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THE PROBLEM WITH EVERY PORN SITE ON THE WEB IS THAT THERE'S ALWAYS A CATCH... UNTIL NOW. HERE'S WHY
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orsmupdate 2015.07.30-19.12
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Boobies

Welcome to booing at idiots.

I've taken the word 'busy' out of my vocabulary. After years of the being the default answer to any question asking how I am or what's been happening, I now realise it is completely fucking redundant. Why? Because I'm always fucking busy. It never changes and what's more, everyone else is busy and they don't give no fucks. Busy running around after your kids all day? I worked 100 hours this week. Busy trying to get a million chores done? I only had time to get a few hours' sleep last night. And so on. It carries no weight. It would actually be more interesting to say "nothing" or "sweet fuck all".

Moving on. It's been a busy week. Much has gone on since the last we spoke so let's run through it beginning with Friday. Mentioned last time that I built a storage thingy to, would you believe, store junk lying around the house. The junk, stuff like unpacked boxes from when we moved in to defunct baby clothes to a seriously unhealthy amount of Xmas decorations, seems to grow in size all by itself... and by that I mean the GF chucks shit on top when I'm not around. Eventually the car would have to be parked outside and presumably my office would start shrinking if something wasn't done. Anyway the storage is a reasonable size - say 6 or 7 cubic metres. Aaaand its now full. Turns out all those useless things that no one will ever need must be stored forever and ever and an entire day was wasted doing it. How long do you reckon it will be until more crap starts filling up the areas which were vacated? Yep... already trying to find somewhere to build another one...

Saturday kicked off hanging with family who flew in overnight. We managed to escape the house around midday to go smash lunch at the markets. Have been going there for years and they're about to be bulldozed to make way for a supermarket. It's stupid in so many ways. Last year I was in Melbourne. Traipsing around the food section of the Queen Vic markets a guy calls me over to his stall and says "You must be from Perth?" I say "How the fruck did you know that, mate?" He says "Because people from Perth come here and they can't believe it... now what can I get you?" He nailed it and with the death of yet another market here, it won't have been the last time he sees someone from my side of the country walking around in awe.

I try to avoid kid's birthday parties. They're a mechanism for consuming very bad, very delicious food whist making small talk with people you only occasionally see and probably don't care about. The buy-in is a $20-$50 gift and couple of hours you'd rather be doing something other than listening to little screaming shits. But when it's your own...

Let me be the first to admit there was far, far too much discussion about the who and the how. I've read some of the lengths crackpot parents go to for birthday parties. Hired entertainment to expensive party bags to extravagant food. It becomes more about going OTT and trying to outdo than enjoying. We kept it reasonably simple - got a big bunch of family and friends together in a park and fed them very bad, very delicious food whilst making small talk. And it was great - the weather was unbelievable, we got there early to spread out across the whole undercover area, had a bunch of people chip in to help get setup and the rest just took care of itself. I'm sure our 1-year-old will look back on it with fond memories...

A few hours later it was over. Packed up, cleaned up and carted 3-4 carloads of leftovers and whatever else home. And just as that was done, right when I thought I'd finally get to sit down, a bunch of friends who'd gotten the time wrong arrived at ours. Safe to say I was very happy to get to bed that night.

And that was about it... or the at least the abridged version of about it. Hopefully now you are ready for a monstrous update. I've gone all out to ensure that there will be satisfaction aplenty. Go see for yourself. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Awesome!!That Was Mighty Decent Of Them! - Shit Gets RealDuty Of Care: Protecting Children In War – Risk Your Life Playing This Ultra-Violent Real FPS Game - So BustedThis Woman Stole The Wrong Credit Card Number - It Bugs MeGuys Eats Dung Beetles And Mashed Potatoes To Prove A Point About Getting A Restful Night's Sleep - Nice SaveLifeguard Saves A Little Girl And It's All In A Days Work - Flying Wow'Where We're Going, We Don't Need Roads' — The Flying Car Science Fiction Promised Us Is Here - WankersHells Angels Douchebag Shatters This Guy's Car Window For No Discernible Reason - AnticsThe People's Elbow Is Back - It's What You Do To Jabronis! - PolyomiPuzzle Games Come And Go. Very Few Are Memorable Or Original Enough To Spark Some Kind Of Emotional Response. This Puzzle Game However Is Waiting To Blast You With It's Full Force. It Lulls You Into Believing It Isn't Much At All But Before You Know It, You're Going To Be Facing A Full Blown Blizzard Of Brain Bending Puzzleness. - OH MY!!Quick, Someone Wave A Towel In Front Of My Face Because I'm About To Pass Out From These New Photos Of Ashley And Her Amazing Tits!! She Should Be A Goddamn Greek Statue Her Body Is So Fine

InterrogationThey Will Interrogate You. You Only Have A Few Seconds To Answer Each Question That Is Thrust Towards You. Shoved Down Your Throat. Blasted Through The Neurons Of Your Mind. - IncredibleJennifer Lopez Wrapped In Interesting Dress Celebrating Her Birthday - Camel ToeKimberley Garner White Bikini Bottom Cameltoe - Who's Next!?Looks Like The Dude Here Screaming Nigga Is Not One To Fuck With. That Or These Punk Have The Weakest Jaws. He Put That One Dude Down 3 Times Before He Could Even Blink. - OMFG ButtShe Has One Of Those Asses That Just Don't Stop, Girl Puts On A Twerk Show That Will Never Be Forgotten - Beach BeejA Nice Day At The Beach Turned Into A Live Lesson On How To Drain A Dick Dry. This Horny Couple Doesn't Give One Fuck Who Watches. - GangbangedBrutal Ass Gangbang Of Ass Acrobat - Wish U Could?This Guy Seems To Have Super Powers. Must Be Nice To Have Such A Cum-Addicted Girlfriend Too! - Shocking EndMan Falls Into An Industrial Trash Compactor

BLOCnogThe Noggy Blocs Have A Very Important Job To Do Every Day. They Must Move Things From One Place To Another And Do It In A Puzzling Brain-Teaser Kind Of Way. There Is Just No Other Way! - I Want HIVA Scared Straight Look Into A Small Portion Of The Gay Community That Has Fetishized And Even Glamorized Hiv/Aids. - Nude ArrestTopless Florida Girl Getting Arrested - Walk Of ShameI Don't Know What She Did Or Who She Did. All I Know Is If She Still Feels Like Walking She Can Just March On Over To My Place. - EATTT IT!!!Scientists Discover That Sperm Is A Superfood. Now There's No Excuse, Girls!! - BBQ SlutsI Love Grilling Like The Next Guy. Throw In Some Cock Loving Sluts With Juicy Tits, And This Could Be The Next Hit Show On The Food Network. - Model FightTwo Big Ass Babes Throw Down At A Car Show - Nice Imbruglia'sNatalie Imbruglia Nip Slip While Sunbathing - Sexy CleavChloe Goodman Braless Pokies In Silk Blouse

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you". The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
--
How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the lightbulb and 11 to say "Aw he's so brave!"
--
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
--
A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir" one of the reporters said "but how did you come to live to 150?" "It's actually quite simple" the old feller replied. "I just never argue". "That's impossible" the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!" The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.
"Hmmm" he finally shrugged "maybe you're right".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Click for more awesomeness

READER MAIL

Alright time for round 2. Again we have a buttload of submissions sent my way throughout last year. All these emails, plus the last lot posted a few weeks back, plus the ones which will be posted in a couple of weeks, are a sample of the thousands which filled my inbox. Basically its all the stuff that was too good to chuck away but please bear in mind some of them may be out of date or context or whatever - they're posted simply for you guys to enjoy it... if you aren't then just keep scrolling or leave an obnoxious comment somewhere complaining that it's all shit compared to how it used to be etc. You know the deal - I don't need to explain how to be cunts. Enjoy.

Morg wrote:
Subject: My awkward sex story
The middle of summer a few years back. After a fun night out, I decided to park beside a farmer's field and partake of what I knew was going to happen. My head hanging out the window of my old VW, my date was giving me a wonderful BJ and I was thinking how could this get any better. Right then, I felt the sensation of a huge wet tongue lick the entire side of my face. Who knew cows were that interested in someone else's extracurricular activities? Hilarious and no, I didn't cum. We were both laughing too hard. We never did park there again and I married her soon after. That episode's been on the "laugh roster" ever since. We're celebrating our 23rd anniversary this June. True story.

Roman wrote:
Subject: awkward sex story
Hey there! Here's my piece of experience from a few years ago: Went to spain, met some girls from Portugal there, long story short, one of them accompanied me to my hotel room. She said she had to hit the bathroom, she won´t be long. When she came out, she was naked, threw me on the bed and hit it off. That was when I learned that some girls have a voice like a trained opera singer when they are properly motivated. I also learned one other thing - in some hotels the beds have wheels. With the head end pointing right to the room next to me. Yes, it was like "secret of my success" all over again. The next morning I went out to the balcony to enjoy the sunrise, only to meet my neighbours standig there. Both looked like hell. Later on, during breakfast they were asked if they slept well. Loud enough for the whole dining room to hear he answered: "SLEPT WELL? FUCK NO! THE GUY NEXT DOOR AND HIS GIRL RE-INVENTED THE FUCKING MORSE CODE LAST NIGHT!" As my bit of revenge (later on) I told them to buy something to help them sleep, since the girl from last night had 3 beautiful friends...

Terrible Father wrote:
Subject: Lies told by parents...You missed the best one...
Sir Orsm, Admittedly this wasn't my idea, I heard a comedian talking about it, (I forget which one) but it has worked an absolute treat for us. You know the movement sensors for your house alarm? That have a red light that comes on every time they sense movement? I told both my children they are special cameras that Santa uses to watch you, and that if the red light is on that means Santa is watching you...! Anytime the kids are doing something naughty, I just point out that the red light is on, “Santa's watching!!” and they stop whatever they were doing and just smile at the sensor, to the point sometimes where the sensor turns off again so I'm standing behind them waving to get the sensor light back on before they start being naughty again. We DID worry the one year that maybe we had taken it too far when I found my youngest (3 at the time), sat on a chair in the dining room in front of the sensor talking to “Santa” through the sensor and taking him through everything on her Christmas list and why she felt she deserved to have it.

C wrote:
Subject: Beards
I was watching QI last nite and one of the guests had a beard (Jack Whitehall), and the topic was discussed. He called it his "Clunge Sponge". have a good one...

Mike wrote:
Subject: The World of Counterfeit Drugs
Are you one of the millions who look to buy cheaper medications from online pharmacies? Chances are good that unless that online pharmacy is verified, you are not only getting ripped off, but you may also be putting your health at risk. Watch the entire investigative news report here.

Nigel wrote:
Subject: Europe vs Australia Map
Is the guy who sent in the piccy illustration got the small mans complex? He seems to have missed quite a big bit of Europe off just to say Australia is a bigger continent than it actually is. Ok you won the Ashes back after goodness knows how many years but that won't change the land mass.,,,,pmsl

Ross wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Imagine the look on Schapelle Corby's face when she goes through the self-serve checkout at Coles for the first time, and it says to her "Unexpected item in the bagging area".

GIRLS FROLICKING IN THE SURF

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WHAT HE SAYS VERSUS WHAT HE MEANS

WHAT HE SAYS: I'm going fishing.
WHAT HE MEANS: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

WHAT HE SAYS: It's a guy thing.
WHAT HE MEANS: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

WHAT HE SAYS: Can I help with dinner?
WHAT HE MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table? Let's take your car. Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.

WHAT HE SAYS: Woman driver.
WHAT HE MEANS: Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.

WHAT HE SAYS: Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear.
WHAT HE MEANS: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

WHAT HE SAYS: It would take too long to explain.
WHAT HE MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

WHAT HE SAYS: I'm getting more exercise lately.
WHAT HE MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

WHAT HE SAYS: You cook just like my mother used to.
WHAT HE MEANS: She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.

WHAT HE SAYS: I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind.
WHAT HE MEANS: I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.

WHAT HE SAYS: Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.
WHAT HE MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

WHAT HE SAYS: That's interesting, dear.
WHAT HE MEANS: Are you still talking?

WHAT HE SAYS: Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.
WHAT HE MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

WHAT HE SAYS: You know how bad my memory is.
WHAT HE MEANS: I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

WHAT HE SAYS: Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.
WHAT HE MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

WHAT HE SAYS: I do help around the house.
WHAT HE MEANS: I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

WHAT HE SAYS: I can't find it.
WHAT HE MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.

WHAT HE SAYS: I hate to go shopping.
WHAT HE MEANS: I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.

WHAT HE SAYS: No, I left plenty of gas in the car.
WHAT HE MEANS: You may actually get it to start.

WHAT HE SAYS: I missed you.
WHAT HE MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.

WHAT HE SAYS: I don't need to read the instructions.
WHAT HE MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

WHAT HE SAYS: I broke up with her.
WHAT HE MEANS: She dumped me.

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Facey pic
Saw this on the stalk book last night, its a mates wife. Hide details, etc. Cheers!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: 08/01/14 ...
Corner Horrie Miller Drive/Tonkin Highway Perth - Airport upgrade ... safe driver award ... no details please

I didn't know women were allowed to drive trucks. -Orsm

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Kirum wrote:
Subject: Low Fliers Allowed
Hi ORSM, Interesting piece from Swaziland.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: You'll laugh when you see it...
After six years, Google finally updated its satellite imagery of my first London flat. Worth the wait! Withhold deets please.

RR147HP wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Thought it was a skywriter but Wrong its a Passenger Jet

...on drugs. -Orsm

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carlson wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Tail pipe
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Knock off
My wife bought a dress on e-bay. It just came in the mail and I thought I would share a pic of the label that was on it. Probably made by under aged political prisoners. Hide my addy please.
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Always do as you are told
THE WIFE TOLD HIM TO PUT THE PIE IN THE OVEN AT 120 DEGREES ..... TOOK SOME DOING - BUT HE FINALLY MANAGED IT!
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Grant wrote:
Subject: Finally i figured it all out
Sometimes the answer to understanding abstract art is staring right at you...
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Mike wrote:
Subject: The Advantage of a strong girlfriend...
The Advantage Of A Strong Girlfriend. Strong arms, big boobs and wide mouth will do the trick!
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martin wrote:
Subject: nice creatures of ozz no. 1
you have some nasty shit to live with..
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Grant wrote:
Subject: gay marriage
Just shit stirring again.....
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Barry wrote:
Subject: Check this out!!
I was just deleting inbox and came across this ad I received.. I may be strange but the irony appealed to me, but shit I wonder if our people booked from this ad.
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Steve wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Just in case you might want to put it up
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: cameltoe
Cairns MTB World Cup- Irina Kalentieva
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: a lovely clit photo from nairobi, kenya
Hi Mr. Orsm, Here is a gem from East Africa, Kenya. Please keep my details private. Thanks :-)
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Kirum wrote:
Subject: Women of WWE
Unfortunately, they're not wrestling!

Paige wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A Bathtub Full Of Yellow Water [more here]

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random shit
Looks like jims not happy with just mowing. No details pls
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Peter wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Stupidest answer ever just got some serious competition
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: Med school textbook
I imagine some editor had a chuckle with this one.
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Todd I wrote:
Subject: Potential "Random Shite" picture
Came along this while driving home from work. It had just happen as the driver was putting out safety cones. He looked scared shitless! Keep up the great work. I thoroughly enjoy your site and have recommended it to many friends.
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Cleen wrote:
Subject: Emailing
HRH PREPARES TO WELCOME HOME THE ENGLISH CRICKETERS FROM OZ !!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ooooohhhhh ouch
G'day Bloke, Don't know anything about the picture but I would hazard a guess that it has NOT been photoshopped! BTW hide details as you normally do. PRETTY GRAPHIC...
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Justin wrote:
Subject: New South African Toilet Door Lock
New Toilet Door Lock. This one deserves an Oscar!
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Brian wrote:
Subject: job ad
QUALITY CONTROL JOB ON OFFER. JOB OF A LIFE TIME FOR WOMEN!!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Those People who take up 2 parking spaces
Those People who take up 2 parking spaces and those that get annoyed by them. We've all wanted to do this: NOW TELL THE TRUTH, HAVE YOU ?

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killa wrote:
Subject: Sweat tasting rice € 29,50 ?
I was wondering would that come from a women's or a man's pit. But then again would it make any difference. Cheers.
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Two women were talking about their lives since they had become nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this" the woman told her "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!" "I'm going to try that tonight!" says Ethel.

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!!"

CUM ALL OVER

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Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO: THE THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS EDITION

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

jason wrote:
Subject: Opposite work
Hey mate. Anon please. This is what was outside our door at work the other day
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
bottle openers for sale (careful of the splinters )
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Be the first to review Obama's new book!
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Barry wrote:
Subject: pool party
Mate rang up and said that he had a ton of hot females in his pool and to take my pick. Did I want to come over?
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Mike wrote:
Subject: RV'ing - Alberta Style . . .
I think this red neck has too much coin? This gives new meaning to the ‘go anywhere' term. Awesome!
MJD wrote:
Subject: I thought you would enjoy this
Not quite psychic services. . . (taken by me in Seattle, Washington). Longtime fan. Love your site. Thank you for keeping it up and running for so damn long. I've been visiting weekly for over a decade now, I think. Probably since 2000 (wow, that's a long time).
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Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Apparently if you are a member of a group, wear a vest with patches on it and have Tattoos you partake in organised crime ........................... FOUND ONE !!!!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Idle thoughts
I've enjoyed your site for a long time, first time submission. Hope you like it. Please withhold details,and all that shit.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
What's your MP name?
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Paige wrote:
Subject: Room Service WTF
Someone in Food & Beverage has OCD [more here]

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Biodun Dada wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Enyoy!
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Bill wrote:
Subject: bet she'd make a GREAT caddie
Especially in cold weather...
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Sunday roast
A mate ordered his half chicken Sunday roast at his local and this was what he was served.....
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A seasonal favorite
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Hammy wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Our scrap yards are great!
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Emailing
IT HAS STARTED ALREADY .........
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Jack wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Craig Thomson Sex Licence
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: fail
picture taking fail
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: Go home Korea, you're drunk.
Just a random oddity in Korea. Please hide my email address.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
doing the rounds online
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: traffic light window washers
Here is the latest trick being used by those annoying window washers at traffic lights to try for that extra dollar...
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Craig wrote:
Subject: Something isn't quite right
See anything wrong with this pic?
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
Please do not show my info
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Porn tip
Withhold name and details, please.

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Justin wrote:
Subject: OMG! Ironic, Psychic, Extraordinary?
AN OLD MALAYSIA AIRWAYS AD!
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Kel wrote:
Subject: MEN'S BRAINS JUST WORK DIFFERENTLY
A caring husband sees that his wife is busy in the kitchen and offers to help. "My dear, what can I do to help you?" She says: "Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them, and put them in the big pot with water.
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Mind boggling.......
ANOTHER SHINING EXAMPLE OF THE HIGH I.Q. DISPLAYED WITH SOME OF OUR POLITICIANS (AND WE PAY THEIR PRINCELY SALARIES !!!) IT'S A WORRY!!!!! Penny Wong, (was) a Minister in the Australian Government. TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Penny Wong happened to appear. Ms Wong took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?' 'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.' 'What sort of question?' asked Wong. Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'' Wong thought for a moment, (Read that line outloud with a lisp!) and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.' ......................and she represented us in Copenhagen too!

Urgh wrote:
Subject: Would you tell him or just watch what happens
This is not how you should transport your new bike :)
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chw01 wrote:
Subject: Better than your 1b random shite
Love your site... Here's a 100 trillion Zimbabwe bill I came across a couple yrs ago... had to buy one for everyone for xmas... cool shit for sure.

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Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

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Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: fingered
they've removed it now but too good not to share: Post it? Don't post it? There is a lesson, so Ill post. New years eve, we were diving in Jupiter on the deep ledge. I shot a small but legal Cobia. I pulled the line toward me to retrieve the fish. From nowhere, a Bull Shark charges over and grabs the fish. The line goes slack and wraps around my fingers just as the Bull sees me,he takes the fish and shaft and hauls ass. As soon as that dog hit the end of his leash, POP! My glove goes flying. I thought , "Damn he got my glove" and I reached for it. Thats when I noticed my fingertips were missing on my left hand. St Marys Hospital took me in and the hand surgeon fixed me up. They could not re attach the digits, so they cut the bone at the first joint and did a "flap over". Personally, I will be super careful to stay clear of the gear when spearfishing.
Psycheman wrote:
Subject: betty white pin ups
Mr. Orsm, Too bad your Betty White pic was censored. Here are some that are not.
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xitz wrote:
Subject: 737 Run Up
You do not run a jet engine on paving!!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A Picture tells a thousand Words!
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Gene wrote:
Subject: DID YOU KNOW..........................
I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names suchá as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for oldá people are called "Depends". Well here is the lowá down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper'em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will. Glad we got that straightened out so you can rest your mind. And now you know, don't you feel smarter..?
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<with held> wrote:
Sunbject: Lamborghini DESTROYED
Unbelievably no one was seriously injured in this accident, but the result of a Lambo vs bus accident definitely hurt to look at. The crash happened when the Lamborghini collided with a passing bus. The driver said he swerved onto the wrong side of the road trying to avoid a motorbike.
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Is this any way to bring up children?
THE WORLD IS SO CONCERNED ABOUT PALESTINIAN KIDS. These are the images they DON'T show: Please help to show these pictures to the world.

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Things That Irritate Some of Us
More pet peeves
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Craig wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Just some photos of me for the ORSM site. Thanks Craig
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Success
How true is this. Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you're 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift. Don't believe us?

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Alex wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Truck
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Pisc wrote:
Subject: Very cute baby stuff
These are actually quite funny :-)
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Back Then
From a 1950's High School Dance to picking up the mail in the early 1900s.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Where have all the woodies gone?
Where have all the woodies gone? Nick Alexander owns all of them. They are to be sold at a special auction at Pebble Beach. Nick is selling out to focus more on his ranches and horses. He is a BMW dealer in Los Angeles and has been actively working on his collection for nearly 12 years. Can you imagine the dollar value of these oldies.
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D'Anna wrote:
Subject: Some random shots
If you do like any feel free to use just cant have my name public for the time being. To bad cant make money off sending pics if they are good lmao. Your stories and photos are great you find or get. I got the advertisement on newbienudes.com since I am on there as thegirlnextdoor1 hope u enjoy some random pics :) I cant use my actual camera bc my laptop died :( best I could do with a cell if u want to see more just look me up on the site 16 pics up I beleive ;) thanks for your time.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics to share
Here are some pics of my ex please withhold info
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: THIS JUST HAPPENED TO MY FRIEND
So I just had to send something in his honor in the sake of revenge. Please hide the details I will link a drop box vid for your pleasure.

I am just going to say that this weekend was the worst weekend ever. I am blocking people to see this statues because I don't want them to worry...

My ex gf called the cops on me. Yeah not for doing anything illegal... For being supposedly suicidal... I almost refused to go to the hospital... If I refused, I would of been put in handcuffs and a psyche ward. So then I went to the E.R. Via ambulance. They wanted to charge me for the force visit so... I had to use a fake name and a fake address...

So I waited for 4 hours for a psychologist to see me. I then went for an hour answering psych tests. She then asked me what happened. Told her about Amanda Brown aka Aaron Cox on Facebook about how she was bipolar and punched me in the face because of my hatred of doors being closed. So she gave me a card for her and a number to call.

Got out of the E.R. called my ex asked her why the fuck she do that. She said " You didn't answer your phone."... I was like WTF... She then proceeded to say to me that "I don't want to live there anymore.". I just can't" I hung up...I didn't want to deal with this at that moment

So I decided to call the cops and press charges about her punching me in the face. She then called when the cops where over and then she then told the cops on speakerphone. "I just wanted to break up with him, so I called the cops." WTF seriously.. She then said that she lived here. When I pay the rent and her name wasn't on the lease.

The cops is a close friend of Dave and said to her. LOL no you don't I know this street. This is my beat lol. And she stuttered and asked when can she get her shit. So she had to bring a cop over. And get her shit.

THIS JUST HAPPENED. SO me and my awesome room mates put her shit in bags and left outside.Had to call the cops on my now soon to be ex room mate because he wouldn't stop talking to my ex because we are all involved in my investigation. He flipped out and started tapping my chest I was like I am calling the cops for a simple assault.

He then lied to the fucking cops saying that I went into the room and pushed him for no reason. I was like I never touched you. Why would I call the cops if I wanted to get arrested. I am moving out tomorrow anyone wants to help. Please let me know... I am just done with the fucking DRAMA... Moving to MASS IDK Just done with the drama... Another SIDE NOT he is 45 year old GOLLUM LOOKING TRANNY thinking he has a chance with a 18

<with held> wrote:
Subject: girlfriend updated
I have sent you pics of my girl before, here are the original pics along with some new ones. Please only use the sentence in quotations and withhold my details. Thanks, "She still loves using here mouth as a cum dumpster."
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nice RV
Nice road trip vehicle is what I'm thinking. Betcha can fit a casket in underneath this bad boy. MagPul's “Mbus Pro” is built upon a 1952 Flexible Sightseer Bus, with a few added improvements, of course. With the help of Timeless Travel Trailers, the “Mbus Pro” sports a slew of guns, a well-stocked wet bar and, of course, lavish mahogany trim. The cigar aficionados need not sweat it, because it also comes stocked with a built-in humidor. There's just nothing worse than a dry stogy.
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Largest Salt Flat
Some of the pictures at the end are especially cool. The Salar de Uyuni is the world's largest salt flat at 10,582 square kilometers (4,086 sq mi) and a major tourist destination in Bolivia, devoid of wildlife or vegetation but home to an estimated 10-billion tons of salt.

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Bill wrote:
Subject: XXX Gilligan's Island...
I found the long lost episodes. In memory of Russell Johnson the Professor... Enjoy
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cars Found After 50 Years
Better Than French Wine. 60 Vintage Cars Found After 50 Years Of Neglect On French Farm Are Worth At Least £12 Million
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Here is the MV Fedra accident from 2008. Long time ago however still cool if you have never seen before. The ship ran aground in gale force winds. The rest is history.
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Things Your Kids Will Never Understand
I don't miss the Yellow Pages......
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K wrote:
Subject: How Babies are Made.
Dear Mr Orsm, As you are now going through this cycle, show your Darling how it should be done !!!! Cheers. Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have no trouble explaining to his kids about the birds and the bees. During his wife Sandras pregnancy, the artist created this hilarious explanatory photo series titled “How to Make a Baby”.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: get a kayak
Thanks to the technology of 3D printing you can now get a kayak that's an exact replica of your vagina.
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Frozen Lake Erie
I haven't heard the words "global warming" for a few months. photo's from a family friend. Went down to the lake by the palmwood and took couple pictures of the ice caves caused by the ice crush. Can't remember seeing the lake frozen over like this in many years.
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Brian wrote:
Subject: If you use a caravan you should see this...
The evolution of the camping car!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Informative Pie Charts
Finally, some charts that make sense! Purported to be about 100% correct.
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Jeffrey wrote:
Subject: An ex
Love the site, been coming here for years - it's the only thing that makes Thursday worth it. Please hide my details, I have a bunch more if you're interested, she was a monster in the sack. Let me know if you like them
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Super Materials: The Future is Here
These are 7 of the most fascinating and powerful materials science has come up with in recent years.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: DERAILMENT Q19851-24 TELKWA SUB
Amazing photos of train-truck crash here in Northern BC. From locomotive's automatic camera. WOW!!
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Vern works hard at the phone company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says "Hey Vern! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no" says Vern. "He's in my bowling league".

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey".

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says "Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Click for more awesomeness

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

<with held> wrote:
Subject: good stuff
I found this on a memory chip while dumpster diving. Enjoy! Hide my details please.
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jimbo Jim wrote:
Subject: Drunk guy fell asleep
Check out this video of some idiot whose friends wrote on him after he passed out drunk!! Let me know if you posted it on your website. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Verbal Abuse
Orsm, My mother in law. Keep my details private, thanks.
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James wrote:
Subject: Wifes meaty flange
Hi ORSM, Great site, keep up the good work. I have noticed you have a major shortage of vids and pics of BIG cunt flaps. As a connoisseur of large labia I thought I would start things off. Please enjoy and share my sexy ladies meat curtains. Have been swinging for years now and ALL the guys are amazed and love her beefy lips. If any of your readers want to make ANY comments we would love to hear from them on. I have heaps of pics and vids if ANYONE wants to see them.

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Ian wrote:
Subject: why you should have a car camera.
Thank-you for a great site,always look forward to seeing your vids,just brought a new car and car camera, just in case some arsehole runs into me. Keep the good work up
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Neil wrote:
Subject: Scottish imperial masters
Due to the 'better together in the UK's pre election agenda going tits up and the 'yes' for independance side taking a lead, the English based better together decided it would be a good idea to send 50 English labour MP's up to Scotland to tell us to get back in our box. The following is funny and 10/10 to the guy'

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Brad wrote:
Subject: Just for you
Happy New Year
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Barry wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hunting bush pig. Cheers
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UP THE DUFF

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded 'yes'.

"So" the coach continued "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?"

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

"GOOD" said the coach... "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"

ORSM VIDEO


It would seem my work here is done and I'm outta here but there is more. Way more. Read:

-Check out the site archives. They're so big I can't help but fat shame them.
-Next update will be next Thursday. August already!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fingerbang you with a Freddy Krueger glove.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time stay off the chems and be good. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 

 

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