Welcome to hey dork, you've got toilet paper stuck to your shoe.
I don't have much to say this week... but that's never stopped me before.
Can hardly bare to admit it - have been nailed yet a-fucking-gain with a cold. Not the worst by any stretch however this must be the fifth or sixth time this winter. Love to know what I'm doing so wrong or why my immunity is so paltry. I'm guessing being a borderline shut in, not leaving the house to go to work and interact with you commonfolk has something to do with it so miss, or have missed, out on a bunch of strains over the years. Now with the little one bringing shit home from daycare or where ever frequently, I don't stand a chance. Anyway whatever. Summer is only what... 3 or 4 increeeeeddddddiiiiiblllly long months away? ... Fuck!
I'm enjoying what seems to be a recent trend of people with famous names committing violent crimes. Firstly there was Ronald McDonald; a 70-year-old who tried to murder his 23-year-old relative. Sounds like someone needs a happy meal. Next was the Aussie woman involved in murdering a cop on a Bali beach. Her name? Sara Connor. Sadly no offer of 'come with me if you want to live' for the cop. What's next? Someone with the same name as a presidential candidate inciting people to kill his opponent?
Moving on. Normally I would balk at the idea of watching a procedural drama; CSI, NCIS, Law & Order and what not all come to mind and whilst they're popular and people lap that shit up, it's not my style. Give me The Wire, Arrested Development, Oz, Entourage, Curb, Shameless, Mr Robot, The Walking Dead and I'm a happy man. That said, best show I've seen in years is a procedural called The Night Of which follows a young guy who is arrested for murdering a girl and how the system works plus how people connected to the case are affected. By far the most riveting TV I've seen in forever. Highly recommend checking it out. If you love it then my pleasure, if not then suck shit!
And on. The weekend was incredibly quiet. Terrible weather and rain played a big part. Saturday began early as does every single day - child comes bursting into our bedroom around 6am. Why 6am?? Why not 7am? Why not 8am?? WHY NOT JUST STAY IN BED!? We left the house mid-morning to do some shopping. Completely unsuccessful. Lost interest after the sales girl kind of implied I was cheap not willing to fork out $150 for a long sleeve knitted jumper [sweater]. Fuck you bitch - I am cheap and happy to wait til it gets moved to the clearance rack. I'll buy it then and wear next winter.
The rest of the day was sat in front of the computer working on this update and even into September. Because... the plan is to head for the Great Southern region where internet access may be limited plus who in their right mind wants to spend a minute of their break doing anything related they're trying to take a break from? Fuck that. Plus I know there's sycophants out there who won't tolerate missing updates nor will my mild level of OCD or strongly held belief the world will collapse upon itself should my Thursday update deadline be missed.
Sunday looked like rain yet again. Headed for the farmers market because it's close. Thankfully the wet held out and managed to kill a couple of hours there doing laps and gorging on the free samples. Popped by to see friends later in the day who were in town and rounded out Sunday with The Dark Knight and Dark Knight Returns. Enormously satisfying weekend ender.
Okay enough with the babble. Today's update it full of everything that makes the internet what it is. Some of the videos you'll find below are utterly mind-blowing. You should definitely watch them all. As for the image galleries... so much fapping material you will wear your penis or clitoris down. Everything else is of course beyond brilliant and will defy all expectations. But I don't want to oversell it. Go forth and see for yourselves. Check it...
Wait. Wot?How To Tell Your Co-worker Isn't Too Bright - Mmmm Beer1719 Wasn’t A Very Good Year For Hygiene, But It Was For Beer! - Octo Booty Wow!Well That's An Interesting Tattoo. Meet Octobooty Daizha Morgann - They Got FATSpanish Artist Reimagines Celebrities Like Jennifer Lawrence & Kim Kardashian As Plus Size Models - LOL-ympicsWere There Bloopers At The Olympics? You Bet - The Truth45 Hilariously Honest And Perverse Notes From Kids That Will Shock You Into Laughter - City At NightDetroit At Night Is Even More Insane Than You Imagine - T-Rex SexPalaeontologists Estimate A Tyrannosaurus Rex's Penis Actually Was Somewhere Between 10 Inches And 12 Feet. Aaaaand Here's One Banging A Pornstar. - Paper CutsCan You Cut Wood With A Blade Made Out Of Paper? Let's Find Out.
Turf WarHookers Fight For Block Control - Crazy OrgasmHot Blonde Goes To Work On Herself With An Electric Toothbrush And Cranks Out A Big, Sticky, Earth Shaking Orgasm! - Quality BodOla Jordan In Wet White T-Shirt - Perfect ArielAriel Winter Showed Plenty Of Cleavage At Variety’s Power Of Young Hollywood Event In LA The Other Night! More Like The Power Of Boobs In Hollywood!! - Bella's SlipBella Thorne’s Snapchat Titty Flash - Holey MoleyYou Don't See To Many People Rocking Bulls Shit Anymore, And From The Look Of This Video There's Going To Be One Less Out There Now. - Fuck SessionKatrina Jade Jhas The Tatts Fucked Off Her. - BLOW BangHer First Blow Bang? Well Done! She'll Be Taking Her Meals Through A Straw After All That Sucking! - Butt SexedFlexible Teen Emmie Gets Ass Fucked And Jizzed
Double BJTwo Girlfriend Suck The Penis - Incoming!!Moment A Syrian Solider Runs Out Of Bunker Just As Incoming Missile Strikes It - Tinder HookupI Bet When She Came Across His Profile She Probably Wishes She Had Swiped Away From It Now. - Frenchy FuckIntense Orgasms For That Crazy French Ass! - Monster PornI've Seen Every Type Of Porn There Is... But Is You Throw In Some Classic Monsters... I'm GLUED To The Screen! - You IDIOTThank God For The Parachute. Really Did You Think That Would Work? He Had Like 12 Feet To Let Out That Chute. - Ivanka NipIvanka Trump’s Nipple Fall Out On The Catwalk And Its Exceptionally Decent - Boobie GropeRhian Sugden Looking Amazing At The Beach In A Black Swimsuit! Can’t Blame Her Boyfriend For Grabbing One Of Those Tits While Helping Her Out With Sunscreen. - Bikini MalfuncLaura Cremaschi Loses Her Bikini Top In The Surf
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies "I had sex with my teacher". She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him "I had sex with my teacher". The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds "No thanks, Dad. My butt still hurts".
A group of fathers are sitting around talking about their teenage daughters. One dad says "I think my 16 year old is smoking. I found an empty cigarette pack under her bed". All the other fathers say in unison "Oh no!" Then a second dad says "That's nothing. I found an empty liquor bottle under my 16 year old's bed". All the other fathers say in unison "Oh dear!" Then a third dad says "Mine's worse than both of those combined. I went into my 16 year old daughter's room and found a used condom". All the other fathers say in unison "Jesus Christ!" The third father replies "Yeah, I didn't know she had a dick!"
A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention. While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase carrying her samples of condoms all over the floor. As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks. "It's ok, she says "I'm doing a huge convention".
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This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you've got. No problem".
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it so he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun".
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot.
He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake.
He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal, shakes his head and says "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself".
Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says "Shhh. They're getting closer..."
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the publican. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak.
"Thanks" he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got" says the publican. The guy says "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't".
"Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside" the guy gasps. "Tell you what" says the landlord "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place". "Be my guest" the guy says.
So the publican goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realise she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer" explains the landlord "She's my wife". The officer replies apologetically "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realise". "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light".
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon-day. Does anyone know another word?"
Johnny from the back of the room yells "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word". "Saturday" says Mike. "Great. Sat-ur-day. That has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says "OK Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says "Mast-ur-ba-tion". Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful". "No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables".
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THE ELECTRIC FENCE
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and *BAM BAM BAM* you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
"Damn!" I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die.... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1. Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7. My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualise what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answers. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said "Yes ma'am" and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking "Are they ice and pink like this?" The Farmer said "Yes" and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said "Yes" and broke down crying.
She asked "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soybeans, a tornado levelled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches".
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behaviour. The friend listened and suggested "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways". The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
Harry replied in his inebriated state "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
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A plane crashes and the surviving seven men and one woman make it to a nearby island.
They take turns writing SOS in the sand and making fires in hope of being rescued. They take turns foraging food and collecting water to sustain themselves. They're all cooperating admirably and sharing the work, but eventually, the sexual tensions are too high and they call group meeting.
The woman proposes that she marries each of the men, and that for one day a week she and her husband will be able to have each other without disturbing the balance of the community. The system works perfectly and everyone is satisfied. Then one day, the woman dies, and everyone is devastated...
The first day is tough. The second day is bad. The third day is really bad. The fourth day is really, REALLY bad. The fifth day is really, REALLY, REALLY bad. The sixth day is really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad. The seventh day is the MOST SICKENING AND AWFUL THING ANYONE HAD EXPERIENCED.
And on the eighth day, they buried her.
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay" he says "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that" she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well" he answers "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that".
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!"
I don't want to harp on about it BUT... this is the end of the update SO... I understand you defintely wan't more AND... there is plenty MORE... you just have TO....
-Follow ORSM on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. I spend countless hours adding a fuck tonne of the stuff you find here to your favourite social networks. Don't worry though - there's nothing that too unsafe for work or pornographied which means if you like, comment or share your friends won't instantly realise you're a dirty little fiend.
-Check out the archives. They date back to before the internet was even a thing.
-Next update will be next Thursday. AKA the best day or the week.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will frame you and your team mates in an embarrassing conspiracy where it appears you lied about being robbed when you actually were.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and let's keep quiet about this. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.