Orsm.net on Facebook Orsm.net on Instagram Orsm.net on Twitter
orsmupdate 2017.06.22-17.54

Welcome to is this some radical new therapy?

Good to see some winter weather finally arrive. Def didn't think I'd be saying that after a mild, heatwave-less, kind of pathetic summer and the absolute shitcunt winter which preceded it but the relatively perfect conditions have just gone on and on and on. Hard to argue it's been anything other than exceptional... unless you're a farmer because those dudes always find something to complain about. The only weird part of warmer weather this time of the year is early wake-ups. It's still pitch black until almost 7am so when you wake up it takes a little while to work out what's going on... like it should be light outside but isn't... or at least that's how my brain is processing things. Yes, I know that doesn't not make that too much sense the.

By the way to all the Britons complaining of oppressive 32 degree temperatures... funniest shit ever. Sure, I may get a bit unhinged when temps drop to single digits but this isn't about me.

Moving on - not a hell of a lot happening. Quietish weekend, standardish week, having an ever harder time tolerating people who are too stupid for my attention but demand it anyway and still battling breathing issues. Have yet another appointment this afternoon with yet another doctor. Thought it would be a smart to make a list of what I've done in the past 7 months to try and unfuck myself and it's pretty fucking amazing. Numerous of GP visits, a litany of tests, several specialists and a loooong list of medications and still no one has been able to nail it down. It's reached the point where if today's guy says lets cut you open to see what we can see, I'll race home to delete all my porn and head for the nearest hospital. But enough about me. Let's do the update shall we? Check it...


My dad's idea of sex education was locking me in my room with a dirty magazine. The thought of looking at strange women in the nude horrified me! Luckily mum featured on pages 42-46 though.
An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another a second $100 bill stuck to it. Immediately the lawyer's keen legal mind realised he was faced with an ethical question: should he tell his partner?
I saw a woman walking her dog today and the little fucker shat everywhere. I said "You better clean that up or you'll get a hefty fine". She screamed back "He's got diarrhoea, what do you want me to do?" So I gave her a straw.
A priest, in complete violation of his celibacy vows, makes amorous advances to a nun who, at first, rejects his proposals saying it's a sin, but finally relents and the two end up in bed together. After making love the nun says "Since you are a priest, I would like you to hear my confession. I have sinned. Twice". The priest says "What do you mean 'twice'? We only did it once". The nun says "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 67. I'm so happy, because I live at number 69c. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine".
A newly married man asked his wife "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey" the woman replied sweetly "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's the women who make it hard.
The counter man in the ice cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop. The customer entered, set a small thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom. "Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it". The counter man did so and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug. "What" asked the ice cream purveyor "is the reason for that?" "For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, I'm going to give it to her".
I've just started up a new magazine, and like a homosexual with amnesia it comes out every week.

Click for more awesomeness

Busk Away!Strangers Start Impromptu Jam Session In This Amazing Performance - Making BankSome Guy With A Thing For Bullying Decides To Pay A Webcam Model For His Masturbatory Needs. Unfortunately, At Some Point She Feels $2.50 A Minute Just Isn't Worth This Shit - Too Funny :-DNot The Wild Animals I Expect To Find On A Bike Trail - Scully's BoobGillian Anderson Tit Hanging Out Of Her Bikini Top - InhumanityCome For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Pick Them OutAriel Winter Picking Her Daisy Dukes Out Of Her Ass - Busty BossLooking For A Summer Internship This Year? Busty Boss Angel Wicky Is Apparently Looking For An Intern And She Knows Just How To Attract One!! Using Her Big Boobs Obviously! - ButtstravaganzaDid Someone Say A Buttload Of Butts On A Single Page?

Awkward PornoIt's That Fucking Time Again. The Best Time. The Time To Showcase The Most Boner Killing Clip's The Porn Industry Has The Audacity To Not Edit Out - Fake RacksBiiiiiiiiig Fake Titties And The Girls Who Know How To Use Them In A Jubbly 7 Minute Long Compilation. - Dealt WithThief Is Caught And Beaten In Brazilian Subway - Ruski TeenRussians Really Do Porn The Right Way Don't They? :-) - Revenge PornThis Redhead Chick Has One Of The Tightest Pussy's I've Ever Seen - First AnalFirst Time Anal Leads To 45 Minutes Of Crying. The Guy Loved It Though... - Crushed 'Em!First Time I've Seen An Mma Match End Like This - Lezzing OutA Personal Trainer Is Usually A Waste Of Money But I Bet This Sexy Client Is Happy With Her Session. - On DisplayVioletta Komyshan In Completely See Through Dress

Hipster TitsSahara Ray Hipster Tits On The Beach - Kaa-POW!!Going Down Like A Sack Of Potatoes - Bathtubs BabesGirls In Bathtubs Are Pure Perfection - Shag HerRough Throat And Cunt Pounding - Wife MaterialNo Questions Asked... Just Shove It In Her Turd Cutter And Enjoy The Ride!! - Who Is She?What Is Her Name? Spanish Teen POV Big Tits! - LOL IdiotTeen Idiot Gets Electrocuted On The Top Of A Train - Hawt CamgirlGlamourgirl1 Is The Cam Girl Of The Day - Junkie EMTTurns Out Heroin Addicts Aren't Good EMT's

I called my woman to celebrate our first anniversary. And she just hung up. Doesn't our separation mean anything to her?
Boy complains to his father: "You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!" Father: "Really, what?" Boy: "That the potato should go in the front".
Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realised he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit. "Leave only one litre of milk" she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow".
I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.


Click for more awesomeness

Due to a mix up in the prison system a young man sentenced to ten days in jail for a minor crime, is locked up alongside a hardened criminal serving life for a series of vicious assaults.

Understandably, the young man is extremely concerned for his safety. After all, he's heard so many stories about violence and homosexual rape taking place against young, good-looking and innocent guys in prison.

The old lag is around 6'3" tall, weighs about 18 stones, is covered in scars and tattoos, hasn't shaved or washed in days and, simply sits on his bunk with drool dripping onto his filthy clothes. The young man attempts to engage the lifer in conversation, but to no avail. The lifer simply sits on his bed glaring at the young man.

All through the first day, the lifer remains silent. Then comes lights out.

The young man is thanking his lucky stars that he has managed to get to bed without any assault taking place. But then, just as he is about to fall asleep, the lifer calls over to him "Do you like playing games?"

Assuming it's safer to humour him, the young man nervously replies "Yes". "So" says the lifer "Do you want to play mummy and daddy?" "Oh my god" thinks the young man " I'd better go along with this". In a trembling voice he replies "Okay". Then, the lifer wants to know "Do you want to be mummy or daddy?".

Thinking quickly the young reckons that it might be best to be Daddy as that will be less painful. "I'll be daddy" he says. At which point the lifer replies "Well come over here and suck mummy's cock!"



HOT BODY galleries previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

During a TV show interview Sean Connery bragged that despite his 86 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Kylie said "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place". So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Sean says "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand". Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says "Kylie that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand".

Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Australia, she stole my wallet". 


Click for more awesomeness

Rich had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if he were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.

"Well" said Rich "I met this blonde and turned out she was a sales rep in training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night".

"OK" replied the boss "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?" "Well" said Rich "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too".

"I see" chided the boss "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?" "Well" said Rich "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this".



ASIAN BABES previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness


Billy, a little bunny rabbit, was hopping down the field, when he met a sheep. Hopping up to the sheep, he said "I'm a dirty little bastard, who are you?" The sheep replied "I'm a sheep, and you're not a dirty little bastard, you're a bunny". Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field.

Soon he met a goat. Hopping up to the goat, he said "I'm a dirty little bastard, who are you?" The goat replied "I'm a goat, and you're not a dirty little bastard, you're a bunny". Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field.

Then he met a horse. Hopping up to the horse, he said "I'm a dirty little bastard, who are you?"
The horse replied "I'm a horse, and you're not a dirty little bastard, you're a bunny". Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field.

Eventually, as Billy hopped along, he came across the cutest, prettiest little girl bunny that you have ever met. She knocked his socks off. Billy hops up to her, cleared his throat, and said "I'm a dirty little bastard, who are you?" She looked at him, smiled and said "My name is Bella, and I'm a little bunny. What's your name? Why do you say you're a dirty little bastard?" Billy said "My name is Billy, and I am a dirty little bastard. Everyone says so".

Bella turned her pretty little nose up into the air, and said "If you can't talk decently, go away!" And so saying she turned around and started to eat some grass.

Billy hopped on and shagged her like crazy. Bella jumped up and said "Why, you dirty little bastard!"Whereupon, Billy smiled and hopped away.

Click for more awesomeness


Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A British Army Colonel, serving in the First World War (WW1), takes a trip to a frontline field hospital in hope to raise morale with a visit. Whilst there he has a chat with some of the troops.

He stops at the first bed ""Good morning soldier. Why are you here?" "Trench foot, Sir. Terrible, hideous, rotting trench foot. I can hardly stand up, Sir". The soldier replies. "What's the plan for treatment young man?" The officer inquires. "A wire brush Sir, hard and vigorous, all over the feet Sir". the soldier answers. "Excellent" exclaims the officer "and your aim in life is what?" The young soldier hastily replies "To get back out to the front line. And fight for king and country".

The officer smiles and continues his visit. He stops at the next bed. Asks the same questions. The second soldier is equally eager to impress. "I have terrible gonorrhoea Sir. It's awful. I'm in a terrible mess. It's the worst case the hospital has seen". "Awful" a cringing officer replied. ""And the course of treatment?" "A wire brush Sir. A good stiff wire brush, scrubbed hard and fast across the affected area". "Superb young man". An impressed colonel smiles. "And your main aim in life?" an eager soldier answers "To get back out on the front line, serve my king and country, Sir!".

When he reaches the third bed the officer can see a young soldier who is in a lot of pain, and barely able to speak. "And why are you here soldier?" asks the colonel. "Scurvy Sir" mumbles the pained soldier. ""Terrible scurvy. My gums are bleeding. My tongue is swollen. I have ulcers and my teeth are falling out, Sir". "Awful, just awful young man. So what is the treatment for such a diagnosis?" The colonel asks. "A wire brush Sir. Good stiff brushing. All around the mouth Sir". "Wonderful" the colonel says. "And your main aim in life is to what?" The soldier pauses, then replies "To get up early enough in the morning, and get to the wire brush before those two bastards in the first beds".




A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said "Looks like a bad carburettor to me". Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.

Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie".

The man then said "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburettor to me'". The farmer shook his head and said "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars".


RANDOM SHITE 2017 06 22

OLDER SHITE: 15th June - 8th June - 1st June - 18th May - 11th May - 4th May - 27th April - 20th April

Click for more awesomeness

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year". The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments "See! That was more than once a week!"

The second bull is to be sold "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year". Again the wife bugs her husband "Hey, that's more than twice a week. What do you say to that?"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"

The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"



BEACH BUTT galleries previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2

A woman who has been trying for a baby for a long time visits her doctor.

"I've been feeling rather sick in the mornings and I seem to be putting on weight" she tells him.

"Well, I'll run some tests on you, and then you can come back next week for the results" says the doctor.

A week passes and the woman goes back to the doctor. "We have the results of your tests" the doctor tells her "and let me put it this way - in nine months' time you'll have an awful lot of nappies to change".

"Oh that's wonderful doctor, thank you so much, we've been trying for a baby for so long now" she says.

The doctor replies "Oh, no, you're not pregnant - you have bowel cancer".




Miss O'Neill was teaching 8th Grade English. Today's subject was grammar. "A direct object" she explained "will follow a transitive verb, which is a type of action verb. A direct object can be noun, pronoun, phrase, or clause. If you can identify the subject and verb in a sentence, finding the direct object, providing there is one, should be easy. Just remember, put a subject and a verb together, and the what or who that follows is the direct object. For example, Matthew and Cindy played soccer. The subjects are Matthew and Cindy, the verb is played and the direct object is Soccer".

She paused and looked around the room. "Okay, who can give me a sentence with a direct object?" she asked. Paul raised his hand. "Paul?"

"I think you're the best teacher in the whole school!" Paul stated. "Why, thank you, Paul" replied Miss O'Neill "but what is the direct object?" Paul answered "To get the best grade possible!"


This guy is walking alone near the pier when he spots a girl, with no arms and no legs, sitting in her wheelchair crying.

Curious, he walks up to her. "What's the matter?" he says. The girl looks up at him and says "I'm almost 25 and I've never been on a date". Feeling sorry for her, he decides to ask her out. She says yes and they go out and have a pretty good time.

The next week he is walking alone near the pier again and he sees the woman, again crying near the edge of the pier. "What's wrong now?" he says to her. "I'm almost 25 and I've never been kissed". she replies back. He thinks "Well, she's not too bad looking... I'll give her a kiss". So he does so and this makes her happy.

The next week our philanthropist is again walking out near the pier when he sees the same woman again crying in her wheelchair near the edge of the pier. With a heavy heart, he walks up to her.

"What's wrong NOW?" Through her tears she says "Well, I'm almost 25 and I've never been fucked". So the man grabs her wheelchair by the handles and pushes her off the edge of the pier and says "There! NOW you're fucked!"




-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. The number 1 ideal way to waste time on the internet according to Forbes Magazine **(conditions apply - see below)
-Next update will be next Thursday. Sardonicism not intended.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will say some very hurtful things about you and back it up with some beautiful photoshops. This is the kind of person he is... fat. Surprisingly fat. Ray is so fat he needs 2 Facebook accounts.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

**In an as yet unwritten and unresearched article.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go cry to mummy about it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.