orsmupdate 2014.09.25-20.25
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Welcome to how do I get insects to like me?

Let's try again. It's been a tedious week, one in which I had to mentally prepare myself to possibly delay the update for a few days. Hate, hate, hate, doing that. Except for the week or two every Xmas holidays, it's pretty fucking rare to miss one. May as well be good at something right...? The reason for this is the whole server fiasco/debacle. I wasn't cool going through another week with the old machine barely chugging along and able to pump out Orsm videos. Unbelievably it's taken this long, like literally the hour before this update went up, to get the new server configured and serving files. Absolutely no one's fault in particular... its just that sometimes you must navigate a buttload of people to get anything done. Kind of like a bureaucracy that forms solely to spite your efforts. It's probably better to pat ourselves on the back that it got done this quickly... or at all. The annoying part is I haven't had enough time to properly test everything so there's a teensy weensy chance you guys may encounter problems. We'll continue to monitor and tune but if you run into anything please direct all horribly abusive emails to webmaster@orsm.net.

Moving on to other shit. I've just about had enough of anything involving the words Muslim, Islamic State, ISIL, ISIS, Iraq, Syria, terror, terrorist, and terrorists. Please. Make. It. Stop. I've given this basically 0 thought but surely the simplest way would be for EVERYONE to convert to Islam so those fuckwits don't have anything left to complain about. Hopefully at that point they'll all pack up and go home.

The past weekend was my birthday weekend. Whoop-dee-doo right? If I'm being honest there was no chance of partying and alcohol abuse from the get go. Far too busy, haven't seen my friends in so long I forget who they are and there was also the little problem of being well and truly whacked with some sort of cold or virus. It kicked in Friday and hit full stregth Saturday. The one time I left the house all last week, Wednesday I think it was, maybe 20 minutes of outside contact, that's when I was contaminated. Cunts. So Saturday wasn't entirely awesome. Woke up feeling like death after it had been killed, reanimated, killed again, reanimated again and then beheaded by Islamic terrorists from ISIL in Syria. Was supposed to do stuff at the house all morning. Managed 30 minutes and bailed. The next event was lunch for someone elses birthday. She'd chosen a smörgåsbord restaurant in the city. Was eager to partake as this was once a favourite and undoubtedly a key factor in weight gain many years ago. Good times. Sadly the Swedish Miss has lost her way and there was barely a single thing worth gorging oneself on.

The next event was a little gathering in a park next to the beach. Pretty much perfect conditions too - the hottest September day in 96,047 years. Us, sis and her fam, couple of friends with their kids, some fish and chips and that was about it. Couldn't even drink a beer due to codeine cold and flu tablets floating around in my system. Spent the night at home catching up with a mate fighting the tired and hoping whoever gave it to me had suffered even worse.

Sunday was the actual birthday. Thankfully woke up feeling a bit better and celebrated that by staying in bed all morning enjoying the rain storm which had descended to deliver a big fuck you to everyone who foolishly believed summer had come early based on the previous days weather. We eventually left the house around lunchtime to go have breakfast. Motherfucking eggs its been too long. Remember the girls whose b'day lunch we went to the day before? Well now she was having a party. *shrug* Someone holding 2 events to celebrate an insignificant birthday had me hyperaware that there may have been plans afoot to do some sort of lameass surprise thing. That's bad because I f-ing hate surprise things... but you never want to say anything in case you're wrong. Happily I was and it was actually a second celebration for an insignificant birthday. Speaking of detective work, successfully guessed my present in less than 2 seconds. Anyone else out there who takes far more pleasure guessing what's under the wrapping than receiving the gift? Booya.

The only other interesting thing to come of it was the culmination of another wholly unscientific social experiment. I have a little over 200 Facebook friends and like so many others it's a mix of loved ones, friends, people I hate and people I interact with in no capacity whatsoever. So the goal for the past year was to wish a happy birthday to every single one of them and see how many happy birthdays came back... and that number was 34. From this we can theorise that a) I'm deeply disliked; b) majority of 'friends' have me hidden from their newsfeeds; c) everyone was too busy enjoying Sunday to be on FB; d) no one cares.

Alright enough of the waffling. In my head I sound far more animated and interesting than I probably do to you guys. Suck shit on that one. You could have scrolled down! Check it...

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Oh FFS!!The Most Terrifying Wasp Vs Tarantula Fight Ever - Legend!!Live Newscast Ruined By Perfectly Timed Drive-By Videobomb - Fappening #2The Fappening 2: The 2nd Coming Is Here - Amateur GirlsA Buttload Of Pictures Of Real Amateur Girls. All Hot Ones! - UNfappening!?A SFW Response From Artists Over The Leaked Celebrity Nudes Scandal - Who's U2?This Website Dedicated To iTunes Users Who Have Never Heard Of U2 - Hard WorkThe Not So Easy Process Of Installing Wi-Fi On A Plane - TransformedWhen When 80's Electro Synth And Drug Abuse Combine You Had Better Watch Out! - El PapelPrepare To Be Unbearably Addicted To This Ridiculously Engrossing Game

Blob's StoryA Physics-Puzzle Game That'll Break Your Brain Is Just One Click Away - Epic TitsTessa Fowler Is Wet, Naked And Sudsy In The Shower - Nips SlipOla Jordan Areola Peek In Lace Top - Drunk SlutsTop 114 Drunk Girls For Drinkwell Of The Day - Hey DicklessThe Tale Of How A Rapist Wife Beater Got His Penis Severed And Became A Porn Star - Like A GirlI'm Pretty Sure She Would Have Drove Into The Stairs Regardless Of Whether She Did A Wheelie - Tiger BaitRaw Video Of Man Who Fell Into Delhi White Tiger Enclosure And Was Eaten - In Too FarScene Goes Very Wrong As The Dildo Gets Lost Up Her - Dat AssJennifer Lopez Ass Is Still Surprisngly Great - Hi Y'all!Here Comes The Leader. And There He Goes Into The Barricade

SacrifireThe Fire God Demands A Sacrifice - Good Deal!Ghetto Babe Agrees To Get Fucked In A Toilet To Make Some Cash - Really Her?Parks And Rec Star Aubrey Plaza Masturbation Video Leaks Onto The Net - So Ouch! WTFThis Is The Worst Neck Broken Ever In Wrestling - CraftedThe Work It Takes To Make A Cast Iron Frying Pan Is Incredible - Hate SexShe Gets Fucked By 2 Minorities After Sexually Hate Crime-ing Them With Soul Food - Daddy IssuesTeen Girl Extreme Hardcore Fucking By An Ex-Convict - Pokies!Rihanna Pokies In Spandex On The NYC Streets - PerfectoBusty Viola Bailey Getting Naked Next To A River - Shocking Suicidal Meth Head Does The Tripple Lindy Off A Roof Top.

Paddy goes into IKEA and says to the assistant "I want some of the suppository furniture". The assistant says "I've never heard of suppository furniture". Paddy says "It's the stuff you put up yourself".
A woman in labour is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!
"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex,  like "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister-in-law."
I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married." He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green". He said: "You can't". I said: "Why not?" He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit." I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White." He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it." Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?" I said: "Well, I said to dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister." She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"


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-American teenager David Hahn, known as the Radioactive Boy Scout, attempted to build a homemade nuclear reactor in his mother's backyard shed in 1994. While the reactor never reached critical mass, Hahn attracted attention of local police when he was stopped on another matter and they found material in his vehicle that troubled them and he warned that it was radioactive. His mother's property was cleaned up by the Environmental Protection Agency ten months later. He was arrested in 2007 for theft of smoke detectors in his apartment building. It's believed he was trying to obtain americium; a radioactive material.
-Globally, there are currently 437 commercial nuclear power reactors in 33 countries. A further 28 reactors are under construction with 28 of those located in China.
-There have been three major nuclear power plant disasters which occurred in 1979, 1986, and 2011. The Three Mile Island accident which occurred in 1979 took 14 years to clean up.
-In 1905, Einstein discovered that mass could be changed into energy and vice versa.  In 1918, Sir Ernest Rutherford showed that atoms could be split. By 1942, the world had its first nuclear reactor.
-The average cost of building one new reactor for a new plant in the United States is between $6 and $8 billion. It creates between 1,400 and 3,500 jobs for construction workers and after the facility is built maintains 400 to 700 permanent positions paying roughly 36 to 44 percent more than the average salary of the surrounding area.
-1 uranium pellet is equivalent to about 1,000 kilograms of coal. Or 2,000 coal pellets.
-It still contains 95% of its energy. That's like taking a couple tablespoons out of a litre of pop and throwing the rest away... if we don't make use of it!
-Chernobyl contaminated food was still sold in the Ukraine after the Chernobyl disaster. One worker described the conditions after the accident saying "Contaminated meat would come into the factory. The internal organs of the cattle would be black and rotten, but still the meat was sold".
-Since the Japan nuclear disaster of 2011, many nuclear power plants have shut down operation due to safety concerns. Others are planning to phase out the use of nuclear energy entirely in favour of safer methods. For example, Germany plans to close all of its reactors by 2022. Italy and Switzerland have halted expanding their nuclear power. However, some big markets, such as China and India, are still pushing ahead with new nuclear plants.  Before the Fukushima disaster, the International Energy Agency predicted that nuclear plants would add 360 gigawatts of generating capacity by 2035. Those estimates have since halved.
-The four types of nuclear weapons testing are: atmospheric, underwater, exoatmospheric, and underground.
-While nuclear power plants themselves do not create carbon dioxide, sulphur dioxide, or nitrogen oxides, the mining, enrichment, and transportation of uranium generates harmful fossil fuel by-products.
-Government regulators in the U.S estimate that there is a 50% chance of a core meltdown in a U.S. reactor within a 20-year period.
-The U.S. saves $12 billion dollars each year for energy costs because of Nuclear power.
-Nuclear fuel is around 2,000,000 times more energy dense than coal, oil and biomass. This means the quantity of nuclear waste is super tiny for the super huge amount of energy it produces. 2,000,000 times is like the difference between the diameter of the moon compared to the height of an adult person.
-One of NASA's programs, called Project Prometheus, is investigating nuclear power as the primary power source for long-distance spacecraft. Increased speeds could cut a journey to Mars by two thirds.
-Currently, nuclear waste in the United States is stored in cooling pools of water and in dry storage casks at nuclear power plants. The United States government, however, hopes to bury its waste deep underground at Yucca Mountain, Nevada. Nevadans and surrounding states have protested this proposal.
-Nuclear energy itself is not dangerous but the way in which it is generated gives off harmful waste products.
-The world's first nuclear power plant to create electricity for a power grid was USSR's Obninsk Nuclear Power Plant, which opened on June 27, 1954.
-J. Robert Oppenheimer, along with Enrico Fermi, is considered the "father of the atomic bomb". After the Trinity test in the United States in 1945, Oppenheimer quoted a line from the Bhagavad Gita "Now, I am become death, the destroyer of the world".
-Nuclear power pumps no pollution into the air. That's steam you can see, not smoke.
-Nuclear waste can be recycled and actually produces energy while doing so.
-The U.S.S. Nautilus was the first nuclear-powered submarine and was put to sea in December 1954. Named after the submarine in Jules Verne's Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, she was the first vessel to travel submerged under the North Pole, on August 3, 1958. She was decommissioned in 1980 and has been preserved as a National Historic Landmark.
-Uranium is a rare earth metal that is today commonly used for nuclear energy production. During the Middle Ages, craftspeople used it to colour glass yellow or certain shades of green.
-In the United States, radioactivity is often measured in rems. However, most countries currently use the sievert (Sv) to measure radioactivity. One sievert is equal to 100 rems. The nuclear waste from an entire reactor gives off about 10,000 rems per hour, even 10 years after it was first used in a nuclear plant. A human who is exposed to 500 rems at one time will die.
-Between 1945 and 1996, over 2,000 nuclear tests were carried out globally.
-Nuclear power provides 20% of the electricity in U.S. and approximately 15-19% of the world's energy.


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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am just looking for a girl with big tits.


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This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Ford doing 110 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye-liner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that make-up.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and scalded Big Jim and the twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!


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-If recycled, the waste lifetime is reduced to around 300 years. This is possible using fast reactors, which have been demonstrated through over 400 reactor-years of operation.
-The most powerful nuclear weapon ever detonated was Russia's Tsar Bomba. It is also the single most physically powerful device ever created by man. The fireball reached nearly as high as the altitude of the release plane and was seen 620 miles from ground zero. The mushroom cloud was over 40 miles high and the base of the cloud was 25 miles wide. It was test-detonated in the Novaya Zemlya archipelago.
-The fallout from Chernobyl set off alarms at a Swedish nuclear plant 700 miles away. A radioactive cloud reached countries from Turkey to Ireland.
-A nuclear winter is a hypothetical situation in which the sunlight would be blocked causing extremely cold weather if too many nuclear weapons were used.
-The United States has 71,862 tons of nuclear waste. Waste can stay dangerous for tens of thousands of years. The industry's nuclear pile of waste is growing about 2,200 tons a year. Some waste sites contain four times the amount of spent fuel they were designed to handle.
-The Chernobyl disaster released a hundred times more radiation than the atom bombs dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima in WWII. The environmental group Greenpeace says its research shows that the death toll will be near 100,000.
-In France, nuclear power plants produce almost 75% of that country's energy.
-A cool thing about radioactive elements in general is that they go away with time and the more radioactive they are, the quicker they go away. Some decay in a few seconds. A general rule of thumb is that after a few decades, the most dangerous elements are effectively gone.
-The first nuclear weapon in the world was detonated as a test by the United States at the Trinity site on July 16, 1945. Considered the beginning of the Atomic Age, the denotation took place in New Mexico. The fireball was about 600 feet wide and generated power roughly equivalent to 20 kilotons of TNT. The test director commented after the explosion that "Now we are all sons of bitches". The most recent nuclear test was done by North Korea on May 25, 2009.
-If a person is ever exposed to radiation during a nuclear disaster, the first thing they should do is remove their clothing because 90% of the radiation will be located there.
-An estimated 3 million Americans live within 10 miles of a functional nuclear power plant.
-Radiation in high doses can cause very serious illness or death. Symptoms include severe headaches, vomiting, and internal bleeding. A victim's hair may fall out and their skin may develop blisters and sores. Some victims of radiation sickness also need to have their limbs amputated. Lower doses of radiation can have long-lasting effects, such as increased likelihood of developing tumours and cancer that may not show up for 30 years or more.
-For every uranium atom split by a neutron, two more neutrons pop out.
-You can easily detect even a single atom of radioactive material. You cannot detect arguably more dangerous pollutants such as mercury, lead, NOx or SO2 with near that kind of accuracy or ease - elements that fossil fuel plants are putting out in significant quantities every minute of every day worldwide. These dangerous pollutants do not go away with time. Worse metals like mercury actually bio-accumulate.
-The most powerful nuclear device ever detonated by the United States (at 25 megatons) was Castle Bravo at the Bikini Atoll of the Marshall Islands on March 1, 1954. It was also the largest accidental radiological contamination caused by the U.S. It was about 1,000 times more powerful than each of the atomic bombs which were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki during WWII. Castle Bravo was the fifth largest nuclear explosion in the world.
-The Sun produces an enormous amount of energy from its nuclear reactions that change hydrogen into helium. In the process, the Sun loses over 4 million tons of mass every second.
-South Africa developed complete nuclear weapons in the 1980s and subsequently became the first country in the world to voluntarily destroy their weapon supply and to stop producing more weapons.
-Fission products save lives. Many critical medical isotopes used for cancer treatment, diagnostics, and more, can only be produced after irradiation in reactors. Cesium 137, a fission product, can be used to protect blood in blood banks, saving lives of babies and the immuno-deficient. This is just one example of possible uses of fission products made in nuclear reactors.
-A nuclear war would kill approximately 1 billion people, and hundreds of millions would be injured. The 3-4 billion people left alive would find themselves facing widespread radioactive contamination, a possible nuclear winter, increased levels of damaging ultraviolet rays due to partial destruction of the ozone layer, a global photochemical smog, as well as a multitude of toxic pollutants.
-Some scientists estimate that a person receives five times as much radiation in a lifetime from sitting in front of the TV or computer as he or she would from living by a nuclear power station.
-Dry cask storage, a method of storing high-level radioactive waste, is one of the most robust structures made by man. It can survive being dropped from thousands of feet, direct impact from an airplane crash or explosives.
-The 'peace' symbol was originally an anti-nuclear weapons emblem.
-A nuclear power plant must shut down every 18-24 months to remove its used uranium fuel, or radioactive waste.
-To that end, there has not been, in the history of worldwide commercial nuclear power, a known case of stolen commercially used nuclear fuel. It is too mixed up with different things and too difficult to handle to be very useful to anyone with bad intentions.
-The first disastrous impact from nuclear energy occurred in August 1945 when the United States dropped two atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Over 250,000 people, mostly civilians, died from the denotations.
-Nuclear power plants use nuclear fission, or the process of splitting an atom into two. Nuclear fusion (the process of combining atoms into one) is thought to be safer; however, nuclear fusion technology has not yet been developed on a wide scale.
-Except for 50 lives lost in the Chernobyl disaster, no others have died working for Nuclear plants. Nuclear has the best safety record (deaths/yr) of any type of energy source, including wind, solar, natural gas, and coal. There have been no deaths in the history of U.S.

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Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says "Let me tell you how tough I am". I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outta there!" and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of rodent poison, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine". With that he throws down another shot and slams his shot glass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself. He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say "Hey, where are YOU going?" The third mouse says "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to fuck the cat".


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A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. A bottle of tequila.

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A fag.

A. An appetiser is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

-If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!


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Having blown himself up, an 18-year-old suicide bomber appeared before Allah. He said "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment and then replied "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous, and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty".

The bomber responded "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" Allah replied "Who said they were women?"


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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said "Okay, let's get out and get him".

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front said "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself".


I feel like we all have to be somewhere so I'll cut to the chase...

-Check out the site archives. It’s the scientifically proven No. 1 way to avoid me punching you in the face!
-Next update will be next Giovedi.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get all up in your grill about it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be an ubi. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.




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