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September 2013...
orsmupdate 2013.09.26-19.06

Welcome to Orsm.net. Heisenberg.

Its Grand Final weekend and not only does that mean the Australian Football League season winds up for the year as of Saturday, but we'll know if the Fremantle Dockers can put their 0 and 19 record [that's 0 premierships from 19 years] behind them. No one really expected Freo to get there and Western Australia has gone absolutely mental in support. The evening news has been a litany of stories about people scampering east to watch the big game in Melbourne. Airfares are obscene and tickets to the game just about impossible to come by. Its exciting and as a West Coast Eagles fan, let me be one of the many to say we're all very happy for you, happy you've made it to the GF and we hope you win. Really.

At the risk of being labelled 'sour grapes' however, I'm not sure if the excitement from Freo fans isn't a bit misdirected. It's whatever the opposite of humble is. Firstly, no one has won anything yet. Secondly are you guys more happy to have made the GF or is the fact you finished higher than the Eagles and possibility of finally having something in the trophy cabinet to point to a bigger deal? Again, we hope you win because whichever way it'll be embarrassing if you don't...

Moving on. It was my birthday Saturday and with 4 other loved ones having birthdays within a couple of day proximity it meant numerous social events, all of which would involve food. That's the thing about my fam... festivities aren't typically marked with alcohol, it is and always has been food. Knowing what was to come it wasn't any surprise that I woke up at 5am from a nightmare. Something about my mates giving me shit for getting really, really fat. This in mind we got out of bed and down to the coast to walk/run a quick 5kms. Absolutely glorious day and one full of potential... which was a shame because, after some motherfucking eggs with the olds, we spent the next 3.5 hours designing the new house electrical plan. Can't actually think of a bigger waste of a birthday than thrashing out where the fuck lights and power points are going to go. Had to be done though... right then. From there it was homeward and an expectation to eat... again. Would've been glad to forgo but with a pile of my favourites cooked especially for me spread across the kitchen it was eat or be rude. Hung about til mid-afternoon before cruising down to Fremantle to soak up the atmosphere ahead of the last qualifying football final. Hit a pub, munched some Oktoberfest snacks, enjoyed the street performers and so on. Not quite what I was expecting though - lots of people around but all felt a bit subdued which was enough to make us head for home to watch the game on TV rather than hang around. And that we did. Couple of friends came by, we ate for the kabillionth time and lapped up some good footy.

Sunday was more birthdayish stuff I could have done without but was glad I didn't. Unfortunately it was another bright and unnecessarily early start owing to the apparent superstorm which pounded the metro. Its taken me until today to work out - a cobweb outside our bedroom window has caught a small twig or leaf or something and in a strong-enough wind it repeatedly bangs the window frame in such a way that it is impossible to sleep. The stupidcuntfacehomoidiotcunt spider web noise maker combined with the weather put an end to any plans to exercise [or sleep] and instead forced a drive-by of the new house to check if we'd lost any walls. From there it was dim sum with fam and friends, celebrating mine and a mates bday's. Dumplings and happy joy time were had. From there it was past grandmother's house to meet up with rest of the fam, have cake and mark her birthday too.

Didn't make it back home until after 3. Quite exhausting just eating and talking but I suppose someone has to do it. All I really wanted to do was veg out on the couch but it was Souper Sunday and time to whip up a giant batch to cover lunches for a couple of weeks. Thankfully the process was made easier with the addition of some Asian helpers chopping and washing but didn't get off my feet properly until 8ish.

Just when I thought the onslaught was over, just when things should have been returning to normal, one last meal remained Monday night. This time for a 50th [not mine fuckers!] and at my favourite café. Nothing has ever been stuffed that hard nor has a meal been that awesome. Unsurprisingly I've barely wanted to eat since. I'm just glad as glad can be that its all over. As far as birthday weekends go it was low key, especially compared to last year's surprise overnight retreat thing, surprise party, and surprise weekend away. Def didn't feel the need to be spoiled this time and that's what I got.

"Okay shut up with the crappy waffle, Orsm. No one cares"... is what I can hear you all saying. Hearts, souls, minds and a fuckload of hours went into what you guys are about to consume. Enjoy it or don't. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Check it...

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Oscar Worthy - Cum All Over - Teen Anal - No WAY! - Septemboobs - Drunk Fuck - Deathwish - Dumb Bitch - Newbie

Waaaant!! - BJ Gameshow - Perfect Tits - Ecstasy - Creeper - Wankers - Euro Goddess - Sicko - Charity Case - Nailed It

My girlfriend bloody loves shopping. It's been days since I've seen her though. Crazy Kenyan bitch.
A man meets a friend who is a Fremantle Dockers fan just after losing the grand final to Hawthorn and sees that his friend's car is total write-off; covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend "What's happened to your car?" "Well" the friend responds "I ran over Matthew Pavlich". "Okay..." says the man "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, he tried to escape through the park"...
A blonde woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina". The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas".
This friend of mine had a disgusted look on her face and she said "Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people live next to a paedophile"? I said "Not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 year olds".
You know, Asians are such bad drivers that I'm starting to think Pearl Harbour was an accident.
What is worse than getting your keys stuck inside your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.



-A New Zealand office worker was axed for using bold, uppercase letters in an e-mail to co-workers on how to properly fill out forms. The company deemed the capital letters confrontational.

-I went to my annual performance review with our local HR director who told me "You are doing a great job and are getting a raise. Unfortunately however, your position has been eliminated in the next budget so here's your notice and severance package". So after more than 6 years with the company, I got to enjoy one final raise for a few weeks before being laid off.

-Wells Fargo fired a customer-service representative with seven years on the job after discovering he'd put a cardboard cut-out of a dime in a Laundromat washing machine nearly 50 years earlier.

-A waiter in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, claims he was let go after leaving his post to help a woman who was being carjacked in the parking lot.

-Julie was fired for not disclosing that she had tattoos. According to her, they never show, her clothes hide everything. Her boss saw her out somewhere on a day off and caught a glimpse of her shoulder and fired her on the spot. Her boss said she was a great worker, totally loved her, but even having tattoos sent the wrong message to their clients. The kicker? It was a call centre.

-A Chicago car salesman was shown the door for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie to work.

-At our office we have people with disabilities from a group home come and clean the place. One of my co-workers said to another co-worker "Grab a broom you'll fit right in with these guys." One of the supervisors of the people from the group home over heard this and reported him to our boss. Long story short my co-worker was first suspended pending investigation and then fired for being insensitive.

-I had a co-worker who showed up 15 minutes late for a safety meeting. After closing the door he paused, held up one finger and farted very loudly. The room smelled terrible for the rest of the meeting. After the meeting our supervisor asked to speak with him and I never saw him at work again.

-I got fired from a bar-tending job in Scotland after telling a customer "No" when he asked if I'd like to "go for a wee shag" after my shift. The boss even told me that I was a good bartender and he'd recommend me to a more low key pub, but I just wasn't right for that place.

-My friend was terminated by a hand delivered letter while hospitalised and attached to a haemodialysis machine.

-My story starts about two weeks ago. Going from Monday until Wednesday, I had been overworked due in large part to the fact that my co-workers mainly sat on their butts while I took care of a majority of the duties of that particular shift. Not only that, but the manager decided to throw a few extra tasks my way. Needless to say, I was frazzled and I couldn't wait for Thursday to come so I could work with someone who actually did her job. Long story short: I was fired the following Monday for misconduct, as a co-worker had complained about me behind my back. No one respected me enough to talk to me about the issue. Not my co-worker. Not the manager. Not even the head honcho. So, three days after my one-year anniversary (when I was supposed to get a raise), I was let go by the company.

-I was a game tester at a major software publishing company. Well, after 2 years there, I had acquired on my own, a major US license for a video game. I had worked my way up the chain of command asking who to talk to to offer the license to them first, like the company policy said I had to. Well, one morning, I sent an email to the people I had been emailing for 3 weeks before the Game Developers Conference was going to occur. I had decided to include my QA Manager in the CC. Well, a few hours later, I was in a meeting with my QA Manager and was told I was too demanding and I was fired for conflict of interest for working on a game outside of their company when all I had done was acquire a license and offered it to them.

-I was on vacation in Florida and called my boss one day because we had a big project launching and I wanted to make sure everything was okay with it. He told me that he was happy I called because the company had been sold. He didn't want me to have to come into an empty office when I got back as we had all been laid off. Nice news to get when you're on vacation, right?

-I had fallen pregnant and told my boss I needed the next day off for a doctor's appointment. About 2 or 3 weeks later my boss had told me "This just isn't working out, we might have a job for you after your pregnancy".

- I took a job in Central Services at a local hospital. All the long term women in the department warned me about Shirley. Well, one night Shirley thought I had already gone home. I walked around a corner to see her lounging in a chair reading and eating chips. She jumped up yelling and screaming at me. The more I tried to communicate with her the madder she became. Then she picked up a large pair of scissors and chased me into a office. After locking the door I listened for the elevator as she had screamed she was going for the security guard. We were very isolated as the hospital had recently expanded and the wing I was in was now empty except for our department. When I heard the elevator doors shutting I ran for the stairs. The next morning I reported her to HR as I knew our boss would do nothing. The older women warned me against this but I explained we had to stand up against Shirley's dangerous and threatening behaviour. Needless to say I was called into HR and fired within days.

-One time I was working at a McDonald's when I was about 15. Long story short, some people were playing with the ketchup and mustard guns they have in the kitchen area. I slipped on some ketchup and broke my ankle. They fired me because they had to pay the medical bills

-I had to have unexpected life-saving surgery. I woke up a month and a half later and a few hours after that my boss came into the hospital and fired me!"

-My co-worker was fired when he was working in an Indian restaurant because he didn't like having to do an Indian accent when serving patrons.

-I worked on set for a movie as a cameraman. For fun, I brought my friend along to see the filming. He ended up finding the refreshment stand. While filming, he somehow managed to take off his clothes and streak across the set during a take. He was DRUNK and of course I was fired for lack of control over my friend.


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Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won't say what it is but wants Father Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings Father Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. "Well" says the priest "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top". "No Father, I dropped it and it landed like that". "Well" Fr Flannagan says "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc".

An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:

"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side".


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A man wakes up in hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness". "Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So" the doctor says "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. On the other hand, if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have" says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite bench tops".


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Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. Alas, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behaviour, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways". The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"


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A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do" the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!"


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An absolutely stunning 23 year old girl desperately wanted to be rich... but she certainly didn't want to have to work. She didn't like the thought of marrying a rich guy, because it would only put a damper on all her party action. After a lot of thought, she decided her best bet was to marry some really old rich guy so that her departure from the party scene would be brief.

After a good deal of searching, she set her sights on a west Texas oilman/rancher who was pushing 90 years of age. After wooing the man with all she had, they were married. He flew her to Manhattan for the honeymoon, taking her to the fanciest suite in the best hotel in town. After getting to their room, the old man wandered into the bathroom. The girl draped herself in the sexiest teddy she had and stretched out on the bed thinking how after only one night, she was bound to be a very rich widow.

Presently the old man walked out of the bathroom sporting the most enormous erection the girl had ever seen, and it was sheathed in a condom. The old man had wads of cotton stuffed in both ears and a clothespin on his nose.

Jumping off the bed, the girl asked "Why the hell do you look like that?" The old man chuckled and said "Darlin' there are two things in this world that I just can't stand... the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber".

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A couple are in the maternity ward of the hospital, waiting to see their first born child. The doctor comes in and says "I have some bad news for you. Your child has been born with severe deformities".

The mother looks at the doctor and says "Does he have legs?" "Well..." replied the doc "It's worse than that". The mother asks "Does he have arms?" "Well..." replied the doctor "It's worse than that. I think you had better come and see for yourself".

The doctor takes the couple to the intensive care ward, and there, lying all by itself on a bed, is a massive eye. "Here is your child" the doc says "I told you it was severe. All there is of him is an eye".

The father replies "Well we will love him anyway!" "That's not the worse news". The doc said "It's blind!"


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One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked "What the hell happened to you?" to which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers moustache and I'm so very coldddd!"

The first flea said "Don't you know the special trick to getting' here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the men's commode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where it's nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin' and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" The second flea replied "I did just as you said - I went to the men's commode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers moustache!"


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A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive "yes, yes" type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed. "So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?" "Well" said the doctor "my wife is right, a beard would suit me".


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Three men, an Englishman, an Italian and an Aussie, find themselves shipwrecked and stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere. They decide to go look around and try to find help. As luck would have it, halfway up the beach they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish".

The Englishman went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house on the Riviera with no money worries". Suddenly... POOF! The man disappeared and found himself living life in the lap of luxury just as he had wished.

The Italian was up next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean surrounded by beautiful women!". Suddenly... POOF!  And the man woke up on a gigantic yacht sailing the blue waters of the Mediterranean amongst gaggle of gorgeous women.

Last, but not least, it was the Aussie's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. The Aussie sat there for the longest time, thinking and thinking. Eventually he scratches his balls and says "I dunno... I wish me mates were to here to help".


I'll leave you fuckers with these parting words while I get the fuck out of here...

-Check out the site archives. It's where you lost it... remember?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Cock.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will keep hitting refresh on Google News until he finds out how Breaking Bad ends then bomb your Facebook newsfeed and SMS and email and phone and anything else before you have a chance to watch so he can ruin it for you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and GO FREO. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.09.19-18.58

Welcome to Orsm.net. FACT: Butter beats bacon.

So umm... this is awkward. My birthday is close and you still haven't gotten me anything...? Okay I'll make it easy - there's a $21M lottery draw on the 21st [my birthday]. If everyone can purchase a ticket and snail mail it my way then that would be great. If I win I promise to shut Orsm down and JUST do updates only accessible to whoever bought me the winning ticket for 10 5 2 years 1 year a month a week.

I'm having one of those weeks where other people are making me feel dumb to be Australian. First was an annual ride of about 1000 outlaw bikers from the east coast to the west coast. They rode straight across the middle, going for however many days. Waiting at the state border was a huge contingent of cops who escorted, tailed and cajoled for 6-700 kilometres until the group arrived here in Perth. For the next three days a buttload of cops sat on them making their presence known and closely monitoring. I would give my left nut to know how much it costs to mobilise a few hundred cops including overtime, cars, bikes and a helicopter to circle the clubhouse in an operation lasting more than a week. The result? One arrest. You could probably argue that the police presence itself was enough to keep the bikies inline and no one would be so naïve to think they were here -just- for the sake of it but in bang for your buck terms it was embarrassingly massive overkill.

Second was the I-don't-know-how-many geniuses who got their knickers in a twist over the announcement of our new governments cabinet - you know... the people chosen to head up [or is it mismanage?] various gov departments. The problem: only one woman in a sea of men. Understandably all those who know big words like 'sexist' and 'misogynistic' just aren't coping. "Hey I don't care that there isn't a qualified woman who can do the job... it should still be a woman!" The fact that there are better credentialed options who happen to be male notwithstanding. Facepalm.

And finally, people who use 'me' instead of 'my'. Skip to about 1 minute of this video. I cringed.

Okay moving on to all the shit in me week. Beginning with Saturday. Bright and early start on a very wet morning. First stop the chiropractor and the first time ever that any medical practitioner has been waiting at the front counter for me. None of this sitting quietly for half an hour because some tard ahead of you didn't book a longer appointment shit. From there it was off to borrow some tools, then past the hardware store to grab protective gear and to the [being built] house to pull down an asbestos fence. Safe to say that with how dangerous asbestos is I was kind of shitting myself but it was raining heavily so hopefully that was enough to keep any airborne fibres at bay. Made it home for a very thorough shower and headed back out again to attain grocery items and somehow managed to score the rest of the day all to myself. That night, pub for GF's sister's birthday. Uneventful but entertaining.  

Best intentions to get up early and exercise fell by the wayside Sunday with the rain. It's been unseasonably wet lately - just about every day for a couple of weeks. To make up for it we headed for the city to smash some dim sum. I had this idea to begin trying some other places so there's a backup to the main, really awesome place. Long story short, more than half the food was left uneaten. Oh and this dude was sharing the table with us. Seems he would rather kill himself than eat another one of their xiaolongbao. Spent the remainder of the day working on this update before guilt finally kicked in mid-afternoon and a coast walk was had. All up a pretty tame weekend which is fine because the one approaching already has I think 4 or 5 social events encompassing 4 or 5 significant peoples' birthdays. I can actually feel myself fattening in anticipation.  

Alright that should be enough to move on with the rest of the update. I've value added where ever possible and it has tonnes of everything - an RS doubleshot, chunky Reader Mail section, enough hotties to keep your penises occupied for numerous masturbations and a whole lot of love. Basically what I'm saying is some seriously long hours went into this one which I'm sure you bastards will agree has culminated in some seriously awesome entertainment so without any further waffle... check it...

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Enhanced - Paid Forward - Live Free - Creeped Out - So F-ing Cool - Boobie Heaven - Meltdown - Misdirection

Octocock - U Up?? - Painal! - A Chicken - Meat Grab - Flaming Hell - Unfknblvbl - Sexy Fail - Oil Them - I'm Not Upset

That Quickly - Mega Slut - She Fine - Slaaap!! - Gorgeous - Tits Bounce - Butt-astic - Public Jerkin' - Bit Harsh

Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, guys.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch, and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. When he was gone, the other motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated each other on being so 'bad'. As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either" the cashier replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles".
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart" he answered "God made me a long time ago". "Oh" she paused "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey" he said "God made you just a little while ago". Feeling their respective faces again, she observed "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
A man goes to a shrink and says "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax" says the Doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mum" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".



-Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
-Missing social events and being up to date on with friends' lives is important... but so is sleep, usually more so.
-Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
-Eating garbage, not working out and being able to see your feet are no longer a viable option.
-You're just as happy to get an iPhone now even though there's a new model coming out in a month or two.
-You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
-'Downton Abbey' is required viewing.
-All of the vegetables that you used to hate, you've now developed a taste for.
-6am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
-You've actually used the phrase "Kids these days…"
-You hear your favourite song on an elevator.
-Mum and dad no longer make your financial decisions.
-You're aware of the alarming sodium content in tinned soups.
-Plans are made according to the weather forecast.
-Politics is now interesting. Politicians are still "all dickheads".
-Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
-You can't walk past the kitchen without dirty dishes annoying you.
-That six pack of beer has been sitting in your fridge for a surprisingly long amount of time.
-You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
-There's no such thing as portion control when it comes to things you ate small servings of as a kid.
-Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
-There's enough money in your bank account to take advantage of automated billing without worrying about overdrawing.
-Contrary to everything you thought as a teen, waking up for work is 800 times harder than waking up for school.
-You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
-There's not necessarily any soft drink in the fridge.
-Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
-You'd rather stay home and cook.
-The hardware store is your go-to Saturday outing.
-You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
-You have a mortgage.
-Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
-Littering gives way to recycling.
-You automatically wake up early on the weekends even though you have absolutely no reason to.
-You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
-Must watch the evening news.
-Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
-There's a lawn mower in your shed.
-You no longer take naps from noon to 6pm.
-Your car doesn't have bald tyres. It may even be clean.
-At midnight, you're leaving the bar instead of arriving at it.
-Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
-There's a pile of recyclable grocery bags in the pantry.
-Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
-You like receiving gift vouchers.
-You go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
-A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
-You have a filing system.
-You eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
-"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again".
-Your ironing skills have evolved from just pulling shirts out of the dryer at the right time.
-90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
-You keep your stuff organised without someone forcing you to.
-You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
-You don't always purchase furniture that arrives unassembled.
-One of your favourite pastimes is doing absolutely nothing while wearing some form of soft pants.
-There's a 'present cupboard' somewhere in your house.
-Seeing kids living their careless, responsibility-less life makes you jealous. 
-You no longer share your apartment with five other roommates.
-You're now able to go in to K-Mart and be like, meh, this isn't so bad.
-Your phone is filled with apps that are more about finance instead of fun.
-You don't flinch or even have the least bit of interest when walking past the toy section.
-You willingly purchase throw pillows. You get excited about it.
-You realise that things like food and furniture don't just magically appear in your home.
-You make a grocery list throughout the week.
-Babies fill your Facebook feed.
-You take really good care of your towels.
-Your tax refunds are used towards credit cards, loans and bills.
-Concerns over a Sunday hangover influence Saturday night plans.
-Screaming gives way to using your words and having rational conversations to resolve conflict.
-You think you're ready to upgrade to some high-quality kitchen knives.
-You don't cringe when so-and-so announces her pregnancy because it actually makes sense to have kids at this age.
-You get your car serviced when you're supposed to and don't really think about it.


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A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry" she exclaims "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who can keep you company while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, they are both deaf mutes".

With this she ushers him in to the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable, as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching the soccer game, and mum is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Just as suddenly, dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.

The room is plunged back into an eerie, awkward silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up and gives her one from behind and place two more match sticks under his eyelids.

No sooner had they concluded this strange behaviour, the daughter returns fully dressed for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.

At the end of the evening, the girl asks "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you" replied her date "it's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked!"

After pleading with him to explain in more detail, the young man reluctantly recounts the story. "Well, first your mother jumped from her chair and lifted up her skirt. She then pulled down her panties and threw a glass of water over her behind". "I see..." said the girl. The boy then says "Your dad leant your mum over the couch and did her from behind. He then sat back down and placed match sticks under his eyelids".

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mum was simply saying "Are you going to get this arsehole a drink?" And dad replied "No, fuck you. I'm watching the match!"


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A couple was invited to a swanky mask party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, she whispered a little proposition in her ear and he agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there". Then she asked "Did you dance much?" He replied "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all night. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...!!"


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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there".

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes". Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man". "I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you. I'll go get you a dirty fork". The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli".

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man". Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you". The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!?"


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Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Robert tells his driver "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happen".

One hour later, Robert sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"What happen to you?" Robert asks. "Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me". "My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.

"The driver answered "Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig".


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Just like a girl trying to prove her love, this week's Reader Mail should go down quite nicely...

if you would like to be an Orsm submitter and maybe even have your stuff featured in next weeks Reader Mail then stop wasting your time and send me something! Stuff we love includes naked pics of an Ex, crazy videos, jokes, pics of any shape, form or taste and pretty much any other random retarded stuff you have lying around. All you gotta do is click here and send, send, send!

mike wrote:
Subject: An osprey in action
Nature at it's finest! This is quite a video. She must have had babies in her nest. Quite a few, matter of fact to eat that much. Osprey are in the eagle family, so are quite strong. This is truly incredible video. I can't believe this Osprey got 5-6 fish at a time, then got a flounder under 3' of water, and then made off with what looks to be a 5+ lb. steelhead. I've never seen a bird shake water off like a dog does - wouldn't want to get in the way of him when he's got his eyes locked and his talons in the "load" position! Its talons are amazing! There are 3 sequences in this one video: 1st sequence he catches half a dozen fish in one strike. 2nd sequence he plunges talons into deep water right to the bottom to grab his prey. 3rd sequence he captures a big old fish that looks as if it weighs more than he does!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Just had to send this on
application for job

I'm torn between wanting the letter to be real and hoping its not. -Orsm

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tu wrote:
Subject: ORSM plate from the states
Been a reader for years, saw this and thought yes, Orsm is a god. Cheers.

Absolutely no doubt in my mind that this plate was registered to honour me. -Orsm

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Colin wrote:
Subject: Chalk
Why you should keep a piece of chalk in your car.

Even though I'm not one of them, people park like that to avoid unthinking and uncaring fucktards from opening their doors against their cars. Not fool proof because sometimes it may be necessary to go beyond chalk lines. -Orsm

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Greg wrote:
Subject: Douchebag parking
Is there a special section in the douchebag parking files for Camry drivers? I think there should be.

Nope. All idiots are treated equally regardless of the car they drive. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sandstorm
Sandstorm in Dubai yesterday...

"Ah FUCK! I just washed my car!" -Orsm

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Brian wrote:
Subject: She remembers you
I was taking my walk this morning and met a girl who said that she remembered you from High School. Said she had feelings for you then, and apparently still does. She asked if I could contact you and if so, she would like to see you again. I snapped a quick photo with my cell phone: Not her ... the one on the bench in the background !
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Thought you might like this

The day contextual advertising went too far. -Orsm

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Jd wrote:
Subject: power of your mind...
Check the power of your brain !! Excellent!

Actually works. -Orsm

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Anthony wrote:
Subject: I dont understand why i got a F
I love the old quote: "Examinations are formidable things, for the greatest fool can ask more than the wisest man can answer". Demonstrates how difficult it is to ask unambiguous questions.
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Great Picture of C17 on final approach
If you like aircraft, this is for you. Here is an amazing shot of a Boeing C-17 Globemaster III on final approach.

Where? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Soon we will all be drones
Hey mate, front page off the Telegraph website - two stories point to a bleak future for us all! "I am not a number!" No names etc - cheers mate, keep up the fine work, Thursdays wouldn't be the same without ya!

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sean wrote:
Subject: mmmmm my gross arse lick
from a supermarket shopfront near Istanbul airport somehow, i think of Orsm.net when i see it

Gross anal lick makes you think of Orsm? -Orsm

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Justin wrote:
Subject: Joshuas wife was kidnapped ...doing OK...love to the kids
Joshua my darling, As soon as I arrived in Mali I was taken hostage by local fundamentalists. Please do not be worried!! I am treated well. So please be strong, and do not pay any ransom to my kidnappers!!! Please do not contact the Police and do not condone the actions of my kidnappers. I am attaching a picture of me as a hostage so you know I'm okay." Love Linda
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robert wrote:
Subject: lollies
Found these treats in the confectionary section of a corner store in Darwin. Cheers Mr ORSM

I like to put them in my mouth. -Orsm

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psycheman wrote:
Subject: Cumming Kids not in the plan
Mr. Orsm, Here's one for your WTF? file, or random shite... Found this on MSN Saturday a.m. what a HOOT!

We should probably be grateful. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny Road Sign
Hey, I am a great fan of your site for the last 2 years and I finally came up with a sign you might not have seen before. I saw this sign on the Ice Road (Dalton Highway) in Alaska on our vacation. Please do not show my info.
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Big tits on Melb chick

Indeed... -Orsm

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Jd wrote:
Subject: Giant Concrete Arrows
Very interesting. A bit more challenging to do over an ocean. This Really Exists: Giant Concrete Arrows That Point Your Way Across America...

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Pass The Butter ... Please.
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back.

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Gene wrote:
Subject: Getting older!
Some of us age gracefully and others just age! enjoy looking at these.....I feel better already:]

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Dog was bored. evil little fucker.

It's only cute when someone elses dog does it. -Orsm

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xitz wrote:
This is in NYC on Madison Ave – not Iran, Yemen, Jordan etc. A Christian Nation cannot put up a Christmas scene of the baby Jesus in a public place, or play CAROLS in a store, or teach the Christmas story in schools... But Muslims can stop normal traffic every Friday afternoon by worshiping in the streets. Something is happening in America that is reminiscent of what is happening in Europe..... And will eventually replicate around the world. This is Political Correctness gone crazy... Something has gone amuck BIG TIME! Scary! Isn't it? Is there a message here???? Yes, there is, for America is being claimed for Allah. If we don't wake up soon, we are going to "politically correct" ourselves right out Of every formerly Christian country! DO you want this to happen?

Rick wrote:
Subject: Reader Submission
I bought a phone on ebay and found these pics on it. Enjoy. Ladies when you sell your phone please do not delete any nude pics. In fact take a few before you send it. orsm will make you famous.

Sensational butt. -Orsm

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James wrote:
Subject: Emailing
crazy head shot

Viral marketing campaign apparently. -Orsm

click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Upload my video?
Hi there :) My boyfriend is an active follower of your site, I was wondering if you could post this video of me, dedicated to him? His name is Dan P. His pants will hit the floor if he saw it! I'd like to be kept anonymous please :) Keep up the good work!

Dan if it doesn't work out then there's a few of us who would like to get in on that. -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said "I told you before, sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"


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Your 20's are the building blocks of your championship, so build toward greatness. Don't fall into a trap of holding a weak mentality, and living your life without passion, purpose, and dedication. The phrase "If Only" is for those who hold fear more than faith, and who put more weight on excuses, than present blessings. One decision can develop into a habit, and the habits you form create your reality. Here are 10 choices that carry significant weight. Learn to be conscious of the decisions you make so you can do your best to live like a champion:

If the face you always show the world is a mask, someday there will be nothing beneath it. Because when you spend too much time concentrating on everyone else's perception of you, or who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are. So don't fear the judgments of others; you know in your heart who you are and what's true to you. You don't have to be perfect to impress and inspire people. Let them be impressed and inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.

The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find. A big part of this is your decision to stay true to your own goals and dreams. Do you have people who disagree with you? Good. It means you're standing your ground and walking your own path. Sometimes you'll do things considered crazy by others, but when you catch yourself excitedly losing track of time, that's when you'll know you're doing the right thing. Read The 4-Hour Workweek.

Don't let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you. Don't let them get to you. They can't pull the trigger if you don't hand them the gun. When you remember that keeping the company of negative people is a choice, instead of an obligation, you free yourself to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead of anxiety.

A life filled with loving deeds and good character is the best tombstone. Those who you inspired and shared your love with will remember how you made them feel long after your time has expired. So carve your name on hearts, not stone. What you have done for yourself alone dies with you; what you have done for others and the world remains.

If you want to know your past look into your present conditions. If you want to know your future look into your present actions. You must let go of the old to make way for the new; the old way is gone, never to come back. If you acknowledge this right now and take steps to address it, you will position yourself for lasting success. See the book The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business.

There are no failures, just results. Even if things don't unfold the way you had expected, don't be disheartened or give up. Learn what you can and move on. The one who continues to advance one step at a time will win in the end. Because the battle is always won far away and long before the final victory. It's a process that occurs with small steps, decisions, and actions that gradually build upon each other and eventually lead to that glorious moment of triumph.

Life should be touched, not strangled. Sometimes you've got to relax and let life happen without incessant worry and micromanagement. Learn to let go a little before you squeeze too tight. Take a deep breath. When the dust settles and you can once again see the forest for the trees, take the next step forward. You don't have to know exactly where you're going to be headed somewhere great. Everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not. It just takes some time to connect all the dots.

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve. Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before. Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again. Don't settle.

The trouble is, you always think you have more time than you do. But one day you will wake up and there won't be any more time to work on the things you've always wanted to do. And at that point you either will have achieved the goals you set for yourself, or you will have a list of excuses for why you haven't. Read Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture.

The world doesn't owe you anything, you owe the world something. So stop daydreaming and start DOING. Develop a backbone, not a wishbone. Take full responsibility for your life - take control. You are important and you are needed. It's too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday. Someday is now; the somebody the world needs is YOU.


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An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon, she said... "Fuck off! They're for the funeral".


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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only say one thing. They say 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' and keep repeating it all the time". "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought a moment.

"You know" he said "I may have a solution. I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two over and we'll put them I the cage together and Frank and Jacob will teach them to pray and worship". "Thank you" the woman responded "this may well be the solution".

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw two male parrots holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her two parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"


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One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbour's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me, our man stammered, but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is". "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbour replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts".

The burly gorilla was about to deck our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments. Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside.

"Okay" the husband said gruffly "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits". At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse. The twin objects of desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand and proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled.

"I can't" replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars".


Well fuckers I'm done and outta here. If you're new to these parts then I urge you to read the following. If you're not new and still haven't figured it out then all hope faded long ago...

-Check out the site archives. 13 motherfucking years of motherfucking updates. Go look. Go look now!
-Next update will be next Thursday [weather permitting].
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will implicate you as the mastermind in an elaborate drug manufacturing operation in New Mexico. Despite a brilliant effort to fight back, ultimately the tables will be turned against you before being unceremoniously executed and buried in a desert hole somewhere.

-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Hank. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.09.12-19.42

Welcome to Orsm.net. It's okay lah!

As we smash through the 13 year mark since I started this thing some point in or around this month, I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic. Some of you have been around from the very beginning, the Priceless days, the commandeering all my friends' webhosting on iiNet's servers to build Orsm into something bigger days, for god knows how many hundreds of updates that has consumed tens of thousands of hours of my life. Has definitely been a few adventures in there too - cars, moving out of home, dog, insane family antics, travel, girls, basically all the usual shit that fat white people do with their lives. Whether or not I'll be here in another 13 remains to be seen but stranger things have happened. I had planned to do some 'best of' stuff but haven't quite managed to get around to it. Will try again close to Xmas but no promises...

House build has been a dominant topic this week. We're now well and truly moving and its taking a substantial chunk of my time. Thankfully though a magpie has assumed the role of waking me each day, singing its stupidface song right outside the bedroom window at 5am. Basically the perfect alarm clock... except it goes off 2 fucking hours early. If you're reading this magpie - WHY? Anyway as I was saying... the early wakeups mean I can work for a while then get to site by 7am to snap placate the neighbours, annoy the tradies and make out like I know what's going on. The best part is we finally have some walls up... and that was after being told to expect a long wait for bricklayers so bit of a 'fuck yeah' moment when they started Tuesday. Of course this meant a mad rush to get cement and bricks and whatever else onsite at short notice. Managed that but they sent a large team of guys who pumped through the job in no time so everything has now ground to a halt again while we wait for structural steel to arrive. And on it has gone. The lesson for this week is that the building industry is as frustrating as being in a public place with an itchy bunghole.

Moving on... feel like we got a bit played on Friday night. Were out and about in the city for a friend's birthday drinks when the lure of night-time dim sum dragged us away. Walking down the main drag I spotted a girl sitting in a door way with a sign begging for money. I'm not a fan of handing over cash but happy to offer [healthy] food. Stopped and talked to her, she asked for a kebab and as we walked off to get one, pointed out she was pregnant. Return a few minutes later with food and drink and had a chat. Turns out that she was not in fact homeless at all, rather she would be soon - her dad, obviously a great guy, had threatened to throw her out if she didn't contribute to the rent. It was his idea that she go beg in the city. Clearly she wasn't a genius and getting a job maybe hadn't occurred to her. Nor had quitting her pack a day smoking habit, despite what it may be doing to her unborn child. This is the reason I get uncomfortable with charity. People are fucked.

Saturday was Election Day. We made it to the polling place by 10ish and joined the couple-of-hundred person long line. Thankfully it moved quickly which meant only about 10 minutes of trying not to show my disdain for idiots volunteers passing out how to vote cards for Green's and Labor candidates. From there was a family breakfast thing, shopping and home to change into work clothes ahead of a few hours working at the building site. Jack hammering, shovelling, sweeping and a few blisters took me through to dusk. That night was one of those rare occasions where I was left to my own devices. The GF was off at a hen's party ogling male strippers so sat around watching the election coverage without so much as a "Can we watch something else?". With the result known weeks [or was it years?] before the election was even held, it was exceptionally unexhilarating but relaxing nonetheless.

Woke up sore and achy Sunday. Eventually dragged ourselves out for a walk along the coast which was a triumph for perving. Home for some motherfucking eggs next then quickly out the door again, destination - back to the building site to finish the clean-up. Can safely say I was productive, and that was in spite of interruptions from neighbours on both sides, a real estate agent wanting to list the houses, one guy looking for a plumber, and a couple of others just taking an interest. I'ma love to stay and chat but can you all please just fuck off.

Home mid-arvo, sunburnt and tired I embarked on a quest to clean the car. No idea what happened but somewhere between various visitors and whatever else all I managed was to get it vacuumed. And that was it. Weekend over. Feel like it was a foreshadowing of my future for the next year or two as well...

Okay enough with the uninspiring words. If its your first time here then please understand that updates definitely get better after I've finished speaking... and that starts now. Check it...

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Bloxon - Meltdown - Funny Prank - Dawg Party - Heartwarming - Wild Chase - Mind Blowing - Whore Fails - No Standards

Badass Dude - Ali Rose - Hawt Nerd - Cam Fucking - Cougaring - Bizarro-gasm - Crazy Eyes - Gun Babe - Mud Slut

Headcase Ho - Unlucky - See-Thru - Eel Pussy - Deep Throats - Boobs PSA - Obliterated - Chunks - Did Good - Give It!

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all" says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief" says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar".
--I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer, for the price of 2".
The biggest difference between men and women, is what comes to mind when they hear the word "facial".
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it.
I was in the gym changing room when I saw a bloke watching me dry my bum. I warned my mate that there was a weirdo about. He said that maybe it was probably innocent and he was just waiting to use the hand dryers.
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a Priest come in. "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". The Priest replies "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".


A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and notices a guy across the room downing shot after shot of whiskey. After about 6 shots the man gets up, goes to the window, opens it and jumps out. The man at the bar, shocked, runs to the window and looks down. Right before the man is going to hit the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground.

The man sits back down at the bar, amazed. Then the guy that had jumped out the window comes in and downs a few more shots, goes to the window, and jumps out.

Again, right before he hits the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground.

A minute later he's back up in the bar. The man sitting at the bar asks him how he did that. He said "There's a lot of wind down there and it always sets you down with no harm done. What the hell, I'm a daring guy..."

So the man gets up, goes to the window, jumps out and falls to the ground straight to his death! The other man bursts out laughing. Then bartender then says to him "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"


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-As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. --John Glenn
-Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin". --Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
-When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said "Let us pray". We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. --Desmond Tutu
-I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall". --Eleanor Roosevelt
-America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. --David Letterman
-Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. --Mark Twain
-I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire. --Howard Hughes
-After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. --Italian proverb
-The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns
-Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. --Betsy Salkind
-Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. --Victor Borge
-The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. --Jean Kerr
-Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. --Mark Twain
-You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. --Jeff Foxworthy
-By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --Socrates
-When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. --Prince Philip
-I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx
-Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. --Harrison Ford
-My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. --Jimmy Durante
-The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. --Spike Milligan
-I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. --Zsa Zsa Gabor
-Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. --Robin Hall
-Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. --Alex Levine
-Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. --Jean Rostand.
-My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. --Rodney Dangerfield
-Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. --Arnold Schwarzenegger.
-Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. --Spike Milligan
-We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. --WH Auden
-Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. --Joe Namath
-In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. --Jonathan Katz
-I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. --Bob Hope
-If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. --Johnny Carson
-I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. --W. C. Fields
-I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical. --Arthur C. Clarke
-We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. --Will Rogers
-Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. --Steve Martin
-Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. --Winston Churchill
-Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. --Jimmy Durante
-Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. --Phyllis Diller
-America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. --Doug Hamwell
-By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. --Billy Crystal
-The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. --George Roberts
-If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. --Jonathan Winters
-I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. --Robert Benchley


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Two men are walking down the street when they spot an elderly gentleman walking funnily towards them.

The first man says "There poor old fella has arthritis". His mate replies "No, not arthritis. That's a curved spine. He must have been in a bad accident in his younger days".

They approach the elderly gent to settle their argument.

"Excuse me" says the first man "But me and my friend are both in the medical profession, and he believes you have a curved spine, whereas I think you have severe arthritis. Can you explain why you walk the way you do?"

The elderly man looks at them and says "I used to be in the medical profession myself, and thought it was a fart. It looks like we're all wrong".


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The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

"I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.... or you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question".

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky. All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

The mayor took a breath, steadied himself, looked the man squarely in the eye and asked "Do you have a blue Muslim?"


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There was a small church in Nempnett Thrubwell, Somerset, England, that had a very big-busted organist, by the name of Bunty. Bunty's breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female.

The very proper church ladies of the WI were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached Bunty, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons "Because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week!"

Bunty the perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples.

The following Sunday morning Tarquin the Vicar got up in the pulpit and said... "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday".


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A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:

"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first, from the USA, says "My answer is... there is NO answer".

The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the supplied information ".

The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

The Scotsman got the job.

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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily "Fix the light? Now!? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!".

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which he replied "Fix the fridge door? Now!? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Fine" she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break". "I'm not a bloody carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps!" he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of you, silly woman. I'm going to the pub!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks up to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd all this get fixed?" She said "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake".

He said "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied "Hellooooo... do you see Sarah Lee written on my forehead!?"


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I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it corn or a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) it should not be difficult to get up to it, toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) hog tie it with a rope and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely-looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education.

The first thing I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer - no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slowly and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognise that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in.

I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set beforehand... kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I would have never in a million years thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head... almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behaviour for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognise that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting, they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds!!

All of these events are true... An Educated Farmer


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Tom, Dick and Harry were three explorers that were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief said to them "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit".

So the three guys scampered into the woods.

After a little while Tom came back first with 10 apples. The Chief explained the trial to him "You must shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you will be eaten".

The first apple was okay, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed, eaten, and went to heaven.

Dick came back with 10 berries, and the chief explained the trial to him as well. Dick didn't think it should be too tough, and began: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, but on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was immediately killed and eaten.

Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asked "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" With a smile Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. When I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples I just lost it..."

SELFIES? Selfies! Selfies? Selfies! Selfies! Selfies!

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A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. You can't fix stupid.



-Check out the site archives. 13 years of what you've just experienced except probably better.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Two days before my birthday. Presents go here.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will do an apprenticeship in, then get a job as a hairdresser just so he can ruin your partners hair.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and sorry I'm such a cunt. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.09.05-19.19

Welcome to Orsm.net. Why is mandarin juice not more readily available?

Struggling to stay focussed. To be expected after a week off... even though it was more like a couple of days rather than a whole week. Regardless, you inevitably have that drunken, 5am on a Monday moment where you think to yourself "Wish I could do this every day". Returning to the daily grind and subsequent realisation your wish aint coming true is when you begin to re-hate the world. Like all the girls that I've left in my wake found out, some things are harder to get over than others. And that brings me to where I am now - lack of attention, apathy and a general resentment. Strangely these are the times from which I feel better updates are borne - some sort of positive angsty something. Everything goes into overdrive in the hours approaching deadline and ultimately I'm happier with the result. Whether or not you guys are could be an entirely different answer so feel free not to feed my back on that one...

Okay so I don't want to harp on this but as it's the second time I've ever mentioned it I'm probably good so here goes - whatever you do this weekend DON'T VOTE GREEN. Their batshit insane agenda stands in stark opposition to common sense and as we've seen time and again over the last 6 years, with even a whiff of power, they're a destructive force. I'm doubt the other political options are going to be out of this world better but no way they can be worse. So to sum up: DON'T VOTE GREEN!

And while we're on the subject of elections and campaigns... interesting how much more Facebook has been utilised this time around. With the ability for political parties to engage us by promoting lies and propaganda directly to our newsfeeds, recipients of those ads may be the only ones who've worked out it can go both ways. What used to be Joe Fuckface swearing opinions pointlessly at a TV in the confines of his own home can now easily be shared with all the other idiots targeted by the same ad. It flows thick and fast so who actually reads what is probably fairly limited but the general sentiment for each policy or idea is easy to work out within the space of a few comments. Entertaining and eye-opening best sums up the misinformation, abuse and white knighting that goes on but I can't see how it benefits them to allow it. Surely the inability to comment on posts has a less detrimental affect than tens of thousands of negative comments from disenchanted voters who didn't want your crap clogging up their newsfeed?

Alright if you're still with me let's move on... on to how I wasted my weekend. Saturday was uneventful. Stayed in bed because I didn't have to be up and then just hung out. Still not getting used to that happening lately. Eventually dragged myself out the door to find a Father's Day present and acquire groceries before ending up at a friend's place to babysit. A few hours of being dragged around by and reading to a 3 year-old ensued, I learnt about cubby houses and how to water the pavement. Very educational.

If you've ever been to Perth then you probably left wondering how cafes can get away with charging $18 for bad service, mediocre motherfucking eggs and a piece of dry toast. And that is how Sunday started, bright and early on the coast for breakfast with the fam to acknowledge Father's Day.

From there we headed south to Mandurah to take care of the next round of commitments. Had some time to kill so took the old way, the route people would take before the highways superseded them, through the Bad Lands, south of south of the river. Eck. Whilst vaguely familiar, what stood out most was that cunts cannot drive. Want to drive 15kmh under the speed limit in the right hand lane whilst texting? Do it! Or how about change lanes without indicating? Not as if being considerate to other road users is important. Frustrated, I gave it a shot. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em right? Gliding lane to lane without so much as a troublesome couple-of-inch hand movement onto my indicator was the most alive I've felt for years. All I can say is wow the exhilaration!

Still chockers from breakfast, lunch was unnecessary. Ended up in yet another café near a beach, enjoyed another forgettable meal, chatted, dropped everyone back at their cars and headed for home. And that was about it... an unremarkable but pleasant day spent with family and weekend over.

Okay that should do with the waffle. If its your first time here and you made it this far without closing the browser window then don't stress. Shit is about to get good in the form of a very awesome new update. Check it...

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Convey - The Game - Want My Nugs!! - So F-ing White - Bull Fucked - BMX Bandits - Consequences - Would You Hit It?

Annihilation - That's Love - Drug Dick - Disagreement - Emo Babe - Double BJ - Too Skinny? - What A Guy - Cry Baby

Side Boob - My Bad - Talent - Pwned! - She Cums - Squished - LOVE Her - WHAM! - Premature - Missed - Oh Mandy

Eat whatever you want, and if someone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.
BREAKING NEWS: Kevin RUDD will NOT be running for election in 2013 due to the brain tumour found during his recent colonoscopy.
We all remember the KFC "Julia Meal" - sSmall breasts and big thighs. Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners. It's called the "Krudd" Bucket - it consists of nothing but left wings and an arsehole.
A tourist parked his car in downtown Canberra. He said to a man standing near the curb "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realise that I am a member of the Australian Labor Government?" "Well, no" the tourist said "I didn't realise that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway".
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on. It doesn't matter to me. I just love it!" Eyes now wide with interest, he responds... "No kidding, I'm in the Australian Labor Party too! What branch are you from?"
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. Frantic, she calls out a mayday. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. "Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position". She says "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat and I vote Labor". "Okay" says the voice on the radio... "Repeat after me - our father... who art in heaven..." --A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do". "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor. "I couldn't pick them up"...
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor phones and say: "Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes?" Paddy says "Nice one, when do I fight him?"
There was this guy who was sick, so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered. "I'm going to need to run a few more tests" the doctor said. "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a faecal sample". After she hung up the husband asked "What did the doctor say?" "He needs a pair of your underwear".



-A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear" she groans to her husband. The husband calls 000 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear" says the husband calmly "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all" says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through".

-A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says "An 8-iron, father. How about you? "The priest says "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray". The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down".

-Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did". The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know - five, six, maybe seven times... just put me down for a five".

-A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked "Are you a good golfer? The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

-The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

-A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Mickelson replied "The holes are numbered".

-A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore" says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second "you had plenty of time to yell 'OH, SHIT!"

-Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied "Probably golfing with his mates".

-A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says "Don't you see the sign? It says 'Private property - Stay Out!'" The golfer says "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?" The man says "It's in my yard now so it's my ball". The golfer looks at the man and says "I understand". He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard. The man asks "Why did you do that?" The golfer replies "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls".

-Taking advantage of a balmy day, four priests swapped their clerical garb for polo's and khakis and took some time out on the golf course. After several shots their caddy asked "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are" one cleric replied. "But how did you know?" "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language".

-One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here". Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter, Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron".

-A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting. Apologetically she says "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help!" One of the men immediately replies "Now, you see, that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead".

-Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready.

-Did you hear about the long delays on a golf course outside Washington, DC? Seems like there was a foursome playing that was taking forever to get around the course. The group consisted of Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. According to observers, the problems they were having were attributable to typical problems faced by the novice golfer - Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton is never sure which hole he's supposed to be playing.

-During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard President Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Scottish born caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies: "Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver". The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says "Wrong end".

-What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball...

-When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake". Inspired by my story, the doctor said "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!" "No" I replied "I'm just a shitty golfer".

-Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" "Feels great" he replied. "But I still think my thumb's broken!"

- A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado. "What's wrong?" a woman asked. "I just lost a game to Houlihan" the pro said. "What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?" "He tricked me!" the pro said. "On the first tee he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said 'Just give me two gotchas'". "What's a gotcha?" asked the woman. "That's what I wanted to know" the pro said. "Houlihan said 'You'll see'. Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'" "I can guess what happened" the woman said. "Sure" the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely". "Understandable" the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?" The pro answered "You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second 'gotcha'!"


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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said "We've got to give it back". Sally said "Finders keepers". She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" Sally said "No".

Andy said "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning". Andy said "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday"...

The first police officer turned to his partner and said "We're outta here!"


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It has finally arrived... the 2014 football scouting report. The following is currently making the rounds of Division 1 football coaches:

6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Demands a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.  Signed with Tennessee.

6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm. Signed with Mississippi State.

6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler, Texas. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colours to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick". Signed with the University of Houston.

6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said sumpin' bad 'bout my Momma". On his entrance form, he listed his IQ as 20/20. Signed with the University of Texas.

6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 24 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska's helmets stands for "Nowledge" but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's. Signed with the University of Oregon.

6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges, but was also willing to sign with us. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company. Signed with University of Miami.

6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville, Fl. Doesn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.) Signed with the University of Florida.

NOTE: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting pistol at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.


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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No way!" he said while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited...

"Go look in the garage"...


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If you've never submitted something then don't be shy - I never publish an email address unless you specifically ask or the sender is a complete and utter fuckwit. So what am I looking for? What am I not looking for would be more like it - someone who is messy, can't cook, has a bad attitude, has small boobs and a smelly cunt are definite non no's... and I just remembered we're talking abour Reader Mail here so what I AM looking for is just about anything you can attach, staple or stab to an email including funny videos, ex or current girlfriend pornography, jokes, random pictures or pretty much anything you think is entertaining. All you must do is click here and make it happen.

Zippy wrote:
Subject: whatever this is, is very cool
Morning Orsm. The video you posted is an example of the Lichtenber figure. Its achieved by bombarding an acylic block with high speed electrons which are 'captured inside the acylic as a negative charge. Striking the edge of the acylic with a nail will cause the negative electrons to escape and in doing so leave a pattern in the acrylic. Hope that helps

Curtis wrote:
Subject: Funniest video I have ever seen
G'day Mr. Orsm, This is literally the funniest video I have ever seen. I have been laughing my ass off for the last 5 minutes - absolutely insane! Keep up the great work - hope your house constructing is going smoother than it was!

Thus proving over-consumption of whale, dolphin etc fucks up your brain. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Where's this photo been hiding?
You probably won't remember a Melbourne Late Show and Victorian Premier - Joan Kirner's rendition of Joan Jett's - "I Love Rock and Roll". But look closely at the leather mini-skirt clad "go-go dancer" girl ogling her – star struck! What's more scary? Joan Kirner in a leather jacket or Julia Gillard in a leather mini-skirt?

The most disgusting thing I have ever seen. -Orsm

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Kev Up North..
Here is the best expression of "a picture is worth a thousand words" you will ever see. Check out the enthralled faces in the crowd - and the dog at the bottom!

This sums up almost the entire Australian electorate. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hi mr orsm!
I thought your viewers would appreciate this image.. came across this on facebook!!pls hide details

This guy should play the lead in the next Human Centipede film. Creep factor champion. -Orsm

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Kel wrote:
Subject: Doesnt take long
I HIRD he was going to a coaching job for west coast
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random shit?
Orsm, Long time fan. I'm sure you get plenty of pics of idiots carrying something home from the local building supply who don't own a truck or know someone who has one. Saw this one on a freeway. No deet's please.

Frank wrote:
Subject: Emailing
funny add! for a free bike!

I want it just for the pedal brakes. Made it so easy to do skids! -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Bed for sale. Please don't post my details.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Lovely lady lumps
My lady's sexy round ass in action... Love the site, hide my details

Tip for submitters: no tits make baby Orsm cry. -Orsm

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Edson wrote:
Subject: Photo
Hi ,please put this photo on orsm!

Usually just delete emails like this but I'm stumped. WTF and why? -Orsm

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Rick wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Friggin Next Time
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: No details.
Just a slut I fucked

Okay who else sees the respiratory system? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fathers day gift
Dunno, but I don't reckon my ol' man would be too interested in this as father's day present.... Please hide my details...
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T- Bone wrote:
Subject: pic
Frogger.....reality edition
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nice view
Hello Mr Orsm. Love you site. I spotted this fox along the boardwalk last weekend in St Catherines Ontario Canada. Took a nice hip shot of her Thought I should share the wealth. Please hide my details.
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Tony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I think her cameraman hates her...
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Even had corrosive sign on it.
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tony wrote:
Subject: pix and vids
Hi orsm here are some pix and vids of my ex they have been on orsm before but I love seeing my stuff on here and thought new viewers might like to see them hope you can use them. Cheers
Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Astonishing Facts About Cars.....
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PW's Slut wrote:
Subject: Reader submission from PW's Slut
Hey there Orsm :) Myself & Boyfriend are avid Orsm readers and I just wanted to surprise him by submitting these photos of myself. I just adore being his dirty little slut and I hope he enjoys the surprise of finding my photos here. I hope you like them too. If there are good comments then I'll be sure to post some more. Thanks

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xitz wrote:
We all think of the Titanic as a big ocean liner... well, at least until we see the below comparison. Titanic is in foreground. Allure of the Seas Cruise Ship in background. [continues]

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Kel wrote:
Subject: What do you think? Are These Boat People Really Refugees?
They look more like economic refugees who want to come here for our lifestyle and social security system. How can some do-gooder naïve people in Australia say people such as these need shelter. They look like they have had a very nice life wherever they have lived, but hey, maybe they have been tortured and have managed to escape, with their tattoos and fake nails & time to pick up plenty of luggage. So have a look at another boat load of poor vulnerable and starving 'refugees' arriving on Christmas Island, they look more like 'under cover' mercenaries.

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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Incredible pics....

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Kel wrote:
Subject: New Caravan..............
Any one ready for a camping holiday ???? WERE OFF OUT BUSH CAMPING IN OUR NEW RIG...

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Phil wrote:
Good morning, Please see attached video of my mate Dan copying a Rhino from a David Attenborough documentary. The only problem was he was off-roading for the weekend and the site had no running water so he had no way off washing himself down and had to sit in the English sun until it dried and then pick it off... Dan also has a small penis, but you cannot see that in the video!
click to watch video
Jd wrote:
Subject: Helicopter loop
I reckon all aboard are deceased. I'm not disputing that modern helicopters today cannot pull this feat off, but you gotta have some ground clearance.
click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say '99'".

The old guy obeys and says "99". The doctor says "Great now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say '99'".

Again, the old guy says "99'". The doctor said "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say '99'.

The old guy begins "One... two... three"...


A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence "Get well soon from the nurse in the Land Rover you booked for speeding last week".


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The debate of how and will the one sex will function without the other has been ongoing for generations. We are now going to solve it once and for all. First we look at the world without men...

The power goes off. All electrical devices are now useless. Many trucks laden with food sit idle. Supermarket shelves are left unstocked.

Women in towns are starving. The economy is dead. Women are forming gangs to loot whatever food is left and kill anyone that opposes them. 10% are now dead.

Hardly anyone is left alive in the cities. Women forage for any food they can get. The buildings are falling apart. 90% are dead

99% of the population is dead

The last female died 50 years ago. Nature has taken over the planet

Now let's look at the world without women...

Chaos ensues in all businesses. The work force has all but disappeared. Credit card companies and banks lose 89% of their clientele.

Female retail stores close, 95% of shoe stores close. Other stores still open and trading normal. Electricity gas and other utilities continue to function.

Retailers show a downturn in profit by 70%. Men now have more money to spend and are starting to think on what to spend the extra money on: new car, boat, fishing gear. The government is talking about reducing taxes Stock market is gaining ground.

The government has halved the tax rate from the previous year and still has a massive surplus. There is a boom in leisure activities.

Scientist in Tokyo, Paris and London discover how to clone human cells to make babies. A new generation of humans is already on the way. Life is getting better.

The lifespan of man has increased by 15 years due to lack of stress.


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Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me".

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home".

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him" says Goldberg.

CUTE girls are cute

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There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.


And in closing I would like to say...

-Check out the site archives otherwse you'll never get butter again.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Damn tootin'.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will vote Green's.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please stop looking at my crotch, ya fag.Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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