anyone able to back me up here? -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Icelandic drunken shaming
This happened at a festival in Iceland last weekend, kind of unfortunate place to be left like that. Pictures like this always come up after the first weekend in August, since that's the most drunken 3 day weekend in Iceland every year. Put it on your site if you like, but mask my last name at least :) P.s. Here's my site: www.leenks.com

click to enlarge

Michael wrote:
Subject: RS or Other Submission
Good day sir, This is a fax cover sheet that came to me from a local service provider. The typo that you'll see got me to thinking "Shouldn't be a problem, but how will that help?"

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click here to view

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pepper spray video
Love the site man! I figure its about time I contribute. I recently completed four years of active duty in the U.S. Coast Guard and I am now just a weekend warrior. While on active duty I was pepper sprayed for "training purposes", not once, but twice! Thanks the the wonderful people that handle our training records at my old unit loosing the documentation that prooved I had completed the training. Just so you know, we use a substance call Oleoresin Capsicum or OC spray. It is some pretty fucking nasty shit! In the training you have to defend yourself against either one or two attackers after being sprayed. Some people handle it well, some dont. Well, this video is of a kid who did not handle it to well and there wasnt very much compasion for him.

Greg Stacey wrote:
Subject: see this
Orsm, a cool little vid for you. and the aftermath here.

That's going to leave a scar... -Orsm

click here to view

Martin wrote:
Subject: My Skiing Fuck Up
Hey Mr.Orsm. Thought I'd extend the veiwing pleasure of a skiing accident I had a couple of years ago while in New Zealand. Turned out to be a pretty nasty break, with that metal cage bolted to my leg for 8 months. The upsides? It being caught on video. My friends not believing it was broken. Breaking my left leg so I could still drive my automatic car. Free 45 minute helicopter ride over the South Island of New Zealand at sunset. Sponge baths in hospital. All in all, well worth the pain.

click here to view

Slartbarfast wrote:
Subject: Pilbara train derailment
Mr Orsm. One of the Large Iron Ore Companies that operates in the Pilbara, North West of Western Australia had a train derailment last week. Derailment occurred about midnight when the train was traveling at 76km/h up a slight grade with 2 head end and 3 banker locos in full power. 78 loaded ore cars derailed 31 newer S series and 47 earlier M series. First derailed car was 3 back from head end locos. Approximately 400m of track damage, much of the derailment has flowed over onto the new passing loop being constructed at that location and damaged these construction works. Expect to have to scrap about 40 to 50 ore cars will be scrapped, those that can be salvaged will be transported direct to Perth. Early estimate of time until recommencement of Operations is 7 days.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: fun in the sun
Some pics taken a couple of weeks ago on the Romanian coast of the North Sea. What I always find amasing in this type of situations is the awkward look on the by-standers' faces... trying to look away, yet peaking...

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Click for more awesomeness
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A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation, and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak, and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11

9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11

9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11 - 9/11


Paddy was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken? Hold on I will have to check the stock out the back".

Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. Here you go, one jumper for a chicken." How much?" asked Paddy. Three quid." replied the salesperson. "Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy.

So away he went as happy as Larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he'd been done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom. He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He yelled at the salesperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom, what's going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked out the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."


Two women friends had gone out for a girl's night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, and used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These bloody girls' night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

click here for more

Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of to help his math! Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."


A rather eclectic mix is what I've prepared this week. You really need to ask youself - should you REALLY click that next pic link or is it safer to just leave well enough alone...?

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Daryl is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off. Daryl slams on the brakes and yells: "Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says: "G'day Daryl.You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself". Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. "Shazza", he says. "Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too"... and drives off...

click here for more


Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy

Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "OK. You want it Pasteurised?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

click here for more

Okay guy's thats me done for one more week. I hope you enjoyed squandering your precious time surfing the update whilst you were supposed to be doing something else. Anyway until next time be good, stay off the chem's and keep in mind my birthday is in less than two weeks so now would nbe a good time to check out my wish list! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2004.09.02-22.22
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Welcome dignitaries, VIP's, distinguished men and women alike. This is Orsmnet and you are now home so sit back, relax and enjoy the update...

This month marks four years since the inception of the site! Four years! I can hardly believe it's been that long but as they say - time flies when you're having fun. The past year has definitely had its fair share of memorable events. Most of you guys will remember that hacking shit we went through late last year and into early this year. Thankfully, and after far too many hours spent troubleshooting, we got it resolved and everything has been more or less smooth sailing ever since. Following that was an April Fools story concocted by myself which had more than a few of you believing that the site was going pay-per-view. Still brings a smile to my face...

August finally saw the site break the elusive 1 million visitors just to the main page in a single month and you lot managed to view a total of over 52 million pages across the site. Kind of crazy and yet just so gratifying. I also now have the problem of attaining my next goal: 2 million surfers to the main page in a month so hurry and tell your friends!

Its election time for Australians. This past Sunday our Prime Minister John Howard announced that this October we would go to the polls and cast our vote for who we'd like to lead the country for the next 4 years. Essentially it's a 2 horse race - Liberals and Labor.

Little Johnnie first... he's been at the helm for the past 8 years, led the country quite effectively, hasn't made any major mistakes and has maintained a strong economy. He's been repeatedly accused of being weak and pandering to George Bush over the whole Iraq thing.

click here for more

Opposition Leader Mark Latham is Australia's other alternative. Most of us had never heard of him until he took up the reigns of the Labor Party a few months back. Marky-boy lost any hope of ever seeing a vote from me when he brought Peter Garret in to his party. For those not in the know, Garret is the ex Midnight Oils lead singer whose music was mostly politically motivated and thus complete shit.

Aussie politics is a less of a circus than what you guy's in the US have to put up with. We've got less than a tenth of the population plus the rules are completely different. For starters voting is compulsory. If you are over the age of 18 then you must vote. Secondly, we don't have term restrictions for our leaders meaning if the public says so, we can have the same guy running the show forever. Thirdly, the prospective candidates don't have hundreds of millions of dollars with which they can spend promoting themselves although in my opinion it makes for less interesting viewing than Bush versus Kerry.

So all we've heard for the last month or so is crap... one party smearing the already bad name of the other. I swear if I have to listen to one more news report about whether or not the PM knew, didn't know, may have known, could have know or should have known whether or not some illegal refuges threw there kids overboard to gain access to the country I will snap. It's boring - move the fuck on!

My Dad had a somewhat interesting play on Australian politics: "Everything is going along well then for some reason Labor gets voted in. They spend their time fucking everything up until people finally realise and bring the Liberals back in to govern. The Libs fix up everything and another 4-8 years later everyone votes Labor back in and the process starts all over."

There's probably a shit load of people out there who don't know who they're going to vote for so I leave you with this quote from an Aussie chick-flick called Looking For Alibrandi: "We vote not to vote the best party in but to keep the worst party out!".

One little extravagance I don't mind divulging in is NewbieNudes.com. I spend most of my spare time there surfing the well over 100,000 free pics which are updated daily, interacting with the babes that post pics and perusing the extensive vid section. If you're a Newbie Nudes virgin then today is the day to check it out!

If you feel like getting interactive, you can always chat with TangoTime's 2000+ gorgeous webcam models entirely for free. Their FREE live video teaser chat feature is hot! You're bound to find someone you like, as there are over 100 models live any time of the day, 24/7! Click here to check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean..

Click for more awesomeness

Sex Fun Facts - Most Addictive Game Ever - Sex Box - Plane Game - Hubble Images - Bike Acco - Badgers

Coffee House Propoganda - Air Toons - Lindsay's Fake Boobs - Amazing: Saw Stop - American iPod

A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mum and goes off to double check with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in suprise and says, "son, all household appliances come in white."
Apparently this is true... G. Dubbya Bush is known for his Bushism's. He said in a private meeting during the run up to the Iraq Vote at the UN "The trouble with the French is that they do not have a word for Entrepreneur."
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

click here for more

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

click here for more

It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has".


What these guy's get up to is pretty crazy. Big speeds and lane hopping in heavy traffic. Probably not what you would call smart but entertaining nonetheless. I could never drive like this - its not that i dont have the ability, more that I dont trust other drivers to watch their own shit and see me coming.

Fang Time: M5 Versus RS4

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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls aside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's Grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some "Why, that's awfully nice of them I think I will get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry."

The policeman fainted.

click here for more

MyFreePaySite.com is the latest thing to sweep the net. Here's how it works: you go the site and you download to your hearts content! It's that simple. They've got ALL the latest celebrity sex vids, thousands of porn vids and squillions of pics and like I said it's ALL FOR FREE! All you gotta do is give them an email address to sign up - you can even use a hotmail address! Check it out now!

I don't remember the last time that I received such a broad range of responses in regards to an update. You guy's had something to say about everything. I love it too - it's a good sign that people are here for more than just free porn! There was actually so much that I ended up having to bump some of it to a separate page.

If you've got something you wanna say, something to contribute, heard a good joke, and interesting story to tell or just a random email forward then drop me a line here.

The Lucky Chicken wrote:
Subject: Re: From England
In reply to PoshBill, the only reason Australia is 'hungry to achieve' in competitions such as the Olympics is for the sole purpose of taking the piss out of other countries. Be it the Yanks, Poms, Kiwis or Norwegians. All that is left to say is that Britons are whinging, fat faced, pale arse, hedgehog fucking, Fosters drinking snowmen who dissapointed their monarchial queen by having only half as many current Olympic champions as those degenerate, whinging, squinty eyed, leather faced, mining, sheep fucking (yes, sheep fucking! Whatever rocks your boat mate), VB drinking convicts inhabiting the far corner of the world.

Amanuensis wrote:
Subject: guns
Hey Orsm, Great site btw.. I get hours of pleasure browsing it every week. Now, guns, namely, auto pistols. Maaaaaaaaate, I am gunna toss a recommendation at ya here. [Click here]. Don't get me wrong, the Desert Eagle is a hell of a sidearm, but the Sig has features that put it way above the opposition here. It has a gas-blowback counter weight system that practically eliminates recoil. As the cartridge explodes, some of the propellant gas is used to throw a counter-weight back within the gun mechanism. If, as you say, you would like to become proficient, well, the fact this weapon does not suffer recoil means, it stays on-target for follow on rounds. I know, it costs a lot more but what price accuracy? You want to put 5 rounds in the '10' ring in 3 seconds, well, this is my choice. Keep up the good work.

rmcclellan wrote:
Subject: Reply to Michael Moore vs Casino
Oh, this really got me upset. While he has the right to express his opinions, where did those rights come from? From people willing to sacrifice their lives to protect those rights. Does anyone think that he would be allowed to express his opinions, no matter how well researched in another country? I think not. He is living so much better off than the people in Iraq were and now are. Why doesn't he move over there and try to explain his way of thinking? All he is doing is undermining the American way of life and support for the troops over there. Why doesn't he propose something to make things better? It is so much easier to criticize than to offer help. Perhaps he could take the profits from his movies and books and donate it toward the starving Iraqi children?

Michael Moore, stop being negative, look toward the positive, because you hate (my opinion) the Bushes, does not give you the right to influence less informed people with your perception of how you think things should be. Why don't you run for office? I know where you come from in Flint Michigan, Take that stupid Michigan State Left Wing Faggot hat off your fat head and appreciate the people that allow to you exist!

For the people that don't know, Flint Michigan is highly oppressed and crime stricken with poor, black people thriving on welfare and government subsidies (translates to other peoples money), while East Lansing (where MSU - Michigan State University in located) is the highest population of gay people in the state.

Michael Moore, why weren't those questions asked while your beloved Bill Clinton and Al Gore were in office? Could it be perhaps based on this article?

Brian wrote:
Subject: Moore vs. Casino
Regarding the letter posted on your site claiming to be a written by the president of aladdin. This letter is a falshood penned by some unknown hoaxer.. Please refer to this link for further info.. Thanks, I love the Site !!

Jim Booth wrote:
Subject: Winston Churchill story
I thought the story about Winston Churchill was interesting. I put a couple of the words into Google, though, and here's what I found. According to this website, it is fiction.

Dave Elliott wrote:
Subject: olsen twins - no wait, i found the original
Yo orsm! The site rocks man. So I know you got a bunch of email asking if that Olson twins pic was real on your August 5th update. And I know you explained it was a fake, but I wonder if some people still think it was real... This should help...

Check out NapkinNights.com for more! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Robert wrote:
Subject: Weird Hotel
Hello Mr. Orsm, it's been a while since I've last mailed you, but, just in case no one had been quicker to do so, I wanted to tell you that the "weird hotel" looks a lot like a place called "Propeller Island City Lodge", as to be found under www.propeller-island.de And I hope you're interested in this bit of information after all. :-)

Glen wrote:
Subject: Re Corn fed girls
Dear Mr Orsm. If that is what corn does to tits, then I say that we start a movement banning the production and distribution of corn in any form. By far and away these were the most unattractive sets of norgs ever posted!!

Mark Nutburn wrote:
Subject: Wedding Cake Decoration
Dear Orsm, I'm getting married next year and as a bit of a joke and to show to my prospective Missus that I'm getting involved in the organisation I sent her a link to one of your random shite pictures that appeared a week or so ago. Bizarrely she liked the idea and appreciated the thought. Probably because it shows her as the boss when we all know that's not the case. Apparently it looks like me being dragged across the cake. I thought I was a bit taller than that.

Unfortunately I've been given the task of finding where it came from to try and get hold of one. Usually I'd pretend I'd had a go and failed but she is the boss and I have to do what the boss says (that'll change when we're hitched - probably). I thought I'd start by asking you as I now blame you for the embarrassment it's going to cause. Do you have any idea who produces it or where I may be able to start to track them?

Can anyone help Mark out? Email me and I will pass it on. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
The game was Flaming A$$$hole! The rules of the game seemed simple:
1. Hold a pint in one hand.
2.Place long piece of toilet paper in crack of asss.
3.Light it on fire.
4.Drink Beer Before fire hits ass

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John Murphy wrote:
Subject: Water Skiing anyone?
This was taken by a KTBS helicopter flying over Cross Lake ! (For those of you who are not local, Cross Lake is in Shreveport, La.) That has to be a HUGE gator to have a whole deer in its mouth! Are you ready to go skiing on Cross Lake?! If you ski at the west end of the lake -- try not to fall.

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Mikhail Ðias wrote:
Subject: BillGates Yatch: Octopus
pictures taken during carnaval time. when Mr & Mrs Schwarzenegger joined the Gates for some fun.

Call that a boat? My tender is bigger than that toy... -Orsm

click for gallery

Derek wrote:
Subject: Vid Clip
Giday Orsm. here is a vid clip taken on the 20th of april 2004 at a coal mine in the Hunter Valley NSW.Take note of the drill and shovel at the lower right.It might be best if you dont print my name or any of the details of this shot. Enjoy.

click here to play video

Patrick wrote:
Subject: A Few Pics for RS
The sign is a street sign in Bosnia that I took on my way back from Iraq. Nobody can tell me what the sign means. Since I didn't realize I took the picture when I did (ah, the effects of beer!), I didn't bother to ask the locals.... any suggestions? Love the site! You Aussie's rock!

click to enlarge
Lai Yok Pui wrote:
Subject: This is my last Email
Dear friends, This will be my last email to all of you. I have decided to join a guerrilla force and to fight selflessly for the liberation of the oppressed Bolivian population. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP ME! THESE PEOPLE NEED ME! My decision has been made - I have attached a picture of my fellow fighters. Poor girls, they can't even afford to buy clothes.

tom wrote:
Subject: oops Pic- House for sale
Yes, this pic was really posted as an interior shot of a house for sale right here in Pleasanton, CA. Look outside at the 3rd picture down. I'm attaching the pic in case they pull it.

Here's the link. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Used Planes for Sale
These two trucks stopped across from our factory today on their way from Sheppard Air Base to San Antonio for air force maintenance training. These old war birds have done all the flying they had in them...... Interesting that each truck has a complete plane on it including the wings (which are incredibly small and stubby when you see them off the plane... you can see them on the truck, under the nose. )

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Bruce Todd wrote:
Subject: Dinner Anyone? AKA "A pig eats a cow!!!"
Where's the end to the beef? Would you like fries with that or bypass surgery with a colon cleansing thrown in? It's at a Pennsylvania pub that serves the world's biggest burger - weighing in at NINE lip-smacking pounds! That's no whopper - you can actually get this meat monster for $23.95, loaded with all the fixings" : Two whole tomatoes, a half-head of lettuce, 12 slices of cheese, a full cup of peppers, two entire onions, plus, a river of mayonnaise, ketchup, and mustard. And we wonder why millions of North Americans are so fat.....

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By this stage of the update you may be thinking a change of pace would be nice so how about checking out my good friends at the following sites. There's every chance you will enjoy their shit more than you do mine so what the hell are you waiting for!?

Chaser Mag - Another Site - Wicked Poems - Changing Links - Sick Chicks - Team Whitey - En Whore - ABum

click here for more

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

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One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes, I did!" Terry's wife said "Well, you can get more than that but it will cost you $500."

So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay. She said "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work." Mike said "I'll see you then." The next day Mike went over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.

Later Terry came home and asked "Has Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best - everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on." "There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."


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A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of several years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said: "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."


Okay it's going to be hard to top last weeks Shite. Emails poured in from all and sundry either thanking me for the warning or blessing me for going above and beyond the call of duty. Looking back now, warning you guy's of whats ahead takes the/my fun out of it so don't expect it in the future!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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An old farmer in Florida owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

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T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say - red is positive, black is negative."

Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

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Well folks that about wraps up another update. I hope I've managed to drag you away from something more important such as work or whatever else you should be doing. Anyway until next time be good, stay off the chem's and for the love of god try being less selfish, make my day and visit my wishlist and make a brother happy! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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