Welcome to the funky b-b-b-b-beats-beats-beats.
No matter how hard you try, sometimes it's impossible to get everything done. At least that's my excuse today anyway. It wasn't that one thing hijacked my shit... it was a good 7 or 8 well-timed interruptions that made everything fall apart. Everything from a meeting to unplanned drop-ins to a child that will. not. sleep. Now I think about it, there really may be some argument for moving updates to Friday's... hmmm. Why have I never thought of this? WTF is wrong with me... WTF is RIGHT with me?? #existentialcrisis
Anyway I still got pretty much everything done and dusted except for this blog section at the top. I'm sure no one will lose their mind over it but if they do, well they've obviously got bigger problems. Enjoy the update, fuckers. Check it...
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend. Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked. "Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled. "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, but..". stammered the woman. "Well lie back and spread 'em" replied the doctor. "Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap".
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked "You look fine to me". "I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches".
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore". At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look" she said "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".
After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye. He says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health". To which the wife nods her head and he continues "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me". Bernie says "So before I die I just want you to know you're a fucking jinx!"
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So they uncle asked "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said "Seven". The uncle said "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets". So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boy's pockets, then the boy said "Eleven!"
Stranger ThingsStranger Things Season 2: Netflix Release Date, Cast, Trailers, And Everything You’ll Ever Need To Know- Magnifi-titsWow! This Curvy Chick Is Reason Enough To Watch QVC - Implant TechCompany Biohacks Workers With Implantable RFID Chips In Their Hands To Replace ID Cards - Free EntryLooks Like This Concert Had An Unofficial Backdoor - Gender BenderHave You Ever Wondered Why Transsexuals Don't Embrace The Pride Rainbow? It's Because Rainbows Are Optical Illusions And Don't Really Exist. Also They Always Seem To Only Like "Straight" Men.
- Science!So Basically What We're Saying Is You Need A Net... - PunishedThief Gets A Brutal Lesson In Not Ever Stealing Their Shit Ever Again - Shark JerkThe Biggest Jerk In The Sea - Oops My BadMopeds Will Always Be A Form Of Population Control.
Champs FacialAnd That's Why You Got Squirted In The Face - Heidi MontagHeidi Montag Nipples In Wet Bikini Top - Donuts ;-)Busty Babe Cara Rose Posing Topless With Doughnuts, Candy And More Doughnuts!! Would Love To Eat Treats Off Of Her Big Boobs. Oh Yes I Would. - Bye CuntsFrench Special Forces Take Out An Isis S-Vbied - The GoodsMost Of Us Saw The Video Of How To Tell If Breasts Are Real Or Fake Using The iPhone Flash But Did You Know She Was So Damn Hot? Here She Is In All Her Glory... - 60lb Of TitsThis Is What 60lbs Of Tits Looks Like - Go Deep Son!Even All Her Crying Won't Make Him Stop - Cum All OverI Don't Know What's More Impressive... The Bodies On These Beauty's, Or The Amount Of Cum They Take To The Face! - Busty BuffyBusty Buffy Roughly Titty Fucked For Cum On Tits
PhunnyFunny Pictures DCXLIII - Lucky!Bus Driver Passes Out And Crashes Into A Train. - PloughedThis Dude Is Taking His Time Destroying This Girls Pussy As He Records The Entire Fuck Session On Webcam. - SexretaryDoes Anyone Know Her Name?? - Killer AssGuy Fucks His Best Friend's Wife In The Attic While Hubby Makes Them Dinner - Nasty CuntThis Cunt Bled All Over It’s White Yoga Pants. Can This Be Called Anything Other Than: Extreme Attention Seeking? - Horny OldiesGrandpa Gets A Blowjob In Public - 'BatinAmateur Girl With Great Tits Is Home Alone So She Decides To Film Herself Doing A Solo Session! - Suki NipsSuki Waterhouse Braless In White See Through Dress - Sore LoserAnd The Ice Bucket Wins By Knockout! - Butts #73Phun's Bonus Butts #73
This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks "You haven't got aids have you?" He replies "No" she responds "Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want to get that again!"
These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?" "Yeah" says his mate "It's probably because they've got toys to play with".
Bill pulled up a stool at his favourite bar and announced "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week" Bill explained "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering "My old man's home! My old man's home!"
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet!" came the excited reply. "OK" she said. "I come back in ten minutes".
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
HOLLYWOOD HAS BEEN LYING TO US
-There are no consequences of a high speed car chase. Police are never interested in following up just why your car was driving at high speed down the wrong side of the highway, and why 16 other cars collided. Similarly, none of the other cars' drivers will be in touch to find out your insurance details.
-Black people are not by default criminals, single mums or muscular, super-hot people.
-Average working-class Americans living in nice newish houses and apartments. The median household income in 2015 was about $53K, and for that amount you don't get a picture perfect place to live in.
-Nobody farts or burps or uses the washroom unless they are escaping out of a window.
-Two Russians, when they speak to each other, almost always speak in English with a heavy Russian accent and not in Russian itself.
-Villains are always bad shots, giving the good guys time to find cover whilst giving away their own location.
-Humans can fight in a brawls with no broken bones, blood, messed up hair, etc.
-Good guys always win - In real life this is not the case. Real world has proven that no matter whether you are good or bad, if you have money and power you can bend the rules to win.
-A van cannot easily smash through a locked gate in a chain linked fence.
-Chinese characters are into Karate or Kung Fu.
-A cowboy cop can repeatedly break laws and Department rules with no legal trouble.
-Hitting someone in the head easily knocks people out.
-Tom Cruise always saves the world.
-When there is an explosion everybody dies instantly most of your internal organs explode due to pressure and not burn slowly.
-Humans will fall down fast no matter where they are shot.
-Cops taste test drugs to see what they are.
-Asian looking people are not always shop owners.
-Waking up from a coma has minimal repercussions.
-Tornadoes actually pull everything inward and not outward.
-A wrong turn always leads to horrible and scary places.
-A student can easily hack into the school system and change their record of absences.
-Jason Statham plays different characters
-If CPR doesn't work you can try punching their chest.
-A hacker cannot break into the evil guys network/robot/system/whatever with a timer ticking down to conveniently let you know when the security will be breached.
-Being taught by a Martial Arts Master in a short period of time will result in winning a Karate or some other specific martial arts tournament even when opponents have way more experience.
-Running away from police, US Marshals, and other authorities is a wise idea to prove your innocence.
-Bullets don't spark when shot they are made mostly of copper.
-A human can survive a high fall landing on a car, or hard ground with no damage to their body.
-NYPD or FBI are better than every criminal, but the hero comes from a different background and yet seizes the day. And what more, the cops include him in their pursuit.
-Mexicans are heavily into tequila and salsa.
-Foreign villains are always screaming and yelling bad things in their native language. All foreign villains have screaming problems.
-It's so damn easy to hack into a traffic system using a Laptop.
-People working as a restaurant waiter living a stylish comfortable life. If you wait tables other than in upscale and very expensive restaurants, you barely have enough money to cover bills.
-Getting repeatedly knocked out doesn't have any lasting problems.
-Cars never run out of fuel. You can be driving to work, decide you'd rather drive from San Diego to Boston with a stop in Houston without filling up the tank.
-Sex always looks fantastic and there are no weird bodily noises or klutzy mishaps. And every woman's boobs are perky and perfect no matter what!
-Eiffel tower is visible from everywhere in Paris. In reality, unless one is within a 2 km radius, the tower is nowhere close to visible.
-Good guys are great shots.
-When you work 40 hours a week and have a wife and three kids to support, you have all the time in the world to go to a bar every night and get drunk out of your mind.
-Computers don't make lots of beeps and squeaks when they're doing stuff.
-It's impossible to aim two guns and shoot, our eyes don't function that way.
-Police have access to all the data in the world. DNA records, dental records, finger prints, telephone records, list of everybody's friends and acquaintances.
-If a person is Irish they'll drink alcohol. Probably Jameson's.
GIRLS IN CARS previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?" Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help.
He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and mouldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's mouldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man". The man says "No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbour sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens". His neighbour says "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire".
Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens. The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape".
Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.
The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies "Its pussy willow". He says "Hold on, let me get my hat".
SENSATIONAL CAMEL TOE ACTION previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
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HOLLYWOOD HAS BEEN LYING TO US (CONTINUED)
-Anyone can pick up a weapon and fire it reasonably accurately, even if with no firearms experience whatsoever.
-Japanese are expressionless and play with robots.
-You can enhance any image and improve its quality.
-A city cop can repeatedly visit a city in another state investigating a criminal case repeatedly with no approval from the police department he or she works for without getting fired, demoted, suspended, or any other negative consequences.
-That people exercising never look bad. Women with long hair don't get it stringy and sticky with sweat, and no-one turns red in the face or has a muffin top that jiggles.
-You can easily survive getting thrown through the air by an explosion.
-White people come in all shapes and sizes not only athletic, perfect teeth and perfect body.
-When the killer is after you, adrenaline is basically non-existent. Actually thanks to adrenaline all your senses are more sensitive and active, let's not forget that your heart rate increases to supply your muscles with oxygen so you're less likely to trip and fall.
-Punching glass with an unprotected hand to break it is a safe wise idea.
-If a cop doesn't read your miranda rights you go free.
-Every machine is a 'She'.
-Bulletproof vests stay in place don't have to be adjusted.
-Cars can jump off high places without having anything happening to the car nor to the people inside it.
-If the lead character is persistent enough and keeps stalking the female lead character, she will eventually fall in love with him.
-The insanity defence has a decent success rate.
-All gay guys are good looking and well dressed. Certainly not slobby or hairy.
-A man and woman will have mostly nothing or nothing at all in common yet still they end up together.
-All fit and beautiful people on the street. The reality is that two out of three adult Americans are overweight or obese. That doesn't make a nice backdrop for pretty movies.
-Everyone is beautiful, even the ugly people.
-Hacking into high security military grade servers is done within 2 mins by a random tech guy, whose laptop never requires charging and has fancy screen savers.
-There is no such thing as a “hand blood vessel structure analyser and database” to catch suspect.
-People dropping dead like a sack of potatoes when shot once. Unless it's a powerful rifle round and/or a hit in the head, a person doesn't die immediately.
-Movie prostitutes look like Julia Roberts. Real life ones often look more like Eric Roberts.
-That when you drive in the city, there will always be an empty parking space right in front of the building you're going to.
-You'll be safe from a large explosive if you're behind a vending machine.
-Bruises and cuts heal within 5-7 hours or whenever hair and makeup get tired of keeping them consistent.
-The world is black and white with persons simply being bad or good.
-Any place on Earth can be placed under surveillance using a satellite that is available 24x7 and the data can be obtained real-time.
-A woman with glasses can be easily made over into an amazing looking woman.
-Breaking windows (especially car windows) is pretty hard.
-Every high class villain has a unique taste; art or music or fine cigars or specific beer brand.
-If it is an action sequence and you are chasing the bad guy, no matter how many traffic lights you break, the police won't come near you. They come into picture only when you are driving through a suburban road or parking your car.
-Police won't think of looking inside abandoned warehouses for hideouts of criminals.
-Dismembering a body isn't as easy, ever tried cutting piece of meat for dinner? Enough said.
-People are not that good looking.
-Brits are suave during the day, and get drunk at night.
-Kicking open a door with one foot is painful and will seldom lead to success.
-You always have time for your last words.
-Africa is all desert.
-A human can easily dodge a high amount of gunfire.
-It is easy to fall in love with strangers - love at first sight is a concept that has been exaggerated by many films.
-A single kiss with a woman trying to avoid any contact with a man does NOT immediately send her into orgasmic bliss.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there". "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!"
NIP SLIPS previously on Orsm: #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says "I call my man 7-up". They ask her" Why do you call your man that" and she says" Because he's seven inches long and is always up.
They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says" I call my man Mountain Dew". They ask "Why do you call your man that?" And she says "Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me".
They ask the third girl the same thing and she says "I like to call my man Jack Daniels". They look at her puzzled and say" Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor" and she says "Exactly".
OLDER SHITE: 9th February - 2nd February - 26th January - 19th January - 12th January - 5th January
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..."
Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They're full, they don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers "Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"
SENSATIONAL TAN LINES galleries previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening.
The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress". This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair.
"Jervis" she continued "now take off my stockings and garter belt". Again, Jervis silently obeyed.
"Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties". Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed.
Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"
PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: CHARLOTTE - RITA - JULIAH - HEATHER - GENIE - ELSIE - VALLA - MARTINA - CATHERINE
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and potato. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.