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September 2018...
orsmupdate 2018.09.27-20.49

Welcome to a whole lot of not what I didn't think it wouldn't be.

Funny how history repeats... and also not really funny at all. I perused back to the Orsm archives from September 10 years ago only to be reminded of a long since forgotten data wipeout. The RAID controller on my PC had shat itself taking a whole bunch of useful data, including an update, with it. Never did manage to recover any of it. That's relevant because I'm going through the process right now, as in this week, to get my data back off a failed drive... that of course would be much more straightforward if not for the RAID. Live and learn? Obviously not!

The next came courtesy of Facebook's on this day feature which 99% of the time you look at and think "Faaark can't believe it's been X years since whatever". Anyway, was scrolling through today and saw it's been two years since a post I made about a fridge repair guy rolling up a couple of hours after the service window saying it had been "a slow day". This week? Fridge tech came by on Wednesday, fixed our shit, went on his merry way. It was only later before anyone realised he'd actually fucked the whole thing up. Today its taken 10 phone calls back and forth trying to get the little fuckers back to fix. Not really my lesson to learn here... except to say fridge techs are apparently all useless.

Alright dudes let's get stuck into a brand-new update. The end of September has always been the unofficial approximate site birthday... so happy 19th birthday to Orsm. That's a tiny bit mind-blowing if I do say so. Guess I better think up something magical to celebrate the big 2-0 next year. Suggestions? Email me but in the meantime... check it...


We have bought this pet skunk. The wife and I took it for walks every day. One day we came to this bar which had a big sign saying "No pets allowed" she turned to me and said. "What shall we do about the pet skunk? "I replied "Shove it down your panties, no one will know. "She then asked me "What about the smell?" And I said "Well if it dies it fucking dies!".
The milkman goes to the door to collect his money, when he knocks the door swings open and he walks in. The place is a mess, beer bottles and liquor bottles everywhere. He is just about to leave when the lady of the house comes down the stairs. He looks at her then looks at the mess. Catching the hint, she explains that they had a big party last night. The milkman spots a blanket in the corner with holes all cut out. "What was that for?" He asked Well she explained "We were playing party games last night, were we had all the men line up behind the blanket and stick there penis's out the holes. Then all the women went along and tried to guess who's was whose". Man that must have been some party wish I here. Well you might as well have been here... your name came up several times!"
A young secretary, gets twelve red roses delivered to her desk. Noticing this, another older female co-worker says "Aren't those beautiful! Your boyfriend is SO sweet to send those to you". The younger gal groans her reply "Yeah, but you know what this means?" "It means I'll be spending the next 3 days on my back, with my ankles in the air". Puzzled by her comment, her co-worker pats her on the back and answers "It'll be okay dearie... all you have to do is purchase a vase?"
This old man and woman were sitting on the front porch in their rocking chairs. The old man reaches over and grabs the woman's breast and says "You know, if these gave milk then we could get rid of the cows". The old woman doesn't say anything so he moves his hand. A few minutes later he reaches over again and grabs her pussy. The old man says "You know, if that could lay eggs then we could get rid of the chickens". The woman doesn't say anything so he moves his hand. A few minutes later, the old woman reaches over and grabs his dick and says "You know, if that would work then we could get rid of your brother".

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues" the angel said "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want". And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes" said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"
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Nasty SkankAmateur Drunk Girl Gets A Nasty Surprise During A Public Blowjob - Many TalentsYhivi Shows Off Piano Skills Followed By Rough Sex And Cum Over Her Face - Yes U Can!"I CANT, AND I WONT!" - Total HotnessInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Sick BitchFetish #531 You Didn't Know Existed: Scarfacing - Nude SelfiesCertainly Looks A Lot Like Brie Larson Sent Out Some Nude Selfies And They Absol-Fucking-Lutely Do Not Disappoint. - IrrARSEistableAmazing Skinny Teen Rides Her Boyfriend's Cock - Working OUTCute Nympho Begs For Cock At The Gym! - Gym Selfie - KTFO2 Guys Give New Meaning To "Knocked The Fuck Out"

Dakota SexyDakota Fanning Perky & Pokie In New York - Truly EpicCoffee With Leanne Crow! - I'm LaughingPhun.com's Phunny Pictures DCCXIX - Typical JapsThese Japanese Are Pretty Fucked Up... Right? - RavagedYou Can Only Get Away With This Shit In Hong Kong... - MindblowingPublic BJ And Anal Creampie In Ski Lift And Lot Of Fuck In Mountain Hike - Hot For 71I Doubt You Would Ever Find Perfection Putting A 71-Year-Old In A Bathing Suit But Susan Lucci Is Probably As Close As You Could Get... - LegendHero Of The Week Stops Rape As It's Happening - Glory CurtainGet Yourself A Step Mum Like This... - EcstasyTeen Cries For Gods Mercy With This Monster In Her Box

Angry WhoreIf You We're An Emotionally Messed Up Prostitute, I'm Sure You Would Fucking Hate Talking About Your Life Too. But Would You Hate It More Then Sucking The Dick Of A Self-Titled "Crack Whore Connoisseur"? - Yellow FeverInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Freaky - Next LevelShe Wanted To Take It To The 'Next Level' But WTF... - Holy Dong!No Lie, She Couldn't Walk Afterwards - Pump It In!Pump That Dildo! - Oh DaniTo Be Perfectly Honest - I Have No Idea Who This Woman Is, But I Don't Care Either. She's Pretty - Pretty Sexy. That's All That Matters. - Titty SlipFarrah Abraham's Boob Pops Out Of Her Bathing Suit - Tight B-holeHuge Cock, Meet Tight Ass Hole And Her Friends, Tears - Getting DP'dEvery Girl Has A Different Level Of Pain Tolerance...

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour". The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again, a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager, naturally, is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So, he lies down next to the wife... just then the husband walks in. "What" he says "are you doing here?" The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could".
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's arse and say 'How about a blowjob?' and she's always sound asleep!"


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INEBRIATED: This is actually a very formal word for drunk, but people often say it to sound funny. In fact, people often use very "proper" or "posh" language to describe being drunk. The joke is in the difference between how ridiculous people look and sound when they have had too much alcohol, and using very formal language that doesn't fit the context.

LEGLESS: This is a very common way of describing someone as drunk, for example "he got totally legless last night!". It hints at the fact that people often find it harder to walk (or use their legs) when they've had too much to drink.

This doesn't always mean drunk, but it often does. If you say "I'm out of it" it means you're finding it hard to concentrate or focus, or you are not really aware of what is happening around you.

This simply means "drunk" but it's associated with or older, more upper-class language. Most of the time when people use it they are trying to sound funny.

Like "sloshed" this is a posher way of saying drunk, that most people would find funny.

This refers to someone who is so drunk that they are behaving very strangely or can't behave in a normal way.

The same as "out of your tree".

A common word for drunk that's used both in Britain and the US.

This means that you're feeling a little bit drunk - but not too much! You might also hear people say something like "that wine has gone to my head" which means they're feeling a bit tipsy.

These are all words that you only really hear in the UK that mean the same thing: "very drunk"

This means that you aren't seeing things quite as they are because you're drunk. For example "That guy looks quite cute" "No he's not, you've got your beer goggles on" (or "that's your beer goggles talking").

To drink heavily on a night out, for example "We're going out on the lash tonight".

Strictly speaking "pissed" is a swear word and you shouldn't use it in a formal, professional or school context. However, it is probably the most commonly used word in the UK to describe being drunk. If you spend any time in the UK, you will hear it all the time. Just remember that in the US, it means angry, not drunk, or you could find yourself having some very confusing conversations!



Previously on Orsm: CAMPING #6 - CAMPING #5 - CAMPING #4 - CAMPING #3 - CAMPING #2 - CAMPING #1 - MORE >>

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said "Let's go to my apartment... I hear someone coming".

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked "It's got to be your ears".

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "My ears? Look at these breasts! They are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside... when you said you heard someone coming... that was me".


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Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "Bloody hell what happened last night?".

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again, he thinks "What happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party".

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag".



Previously on Orsm: THIGH GAP #4 - THIGH GAP #3 - THIGH GAP #2 - THIGH GAP #1 - MORE >>

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Honestly who comes up wiith this shit? Anyone who needs to write a list of what they are looking for in a woman is either single or miserable. Most of the stuff here just screams hardwork. Does anyone really want some bitch who is hardwork?? High maintenance? We all know the type. Enjoy this nonsense...

-She encourages you to pursue your goals, but she doesn't micromanage. She trusts you to make the right decisions in your own life. She's the cheerleader, not the coach.

-She doesn't try to make you jealous. She's secure in her worth, and your ability to recognise how valuable she is. She doesn't need to play games to 'trick' you into seeing her for what she is.

-She doesn't have a princess complex. She demands that you treat her with respect - but because she is a person you love, not because she is a woman and therefore magically entitled to something. Just as she would expect you to treat your friends and family with respect, she knows you wouldn't treat her any other way. A high-quality woman wouldn't be with a man who was disrespectful to the people he is close to in life.

-She has a part of her life that doesn't involve you. Friends, hobbies, career - whatever. She's confident and independent enough to not need your involvement in everything she does.

-You wouldn't think twice about inviting her into different parts of your life - a barbecue with your friends, a dinner with your parents, a fancy work party - she knows how to handle herself in different settings. She's mature enough to make a good impression with your colleagues and wise enough to know letting loose with your friends and having fun doesn't mean she's immature.

-She takes care of herself. This doesn't mean she is perfect, it means she is always improving. You don't have to tell her she needs to solve a problem in her life. She's self-aware and sees what issues she has and is self-motivated enough to constantly be working to improve them. She needs a partner, not a dad.

-When she is in a situation where she doesn't know people, she introduces herself confidently. She doesn't cling meekly to your side waiting for you to facilitate every social interaction.

-A reasonable, non-hyper-conservative employer could look at her social media presence and hire her.

-She isn't shy about sex. If she doesn't want to do something, she can articulate why instead of just saying "ew". Your sex life with her isn't a shady secret she feels uncomfortable talking about, it's adult and healthy and you both work to keep the flame alive.

-She has opinions more than "IDK" and she can talk calmly and non-hyperbolically about them. If she disagrees with you, you can have a conversation about it without anyone raising their voice.

-She would never joke with her friends or family (or worse, your friends or family) about how men are "stupid" or childish, or whatever "happy wife happy life" mantra you've heard women use to put down the partners they love.

-She knows what she wants in life. She doesn't change her values or goals to tailor fit the guy she is with.

-You feel lucky to be dating her because you know she would never date anyone just to date them. She isn't afraid to be single and she is self-sufficient. You know she is dating you because she's attracted to you and she thinks that you will help each other grow to be even higher quality, together.

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday. The priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said "I got to be honest with ya Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat".

The priest said: "Well, murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. what changed ya mind?" Murphy replied "Well, after I heard ya sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all!"

With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, hey?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.



Previously on Orsm: TOPLESS #1 - MORE >>

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you".

The husband was thinking to himself "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation "Well, bro, what did you name them?"

Whereupon, his brother replied "I named the little girl Denise".

The husband, relieved, said "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"

The brother winked and replied "Denephew".


RANDOM SHITE 2018 09 27

OLDER SHITE: 20th September - 13th September - 6th September - 30th August - 16th August - 9th August - MORE >>

RETRO SHITE: 4th September 2008 - 18th September 2008 - 25th September 2008

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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.

The doctor says "Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Larry replies "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off". "Wow, that's incredible!" the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry's wife.

"Jennie" he says "Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?" "Oh, sweet Jesus" exclaims Jennie. "He's pissing in the refrigerator again!"



Previously on Orsm: RAVER BABES #3 - RAVER BABES #2 - RAVER BABES #1 - MORE >>

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The journo asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director" she answered. "Interesting" the journalist thought...

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now -in her 80's- a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go".




An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly". The other man said "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns".

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one" replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

PIGTAILS, short shorts and gets very naked..... you guys ok with that?



While I have you...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They are the ducks nuts; literally. You just have a little think about that..
-Next update will be next Thursday. Now is that something you might be interested in?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will come after you in The Purge.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!


orsmupdate 2018.09.20-20.25

Welcome to people... what a bunch of bastards!

Fucking Man Flu. I know girls like to mock us, say its not real, but the GF and I both got the same thing at the same time this week. She managed to power on, go to work, do housework, tend to the kids; I was bedridden for two whole days. Not in any way pretty... positive from every negative though - this is the only time I've been properly sick all winter.

All this in mind it's a fucking miracle this update has not only come together but come together so well... as you guys are about to scroll on and find out for yourselves. Check it...


A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says "Please come down to the hospital. I think I know how to get your wife out of this coma!" so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says "I think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma - it will arouse her enough to bring her out of the coma". So the nurse closes the curtains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. The husband says "I don't know... I think she started choking".
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue". With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie.
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it". She turns to him with a smirk and says "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says "Why do you ask?" She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet".
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies "Now we run!"
A man's daughter turned 18 years old, and he was very glad that it was time to hand over the last alimony check he had to pay his ex-wife. He asked the daughter to approach him, and when she did he said to her "My daughter, I want you to take this check to your mother and tell her that this is the last damn check she will receive from me for the rest of her miserable life. Tell her that. " The girl went to give the check to her mother, and her father was very curious to know how the witch would respond. When the daughter returned, her father asked her right away: "What did your mother say?" "She said she was also looking forward to this day too because she wanted to tell you that you are not my father "...
Sophie and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building - a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Sally says "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him? He looks so lonely". Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely". "Of course I'm lonely, he says "I've spent the past 20 years in prison". "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her". "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her". "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a bridge". "Oh my" says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells "Yoo hoo, Sally. He's single".
A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mum" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" his mother replied. "The rest are for your father".

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Frisky 19Hot Teen Tries Anal For The First Time With A Guy Way Older Than Her - How Much?How Much Anal Can One Tiny Girl Take? - REAL RegretWhat In The Fucking Fuck Is Wrong With People? Both Of Them! - Cunt CopsThis Weekend In Surprising Police Footage - Good GraceGood Grace - Buttfucked To Orgasm On Dining Table & Anal Creampie & ATM - DegradingGroup Of Guys Degrade A Cute Latina Teen - ImpressiveInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Porn On YT!How To Do Basic Naked Yoga Poses With Sara Jean Underwood NSFW - Fallen OutBlanca Blanco Nipples Slip Out Of Her One Piece Bathing Suit - StretchingNaked Stretching Session!

IrresistibleMum Catches Daughter And Dad On Webcam And I Have A Strange Boner About It - Marry Her!Send This Epic Blowjob To Your Girlfriend, Perhaps She Can Learn A Thing Or Two - Too CandidCousin? Brother? Stepfather? How about all of the above. Not the slightest ounce of shame either. And when it comes to light that her brother/boyfriend did time in the pokey for murdering a person... all she can do is LOL. - Phunny DumpPhun.com's Phunny Pictures 289 - Takes It !Amateur Gets Her Ass Stretched To The Limit - POV HomemadePOV Homemade - Teen With Floppy Titties Sucks Dick And Gets Fucked - CamwhoringHow To Destroy A Pretty Ass In 3..2..1... - UnbearableBig Black Cock Breaks The Mudshark - Big IdiotsThe 4 Biggest Idiots You'll See Today, Guaranteed

Teens FTWInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Emmy's NipKeri Russell’s Nipple Flash - NOT SexyCS Presents: The Barbarian - Wet PantiesPhoebe Price In Wet White Panties - Aussie TitsStefania Ferrario Is A Busty Australian Model And She Attended The New York Fashion Week Kick-Off Party Earlier This Month In A See Through Top! Not Loving The Hair But Am Loving The Breasts. - It's JapanMeanwhile... At A Park In Japan... - Sexy BushWhat Does A Legendary Amateur Porn Look Like? This!! - GropeablePhun's Bonus Butts #144 - Dirty GurlWut...? She Swallowed The Whole Thing With Her Butt Hole? - Tight PussyDude Can't Handle The Tight Pussy, Blows A Giant Load Inside

My flat chested wife and I went to see a marriage counsellor today. Counsellor: "What seems to be the problem?" Me: "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."
Two salesmen were going door to door and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat".
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches but totally worth it.


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A cranky older woman in her senior years was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.

She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool".

The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store".

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied in a nasty tone "Nine! But why do you care about that?" The judge answered patiently "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach".

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said "Yes sir, what do you have to add?" The husband said meekly "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas".



Previously on Orsm: SHAVEN HAVEN #3 - SHAVEN HAVEN #2 - SHAVEN HAVEN #1 - MORE >

Dave wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box for an interview.

The inspector asks "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Dave says "I would switch the points for one of the trains".

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box" said Dave "and I'd use the manual lever over there".

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then" Dave continues "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box".

"What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case" persevered Dave "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there".

"What if that was vandalised?" "Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Nev".

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks "Why would you do that?" "Because he's always wanted to see a train crash".


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It was just after the end of the second world war and a US Marine was traveling across France by train to board his ship for home.

The train was quite crowded and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired". She snorted "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window".



Previously on Orsm: POOL TIME 03 - POOL TIME #2 - POOL TIME #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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-22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.
-The Pringles Chips are actually hyperbolic paraboloids. They were made in this shape so that they don't fly off the manufacturing line.
-The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
-Jeans are stitched with orange thread so that it goes well with the coper rivets on pockets.
-In the 1800's, people believed that gin could cure stomach problems.
-An average woman will spend one full year of her lifetime trying to decide what to wear.
-Tears caused by sadness, happiness and onions look different under a microscope.
-Some scientist decided to find out how long it takes some of the most favourite sweets to dissolve in a nostril. You know, for science. For example, a Polo mint takes 42.5 minutes to dissolve.
-The ten most generous countries are all in Europe.
-Collectively Gangnam style had wasted about 23,657.68 years (4:12 playtime with 2.96 billion views) of humanity's time on YouTube.
-About 35% of women in Saudi jails have already served the time they were sentenced to, and are only there because no male family member has come to pick them up.
-The top 8 most developed countries all speak Germanic languages. Every such country is in the top 20.
-You are allowed to have sex in public in Amsterdam's Vondelpark.
-More than 20% of the votes in the 2001 elections in Argentina were invalid.
-It's physically impossible for pigs to look into the sky.
-You can be imprisoned for not voting in Fiji, Chile and Egypt - at least in theory.
-Potato chips were invented in Saratoga Springs in 1853 by chef George Crum as a mocking response to a patron who complained that his French fries were too thick.
-Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
-Hens talk to their chicks in soft tones while they are still in the egg and chicks can be heard peeping back from inside the shell.
-No one knows who lives in the second largest house in London (second after the Buckingham Palace).
-Pearls melt in vinegar.
-Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil. It was found in an edible form even in the Pyramids. So when you call someone 'honey', you are blessing them with a long life.
-26% of all electric cable breaks and 18% of all phone cable disruptions are caused by rats.
-Men actually tend to overestimate women's interest in them, while women tend to underestimate men's interest.
-Female dragonflies often fake their own deaths to avoid having sex.
-When he was a baby Henry VIII of England had two official cradle rockers who were paid £3 a year each to rock his cradle.
-25% of all fires of unknown origin are rat-caused.
-Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
-Consuming chocolate was once considered a sin during the 16th and 17th century. It went on to be used as medicine during the 18th century. It was believed that chocolate could cure a stomach ache.
-In most malls today, perfumes are found at the entrance. There's a reason behind this: before automobiles came in, commuters used depended on horses, which used to leave lots of poop on the roads. To ensure the stench would not enter the sales outlet, perfumes and fragrances were always kept at the entrance. This was done so that the customers would have a pleasant experience the moment they step in.
-Members of the armed forces and the police cannot vote in the Dominican Republic.
-When you fart you lose 0.0371 grams of weight, on an average.
-The 100 richest people in the world earned enough money in 2012 to end global poverty four times.
-Spotify's random function is not random anymore. It used to be but people suspected it is not random so an algorithm was written that randomises the songs so that we humans believe it is random.
-Most Zambians don't live to see their 40th birthday.
-Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the movie down so you could see his moves.
-72% of people in Mali earn less than $1 per day.
-Hudson Bay area of the Canada has 4% less gravity than the rest of the world.
-The Mall in Washington, D.C. is 1.4 times larger than Vatican City.
-The word "Gaga" in Filipino refers to a stupid and idiotic girl.
-The women of Iceland earn two-thirds of their nation's university degrees.
-Black box, the in-flight voice recorder, is painted orange so that it can be spotted easily in the event of a plane crash.
-The eldest children in families tend to develop higher I.Q.'s than their siblings.
-There's a website where you can watch grass grow. There's videos on YouTube where you can watch paint dry.
-Mexican women spend 15.3% of their life in ill health.

Like that lot? More in the Orsm archives here.

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Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Startled, Sophia replies "Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Luigi answers "I see the reflection in my new Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers "Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?" He replies "I see the reflection in my new Armani leather shoes... how do you like them?

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns bright red.

He states "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!" Carmela smiles coyly and answers "Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight..."

Luigi gasps "Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my new Armani leather shoes...!!"



THE GIRL NEXT DOOR previously on Orsm: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy, sweaty armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy sweaty, armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink..?"

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink..!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, George, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina..?"

The drunk replied "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"


RANDOM SHITE 2018 09 20

OLDER SHITE: 13th September - 6th September - 30th August - 16th August - 9th August - 2nd August - MORE >>

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A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.

"Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will".

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

"Yep" said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will" said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it". The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No" said the old-timer "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all".

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No" said the old-timer "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt half as much".



Previously on Orsm: BUILDER FAILS #2 - BUILDER FAILS #1 - MORE >>


No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words:

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?' Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year-old Scotch.



Previously on Orsm: BOOBS ON GLASS #2 - BOOBS ON GLASS #1 - MORE >>

My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.

Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300 was to get her boyfriend out of Jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300 because we all need help at times.

So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the prison It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response... so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!


A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.





-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I'll know if you did or not.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Man flu notwithstanding.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will keep putting needles in strawberries.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and just remember - I'm the best. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2018.09.13-23.50

Welcome to I'm the one that I want hoo hoo hoo.

Running a little late with this one although if you usually check the update any other time than Thursday night (my time that is) then it won't bother you in the slightest. It's been a pretty mental week - there's been some changes around the site which you may or may not notice; mostly to the video player. Of course, when I sat down last week to get it all happening it seemed relatively straightforward... but NOPE! Obstacle after fucking obstacle and each one took a little nibble here and there and suddenly the week has gone to shit. The biggest issue was SSL. Ever played with that? Its how your browser knows a website is safe. I'll have to take their word for it because fuck if I know what was happening. A whole lot of support tickets with techs and SSL support folks eventually got it resolved. And yes, *I* was the problem. All finally came good in the end thankfully. We've also updated to the player blah blah etc, so on and so forth.

The next clusterfuck is my NAS (Network Attached Storage) - basically a big hard drive. You see, I cleverly use two of them at home to backup my data. One as the main storage and the other to back that one up. The backup NAS failed without warning about a month ago. Overpriced piece of shit with a long history of eating hard drives and dicks. And then yesterday the other/main NAS failed. What are the chances? Don't know what happens next but one of them is hopefully salvageable to recover my data back otherwise there's going to be a very uncomfortable convo with the GF about having lost all the family photos.

Annnnnyway lets get rolling. This update is pure fucking brilliance. Can't really sell it beyond that, can I? By the way - if you have any issues playing videos please drop me an email! Check it...


A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her. When he finished and was still panting, the wife said "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light... "No madam" said the gardener.
At a medical conference recently, delegates were deliberating on what name to give to a major breakthrough in sex-change procedures. A fast, new procedure which can instantly change a woman into a man was unveiled. They sat for hours trying to think out a name. "We have hysterectomies, vaginoplasties, penectomies, mastectomies, and so on and so forth. What on earth do we call this new operation? "Until one young doctor jumped up and said excitedly "How about we call it the addadicktome?"
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you". "Yes, but are you good in bed?" "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks. "Not really" says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No" she responds. "Would some beautiful new jewellery do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated. "Nah"... she shrugs. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks". "Well what WOULD you like?" John asks. "John, I'd like a divorce" answers Mary. Sorry" John sighed. "I wasn't planning on spending that much".
Signs you are getting old:
1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.
2. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
3. You are proud of your lawn mower.
4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.
5. You can sing along with elevator music.
6. Someone calls your house at 8pm, and asks "Did I wake you up?"
One day these two best friends Steve and Bob were walking through the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick. Since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor "Quick quick! I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis". The doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself!" Bob asked "Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom!?" The doctor says "Sorry there's nothing we can do" So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Steve says with pain " So what did the doctor say?" Bob says" That your gonna die".
A woman walks in to a gynaecologist's office. He looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window because she is fiiiiiine. He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks her. "Yes - you're checking for any broken or damaged skin". "Yes" he replies. He then begins to fondle her tits "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks her. "Yes - your checking for any lumps that could be cancerous". "Yes" he replied. Then he mounted her... and started having sex with her... "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks her. "Yep - you're getting herpes! Which is why I came to see you in the first place".

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Great ServiceWaitresses In Germany Really Take Care Of Their Customers... - Dirty DaddyA Couple Of Daughter's Swap Daddies... And Body Fluids. - HOT GingerWatch This Busty Ginger Masturbating With A Dildo - About Time!There's Just No Forgetting You Did Something Like This. Their Throats Will Be Forever Agaped. The Chronic Oral Queefing Has Already Set In. They're Essentially Walking, Talking Whoopie Cushions And Yet... They Remain In Good Spirits. - DumpsInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Tiiiiny TeenTiny Teen Plays With A Massive Cock - Talking Shit5 People Learn The Meaning Of "Talk Shit, Get Hit" - Fine As F!Candice Swanepoel Looking Fine As Fuck In A Bikini On A Beach Somewhere. - 1/2 SistersHalf Sisters, All Awesome - Close BJBlowjob, Mouthfuck Deepthroat And Close Up Cum In Mouth

Rose's TitsRose McGowan Goes Fully Topless On Her Instagram - Red BikiniCamila Morrone Is A Model From Argentina, And She Is Currently In The News A Lot Because Leonardo Di Caprio Is Reportedly Sticking His Dick In Her. Looking At These Pics Of Camila’s Boobs In A Red Bikini. I Can See Why He Would. - Ama 3way - But Why!?Nothing Makes A Road Trip Fly By Faster Then Riding A 12-Inch Dildo? - Hard SexedTeen's First Porn Gets Painful As Her Ass Gets Pulled Inside Out - Love 'Em!Phun's Bonus Butts #145 - Boning HerLoud Little Girl Screams Bloody Murder As Her Pipes Get Cleaned - Obvo Much?Her Idea Of A Lunch Date Is Getting Fucked... Chicks From Belgium Are Slutty! - Lake AnalCouple Has Anal Sex On A Jetski In Public - Ama ChixInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck!

Pay GapPROOF: The Gender Pay Gap Is Bullshit - Model TitsKate Dyakonova Nude Photoshoot - Hand-PickedPhun.com's Phunny Pictures 287 - Att. SeekingAngelique Morgan Braless In See Through Pink Top - Rockin' ItChristine McGuinness Is A British Model And She Was Seen Wearing A Red Dress While Leaving A Spa In London! Her Tits Are BIG And That's About All You Need To Know. :- - Tinder WinLook At What I Found On Tinder... And Fucked! - Train SexThere's Nothing Quite Like An Obedient Asian GF... LOL! - Orgasms - Debt Cleared"Don't Have Insurance...? OK, LETS FUCK THEN!" - Nasty SlutAmateur Girlfriend Loves Cock In Her Mouth, Even When It's Pissing

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart? "That's easy" he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks".
Donald Trump was recently asked "Do you know the difference between Sunni and Shia?" He thought for a few seconds then replied " I don't know which is which but I know they sung 'I GOT YOU BABE'..."
I gave my misses an orgasm, but the ungrateful bitch spat it out.
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased" she said. "I'm sure you're right" replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it" said Helen. "Thirty thousand". "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone". Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats".


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I never get sick of these sorts of things - obviously there's amusement in other people's pain but if nothing else there's valuable lessons in how not be one... unless that's your thing then they just remain valuable lessons. Checm 'em...

-My girlfriend and I went on holiday with a load of my mates the week before I had a major job interview. On day two, I went diving but my girlfriend stayed with my mates and spent the whole time telling them how amazing I was. We go out that night, she kisses another girl and spends day three hanging out together. She initially shrugs it off as a joke. Then she decides it isn't a joke. As we are breaking up she asks "But, do you really want to be with someone who is going to cheat on you?" Then she offers to be my wingman for the rest of the holiday.

-He broke up with me via a Facebook message. A FACEBOOK MESSAGE. When we lived on the same floor in the dorm at college. That is the equivalent of a Post-It note in today's society. Apparently face to face was too hard for him.

-My girlfriend and I had been on the rocks for ages and I was on the verge of ending it. I went out to a club with my friends and bumped into a girl from work. I didn't fancy her but in my drunken state decided if I kissed her then there was no going back, and I would feel so guilty I would have to dump my girlfriend. It took me three days, but I did it.

-So I'm about to jump in the shower and my boyfriend texts me saying that he's going to head over early, the night before we had made plans to go out. A little while later he pokes his head in the bathroom to let me know that he was there and that he'd hang out in my room to wait for me. I get out of the shower all wrapped in my towel, open my door, and he's there sitting on the edge of my bed with a piece of paper in his hand. I was still in my towel. "You're breaking up with me aren't you?" He shakes his head yes "I wrote you a letter. Do you wanna get dressed first?" "A LETTER?! YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME IN A LETTER?! WTF?!" "Just read it". "Read it in front of you?!" So yeah, I read it. This jerk didn't even rewrite the letter. There were words scratched out. Favourite one was "... I don't love you anymore". When the original line clearly said "... I don't love you as much anymore". I read the whole two-page letter in my towel while he said absolutely nothing.

-Broke up with a girl after she had done so much for me. She wanted to move in together and I felt she was just moving way too fast. I hadn't realised what day it was and it turned out I broke up with her on her birthday.

-I shared all my firsts with my first serious boyfriend and invested a lot of my identity in him. We were together for two years or so, and it took me nearly two more years before I felt comfortable moving on. I became the hysterical crying girl in high school. You don't want to be that girl. Ah, homecoming, what a nice time! Oh wait, you miss your ex so you better go cry in the bathroom. Oh boy, it's your birthday and you're at Oktoberfest with your friends! Nope, gotta be sad about all the couples around you and go cry under a tree. Wanna see a movie? Sure thing, just need to step outside the theatre and cry for some ridiculous reason related to your ex. I've had really awful breakups since, but that first one bothered me for so long. I didn't think I'd ever be happy or fall in love again.

-It was just a few days after Valentine's Day (where he gave me a card saying something like "I can't believe we've been dating this long but I love it and you". We spent the afternoon together - he bought me lunch and we walked around Walmart. We went back to my apartment and he walked me to my door and before I went inside he said "I don't know how to say this, but"... and proceeded to break up with me. Note to all guys out there: Don't take a girl to lunch and then break up with her an hour later.

-After being single for a year, I jumped back into the dating pool and was randomly introduced to a guy by his sister. Great guy, was totally what I wanted in someone, and we seemed to be hitting it off great. I met his family, we talked about going on trips together (we love to travel) and so on. But one random, random day he texted me and said "Let's get dinner and talk about where we see things going. I do not think I'm ready for a relationship and think you are". I knew exactly where this was going. I kindly responded that there might be a misunderstanding and that we could talk. POOF, never, ever heard from the dude again. He did the famous disappearing act.

-I once dated this guy in high school. One day I walked out of class to find my friend holding a calculator (you know, the graphing ones that you can type letters into) and she told me to read it. He had written me a message telling me he thinks it's better this way and that this represented our relationship. He broke up with me through a graphing calculator. A. GRAPHING. CALCULATOR.

-Broke up with her completely out of the blue after two years. I never talked to her about how incompatible I felt in the relationship because she would tell her parents all of our problems and I didn't want that pressure. It devastated her, as she had been talking to her friends about marriage or moving in with me. But we couldn't have been on a more different page, and I did it all at once with no warning or signs. We were 23.

-It was a case of be apart or die together. Our relationship was nuts - loads of partying, crazy sex. We were mad about each other. We stayed up all night shouting, crying and kissing and eventually broke up. In the morning I crept out and haven't seen her since, but I still think about her.

-I was engaged to be married to a guy. We had dated in high school, broken up, gotten back together a decade or so later, and had a wonderful relationship. Or so I thought. It was long distance, but we were just months away from our wedding, so I quit my job, gave notice on my apartment, all that good stuff. Days later, he calls me and says "I love you, but I don't want to marry you or have you move down here". Completely devastated. But, after running away for a week, my boss gave me my job back and my landlord was cool. Things were slowly getting on track... then I got a call. I had won one of those damn "win the dress of your dreams" contests in Bride Magazine. I asked them to give it to someone else.

Want more? There's more in the Orsm archives here and here.

Sorcerers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6



Previously on Orsm: CREEPING #5 - CREEPING #4 - CREEPING #3 - CREEPING #2 - CREEPING #1 - MORE >

He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,

that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, cowboy... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".


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A man has been undergoing medical treatment and meets with his doctor to review some tests.

DOCTOR: "I'm sorry, but I have bad news. Your condition is now incurable, and you have only 6 months to live. I recommend you get your affairs in order".

MAN: "That's terrible! Isn't there anything you can do? Surely there's some treatment!"

DOCTOR: "No, we've been using the best available medicines, and they aren't working".

MAN: "I'll try anything... what about experimental treatments?"

DOCTOR: "There aren't any for your disease, I'm afraid".

MAN, desperate: "Maybe alternate medicine??"

DOCTOR, impatient: Well, I don't believe in that stuff, but if you insist... you can go to the spa up the road every day and get a mud bath".

MAN: "Really? That will help?"

DOCTOR: "No, but it will get you used to dirt".




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I may be middle-class, but I'm hard. Al dente, you might say.
--Jimmy Carr

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
--Robert Benchley

I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
--Sue Murphy

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
--Jeremy Limb

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
--Buzz Belmondo

Eighty-two point six per cent of statistics are made up on the spot.
--Vic Reeves

How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the deal on those anyway? You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck.
--Jim Samuels

If you're being chased by a police dog; try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
--Milton Jones

You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very simple" I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water"...
--Michael Prichard

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whoa, I'm way too high".
--Mark Pitta

Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from earth?
--Rich Hall

Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labour, they go straight into management.
--Jake Johansen

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
--Jimmy Carr

I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented "Bambi" and "The Deerhunter".
--Mark Guido

One day my father took me aside and left me there.
--Jackie Vernon

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
--Emo Philips

I play golf even though I hate it. I'm not done with a game yet. I hate those windmills.
--Steve Kravitz

If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
--Will Kommen

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

It was so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
--Henry Youngman

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
--Steven Wright

My mother wants grandchildren, so I said "Mum, go for it!"
--Fred Reiss

There are various ways to give up smoking - nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
--Paul Merton

I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I get out of the chair when I'm not expecting it.
--Dylan Moran

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
--Jack Whitehall

She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.
--Les Dawson

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names.
--Bo Burnham

I don't believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarian, and we're sceptical.
--Arthur C. Clark

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
--Gary Delaney

First the doctor told me the good news - I was going to have a disease named after me.
--Steve Martin

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
--Emo Philips

I don't like all this fresh air. I'm from Los Angeles. I don't trust any air I can't see.
--Bob Hope

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
--Gary Delaney

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problems?'
--Emo Philips

For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.
--Robert White

I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
--Mark Twain

I'm in therapy at the moment. I don't need it, obviously, but I got all these psychiatrist gift vouchers for Christmas which my family clubbed together for. What I wanted was a crossbow.
--Sean Lock

I base most of my fashion sense on what doesn't itch.
--Gilda Radner

Dad can you get my coat? "Erm no son that is in the cupboard and that is where the goblins live".
--Russell Howard

My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib.
--Woody Allen

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Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!

I went to my nearby pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled "HELL NO!!!"

I said "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief!

My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I am not allowed to go back to that pharmacy, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anyway.



CHANGING ROOM SELFIES previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A priest and a nun are on a donkey in the desert the donkey dies of exhaustion the priest says to the nun "I haven't really seen a woman naked before". The nun says "Oh is that so?" The priest then says "Yes it is true... will you please get naked for me while we spend our soon to be last hours in the desert?" The nun says "Yes I will, Father" and strips down to her birthday suit.

The priest looks at her vagina and says "What's that?" The nun says "It's my black hole - you stick things in it and it brings life!" The priest says "Oh really?" The nun nods.

Shortly after the nun says "I haven't ever seen a man naked - will you please get naked for me as I did for you?" "Indeed" replies the priest and quickly strips down to his birthday suit.

The nun stares at his penis and eventually says "What's that?" The priest reply's "That's my staff of life - you stick it in black holes and it brings life!" The nun reply's "Well stick it up the donkey's black hole and let's get moving!"


RANDOM SHITE 2018 09 13

OLDER SHITE: 6th September - 30th August - 16th August - 9th August - 2nd August - 26th July - 19th July - MORE >>

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A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared!"

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail".

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.

The pastor finally stands up and says "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war".

"Yes, that's true". says the old pilot. "But these Fokkers were flying Messerschmitt's!"



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary "I won the prize for the Best Toast Of The Night".

She said "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife". "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary".

She said "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".





Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I'll be sure to remind you again next week in case you forget...
-Next update will be next Thursday. Coming up on 19 years of Orsm around there too would you believe.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will capture you one day when you're not expecting it. You'll be drugged and taken to his secret lair where he'll peform a reverse gastric sleeve surgery on you. The difference is he'll be making your stomach over 80% larger meaning you will always feel hungry.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep it awks. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2018.09.06-20.28

Welcome to the only man I know who can't even *win* gracefully.

The longer I stare at the screen trying to force some words out, the more I realise its just going to ruin what is otherwise a stunning update if I start it with a bunch of bullshit no one cares about. So lets not do that. Except to say, what a gigantic piece of shit this bitch is. Its people like her that fuck up for the world just as much as guys who do actually do the wrong thing to women.

Alright let's get down to biz shall we? Its no doubt been a long week for all of us and the best way to make that go away is by putting your feet up and enjoying the brand spanker! Check it...


The red head was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled "TORNADO!" All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. He followed in the red-head's footprints and this time screamed "SANDSTORM!" The gullible ISIS members again ducked for cover while he escaped. The blonde thought to herself "This is going to be easy. These people are idiots". The blonde stood with a smug look on the shooting block while the ISIS leader roared "Ready... Aim..." The blonde yelled "FIRE!"
The other day I pinned a picture of my wife to the bull's eye of my dartboard and was trying to hit her in the face with a new set of top-flights I had just bought with our vacation money (what actually started the argument and hostility). Anyway, I just couldn't get it 100% on target, and as I was throwing, she rang. "What are you busy doing right now, jackass?" she asked. So, I decided to give her the harsh truth "Oh, nothing really, just missing you..."
My girlfriend is a real screamer, if you know what I mean. You should hear her... especially when she walks in on me and the woman from next door.
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love". The old man replied "I thought so...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks!"
I've been married for over 30 years now and the other night the wife asked quite innocently "How would you describe me?" I looked at her for a while and then said "Your A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She then asked "What do you mean?" and I said. "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She smiled happily and said "Oh darling, That's so lovely... but what about I, J, K?" So I said "I'm just kidding" The swelling on my eye is going down and the Doctor is fairly optimistic about saving the family jewels.
One day a cop driving down the street saw two ladies with a sign that read "Two girls for the price of one". He stops and tells them to get rid of the sign or he will run them in! They comply and he proceeds down the street only to pass a man with a sign that says Jesus Saves. The cop just waves as he passes and the girls see this. The next day they are waiting on the cop to drive by and as he does they flag him down. The girls say that they saw him let the guy with the sign down the street keep his sign, and they don't think that he was fair with them. The cop says "You two dumbarses! That was a religious sign!" and drives off. The next day he drives by and low and behold the gals have a sign that reads "Two fallen angels looking for Peter".
One day on a bus, every passenger was female but the driver. There was a student, a waitress, a flight attendant, a hooker and a nun. Then a guy boarded the bus and declared a hold up. So everybody gave their money, jewelleries and other pricey belongings. But the robber wasn't content. He threatened "I will rape each one of you!". So everybody got more nervous and afraid, the students and other ladies were all crying. So the hooker stood up and told the guy "Just rape me, since that is the nature of my job, I don't care how many times you want to do it, just let them go". But the nun slapped the slut in the face and said "Will you shut up? Didn't you hear what he said"? He said EVERYBODY!"

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Cunt WreckerShe May ACTUALLY Still Be A Teen But This DEFINITELY Isn't Her First Rodeo - She's Taken Some Cock In Her Time For Sure! - Dil-DroneNew From Amazon....... The Dildo Drone !! - Sex FailsOnly 1 Thing Compliments The Relaxed Feel Of A Holiday Weekend - And That's Getting More Rash On Your Crotch From A Guy You Salad-Tossed Than The Toilet In A Portuguese Farmhouse. And To Those Inbreds In The Last Clip: End The Bloodline Here. This Never Needs To Happen Again. - FingererBrunette Masturbating In Public On Second Floor Balcony People Below - The EyerollWebcam Girl Looks Possessed When She Orgasms - Drunk ChicksThere's Two Kinds Of Drunk Girls You Find At 3:00am - Kendall's TitsKendall Jenner Nipples - So SeeThruAlexis Skyy In Only Panties & See Through Gown At Bet Awards - AmazingAlisa Is Naked And Gorgeous While Posing In A Completely White Room! That Last Shot Is Perfection. - FappablePhun's Bonus Butts #146

Pure BeefInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Cums BucketsHe Came Five Times?? WTF! - Just SuperbAMAZING! School Girl Takes A Ram Rod Up Her Ass - Whaaaat??I Don't Remember Playing This Metal Gear DLC...!! - POV FuckFucking My Hot Roommate In The Morning POV 4k - UpskirtedAlessandra Ambrosio Unwittingly Flashing Her Pussy And Arsehole Like You’d Want Her To Be Doing. Nice Work, Alessandra - Sexy SlipClaudia Alende Nipple Slip On A Photoshoot - Euro MILFNice Outdoor Strip By Busty Euro MILF Blondie Fesser Who Happens To Have One Of The Most Banging Porn Bodies Right Now! - Sex SchoolTeachers Caught Fucking In The Hallway???? Schools In Europe Are Nuts! - Anal VirginTeen Loses Her Anal Virginity And It Wasn't Easy

Nice StretchTeen Forces Monster Anal Beads Up Her Ass - It's PainalHot! Amateur Girl Gets Her Ass Destroyed In The Wood Shed - Midget PornA Clown, The Midget, And The Big Baby... It Doesn't Get Any Better Then This! - MILF WorshipInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - SURELY Not?Overzealous Producer Does The Unthinkable: Asks His Lead Actress To Inhale A Blob Of Her Own Mother's Farm-Fresh Protein. But Instead Of Saving A Minuscule Amount Of Self-Respect For Her Own Golden Years, She Chows Down Like The Amazon Gift Card They Paid Her With Was Worth It. - $550k !LMAO: What's The Worst Way To Spend $550,000? - She's SchmickSo Where Do I Start? Let's Start With A Simple Fact. I Think That Alica Schmidt Is The Perfect Woman. - Prego Analo8 Months Pregnant And Loves Anal???? Russian Chicks Are Awesome! - "It Hurts!!"18-Year-Old Was A Little Too Arrogant, Thought She Could Take Anal... She Was Wrong

There were 3 gay men and their partners all died at around the same time. On their way to the morgue, the guy who worked there asked them where they want to spread their partners ashes. The first gay guy says "I want to spread his ashes over the ocean because he loved to swim!" The second gay guy says "I want to spread his ashes on a mountain because he loved to climb". And then the third gay guy says "I want to spread him all over my chili, and the guy who worked at the morgue asked "WHY?" and he said" So he can tear my ass up one more time".
Johnny was playing outside when he had to go to the bathroom. He runs inside his house and his grandma was in the bathroom naked about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says "What's that?" She says "Well, it's a beaver, Johnny". The next day the same thing happens, only his mum is taking the shower. He says "Mum I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because its tongue is hanging out".
The wife came out of the bathroom after her shower, stark naked and walked into the bedroom. She said to me "Babe, shut the curtains, I don't want the neighbours to see me naked." "Don't worry," I replied, "if the neighbours see you naked, they'll shut their own fucking curtains!"


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-"My mother was a nurse, and a guy came in with his foot SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE - I'm talking, like, between his toes to his ankle. He accidentally ran it over with a tractor".

-"So had this probably 300-400 lb woman on the ward, they think she may have a bladder infection. Since she's so big, no hope in the world of catching a proper specimen the normal way, so have to put a catheter in to drain the urine. There's me holding back skin/fat folds on the right, another nurse on the left, and the third nurse holding the tube trying to find the right hole. I'm holding probably 20lbs worth of extra skin back and no luck, so have to brace my forearms against the skinfolds, to try and pull back even more from around the hoo-ha area. Eventually see a little dimple, YES! SUCCESS!! Tries putting the catheter in, but not going in for some reason, while the patient starts saying "oh, oh, oh, I don't think that's quite right, that hurts, you're too far forward" Turns out the clitoris doesn't pack on fatty tissue, so looked like a sunken little dot when surrounded by the pounds and pounds of extra fat. So we had to go even deeper to find that liquid gold".

-"I did surgery on a guy who, on his 21st birthday, got drunk and high and decided to sit on the edge of a large fish tank. The glass broke and SLICED OFF HIS ENTIRE BUTT CHEEK! It was bad. There was literally a whole flap of butt meat hanging on by a little bit of skin".

-"So, my sister-in-law is a labour and delivery nurse, and I've heard some crazy, crazy shit. This one sticks with me though. Patient was in labour, and the baby had died (not sure if it happened in the hospital, or before she arrived). Either way, she knew, but it was late-term, and it was essentially easier and safer to deliver the foetus than operate. She delivers the foetus breach (feet first), and the head gets stuck. Then, the head detaches. So, the patient delivered a headless (dead) baby. Of course, they need to get the head out, so she gets wheeled into surgery. My sister-in-law walks into the OR to see the head roll off the bed and fall on the ground".

-"A husband and wife came in, both slightly drunk. The husband had a huge gash on his left butt cheek - we're talking five inches long, two-inch-wide, six inches deep. Apparently, the wife and husband were having sex on their bed, with the husband on top. They rolled over to switch positions, and the he fell off and landed on the ear of a ceramic pig, with the wife falling on top of him".

-"A Royal Marine, not long back from Belize, came into casualty at the hospital I work at. He had a 'cyst' swollen on the back of his neck. The guy was in agony. 3 local anaesthetic injections later, the doc attempted to lance the thing and it moved. He peeled off the top layer of skin to reveal a massive larvae wriggling underneath. About the size of a 50 pence coin. It popped out without any problems and was huge when it was unravelled. The hole in the marine's neck was clean, amazingly. Great example of a host".

-"One night a family came in with an eight-year-old boy. He had been at the laundromat with his grandmother and went to get clothes out of the dryer. You know how sometimes when you open the door, it keeps on spinning? When the little boy reached in to get the clothes, his arm got caught in the spinning mechanism and it literally just ripped his arm off. It was a horrifying sight. To this day, I always hesitate when I take clothes out of the dryer".

-"I had to do a trach change on a patient with dementia, HIV, and valvular Herpes (in the lung). This patient was out of their mind and tried to bite people. While changing the trach, the patient gave me a demon stare the whole time. The patient coughed at me, spraying blood on my face shield, almost hitting my eye with HIV/Herpes blood".

-"A female patient was referred to us from a local hospital. She went camping and was bitten on the butt by an unknown bug. It became inflamed, then infected, and had to be cleaned out, which the ER did a horrible job doing. I assisted the doctor in removing the bandage from this poor woman's ass, only to find a gaping, open, festering wound. The smell was horrendous, and the wound was several inches deep. Now I refuse to go camping".

-"I worked at an Anatomic Pathology Laboratory which was divided up into different sections. I spent most of my time in Cytology which is mostly swabs like PAP Smears, but we received all the lab's gynaecological specimens first then passed them on to other sections like Histology or PCR. This was by far the strangest "specimen" ever: a disturbed woman had been going to the beach, picking out shells, then inserting them into her vagina. After a while she fell ill (horrific infection) and the family took her to the hospital. They were just compacted up inside of her, as many as she could fit. It was so atrocious since they were dirty but the poor woman had cut herself with jagged shards of shell. We received the shells to document (for social workers/doctors/possible evidence of neglect on her caretakers) and store but once all charges/suspicions were cleared, they were destroyed with all the other medical waste. It was disgusting but the oddness of it all just topped it".




WOMAN: "Do you drink beer?"
MAN: "Yes".
WOMAN: "How many beers a day?"
MAN: "Usually about three".
WOMAN: "How much do you pay per beer?"
MAN: "$5.00 which includes a tip".
WOMAN: "And how long have you been drinking?"
MAN: "About 20 years, I suppose".
WOMAN: "So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, that would be approximately $5400, correct?"
MAN: "Sounds Correct".
WOMAN: "If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, over the past 20 years puts your spending at about $108,000, correct?"
MAN: "Again, sounds about right".
WOMAN: "Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?"
MAN: "Could be true. Do you drink beer?"
WOMAN: "No".
MAN: "Where is your airplane?"


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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick" he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that". "Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you" he said.

The receptionist replied "Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".

The man replied "You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone".

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear" he stated loudly. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"What is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it" he replied.



Previously on Orsm: THOSE LEGS #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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-"While working in the ER, a man casually walked in with a butcher knife in his eye socket. He was mugged and stabbed. Luckily it just missed his eyeball".

-"This one comes from my buddy who was in EMT training: They get a call responding from what they originally thought was a gunshot wound. Apparently they called it over the radio as just a chest wound. She arrives at the scene and there's a guy lying in his garage with a gaping hole through his chest. He's dead. She's looking around the body and trying to see where the entry hole was for the bullet when she is informed by other paramedics already on the scene that there wasn't one. Turns out, the guy was masturbating with a broom up his ass. To get a good angle and really get it up there, he was doing this while standing on a stool. While on the stool, he slipped off the stool, landing on the broom that was poking out of his behind. The broom snapped inside of him and a shard came out through his chest".

-"My aunt is a nurse and once had a guy come in with pain in his leg. They took him back and discovered a big, infected cut and a bunch of bumps around it. After trying to dig some junk out of it, they found living fly eggs and maggots living inside his infected cut".

-"Worked in a suburban hospital almost a decade ago. There was a multiple vehicle accident in the middle of the night. Patient arrives in the ER with his foot almost completely detached from his ankle. Patient was apparently standing on the car brake to try and stop his vehicle during the accident. After impact, his foot must have been compressed in such a way that it became at a right angle from the rest of his body. When you walked past his bed in the ER you passed one normal foot and then were staring into the two distal portions of the tibia and fibula, hanging tendons and ligaments, muscles that were marred, dripping blood, and a hanging foot".

-"A man comes to the ED after putting his scrotum in a blender. Yes, a blender. Why? He said, 'I was drunk, man, and my friend dared me.' He was very lucky and only suffered two minor lacerations".

-"My father works in the ER of a major hospital in MA. One day they get a call to prep for a man with a pen in his eye. Usually no big deal except that this was a psych patient and he's the one who put the pen there by holding it near his eye and running face first into a wall. Luckily it didn't penetrate his brain but he was completely catatonic. Did not respond to anything but was completely awake. My dad, fearing that there is nothing stopping this man from just shoving it the rest of the way in with his hand, restrains the man just in case. Surgery goes fine and they send him up to recovery. Sadly, as when many hospital accidents occur, there was a shift change. The new shift didn't know to restrain the man and he ended up biting his finger off and wiping his blood on any person who came near, and when no one would approach him he would just fling his bloody stump around spraying blood everywhere".

-"So my attending told me that during his residency for surgery, he used to work in the clinic waiting for surgical cases to come through. This young guy came in with a colostomy stoma (opening) problem and wanted to get it checked out. So he goes to inspect it, pulls off the colostomy bag and there were ulcers and warts all over the stoma. Turns out the guy was prostituting himself and letting guys fuck his colostomy hole".

-"I was in the operating room, ready to prep the skin of a severely necrotic foot. As I went to pick up the foot, several toes came off and fell into my hands".

-"Was shadowing a doctor deciding if I wanted to be one (currently awaiting my interviews) and this woman came into the ER. I go in with my doctor and she's acting very strangely. The doc asks her why she's here and she says "I have leaves growing out of my vagina". We look at each other, look back at her, and both say "What?" at the same time. So she strips down and sure enough... leaves. I grew up on a farm and recognise it right away but keep my mouth shut. He puts in the speculum, says AHA! and extracts a hollowed-out potato end. As soon as she sees it she's like "OH YEAH!, I forgot about that". (this woman clearly has some other shit going on). So she tells us how her and her boyfriend wanted to have sex but didn't have a condom and couldn't find her cervical cap. They got creative and made one out of a potato... and she 'guesses she forgot about it'".

-"A patient came in with an arrow through their skull. The arrow was inserted in the space near the upper eyelid and went several inches back into the skull. It was a typical case of 'hold my beer and watch this.' The patient lost vision in that eye but otherwise made a full recovery".

-"My good friend is a nurse's attendant. The strangest thing she's ever told me about was a woman who came into the ER after a suicide attempt. This woman had slit her wrists and her throat. She had almost completely severed one hand and her head was being held on by the skin at the back of her neck and maybe a bit of muscle. Somehow the paramedics got her to the hospital alive. My friend has to hold this woman's head in place while the doctors did their thing. The patient died (to no one's surprise) and the doctor made my friend look down the neck with the head held back as a little anatomy lesson".

-"I was a nursing student at the time when a huge commotion caught my eye. I asked a nurse if I could step behind the curtain to see what was going on. A man had a jet skiing accident and impaled himself on a wooden pole that was about six inches in diameter. The pole went through his groin and into his abdomen. The surgery team tried to form a plan to get it out of the poor guy. I never found out how it ended, but in the five years I've been a registered nurse, I've never seen anything like it!"

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The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration,
as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' licence plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish Emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car".



CELEB NIP SLIPS previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

This Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said "Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home".


RANDOM SHITE 2018 09 06

OLDER SHITE: 30th August - 16th August - 9th August - 2nd August - 26th July - 19th July - MORE >>

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At the National Art Gallery, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. "In fact" he pointed out "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an man who'd been lingering nearby approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery" asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture" he replied "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all".

"They're just three coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".



One day a woman went to her doctor. She told the doctor that she wasn't having good sex. The doctor gave her a bottle of Viagra, and said "Put ONE pill in your husbands drink and you'll have good sex".

So the next day the woman went home and did indeed put ONE pill in her husband's drink and had good sex.

Then she wondered how good it would be if she put TWO pills... so she tried and had sex so good she almost cried!

So then she wondered what the whole bottle would get her. Of course she tried it.

A few weeks later the doctor called and the little boy answered. The doctor said he was wondering how his mum was doing with the pills. He said" Thanks to you my mum's dead, my sisters pregnant, and my dad's running down the street saying here kitty, kitty, kitty".





Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I won't ask you twice. Just kidding - I say it literally every single week.
-Next update will be next Thursday... like it is every Thursday... except when it wasn't two weeks ago... but there was good reason for that... it was beyond my control... but we pushed through it and came back strong last week... thankfully no one died... despite some of the BS people had to say about it... like how I only ever update Orsm now whenever I feel like it... which, yep, you guessed it, is every fucking Thursday... except the one two weeks ago!!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will call for another leadership spill. He can do this all day, people!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and West Coast for the premiership... OBVIOUSLY. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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