orsmupdate 2015.10.08-19.02
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Welcome to I may not be right but you're always wrong.

I'm not so happy to announce that the annoying breathing problem which made life hell for a week about 6 months ago is back. Don't think its going to kill me but the feeling of not being able to draw a full breath is a little bit shithouse. Obviously I've sought medical advice from Google and it could apparently be one of several things - something to do with reflux, something to do with anxiety, something to do with pulled muscles or something to do with heart disease. Reasonably sure it's the first one and if the last experience is anything to go by it will automagically disappear without explanation in the next few days. On the other hand, if there's no update next Thursday then I may have been misdiagnosed...

Has been a typically full past week of. There was barely a free minute between Friday and Sunday. So starting with Friday... this is the one day of the week I'm on baby duty and its never the same as the one before. You can kind of plan but at this age your day/life revolves around sleep schedules and right now we're apparently transitioning from 2 to 1. So I did some stuff, worked, ran errands, did laundry, bought a replacement hard drive, even got groceries out of the way before making it to the city for a family dinner. At this point I really, REALLY want to make a joke about stay at home mums who complain "its so hard" but they'll all be too busy sitting on the couch watching soaps or having coffee with friends to get the intended humour.

Saturday was hit and miss. Okay mostly miss. After punching out some exercise we headed over to mates place to help him setup his home network. He couldn't get it going at all. I simply connected one cable and the whole thing sprung to life. Always the way - you spend countless hours messing with something and then along comes some jerk who claims all the credit.

There may have been a touch of smugness in my words about the football last week. The AFL Grand Final match promised big things, mostly a West Coast victory over Hawthorn. Our side of the country knew it a win was in the bag, and we didn't care what anyone else had to say. But what really happened is we got creamed and it was not pretty. It was embarrassing.

We invited a handful of friends over to watch the game and get rowdy. Everyone arrived ahead of bounce down, cracked opened beers, made themselves comfortable and got ready for what was going to be a demolition. And in almost all ways it was... just by the wrong team. It was basically over in the first 10 minutes and pretty hard to watch after then. Sure, we'd scream in hope at the TV after every score or good passage of play but we all knew deep down that it wasn't going to happen. And that's about all you can say about it.

That night - The Phantom Menace. Like so so so many other guys, I have a GF that has never seen Star Wars. Have been trying to change that for years but never quite get around to it. Now though, TV is playing all 6 films, one every Saturday in the lead up to the new films release. Sweet. And I convinced her to watch them all. Double sweet. Had wondered what order they would play them in - release or episode order. Unfortunately they decided to start with Episode I, aka the worst film in the franchise and probably not how you should introduce someone to Star Wars if you want them to like it. There's actually much debate about the order to best enjoy the films and chronologically or by release don't get a look in. The best way to enjoy the saga, they say, is IV (A New Hope), V (The Empire Strikes Back), I (The Phantom Menace), II (Attack of the Clones), III (Revenge of the Sith), VI (Return of the Jedi). You can read more about it here. But I digress. Did she like it? Sure, it was great... or so she says.

Sunday began with exercising and dodging swooping magpies. Its breeding season and the little fuckers are feeling particularly hostile. We don't want your stupid babies! Haven't been nailed yet but it's definitely going to happen. All fun and games until someone loses an eye. Smashed out some motherfucking eggs upon arriving home before rolling into the continuing spring-clean. Somewhere in there, mowing the lawn became a good idea, as did spraying the weeds. Shit just progressed until eventually the whole outside was de-junked, de-dusted, de-weeded, hosed down and ready to be dirtied again. Miraculously now after just a couple of weekends of effort the house feels habitable. All those things plonked in a corner because that's where they were temporarily moved "out of the way" and ended up living there are now gone. The not so surprising effect is everything feels clearer. Like in the mind. Less cluttered.

After some early afternoon visitors dropped by, we jumped in the car and headed south for Fremantle. For a place that used to be a Sunday staple, its been a long while since we got down there. Little bit sad too. So many of the shops and whatever have closed down that the vibe seems to be disappearing. Anyway we rolled through the markets, bought vegetables and smashed out an early dinner. All in all not a bad way to wind down the weekend.

Yet again there's a large bunch of words that went longer than it had to. Hope you enjoyed the insight into my life... if not then you can always go suck a dick. Once you're finished, below is a brand-spanking new update that is guaranteed to entertain for so many reasons. Stop being a cunt and check it...

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Mind BLOWNCheck Out This Mind Blowing 9/11 Back To The Future Conspiracy - Truly AmazingDoctor’s Miraculously Reattaches Toddler Jackson Taylor’s Decapitated Head After Horrific Car Crash - $1k/week!$1000 A Week Just To Wait In Line? - She Did What?Woman Blinds Herself Intentionally After Suffering Condition Believing She Should Be Disabled - Car PornTesla Model S Takes On A V8 Supercar - Magic FailThis Magician Thinks His Trick Went Well - Noooooo!!The Legend Returns To Teach Us A Hype New Move Called "The Internal Dap". It's The Most Brutal Hardcore Handshake Of All Time. It's Rumoured A Handshake Of This Magnitude Can Symbolically Join Souls For Eternity. - Lucky FoolsThe Luckiest Fools At The Shooting Range - Hex FRVRThis Is An Addictive Puzzle Game That Is Deceptively Simple - Its Basically Tetris In Hexagon Style. Just Fit The Blocks Into The Larger Hexagon. It Is So Ridiculously Addictive You'll Wish You'd Found Drugs Before Finding This.

ChallengingFunny how some games can have such a simple foundation, yet have the ability to hold your Attention And Give You A Bit Of Excitement. This Very Dotty Game Is One Of Them. A Game That Will Grab U By Its Simplicity And Then Reel U In For The Kill. - Simple SexyJoanna Krupa Braless In Tight Black Tank Top - Sweet CurvesI’ve Never Seen A Girl Wear A Towel As A Dress Before But We Can All Agree She Knows How To Pull It Off! Not Really Surprising When Amanda Love And Has Tits Like Those. Dayum! - Nude FrenchieElisa Meliani Is Someone I’ve Never Heard Of, But After Extensive Research, It Turns Out That She’s A Model Out Of Paris... - Shit'imselfMaybe Dude In The Black Shorts Should Not Have Went Out Drinking Last Night. There Is Nothing Worse Than Having Bud-Mud In The Middle Of The Ring. And As He Is Walking Around, More Crap Is Falling Out Of His Shorts. I Would Declare Him The Winner. Bonus, Love The Person Gagging Off Camera. - Rough SexThis Chick's Pussy Gets Punched More Then The Chin Of Muhammad Ali In A 15 Round Battle. - That EasySeeing A Cruise Ship Constructed In Time Lapse Really Shows The Amount Of Work That It Takes To Build One - For The LadsIf You Know That Alcohol Makes You Wild And Reckless Its Perhaps Better To Drink Less... Unlike This Chick Who Is Drunk And Totally Cool With A Group Of Guys Bottle Fucking Her For Fun. - Lube Up!Apparently You Can Use With Whipped Cream As Anal Lube

Momentum KillsThe Gerbils Are Invading! It's Your Task This Action-Strategy Game To Send Out Your Armed Forces To Destroy The Gerbil Enemy. Not An Easy Task By Any Measure And This Game Is Not Your Usual Strategy Game. It's A Fast Paced Game, Where U Must Use Collision Physics To Your Advantage. What Are Collision Physics? Well That, My Friend, Is Something You Will Have To Discover For Yourself... - What A CuntAsshole Professional Wrestler Bullies A Little Girl At A Live Event - DepravityThis Is For The Type Of Guys Who Only Leave Their Mother's Basement To Sign For That Package Of Lube And Real Dolls - Dirty BitchIts Hard Enough To Find A Chick That Likes Anal, But This One Likes It With A Fist In Her Snatch. She's A Keeper. - Ellie G TitsEllie Goulding Nipples Are Quite Superb - Nasty SlutsAs It Turns Out, The Brazilians Are The Sick Pervs Of South America. Sure They Are Not On The Level Of The Japanese, But They Are Working Their Way Up There. Something About That Spit That Mad Me Gag A Little Bit, And This Time, I Didn't Even Have A Chubby. - Tessa FowlerCandids From Tessa Fowler’s Roller Chic Shoot. Great Look At Her Big Boobs! - Model TitsKemp Muhl Perky Breasts In See Through Dress - Phone SexWoman Encounters The Worst, Most Perverted Customer Service Rep Of All-Time

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's Wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the service for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied". The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago!"
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal'. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, 'But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around".
One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatoes" So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, tomatoes" Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said "Could you stop making sandwiches - you're getting mayonnaise on me!"


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What we have here is a pretty interesting list of some common misconceptions about various things, debunked. Read on and prepare to have everything you know about anything shattered...

-Redheads are not going extinct. Genes do not go extinct. Recessive genes can be carried from generation to generation without emerging as a hair colour.

-While it is believed that coffee comes from 'coffee beans', it is actually made from a seed which is called a bean.

-Danish pastries actually originated in Austria, inspired by Turkish baklava. Their name comes from a Danish chef who popularised them in Western Europe and the United States in the early 20th century, including baking it for the wedding of US President Woodrow Wilson in 1915. In Denmark and much of Scandinavia, Danish pastries are called 'Viennese Bread.'

-Chameleons actually change colour as a response to mood, temperature, communication and light instead of the object they are touching and their surroundings.

-Drinking alcohol does not kill brain cells, at least not immediately. Long-term excessive drinking can lead to neurological damage along with many other health problems, but if you just had one bad night, your brain will be fine in the morning even if your body might not.

-While Mount Everest is officially the tallest mountain in the world, it technically may not be. The summit of Everest is officially higher above sea level than the summit of any other mountain, but Mauna Kea is the tallest when measured from base to summit. However, the record books deem it the tallest because it has the highest peak on Earth. 

-Gladiators didn't kill each other as often as you might think. The most prized fighters were worth a lot of money as trained entertainers and many lived very long lives. A grave found at Ephesus in 2007 Turkey found the remains of 67 men aged between 20 and 30. Many had sustained serious wounds but they had healed over time, suggesting they had been prized individuals with access to medical care.

-The Apollo astronauts confirmed that you can't see the Great Wall of China from the Moon. In fact, all you can see from the Moon is the white and blue marble of Earth.

-One of the most common misconceptions about Darwin's theory of evolution by natural selection is that Darwin claimed we evolved from chimpanzees. Darwin never actually said this, nor will any respectable biologist. This myth was actually spread by religious zealots during the 19th century in order to try and discredit Darwin and promote anti-evolutionism among the religious. Humans and chimpanzees are actually cousins (we share about 94% of our DNA with them) and both evolved from a common ancestor around 7 million years ago.

-1 year does not necessarily 7 dog years. While true in some cases, it does not apply to everyone because it very much depends on the size and breed of the dog.

-Most of us only experience gravity in the downward direction, but gravity is not just a downward force. It pulls in all directions and dimensions.

-Losing body heat fastest through your head is widely believed to be true however some experts say we would be just as cold going without a hat as we would without trousers.

-Mercury is the closest planet to our sun, but it's not the hottest planet in the solar system. Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system with an average surface temperature of 864 degrees Fahrenheit.

-The Earth isn't actually revolving around the Sun. Technically, the Earth, sun and all of the other the planets are orbiting around the centre of mass of the solar system, not specifically the sun.

-Contrary to what you learned in school, there are four states of matter, not three. Solid, liquid, gas, and plasma are the four states of matter you see every day.

-Different parts of your tongue detects different tastes was scientifically disproven - all taste sensations come from all regions of the tongue, however different parts are more sensitive to certain tastes.

-Remember the old chewing gum take up to 7 years to digest line? Not even. The truth is that chewing gums are not digested - they just go in and out of our body without change.

-Peanuts, along with beans and peas, actually belong to the single plant family, Leguminosae. They're not nuts at all.

-Gun silencers cannot muffle the sound of an exploding weapon to a whisper. While it does work to muffle the weapon, the result is about as loud as a police siren, which is still one hundred times less loud than the gunfire without a silencer.

-Most experts say that microwave ovens don't give off enough energy to damage the genetic material (DNA) in cells so they can't cause cancer.


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Sam and John were out chopping wood when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours".

So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub". Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours".

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field". Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said "Gee, heads are really tough.

Come back in twelve hours". So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said "I'm sorry, John died". Sam said "I understand - heads are tough". The surgeon said "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"


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It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.

It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming "I want a bitch with herpes".

Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. "I'm sorry, what did you say?" "I said 'I want a bitch with herpes'" says the child. "Well I'm afraid we don't have any ladies that fit that description" replies the Madam. "I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes" says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog.

The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him.

After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour "Why did you want a whore with herpes?"

"Well" explains the boy "My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I'm going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he's going to fuck her. Then he's going home to fuck mum. In the morning she's going to fuck the milkman. He's going to fuck his wife, she's going to fuck her boss, he's going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she's going to fuck my headmaster and HE'S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!"


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-Fortune cookies were originally the invention of Japanese-Americans before being widely adopted by Chinese culture.

-Pouring milk on an acid burn does not bring relief or help. In fact, when milk reacts with the acid it increases the heating sensation. Any foreign object, including milk, smeared into the wound will only make treatment much harder. Milk is an excellent ground for microbes to grow and hence will do more damage.

-The word 'sushi' actually translates as sour-tasting.

-If your car is struck by lightning, the car tires do not protect you from being electrocuted. It's actually your car's metal frame that conducts the electricity straight to the ground.

-The forbidden fruit mentioned in the Book of Genesis is an apple however the bible never specifically says it was an apple.

-Lightning never strikes (same place) twice is far from true. Tall building such as the Empire State Building get struck over 100 times a year.

-Flu-sufferers are often encouraged to increase their dosage of Vitamin C, but most experts have stated that there is little or no evidence that the vitamin can help treatment of a cold. Instead of effectively treating a cold, it is thought to help build up the immune system to ward of potential flu viruses. That said, ingesting large quantities of Vitamin C can be harmful. The limit for an adult is 2,000 milligrams a day. While a mega-dose of Vitamin C will not likely kill you, it can cause diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, headache, heartburn, and other unpleasant side effects.

-There's actually only a small percentage of people with Tourette's syndrome that randomly yell out swear words. Tourette's encompasses a lot more than that, including involuntary movements and different sound tics. The swearing tic is called coprolalia.

-Penguins are mostly monogamous, but there are some species such as the Emperor Penguin which are serially monogamous. They mate with one couple for the whole season but will probably mate with another penguin the following year as the urgent need for breeding will make them avoid waiting for the same couple.

-Stress is not major high blood pressure factor - while blood pressure may increase temporarily when you're stressed, stress has not been proven to cause chronic high blood pressure.

-When in London, you are rarely more than six feet from a rat. This is of course just an estimate based on the rodent population.

-Not all oranges are... orange. In many countries, oranges are green, even when ripe. Oranges are unknown in the wild. They are a cross between tangerines and the Chinese grapefruit (which is pale green or yellow), and were first grown in Southeast Asia. There were green there then, and today they still are.

-As the Moon is constantly rotating on its own axis, there is no area of the planetoid which is in permanent darkness.

-Cracking your knuckles isn't the great arthritis causer everyone thinks. For the most part, the cracking and popping of joints is normal and nothing to be concerned about.

-A toilet's flush will NOT change direction depending upon which hemisphere it is in. The real cause of 'backwards'-flushing toilets is just that the water jets point in the opposite direction.

-Amytal sodium, also known as truth serum, will not keep the person from telling lies. It gives a person the feeling of being drunk and a possibly a loose tongue.

-A common misconception is that sunflower heads track the sun across the sky when in full bloom. The uniform alignment of the flowers does result from heliotropism in an earlier development stage, the bud stage, before the appearance of flower heads so technically they follow the sun before they have bloomed, not after.

-The beautiful rings of Saturn are not solid bands. The rings are comprised of individual dust and ice particles that range in size from microscopic to many feet long.

-Neurologists describe the myth as false and state we use virtually every part of the brain, and that most of the brain is active almost all the time.

-The idea that T-Rex dinosaurs never used their baby forearms for anything isn't true. Research suggests that the males used their arms to pin down a fellow female during mating.

-Your fingernails and hair don't actually continue to grow after you cark it. The dehydration of the body after death causes skin around hair and nails to shrink and retract, giving the illusion that they have grown.

-Black holes are not actually the colour black. They look black when we observe them because they emit no form of visible light. One of the only ways we know black holes exist is because of the gravitational pull they have on stars.

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This bloke's in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that" says his wife so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside. "Eh mate" says the stranger "can you give us a push?" "No, bugger off, it's half three. I was in bed!" says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a prat. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to bugger off??"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate".

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" and he replies: "I'm over here on the swing".


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Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.

Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1 a pound Call (202) 555-0238.

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded "Ten pounds". The voice replied "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning".

About 9am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating "If you catch me, you can have me".

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself". He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked "How much weight do you want to lose?" To which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied "Ten more pounds". "Very well" the voice on the phone told him "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.

"At about 8am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating "If you catch me, you can have me". The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her.

When he was through she told him "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself". He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 10 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time". The man replied "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this huge gorilla with a sign around his neck stating "If I catch you, I am going to have you".


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A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks "Did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes, mum. I had sex with my English teacher!" The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home!"

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher". "That's right, Dad". "Well, you became a man today. This is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for".

"That sounds great, dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me!"


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Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to bring along one item to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, they turned to another and said "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'Grandma Moses' of jail.

Then he asked the first "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said "I brought cards. I can play poker, gin and other games with a cellmate, or all sorts of different solitaire games when I'm by myself".

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning it himself. The other two took notice and asked "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said "I brought these".

The other two were puzzled and asked "What can you do with those?" He grinned, pointed to the box and said "Well according to the label, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller skating..."


Hard to believe its over for another week. If that worries you - STOP. There's plenty more to go...

-Check out the site archives. Its is unfathomable just how huge they are and how much entertainment they contain. Check them. Check them now!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless the breathing thing claims me then no more updates ever let alone next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray break his fist on your face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and challenge all authority. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.