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April 2008...
 
orsmupdate 2008.04.24-23.18

Welcome to Orsm.net. For fear that we forget.

I wasn't feeling it last week and that update was next to fucking impossible to squeeze out. Kind of like chronic constipation and only being able to put down a little nugget after pushing hard for three days. Much better this week though... like chowing down on a lentil and cabbage soup and uncontrollably shitting yourself but in a good way...

So yeah... I had a good weekend, took a trip out to the hills Saturday, relaxed and watched the footy Sunday and followed it up with a productive week. Oh and I'm abso-fucking-lutely chuffed that the long weekend is finally here. Tomorrow is ANZAC Day which marks the landing of Aussie and Kiwi troops in Gallipoli during WW1. People flock to memorials for dawn services around the country and other parts of the world to pay their respects and even though I wouldn't mind going there's not much chance of me waking up early enough following update day. Maybe next year...

On the top of my 'things I couldn't care less about if I tried' list this week is the Olympic 'flame' arriving in Australia. Seriously - BIG FUCKING DEAL. The blanket media coverage as the flame has travelled around the world is nothing short of shameful too. And now that it's splashed down here in Oz what do we get? Live televised coverage! Wooo! You could just about hear phones ringing off the hook around the country this morning "Boss, I'm going to be in late today sorry... REALLY want to see the flame get paddled across a murky river by some kayakers". Uhuh.

All this beckons the question: is there nothing else happening in the world newsworthy enough to bump the flame off the news or do people really want to see a bunch of demi-celebrities they've never heard of jog 250 metre increments with an oversized cigarette lighter?

And before anyone says it - no I don't have to watch. The only reason I actually did was because I hadn't quite managed to wake up properly. Mark my words in four years time I won't make the same mistake.

That aside it's just one more thing ruined by protestors... not unlike the cricket series in Australia over summer which became embroiled in a racism scandal. Not sure about anyone else but that pissed me off so much just I lost interest and stopped watching. Everything got blown up and focus got taken away from what was really important and in that case - the game.

The protestors have it all wrong anyway. If they were trying to force governments to spend millions in extra security, piss people off and get arrested then congrats - mission accomplished. To be honest I have no idea what they're protesting except its something to do with human rights in China...? Sorry dudes - fail. I don't doubt that shit goes on but if you want me to care you need to show me what's happening.

The best and most glaring example of how to do this was with the Japanese whale hunt. For years it was complaints and protests and nothing got done. Then anti-whalers got smart - took a huge ship down there to follow the whalers around with cameras and on the news every night we saw whales being harpooned and dragged still kicking on to ships to get carved up. Damning evidence and everyone went fucking crazy. Yeah the hunt went on but putting the issue so irrefutably front and centre has put piled pressure on the bad guys. Now you would have to think things will change... albeit eventually.

No doubt I'm making it sound easier than it is but someone needs to grab a camera and start filming what goes on. Show the world. If the situation is as bad as people claim then it'll shock people [like me] who have no idea and hopefully lead to change but one thing is for sure - trying to extinguish a flame aint gonna do shit.

Okay okay okay... let's get on with the update. Now I know I've made claims as to the excellentness of updates before but this one truly rocks. So many hours have gone into sticking it all together that I don't remember leaving the computer for the last four or five days. True story. Look it up if you don't believe me. So... check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Katie Fey - Play It - Talking Goat - Aussie Babe - Vida - Blood Bath - Sassy - Loser - Black Fuck - Arab Pussy

Scully's Tata's - Peepy's - Little Shit - I Know - Fuck Earth - Weird Porn - Cry Baby - Bananas! - Virgins Apply

Emo Fags - Cheer Stunts - Spicy - Funnel Prank - Fergies Butt - Corrupted - Emma's Vaj - Topless - Punished

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
--
Mike and Steve are talking about their respective weekends when the subject of picking up ladies pops up. "I must say I'm doing fine in that department," says Mike. "This weekend I hooked up with that new secretary Jenny Smith." "Jenny Smith!" Steve exclaims, "What happened?" "Let's just say I got lucky." "I've heard about Jenny," Steve says, "and I wouldn't call it 'lucky.'" "I would," Mike says smugly. "In that case," Steve replies, "you're the luckiest guy with herpes I know."

PROBABLY THE HOTTEST CHICK EVER
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Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England.  At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maoris.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. 

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Maoris on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Maoris don't buy a ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. "Watch and learn bro," answers a Maori.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Maoris leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

ORSM VIDEO

- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

STORM TROOPING
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The only cow in a small town near Mudgee stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Lithgow for $200. They brought the cow from Lithgow and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Lithgow?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Lithgow?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Lithgow..."

MORE CELEB NIP SLIPS
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Had millions of suggestions on getting perfectly clean and clear car windows after putting the call out last week. Huge thanks to everyone who replied! If you want to read some of the suggestions and what actually got them sorted click here.

Wanna submit something to Orsm.net and possibly be featured in an update? It's pretty fucking easy to do let me tell you. We're always on the lookout for fucked up vids, compromising pics of your bitch Ex or tasty GF, jokes, funny pics or whatever else you can staple to an email and send this way. All you have to do is click here and email me!

Gray wrote:
Subject: What the hell is an "Orsm?"
Dude, Love the site, have been stopping by for years... but I gotta ask, what the hell is an "Orsm?" Peace.

I get this ALL the time and it amazes me that after all these years people still don't get it. Must be the accent/pronunciation depending on where you're from but to cut an unnecessarily long and drawn out explanation short: Orsm/Awesome. Got it? -Orsm

sean wrote:
Subject: peeing
is it possible that for your next update you include videos of girls peeing

No. -Orsm

Z, from LA wrote:
Subject: Re: Toxic Hotel
Sorry to burst the bubble, but those signs are required by the state to be posted by any establishment with any chemicals that can pose such a threat.  The most common that you'll find are pool cleaning chemicals, such as chlorine.  I've lived in California my whole life and have seen those signs on virtually all Hotels and Apartment complexes.  They don't mean to deter people, just to warn them in case of those lucky few retarded enough to drink the chems.  Love the site, keep on rockin!

You learn someting every day... -Orsm

Some Stooge wrote:
Subject: A Tree
Dude, Yesterday a rather large tree fell over in West Perth across Richardson Street. Police attended and the road was blocked for a little while. Attached is a pic. How random, enjoy.
click to enlarge
Richard wrote:
Subject: pix of mate's wife
Hi Orsm ... Great site .. keep up the good work for all of us! I have attached 2 pics of mate's wife who posed for two guys at work. The wife doesn't know that the guys sent the pics too her husband. He wanted the pictures up on the net somewhere so people can see her for the slut she is, lol. Enjoy.
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Cathloser wrote:
Subject: Calling All Alcoholics
If you were around in 1919 and saw this poster... would you really quit drinking?

click to enlarge
cunnox wrote:
Subject: Obedience School Winner
I think i better get zeus started on this new trick,but knowning my boy zeus he'll just sit there and lick he's nuts... They say you are never too old to teach an old dog new tricks.
click to enlarge

Epirb wrote:
Subject: Quim
Why oh why oh why, at the age of 41 and with a sensible haircut looking after my grey hair do I still find this kind of thing funny? Can't help it, greetings from a draughty Blighty Orsm, Epirb.

For anyone that doesn't get that... here. Admittedly it would be better if they called it 'cunt'. -Orsm

click to enlarge
James wrote:
Subject: u can post this..
This is a pic of a whore of an ex... Wasted 5 years of my life on her... Hide my info please... BTW she lives in Connecticut. If U ever see these tits on a girl RUN THE FUCK AWAY!!!!! Do what you will with this Photo... BTW I love your site!
click to enlarge
click to enlarge

Bill wrote:
Subject: WRECKED A340-600 at TOULOUSE FRANCE
These are pictures of the wreck of a brand new A340-600 in November 2007, that had never flown. (never saw (1) hour in the air). Thank these French and their Arab friends for this bit of "comedy of errors".

Nine employees of the Arab airline were in the aircraft, but "no employees" from Airbus were present. The Arab's taxied out to the run-up area. Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with virtually an empty aircraft. (They obvious didn't read the run-up manuals.) No chocks were set, (not that it would have mattered at that power setting) â?¦. Brakes will not hold it back at full power anyway.

As it turns out the takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had all FOUR engines at full power. The aircraft computers thought they were trying to takeoff but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc, etc). Then one of these brain surgeons decided to pull the "Ground Sense" circuit breaker to quiet the alarms. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air. "A big,big mistake"! As soon as they did that, the computers automaticlly "released" all the brakes. ("this is a Safety feature so that pilots don't land with the brakes on".) There was No time to stop and no one smart enough thought to reduce the max power setting..... So the rest is as you see it below. "Arab's" don't you just love them................

<with held> wrote:
Subject: hay baby
Orsm, An email of a wench who wants to have a mate of mine and me for some good times... no details please.

Fuck they are big. -Orsm

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Shadow wrote:
Subject: Random shite pics
I just got back from a trip I took to Las Vegas. I thought I would send you some pics for your "Random shite" section. So here a re some pics that I thought were funny... maybe cool... or just stupid... lol. Hope you can use some of them!
click for gallery
marc wrote:
Subject: Gay
Gayest fish in the world! I released it ( well threw it back off the cliff) It swam off unharmed . Caught it on a chunk of mulie :) Its called a lunar tail wrass :) 
click for gallery
Samiiiiiiiiiii wrote:
Subject: Mystery animal?
Can anyone shed any light on the attached pictures. It is some sort of creature spotted in about 1000m of water, off the coast of Indonesia. Apparently the stubby protrusions moved a bit like limbs, and when it was spooked by the ROV, it disappeared into the gloom by moving the frill at the end like a squid. I didn't see it personally, but this is the desciption I got from the guy who did.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Always remember format your ipod before you sell it!
Hey. Been a fan of your site for a while now, and here is my first contribution! Hide my details please!
click for gallery

JD wrote:
Subject: How to park a FPV Pursuit Ute
Hey ORSM, Some photos from Main North Road in Adelaide a couple of months ago. He was allegedly racing a Statesman, and the result speaks for itself. Cheers.

Ford drivers. Enough said. -Orsm

click for gallery

ORSM VIDEO

A SAD REALITY

After I was discharged from the U.S. Navy, Jim and I moved back to Detroit to use our GI bill benefits to get some schooling. Jim was going for a degree in Electronics and I, after much debating, decided to get mine in Computer Science. One of the required classes was Speech.

Like many people, I had no fondness for getting up in front of people for any reason, let alone to be the centre of attention as I stuttered my way through some unfamiliar subject. But I couldn't get out of the requirement, and so I found myself in my last semester before graduation with Speech as one of my classes.

On the first day of class our professor explained to us that he was going to leave the subject manner of our talks up to us, but he was going to provide the motivation of the speech. We would be responsible for six speeches, each with a different motivation. For instance our first speech's purpose was to inform. He advised us to pick subjects that we were interested in and knowledgeable about. I decided to centre my six speeches around animals, especially dogs.

For my first speech to inform, I talked about the equestrian art of dressage. For my speech to demonstrate, I brought my German Shepherd, Bodger, to class and demonstrated obedience commands. Finally the semester was almost over and I had but one more speech to give. This speech was to take the place of a written final exam and was to count for fifty per cent of our grade. The speeches motivation was to persuade.

After agonizing over a subject matter, and keeping with my animal theme, I decided on the topic of spaying and neutering pets. My goal was to try to persuade my classmates to neuter their pets. So I started researching the topic. There was plenty of material, articles that told of the millions of dogs and cats that were euthanized every year, of supposedly beloved pets that were turned in to various animal control facilities for the lamest of reasons, or worse, dropped off far from home, bewildered and scared. Death was usually a blessing.

The final speech was looming closer, but I felt well prepared. My notes were full of facts and statistics that I felt sure would motivate even the most naive of pet owners to succumb to my plea.

A couple of days before our speeches were due, I had the bright idea of going to the local branch of the Humane Society and borrowing a puppy to use as a sort of a visual aid. I called the Humane Society and explained what I wanted. They were very happy to accommodate me. I made arrangements to pick up a puppy the day before my speech.

The day before my speech, I went to pick up the puppy. I was feeling very confident. I could quote all the statistics and numbers without ever looking at my notes. The puppy, I felt, would add the final emotional touch. When I arrived at the Humane Society I was met by a young guy named Ron. He explained that he was the public relations person for the Humane Society.

He was very excited about my speech and asked if I would like a tour of the facilities before I picked up the puppy. I enthusiastically agreed.

We started out in the reception area, which was the general public's initial encounter with the Humane Society. The lobby was full, mostly with people dropping off various animals that they no longer wanted Ron explained to me that this branch of the Humane Society took in about fifty animals a day and adopted out twenty.

As we stood there I heard snatches of conversation: "I can't keep him, he digs holes in my garden." "They such cute puppies, I know you will have no trouble finding homes for them." "She is wild, I can't control her."

I heard one of Humane Society's volunteer explain to the lady with the litter of puppies that the Society was filled with puppies and that these puppies, being black, would immediately be put to sleep. Black puppies, she explained, had little chance of being adopted. The woman who brought the puppies in just shrugged, "I can't help it," she whined. "They are getting too big. I don't have room for them."

We left the reception area. Ron led me into the staging area where all the incoming animals were evaluated for adoptability. Over half never even made it to the adoption centre. There were just too many. Not only were people bringing in their own animals, but strays were also dropped off. By law the Humane Society had to hold a stray for three days. If the animal was not claimed by then, it was euthanized, since there was no background information on the animal.

There were already too many animals that had a known history eagerly provided by their soon to be ex-owners. As we went through the different areas, I felt more and more depressed. No amount of statistics, could take the place of seeing the reality of what this throwaway attitude did to the living, breathing animal. It was over overwhelming.

Finally Ron stopped in front of a closed door. "That's it," he said, "except for this." I read the sign on the door. "Euthanisation Area."

"Do you want to see one?" he asked. Before I could decline, he interjected, "You really should. You can't tell the whole story unless you experience the end." I reluctantly agreed.  "Good." He said "I already cleared it and Peggy is expecting you."

He knocked firmly on the door. It was opened immediately by a middle aged woman in a white lab coat. "Here's the girl I was telling you about," Ron explained. Peggy looked me over. "Well, I'll leave you here with Peggy and meet you in the reception area in about fifteen minutes. I'll have the puppy ready."

With that Ron departed, leaving me standing in front of the stern-looking Peggy. Peggy motioned me in. As I walked into the room, I gave an audible gasp. The room was small and spartan. There were a couple of cages on the wall and a cabinet with syringes and vials of a clear liquid.  In the middle of the room was an examining table with a rubber mat on top. There were two doors other than the one I had entered. Both were closed. One said to incinerator room, and the other had no sign, but I could hear various animals noises coming from behind the closed door. In the back of the room, near the door that was marked incinerator were the objects that caused my distress: two wheelbarrows, filled with the bodies of dead kittens and puppies. I stared in horror.

Nothing had prepared me for his. I felt my legs grow weak and my breathing become rapid and shallow. Peggy seemed not to notice my state of shock. She started talking about the euthanisation process, but I wasn't hearing her. I could not tear my gaze away from the wheelbarrows and those dozens of pathetic little bodies.

Finally, Peggy seemed to notice that I was not paying attention to her. "Are you listening?" she asked irritably. "I'm only going to go through this once." I tore my gaze from the back of the room and looked at her.

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come out, so I nodded. She told me that behind the unmarked door were the animals that were scheduled for euthanasia that day. She picked up a chart that was hanging from the wall. "One fifty-three is next," she said as she looked at the chart. "I'll go get him."

She laid down the chart on the examining table and started for the unmarked door. Before she got to the door she stopped and turned around.  "You aren't going to get hysterical, are you?" she asked, "Because that will only upset the animals." I shook my head. I had not said a word since I walked into that room. I still felt unsure if I would be able to without breaking down into tears.

As Peggy opened the unmarked door I peered into the room beyond. It was a small room, but the walls were lined and stacked with cages. It looked like they were all occupied. Peggy opened the door of one of the lower cages and removed the occupant. From what I could see it looked like a medium-sized dog. She attached a leash and ushered the dog into the room in which I stood.

As Peggy brought the dog into the room I could see that the dog was no more than a puppy, maybe five or six months old. The pup looked to be a cross between a Lab and a German shepherd. He was mostly black, with a small amount of tan above his eyes and on his feet. He was very excited and bouncing up and down, trying to sniff everything in this new environment.

Peggy lifted the pup onto the table. She had a card in her hand, which she laid on the table next to me. I read the card. It said that number one fifty-three was a mixed Shepherd, six months old. He was surrendered two days ago by a family. Reason of surrender was given as "jumps on children." At the bottom was a note that said "Name: Sam."

Peggy was quick and efficient, from lots of practice, I guessed. She laid one fifty-three down on his side and tied a rubber tourniquet around his front leg. She turned to fill the syringe from the vial of clear liquid.  All this time I was standing at the head of the table. I could see the moment that one fifty-three went from a curious puppy to a terrified puppy. He did not like being held down and he started to struggle.

It was then that I finally found my voice. I bent over the struggling puppy and whispered, "Sam. Your name is Sam." At the sound of his name Sam quit struggling. He wagged his tail tentatively and his soft pink tongue darted out and licked my hand. And that is how he spent his last moment. I watched his eyes fade from hopefulness to nothingness It was over very quickly. I had never even seen Peggy give the lethal shot.

The tears could not be contained any longer. I kept my head down so as not to embarrass myself in front of the stoic Peggy. My tears fell onto the still body on the table. "Now you know," Peggy said softly. Then she turned away. "Ron will be waiting for you."

I left the room. Although it seemed like it had been hours, only fifteen minutes had gone by since Ron had left me at the door. I made my way back to the reception area. True to his word, Ron had the puppy all ready to go.

After giving me some instructions about what to feed the puppy, he handed the carrying cage over to me and wished me good luck on my speech. That night I went home and spent many hours playing with the orphan puppy. I went to bed that night but I could not sleep. After a while I got up and looked at my speech notes with their numbers and statistics. Without a second thought, I tore them up and threw them away. I went back to bed.
Sometime during the night I finally fell asleep.

The next morning I arrived at my Speech class with Puppy Doe. When my turn came, I held the puppy in my arms, I took a deep breath, and I told the class about the life and death of Sam. When I finished my speech I became aware that I was crying. I apologized to the class and took my seat. After class the teacher handed out a critique with our grades. I got an "A." His comments said "Very moving and persuasive."

Two days later, on the last day of class, one of my classmates came up to me.  She was an older lady that I had never spoken to in class. She stopped me on our way out of the class room. "I want you to know that I adopted the puppy you brought to class," she said. "His name is Sam."

ORSM VIDEO

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a dozen Fosters stubbies and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans", he says. "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says. The man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF FOSTERS AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE!"

OH SOPHIA
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Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one." "No", said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her." "No", said the father. "Were not going to eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."

RANDOM SHITE
After last weeks RS you're probably wondering what to expect and I'm not going to help you out sorry. That would be no fun... but do enter at your own risk though. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

The old man placed an order for one plain hamburger, fries and a cola.

At the table, he unwrapped the hamburger and carefully cut it in two, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the fries, dividing them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink and then set down the carton between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal between the two of them". When the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat watching her husband eat and occasionally she took turns at sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old man said, "No, thank you; we are used to sharing everything".

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man again came over, and spoke to the little old woman, who had yet to eat a bite, and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered: "The TEETH."

IT TAKES ALL TYPES
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says "I see... take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor" she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly." The doctor says "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses let's work on your hearing..."

ORSM VIDEO


Update finito. Time to break the red eggs...

- Check out the site archives. Go onnnn...
- Next update will be next Thursday... unless i get a better offer...?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will send you a nasty and hurtful SMS [like he does to me]. Something like: "Dear stupid Jew, you are, always have been and always will be a complete disappointment and failure in our eyes. Love Mum & Dad." That's just the kind of guy Ray is.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a Happy Greek Easter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.04.17-23.19

Welcome to Orsm.net. Constant Partial Attention.

What's crackin'?

It turns out I've been living a week ahead of myself and for that matter everyone else. Had it in my brain that the coming weekend was the long one and now that it aint I'm sort of disappointed and possibly a tiny bit devastated. Poor me. Yeah I could just call in sick Monday but unfortunately the only person that suffers is yours truly so once again – POOR ME.

I had some crap written about the Hall/Staker punch incident from Saturdays Aussie Rules match in Sydney but honestly what can be said that already hasn’t been? Nothing, so I did everyone a favour and shit canned it. Not as if we haven’t seen the replay a million times either however I did find watching American commentators talking about it rather amusing.

Think I'll dispense with any further social commentary and cut right to the weekend part. Come on you know that’s the only reason you surf Orsm... because my life is so fucking fantastical that everyone flocks here to read all about it and wonder why there's sucks so bad in comparison... right? That's what my life coach told me...

Saturday was a day choc full of unwanted retail excursions. Started early at the local shopping centre. Perfect parking right at the front door in the 15 minute bay. "You'll get a ticket" my friend warned. Hah right. "It's a privately owned carpark – who the fuck is going to ticket me?". It didn’t end there... parking in the 15 minute bay got me 15 minutes of why I really shouldn’t park in the 15 minute bay if I'm going to be longer than 15 minutes. Got that?

The mission was to find some sort of cradle thing for an iPod. Fucking iPod's. I must be the only person I know who doesn’t own one yet they dominate far more of my life than I'm comfortable with. Friends and fam drop in to raid my music collection instead of see me most of the time. Anyway that plus general sightseeing took a couple more hours and included a somewhat funny incident with a sunglass counter girl who was displaying several decent inches of cleavage who was immediately on to me when I asked to 'see a pair'. Comedy gold...

From there it was into the city to get the camera tripod I've been eying off for the last few months. Sweet. Until now I've been using a hand-me-down piece of crap whose legs would retract every time you apply the slightest of pressure plus it was a video camera tripod AND it was old. Was supposed to catch up with some friends after that but it didn’t quite happen... so back to the shops it was –this time for groceries- and back to the very same 15 minute parking bay. About half an hour later the phone rings: "Dude is that you parked in a 15 minute bay? You'll get a ticket!". No fucking shit.

Started Sunday like practically every other for the last five or six months - trip to the beach. Got home late morning to wash the car... which reminds me - anyone a car window cleaning god? A few months back I got this uber-amazing microfibre window sponge. Started off okay but after a couple of weeks there were streaks. In an act of desperation I resorted to Windex and now I cannot for the fucking life of me get them perfect and streak-free again. Okay so anyone who isn’t clean car obsessed is thinking 'this cunt needs to get a life' and I pretty much agree with you but it's driving me fucking insane. Ideas, tips and suggestions here please!

Wanted to give the new tripod a go so we did the photo thing again Sunday evening but this time with my car and a mates R1 [motorbike]. Slowly, gradually, finally starting to work out some of the advanced settings and get half decent shots in crappy light. Still a long way from being able to say I know what I'm doing but its fun and not just the same old thing every fucking weekend.

Okay lets do this. Check it....

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Lohan-tastic - Click To Play - The DJ Test - Very Cool - Carmella Banged - Sienna's Toe - Deep Throat - Go Brazilian

Epic Fail - Uchuforce - Big Cans - Lurvly Cans - Little Cunts - Nurse Cleav - Manly Booze - Ooops! - Black Sluts

Fucking Moron - Don't Trust - So KO'd - Unfknblvbl Cali - Chair Attack - Try Hards - Soph Pokes - Lil Hilary - Lick It

I bought a racehorse today. I've decided to call him 'My Face'. I don't care if he doesn't win a race, or makes me any money. I just want to hear thousands of those posh tarts at Flemington shouting 'Come on my face!'
--
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"? The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
--
Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

JANA COVA
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Next time someone starts to spread gossip, think of this:

In ancient Greece Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment", Socrates replied, "before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".

"Triple filter?" "That's right", Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No", the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right", said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..."

"So", Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really..."

"Well", concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither 'True nor Good' nor even 'Useful', why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato (his student) was having an affair with his wife.

ORSM VIDEO

- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

“18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."

 Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

CRASH
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm want list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Matthew wrote:
Subject: Bob Geldolf?
That's Richard Branson, not Bob Geldof, doesn't even look like Bob. Not to mention, the picture is titled with "richard branson". So are you just pullin our legs, a dry sarcastic joke? Or did you seriously believe that's Bob Geldof? Eitherway, fuck I'd drink a damn beer with Richard Branson! And I wouldn't look like a fat, queer in the picture, wearing a pink shirt either.

YES I know/knew it was RB as the filename clearly indicates. I wanted to see how many people would correct me and as it turned out there were tonnes of you! -Orsm

Adrian wrote:
Subject: F-16 landing at Aspen......if only.
For future reference this is a Gulfstream GV. The video is from the Gulfstream Aerospace website as a demo of their Enhanced Vision System- (EVS)They have many other cool vids. Check it out.
greg wrote:
Subject: skyline crash
The car in question was an R32 4 door - no turbo (if it was turbocharged, it would've had big brakes, requiring bigger wheels than than those on the car in the pics), Skylines don't get much softer than that - (roughly the equivalent of a V6 VN Commodore). Looks like NZ number plates, must've been chasing sheep...... To cut a long story short, there are two ways to acheive that level of desturction in a car so tame, #1 - on purpose, #2 by being a complete fuckwit......
Craig wrote:
Subject: cougar picture from oklahoma
Mr Orsm, Haven't written you in  awhile but I just had to ... The pictures of the cougar from Oklahoma have been circulated all over the states from a pile of different locations... Someone e-mailed me the pictures and told me they were from the Twin City Metropolitan area  in Minnesota....just thought I'd set the record straight!!! Snopes has it all!!

Reg wrote:
Subject: Ass Kicking Machine
I FOUND this advertised under jobs on a brisbane website:
Greetings! I am looking for candidates to try out my new invention for a carnival. I need people with a good strong butt. Duties involve sustained blows to the rear by different brands of shoes attached to a rotating ferris wheel device. This job is not for people that have hemmroids or any other ailments of that nature. Must be able to pass background, have a clean/ perfect DMV and pass a drug test from hair samples. Basically im like any other company I want that perfect person for a job that any ass can do. Oh and If you need any remodeling done I have 10+ years experience and my own tools. Mike Stamps. email your CV to: mikelstamps@yahoo.com

click to enlarge

Dubs wrote:
Subject: shipping
hows this for ebay shipping!!!!

Bargain... -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge
Riaan wrote:
Subject: Only In Africa
Seen on a Mozambique road doing 120km/hr… ONLY IN AFRICA !!!
click to enlarge
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Bruce M wrote:
Subject: Toxic pics from hotel
I stayed in LA last week. Had booked a cheap hotel(like, $36 a night) and then got all worried from people telling me what a crap area I was going to be staying in. Even Lonely Planet had bad things to say. All seemed good once I got there, was actually a nice place. Except when I saw this notice on the wall. No wonder the place was cheap.

Matt wrote:
Subject: Ben Cousins look alike
Is it just me or is the second bloke from the left a little familiar? (Please don't use my email address.)

You gotta admit... -Orsm

click to enlarge
One wrote:
Subject: more cell phone porn
Here is a few more pics from Bunch of Drunks [DoT] net
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: mrs
hey big fan of your site. thought id make my own contribution of my mrs! no details please, enjoy!

Where's the rest!? Doesn't she have boobs?? -Orsm

click for gallery
Ross wrote:
Subject: This is what happened last Wednesday Northbourne Avenue
This happened at 1.00pm on Wednesday on Northbourne Avenue (Canberra). Apparently the driver walked away with a scratch on the knee!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: And Some Data Recovery Porn
Mr Orsm, This is turning into a regular feature. Selected some more pictures for you to show if you have the space. Have even found the name of the lady showing us all her moves from the name on some of the files - so guys and girls say hello to Angie Hale. Still lots more photos available if anyone is interested. Please hide my name and email as always to keep me in my job. Keep the updates coming. Have fun dude.
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Terry wrote:
Subject: THIS IS AT A FUNERAL HOME!!!
DEAD in his favorite chair (reclined), remote in hand... AND the football game is ON! Oh yeah, don't miss the new, silky, black & gold pjs, slippers and beer! And are those a pack of Newports in his ashtray??? Just when you thought you've seen everything .... and yes, this is a regular funeral home..
click for gallery
Alister wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi ORSM, Saw this awesome bike at Manly Beach, NSW on the weekend. Got a lot of attention from the locals! He was thumping AC/DC tunes on the DVD Player as he came up to the local watering hole. Don't know much about bikes but it looks like a work of art! Even had hydraulics so the bike would move up and down while it was parked! Cheers.
click for gallery

Bill wrote:
Subject: tractor
How fucken good is this dude

I've seen a guy do that that with his cock... -Orsm

click for gallery

Reg wrote:
Subject: advert for a swinging bed
check out this advert !!! what? a swinging bed!! some people are sure desperate to sell stuff

Creepy as fuck. Imagine walking into someones bedroom and finding that. -Orsm

click to watch video
spot wrote:
Subject: wet tee comp broome
Hey orsm love ya site bro, this is a video of my mate being the water boy , not bad cos he just broke up with his chick not a bad way to move on
click to watch video
John wrote:
Subject: Bremen Mainstation misguided football fan boozing and singing
Hello Mr. Orsm, The other day i was at Bremen mainstation (Germany) when there was an intoxinated St.Pauli soccer club fan from Hamburg who obviosly catched the wrong train and then decided to make a party on his own. his whole face was gently decorated with pieces of puke. He's singing a traditional German drinking song the way only St.Pauli fans can do it ;-)
click to watch video
click to open

Some Girl wrote:
Subject: ALGEBRA PRACTICE
Only skilled people can open this file....... once you succeed to open this file, you will find names of the people who have managed open this...... Now it is your turn! I have solved this question. You can see my name in this file.

A man wanted to get into his work building, but he had forgotten his code. However, he did remember five clues. These are what those clues were:
The fifth number plus the third number equals fourteen. The fourth number is one more than the second number. The first number is one less than twice the second number. The second number plus the third number equals ten. The sum of all five numbers is 30. What were the five numbers and in what order? The answer unlocks the spreadsheet!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look". "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

ORSM VIDEO

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.  

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. 

The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences!"

TALL GODDESS
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A man goes to a disco and starts chatting with a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee".

When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable.

Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want".

Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck. So he says: "I really fancy a 69..." "Fuck Off" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night!"

RANDOM SHITE
I can just about guarantee the niceness of RS this week. You should definitely click through the pics without the slightest concern of finding anything untoward, tawdry or inappropriate. Also, Ray is a great guy and I have a tiny penis. All true honest I swear. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS -