Welcome to the healing power of laughter.
You know what would be great? If people couldn't get colds in SUMMER. Even better would be people not sending their kiddies off to daycare when they're sick. If there's bugs floating around our house, its almost 100% that daycare is the culprit. Happens so often that when you realise your own child is coming down with something, you send them there anyway. Why? Because that's what every other asshole does. You just tell the staff that your kid has been completely fine and they don't make you take them home. It's self-perpetuating. I would actually wager if we shut all schools, kindies, daycares, playgrounds etc for a month, all disease would be wiped out. Its logic, bitch!
To make matters slightly more annoying its that this part of the world copped a heatwave. Hottest something something since before dinosaurs all turned gay and died of aids. Temps nudged 43°C (109°F) and to be honest, its kind of fucked being congested with runny nose and sore throat whilst that's going on. But hey... at least I'm not black. (Kidding! Settle down).
Anyway all this has left me feeling rundown and eager to shave a few hours off my Thursday so I'll dispense with the cutting social commentary you guys come here to read and slip straight into a bunch of jokes. Yep I know... I'm sorry too. Check it...
A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!" So... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming "It's your deer lady. It's your deer... just lemme get my saddle off it!!"
A couple were roaring down the road on a Honda motorcycle when the guy pulled over because his leather jacket had a broken zip. He told his girlfriend, "I can't keep driving any more, the air hitting me in the chest is unbearable." His girlfriend said, "Try putting your jacket on back to front." The boyfriend quickly made the change and they continued roaring down the road until the next bend! The boyfriend was going far too fast, lost control and the couple were both flung into a ditch. A passing motorist stopped, rushed over to help, then ran to call the police. The police telephone operator asked, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the motorist explained, "the girl seems okay and her boyfriend was moving until I turned his head around the right way!"
The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator. The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?" "No, sir," replies the newbie. "I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his co-pilot. The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table. What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain. Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August" he said "and left me $25,000". "Gee, that's tough" he replied. "Then in September" the friend continued "My father died, leaving me $90,000". "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed". "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000". "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad". "Then this month" continued, the friend "absolutely nothing!"
Two junkies are sitting by the side of the road, happily shooting up and generally having a good time. A socially conscious individual walks up and notices that they are sharing a needle. He lectures them about AIDS and the danger that comes from sharing dirty needles. One of the junkies looks up and says, "It's ok, we're wearing condoms."
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat she says, "Well, that's great... that's just great... some asshole's got my pen!"
"Ron and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Laura. "How'd you do that?" asked Keli. "Well," said Laura, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex?'" "Yeah," says Keli. Laura replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
One day on a busy street corner a huge man walks up to a police officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee thid, and thacramento ith?" The police officer didn't reply at all. The large man then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the frustrated man walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, "Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
Super FanBroncos Fan Spends $30,000 To Go To Super Bowl, Hopes Wife Doesn't Find Out - Explain This??Does This Ancient Greek Sculpture Show A Woman Using A Laptop And So Prove Time Travel? - Fuck. Srsly?To Lose Weight, Is It Best To Fix Your Diet Or Exercise More? Here's The Answer! - Tough VaginaIntimacy Coach Kim Anami Weightlifts Objects Like Donuts And Surfboards With Her Vagina - God Tier HottieVikki's Hot Little Bod Has Finally Got Her Into The Kind Of Trouble She Will Have To Fuck Her Way Out Of. And That She Does. This Fuck Session Is Awesome In Every Way And One That Her Creamed Pussy Won't Soon Forget. - Was WarnedThese Drunks Are Lucky Aussie Cops Don't Carry Tasers - Don't LaughLaughing Men Remove A Frozen Stiff Corpse From Their Truck And Drop Him. Is This A Leaked Scene From Weekend At Bernie's 2? - Instant KarmaBMW Driver Experiences Swift Case Of Instant Justice After Road Ragin
Porn WTF'sTwice As Many As Five Porn Scenes That Leave You With More Questions Than Answers And More Confusion Than Boners - Aussie HoAustralian Sex Worker Photshoot By Karl Clifford - Fuck This!Old Man Breaks TV Over Super Bowl Football - Huge BoobsAshley James Huge Boobs In See Through Little Black Dress - OutstandingThe Pure Awesomeness Of Busty Models In Spandex For UK Shopping Channel! - Blonde TeenThis Classy Little Teen Slut Puts On A Hell Of A For The Camera - Oh Shit!Nitro Circus Stunt With People From The Audience Doesn't End Well For Them - Talent Or..?This Guy Creates The Whole New Level Of Hip Hop And It Is Dope As Hell - Psycho PigTrigger Happy Maryland Police Officer Pulls Out His Gun On A Black Man Delivering Pizza - Drunk SexWhat He Did Really Good Is Picking Up The Right Girl That Night, She Is Drunk Willing To Fuck. So What Went Wrong? Simple, He Should Have Left Alone Her Asshole.
DegenerateGood Quality Vid Of Gg Allin On Stage In NYC Being Disgusting - Epic CringeStand Up Comic Proposes On Stage And Gets Rejected - Medieval OrgyA Medieval Orgy Of Epic Proportions - Good GF :-)Dude Wakes Up His Girlfriend Just So He Can Bust On Her Face - Batshit CrazyBat Shit Crazy Girl Beats Dude - Hef Is Dead5 Reasons Not To Buy Playboy's Non Nude Issue - ALLLL OutPascal Craymer Wearing A Skimpy Dress And NO Underwear While Out Partying! She's Flashing The Dirty Trio Of Boobs, Butt And Pussy In These One So All In All I'm Calling This Night A Successful One. - Nip SlipSteph Davis Nip Slip On Her Night Out On The Town - Croc Fiiight!Alligators Don't Really Have Any Loyalty And Will Fight Each Other Over Food Or Even To Eat One Another As Food.
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
A wife was curious when she found an old negative in a drawer and had it made into a print. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photo, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!"
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat" I thought to myself.
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's. He didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager. He didn't. I drank it. I thought that maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realised he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.
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HERE'S A CRAPLOAD OF SURPRISINGLY FASCINATING MUSIC TRIVIA
-Metallica's Cliff Burton and Kirk Hammett drew cards to decide who would get to choose a bunk on their tour bus in 1986. Burton drew the Ace of Spades, chose the bunk Hammett had been occupying, and was thrown out of the window when the bus crashed. He died at the scene.
-John Lennon's eyesight was so poor that he was legally blind without his glasses.
-George Lucas allowed the band members of 'N Sync to make a cameo appearance in Attack of the Clones in order to appease his daughters. The footage was later cut out of the final version of the film.
-Noel Gallagher, Gary Moore and Mark Knopfler write left-handed but play guitar as if right-handers. Coldplay's Chris Martin plays guitar and draws right-handed, but he writes left-handed. And the world's most-famous 'left-handed' player, Jimi Hendrix, wrote with his right hand.
-The band D12 planned to find the 12 best rappers of Detroit, but found only 6, so they created alter-egos in order to have 12. That was when Eminem came up with Slim Shady.
-Kiss's Gene Simmons can speak Hungarian.
-There is a metal band called Hatebeak whose lead singer is an African grey parrot.
-Queen's multi-millionaire drummer Roger Taylor was once spotted in Guildford's Sainsbury's supermarket filling out a National Lottery ticket.
-Dave Grohl has been the drummer on every Tenacious D album and is considered a member of the band.
-The surname of the late Robert Moog, inventor of the legendary Moog Synthesiser, is actually pronounced 'Mogue' (rhyming with 'rogue'). But everyone has said 'Moog' for so long, no-one bothers to correct it anymore.
-American Rock Band 'The Postal Service' was sent a cease and desist letter by the United States Postal Service for trademark infringement of their name. After negotiations, the USPS allowed the band to use their name in exchange for playing a free show at their national conference.
-Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich is a keen modern art collector. In 2008 he auctioned his "last Basquiat" for $13.5 million.
-When the girl featured on the front cover of Vampire Weekend's 'Contra' album artwork found out about the illegal use of her 26-year-old photo, she sued the band. She found out when her daughter brought home a copy of the album one day.
-Slash was born in Hampstead, London. Not Stoke, England, as is usually reported.
-There is a Swedish Speed Metal band called "Sabaton" that teaches history through its music, including an album devoted to teaching about World War 2.
-The 'Reverend Run', of Run-DMC, is a real ordained minister, with New York Pentecostal church Zoe Ministries. Leonard Cohen, writer of Hallelujah, is an ordained Rinzai Buddhist monk.
-There was a female Rock Band name 'Rockbitch' which was famous for throwing 'Golden Condoms' at their audience and whoever got it, male or female, was taken backstage to have sex with band members.
-U2 aren't really all Irish. Adam Clayton was born in Oxfordshire, England, to English parents. The Edge (David Evans) was born in Barking, east London, to Welsh parents.
-In 2002, the band Creed put on such a bad show at the Allstate Arena in Illinois that a $2,000,000 class action lawsuit was filed on behalf of all of the fans in attendance.
-The world's official fastest rapper is Ricky Brown. He holds the Guinness World Record by rapping 723 syllables in 41.27 seconds on his track No Clue.
-Jónsi, the lead singer in Sigur Rós, once forgot the lyrics while performing with the band in France. He improvised and kept on singing in Icelandic "Oh shit, I forgot the lyrics, but that's okay because I'm in France where no one understands me".
-Public Image Limited bassist Jah Wobble (John Wardle) worked for a while, post-PiL, for the London Underground. He allegedly once made an announcement over the PA system at London's Tower Hill underground station: "I used to be somebody. I repeat, I used to be somebody".
-Sebastian Bach was fired from Skid Row because he wanted to open for KISS and the band refused. After he was canned he left the band a voicemail saying that nobody is ever too big to open for KISS.
-The 15 May 1997 was declared official 'ZZ Top Day' in the band's home-state of Texas.
-Paramore broke "The Nashville Curse" by being the first band from the Tennessee city to have an album go platinum in 20 years.
-Veteran gangsta rapper Ice-T's birth name is Tracy Lauren Marrow. How is he not a girl?
-Before Guns N'Roses, Slash once auditioned for the band Poison, he decided not to join when he was asked about wearing makeup.
-Brian Eno partly-produced Dido's new album, Safe Trip Home. Which makes for a full-name collaboration between Brian Peter George St John Le Baptiste de la Salle Eno and Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong.
-Beatles wrote into their contracts for American concerts that they would not play in front of segregated audiences.
-When Billy Crystal was a child, his babysitter was the legendary Billie Holiday.
-Crooner Engelbert Humperdinck was born Arnold George Dorsey. He borrowed his stage name from a German composer who died in 1921.
-When John Lennon was asked if Ringo Starr was the best drummer in the world he replied "In the world? He's not even the best drummer in The Beatles!"
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so". "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself". "Then let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life". "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know!"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks" then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that bloody nun again is it?"
It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the auditorium, and picked up their blue-books for the test. This particular class had been in avian biology and identification. The professor was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in the grade.
Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a number.
The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die down, and them addressed the class. "Today's final will count, as you know, for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table before you. Write the number, and the latin and common name of the creature associated with it, on your paper. When you have completed the identifications, you may leave. Begin". With that he sat down.
One of the students, a few rows back from the front gestured for the profs attention, and asked a question "Uh, professor, are you going to remove the sacks so we can see the birds?""No... If you've been following the lectures through the term, you should be able to identify each of them by its feet alone. You should have realised the areas that I was stressing, in class and in the reading assignments".
The student, becoming a little alarmed "You mean, you expect us to be able to know one of these from the others just by its feet. That's unreasonable". "I'm sorry you're dismayed by this test. Perhaps if you'll begin it'll go better than you expect, and then the others can begin also".
"No, this is absurd. I'm not going to take this test. This is outrageous. I'm leaving". And the student begins to gather up his pencils, and day-pack. "If you're leaving, tell me your name, so I can mark you off in my book now, please".
The irate student, holding up his feet so the prof can see them, replies "YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"
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HERE'S A CRAPLOAD OF SURPRISINGLY FASCINATING MUSIC TRIVIA (CONTINUED)
-Rolling Stones drummer, Charlie Watts, was sleeping one day, when Mick Jagger phoned drunk to Watts' hotel room asking where was his drummer. Watts got up, suited-up, went to Jagger's room, punched him, and then replied: "Don't ever call me your drummer again. You're my fucking singer!".
-The original Village People line-up was recruited via an advert that read "Macho types wanted: must have moustache".
-Metallica wrote the song "The God That Failed" because Hetfield's mother died due to Christian beliefs influencing her decision to reject cancer treatment.
-Blur's Graham Coxon models for Cordings, an upmarket London gentleman's tailor, part-owned by Eric Clapton.
-The US military would play Enter Sandman for hours on end to aid in the interrogation and torture of prisoners. When asked about this, Metallica's James Hetfield responded "We've been punishing our parents, our wives, our loved ones with this music forever. Why should the Iraqi's be any different?"
-Before Pearl Jam, Eddie Vedder was the singer in Bad Radio, a progressive funk rock band heavily influenced by early Red Hot Chili Peppers.
-Until 2006, U2 paid no tax in Ireland due to an exemption for artists. When the exemption was capped at $315,000, the band moved its accounts to the Netherlands, rather than face a multi-million dollar tax bill for album sales and royalties.
-Over the years, Pete Best, Stuart Sutcliffe, Brian Epstein, George Martin, George Best and Billy Preston have all been referred to as The Fifth Beatle.
-Kirk Hammett encouraged Les Claypool to audition for Metallica after Cliff Burton died. After not getting the job, James Hetfield said it was because Claypool was "too good" and "should do his own thing".
-Meat Loaf supports English football team Hartlepool United.
-House of the rising sun by The Animals was recorded with only 15 minutes because the band was on a tight budget. In spite of that the song went all the way to number one in 1964.
-Disney originally wanted ABBA to do the music for The Lion King, but ABBA wasn't available, so they went with Elton John.
-Neptunes producer Pharrell Williams is huge fan of the science fiction series Star Trek. Hence his consistent use of the Vulcan salute to signify his label name, Star Trak.
-In 2000, ABBA turned down $1 billion to do a 100 concert reunion tour.
-Elvis Presley weighed 170 lbs following his discharge from the US Army in 1960. When he died, in 1977, he weighed 260 lbs.
-Marilyn Monroe got a white poodle named Mafia from Frank Sinatra.
-Before ABBA made it big, they promised to hold a concert for their municipality in exchange for being allowed to rehearse in the cafeteria of a local school. They are still yet to fulfil their promise.
-Andy White, the drummer who played on the definitive version of The Beatles' Love Me Do, never earned more than his original session fee of £7 from the track.
-ABBA's costumes originally were colourful and elaborate specifically to get around Swedish tax law. If the costumes couldn't be worn outside a performance, they could be considered tax deductible.
-Legendary guitarist Steve Vai is an expert beekeeper and occasionally lectures schoolchildren on the joys of apiary.
-Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd members helped to fund the making of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
-Since their inception, Guns N' Roses have had 21 full-time band members.
-Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin had an improvised jam session which was recorded but never released.
-In his youth, Red Hot Chili Peppers front man Anthony Kiedis's babysitters included Cher and Sonny Bono.
-Led Zeppelin let Ben Affleck use "When the Levee Breaks" in Argo with the condition that they digitally alter the player's needle drop to correct spot on the record.
-Acclaimed UK cook and author Delia Smith baked the cake on the cover of The Rolling Stones' 1969 masterpiece Let It Bleed.
-The airplane that Buddy Holly died in was called American Pie. Don McLean wrote a song with the same name about the accident.
-Elvis favourite collectibles were official badges. He collected police badges in almost every city he performed in.
-Flowers In The Rain by The Move was the first record ever played on BBC Radio 1 in the UK.
-Elvis was an avid gun collector. His collection of 40 weapons included M-16s and a Thompson submachine gun.
-The built-in MIDI ports on the Atari ST were only included because they were suggested by Atari boss Jack Tramiel's son when the computer was being designed.
-Duran Duran took their name from a mad scientists in the movie Barbarella.
-Jay-Z hasn't written any of his lyrics down for more than a decade.
-Themes from movies Unforgiven, A Perfect World, The Bridges of Madison County, and Absolute Power were all written by Clint Eastwood.
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The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the night-time activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General". After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end".
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you". and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
THE OFFICIAL LIST OF TYPES OF PUSSY FOUND THROUGHOUT THE LAND
1. EXPENSIVE PUSSY: Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive pussy can be recognised by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright coloured shorts, and shirts with Greek letters on them. 98% of the pussy found on the USC campus falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of bank account depletion. Often not worth it.
2. CHEAP PUSSY: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap pussy can be recognised by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.
3. HIRED PUSSY: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognised by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired pussy and Expensive pussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive pussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.
4. VIRGIN PUSSY: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognised by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually using birth control which can cause "accidents" can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.
5. NYMPHO PUSSY: Very rare. Recognised by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion. Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.
6. FRIGID PUSSY: Less rare. See Virgin pussy for recognition. Difference is that this pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).
Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognised. Never worth it.
7. INNOCENT NYMPHO PUSSY: Rare. Recognised by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for Virgin pussy. Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.
8. PARTY PUSSY: Found at bars and at parties. Recognised by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.
9. NUTSY PUSSY: Support System has psychological problems. Recognised by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.
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Grandma and grandpa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's hungry for some ice cream.
"Hey, grandma - I'm gonna head to the kitchen and get myself a dish of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?" "Sure, grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget". replies grandma.
"I will not!" retorts grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that, too". "Okay" says grandma "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're gonna forget..."
Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes, accompanied by a cacophonous banging of pots and pans. Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs.
"See there, grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides grandma. "Whaddya mean, 'forget'? What did I forget?" demands grandpa. "You fool" says grandma. "You forgot my bacon!"
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes".
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it".
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realises that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says "That will be $25.50". She says "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"He says "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I don't keep saying it for no reason.
-Next update will be next Thursday from a different timezone so probably a few hours earlier.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will tie your up and tickle torture you for hours and hours.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and get over yourself. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.