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September 2014...
orsmupdate 2014.09.25-20.25

Welcome to how do I get insects to like me?

Let's try again. It's been a tedious week, one in which I had to mentally prepare myself to possibly delay the update for a few days. Hate, hate, hate, doing that. Except for the week or two every Xmas holidays, it's pretty fucking rare to miss one. May as well be good at something right...? The reason for this is the whole server fiasco/debacle. I wasn't cool going through another week with the old machine barely chugging along and able to pump out Orsm videos. Unbelievably it's taken this long, like literally the hour before this update went up, to get the new server configured and serving files. Absolutely no one's fault in particular... its just that sometimes you must navigate a buttload of people to get anything done. Kind of like a bureaucracy that forms solely to spite your efforts. It's probably better to pat ourselves on the back that it got done this quickly... or at all. The annoying part is I haven't had enough time to properly test everything so there's a teensy weensy chance you guys may encounter problems. We'll continue to monitor and tune but if you run into anything please direct all horribly abusive emails to webmaster@orsm.net.

Moving on to other shit. I've just about had enough of anything involving the words Muslim, Islamic State, ISIL, ISIS, Iraq, Syria, terror, terrorist, and terrorists. Please. Make. It. Stop. I've given this basically 0 thought but surely the simplest way would be for EVERYONE to convert to Islam so those fuckwits don't have anything left to complain about. Hopefully at that point they'll all pack up and go home.

The past weekend was my birthday weekend. Whoop-dee-doo right? If I'm being honest there was no chance of partying and alcohol abuse from the get go. Far too busy, haven't seen my friends in so long I forget who they are and there was also the little problem of being well and truly whacked with some sort of cold or virus. It kicked in Friday and hit full stregth Saturday. The one time I left the house all last week, Wednesday I think it was, maybe 20 minutes of outside contact, that's when I was contaminated. Cunts. So Saturday wasn't entirely awesome. Woke up feeling like death after it had been killed, reanimated, killed again, reanimated again and then beheaded by Islamic terrorists from ISIL in Syria. Was supposed to do stuff at the house all morning. Managed 30 minutes and bailed. The next event was lunch for someone elses birthday. She'd chosen a smörgåsbord restaurant in the city. Was eager to partake as this was once a favourite and undoubtedly a key factor in weight gain many years ago. Good times. Sadly the Swedish Miss has lost her way and there was barely a single thing worth gorging oneself on.

The next event was a little gathering in a park next to the beach. Pretty much perfect conditions too - the hottest September day in 96,047 years. Us, sis and her fam, couple of friends with their kids, some fish and chips and that was about it. Couldn't even drink a beer due to codeine cold and flu tablets floating around in my system. Spent the night at home catching up with a mate fighting the tired and hoping whoever gave it to me had suffered even worse.

Sunday was the actual birthday. Thankfully woke up feeling a bit better and celebrated that by staying in bed all morning enjoying the rain storm which had descended to deliver a big fuck you to everyone who foolishly believed summer had come early based on the previous days weather. We eventually left the house around lunchtime to go have breakfast. Motherfucking eggs its been too long. Remember the girls whose b'day lunch we went to the day before? Well now she was having a party. *shrug* Someone holding 2 events to celebrate an insignificant birthday had me hyperaware that there may have been plans afoot to do some sort of lameass surprise thing. That's bad because I f-ing hate surprise things... but you never want to say anything in case you're wrong. Happily I was and it was actually a second celebration for an insignificant birthday. Speaking of detective work, successfully guessed my present in less than 2 seconds. Anyone else out there who takes far more pleasure guessing what's under the wrapping than receiving the gift? Booya.

The only other interesting thing to come of it was the culmination of another wholly unscientific social experiment. I have a little over 200 Facebook friends and like so many others it's a mix of loved ones, friends, people I hate and people I interact with in no capacity whatsoever. So the goal for the past year was to wish a happy birthday to every single one of them and see how many happy birthdays came back... and that number was 34. From this we can theorise that a) I'm deeply disliked; b) majority of 'friends' have me hidden from their newsfeeds; c) everyone was too busy enjoying Sunday to be on FB; d) no one cares.

Alright enough of the waffling. In my head I sound far more animated and interesting than I probably do to you guys. Suck shit on that one. You could have scrolled down! Check it...

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Oh FFS!!The Most Terrifying Wasp Vs Tarantula Fight Ever - Legend!!Live Newscast Ruined By Perfectly Timed Drive-By Videobomb - Fappening #2The Fappening 2: The 2nd Coming Is Here - Amateur GirlsA Buttload Of Pictures Of Real Amateur Girls. All Hot Ones! - UNfappening!?A SFW Response From Artists Over The Leaked Celebrity Nudes Scandal - Who's U2?This Website Dedicated To iTunes Users Who Have Never Heard Of U2 - Hard WorkThe Not So Easy Process Of Installing Wi-Fi On A Plane - TransformedWhen When 80's Electro Synth And Drug Abuse Combine You Had Better Watch Out! - El PapelPrepare To Be Unbearably Addicted To This Ridiculously Engrossing Game

Blob's StoryA Physics-Puzzle Game That'll Break Your Brain Is Just One Click Away - Epic TitsTessa Fowler Is Wet, Naked And Sudsy In The Shower - Nips SlipOla Jordan Areola Peek In Lace Top - Drunk SlutsTop 114 Drunk Girls For Drinkwell Of The Day - Hey DicklessThe Tale Of How A Rapist Wife Beater Got His Penis Severed And Became A Porn Star - Like A GirlI'm Pretty Sure She Would Have Drove Into The Stairs Regardless Of Whether She Did A Wheelie - Tiger BaitRaw Video Of Man Who Fell Into Delhi White Tiger Enclosure And Was Eaten - In Too FarScene Goes Very Wrong As The Dildo Gets Lost Up Her - Dat AssJennifer Lopez Ass Is Still Surprisngly Great - Hi Y'all!Here Comes The Leader. And There He Goes Into The Barricade

SacrifireThe Fire God Demands A Sacrifice - Good Deal!Ghetto Babe Agrees To Get Fucked In A Toilet To Make Some Cash - Really Her?Parks And Rec Star Aubrey Plaza Masturbation Video Leaks Onto The Net - So Ouch! WTFThis Is The Worst Neck Broken Ever In Wrestling - CraftedThe Work It Takes To Make A Cast Iron Frying Pan Is Incredible - Hate SexShe Gets Fucked By 2 Minorities After Sexually Hate Crime-ing Them With Soul Food - Daddy IssuesTeen Girl Extreme Hardcore Fucking By An Ex-Convict - Pokies!Rihanna Pokies In Spandex On The NYC Streets - PerfectoBusty Viola Bailey Getting Naked Next To A River - Shocking Suicidal Meth Head Does The Tripple Lindy Off A Roof Top.

Paddy goes into IKEA and says to the assistant "I want some of the suppository furniture". The assistant says "I've never heard of suppository furniture". Paddy says "It's the stuff you put up yourself".
A woman in labour is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!
"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex,  like "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister-in-law."
I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married." He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green". He said: "You can't". I said: "Why not?" He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit." I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White." He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it." Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?" I said: "Well, I said to dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister." She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"


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-American teenager David Hahn, known as the Radioactive Boy Scout, attempted to build a homemade nuclear reactor in his mother's backyard shed in 1994. While the reactor never reached critical mass, Hahn attracted attention of local police when he was stopped on another matter and they found material in his vehicle that troubled them and he warned that it was radioactive. His mother's property was cleaned up by the Environmental Protection Agency ten months later. He was arrested in 2007 for theft of smoke detectors in his apartment building. It's believed he was trying to obtain americium; a radioactive material.
-Globally, there are currently 437 commercial nuclear power reactors in 33 countries. A further 28 reactors are under construction with 28 of those located in China.
-There have been three major nuclear power plant disasters which occurred in 1979, 1986, and 2011. The Three Mile Island accident which occurred in 1979 took 14 years to clean up.
-In 1905, Einstein discovered that mass could be changed into energy and vice versa.  In 1918, Sir Ernest Rutherford showed that atoms could be split. By 1942, the world had its first nuclear reactor.
-The average cost of building one new reactor for a new plant in the United States is between $6 and $8 billion. It creates between 1,400 and 3,500 jobs for construction workers and after the facility is built maintains 400 to 700 permanent positions paying roughly 36 to 44 percent more than the average salary of the surrounding area.
-1 uranium pellet is equivalent to about 1,000 kilograms of coal. Or 2,000 coal pellets.
-It still contains 95% of its energy. That's like taking a couple tablespoons out of a litre of pop and throwing the rest away... if we don't make use of it!
-Chernobyl contaminated food was still sold in the Ukraine after the Chernobyl disaster. One worker described the conditions after the accident saying "Contaminated meat would come into the factory. The internal organs of the cattle would be black and rotten, but still the meat was sold".
-Since the Japan nuclear disaster of 2011, many nuclear power plants have shut down operation due to safety concerns. Others are planning to phase out the use of nuclear energy entirely in favour of safer methods. For example, Germany plans to close all of its reactors by 2022. Italy and Switzerland have halted expanding their nuclear power. However, some big markets, such as China and India, are still pushing ahead with new nuclear plants.  Before the Fukushima disaster, the International Energy Agency predicted that nuclear plants would add 360 gigawatts of generating capacity by 2035. Those estimates have since halved.
-The four types of nuclear weapons testing are: atmospheric, underwater, exoatmospheric, and underground.
-While nuclear power plants themselves do not create carbon dioxide, sulphur dioxide, or nitrogen oxides, the mining, enrichment, and transportation of uranium generates harmful fossil fuel by-products.
-Government regulators in the U.S estimate that there is a 50% chance of a core meltdown in a U.S. reactor within a 20-year period.
-The U.S. saves $12 billion dollars each year for energy costs because of Nuclear power.
-Nuclear fuel is around 2,000,000 times more energy dense than coal, oil and biomass. This means the quantity of nuclear waste is super tiny for the super huge amount of energy it produces. 2,000,000 times is like the difference between the diameter of the moon compared to the height of an adult person.
-One of NASA's programs, called Project Prometheus, is investigating nuclear power as the primary power source for long-distance spacecraft. Increased speeds could cut a journey to Mars by two thirds.
-Currently, nuclear waste in the United States is stored in cooling pools of water and in dry storage casks at nuclear power plants. The United States government, however, hopes to bury its waste deep underground at Yucca Mountain, Nevada. Nevadans and surrounding states have protested this proposal.
-Nuclear energy itself is not dangerous but the way in which it is generated gives off harmful waste products.
-The world's first nuclear power plant to create electricity for a power grid was USSR's Obninsk Nuclear Power Plant, which opened on June 27, 1954.
-J. Robert Oppenheimer, along with Enrico Fermi, is considered the "father of the atomic bomb". After the Trinity test in the United States in 1945, Oppenheimer quoted a line from the Bhagavad Gita "Now, I am become death, the destroyer of the world".
-Nuclear power pumps no pollution into the air. That's steam you can see, not smoke.
-Nuclear waste can be recycled and actually produces energy while doing so.
-The U.S.S. Nautilus was the first nuclear-powered submarine and was put to sea in December 1954. Named after the submarine in Jules Verne's Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, she was the first vessel to travel submerged under the North Pole, on August 3, 1958. She was decommissioned in 1980 and has been preserved as a National Historic Landmark.
-Uranium is a rare earth metal that is today commonly used for nuclear energy production. During the Middle Ages, craftspeople used it to colour glass yellow or certain shades of green.
-In the United States, radioactivity is often measured in rems. However, most countries currently use the sievert (Sv) to measure radioactivity. One sievert is equal to 100 rems. The nuclear waste from an entire reactor gives off about 10,000 rems per hour, even 10 years after it was first used in a nuclear plant. A human who is exposed to 500 rems at one time will die.
-Between 1945 and 1996, over 2,000 nuclear tests were carried out globally.
-Nuclear power provides 20% of the electricity in U.S. and approximately 15-19% of the world's energy.


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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am just looking for a girl with big tits.


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This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Ford doing 110 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye-liner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that make-up.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and scalded Big Jim and the twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!


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-If recycled, the waste lifetime is reduced to around 300 years. This is possible using fast reactors, which have been demonstrated through over 400 reactor-years of operation.
-The most powerful nuclear weapon ever detonated was Russia's Tsar Bomba. It is also the single most physically powerful device ever created by man. The fireball reached nearly as high as the altitude of the release plane and was seen 620 miles from ground zero. The mushroom cloud was over 40 miles high and the base of the cloud was 25 miles wide. It was test-detonated in the Novaya Zemlya archipelago.
-The fallout from Chernobyl set off alarms at a Swedish nuclear plant 700 miles away. A radioactive cloud reached countries from Turkey to Ireland.
-A nuclear winter is a hypothetical situation in which the sunlight would be blocked causing extremely cold weather if too many nuclear weapons were used.
-The United States has 71,862 tons of nuclear waste. Waste can stay dangerous for tens of thousands of years. The industry's nuclear pile of waste is growing about 2,200 tons a year. Some waste sites contain four times the amount of spent fuel they were designed to handle.
-The Chernobyl disaster released a hundred times more radiation than the atom bombs dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima in WWII. The environmental group Greenpeace says its research shows that the death toll will be near 100,000.
-In France, nuclear power plants produce almost 75% of that country's energy.
-A cool thing about radioactive elements in general is that they go away with time and the more radioactive they are, the quicker they go away. Some decay in a few seconds. A general rule of thumb is that after a few decades, the most dangerous elements are effectively gone.
-The first nuclear weapon in the world was detonated as a test by the United States at the Trinity site on July 16, 1945. Considered the beginning of the Atomic Age, the denotation took place in New Mexico. The fireball was about 600 feet wide and generated power roughly equivalent to 20 kilotons of TNT. The test director commented after the explosion that "Now we are all sons of bitches". The most recent nuclear test was done by North Korea on May 25, 2009.
-If a person is ever exposed to radiation during a nuclear disaster, the first thing they should do is remove their clothing because 90% of the radiation will be located there.
-An estimated 3 million Americans live within 10 miles of a functional nuclear power plant.
-Radiation in high doses can cause very serious illness or death. Symptoms include severe headaches, vomiting, and internal bleeding. A victim's hair may fall out and their skin may develop blisters and sores. Some victims of radiation sickness also need to have their limbs amputated. Lower doses of radiation can have long-lasting effects, such as increased likelihood of developing tumours and cancer that may not show up for 30 years or more.
-For every uranium atom split by a neutron, two more neutrons pop out.
-You can easily detect even a single atom of radioactive material. You cannot detect arguably more dangerous pollutants such as mercury, lead, NOx or SO2 with near that kind of accuracy or ease - elements that fossil fuel plants are putting out in significant quantities every minute of every day worldwide. These dangerous pollutants do not go away with time. Worse metals like mercury actually bio-accumulate.
-The most powerful nuclear device ever detonated by the United States (at 25 megatons) was Castle Bravo at the Bikini Atoll of the Marshall Islands on March 1, 1954. It was also the largest accidental radiological contamination caused by the U.S. It was about 1,000 times more powerful than each of the atomic bombs which were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki during WWII. Castle Bravo was the fifth largest nuclear explosion in the world.
-The Sun produces an enormous amount of energy from its nuclear reactions that change hydrogen into helium. In the process, the Sun loses over 4 million tons of mass every second.
-South Africa developed complete nuclear weapons in the 1980s and subsequently became the first country in the world to voluntarily destroy their weapon supply and to stop producing more weapons.
-Fission products save lives. Many critical medical isotopes used for cancer treatment, diagnostics, and more, can only be produced after irradiation in reactors. Cesium 137, a fission product, can be used to protect blood in blood banks, saving lives of babies and the immuno-deficient. This is just one example of possible uses of fission products made in nuclear reactors.
-A nuclear war would kill approximately 1 billion people, and hundreds of millions would be injured. The 3-4 billion people left alive would find themselves facing widespread radioactive contamination, a possible nuclear winter, increased levels of damaging ultraviolet rays due to partial destruction of the ozone layer, a global photochemical smog, as well as a multitude of toxic pollutants.
-Some scientists estimate that a person receives five times as much radiation in a lifetime from sitting in front of the TV or computer as he or she would from living by a nuclear power station.
-Dry cask storage, a method of storing high-level radioactive waste, is one of the most robust structures made by man. It can survive being dropped from thousands of feet, direct impact from an airplane crash or explosives.
-The 'peace' symbol was originally an anti-nuclear weapons emblem.
-A nuclear power plant must shut down every 18-24 months to remove its used uranium fuel, or radioactive waste.
-To that end, there has not been, in the history of worldwide commercial nuclear power, a known case of stolen commercially used nuclear fuel. It is too mixed up with different things and too difficult to handle to be very useful to anyone with bad intentions.
-The first disastrous impact from nuclear energy occurred in August 1945 when the United States dropped two atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Over 250,000 people, mostly civilians, died from the denotations.
-Nuclear power plants use nuclear fission, or the process of splitting an atom into two. Nuclear fusion (the process of combining atoms into one) is thought to be safer; however, nuclear fusion technology has not yet been developed on a wide scale.
-Except for 50 lives lost in the Chernobyl disaster, no others have died working for Nuclear plants. Nuclear has the best safety record (deaths/yr) of any type of energy source, including wind, solar, natural gas, and coal. There have been no deaths in the history of U.S.

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Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says "Let me tell you how tough I am". I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outta there!" and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of rodent poison, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine". With that he throws down another shot and slams his shot glass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself. He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say "Hey, where are YOU going?" The third mouse says "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to fuck the cat".


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A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. A bottle of tequila.

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A fag.

A. An appetiser is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

-If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!


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Having blown himself up, an 18-year-old suicide bomber appeared before Allah. He said "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment and then replied "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous, and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty".

The bomber responded "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" Allah replied "Who said they were women?"


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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said "Okay, let's get out and get him".

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front said "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself".


I feel like we all have to be somewhere so I'll cut to the chase...

-Check out the site archives. It's the scientifically proven No. 1 way to avoid me punching you in the face!
-Next update will be next Giovedi.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get all up in your grill about it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be an ubi. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.09.18-18.57

Welcome to falling asleep during a handjob. 

I managed to fuck that up remarkably well. Everything just went totally to shit last update and there was sweet fuck all I could do about it except open and respond to support tickets and apologetically reply to your emails. What's followed has been a frustrating week of burying my face in my hands, praying for a quick death and playing that different time zone game with the US... and that's the condensed version.

If somehow you don't know WTF I'm on about then for whatever reason you probably weren't tortured by slowwww video playback recently. Unfortunately there may be more of the same today and tomorrow because things are yet resolved. Luckily the fix is relatively simple: I've ordered a significantly beefier server to replace the ailing video server which you guys see as orsm.us and previously as grab.orsm.net. The new machine has multiple SSD drives in RAID, craploads of memory, a gigabit connection to the world and, from what I'm told, a strong willingness to serve quality pornography flawlessly to as many people as possible. For that to happen someone has to build the server, deploy it in the datacentre, then my techs have to migrate hundreds of gigs of data, configure a whole bunch of stuff and then we can change the nameservers at which point all the problems should magically disappear. So yeah... like I said - simple.

The longer term plan is to radically overhaul the system by which videos are managed and eventually change the entire site over to it. I'm hesitant though and that's because the Orsm that everyone knows and tolerates and has been coming to forever will replaced by something more modern and user friendly. Can only imagine the butthurt which will flow. People can't handle change. Please don't start the "I probably won't be back if you do that" emails. I guess that's the risk but the amount of hours which go into this each week are beyond ridiculous and it can't go on like that forever. There are easier ways. The downside is stuff which consumes masses of my time will feature less often. The upsides are many including new content daily instead of weekly and WAY more features.

Moving on. I don't want to sound bigoted or racist or any other dirty words people throw around when they disagree with an opinion but after seeing the big terror cell takedown happen here in Australia today, let's just behead anyone whose ideals don't align with our own or whose opinion we don't like. That will fix everything.

Seriously what a bunch of fuckwits.

Okay let's do other stuff. The whole weekend was busy busy. All of Saturday was spent working at the house cleaning and drilling and digging. So just the usual. Arrived home late arvo to begin the weekly soup cook up which I did with my 2 Asian helpers whilst watching the football. Ah the football. Have to admit feeling particularly torn during the match, an elimination final. Fremantle vs Port. I hate both teams equally so whoever lost was a win and a loss. Ended up being a great game and the season ending loss for Freo provided hours of taunts for various mates who support them. Suck shit, cunts.

My one and only goal for Sunday was to hit a local swapmeet [flea market] to find a vacuum cleaner. Quickly zipped up and down the aisles surveying each stall. Done in less than 10 minutes. The problem though was taking the GF and kid along. For the GF it is absolutely unthinkable to be finished that quickly so saddle up for minimum 1 hour. A baby presents different challenges - had her harnessed to my chest which apparently is a big invitation for old people to approach and give unsolicited parenting advice whilst rubbing their wrinkly old fingers over her trying to see her face. The real irony though is nowhere was a vacuum to be found. The even bigger irony is that we actually had 2 of them; or at least we did before moving house last year. Anyone's guess where they ended up...

An invite to meet friends for dim sum finally brought the madness to an end. We headed for the city, smashed some dumplings and made our merry way home. Changed into work clothes and waited for a sister [read: free babysitter] to arrive and again headed out the door. Again to the house and another clean up. Did I mention I'm tired of cleaning? I'm tired of cleaning. Back home a few hours later t'was a good a time as any to give the car a vacuum. Could barely see the carpet for the sand. Three cars later and everyone was happy that they'd asked me to do theirs too...

And that's about it. A stressful and busy week that is unlikely to have made great reading... which is totally okay because the update below should make up for it. Please be patient with any site access issues. Promise I'm working on them! Check it...

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After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honour, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges". The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me".
The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said "I have good news and bad news". "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has a STD". The husband exclaimed "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied "She didn't get it from you".
Walter, the hypochondriac, checked himself into the hospital for his weekly physical and diagnostic examination. After a battery of fluid tests, an alphabet of electronic scans, and several probing's and prodding's, Walter was resting in his room. The doctor came in, and said to Walter "I have good news and bad news, Walter. Which do you want to hear first?" "I knew it. Give it to me straight. I can take it. I am dying, I know it. That's the bad news, right?" "Yes, Walter, you are dying. You have a very rare, but always fatal, illness. It has no cure or even a treatment option. The pain will be excruciating, there is no pain medication that will work, and in a week or so of terrible suffering you will be gone". "Huh??" was all Walter could say. "I am sorry Walter, but there really is nothing we can do for you". "Wait a minute, Doctor, didn't you say that you had good news as well?" "Oh right, I forgot - I will be screwing your nurse tonight!!"
Two guys were walking down the street one day when they came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground. They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so the rightful owner could claim them. The first one starts to write out the sign "FOUND: one pair of boys gym shorts..." "Hold on" says the second "Those are girls gym shorts". "No they're not" says the first "They're boys shorts!" The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look "No, no... definitely girls gym shorts!" The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing. "Boys shorts!" "No, girls shorts!" "Definitely boys shorts!"... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument. The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts, but not from my parish!"


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-The Las Vegas strip's gaming revenue for 2013 was $6.5B. Annual state gaming revenue exceeds $9B.
-There's estimated to be at least 1,000 people living beneath Vegas in underground tunnels.
-When Sammy Davis Jr. took a swim in the pool at the New Frontier hotel & Casino in Las Vegas in 1952, they drained the pool when he was done because it was a whites-only swimming pool.
-Michael Jackson had plans to build a 50 foot tall moon walking robot replica of himself to roam the Las Vegas desert. It was intended to be an advertisement for a planned 2005 comeback.
-Archie Karas is famous for turning for having the largest and longest Vega winning streak. He turned $50 into $40M but managed to lose it all in less than 3 years.
-In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital had to suspend workers who were betting on when patients would die. One nurse was even accused of murdering a patient so she would win.
-There is a service in Las Vegas that will come to you and cure a hangover with IV fluids and IV vitamins.
-It would take 288 years for one person to spend one night in every hotel room in Las Vegas.
-Contrary to popular belief, prostitution in Las Vegas is not legal. It is however legal in some areas of Nevada.
-The reflective surface of the Vdara Hotel in Las Vegas concentrates the sun's rays into a "death ray" that creates dangerously hot areas around the pool.
-Las Vegas currently boasts 1701 licensed gambling venues.
-A 1910 law made it illegal to gamble in Las Vegas.
-FedEx CEO Fred Smith saved his company in the 1970s by gambling their last $5000 in Vegas. He turned it into $32k playing Blackjack; enough to cover the company's $24k fuel bill. This allowed FedEx to stay in business a few days longer, at which point he was able to raise $11M to keep FedEx going.
-According to suppliers, Vegas Bingo players' favourite colour ink daubers are purple.
-There is a place in Vegas you can pay $40 to shoot a grenade launcher, twice.
-The average number of pillowcases washed daily at MGM Grand is around 15,000.
-The Golden Gate Hotel and Casino opened in 1906, making it the first hotel and casino to open in Las Vegas, Nevada.
-Water structures in Las Vegas, like fountains and man-made lakes, use grey-water, which is recycled water from sinks, bathtubs and showers.
-The Las Vegas Strip is the brightest place on Earth when looked at from outer space.
-The Dunes, demolished in 1993, was the first resort to feature topless showgirls in a show called Minsky's Follies.

-The 1/2 scale replica of the Eiffel Tower outside the Paris hotel in Las Vegas was originally planned as full size, but had to be shrunk due to the nearby airport. The original Eiffel Tower was built in 1889 and is made of wrought iron pieces which are fastened together with 2,500,000 rivets. The one in Vegas is made from welded steel and is stronger structurally and has "fake rivets" to duplicate the look of the original.
-Las Vegas is informally known as Hawaii's 9th island, due to the city's large community of Hawaiians.
-There is over 15,000 miles of lighted neon tubing used along the Strip and Downtown.
-In 1899 Charles Fey invented a slot machine named the Liberty Bell. The device became the model for all slots to follow.
-The Bronze lion outside of the MGM Grand Hotel weighs 50 tons, making it the largest bronze sculpture in the country.
-There have been 14 major building 'implosions' in Las Vegas since 1993.
-Approximately 34% of thefts and cheating in Las Vegas casinos are committed by staff.
-Wealthy businessman and aviator Howard Hughes requested a 200 gallons shipment of Baskin-Robbins' Banana Nut ice cream while staying at Las Vegas' Desert Inn. A few days later, Hughes decided that he was tired of the ice cream and announced that he would only eat Chocolate Marshmallow ice cream. The inn ended up distributing free Banana Nut ice cream for a year.
-After staying longer than his initial reservation (in which he had booked the inn's entire top two floors), Howard Hughes was also asked to leave the Desert Inn by the owner. Instead, he purchased the resort for $13 million.
-In 1996, Wayne Newton celebrated his 25,000th performance while Siegfried and Roy celebrated their 15,000th performance.
-The Las Vegas Harmon Hotel, a key part of an $8.2B Las Vegas Hotel project will be demolished before a single guest ever gets to check into a room due to major construction defects.
-A study conducted in 2013 showed that 15% of people come to Las Vegas primarily to gamble, but 71% gamble during their visit.
-The Mirage Hotel's iconic golden windows actually get their colouring from real gold dust.
-Nevada's prison-population growth since 1990 is 100.4%.
-The Stratosphere is the tallest, free-standing, observation tower in the US and the tallest structure west of the Mississippi River.
-15 of the world's top 25 hotels are located in Las Vegas.
-Caesars Augustus tower and Treasure Island all have an architectural feature designed to trick the eye into seeing the buildings as smaller (thus closer) than they really are. Each window covers four rooms on two floors. Wynn Las Vegas uses the same trick, in that there are two floors between each white stripe.
-In 2004, a British gambler, Ashley Revell, sold all of his possessions, including all of his clothes, and bet $135,300 on red for a single spin of a roulette wheel in Las Vegas and won $270,600.
-The Silver Slipper was the first casino to hire female card dealers on The Strip.
-There's a heavy equipment playground in Las Vegas where you can drive bulldozers and other big machinery for fun.
-Before Las Vegas was famous for gambling, it marketed itself as a place to watch atomic bomb tests in the desert. Over 10,000 people have successfully claimed half a billion dollars back from the US Government in compensation for fallout-related illnesses.


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A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me two shots". The bartender says "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says" Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here" and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink". So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says "Hey, Jake. Go get that". The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock.

"That's amazing" he says "What else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"


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Guy goes to a doctor and says. "D-D-D-Doc... I... I... I... I g-got this this this aw aw-aw-ful stu-stu-stu-stuttering pr-pr-problem. Can you heh heh-heh-help me ow-ow-out? Doctor says "Drop your pants".

Guy says "I ga-ga-got a stuttering pr-pr-problem... wha-wha-why I got to-to-to dr-dr-drop my pa-pa-pants?" Doctor says "I'm the doctor here... do as I tell you!"

So the guy drops his pants and the doctor says "A-HAAA! Just as I suspected. Your penis is too long and this puts excess strain on your vocal cords, thus stretching them and causing you to stutter. We'll do a procedure and cuts some of the length off and you'll be fine".

The guy agrees and the surgery is performed in which a large section is removed. Three months later same guy returns to the doctor and says "Well Doc, you were right. I no longer stutter, but I'm miserable, my girlfriend is miserable, and I'd like you to reattach the section you took off. The doctor says 'N-n-n-no wa-way, bu-bu-buddy!"


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VEGAS, BABY! (continued)

-The Tangiers Casino depicted in Martin Scorcese's film "Casino" never actually existed. The movie is based on the history of Frank "Lefty" Rosenthal of the Stardust. In the movie the Riviera was used for the interior shots and the Landmark's porte-cochere was used for the exterior shots. The house used in the movie is located in the Las Vegas Country Club (behind the Hilton). Franks actual house is in the same neighbourhood. Frank Rosenthal died on 10/14/08 and until then maintained a website where he answered questions.
-Las Vegas has a "black book" a list of people who are banned from setting foot in any casino in the city.
-At 1,149 feet, the Stratosphere Las Vegas is the tallest freestanding observation tower in the nation.
-Bertha was a performing elephant that entertained for 37 years at John Ascuaga's Nugget casino located in Sparks. She was 48 years old when she died.
-Mobster Bugsy Siegel named his casino, The Flamingo, after his showgirl girlfriend, whose long legs garnered her the same name.
-The largest sum won on the Las Vegas slots was at the Excalibur. After putting in $100, a 25 year-old software engineer won $39 million, beating the odds at the time for 1 in 16.7 million.
-Music legend Elvis Presley performed 837 consecutive sold out shows at the Las Vegas Hilton (now known as LVH-Las Vegas Hotel and Casino).
-In 1931 the Pair-O-Dice Club was the first casino to open on Highway 91, the future Las Vegas Strip.
-Not all Vegas celebrity weddings are a sham. Michael Caine married his wife at the Little Chapel on the Green in Las Vegas in January 1973. This year they celebrated their 40th anniversary.
-The Luxor Las Vegas' Sphinx, a re-creation of the Great Sphinx of Giza, is 101 feet high and larger than the original.
-The Imperial Palace on the Las Vegas strip was the nation's first off-airport airline baggage check-in service.
-The Palms Casino Resort Palms offers a Kingpin Suite that has two fully functional bowling lanes inside.
-The shrimp consumption in Las Vegas is over 60,000 pounds per day, higher than the rest of the nation combined.
-The US Air Force operates a small airline out Las Vegas airport that has daily shuttles for workers to and from Area 51.
-Las Vegas casinos never use dice with rounded corners.
-When erected, the neon cowboy outside The Pioneer Club in Las Vegas was the largest mechanical sign in the world.
-Just outside of Las Vegas is Boulder City, one of the only two cities in Nevada that prohibits gambling.
-Even though Las Vegas seems like a larger than life city, it's located in the Mojave Desert, the smallest desert in America.
-The cost of a marriage license in Nevada is $35 whereas the cost of filing for divorce is $450.
-The Reno Ice Pavilion is a 16,000-square-foot rink once dismantled and moved to Reno from Atlantic City, New Jersey.
-In 1960 there were 16,067 slots in Nevada. By 1999 that had blown out to 205,726 slot machines; about one operating slot machine for every eight Las Vegas residents.
-Las Vegas Boulevard, where The Strip is located, has had several names. It's been called 5th Street, Arrowhead Highway, Los Angeles Highway, Salt Lake Highway, US 91, US 93, US 466 and State Route 6.
-Customers weighing over 350 pounds eat for free at the Heart Attack Grill restaurant in Las Vegas.
-39,668,221 people visited Vegas last year. 5,107,416 were convention delegates.
-There are about 15,000 miles of neon tubing in The Strip and downtown Las Vegas.
-The white circles around the letters of the word 'welcome' on the Las Vegas sign are supposed to portray silver dollars. They were incorporated into the sign because Nevada is known as The Silver State.
-In 1964, a wealthy businessman, fearing nuclear war, built a massive 16,500 square foot mansion underneath Las Vegas complete with pool, a putting green and luxury finishes.
-The average length of a Vegas stay is 3.7 nights.
-Surprisingly, the design of the iconic Las Vegas sign was never copyrighted.
-When it first opened, the Wynn Las Vegas was the most expensive hotel and casino in the world.
-22,027 conventions were held in Vegas in 2013.
-Las Vegas has a higher number of unlisted phone numbers than any other US city.
-Today, an acre of prime land on The Strip sells for about $3-6 million.
-Most casinos in Las Vegas will cash in chips from a different casino.
-Nevada's population growth since 1990 is 83.3%.
-In the 1970s, Liberace played at the Hilton for a salary of $300,000 a week.
-By number of rooms, the MGM Grand Hotel & Casino is the largest hotel in the country and the second largest in the world.
-In some Asian cultures, the number 4 is thought be bad luck. For that reason, some hotels in Vegas have no floors that start with the number 4.
-With 3,933 rooms, the Bellagio hotel has more rooms than the number of residents in Bellagio, Italy.
-Las Vegas is translated to "the meadows" in Spanish.
-84.4% of Nevada's land is owned by the federal government - more than any other state.
-The longest running show in Las Vegas was the Folies Bergere at the Tropicana Hotel and Casino. It opened in 1959 and closed in 2009 just shy of a 50 year run.
-There are over 300 weddings per day in Las Vegas, making it the top wedding destination in the US and second only to Istanbul for most number of weddings in a single city.
-In 1954 the most common questions from people who visited Las Vegas' Golden Nugget hotel were "How much does it weigh?" and "Where is it?" Many were surprised to learn that there was no actual nugget.
-Most of the strip is technically outside of Las Vegas city limits.
-The electric bill for the Luxor pyramid's shining light is $51 per hour.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say "Damn, that son-of-a-bitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that son-of-a-bitch can drive" then spit "Damn that son-of-a-bitch can drive"... then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him "What's going on here? You keep saying "Damn that son-of-a-bitch can drive, then you spit". "Well" says the guy "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"

Then he paused, spit and said "DAMN, THAT S0N OF A BITCH CAN DRIVE!!"


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1. Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.

4.Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any faeces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.

11. Repeat the previous two steps at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.

12. Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilised countries.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.


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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk". The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages, however, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.


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One day little Johnny was playing in the mud. When his father came home Johnny asked him if he could take a shower with him. "Sure" said his father.

When they were in the shower Johnny asked his father "What's that?" His father said that it was his Chevrolet. Little Johnny asked "What's mine then?" His father said that his was his Toyota.

Johnny did the same with his mother. She told him that her pussy was her garage.

That night a thunderstorm came through. Johnny got scared and asked if he could sleep with his parents. They said yes and Johnny jumped in bed.

Johnny's father said "Move over son, I'm gonna put my Chevrolet in your mothers garage". Little Johnny said "Sorry dad, but I already have my Toyota in there".


Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

-Check out the site archives. You know you want to.
-Next update will be next Thursday. OTOH my birthday is imminent so anything could happen.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will vote either YES or NO. He's not Scottish so he doesn't actually give a fuck.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I'm totally on to you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.09.11-17.49

Welcome to always having thought something wasn't not something else.

What a boring week. Nice week. Boring week. A lot of repetitive monotony going on at the moment. Eat. Sleep. Work. Shit. Rinse. Repeat. Poor me. Could things be any worse...? I doubt it...

Friday is usually the first chance I have in any week to escape the confines of home and venture out into the real world. Sadly it's usually straight to the building site to do any shit kicking which needs doing and that's how last Friday kicked off, and remained, until mid-morning. I've been dreaming up a desk design for a long time now. Was basically 'okay let's build a house and a desk'. It's probably the most important part of an Orsm, update [not including my PC, servers, content, my time] so important to have something appropriate. The only prerequisite was it had to be big enough to comfortably fit 3 monitors plus all my other shit - box of rubber gloves, a box of tissues, a box of lube, bunghole stimulator etc. Ideally wanted the desktop to be a single solid piece of timber simply because I don't possess the tools to laminate lengths of timber together.

Annnyway now that the house has taken enough shape I can measure and plan the room layout and work out what will suit. I gathered this info and headed to a timber mill slightly south of Buttfuck Nowheresingtonville. Had dealt with the guy previously and he has some amazing solid slabs of timber. He showed me around, I say no to everything before landing on a pile of stuff which was perfect. Cost? If you have to ask then you won't jump when I insert my finger in your asshole. Oh and it doesn't include machining, docking, ripping, filling, sanding or lacquering. He did make a good point - once finished it would be worth in excess of $5,000... fantastic but it'd cost me half that to build and there's no plan to sell it. Also, people wanting to cough up $5k for a desk aren't lining up down the street.

Spent the next couple of nights researching alternatives and it actually took a random visit to a furniture store we happened to be going by to come up with inspiration. Hellooo plywood. I've spent so long thinking up elaborate finishes that the cheap and easy ones which won't require dozens upon dozens of hours in prep were completely overlooked. The next hurdle is finding a furniture grade ply the right length and then the right steel to make legs and frame. If it comes off the cost will be closer to $500 and will hopefully have exactly the same wow factor as the option costing 5 times as much...

Back at the house Saturday morning doing all whatever had to be done. Cleaning, digging, drilling, whatever. Really, really feels like shit is dragging at the moment. Or maybe I'm just tired and over it. Definitely tired of dedicating so much time and having everything and anything else I wouldn't mind having a crack at on hold. Even planning a short break away is impossible because someone idiot, me, has to be around to do stuff. PRO TIP: don't ever build a house. Might seem like a good idea; it's not.

Sunday was my first Father's Day. Decided to assume responsibility for breakfast in bed due to the little one being busy feeding and barely able to support the weight of her own head let alone cook me some motherfucking eggs. Only wanted a coffee anyway and there's no one else in the house who can make that happen in such a way it would be drinkable by a massive coffee snob. We slowly got our shit together and headed to the city for dim sum where dumplings were pounded like they owed me money. Walked out of there completely satisfied and promised to return soon. Next stop was to find a FD present before getting together with the fam for a lunch thing. Clearly wasn't hungry but roast lamb so come on...? Escaped the asylum a few hours later to visit mother dearest and finally made it home late afternoon. The day actually went better than expected... not because I had low expectations to begin with but because I got the first smile ever from my child. Now the race is on for her first word to be "daddy".

And with that we bring blogging to a close and move on to the cool part of the update. A labour of love has got us here - there's no other reason I can think of anyone would pour so much effort into a website unless they were quite stupido. Check it...

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Got My VoteThis May Be The Most Awkward Political Interview Ever - MuppetWatch Colombian Model Natalia Paris Do Literally Nothing As A DJ - Scare Pranks8 Hilarious Scare Pranks Played On Kids By Their Parents - Justified?Guy Films Drug Raid And Gets Arrested: Justified Or Not? - #iDidioticTwitter Responds With Ridicule And Hilarity To Arrival Of iPhone 6 - Sex & GodThe Religious Compilation - No ClueEver Seen People At The Gym Who Just Have No Clue? - See ThruJennifer Aniston Braless In Black See Through Dress - Aria's Back!Aria Giovanni In The Old West - JellydadJiggle Your Way Through The Puzzling Levels And Jiggle All The Way To The Jiggly Exit

Brain TeaserDestroy With Brain Instead Of Brawn - Miley TitsssMiley Cyrus Naked In V Magazine Of The Day - What A DogNFL Player Ray Rice Knocks His Bitch Out - Nice SaveWater Ride Turns Into A Rescue Mission - Psycho SexPassed Out Hottie Gets Taken Advantage O - Dildo DeepIncredible Slut Takes The Eiffel Tower Of Dildos In Her Ass - UnprofessionalThe Way She Sucks Dick Is Very Good But The Way She Handles A Cumshot Is Just Unacceptable - WiggerBitch Tries To Get A Guy Beaten By Her Boyfriend Who Then Gets Beaten Himself - PerfectTessa Fowler In Green And Pink

Crazy BoxHe May Be Insane, But He Is Of Importance In The Scheme Of Things - RevengeHumans Getting Fucked Up By Bulls - AssholingGuy Records 6 Frat Boys Breaking Into A Home, Then They Fight Him For Recording - CavernousShoplifter Has A Skilful Vagina - Drunk FuThe Drunken Tae Kwon Do Maste - Submissive GFFace And Assfucked To Tears - Cheap DateShe Really Has No Fat At All, Only Skin And Bones - Sex SchoolHot Threesome In A Classroom - Crazy AsLunatic Loses Her Shit Ordering A Burger

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What is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? No man ever paid to have a lentil on their face.
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so" replied the farmer. The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride with Billy's mother. A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom bought each one of them a bar. Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you!" "Why not?" asked Billy. Little Johnny replied "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!"
A self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what is wrong". "Let's begin with a few questions" said the doctor "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop!" "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never" replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it". The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes" said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head". "Okay" said the doctor. "That's the problem. Your halo is on too tight".


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-My dad said that when the ice cream van plays music its telling you its out of ice cream.
-When I was young, my mother's meanest lie was telling me that the truck driving through our neighbourhood playing music was simply a traveling music box, not the wonderful ice cream man. Now that I'm older and have a kid of my own, he gets ice cream whenever the ice cream man comes!
-"Mummy and daddy have a work meeting, that's why we have to get a babysitter". There is no work meeting. Mummy and daddy just need three hours of peace and quiet and a meal that doesn't include French fries.
-"The lunch lady calls me when you don't eat your sandwich".
-"That drawing is FANTASTIC!" Look, I'm your dad. I'm never going to tell you something you worked hard on sucks but why do you insist on playing this game where you make me guess what you drew? If I'm being honest, it looks like a sphincter with three arms - not Batman. In the future, just tell me what you drew so we don't set ourselves up for mutual disappointment.
-When I was really young, I used to take candy or food into the bathroom with me. My mother told me that if I was eating or chewing on anything while going to the bathroom, the candy would taste like pee and poop.  I still take my gum out of my mouth before I enter the bathroom.
-"Princesses always pick up their toys after they're done playing". I've never met a princess, but something tells me they don't spend a lot of time cleaning up after themselves.
-"They don't give you ketchup at drive-thru's".
-"No, I don't know where your art project went". Yes I do. I threw it away. Not to be mean, but because I have to. Seriously, buddy, you bring home five art projects a day from school. Our kitchen just isn't big enough for them all.
-I sucked my thumb until I was about 10 years old, my mother thought that I would never break the habit.  One day while we were visiting her brother-in-law, he saw me sucking my thumb and the ugly callous that had grown on it from years of sucking. He told me that his father had sucked his thumb and had the same bump and his thumb fell off a year later.  I knew that his father was missing a thumb, I never sucked mine again after that day.
-"Every time you flick the lights on and off, a fairy dies". Harsh? Sure. But do my kids constantly flick the lights on and off, anymore? No.
-"The cat is allergic to sand, so we can't have any in the house - for her safety".
-"My battery is dead". Can I play with your phone? Can I play with your phone? Sometimes I give in and placate you, but dammit IT'S MY PHONE AND I WANT TO PLAY WITH IT!
-My mum (being the second oldest in the family) and her older sister would tell my younger aunt that she was born in a cabbage patch, my aunt being very young, would burst out in tears and cry to her mother.
-"We have to leave this park right now, because there are killer bees". This one works, but it comes with consequences. My kids are really scared of bees now.
-"You didn't get money from the Tooth Fairy last night? That's because she doesn't work the third Tuesday of the month. I should have told you. I'm sure she'll come tonight"...
-"No, I don't think you're getting a shot at the doctor's today". Actually, you're getting four shots. Which means I really didn't lie.
-My grandparents had a farm and we had just learned that ponies are different from horses, that they stay small and don't grow into horses. I told my brother, he was about seven at the time, that he was a "pony person" and that he wouldn't grow anymore after he turned nine.
-"Elmo is sad because you didn't take a nap". Simple, effective... no kid wants to disappoint Elmo. You can use that love to your advantage.
-"They don't sell replacement batteries for that toy".
-"We can't have a cat because you're allergic to them". We've never had you tested, so technically this might not be a lie either.
-When I was about five years old I had a pet bird named.  One day I came home from my grandma's house and the bird was gone. I asked my mum what happened and she said it got loose and flew up to heaven.  Being as young as I was, I thought it was pretty cool that MY bird made it all the way up to heaven so I wasn't very upset. 
-"Kangaroos are actually mice that are REALLY close up".
-"Harry Styles hates girls who don't listen to their parents. Now, go brush your teeth".
-"The dog ate your candy". Unlike cats, dogs are fantastic animals and man's best friend, but the truth is, I ate your candy.
-My Aunty Peg always used to tell me if I bit my nails I would grow a hand in my stomach.
-"It's very bad luck NOT to name every ant you see".
-"There are no cartoons on at night because that's when the characters sleep".
-"Babies are made when two people really love each other". Or when two people have too much wine. Or the condom breaks. Or mummy forgets to take her special pill. Or the vasectomy doesn't take.
-I was told that if I lied it would be written in big green letters all over my forehead.
-"Before they can fight, Superheroes have to pick out all the noises their punches and kicks will make".
-"It's such a shame; the movies, arcade, and bowling alley are all closed after 6pm on weeknights".
-"The toy store/candy store/Disney World is closed". I've told you no. Repeatedly. I've explained to you with perfect logic and reason why we can't go to any of the ridiculous places you're begging me to go. But you don't care. So now its closed...


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This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom "Sir, it is now 6 o'clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards". The groom looks at him and says "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room.

The whole evening the people next door to the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?" Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 litres of orange juice!" Room service replies "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?" "No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife?"

Room service asks "Why six pieces of lettuce?" The groom replies "I have to see if she can eat like a bunny too!!"


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A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle" said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said "Mister, you've got yourself a deal".

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said "I can't get this mower to start". The little boy said "That's because you have to swear at it to get it started".

The preacher said "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to swear". The little boy looked at him happily and said "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"


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-When my kids were 6 and 8 years old, I took them to a video arcade. My sister brought her not-quite 3 year old along. I gave my sons a few quarters to play, and was about to give my nephew one too, when my sister stopped me and gave him a penny instead.  He took it and happily walked over to a machine.  My sons were horrified when their aunt explained "Oh he thinks he's causing the movement on the screen anyway, so if he's happy, what does it matter if he's not really playing!" My sons have never trusted their aunt since!
-"A large slice of cheese, when slotted into a VCR, will play a short film about cows".
-"The restaurant I'm going to with daddy doesn't allow kids or we would totally take you".
-"We're all out of ice cream". Until you go up to bed. Then it's ice cream city up in here.
-My dad told me that if I wet the bed the monster living underneath it would drown. My mother used to tell me that if I ate glue I would poop blood.
-"One in ten fish are afraid of water".
-"No, this isn't a brownie. It's a breakfast bar and it has lots of protein and fibre and even spinach in it. Do you want one?"
-"It's a tie". Bullshit! I won. Not only that, I mopped the floor with you. It wasn't even close. I'm not sure why I have to spare your feelings, since it'll only be a few years until you're older, I'm weaker, and you dance on my withered bones once you're able to defeat me in just about everything.
-My cousins once told me that if I skipped school my eyes would fall out.
-"Your daddy didn't go bald. He just likes having his hair cut that way".
-"Animals want to be eaten, it gives them such joy to be chosen as your food. Here's some chicken… go ahead make it happy".
-"Yes, your fishy has been very sleepy lately". Someday, when you're older and I'm mentally prepared, I'll tell you that Nemo now sleeps with the fishes but in the meantime, your sleepy fish will be totally reinvigorated as soon as the pet store opens.
-My sister told me once that if I peeked in her diary a flaming gnome would pop out and eat me.
-"Mice collect your dandruff while you are sleeping. They then eat it for breakfast, like cornflakes".
-"Unicorns are real, but you only see one when you're being really good. What, you haven't seen any? Well, you have to be even better".
-"Your mum and I were just... wrestling". Mum is on top of me because she's trying to pin me. No, you can't play too.
-My brother used to tell me that if I drank orange Fanta my pubic hair would turn orange.
-"Every square has a fifth side, but you won't see it unless you stare very, very hard for a long time".
-"Babies come from the internet and that baby sister you wanted is on back-order".
-"We'll see". We all know "we'll see" is French for "not gonna happen". Why not just say "no"? Hmm, mum? Why didn't you just say no??
-When I was younger, my older brother and I use to tell my younger brother, Danny, that we adopted him from a Japanese family that didn't want him anymore.  Of course he wasn't adopted and wasn't even remotely Japanese - we were all Caucasian.
-"If you scatter drawing pins next to an ants nest and wait 'til it rains, they'll turn them upside down and use them as umbrellas".
-"Chuck E. Cheese is only for birthday parties; you have to be invited to one to go there".
-"The park is closed". Now this is straight up lying. Also, what are you supposed to do when your kids yell out that they see people at the park as we drive past?
-My dad didn't have much hair and my sister and I used to ask "Where is your hair gone daddy?" My dad would say "Well when you two were born they took the hair off my head and put it on yours". My twin sister and I thought for years it was true.
-"If a frog pees on you you'll get warts". My mum hated frogs, lizards, and many other creatures we'd bring into the house. I guess this was her way of keeping at least one of them out of my hands.
-"I don't know where your toy is. You must have lost it". Throwing out (or hiding) our child's toys because it's annoying or filthy and then making them think it was their fault it went missing has got to mess with a kid's head. At least you'll be happier.
-My parents told me that the Easter Bunny was an evil bunny that made children's dreams into chocolate after he had stolen them.
-"If you cross your eyes they will get stuck that way". Kids love to make silly faces, but parents must despise seeing them or something because I'm not the only one who has heard this one.
-"It won't hurt. I promise!" We promise our kids the needle won't hurt, but then two seconds later, it does. A LOT. This only makes them incredibly distrustful of not just us, but doctors in general.
-My parents told me that if I'm nice, chocolates will fall from the sky. I actually believed it. I was closing my eyes and putting my hands up, and chocolates fell from the sky. Of course it was only my parents who threw the chocolates.
-"The stuffed animals will be lonely for their friends if we take them out of the store".
-"If you hold in a sneeze your eyes will pop out". Scary enough to want to just let it out.
-"I'm leaving without you!"  Convincing our kids we're going to abandon them? That's pretty messed up, especially when our kids burst into tears and sprint after us.

-They said if I ever walked into their bedroom I may get shot with daddy's gun.
-"If you swallow your gum, it'll take 7 years to digest". I risked it a few times when I was afraid to get caught with it in my mouth, but I always worried about the backup of gum that must have been accumulating in my gut.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome and extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20... on one condition".

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words". The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...

"Clean my house".


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One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Cars, which sold the delightful Plymouth. She got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles.

She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger". The owner replies "Well, let's see... oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What colour do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact colour to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says "I want this colour sonny". Nathan replies "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this colour. Could I show you a nice blue one?" "No son, I want this colour". "But ma'am, they didn't make that colour! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot.

One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"


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A man and woman got married, and as they were old-fashioned, they had never had sexual relations. On their wedding night, as the man began to get undressed, his twisted and mangled toes came into view, causing his new bride to gasp.

"Oh" he said "I should have told you before now, I contracted Tolio as a child". "Tolio?" she said "Don't you mean Polio...?" "No" he said "look at my toes, I had a severe case of Tolio". The wife agreed that he did.

As he continued to undress, his multi-coloured and deformed knees came into view, again causing his new spouse to gasp. "After the Tolio, I contracted the Kneasles" the man said. "Kneasles...?" his wife replied "you don't mean Measles?" "No" he said "look at my knees, I had the Kneasles".

As he continued to undress, taking off his pants, his wife cried out loud "Oh my GOD, you caught the Small Cox, too"!!!


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At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!" he cries out in relief... "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this" he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"


Time for me to go. Time for you to read on just a bit more...

-Check out the site archives. Updates going back 14 years. Fourteen. One-four. I shit you not. If you can't find something in there to entertain yourself then you must have a severe personality disorder.
-Next update will arrive magically next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will join ISIS and fuck pigs like all the other ISIS guys do.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't fuck pigs. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.09.04-17.57

Welcome to what does that supposed to mean?

Okay let's try this again. After last week's frustrating [and draining] server issues I'm hoping that shit has finally been rectified. Like once and for all rectified. Thursday's shitfuck came when emergency maintenance by my host's provider had to be carried out. Of course it coincided nearly exactly with the new update going live and is literally the last thing I'd think to check when something breaks. I opened support tickets here and there, had quite a few of you feed my back with routing info and eventually got escalated to a tech god who did things to the video server akin to brain surgery on a one of us. The week before there was an issue with videos due to the company who provides the software having a prob with their CDN. So a lot of stuff going on lately that's been completely outside my control. Long story short though - everyone should now have improved internet routes to a highly tweaked server using the most compatible video player available so cross fingers that you can watch clips unhindered like I intended. If not, please have a big sooky whinge to me here.

Speaking of Sookie. How fucking stupid was the ending to True Blood? Why-why-why did I stay with it for seven seasons only to be shat on by lazy, unimaginative writing? Vampire Bill wanted to die... even though there was a cure right in front of him. Like literally right there. Why? He wasn't dying from Hep-V... he was suffering depression. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide get help immediately. Do not help stake them through the heart.

I'm somewhere in the middle of trying to be a friendly/decent/helpful human being and a social experiment. My home-away-from-home is the local hardware store. Typically roll through there 3-4 times each weekend to collect whichever material is needed to build my house. One thing I see frequently is girls of all shapes and sizes battling to brace the trolley/cart in the angled carpark whilst unloading oversized flowerpots or heavy boxes or cumbersome whatever's into their car. What's the right thing to do here? Obviously it's to offer assistance. I'm a big, burly bloke after all. But forget it. 9 times out of 10 all asking gets me is a polite or snappy "no" and it perplexes me as to why. I don't stink, don't want a tip, don't want to rape or rob you. Just to do unto others. Is it just girl-power gone retarded? Would bitches rather feel vindicated that all men are chauvinistic, misogynistic bastards than have them help? There was a bunch of girls at our place the other day. Asked them what they'd say is a stranger offered help. One wasn't sure. One said she'd be worried what her husband might think. The other said to always offer. Well I guess that answers it. Tune back in next week when we talk about how to make all women happy...

How about we skip the drawn out, blow by blow tedium of me ripping through activities of the week. Or not. Pretty much all it involved was working on the aforementioned house and various other activities associated with that. Sunday was a day off though. Rare as that is there was a reason. 100% completely not my idea, we had a baby photo shoot. Don't worry - see how you're rolling your eyes right now? My reaction exactly. It really is possible to get some cool pics with an iPhone or even the fancy Nikon DSLR sitting just on the table over there... but no.

Here's a fun fact: baby photography is extortion in every way. It's almost as if, if you don't do it then perhaps you don't love your child as other parents. Many photogs are capitalising on this with some, no shit, charging up to $1000 for a 2 hour session and for that you get a few prints. Want more? Pay more! There was just no chance of me ever agreeing to that. Thankfully we had a friend of a friend who's semi-pro. She came to us, spent 3 hours here and basically took loose change for it. And we'll get everything she shot. The moral of this story is simple: there is silly money is anything babies.

The rest of Sunday was sort of free on account of not being able to come and go as one might of before encumberment. Pulled up a chair to my PC and resumed the clean-up which has been underway for many, many months. This time it was backups of Orsm site files from various points in history. And there was quite the fruckload of them, all of various parts of the site, ranging from a few hundred megabytes to 14 gigabytes and contained within archives files. Some archives even contained archives of themselves and there were multiple copies of them. So I painstakingly extracted the lot and ran a duplicate finder against the current working set until I could delete or keep whatever was or wasn't important. Total number of files deleted in the hundreds of thousands. Still, bet any money that eventually I'll need a file that was inadvertently shredded.

Okay move on now we shall. What you guys get today is a seriously awesome update. Won't bother trying to sell it because that would be wasting time. So hurry the fuck up and check it...

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Ass-omenessSynchronized Twerkers Will Leave You Breathless - BarnstormedThis Is How You Amish A Barn Together - UnimaginableTouching Video Shows Heroic War Zone Volunteers Saving A Syrian Baby's Life - Tap The KegKey Word Is Tap, Man. Tap-Tap-Tap! - FappeningNude Photos Of Jennifer Lawrence And Other Celebs Leaked Online After iCloud Accounts Hacked - LowlivesA Couple Of Panhandlers Running A Sca - Gamer GirlsModels Become Avatars In Video Game-Inspired Fashion Show - TinyverseWho Needs The Universe When You Have The Tinyverse? - PeepingPeeping Tom Videotapes Nude Girl In Her Room

Make 7A Fast-Paced Multiplayer Game Where You Add The Numbers To Make Seven - Lara BingleLara Bingle Topless At The Beach! - Vergara NipSofia Vergara Pops Out A Nip On The Dance Floo - Uneven TitsThe Trolling Of A Discount Hooke - Page 3Holly Peers Topless For Page 3 Of The Day - FoolishMan Walks Into A Kebab House And Says Fuck Allah - Girl ON GirlIs Anybody At Home Masturbating To This Shit - LOL RussiaYou've Seen A Million Russian Road Rage Videos, But None Like This- White TrashPoor Slut Is Treated Like Trash - FlashingCute Girls Flashing In Public

Beat HydraTwo Heads Are Better Than One But A Dozen Heads Is Certainly Better Than Two - Drunk HeadRedheads Scores A Mouthful Of Cum - ToplessShailene Woodley Topless Outtakes - PummeledDude With A Piston Cock Pummels A Tight Keester - Hah Dorothy!Wizard Of Oz Alternate Ending! Scared Used Abused In A Struggle Fuck To Get Home - FucktardedTattooed Man Chugs A Bottle Of Jack Daniels In Just 1 Minute - Reality VajReality Show Contestant Sues VH1 For Not Blurring Out Her Pussy Of The Da - Plane TitsTitties In A Plane. It's A Great Concept, We Watch Titties. In. A. Plane. - Triflin' HoesThe Ratchet Compilation [2] -

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theatre was ready to close for the night. "You folks must've enjoyed the show" the usher said. "Disgusting" said the old lady. "It was revolting" her husband added. "Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks. "We had to wait until you turned up the house lights" the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked "When did you bag him?" The host said proudly "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife". "What's he stuffed with" asked the visiting hunter. "My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes. Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped. "Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this". "Yeah" Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here".
The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first old geezer said "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!" The second old man one-upped him "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers!" The third old man laughed and said "That's nothing, my hands shake so bad that when I took a pee yesterday, I came three times".


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-You breathe on average about 5 million times a year.
-The longest time between two twins being born is 87 days.
-If you eat a polar bear liver, you will die. Humans can't handle that much vitamin A.
-A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
-Months that begin on a Sunday always have a Friday the 13th in them.
-The world's deepest post-box is in Susami Bay in Japan. It's 10 metres underwater.
-The critically endangered Kakapo bird has a strong, pleasant, musty odour which allows predators to easily locate it. Hence, it is critically endangered.
-Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
-You are born with 300 bones, by the time you are an adult you will have 206.
-In 2007, an American man named Corey Taylor tried to fake his own death in order to get out of his cell phone contract without paying a fee.
-The male giraffe will continuously head-butt the female in the bladder until she urinates. The male then tastes the pee and that helps to determine whether the female is ovulating.
-The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
-The average lead pencil will write a line about 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.
-The oldest condoms ever found date back to the 1640s (they were found in a cesspit at Dudley Castle), and were made from animal and fish intestines.
-Abalones have 5 buttholes.
-A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
-A quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.
-In 1923, jockey Frank Hayes won a race at Belmont Park in New York despite being dead - he suffered a heart attack mid-race, but his body stayed in the saddle until his horse crossed the line for a 20-1 outsider victory.
-A banana slug can be 6-8 inches. The slug's erect penis be just as long. Also, their penises emerge from their heads. After sex, banana slugs eat each other's penises.
-A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
-The average person spends 2 weeks of their lifetime waiting for the light to change from red to green.
-Most Muppets are left-handed. (Because most Muppeteers are right-handed, so they operate the head with their favoured hand.)
-Dead people can get goose bumps.
-Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
-It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it.
-Female kangaroos have three vaginas.
-A full head of human hair is strong enough to support 12 tons.
-A 2 x 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
-Earth's population is expected to rise to 15 Billion by the year 2080.
-It costs the U.S. Mint almost twice as much to mint each penny and nickel as the coins are actually worth. Taxpayers lost over $100 million in 2013 just through the coins being made.
-The blood from a human erection has enough blood to keep 3 gerbils alive.
-During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur" a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston is wearing a watch).
-The largest recorded snowflake was 15 inches wide and 8 inches thick.
-Light doesn't necessarily travel at the speed of light. The slowest light has been recorded moving is 38 mph.
-The word "facetiously" contains all 5 vowels and "y" in alphabetical order.
-On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
-The tip of a bullwhip moves so fast that the sound it makes is actually a tiny sonic boom.
-Casu marzu is a Sardinian cheese that contains live maggots. The maggots can jump up to five inches out of cheese while you're eating it, so it's a good idea to shield it with your hand to stop them jumping into your eyes.
-The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
-Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
-Native Americans used to name children after the first thing they saw after leaving the tepee following birth. Hence the names Sitting Bull and Running Water.
-The loneliest creature on Earth is a whale who has been calling out for a mate for over two decades but whose high-pitched voice is so different to other whales that they never respond.
-Dragonflies have shovel shaped penises so they can scoop out their rival's sperm.
-Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
-The Matami Tribe of West Africa play their own version of football, instead of a normal football they use a human skull.
-The spikes on the end of a stegosaurus' tail are known among palaeontologists as the "thagomizer". A term coined by cartoonist Gary Larson in a 1982 Far Side drawing.
-There was a ten foot tall ape called Gigantopithecus that is now thought to be extinct. The fossil record also indicates that they most likely buried their dead, which indicates a cognitive level that only one other ape possesses.
-The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
-Coca-Cola would be green if colouring wasn't added.
-During World War II, the crew of the British submarine HMS Trident kept a fully grown reindeer called Pollyanna aboard their vessel for six weeks (it was a gift from the Russians).
-There are more possible iterations of a game of chess than there are atoms in the known universe. It's called The Shannon Number.
-There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
-During the 17th Century, the Sultan of Turkey ordered his whole harem of women to be drowned and replaced with a new one.
-The average American spends about a year and a half of his or her life watching commercials on television.


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There was a mine in a small town that had completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the Engineer "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there". The bartender responded "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a Chinaman and we don't serve his kind around here". "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up".

The bartender sceptically served the Chinaman his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing all the bruising under his chin. What's that all about?"

The engineer responded: "Oh... that's where we put the jack".


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A farmer walked out to the edge of his fields and summoned his two sons. When they finally arrived back at the farm house, the father told his sons that he wanted to teach them a lesson about honesty and integrity. The two boys listened with interest.

"When George Washington was a young man" he said "George chopped down a cherry tree. His father asked George who had chopped down the cherry tree, and because he was honest his father did not spank him".

"Now" the farmer said "I want to know who pushed the outhouse into the creek".

After a few awkward moments the younger son finally confessed that he had done it. The farmer took off his belt and said. "You're gonna git it!" The son screamed "What about George Washington? His father didn't whip him!" "True" said the farmer "but his father wasn't in the cherry tree when he cut it down!"


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-If you were to remove all of the empty space from the atoms that make up every human on earth, the entire world population could fit into an apple.
-Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because fating in a spacesuit may damage them.
-The northern leopard frog swallows its prey using its eyes - it uses them to help push food down its throat by retracting them into its head.
-Coffins used for cremation are usually made with plastic handles.
-The first man to urinate on the moon was Buzz Aldrin, shortly after stepping onto the lunar surface.
-Duck vaginas have developed "dead ends" over time to protect them from being raped by other ducks.
-The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
-"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
-Some fruit flies are genetically resistant to getting drunk - but only if they have an inactive version of a gene scientists have named "happy hour".
-The song Coconut ("She put the lime in the coconut, she drank 'em both up."..) has only one chord in the entire song. It is the only song without any chord changes to reach the Billboard Hot 100 chart.
-If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
-Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
-Experiments show that male rhesus macaque monkeys will pay to look at pictures of female rhesus macaques' bottoms.
-The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate.
-Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves.
-It really is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
-In 1567, the man said to have the longest beard in the world died after he tripped over his beard running away from a fire.
-A mantis shrimp can swing its claw so fast it boils the water around it and creates a flash of light.
-The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".
-A Ten Gallon Hat will only hold 3/4 of a Gallon.
-The Dance Fever of 1518 was a month-long plague of inexplicable dancing in Strasbourg, in which hundreds of people danced for about a month for no apparent reason. Several of them danced themselves to death.
-Completely blind people don't see blackness, they see nothing.
-The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player... for automobiles.
-Of all the words in the English language, the word "SET" has the most definitions.
-Vladimir Nabokov nearly invented the smiley.
-Llamas are born with an extra pair of fighting teeth that they use to bite off other llamas' testicles therefore making them the only fertile male in the group.
-By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
-It is against the law to burp or sneeze inside a church in Nebraska.
-In 1993, San Francisco held a referendum over whether a police officer called Bob Geary was allowed to patrol while carrying a ventriloquist's dummy called Brendan O'Smarty. He was.
-Only Asian people have black hair. Every other supposedly 'black' hair colour is actually really dark brown.
-Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
-In 1386 a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child.
-Sigurd the Mighty, a ninth-century Norse earl of Orkney, was killed by an enemy he had beheaded several hours earlier. He'd tied the man's head to his horse's saddle, but while riding home one of its protruding teeth grazed his leg. He died from the infection.
-The Indonesian Mimic Octopus can not only change colours, but will mimic the shapes of other animals, like the flounder, poisonous lion fish, and sea snakes.
-An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing.
-Earth is the only planet not named after a god.
-The Dutch village of Giethoorn has no roads; its buildings are connected entirely by canals and footbridges.
-One species of jellyfish, Turritopsis nutricula, are immortal.
-The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
-The oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9,000 years old!
-Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
-A family of people with blue skin lived in Kentucky for many generations. The Fulgates of Troublesome Creek are thought to have gained their blue skin through combination of inbreeding and a rare genetic condition known as methemoglobinemia.
-A blue whale's penis is 11 feet long. Little known side fact - Orsm is a blue whale.
-The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
-Scientists have tracked butterflies travelling over 3,000 miles.
-Powerful earthquakes can permanently shorten the length of Earth's day, by moving the spin of the Earth's axis. The 2011 Japan earthquake knocked 1.8 microseconds off our days. The 2004 Sumatra quake cost us around 6.8 microseconds.
-Cats sleep up to 70% of their lives.

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A golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Jane, a beautiful real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?" "Dan" he replied.

"Dan forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later". "That's mighty nice of you" Dan answered "but I don't think my wife would like it". "Aw come on" Jane insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay" Dan finally agreed, and added "but my wife won't like it!"

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Dan thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset". "Don't be foolish!" Jane said with a smile, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" Dan replied "Under the cart!"


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A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing. As he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall.

He said to his son "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son replied "This isn't a nail, Dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock".

His dad thought about it for a minute and said "I'll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen". His son quite naturally said "Sure why not". The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in.

He asked his father where his Volkswagen was. His dad replied "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother".


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A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner told them "I'm not going to sugar-coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl said "I'll go first". She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said "I've never seen a display like that in my life". He then turned to the young man and asked "Can you top that?" The young man replied "No problem, just get that lion out of the way".


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One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Frank sitting up in bed pretending to drive.

She asked "Frank, what are you doing?" He replied "I'm driving to Toronto". The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

The next night as she walked past Frank's room she saw the same thing. Again she asked "Frank, what are you doing?" He replied "I'm driving to Toronto. It"s a two day trip, you know!" The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in. She saw Bob pretending to have sex with someone. She asked "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob replied "I'm fucking Frank's wife. He's gone to Toronto for a couple of days"...


My work here is done. Yours is just beginning. Read on.

-Check out the site archives. Treat them right and they'll love you.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you even know when that is?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will... well just look what happened to celebs caught up in The Fappening. Thats what my friend Ray is capable of. You have been warned.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep a chair warm for Troy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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