A general guide to Redneck etiquette...
- Never take a beer
to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change
- Even if you're certain that you are included in
the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a
U-Haul to the funeral home.
- When decanting wine,
make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly
so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold
it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
- A centerpiece for
the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter
how good his manners are.
- While ears need to
be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant
is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of finger foods.
(OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
- Always offer to bait
your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've
been wanting to go out with you since I read that
stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected
back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday."
If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility
to get her to school on time.
- Crying babies should
be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
- Livestock, usually,
is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit
with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks
and shoes for this special occasion.
- Dim your headlights
for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with
the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral