Orsm.net on Facebook Orsm.net on Instagram Orsm.net on Twitter
orsmupdate 2017.01.19-18.40

Welcome to vanilla ice cream - WHAT'S EVEN THE POINT?

I'm not going to lie... so much went into this motherfucking update that I ran out of time to write a blog section thingy up the top here. Starting to think that it may be better to keep it that way for the rest of Jan. After all next Thursday is the Australia Day public holiday and fuck if anyone wants to sit in front of the 'puter all day. On the other hand, the 'puter is what saves me from having to interact with people soooo lets not rule anything out yet.

My only news, well not my ONLY news, I'm not THAT boring, like I have news, probably, but I'm not going to write about it because that would defeat the purpose of saying I'm not going to write a proper long blog section thingy and then writing one, is that the broken iPhone situation thing mentioned last week is both better and worse. Took it to the Apple Store who said it was damaged beyond repair from dropping. No arguments there. That poor iPhone must've been dropped hundreds of times over the past 2 years. Come to think of it, I dropped it travelling in the States in 2015 which required a new screen and, come to think of it, got travel insurance to foot the bill.

So annnnyway went online to my insurance company and made a claim. Literally wrote "I dropped my phone :-(". They called 30 minutes later to say they'll pay for a replacement and waive the excess. Pretty impressive. Next hurdle was to make a third Apple Store appointment/visit. Of course the next available was Saturday which doesn't suit. So... decided to go with the post option, sent it on Monday, they are supposed to notify by SMS when it's received. Of course haven't heard a thing 3 days later. So my question is - will insurance pay out again on the same claim if it is lost in the post?

Al right here's a rather large stack of jokes to get you going. If you don't laugh then YOU'RE a joke. And a little bitch. And in some cases a dog. But I digress. Check it...


A guy's walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker. He says "How much?" She says "Twenty bucks". He says "All right". They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars. She says "What's the extra five?" He says "That's for blowing the sand off my balls".
A man was stranded in the desert for ten years. One day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man and said "Would you like a cigar?" The man said "Lady, I ain't smoked in ten years". So, the woman unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a cigar. Then, she said "Would you like a drink?" The man said "Lady, I ain't drank in ten years". So, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said "Would you like to play around?" The man said with astonishment... "You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there, too?!?"
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything" the woman countered. "Think about this... when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle 5". He says "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife". The clerk says "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says "No, I only call her that in public". The clerk says "What do you call her when you're home?" He says "Lard ass".
A farmer goes halves with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbour's cows!" "Wow!" says his friend "What did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint".
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing" says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum". The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "WATCH THE FUCKING WALL!"
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!" which the guy took to be pleasurable. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No... you got the right hole..."
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand" said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Click for more awesomeness

ScarJo SexdollMan Builds A Creepy Lifelike Scarlett Johansson Robot For $50,000 In His Apartment - Fucking MINT!Proof That Having A Horn That Sounds Like A Train Is Very Useful - Gamer GurlsSelfless, An All Women Counter-Strike Team Discuss What It’s Like To Be A Female Professional Gamer - Don't Touch!What Happens When A Touchy Person Meets A Non-Touchy Person - Vagina FailPorn Audition Fail: Why The Fuck Is That In Your Pussy? - U Mad?Woah! Looks Like T-Mobile Pissed Off The Wrong Customer - Only Butts!If You Hate Pics Of Hot Girls With Mazing Asses Then DO NOT Click On This Link! I Mean It - DON'T! - Fukn AnimalsTying Your Dead ISIS Enemy To Your Humvee As And Ornament To Drag Around - Cheap DigsHigh Class Living In Low Rent Digs

ShamefulA Near Mentally Disabled Prostitute Attempts To Make It In Porn. She Amazingly Fucks 5 Guys In An Average Work Day, But Still Totally Fails At Sex... So They Decide To Beat Her Up Instead. Haha. - Porn BloopsApparently Shooting Porn Films Is A Lot Funnier Than You Might Think! - Royal NipslipLady Victoria Hervey Loses Her Bikini Top In The Surf - Daaaaang!Sports Illustrated Hannah Ferguson’s Naked Painted Body Is Amazing - THE FUCK!?There Are No Words For What's Happening Here. Watch For Yourself And You'll Get It... - Unfair EndWoman Gets Crushed By Lost Control Car - Fantasy FuckDude Fucks His Passed Out Step-Sister And Gives Her A Creampie Surprise - Dirty HoWhat Kind Of Whore Calls Her Mother While Masturbating? This One Does! - Titty FuxBitches Love A Fat Dick Between Their Tits - Incoming!Mortars Hit Us Convoy In Afghanistan

Public BlastGerman Woman Gets Takes Care Of Herself On A Public Beach Somewhere - FacialsThere Are Few Things More Awesome Than Blasting A Chick In The Face With A Hot Load. Here's A Compilation Of Many Babes Receiving Just That! - Hurts!This Is The True Sound Of Losing Anal Virginity... And He Just Keeps Pumping Away! - Tasty TeenIt Only Took A Few Beers In This Drunk Teen Was Ready To Strip On The Beach - BrazenThieves Follow Dude Home From The Airport - Boob SelfieChanel West Coast Caught With Her Boob Out Taking A Selfie - Funny PixA Funny, Weird And Interesting Pic Mix From Our Mates At Phun.Org - Skinny DipKiky And Her Mind Blowing Boobs Are Lounging By The Pool In These Hot Pics And... Thanks Kiky! - Meat BabesGirls And Steaks And Meat And BBQ - Aint RightIs This Real? His Head Is About To Explode - So StupidThree Young Guys Vs A River. Who Do You Think Will Win?

I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice. My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly.
Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says "What should we do?" Bill says "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help". So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says "Help me get him in the boat". They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing". Bill says "Give him mouth to mouth". Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath". Bill says "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either".
A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway. A few minutes later, the first fag said. "Excuse me, but I have to fart". He held his breath, then the truck driver heard a low 'Hsssssss'. A few miles down the road, the second fag announced "Excuse me, but I have to fart". The announcement was followed by another low 'Hsssssss'. "Jesus Fuckin Christ!" the truckie exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men. Listen to this!". A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his arse. "Ohhh!" one fag exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have here, Bruce? A real virgin!"
A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both on Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the rich man "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring". The poor man says "Why'd you get her both?" The rich man says "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy". The poor man says "Okay that works". The Rich man says "Well what did you get your wife?" The poor man says "A pair of slippers and a dildo". The Rich man says "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo...?" The poor man says "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"


Click for more awesomeness


Vegemite has been in the news this week as the iconic Aussie brand came back to Aussie ownership. Hardly surprising really - it's no secret the rest of the world thinks we're fucking retarded for our love of Vegemite. We get it though - it has a distinctive [read: unappealing] odour, taste and colour that anyone not brought up eating every day for breakfast cannot wrap their head around. Thankfully, for all of you who are culinarily bankrupt, Vegemite is actually so much more than just a tasty condiment. According to the below list it's a must have household cleaning product. No doubt there's a few interesting ideas contained within and it may just work amazingly well but I can't get away from the fact everything you cleaned with it is just going to stink like Vegemite...

1. Naturally disinfect all surfaces (mix 1 part Vegemite with 1 part water in a spray bottle)
2. Scrub stuck on stains (make a paste with Vegemite and baking soda and scrub with a sponge)
3. Clean your dishwasher (put 1 cup into the bottom of the dishwasher and run it with no dishes inside)
4. In place of rinse aid, fill the dishwasher liquid holder on your dishwasher with Vegemite instead)
5. Clean out your coffee maker (pour 2 c. Vegemite and 1 c. water into the coffee maker and run a full brew cycle. Remove and replace the filter and run 2 cycles of just water)
6. Disinfect cutting boards
7. Clean and disinfect pots, pans, utensils, plates, cups, etc.
8. Clean your hands with Vegemite to remove strong onion and garlic odours
9. Keep sponges and kitchen rags fresh by soaking in Vegemite water overnight. (rinse them before using again)
10. Clean "un-washable appliances" (spray diluted Vegemite in/on them and then just wipe with a damp cloth or paper towel.)
11. Unclog your drains
12. Natural de-greaser (clean with Vegemite and then rinse with cold water)
13. Microwave: (pour 1/4 cup Vegemite and 1 cup water in a glass bowl; microwave on high for 5 minutes; wipe clean)
14. Disinfect ice trays and remove build-up (soak ice trays in diluted Vegemite overnight and then rinse with cold water)
15. Mix Vegemite with citrus juice to freshen your garbage disposal (citrus peals work great too)
16. Naturally clean your fruits and veggies by soaking them in 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water
17. Clean a non-self-cleaning oven by spraying the inside with diluted Vegemite and then sprinkling with baking soda. Let sit for 5-10 minute and then scrub with a sponge
18. Clean your stove top
19. Remove hard water spots from stainless steel by wiping with a cloth dipped in Vegemite
20. Clean the insides of water bottles and coffee thermoses by "swishing" with diluted Vegemite - this will naturally kill any bacteria lingering at the bottom where you might not be able to reach.
21. Clean counters and all surfaces with 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water
22. Toilets (put Vegemite directly in the toilet, let it sit for a few minutes, and then scrub with toilet brush)
23. Mirrors
24. Showers and bathtubs
25. Stinky towels (wash towels with 1/2 cup Vegemite in the rinse cycle)
26. Mould and mildew (mix 3 Tablespoons Vegemite, 1 teaspoon Borax, and 2 cup hot water. Shake, spray, and let it soak for a few minutes, then rub the area with a soft brush or cloth)
27. Remove hard water stains from your shower nozzle by pouring 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water in a plastic bag. Use a rubber band to attach the bag to the nozzle and let soak for 10-15 minutes.
28. Remove lime scale build-up on your shower door or in your tub by heating a small container of Vegemite to the boiling point.
Pour Vegemite over the problem areas and it should loosen the lime.
29. Wash your shower curtain by putting in the washing machine with a few old towels.
Use 1/2 cup laundry detergent and 1/2 cup baking soda for the wash cycle, and then 1 cup Vegemite for the rinse cycle.
30. Clean the grimy soap build up from your soap dish by soaking it in 1 part Vegemite and 1 part warm water general home cleaning...
31. Wood floors (mix 1 cup Vegemite with 4 litres warm water; clean floors with this mixture and then dry with a clean cloth.
32. Use it in a steam mop to clean most surfaces
33. Leather sofas/chairs (spray diluted Vegemite over surface and "buff" with a soft clean cloth.
34. Walls (wipe down pretty much any wall surface with a cloth dampened with dilute Vegemite.
35. Disinfect kid's toys, books, etc. using 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water.
36. Remove dirt and stains from your mattress by blotting with a clean cloth dipped in Vegemite. If the spot is still damp, simply sprinkle a little baking soda over the area and vacuum it up.
37. Clean the filters in your dehumidifier / humidifier by soaking them in diluted Vegemite for 1 hour
38. Clean mini blinds by soaking them in a bathtub filled with warm water and a few cups of dilute Vegemite
39. Spot clean carpets by spraying a little dilute Vegemite on the spot and blotting it with a damp cloth
40. Wipe down the inside of all your refrigerator shelves and drawers for a food-safe alternative to traditional cleaners.
41. Wipe down electronics (computer keys, mouse, phone keypad, etc. by wiping with a rag dipped in Vegemite.
42. Clean residue and build-up on the inside of your washing machine by dumping in 2 cup of Vegemite and running it on the quick cycle.
43. Remove water rings from wood furniture by mixing 1 part Vegemite and 1 part olive oil. Dip a soft cloth in the mixture and rub on the affected area (going with the grain). Then wipe with a clean, dry cloth.
LAUNDRY: (simply add about 1/2 cup to your rinse cycle to...)
44. Remove built-up soap residue
45. Reduce static cling
46. Naturally soften your clothes, towels, blankets, etc.
47. Stop colours from running
48. Whiten whites
49. Reduce irritation for those with sensitive skin
50. Prolong the life of your tights and nylons
51. Remove lingering odours (cigarette smell, smoke, gas)
52. Eliminate that "mouldy" smell from damp towels and work-out clothes you can also soak/scrub items in dilute Vegemite to...
53. Remove yellow stains from sweat
54. Remove blood stains (let soak for 10 minutes)
55. Remove ink stains (mix 2 parts Vegemite and 3 parts corn-starch, rub on stain, let dry, wash) when ironing, use Vegemite to help with...
56. Removing wrinkles (mist clothing with 1 part Vegemite and 3 parts water)
57. Cleaning the inside of your iron (fill the water reservoir with dilute Vegemite)
58. Cleaning the metal plate of your iron (mix 1 part Vegemite and 1 part salt and scrub the plate with this paste)
59. Eliminating scorch marks (rub the scorched area with a cloth dipped in Vegemite and then blot with a clean towel)
60. Hair rinse (in place of conditioner).  Just rub Vegemite in your hair and rinse well
61. Clean your children's retainers or braces by soaking them in dilute Vegemite for a few minutes
62. Strengthen your nails by regularly dipping them in Vegemite
63. Prevent infections by rubbing small cuts with Vegemite
64. Dry up a cold sore by dabbing it with a cotton ball rubbed in Vegemite
65. Swallow 1 teaspoon of Vegemite to help relieve constipation and/or heartburn
66. Kill lice by spraying warm dilute Vegemite onto the scalp just before the final rinse. This will break down the "glue" the nits/lice use to attach to the hair
67. Soften your cuticles by soaking in a bowl of dilute Vegemite for 5 minutes
68. Get rid of blemishes by mixing 1 part Vegemite with 10 parts water and dabbing the solution on your freshly-washed face with a clean cotton ball
69. Soothe sunburned skin by soaking a towel dilute Vegemite and then laying over the burned areas
70. Naturally whiten your teeth by dipping a toothbrush in Vegemite and brushing your teeth (only do this once a week and rinse thoroughly with water after you are finished)
71. Put Vegemite on the pad of a bandage and cover your warts. Replace with a fresh bandage every night and the warts should be gone within a week
72. Mix a few tablespoons of Vegemite in your baby's bath water to help with diaper rash
73. Remove the hairspray residue from your flat iron or curling iron by wiping with a rag dipped in Vegemite
74. Clean brushes and combs by letting them sit in a 1 gallon of water mixed with 1 cup of Vegemite
75. Clean your windshield wipers with Vegemite to keep them functioning properly
76. Loosen rust - like rusted-on screws or rusty patio furniture by soaking the areas in dilute Vegemite
77. Keep flying bugs away from your outdoor parties by putting Vegemite in a shallow dish away from your food. By the end of the night, your dish will be full of "floating bugs"!
78. Make a fly trap for your kitchen by filling a mason jar half full of Vegemite. Then punch holes in the lid and put the lid back on. The flies will crawl through, but won't be able to get out again.
79. Mosquito spray - just pour dilute Vegemite in a spray bottle and spritz on your skin. The Vegemite smell will go away after a few minutes, but you should be bug-free all night!
80. Clean the grill by scrubbing the grates with Vegemite and scrubbing with a grill brush
81. Spray it on your weeds as a natural weed killer
82. Clean all your patio furniture with 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water in a spray bottle
83. Clean your lawn mower blades (rub Vegemite on the blades and scrub off)
84. Keep cats out of your children's sand box by pouring Vegemite around the outside of the box
85. Put a few drops of Vegemite in your dog's water bowl to neutralize his/her urine and prevent those ugly brown/yellow patches in your grass
86. Keep flies away from your pool by pouring Vegemite around the outside edges of the pool
87. Spray ripening melons and pumpkins with Vegemite to prevent mould from growing on the skin
88. Quickly clean bird droppings by spraying the area with Vegemite and then wiping with a cloth/sponge. This will also disinfect the area.
89. Keep uninvited guests out of your veggie garden by soaking several rags in Vegemite and then placing them around your garden. Repeat the process every 7-10 days.
90. Before you start painting, wipe down the surfaces with a cloth dipped in Vegemite and let dry. This will assure that all the dirt and grease is removed and the paint will adhere properly.
91. Remove the "skunk smell" from dogs (or anything else) by washing with 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water and then rinsing thoroughly with warm water.
92. Make your favourite vinaigrette or salad dressing
93. Tenderize tough cuts of meat mixing a little Vegemite in with your other marinating ingredients.
94. Use it to "pickle" almost anything!
95. Freshen smelly shoes by spraying the insides with Vegemite, placing them in a paper bag, and then putting the bag in the freezer overnight.
96. Add 2 tablespoons of Vegemite to the water when boiling an egg to prevent the yolks from turning brown
97. Add 2 tablespoons to the water when poaching an egg to stop it from "spreading" out
98. Naturally sanitize baby bottles/nipples by washing with Vegemite and warm water and then storing in the freezer
99. Remove sticky residue from labels, stickers, gum, etc. by rubbing the area with a rag dipped in Vegemite
100. Use Vegemite and baking soda as rising agents in vegan cake (I've never tried this, but I'm told it works)
101. Polish sliver by mixing 1/2 c. white Vegemite and 2 tablespoons baking soda together. Then letting your silver soak for 2-3 hours, rinse with cool water, and dry immediately.


click for gallery

Previously on Orsm: HAND BRAS 6 - HAND BRAS 5 - HAND BRAS 4 - HAND BRAS 3 - HAND BRAS 2 - HAND BRAS 1

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.

The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler".


Click for more awesomeness

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes".

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00". She says "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card" he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says "That'll be $34.50 please".

The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50".

40+ dirty girls taking a SHOWER


GIRLS SHOWERING previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - #0

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness



One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing". Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say "I'm fantastic in bed".

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says "She's fantastic in bed".

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed".

That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed".

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.

You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your pussy.

That's Donald Trump.

You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America!

Click for more awesomeness


Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"  She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked "What did she roll?" The other answered "I don't know - I thought you were watching".

all i'm saying is there are some fucking hot girls that like to smoke the marijuana


Previously on Orsm: SEXY STONERS #3 - SEXY STONERS #2 - SEXY STONERS #1

There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they wanted.

The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year.

The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year.

The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say fuck him, he's in there for a year.

A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex.

The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying.

They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said "I forgot my lighter!"


random shite 2017 01 19

OLDER SHITE: 12th January - 5th January - 22nd December II - 22nd December I - 15th December - 8th December

Click for more awesomeness

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies'". "

She did this every day faithfully.

After several months, it worked. She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies".

A guy sitting nearby asked her "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said "Hickory dickory dock..."



CHUBBY GIRLS galleries previously on Orsm: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said "Mum, I have something to tell you... I'm gay".

His mother made no reply or gave any response. Silence. Just as the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously "Uh, yeah, mum, that's right".

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"






-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Every single update ever. Even the bad ones.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If no update then I have died.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will stab you in the back literally and figuratively.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop acting in a way that makes me judge you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.