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WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN... AND THAT'S TOTALLY COOL BECAUSE YOU WON'T WANT TO UNSEE THIS! HERE'S WHY
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orsmupdate 2014.04.10-19.29
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Welcome to Orsm.potato.

Interesting week, at least for me. Not really sure about you guys so won't blog about that. Shit has moved into an overdrive, overdrive. My work week is more of a 7 day and 4 night proposition at the moment and there is not a single thing I can do about it - too many things to too many people, too many commitments, too many things coming to fruition, too much not enough other contribution by others. Honestly it's a miracle that this update made it out on time. Can only put it down to some good planning and the ability to sit at the computer for up to 18 hours a day.

Last Friday is where it all began to go batshit. Almost made it out the door to do some long, loooong overdue exercise when the phone rang and it was go time. First stop was the house followed by an hour drive due north to a timber mill. These guys cut and machine all their own stuff so it costs way less than what you'd pay anywhere local. Ideal for achieving a 'bespoke' look without blowing the budget plus as an ex-carpenter it was cool to see where it all comes from and how they do it.

Next was half hour inland to the salvage yard I found a few weeks ago. Found what we wanted, formulated a plan for "later" and headed homeward. My next trick was to find lights. You know lights? Sometimes referred to as light fittings or lighting and are those things that go in the ceiling and provide... light. Well turns out there are kabillions of different options and no matter how many hours you've spent over the last 18 months researching everywhere from eBay to Alibaba to all the shitty stores around town, you are never any closer to getting what you want. WHY? Because anything that looks decent [ie. isn't fucking ugly] costs a fortune and anything that doesn't cost a fortune probably isn't approved or use in Australia meaning no electrician will install them. This in mind, you can imagine my joy at finding a wholesaler prepared to sell to us located less than 5 minutes away. Always the last place you look...

What was left of Friday went into this update and the next couple after it.

Saturday morning. Load the car with tools, head straight over to the house, then walk to the nearby polling place only to find a few-hundred-person-long line waiting to vote. Oh look there's one of our neighbours... stop, say hello, then decide to go do exercise in the hope it would reduce. And that it did - half an hour later the line was completely gone and the only people around were a few people handing out how to vote Labor cards, a few people handing out how to vote Liberal cards and a few fuckwits handing out how to vote Green cards.

Get back to the house ready to work aaaand here comes some neighbours we've never spoken to before who corner and smalltalk the bejesus out of us. Finally make an excuse to leave, go get a coffee and return. Aaaand here comes another neighbourino. This conversation, whilst admittedly more stimulating, left about 10 minutes of actual work time ahead of getting back on the road and to a friends daughters first birthday party. Most of the time these are must attend events because of the relationship with the parents. The fact the birthday girl or boy doesn't make an appearance due to being asleep doesn't seem to bother anyone. So why go? Because party food you feel to guilty to eat any other time is why. Nom.

Made it back to the house early afternoon aaaaand here comes one of the neighbours I spoke to earlier. Surely this has to be a joke. Its half an hour later, we get done talking and I need to get some of my tools... tools that are -of course- stashed in another neighbours back shed. "Hi mate" "Hi... hey while you're here...". Barely managed to get an hour of anything done before it all got too hard so home it was, showered and parked it in front of the compooter for a couple ahead of the footy. Managed to score a friends tickets for whatever reason so invited a mate along. Even though it was a pretty average game full of fucking terrible umpiring, we won and at very least it was good to go along and hang out. A particularly eye opening experience happened in the gents though - some guy taking a piss at the urinal, finishes, shakes off, reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone, drops a $1 coin which falls to and rolls along possibly the dirtiest floor in the city, its stopped, picked up by a kid and returned to the guy who puts it back in his pocket. Believe me when I say that even if that was a $100 coin there's no way it would be going back in my pocket. Moral of the story: where has your money been?

I was incredibly motivated to get the fuck out of the bed Sunday following a pregnancy fuelled hormonal breakdown. Made a beeline for the house and began a sweaty 6 hour intensive clean-up of the site and inside both houses. By the end everything was finally starting to look presentable... just in time for the ceiling fixers to trash it the next day. The good news is that lock-up is imminent and there's still a glimmer of hope we might actually be in before the baby pops out. Let's not hold our breaths though because its more likely you'll die...

Just when the week had a chance of being some form of holy-fucking-shit-please-leave-me-alone, the phone started ringing bright and early. Need me to drop what I'm doing and meet the cabinetmaker to discuss drawings? I'm on it! 90 minutes later... need me to take your car, go hire a long trailer, drive out to the salvage yard again, select a steel beam, walk around for 2 hours trying to find someone to operate the crane, transport it back through peak hour traffic to the steel guy who had gone home for the day, return the trailer, meet to swap cars, and don't get back to work until 6pm? I'm on it...!! And that is how things've gone all week and probably will for the foreseeable future. Keep telling myself "It will all be worth it". It would want to be.

Alright let's move on to bigger and better things than 11 paragraphs of first world problems from some cunty fuck you don't know, don't care about and whose ranting has caused you to have to scroll an excessive amount to access the free porn and entertainment. FYI the word "ceiling" was used 3 times and "to" 66 times. Check it...

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The Actual Fuck? - Spoiler Alert - Chug Milk - Devastated - She Giggly - Kates Middle - Epic Tits - Tasty Teen - LOL LOL!

Hawt Nerd - Scuba Poop - Resisting - Slam'her - Skinny Sex - Pranked - Marry Her! - Nasty Slut - Bubble Porn - Nuked

Inhumanity - Nip Slip - Double Vaj - How Deep? - Gran NO!! - Fingerbang - Best Ever - Analicious - Branding - Tits Out

I had three large tins of alphabetti soup yesterday and have just had the largest vowel movement ever.
--
The idiots searching for this missing Malaysian Airlines plane in the Indian Ocean have no idea. If I was looking for a pinging Black Box first place I would go would be to an African rave.
--
I listened to the news today: "More Pings in the Indian Ocean"... and I thought, "What now? Another Chinese ship?"
--
A man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opened the washing machine then stopped, thinking for a minute. He shouted to his missus "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends" she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back "Manchester United".
--
I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him..?
--
After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Sam remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth three times, flossed twice times and on top of that, gargled Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked on two strong mints. His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed, Sam opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough and said "Sam, did you have 69 before you came here...?" "Errr... why?" asked Sam "Does my breath smell like pussy?" "No" The dentist replied "Your forehead smells like shit!"

ORSM VIDEO


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GOT SARCASM & WIT?

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar". --Drew Carey
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure". --Clarence Darrow
"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?" --Charles Pierce
"You have delighted us long enough". --Jane Austen
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about". --Winston Churchill
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary". --William Faulkner
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" --Ernest Hemingway
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know". --Abraham Lincoln
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator". --Irvin S Cobb
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him". --Forrest Tucker
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music". --Billy Wilder
"The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterised by the fact that the man didn't have to watch". --Dave Barry
"It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them". --Caron de Beaumarchais
"Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others". --Ambrose Bierce
"Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage". --Ambrose Bierce
"Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them". --Samuel Butler
"Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black". --Paul Newman
"It's a catastrophic success". --Stephen Bishop
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here". --Stephen Bishop
"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives". --Abba Eban
"No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend". --Groucho Marx
"How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them". --Groucho Marx
"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five". --Groucho Marx
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!" --Groucho Marx
"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you". --Groucho Marx
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce". --Groucho Marx
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception". --Groucho Marx
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it". --Groucho Marx
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up". --Groucho Marx
"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced". --Frank Zappa
"The 100% American is 99% idiot". --George Bernard Shaw
"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech". --George Bernard Shaw
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends". --Oscar Wilde
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go". --Oscar Wilde
"I am not young enough to know everything". --Oscar Wilde
"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship". --Oscar Wilde
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't". --Victor Borge
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it". --Mark Twain
"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat". --Mark Twain
"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it". --Mark Twain
"Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children". --Mark Twain
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself". --Mark Twain
"I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable". --Mark Twain
"I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?" --Jean Cocteau
"The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights". --J Paul Getty
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other". --Eric Hoffer
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else". --Kin Hubbard
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome". --Oscar Levant
"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it". --Montaigne
"The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat". --Ogden Nash
"I wish we were better strangers". --Unknown
"I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you". --Unknown
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal". --Woody Allen
"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on". --Woody Allen
"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves". --Ludwig Wittgenstein
"Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions". --Frank Lloyd Wright
"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time". --Vince Lombardi
"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are". --Gore Vidal
"When ideas fail, words come in very handy". --Goethe
"Stay with me; I want to be alone" --Joey Adams
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory". --Steven Wright
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand". --Kurt Vonnegut
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me". --Emo Philips
"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say". --Will Durant
"It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor" --John Cleese
"Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice". --Unknown
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years". --Mark Twain
"I'm not so good with the advice... can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" --Chandler Bing
"That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too". --Homer Simpson
"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me". --John Cleese
"What have you been reading, the Gospel According to St. Bastard?" --Eddie Izzard
"Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason". --Seinfeld
"If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed". --Mark Twain
"I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't". --Jules Renard
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe". --Carl Sagan
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity". --Unknown
"100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?" --Unknown
"For your information, I would like to ask a question". --Samuel Goldwyn
"The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife". --David Ogilvy
"Don't be humble. You're not that great". --Golda Meir

FRUIT 'N VEG SEX TOYS FOR THE HEALTH CONSCIOUS

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SARCASM & WIT [continued]

"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire". --George Carlin
"I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!" --Ashleigh Brilliant
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually". --Abba Eban
"His ignorance is encyclopedic" --Abba Eban
"Better never than late". --George Bernard Shaw
"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence". --George Bernard Shaw
"It's easier to replace a dead man than a good picture". --George Bernard Shaw
"Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability". --George Bernard Shaw
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place". --George Bernard Shaw
"Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!" --George Bernard Shaw
"A true friend stabs you in the front". --Oscar Wilde
"I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability". --Oscar Wilde
"One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry". --Oscar Wilde
"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast". --Oscar Wilde
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness". --Oscar Wilde
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" --Oscar Wilde
"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer". --Victor Borge
"Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often". --Mark Twain
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint". --Mark Twain
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt". --Mark Twain
"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable". --Mark Twain
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please". --Mark Twain
"I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough". --Mark Twain
"I never let schooling interfere with my education". --Mark Twain
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow". --Mark Twain
"Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about". --Mark Twain
"We have the best government that money can buy". --Mark Twain
"Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?" --Clarence Darrow
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it". --Clarence Darrow
"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother". --Charles Pierce
"I am easily satisfied with the very best". --Winston Churchill
"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly". --Winston Churchill
"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name". --Steven Wright
"A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking". --Steven Wright
"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper". --Mark Twain
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid". --Hedy Lamarr
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect". --Steven Wright
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm" --Steven Wright
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing". --Robert Benchley
"Electricity is really just organized lightning". --George Carlin
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them". --P J O'Rourke
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please". --Mark Twain
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company". --Mark Twain
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific". --Lily Tomlin
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying". --Woody Allen
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her". --Rodney Dangerfield
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good". --Steven Wright
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me". --Fred Allen
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury". --Groucho Marx
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them". --Mitch Hedberg
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is". --Ellen DeGeneres
"My mechanic told me "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder"." --Steven Wright
"The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese". --Steven Wright
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about". --Oscar Wilde
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up". --Steven Wright
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark". --George Carlin
"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?" --Fred Allen
"If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!" --Eddie Izzard
"You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a fucking H in it!" --Eddie Izzard
"The National Rifle Association says 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps". --Eddie Izzard
"She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong". --Mae West

ORSM VIDEO


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A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child's healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet" they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for...

"It doesn't really matter" they say "so long as he fits in the cannon".

THE HOLY GRAIL OF SPORT... CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IT IS?

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ORSM VIDEO

A woman comes home and tells her husband "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone". "No more headaches?" the husband asks "What happened?"

His wife replies "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not Have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache'... and it worked! The headaches are all gone!"

The husband replies "Well, that is wonderful". His wife then says "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says "Don't move, I'll be right back".

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says "Don't move, I'll be right back!" With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom she sees him standing at the mirror saying "She's not my wife... she's not my wife... she's not my wife"...

INK... ITS A PRIVILEGE NOT A RIGHT

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Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy "I. w.a.s. a.l.m.o.s.t. m.a.r.r.i.e.d".

The first guy says in amazement "Hey, you don't stutter any more".

The answer comes "Y.e.s, I w.e.n.t t.o a d.o.c.t.o.r. a.n.d. h.e. t.o.l.d. m.e. t.h.a.t. i.f. I. s.p.e.a.k. s.l.o.w.l.y. I w.i.l.l. n.o.t. s.t.u.t.t.e.r".

The first friend congratulates him and asks again about how he was almost married.

"W.e.l.l, m.y. f.i.a.n.c.e.e. a.n.d. I. w.e.r.e. s.i.t.t.i.n.g. o.n. h.e.r. p.o.r.c.h. a .n.d. t.h.e. d.o.g. w.a.s. s.c.r.a.t.c.h.i.n.g. h.i.s. b.a.c.k. a.n.d. I. t.o.l.d. h.e.r. t.h.a.t. w.h.e.n. w.e. a.r.e. m.a.r.r.I.e.d, s.h.e. c.o.u.l.d. d.o. t.h.a.t. f.o.r. m.e. a.n.d. s.h.e. t.h.r.e.w. t.h.e. r.i.n.g. i.n. m.y. f.a.c.e".

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W.e.l.l, I. s.p.e.a.k. s.o. s.l.o.w.l.y, t.h.a.t. b.y. t.h.e. t.i.m.e. s.h.e. l.o.o.k.e.d. a.t. t.h.e. d.o.g, h.e. w.a.s. l.i.c.k.i.n.g. h.i.s. n.u.t.s"...

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ORSM VIDEO

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Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face".

"Okay, Johnny" the teacher said, trying to help "the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep".

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice. Johnny explained "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then dad said 'I'm coming', and mum said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face".

SHE ALWAYS WANTS ONE... GREAT FOR THE SKIN APPARENTLY...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue".

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. "I haven't a clue" said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here".

"And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine".

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Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

PAULINA JAMES COPS SOME CAWK

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. I am past sixty-five.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 90?" He asked "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"Oh no" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't" I said.

He asked "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No" I said... he looked at me and said "Then, why do you even give a shit?"

ORSM VIDEO


So umm... that happened. And that can only mean...

-Check out the site archives. Its the only guaranteed way to avoid a punch in the face.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Aka Easter Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will smear his own shit on all the external and internal door handles of your house meaning that if you're out you will struggle to get in and if your in you will struggle to get out... unless you like touching other peoples shit of course.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be shy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 

 

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