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orsmupdate 2017.01.12-17.05

Welcome to Ice Ice Grown-Up.

It'd be foolish to have spent the whole week sat in front of my computer thumping into this update when so much effort had been made late in the year so that wouldn't happen... but hey I'm dumb, can lift heavy things and love playing the martyr card.

My iPhone seems to have completely fucked itself. I love my iPhone. Actually if I'm being honest I love having mobile access to information. I'm not THAT in love with Apple... and I never will be because iTunes. Fuck iTunes. Nonetheless, would find it very hard to convey using words just how frustrating the last 11 days've been. Sure, people may be ducking terrorists in Syria and that probably sucks for them but they should try dealing with a problematic iPhone and see which is worse. I think we all know the answer. One second its fine, the next it freezes. Hit the lock button, then the home button, then it's okay again, or it isn't. Then it's completely fine for a whole day and suddenly becomes unusable right when I'm trying to make a call or Whatsapp friends in Syria. Obvious solution [after unsuccessfully Googling] was an Apple store visit. Try and make an appointment... next available is a week away! Thinking I have a better chance just heading to the city and waiting for someone to look at it, that's what we did... along with probably 500 or so other people. Apparently the weeks after Xmas are chaos because that's when people mostly break their shit. Makes sense. Regardless, am pretty sure they'll take one look and suggest screen replacement or handset swap and I'll be left wondering why I didn't just take it to one of those Chinese repair places in a shopping mall somewhere...

Alright alright alright. I could drag this out OR post a big bunch of jokes here. While you decide which you'd prefer I'ma get busy with the update. Check it...


A man goes to a shrink and says "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax" says the Doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said "My husband wants me to ask you..." to which the doctor replies "I know... I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy". "No, that's not it" the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn".
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologises up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair". Gary says "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M" came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out".
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea". Replied the widow "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was".
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer". A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out "You bastard". The judge says "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer". The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out "You God-damned bastard". The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one".
One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there were no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town".
Innkeeper: "The room is $15. A night. It's $5. If you make your own bed". Guest: "I'll make my own bed". Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood".
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry" he assures her "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk". As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem" he replies "I'll get my wife's diaphragm". After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one".

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Muzzie Housewives‘Real Housewives of ISIS’ - Hilarious BBC Comedy Sketch That’s Causing Plenty Of Controversy- Love ThisThis Dude NAILS What's Wrong With Millennials - Talented AF!This Incredible Self Taught Musician Is Basically A One Man Pink Floyd Cover Band - Shit LOSTMum Of The Year Right Here - This Is SadA Follow Up With One Of The Recurring Testimonial Girls From An ITT Tech Commercials. I Wonder If This What They Meant By "Education For The Future"?... Hahahahaha - No ShameDeputy Cock Block Breaks Up Public Blowjob - Boobs GloriouslyHero Uses His GoPro To Film Boobs Bouncing Underwater - Tight EndCelebrity Holly Michaels Fascinates Anal Sex - What A Bod!Braless Beauty Shows Off By Shaking Her Good

Anal BabesAnal Babes Get Their Assholes Stretched Ou - Don't ComplainWoman Complained About Their Tacos And Got Beaten Up - Heiress NipsElettra Lamborghini No Bra And No Panties In Jumper - Lezzing OutStepmum Nina Finds Condoms In Her Stepdaughter Karlee Room. She Decides Its Finally Time To Have "The Talk"... Like Having A Woman Stick A Tongue In Her Pussy For Example. - Irina NakedNaked Pics Of Irina Shayk For Gq Italy - Privacy Pls!?Guy Acts Like He's Never Accidentally Walked Into A Portuguese Bath House After Sun Down Or Something. Etiquette Man, Learn It. - BJ CompilThis Awesome Clip Is One Big Compilation Of A Lotta Girls Sucking A Lotta Cock. - Jizzed WifeShe May Not Cook And Clean Up To His Standards... But With Cock Riding Skills Like That, Who Gives A Fuck! - TAP THATI Don't Know What's Worse... Going 'Bare Back' On These Slut's Asses, Or Not Using Any Lube! Ass Wreckage In 3... 2... 1...

MILF SextapeShe Was So Horny And Could Not Wait Any Longer So Her Man Lied Down On A Bad While She Was Jumping On His Big Dick, God She Was Sexy. - That CleavJennifer Lopez See-Through Candids On The Set Of “Shades Of Blue”. I Never Realised She Was Quite So Stacked! - Stab CopsMan Stabs 2 Cops And Gets Shot Finally - WEIRDWeird: Woman Gets Stolen Car Returned With A Note And Cash! - Hawt SexAustralian Girl Finds Out Pretty Quickly She's Not Into Anal. Can't Stop Screaming, And Can Stop Him From Finishing. - Arab SlutA 6 Month Deployment In Iraq, And He Managed To Score Some Middle Eastern Anal Action! - Quality HeadApparently She Didn't Want Him To Stick It In, But Truth Be Told Pretty Much Every Guy Will Settle For A Blowjob - Amber FTWHere’s A Fresh Out Of The Shower Amber Hahn Rubbing In Lotion All Over Her Hot Body!! I Would Happily Assist Her With That Because She Looks Daaaaaaamned Hot! - ExposedRebecca Dayan Braless In See Through Sequin Blouse - LOL LoserThis Self-Titled Pimp From Arkansas Goes By "" And Today He Has Invited Two Ratchets Over For A Threesome Show. One Problem: The Girls Just Beat Him Up. LOLOLOL. (He Quit Camming After This)

Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you".
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources rep asked a young engineer fresh out of university "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package". The interviewer said "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 week's vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years... say, a BMW?" The engineer sat up straight and said "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied "Yeah, but you started it".
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor "Can I help you?" The man said "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"


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-Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
-One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
-Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
-It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
-When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
-If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
-Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
-Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
-During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
-All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
-All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
-It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
-If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. -However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
-The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
-You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
-Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
-A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
-If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
-If someone says "I'll be right back" they won't.
-Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
-All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
-A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
-Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.




A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves.

The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe.

The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France!" was what he cried out as he disembowelled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe.

The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "So much for your fucking canoe!"


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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?"

The man answered "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"



HOT GIRLS TANNING galleries previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

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Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says "I'm going to become a lion tamer". The other replies "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming!" "Yes I do!"

"Well okay, answer me this.... when one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down".

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down".

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him".

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage".

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that".



PIERCED NIPPLES galleries previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket!" To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage.

Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ship's crew, the pirates were defeated.

Noticing a trend, one of the ship's crew members approaches the captain "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition". The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work.

Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"


RANDOM SHITE 2016 01 12

OLDER SHITE: 5th January - 22nd December II - 22nd December I - 15th December - 8th December - 1st December

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex". The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."




A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do" she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says "I would have gotten out today".




Well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well woll well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well... well.

-Follow ORSM on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Or don't. Your loss, bucko!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Will officially be back at my desk next week. Waaahhhh :-(
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will punch fuck your mum.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and why do you stink of ass? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.