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orsmupdate 2017.04.27-20.24

Welcome my fine feathered friend.

Breathing problems. I don't love them. You dudes may recall a blog thing a while back about how, after months of shitcunt impaired breathing, I identified the cause. Dairy. T'was a happy day. Birds were singing and felt like my life finally turned a corner. Except that was wrong... and also right. The shortness of breath returned in such a way I was sure it was sure a more powerful being had read my post and, dissatisfied with my comments, set about spiting me. It's been all over the place like a mad woman's shit ever since.


It's now been over 5 months. Haven't been able to exercise and the only thing that gives any sort of relief is eating. Faaaantastic combination right there! I've tried prescription meds to treat reflux, asthma, anxiety, campylobacter and inflamed lungs. All with little or no effect. Undergone blood tests, x-rays, a gastroscopy and most recently an allergy test. All turned up absolutely nothing... except the allergy test. Have gone my entire life not knowing I'm 'high positive' allergic to... grass. The exact words out of my mouth were "that makes so much sense".

The condition isn't new to me. It's popped up without warning a couple of times a year since played full back for Jerusalem. It got to where I knew when to expect it. April/May and October/November. The change of seasons but I never once connected it to that. The difference for this insanely prolonged 'experience' is my greatly increased devotion to lawn care. Basically I got tired of our back lawn being dead and patchy. Before spring hit last year was when I began trying to make it green - became very devoted to learning how to make the reticulation work properly, programming the controller, testing different fertilisers, digging sections up and, maybe most importantly, mowing that damn lawn. Every. Single. Weekend. I enjoyed being outside and making stuff grow so much I even took over doing the neighbour's lawn.

And it was all worth it - the grass grew like whoa and looks f-ing great... but in the process, with every mow, was inhaling buttloads of allergens deep into my lungs. This ensured my breathing remained screwed. Oh and we live close to a park that gets mowed frequently. When they say "everything bad for you" they aren't wrong.

It's been a few weeks since the lawn got a trim and my breathing is the easiest, least laboured, since November. Almost back to normal. Crazy that's all it took. No medication of any sort required. As for the dairy. Confirmed not allergic... but am most likely lactose intolerant which means I get phlegmy after consuming which worsened the grass allergy symptoms. S'okay because I'm actually starting to love almond milk. Next step is a lung function test to rule out anything more serious like asbestosis [eek!] and get a respirator for when I'm mowing anything. I suppose one good thing to come out of it is all the tests otherwise gave me a clean bill of health. Hopefully can stop going to bed wondering if I'll die in my sleep...

Okay let us do this. Check it...

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Star Wars 8Who Are The Gray Jedi Order And What Does It Means For Luke, Rey And Kylo Ren?- Woman? LOL!"I'm A Woman... Fucking Respect That" Lollllll - Ariel Nudski?Ariel Winter’s Possible Nude Pic. I Really Want This To Be The Real Deal!! - Sexy NipslipDebby Ryan Areola Peek On The Red Carpet - GOOD KittyYup, Kayla Kiss Is A Bad Kitty!! A Busty Kitty. A Topless Kitty. A Sexy Kitty. A Naughty Kitty. A Stripping Kitty. I Think You Get The Point. - Wet GirlsPhun Presents Girls In Bathtubs - Scared StraightTwo Thieves Forced To Kiss And Suck Each Other's Penis - Jap WeirdshitJapanese Girl Gets Pinned Down And Molested By A Bunch Of Tentacles - PlunderedJapanese Cutie Sucks And Fucks Three Guys

Hipster TitsThis Is Some Cheesy Hipster Shoot Of Some Really Hot Chick Named Caroline Corinth. I Am Into Her, Even Though I’ve Never Heard Of Her. - Crazy TattooRealistic Tattoo Your Girl Won't Like - AkwardgasmBad Time To Have An Orgasm - Demi's TitDemi Moore Flashes Her Nipple On A Night Out - Stillll HottttJessica Simpson Candids From NYC. This Time She’s Showing Less Cleavage But Making Up For It With Pokies! - Face FuckedIt Always Amazes Me How Such A Sweet Looking Petite Little Girl Can Stand Such A Rough Fuck In Her Throat And Asshole. - Feel Better?Beautiful French Girl Fucked Good In Clinic - Sublime AssesPhun's Bonus Butts Gallery #83. Can You Even Handle This Much Crack?

Morning JerkSpeaking For All Men - This Is How We Want To Wake Up. Every. Single. Day. - Sucking DThis Is What Getting Into Your Own College Dorm Room Is All About... Freshman Slut Gags On A Big Dick! - Lezzing OutBusty MILF Ava Addams Is Eavesdropping On The Also Busty But Younger Darcie Dolce, And Somehow That Leads To Them Having Lesbian Sex! - Love/Hate Her?Kim Kardashian Slight Nipple See Through In Tight Top - FAN-tasty FuckAmateur Pornstar Fucks One Of Her Fans - Stop Cunt!Gas Station Attendant Is Pressed [Read: Squashed] By Car - Cashed OutsideThe 'Cash Me Outside' Girl Got Her Ass Beat. Again! - Wrong HolezThe Accidental Anal Compilation

Patient asks his doctor: "Can I take a bath with diarrhoea?" Doctor: "Yes, if you are able to fill it up".
Two pedo's were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacy knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes "Aahhh... a seven-year-old girl". The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes "No, no... definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!" "No, a seven-year-old!" "Definitely an eight-year-old!"... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl... but not from my parish!"
Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered "You've got to keep that old motor running". The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running". The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man". He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running". The nurse then said "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black".


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Three guys were hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes!"

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars!" *POOF* he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive". *POOF* he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life". *POOF* his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.

First guy says "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth". *POOF* a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want". *POOF* his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die". *POOF* now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die". *POOF* his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.

Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever". *POOF* he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth". *POOF* he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years".

Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed".

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says "Guys, I think I fucked up".



DRUNK GIRLS previously on Orsm: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy".

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer".

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that".

The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service". "Tiger wouldn't do that". "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time".

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food". "Tiger wouldn't do that". "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time".

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"


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A man had lost one of his arms in an accident. One day he felt terribly depressed and decided to commit suicide. He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again. The one armed man asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said "I'm NOT happy. My ass itches".



BEACH BABES previously: #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well... you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus". The man certainly isn't going to pass this up so he asks "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first" says the bartender "those are the rules!"

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay" says the bartender "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it".

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands".

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem".

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call" says the bartender "but, your money stays where it is".

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says "Where's that damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks but he doesn't make a face and finishes the lot in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight then dead silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says "Now... where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A young man signs on to work at an offshore oil rig. As he's getting his orientation to the place, one thing keeps coming to mind. After seeing every part of the platform, he finally gets up the courage to ask the manager: "Um, what do you do if you start to get, well... you know... lonely? You know, for a woman...?"

"Oh, we've got that one taken care of for you. You see that barrel over by that wall with the hole in it? Any time you get the urge, just go over there and stick your penis in the hole in the side of it".

The new guy leaves it at that, and starts his first day. About half way through the day, he starts really thinking about the barrel. Giving in to temptation, he tries it and gets the best blowjob he's ever had in his life. That evening, the manager calls him back into the office to see how his first day went. The young man replies "It was great! I'm going to use that barrel every day I'm here!"

The manager grinned and said "Well, every day but Thursdays". "Thursdays? Why not Thursdays?" "Because that's YOUR day in the barrel".



REDHEADS previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

Woman gets tired of her drunk cunt of a husband always coming home from the pub and ralphing up his evening's supper in the sink.

Heads down to the butcher's and comes back with ten pounds of cow stomach and intestines. If he sees THIS in the sink tonight, she figures, he'll be scared sober and lay off the booze for a while.

That night, she stays awake, hears the boyo come in, pissed as usual. Sound of vomiting. Scream. Loud clattering. Ten minutes of what sounds like frightened gurgling and retching. Then her husband stumbles into the bedroom and collapses at the foot of the bed.

"Dear" the wife says innocently "is something wrong??" "God yes" the poor bastard says. "I puked my damned guts up in the sink just now, but with the grace of God and a wooden spoon I got them back down again..."


RANDOM SHITE 2017 04 27

OLDER SHITE: 20th April - 13th April - 6th April - 30th March - 23rd March - 16th March - 9th March - 2nd March

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her... "don't reject the guy outright".

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara".

The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says "Not problem! I have. I have!"

Realising her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France".

The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says "Okay, okay! I build. I build".

Realising that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis".

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut".



GIRLS IN GLASSES previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood too. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells..."Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND WASH TOO!!"




One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passenger's right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we aren't going to know when to take off!"


Aquifer aquifer aquifer...

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