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THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
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orsmupdate 2017.09.14-17.55
Boobies

Welcome to now go home and get your fuckin' shinebox!

Two women from the Australian Christian Lobby knocked on our door yesterday. They were going house to house distributing propaganda - a pamphlet listing the ways that legalising gay marriage will change the classroom. The GF is the one who actually answered the door, fobbed them off and came told me about it. I raced out there to shoo them away from the neighbour's houses, telling them that no one in our street was home, everyone is voting yes and to stop spreading hate. Possibly overstepped the mark because no idea how my neighbours feel on the issue but too bad. Annnnyway these bible bashing hags looked at me like I was insane. Just couldn't wrap their heads around why someone would not want them on their doorstep to listen to hear their spiel.

And that's the thing.

It's none of theirs or mine or anyone else's business who someone chooses to marry. It should be that simple. Live and let live. Don't tell people what to do with their lives, just worry about your own shit and get on with your own. And that's why I'm a yes vote.

Alright let's get rolling with the update. Had good fun putting this mofo together. There are so many awesome new vids, 76 to be exact, so many brilliant new galleries and jokes and Shite and god knows what else that you will be busy for hours getting through it all. Sucks to be you huh? Check it...

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A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five-dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully, and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking, he said "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five-dollar tip, and rushed out without paying".
--
A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper said "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The driver looked at the trooper and said "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat?" The trooper said. "Yes". "That's my wife" the driver said to the trooper. "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat?" The trooper said "Yes". "That's my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up!!" The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.
--
A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for peddling dirty pictures. "But you're mistaken" said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty". Selecting one, the policeman said "Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?" The young man responded "Don't be such a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"
--
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models". The old lady then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries? The clerk responds "Yes we do". She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"
--
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
--
A pirate walks into a bar. Oddly enough, he has a ship's wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. He waddles uncomfortably up to the bar and orders a beer. Everyone is staring at him. The bartender serves him his beer, and inquires "Excuse me sir, I can't help but ask. I notice you have a ship's steering wheel stuck in your pants. Isn't that kind of uncomfortable?" The pirate replies: "Arrrh! It's drivin' me nuts!"
--
There were three guys talking at break time. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and says "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow said "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees".
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his cup of coffee, sighed and said "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

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Dirty DaughterDaughter Of The Year? - Wife MaterialBelieve It Or Not, Cornpocket Sodomy Is Her Favourite Pastime. Wowsers - UnexpectedShouldn't Laugh Because Someone Probably Died But I Was Not Expecting That!! - Sideboob ;-)Delilah Hamlin Is In Nyc Fashion Week And I Guess Her Take On Fashion Is Show Them Tits, Which Are Awesome, Youthful Tits By The Way. - Nude SelfiesSelf-Shot Girls Gallery #3 - Sexy SelenaSelena Gomez No Bra In Slightly See Through Black Top - GoT BoobiesGame Of Thrones Boobs Loop! Not Sure What To Make Of This. Its Kind Of Awesome But Kind Of Weird At The Same Time... - But Why?This Isn't What Craigslist Was Invented For - Bull Wins19yo Cowboy Died During A Rodeo Last Thursday In Para, Brazil

Nasty FuckmeatEver Wanted To See The Private Sex Tapes Of California's Most Poorest, Methed-Out Satanic Tweakers? Well Either Way, We've Gone Beyond Scraping The Bottom The Barrel And Brought You The Leakage Underneath. Enjoi! - Anal FacefuckThis Girl Goes Ass To Mouth To Esophagus! - Tasty IndianIndian Babe Is Gonna Walk And Shit Funny For A Week - Good GirlllFucks Her Own Ass In Public Dressing Room??? Awesome! - Ridiculous FacialThe Biggest Load I've Ever Given! - Tits GoddessMila Azul With A Horse! I Don't Know Why They Needed The Horse But She Is Naked. Very Naked. Naked In All The Right Ways. - Slipping OutPoppy Delevinge Nipples In A See Through Dress - Phunny PicsFunny Pictures DCLXXVI

84lb VirginAfter Banging A Good 85% Of The Czech Republic's Population, He Finally Broke Unfamiliar Ground: A Mint Condition Hymen... - Stoner BabesHere Are A Bunch Of Pics Of Tumblr Girls Smoking Weed, Scantily Of Course!! - "Ecosexuals"Yes This Is Real: 'Ecosexuals' Have Sex With Planet Earth - Anal VirginWatching First Time Anal Makes Me Uncomfortable Sometimes - Porn GIFsInsane Sex GIF Madness Wednesday!! - Shoulda PaidYoung Driver Kills Himself Trying To Get Through Toll Booth Without Paying - It HappensThe Real Danger Of Being A Camgirl Haha - Quality GFAmateur Blonde Is A Star While On Vacation With Her Dude - Public NudityThere's 2 Kinds Of Public Nudity...

My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I shit myself?" She replied with a laugh. "No". I said "In case your main chute doesn't open".
--
I was at the doctors the other day, and he said "I've good news and bad news". Me "What's the good news?" Doctor "The good news is they are naming a syndrome after you".
--
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. The assailant says "Give me all your money". The politician says "Do you know who I am? I'm an important government official". The mugger says "Fine, give me all my money".
--
Teacher: Billy, give me a sentence starting with "I". Billy: "I is..." Teacher: "No, Billy. Always say 'I am'" Billy: "All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'".
--
My favourite sex position is the JFK... I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
--
In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because he claims he can get himself off".

ORSM VIDEO


IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her "Hey lady, you are really ugly". Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her "Hey lady, you are really ugly". She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her "Hey lady, you are really ugly".

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her "Hey lady".

She paused and said "Yes?" The bird said "You know".

36 SEXY SNAPCHATS THAT A BRO SOMEWHERE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SHARE...

SEXY SNAPCHATS 05

Previously on Orsm: SEXY SNAPCHATS #4 - SEXY SNAPCHATS #3 - SEXY SNAPCHATS #2 - SEXY SNAPCHATS #1

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

Tut-tut!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help".

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir". "Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied "You're the sixth today!"

ORSM VIDEO


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Gina walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one..."This is for the shame" and then the second one "This is for the glory".

She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one. "This is for the shame" and then the second one "This is for the glory".

She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. "Ma'am, I was just wondering... what's this about shame and glory?"

Well" she replies "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind".

"That must be the shame" the bartender said. "No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got knotted together and he dragged me around the front yard for forty minutes".

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT REALLY A LEG GUY BUT THAT'S ALL ABOUT TO CHANGE...

THOSE LEGS

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ORSM VIDEO

SOME THOUGHTS ON GETTING OLDER

-I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

-Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? My sense of decency.

-I consider 'on trend' to be the clothes that still fit.

-Pulling n 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

-Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

-I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

-The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

-My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

-When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

-The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it".

-Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

-Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

-These days "on time" is when I get there.

-I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

-'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

-Even duct tape can't fix stupid. but it sure does muffle the sound.

-You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

-Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

-One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.


-You're more likely to get cautioned by the doctor instead of by the police.

-Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

-One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

-'Getting lucky' means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

-I've travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

-When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

-Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me - I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

- Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

-I thought growing old would take longer.

-Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

-I still haven't learned to act my age.

-You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

-I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A blonde went into a worldwide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?" "Yes, anything!" the blonde promised.

With that, the man told her to follow him. He walked into the next room and ordered "Come in and close the door".

She did.

He then said "Get on your knees".

She did.

Then he said "Take down my zipper".

She did.

He said "Go ahead... take it out".

She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead!" The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO? MUM? Can you hear me??"

NOT EVERYONE WHO COMES BY BOAT IS UNWANTED

FINALLY A REASON TO LIKE BOAT PEOPLE 05

Previously on Orsm: BOAT BABES #4 - BOAT BABES #3 - BOAT BABES #2 - BOAT BABES #1

Two rednecks were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models.

One says to the other "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?" The second one replies "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

The first one says, with wide eyes "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one". The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one, too".

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from that catalogue?" The second redneck replies "Naw, but it shouldn't be long now. They sent all her clothes yesterday".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2017 09 14

OLDER SHITE: 7th September - 31st August - 24th August - 17th August - 10th August - 3rd August - MORE >

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!"

BODY PAINT... INSTEAD OF CLOTHES... NOW THAT'S A GOOD IDEA...

BODY PAINTED 03

Previously on Orsm: BODY PAINTED #2 - BODY PAINTED #1

A wife was sitting peacefully in her cosy armchair sewing her husband's socks.

Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering "HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don't want to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don't look up when YOUR'E SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.

The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I've sewn socks before?!"

"EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT" hollered the husband "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?"

NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE [HINT: SHE HAS A PRETTY VAGINA AND BOOBS TOO]

JOSIE 03

Previously on Orsm: ISABEL - JOY - AURELIA - DULCIE - LEANNA - ASHLEY - OLYMPIA - ALLY - TRINITY - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO


Well... I thoroughly enjoyed puttng this update together.

In other news, next weeks update is already massive. Like way, way bigger than this one. I know this because I'm taking a few days off and have been working on it for ages. Long story short - don't bloody miss it!

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Officially 17 years of updates preserved for your viewing [read: masturbational] pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Can I tell you again?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will sit on your favourite chair and break it. Why? Because Ray's a mean cunt. Also Ray is so fat that his kidney stones are the size of baseballs.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and LMD. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 

 

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