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orsmupdate 2018.01.11-18.19.00

Welcome to Chinese, Japanese, dirty Knees, look at these!

This is my first official week back after the break and I'm struggling. Surprise surprise - there's a backlog of stuff that I'm trying to get on top of which is causing other stuff to fall through the cracks. Its that age old story of: man takes a week off, man returns to the office, man soon hates everything and everyone for ever after. The end.

Had planned to run through the past few weeks but will give the shortened version instead by sticking to the highlights... of which there weren't many. It was all just a big blob of satisfying and in no way blogwothy. The Christmas lead up was chilled. Present shopping wasn't hard. Hit the beach Xmas morning, smashed a buffet for lunch, took it relaxing for the night. Got some cool gifts; everyone liked what I got them. Had friends over for an easy Boxing Day BBQ. Spent the next few days playing PS4, reorganising the house, cleaning up the computer and hanging with the fam. I know that all sounds terribly boring but the break was exactly what I needed it to be.

If I had to pick one highlight though... our three year old was doing something annoying so I [jokingly] said "You're gay!" The response: "You're a DICKHEAD!" Impossible not to laugh. Impossible to conceal it which apparently reaffirms that it's okay language. Also even sweeter that it had been learned from hearing mummy call daddy one not 5 minutes beforehand.

Actually there's an honourable mention for disrespectful litterbug guy too. We cleaned out some cupboards and came up with a small stack of serving/salad bowls to get rid of. Rather than chuck out I left them on the front lawn with a sign saying 'FREE'... because I'm all about less waste and more renewable at the moment. Annnnyway disrespectful litterbug guy driving by pulls up, gets out, tears off the 'FREE' sign discarding it on our lawn and drives away with the loot. Mate at least take the fucking single sheet of A4 paper and dispose of it like not an animal. Ah people are cunts.

Alright enough talking. Let's do the update. For someone who claims to be struggling you guys will wonder how the fuck I've managed to crank out something quite so exceptional. The answer is its just what I do. *bats eyelids* Check it...


A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou" says the shocked friend "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies "My wife just ran off with my best friend". He then throws back another shot of whiskey in one gulp. "But" says the other man "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs "Not anymore... he is! Bwahaha!"
Pauly came home from school one day, with a note from his teacher: "Pauly has a strong tendency toward myopia [nearsighted]. Please see about it". The next day, Pauly returned to school with a note from his father: "Thank you for bringing this problem to my attention. I have given him a good thrashing, and he won't do it again".
Q. Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony? A. The girl who can eat the last donut.
At my first Weight Watchers meeting, the group leader asked each of us why we wanted to lose weight. When it was her turn, one woman started to sob. "I vowed to lose weight when my husband bought me something too small for me to fit". The leader replied "Oh, that's too bad. Was it a dress?" "No, a Porsche!"
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" He replies "It died today". "Oh that's terrible!" the nurse replied. The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. The same nurse says "I thought it died yesterday". The man replies "It did. Today is the viewing"
The local sheriff pulled up next to the red neck unloading garbage out of his pickup into the ditch. The Sheriff asked "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Can't you see that sign right over your head". "Yep" he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here. The sign says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"
A couple was going to bed when the husband asked the wife to make love. She replied "Oh, I can't. I didn't have time to shower tonight and I feel all dirty". The husband said "Oh, okay". Then he asked "Did you have time to brush your teeth?"
The teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Petey says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Petey, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply try to continue with the lesson... "And how about you, Sarah?" "I think I wanna be Petey's hooker".

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What's PopInhumanity Is A Free Porn Tube Updated With The Best Free And Bizarre Porn Videos Every Day! - Butt TimePhun's Bonus Butts Dump #120 - Taking SelfiesDaddy's Away! So His Little Slut Daughter Will Play... With Her Pussy... On Webcam! - Lost ControlDrunk Girl At Spring Break Gets A Lesson In Losing Self-Control - Would U...?So... That's What They Look Like With Their Clothes Off - Steamy SexDude Plows The Fuck Out Of This Busty Babe Inside Of A Sauna - Loose BoxRiding 10 Inches Like Nothing???? - So StonedPSA: Stoning Is Still One Of The Worst Ways To Die - Black QueenNyomi Banxxx Takes A Massive Cock Outdoors

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel". "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents". "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80". "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars".
An American, a scot and a Greek were walking down the road when they are struck and killed by lightning. They soon reach the pearly gates and plead to be sent back, so St. Peter calls god who agrees they can go back as long as they desist from their favourite things. in a flash they are back on the street. Soon they come to a McDonalds and the American, overcome with temptation, runs in, buys a Big Mac, takes a bite and disappears in a puff of smoke. Suitably chastened the other two walk on when the Scotsman sees a coin in a crack in the pavement. Overcome by temptation he bends down to pick it up and the Greek disappeared.
What do you call a supermodel with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilisation, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife. She replied "You".


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Women may argue this has been written by a hybrid misogynist/sexist/narcissist. Guys will grin, take a sip of beer and nod in silent approval...

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.

3. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it!

4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've cum and cannot be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.

5. PHONE TURN-OFF: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime". Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.

6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "Yeah, swallow my man-custard bitch". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to cum on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

8. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.

9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.

10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway / Marmite Motorway / Vegemite Valley. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. Here is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?

13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon". If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you cum in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask "Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.



DRUNK GIRLS previously: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.

He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"


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A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house. Please let me win the lottery".

Lottery night comes and she does not win.

So Brandi prays again but still she doesn't win. Once again, she prays "God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order".

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself... "Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket!"


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Previously on Orsm: REAL WIVES #2 - REAL WIVES #1 - MORE >>

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21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.

22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.

23. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.

24. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.

25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1): Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.

26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.

27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.

28. TOOTHACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.

29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.

30. TWO-DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's anal region.

31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.

32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.

33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.

34. PERIOD PAIN (1): It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.

35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.

36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to their natural conclusion.

37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.

38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.

39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.

40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn especially involving yourself) or a football match. No chat shows or gardening programmes to be watched. Feel free to forward it to any female you know!

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A little boy and a little girl are playing doctor behind a barn. They are both bear butt naked. The little boy's mom comes around the corner, and catches them. She grabs her son by the arm, and drags him to the house, spanking him the whole way.

When they get back to the house she sits him down, and says to the little boy "Don't be messin' with those little girls vaginas! They got teeth down there, and they'll bit off anything that get near it".

Well the little boy grows up still thinking this. He gets to high school. He falls in love. 17 Years old, and still a virgin.

Now he's 21, and he asks he's girl friend to marry him. Still a virgin.

He's 24, it's he's wedding night, and he's still a virgin. They go on their honey moon, and now they're in bed. Their fooling around. When he gets off he rolls over and turns off the light. His wife says "Just a minute... aren't we going to have sex?" He says "No, my mum done told me about you women! Ya'll got teeth in yall's vaginas!" She says "No I don't, if you don't believe me turn on the light and look!"

So, he turns on the light and she shows him. She says "Well" he says "No wonder you aint got no teeth, look at the shape your gums are in!"



80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance".

So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says "Okay! Okay! Just one more chance - what's 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says "FOUR!?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"


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OLDER SHITE: 4th January - Xmas [Part II] - Xmas [Part I] - 14th December - 7th December - 30th November - MORE >

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Larry goes to church and listens to the preacher.

After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks "Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Larry replies "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing".

The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Larry "Larry, how is your hearing now?" Larry says "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday".




A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa". Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay" says the lawyer "your turn". She asks "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his smartphone, connects to the inflight wi-fi and searches Google, Wikipedia and Orsm... no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails his friends and co-workers, tweets and posts it on Facebook to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks "Well... what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.





Well... umm... ergh...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. It's the done thing.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I pwomise.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will consume over 52,000 calroies in a single day and then take a shit on you. He can and will do it and he won't even care. Why? Because that's what really fat people do. Oh how fat is he? Put it this way - Ray is so fat that his bathroom scale shows his weight as 'LOL'.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and avoid the comedown. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.