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Welcome to Orsm.net.
I can't believe it's finally here! Forget Christmas and all that other crap - the thing I am most looking forward to is a few days off and as of this update being posted I'm officially on holidays. It's actually been a huge struggle for most of this week battling the onset of 'holiday mode' but I couldn't go out of '06 without one last huge update.
2006 has been a stellar year for the site. Thanks to you guys Orsm.net has hit record traffic days, weeks and months over and over again. Extremely rewarding so huge thank you to everyone who has surfed on by, told their friends and of course submitted stuff.
Can someone please tell me what I want for Christmas? Everyone is asking me and I have absolutely no fucking idea. Well... that isn't entirely true... I want a Samsung 32inch LCD for my bedroom, an iPod Nano, a Canon 400d with 400mm lens, and a new car but there let's face it - I'm not that popular and my chances of scoring that stuff are slim to fuck all at very best.
As I mentioned last week I am still yet to make any attempt at starting my Christmas shopping. We had planned on doing a Secret Santa thing but that whole idea was thwarted [by those wanting more than one present!]. Kind of annoying especially considering the thing I hate most about this whole event is shopping and I make it worse for myself every year. It hits November and I think to myself that now would be a good time to make a start on it all... next thing you know its three days to Christmas and I haven't done a fucking thing...
Why do I do it to myself? The crowds, the long queues, people stopping right in the middle of a busy thoroughfare, screaming brats, the fucking stress is enough to drive a person to insanity and maybe even 'mall rage'. I've blogged about this concept in years gone by - basically it involves people doing any of the above and me suddenly, swiftly and violently dealing with them. I've never quite got as far as losing it and throwing some moron through a shopfront but god knows I've wanted to... maybe this will be the year that all changes though.
Summer is definitely here. Last weekend was an absolute stinker and despite having looked forward to the heat all winter long there's now a little part of me that cant wait for cold again. We did make the most of it though. Got up bright and early Sunday morning and did our usual trip with the dogs to the beach. Was pretty much perfect down there too but it didn't take long before I could feel the sun melting my face. Afterwards we stopped along the coast for a coffee and then headed back to my place to have lunch and work out how to spend the rest of the day. By this stage it was disgustingly hot so we cranked up the aircon and did what I'll call a guilty pleasure and parked it on the couch to watch the cricket.
Ah the cricket... am I allowed to gloat now? I've been crapping on and shit talking about the Ashes for the last few weeks but I didn't think the Aussies would trash the Poms so convincingly. Sure everyone loves seeing their team kick ass but to be honest seeing both teams competitive would probably have been more enjoyable. Still, we have two matches remaining so if the Aussies clean sweep the series it'll probably just as good...
On to my holidays... I have two goals - relax and get off the computer. I'm not going away and the only thing I have planned thus far is a couple of BBQ's on Boxing Day. I've also been kicking around the idea of getting another dog. Having my Sis and her BF living here for most of this year she had more attention than she knew what to do with but now they've gone I think she feels a bit neglected. Anyway the idea is to maybe get her a friend - more for her sake than mine - but I may spend some time investigating after Christmas. I don't think I'll get a puppy this time though. Pissing and shitting in the house, destruction of shoes, clothes, remote controls, and who could forget teething are all things I don't really want to deal with so if you're in Perth and know of a pure bred juvenile or adult German Shepherd that's looking for a good home please email me!
Okay I think that's enough dribbling for one year. Let's get on with this update shall we...?
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The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. "Write that down, Mary," said Joseph. "It's better than 'Derek'."
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Have you heard about Rudolph's brother - Vladimir the brown nose reindeer - he could run as fast as the others but couldn't stop as quick!
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A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me."Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you vhit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for."
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied, "They're Carols!"
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IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - a mere 380 million children according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes, one presumes there's at least one good child in each!
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of out calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For the purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional can run, tops, 15 miles per hour!
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth ship.
5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second! Each! In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500,061 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!
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READER MAIL
As promised there is one final Overflow for the year and it's absolutely massive. If you don't know by now the Overflow is where all the Reader Mail I couldn't fit into an update over the last few month's ends up. That's not to say there is anything wrong with it - just that if I posted every bit of mail that graced my inbox updates would take you guys weeks to get through. True story honest I swear. Anyway you can find the latest Overflow and all its goodness here.
If you would like to contribute
and have your naked pictures, hilarious jokes, funny vids or pretty
much anything else featured on the site then you should feel welcome
to drop me a line here. On with the mail...
Nafe wrote:
Subject: Ferrari crash in South Perth
This happened Sunday evening. The driver spent all afternoon at the Winsor hotel getting hammered and decided that after stopping at the lights and showing off a bit he'd go one step further and put the Ferrai into the traffic lights. What moron.
Got this email so many times it aint even funny... actually no... it is funny...REALLY funny.... -Orsm
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Turner wrote:
Subject: Whale Slaughter
Hi, I've been visiting your great site for a good few years now and never have I been so disgusted at the needless slaughter of those beautiful Minke Whales, I hope all those Faroe Islanders and their children all get cancer and die painfully!!
This explains it. Cheers to Neil for tracking that down. -Orsm
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Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: Cricket
Thatmosis here,
WTF Gary, Cant believe someone would be so thick as to say the great unwashed
didnt rub it in when they "won" the Ashes, maybe not on this site but
everwhere else. They lorded it over us for months and had their DVD out
within hours of winning, hope they bring one out this time with a good
title, how about, "Wombats Whip Wombles back to Wimbleton Common" or "Warne
Whips Wombles" or " Dad's Army Screws Mum's Army". The so called English
Cricket Team or the United Nations Team as we like to call it was completely
humiliated not once, not twice but three times with Frodo near to tears. As
for your strike Bowler Krusty the Clown, what a joke but at least he added a
new word to the cricket manual- a Harmy. Jones was crap, and the Traitor was
only interested in playing for himself. 3-0 now 5-0 to go home to. |
Johnny wrote:
Subject: Stingray
Orsm, Mate , you know where this is going before I say anything. But, have to say, the stingray picture with the late Steve Erwin was pretty lame . On the west coast you blokes are probably a bit removed from Situation but on the east coast , where I live only 20 minutes up the road from the zoo , things are still pretty emotional. Having said that, love the site and still trying to convert many more followers. Keep up the good work. |
Tony F wrote:
Subject: Airbus Photos on ORSM
Thanks for the Airbus photos. Nice .... Roomy....
That aint Economy class! Isn't it funny how they show the "expensive" seats up front ... Not the "real" ones that you and I buy with our hard-earned cash! |
Daniel wrote:
Subject: That's a tit! That is a tit!!
Hi Orsm. My friend took this picture early on the morning of Sunday December 3 at Club Red Sea in Subiaco. God bless alcohol. All the best for Christmas and the New Year.
Honestly one of the best boobs I have seen all year... -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Only in Montana.
Seen on the road between Billings and Roundup. --- A Dodge Omni standing up
to the test!!! The elk is bigger than the car - notice the 2x6 supports he has so the roof doesn't cave in. Reminds me of a time in about 1961 I knew of a guy from Texas who went antelope hunting in Wyoming. The antelope traveled all the way from Wyoming to West Texas on the right fender of a 1951 Ford. :) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mr. Hankey
ORSM SIR! I made this, like I REALLY MADE this, then I took a picture and drew some stuff on it. It's my own personal Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo! |
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Giorgos and Marcus wrote:
Subject: 260km/h in the german highway
Dear ORSM!!!!!!!!! I am a fun of ur site for a long time now and I want to share what a friend of mine and I, did some days ago. On the 20th of November I was driving with a friend of mine from Munich to Switzerland. My friend he has a SUBARU LEGACY 3.0 ltr/245hp.. Close to Lindau he fell like ... speeding a beat!!!!The first picture I took was on 250km/h. the second pic I took shows 260km/h. I think it would be something worth showing!!!! |
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Darin Hurd wrote:
Subject: Picture for priceless
Orsm master, Here is a picture of a friends dog she taken for Christmas pictures. Didn't realize how "excited" the dog was until after they got them back. Enjoy. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: grass
hi mr Orsm. here is are pics i took at work it is grass that looks like ribcages. greetings and thanks for all the hard word that go in to your site. ps. merry christmas to u and all the people that come to your web site. |
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Jansen wrote:
Subject: Get a Tazz ???
This vehicle was stolen, it was then in an accident. 3 cows were found inside, tied up and squashed in !! ---see the first and second photo. When the cows were removed the vehicle appeared as in photo 3 --- rear and passenger seat removed. The last photo shows the cows remarkably unscathed. Only in South Africa. |
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DtM wrote:
Subject: Fires in Vic
Mr Orsm... various photos from the fires that have been burning down Victoria for the last few weeks. Poor cunts. Nasty stuff. |
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David wrote:
Subject: Indy 2006
howdy. just in case you were watching too much of the race.. there was other action goin on around the track.......... |
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Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishees.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
ORSM
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and A shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the Elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A man in Perth phones his son in Sydney the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Perth immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME!?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife "Okay", he says "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
After the annual office Christmas party, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Oh, Even worse," she assured him, her voice laden with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself! You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."
John looked up and replied, "He's a jerk! Piss on him!" "You did," Louise informed him. "And he immediately fired you."
"Well screw him and his whole board of directors," growled John. Louise quickly remarked, "John, I'm really glad you feel that way... because I did! You're back to work on Monday."
This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of dollars to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. "No" says the man and goes on to explain why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "I will grant you three wishes on the understanding that you will do me a favour". "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!! Thank you, thank you!"
Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal humping, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man. You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!" laughs the jolly fat gay bastard.
Santa Claus has to be Gay! If you're not sure, look at some of these examples:
Christmas is a big, well organised, fully catered, decorated, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social beverage deal, and I have a tough time believing a straight man could possibly pull it all off!
"Fairy lights". What about those over-the-top decorations? A straight man cannot even organise a matching shirt and tie!
Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn't have time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day. But if you're a gay, out-of-work Actor/ Dancer/Waiter, it's the perfect gig until you get your big break.
Also, if Santa was straight, he would have picked an animal much more masculine than the reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the reindeer just happen to appeal to Santa's inherent sense of grace and beauty.
Speaking of masculine, my dear, what about those names for the reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen? You fill in the blanks.
Mrs. Claus has been married to him for eons yet he's never ever fathered a child with her. She's over-weight and still content. Why I hear you ask? Can you say "Fag-hag"?
Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He's Gay too! Come on, you have thought about it too. "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games." As if he wanted to. Besides, isn't Rudolph really only a metaphor for the Gay child living in a straight society anyway?
Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert at Christmas time? Well, now you know. And stop pretending you don't like it. Deep down inside, you've always liked fruitcake.
Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one-night trip!
And his outfit?? Red velvet with a white, fur collar? Black, knee high boots and a thick black paten leather belt. Just the attire all straight men rush to buy!
Darling, just think about it!!! Physically, he's a dream come true for the Chubby Chaser Club and the perfect "Bear" poster child.
Also, with his love of giving gifts, Santa's the perfect Sugar Daddy for all those old sad aging queens who don't like to work!
Which straight man has ever thought of using "stockings" to hide their candy?
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that is that and not only for this update but for 2006! Hopefully you guys enjoyed this one and the previous 50 updates for the year and hopefully you'll be back for another 51 in 2007.
Again I would like to thank everyone who has supported Orsm.net this year. I've had a lot of fun running the site and there isn't another thing I would rather be doing. If everything goes to plan, next year will be the biggest year ever so make sure you drop in regularly.
If you find yourself bored over the holidays you should feel free to do the following:
- Check out the site archives because they are so big a whole new internet is being built just to handle them.
- Tell your friends to come check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll send Honer around to fuck your Christmas Turkey.
- Email me!
Until next year be good, get on the chems and have a safe and happy Christmas and New Year! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
