Welcome to FUD.
With enough advance notice you do pretty much anything... for instance making sure there's an update in the can ready for when you need [read: want] a little time off after finally getting the baby out from inside your GF's vagina. Speaking of which... amusing just how many emails I got asking where last week's update was. Not only does it prove people don't always read the available information, they invent facts too. My favourite was whoever asked "Why hasn't there been an update in weeks?" but most surprisingly not a single "Where's the fucking update you fat fuck?". You guys have changed. You're slipping.
This update is all your hopes and dreams coming true in one fell swoop. There's a fuck-tonne of new videos, jokes, babes, RS plus a bunch of other stuff but most importantly... the boring bloggy bit at the top is gone and you get a bunch of jokes instead. What more could anyone ask for? [No I will not give you a hand shandy]. Check it...
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "Okay" the judge-said "tell the court why you want a divorce". "Well, your honour" Dan started "every once in a while my sister-in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake". "Surely there must be some difference between the two women". the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honour! That's why I want the divorce..."
Our grandmothers had genuine knowledge of staying naturally healthy. My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge: "For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, with low blood pressure red wine, with high blood pressure cognac, and whenever I have a cold, I drink rum". "And when do you drink water?" "I've never been that sick!"
What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy? The diaper.
Teacher: "What kind of wife would you like Johnny?" Johnny: "I would want a wife like the moon". Teacher: "Wow! What a choice.... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?" Johnny: "No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning".
What's the difference between a black and a tyre? A tyre doesn't sing when you put chains on it.
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor" he said "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine". "Nonsense" the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool". "It isn't possible" the man insisted. "We're pure Asian". "Well" said the doctor "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month". "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust".
How to upset greenies? Kill whales with uranium and bury their bodies in rain forests.
"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective asked the secretary. "I don't know" she sobbed "he was always so nice to me. Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me". "And what did you say?" I just said "The other men in the office always just give me fifty bucks".
A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She answers "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine".
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her. "Dear" she continued "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight. "And" she went on "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?" With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Well" answered the husband "I have to get my teeth".
The school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies "A turnip, miss". "No Johnny" corrects the teacher "I believe you're thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No miss" says Little Johnny "You ever been hit in the balls with a turnip?"
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the redneck`s home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. "They all wanted to let him go!"
He Scares Me - NOPE! - Filthy - It Matters - I'm Busy - Bad Parenting - Waahhh - Crazy Selfies - Tits Out - Love Her
Da Bomb - Goth BJ - Slam Her - Nude Fashion - Dry Sex - Wild Anal - Demons - WMD Peen - All Holes - So Dumb
Escape Hell - Fuck Buddy - Deaf Gangsta - Not A Stunt - Surfer Babe - Fearless - Blonde Cutie - Creepy Dad - Hard Nips
We've got an aviary at home but one of our birds of prey will only fly around at night when we play 80's pop songs... Our Kestrel Manoeuvers In The Dark!!
While watching a program about fashion models, my friend turned to her husband. "I would love to have a body like that" she said. "Why?" he asked. "You'd only stretch it out".
One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said... "Then your feet were too far apart."
Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers and he says "Collecting... that'll be five dollars". She says "I'm a little short on cash but if you want I'll give you sex instead...?" Johnny says "All right". He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick. She says "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it". He says "Not for five bucks you can't!"
EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT SEX
Part 1 can be found doing its thing here.
-Sex is 10 times more effective than Valium.
-Fifty per cent of women say bad sex is a relationship deal breaker, but only 44 per cent of guys agree.
-In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
-Shaving your pubic area increases your chances of spreading an STI.
-Sex can actually blow your mind: transient amnesia (temporary memory loss) can be triggered by wild sex.
-Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.
-A woman's butt sticks out 25 percent more when she is wearing heels.
-Compliments in bed make girls more likely to orgasm.
-For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn pages.
-In a recent study, one in nine young ladies has used the morning-after pill after sex.
-When you kiss someone, you exchange hormonal and health info. It's nature's way of allowing you to assess if you click sexually.
-Most men's erections are five and a half to six inches long. Although men's penis sizes tend to vary greatly when they're soft, the smaller ones expand more when erect than the larger ones.
-Stay on top of your visits to the gynaecologist. Many of the worst STIs you can contract have absolutely no symptoms at all for up to three to five years.
-Men think about sex around 19 times a day. Women around ten times.
-The vagina and the eye are self-cleaning organs.
-Keep it PG and still feel good. The nerve endings in the clitoris extend out to where the pubic hair grows, which is why dry humping feels so good.
-Making out burns about 20 kilojoules a minute.
-A study shows that 70 percent of married men and women masturbate despite the fact that they should be 'getting it' more.
-Your pain threshold can increase significantly during arousal.
-Research shows that his fantasies will focus more on your pleasure than your fantasies focus on his.
-A survey in Cosmopolitan magazine said that foreplay usually last 14 to 17 minutes for the average married couple, and that the man typically reaches orgasm after six minutes of copulation.
-The amygdala, the part of your brain triggering fear and anxiety, shuts down when women have an orgasm.
-Most twenty something's have sex 112 times a year.
-More than 44 per cent of men and women initiate sex as often as their partners. The rest are clearly just lame.
-Having an orgasm releases an anti-diuretic hormone, which is why you probably find yourself not being able to pee right after sex.
-Foreplay stimulates an area of the brain called the hippocampus, which is also responsible for memory.
-Approximately 1% of people worldwide identify as asexual (having no strong sexual attraction to either sex).
-You should pee as soon as possible after sex to prevent UTIs (urinary tract infections).
-Sprinkling salt on your tongue before oral may help lessen your gag reflex.
-Pubic hair is programmed to grow a certain amount.
-A blowjob is the number one sexual act desired by straight men.
-Semen can keep your smile looking gorgeous. It contains zinc and calcium that fight tooth decay.
-Studies show that women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
-The average cost of a bra and panty set is $75.
-The more masculine-looking a guy is, the more times you'll orgasm.
-The term "blow job" comes from the Victorian times. In Victorian times, a slang term for a prostitute was "blowsy". At the same time, "blow" was slang for ejaculation. Consequently, by the 1930s, the act of fellatio came to be known as a blow job.
-Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves when trying out bizarre sexual positions.
-Touching the sides of his torso triggers a nerve that makes his erection harder.
-Performing the act of fellatio massages the jaw while burning anywhere from 30-50 calories per session.
-The largest natural penis recorded was 11 inches.
-Scientists found that fruit flies deprived of sex drink more booze than those allowed to mate.
-The word "sex" was coined in 1382.
-Eighty percent of women use vibrators to achieve an orgasm by clitoral stimulation rather than inserting it vaginally.
-The most orgasmic sex for women: solo. Second place: oral. Third place: P-in-V.
Humans are the only species creative enough to "69". All others have settled for the conventional and practical ways of gettin' it done.
-Only 1 percent of women can achieve orgasm from breast stimulation alone.
-Don't hold your breath during sex: the more oxygen that gets to your genitals, the more aroused you'll be.
-Women fantasise about romantic settings (such as islands), whereas men focus more on body parts.
-One in ten European babies is conceived in an IKEA bed.
-Male chimps, bears, dogs (and almost all mammals besides humans) actually have a bone in their penis.
-The average sexual experience lasts 37 minutes.
-If he's close to climaxing, buy some time by squeezing the head of his penis.
-Humans aren't the only ones who perform oral sex. Cheetahs, hyenas, and goats all go down.
-British spies stopped using semen as invisible ink because it began to smell if it wasn't fresh.
-Coffee and booze can make semen taste bitter, while pineapple, celery, and melon make it taste less strong.
-Forty percent of women have experienced exercise-induced orgasms on more than 11 different occasions.
-Sex during your period can ease menstrual cramps.
-Forty-six per cent of Americans think they are more likely to see Bigfoot than to climax at the exact same time as their partner.
-A female ferret will die if she doesn't have sex for a year.
EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT SEX [continued]
-Women with hourglass figures tend to be more fertile.
-Older women are more likely to say they'd orgasmed during their last sexual encounter than younger women.
-Morning wood isn't because he wants sex. Blood flows to his penis when he's asleep, causing an erection.
-The clitoris is the only organ in the human body with just one purpose: pleasure.
-Seven Viagra tablets are sold every second.
-Some of the first tampons were made of lint wrapped around wood.
-According to a survey of adult's aged 20 to 59, women have an average of four sex partners during their lifetimes and men have an average of seven.
-Eating celery while with your man? You may want to jump him - the veg releases odours that make you horny.
-When a guy is turned on his sweat becomes saturated with chemicals that are linked to female arousal.
-The German word for "contraceptive" is Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel. By the time you've finished saying it, it's too late.
-The clitoris is shaped like a wishbone that's about 3 to 4 1/2 inches long.
-Some sexual dysfunction can stem from how a woman feels about the appearance of her genitals.
-Before sex, the lower part of your vagina narrows for a better grip on his penis.
-Men who looked at porn of two men and one woman produced more sperm than those who looked at just women. Scientists speculate that seeing competition makes men step up their baby-making capacities.
-The American Psychiatric Association listed homosexuality as a mental illness until 1973.
-Male honeybees only get to have sex once in their life... because it kills them. During ejaculation the penis breaks off inside the female, and the male dies within hours.
-Festival-goers would rather spend time doing drugs, drinking and having sex than watching the concert they paid big money to see.
-A guy whose GF hangs out with his mates too much is 92 per cent more likely to have difficulty getting erect, because he feels emasculated.
-Your climax will be more intense if you raise your hips slightly and squeeze your PC muscles before peaking.
-A single human male produces enough sperm in two weeks to impregnate every fertile woman on the planet.
-There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.
-Women with higher testosterone levels might be more interested in masturbation than having sex with someone else.
-You're most likely to get distracted during sex at the two- to three-minute mark.
-As Brazilian waxes have become more popular, the pubic-lice population has dwindled.
-73 per cent of women admit having at least one one-night stand.
-The founder of match.com lost his girlfriend to a man she met on match.com.
-New mums are usually ready to have sex sooner than the six-week wait period instructed by their doctor.
-Fourteen per cent of women have experienced a "zone orgasm" which happens when a part of the body other than the boobs or vagina is stimulated.
-The typical person spends about 600 hours having sex between the ages of 20 and 70.
-Gymnophoria is the sense that someone is mentally undressing you.
-Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
-On average, it takes two tablespoons of blood to get a man's penis erect.
-Nipples are erogenous zones because the sensation of hardened nipples travels to the same part of the brain as sensations from the vagina, cervix and the clitoris.
-A woman's odds of climaxing increase as she ages.
-In the Aztec culture avocados were considered so sexually powerful, virgins were restricted from contact with them.
-A female chimpanzee in a fit of passion has the strength of six men.
-The modern psychiatric definition of nymphomaniac is a woman who cannot experience sexual satisfaction regardless of the number of orgasms or partners she has.
-At least 50 percent of sexually active people will have HPV at some point in their lives. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 90 percent of cases, the body's immune system will fight off the disease within two years.
-Semen isn't low carb - it's mostly made of sugar.
-According to psychologists, the shoe and the foot are the most common sources of sexual fetishism in Western society.
-Historical records show that even in 1850, women attempted to practice birth control. The most common method was a mixture of crocodile dung and honey placed in the vagina in the hopes of preventing pregnancy.
-At the 2012 London Olympics, which lasted for 17 days, the athletes were provided with 150,000 free condoms - approximately 15 each.
-About 75 percent of men always reach orgasm during sex and only 29 percent of women do. Actually, most women aren't able to climax through straight vaginal intercourse and need some clitoral stimulation to help them achieve orgasm.
-Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds... which is basically how long it took to read this sentence.
-Studies have proven that 85 per cent of men who die of heart attacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.
-Ithyphallophobia is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
-Formicophilia is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.
-If he finds it hard to stay hard, avoid girl-on-top as his penis will be fighting gravity.
-The "G-spot" was nearly called the Whipple Tickle after Professor Beverley Whipple, who coined the expression that we know today.
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles".
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need, a new suit". He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit". The salesman eyed him briefly and said "Let's see... size 44 long". Joe laughed "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job".
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and said "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe and said "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 18 1/2 neck". Joe was surprised "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job".
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 9 1/2... wide". Joe was astonished "That's right , how did you know?" "It's my job".
Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second, and said "Sure". The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36". Joe laughed "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old".
The salesman shook his head "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
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THE DEFINITIVE ANSWER TO 20 OF YOUR BIGGEST HEALTH QUESTIONS
I post this not because it's funny but because I found it kind of interesting... and that's what Orsm was always supposed to be about. Please don't take it as medical advice though. Only a complete fucktard would make health decisions based on something they read on an adult website...
DOES OLIVE OIL PREVENT HEART DISEASE?
Short answer: YES
The health benefits of olive oil come from the presence of polyphenols, antioxidants that reduce the risk of heart diseases and cancers. But to get these healthy compounds, consumers should buy good-quality, fresh "extra-virgin" olive oil, which has the highest polyphenol content. Most commercially available olive oils have low levels of polyphenols associated with poor harvesting methods, improper storage, and heavy processing.
DO COUGH SYRUPS WORK?
Short answer: NO
In 2006, the nation's chest physicians agreed that the majority of over-the-counter cough medicines don't actually work. These colourful syrups typically contain doses of codeine and dextromethorphan that are too small to be effective. Only cough suppressants that contain older antihistamines seem to relieve coughs. That includes brompheniramine, an active ingredient in Dimetapp.
DO SUGARY SOFT DRINKS LEAD TO DIABETES?
Short answer: YES
The majority of health research is stacked against sugar-sweetened soda. A large 2004 study in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that women who drank one or more sugary drinks per day increased their risk of developing type 2 diabetes by 83% compared to those who consumed less than one of these beverages per month.
DO I NEED SUNSCREEN WITH MORE THAN 30 SPF?
Short answer: NO
Sunscreens with an SPF (sun protection factor) of 30 block about 97% of ultraviolet rays,
while sunscreens with an SPF of higher than 30 block 97%-98%. It's more important that you choose "broad-spectrum" sunscreen, meaning it protects against both UVB and UVA rays. Sunbathers also need to apply a generous amount of sunscreen in order to get the full benefit of the SPF.
IS THE MSG IN CHINESE LIKELY TO GIVE YOU A HEADACHE?
Short answer: NO
A review of 40 years of clinical trials, published in the journal of the American Academy of Nurse Practitioners in 2006, found that all previous research "failed to identify a consistent relationship between the consumption of MSG and the constellation of symptoms that comprise the syndrome" including headaches and asthma attacks. The misconception spawned from several poorly-done small studies in the 1960s that seemed to connect MSG with a variety of maladies that people experienced after eating at Chinese restaurants.
DO NUTS MAKE YOU FAT?
Short answer: NO
As much as 75% of a nut is fat. But eating fat doesn't necessarily make you fat. The bigger factor leading to weight gain is portion-size. Luckily, nuts are loaded with healthy fats that keep you full. They're also a good source of protein and fibre. One study even found that whole almonds have 20% less calories than previously thought because a lot of the fat is excreted from the body.
IS WALKING AS EFFECTIVE AS RUNNING?
Short answer: YES
Studies have shown that how long you exercise, and thus how many calories you burn, is more important than how hard you exercise. Running is a more efficient form of exercise, but not necessarily better for you. A six-year study published in the journal Arteriosclerosis, Thrombosis, and Vascular Biology found that walking at a moderate pace and running produced similar health benefits, so long as the same amount of energy was expended.
IS DRINKING FRUIT JUICE AS GOOD FOR YOU AS EATING FRUIT?
Short answer: NO
Calorie for calorie, whole fruit provides more nutritional benefits than drinking the pure juice of that fruit. That's because when you liquefy fruit, stripping away the peel and dumping the pulp, many ingredients like fibre, calcium, vitamin C, and other antioxidants are lost. For comparison, a five-ounce glass of orange juice that contains 69 calories has .3 grams of dietary fibre and 16 milligrams of calcium, whereas an orange with the same number of calories packs 3.1 grams of fibre and 60 milligrams of calcium.
ARE ALL WHEAT BREADS BETTER FOR YOU THAN WHITE BREAD?
Short answer: NO
Not all wheat breads are created equal. Wheat breads that contain all parts of the grain kernel, including the nutrient-rich germ and fibre-dense bran, must be labelled "whole grain" or "whole wheat". Some wheat breads are just white bread with a little bit of caramel colouring to make the bread appear healthier.
CAN A HOT TUB MAKE ME SICK?
Short answer: YES
Hot tubs - especially ones in spas, hotels, and gyms - are perfect breeding grounds for germs.
The water is not hot enough to kill bacteria, but is just the right temperature to make microbes grow even faster. Even though hot tubs are treated with chlorine, the heat causes the disinfectant to break down faster than it would in regular pools. The most common hot tub infection is pseudomonas folliculitis, which causes red, itchy bumps. A more dangerous side-effect of soaking in a dirty Jacuzzi is a form of pneumonia known as Legionnaire's disease. This is what reportedly sickened more than 100 people at the Playboy Mansion back in 2011.
DOES COFFEE CAUSE CANCER?
Short answer: NO
Coffee got a bad rap in the 1980s when a study linked drinking coffee to pancreatic cancer. The preliminary report was later debunked. More recently, health studies have swung in favour of the caffeinated beverage. Coffee has been linked to a lower risk of type 2 diabetes, Parkinson's disease, liver cancer, and even suicide.
DO EGGS RAISE CHOLESTEROL LEVELS?
Short answer: NO
Although egg yolks are a major source of cholesterol - a waxy substance that resembles fat - researchers have learned that saturated fat has more of an impact on cholesterol in your blood than eating foods that contain cholesterol. "Healthy individuals with normal blood cholesterol levels should now feel free to enjoy foods like eggs in their diet every day" the lead researcher from a 25-year University of Arizona study on cholesterol concluded.
CAN YOU DRINK TOO MUCH WATER?
Short answer: YES
It is very rare for someone to die from drinking too much water, but it can happen. Overhydrating is most common among elite athletes. Drinking an excess of water, called water intoxication, dilutes the concentration of sodium in the blood leading to a condition known as hyponatremia. The symptoms of hyponatremia can range from nausea and confusion to seizures and even death in severe cases. To avoid this, drink fluids with electrolytes during extreme exercise events.
CAN YOGURT EASE DIGESTIVE PROBLEMS?
Short answer: YES
Our digestive tract is filled with microorganisms - some good and some bad. Yogurt contains beneficial bacteria, generically called probiotics, that helps maintain a healthy balance.
Probiotics can relieve several gastrointestinal problems, including constipation and diarrhoea.
DO WHITENING TOOTHPASTES WHITEN TEETH MORE THAN REGULAR TOOTHPASTES?
Short answer: NO
Whitening toothpastes usually contain peroxides and other strong abrasives that might make your teeth appear whiter by removing stains. Unlike at-home whitening strips and gels that contain bleach, these toothpastes do not actually change the colour of your teeth.
IS IT SAFE TO MICROWAVE FOOD IN PLASTIC CONTAINERS?
Short answer: YES
But the plastic container should display the words "microwave safe". This means that the Food and Drug Administration has tested the container to make sure no chemicals used to make the plastic leech into foods during micro waving. If chemicals do seep out into food, the amounts are tiny and not dangerous to our health. As a general guideline, plastic grocery bags as well as most plastic tubs that hold margarine, yogurt, cream cheese, and condiments are not microwave safe.
CAN WATCHING TV RUIN YOUR EYESIGHT?
Short answer: NO
Watching TV will not destroy your rods and cones as the outdated myth suggests. Before the 1950s,
TVs emitted radiation that could increase an individual's risk of eye problems after excessive TV viewing. Modern TVs have special shielding that blocks these harmful emissions.
IS RED WINE BETTER FOR YOU THAN WHITE WINE?
Short answer: YES
Red wine contains much more resveratrol than white wine, an antioxidant found in the skin of grapes that has been shown to fight off diseases associated with aging.
IS BOTTLED WATER BETTER FOR YOU THAN TAP WATER?
Short answer: NO
Bottled water is no safer or purer than tap water, although it is substantially more expensive.
A recent study by Glasgow University in the U.K. found that bottled water is actually more likely to be contaminated than water from your faucet because it is less well-regulated. Bottled water and tap water typically come from the same sources - natural springs, lakes, and aquifers. While public water supplies are tested for contaminants every day, makers of bottled water are only required to test for specific contaminants every week, month, or year.
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A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks "What's the matter?" The guy replies "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods".
The bartender suggests "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The guy says "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it".
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender says "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!" The bartender yells "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems) "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library.
She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows.
On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying "Read it, read it, read it..."
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Eleazer Bokar appeared at the gates of Heaven and knocked for admittance. The great doors slowly swung open and the patriarch Abraham stepped out, blowing his golden trumpet. When he had finished the welcoming concerto, he turned to Eleazer and said "Greetings, blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh. God awaits you".
Recovering from the awesome splendour of this type of welcome, Eleazer quickly replied "Father Abraham, I am ready to meet our God" and stepped forward to enter the celestial portals.
"Wait, my brother" said Abraham, halting Eleazer with an imperiously, upraised palm. "Before entering God's Kingdom, you must first prove that you are worthy of the honour". "But how can I prove my worthiness?" queried Eleazer.
"You must show that, at least once in your mortal life, you displayed outstanding courage. Can you recall one unquestionably brave deed?"
Eleazer's face brightened as he said "Yes I can! I remember going to the Roman Consul's palace where I met him face to face. He was surrounded by dozens of legionnaires, all of whom were armed. Ignoring this fact, I told him that he was a camel's behind, that he was a vulture who fed upon the bones of Jerusalem's oppressed, and that he was a persecutor of humble Jews. I then spat in his face".
"Well" exclaimed Abraham "I am impressed. I must agree that was an extremely brave feat to perform - considering the armed guards and the Roman Consul's hatred of Jews. Yes, my brother, you have certainly earned admittance into Paradise, but please tell me, when did all this happen?"
"Oh" replied Eleazer casually "right before you welcomed me".
Little Johnny asked his mum about a couple of words that kids at school were using... "pussy and bitch" he told her.
Mum inhaled sharply and then said "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy". "Thanks, mum!"
He then found his dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand". "What words, son?" "Pussy and bitch. I asked Mum, but I don't think she told me the right meanings". Dad said "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead".
"Let me explain it like this". He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy".
"Okay, dad. Then what's a bitch?" Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle".
I don't know how to say this but...
-Check out the site archives. By not, the only person you hurt is yourself.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Probably.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will bully you on social media.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and... did you fart? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.