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December 2006...
 
orsmupdate 2006.12.21-22.55
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Meet Babes Like Tavia @ Fling!

Welcome to Orsm.net.

I can't believe it's finally here! Forget Christmas and all that other crap - the thing I am most looking forward to is a few days off and as of this update being posted I'm officially on holidays. It's actually been a huge struggle for most of this week battling the onset of 'holiday mode' but I couldn't go out of '06 without one last huge update.

2006 has been a stellar year for the site. Thanks to you guys Orsm.net has hit record traffic days, weeks and months over and over again. Extremely rewarding so huge thank you to everyone who has surfed on by, told their friends and of course submitted stuff.

Can someone please tell me what I want for Christmas? Everyone is asking me and I have absolutely no fucking idea. Well... that isn't entirely true... I want a Samsung 32inch LCD for my bedroom, an iPod Nano, a Canon 400d with 400mm lens, and a new car but there let's face it - I'm not that popular and my chances of scoring that stuff are slim to fuck all at very best.

As I mentioned last week I am still yet to make any attempt at starting my Christmas shopping. We had planned on doing a Secret Santa thing but that whole idea was thwarted [by those wanting more than one present!]. Kind of annoying especially considering the thing I hate most about this whole event is shopping and I make it worse for myself every year. It hits November and I think to myself that now would be a good time to make a start on it all... next thing you know its three days to Christmas and I haven't done a fucking thing...

Why do I do it to myself? The crowds, the long queues, people stopping right in the middle of a busy thoroughfare, screaming brats, the fucking stress is enough to drive a person to insanity and maybe even 'mall rage'. I've blogged about this concept in years gone by - basically it involves people doing any of the above and me suddenly, swiftly and violently dealing with them. I've never quite got as far as losing it and throwing some moron through a shopfront but god knows I've wanted to... maybe this will be the year that all changes though.


Summer is definitely here. Last weekend was an absolute stinker and despite having looked forward to the heat all winter long there's now a little part of me that cant wait for cold again. We did make the most of it though. Got up bright and early Sunday morning and did our usual trip with the dogs to the beach. Was pretty much perfect down there too but it didn't take long before I could feel the sun melting my face. Afterwards we stopped along the coast for a coffee and then headed back to my place to have lunch and work out how to spend the rest of the day. By this stage it was disgustingly hot so we cranked up the aircon and did what I'll call a guilty pleasure and parked it on the couch to watch the cricket.

Ah the cricket... am I allowed to gloat now? I've been crapping on and shit talking about the Ashes for the last few weeks but I didn't think the Aussies would trash the Poms so convincingly. Sure everyone loves seeing their team kick ass but to be honest seeing both teams competitive would probably have been more enjoyable. Still, we have two matches remaining so if the Aussies clean sweep the series it'll probably just as good...

On to my holidays... I have two goals - relax and get off the computer. I'm not going away and the only thing I have planned thus far is a couple of BBQ's on Boxing Day. I've also been kicking around the idea of getting another dog. Having my Sis and her BF living here for most of this year she had more attention than she knew what to do with but now they've gone I think she feels a bit neglected. Anyway the idea is to maybe get her a friend - more for her sake than mine - but I may spend some time investigating after Christmas. I don't think I'll get a puppy this time though. Pissing and shitting in the house, destruction of shoes, clothes, remote controls, and who could forget teething are all things I don't really want to deal with so if you're in Perth and know of a pure bred juvenile or adult German Shepherd that's looking for a good home please email me!

Okay I think that's enough dribbling for one year. Let's get on with this update shall we...?

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The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. "Write that down, Mary," said Joseph. "It's better than 'Derek'."
--
Have you heard about Rudolph's brother - Vladimir the brown nose reindeer - he could run as fast as the others but couldn't stop as quick!
--
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me."Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you vhit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for."

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS...

Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia

Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied, "They're Carols!"

ORSM VIDEO

FLESHLIGHT... NOT AS CREEPY AS YOU THINK! I GOT MINE AND IT IS HONESTLY THE FUCKING
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IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - a mere 380 million children according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes, one presumes there's at least one good child in each!

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of out calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For the purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional can run, tops, 15 miles per hour!

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth ship.

5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second! Each! In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500,061 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!

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READER MAIL
As promised there is one final Overflow for the year and it's absolutely massive. If you don't know by now the Overflow is where all the Reader Mail I couldn't fit into an update over the last few month's ends up. That's not to say there is anything wrong with it - just that if I posted every bit of mail that graced my inbox updates would take you guys weeks to get through. True story honest I swear. Anyway you can find the latest Overflow and all its goodness here.

If you would like to contribute and have your naked pictures, hilarious jokes, funny vids or pretty much anything else featured on the site then you should feel welcome to drop me a line here. On with the mail...

Nafe wrote:
Subject: Ferrari crash in South Perth
This happened Sunday evening. The driver spent all afternoon at the Winsor hotel getting hammered and decided that after stopping at the lights and showing off a bit he'd go one step further and put the Ferrai into the traffic lights. What moron.

Got this email so many times it aint even funny... actually no... it is funny...REALLY funny.... -Orsm

click for gallery

Turner wrote:
Subject: Whale Slaughter
Hi, I've been visiting your great site for a good few years now and never have I been so disgusted at the needless slaughter of those beautiful Minke Whales, I hope all those Faroe Islanders and their children all get cancer and die painfully!!

This explains it. Cheers to Neil for tracking that down. -Orsm

Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: Cricket
Thatmosis here, WTF Gary, Cant believe someone would be so thick as to say the great unwashed didnt rub it in when they "won" the Ashes, maybe not on this site but everwhere else. They lorded it over us for months and had their DVD out within hours of winning, hope they bring one out this time with a good title, how about, "Wombats Whip Wombles back to Wimbleton Common" or "Warne Whips Wombles" or " Dad's Army Screws Mum's Army". The so called English Cricket Team or the United Nations Team as we like to call it was completely humiliated not once, not twice but three times with Frodo near to tears. As for your strike Bowler Krusty the Clown, what a joke but at least he added a new word to the cricket manual- a Harmy. Jones was crap, and the Traitor was only interested in playing for himself. 3-0 now 5-0 to go home to.
Johnny wrote:
Subject: Stingray
Orsm, Mate , you know where this is going before I say anything. But, have to say, the stingray picture with the late Steve Erwin was pretty lame . On the west coast you blokes are probably a bit removed from Situation but on the east coast , where I live only 20 minutes up the road from the zoo , things are still pretty emotional. Having said that, love the site and still trying to convert many more followers. Keep up the good work.
Tony F wrote:
Subject: Airbus Photos on ORSM
Thanks for the Airbus photos. Nice .... Roomy.... That aint Economy class! Isn't it funny how they show the "expensive" seats up front ... Not the "real" ones that you and I buy with our hard-earned cash!

Daniel wrote:
Subject: That's a tit! That is a tit!!
Hi Orsm. My friend took this picture early on the morning of Sunday December 3 at Club Red Sea in Subiaco. God bless alcohol. All the best for Christmas and the New Year.

Honestly one of the best boobs I have seen all year... -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Only in Montana.
Seen on the road between Billings and Roundup. --- A Dodge Omni standing up to the test!!! The elk is bigger than the car - notice the 2x6 supports he has so the roof doesn't cave in. Reminds me of a time in about 1961 I knew of a guy from Texas who went antelope hunting in Wyoming. The antelope traveled all the way from Wyoming to West Texas on the right fender of a 1951 Ford. :)

click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mr. Hankey
ORSM SIR! I made this, like I REALLY MADE this, then I took a picture and drew some stuff on it. It's my own personal Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo!
click to enlarge
Giorgos and Marcus wrote:
Subject: 260km/h in the german highway
Dear ORSM!!!!!!!!! I am a fun of ur site for a long time now and I want to share what a friend of mine and I, did some days ago. On the 20th of November I was driving with a friend of mine from Munich to Switzerland. My friend he has a SUBARU LEGACY 3.0 ltr/245hp.. Close to Lindau he fell like ... speeding a beat!!!!The first picture I took was on 250km/h. the second pic I took shows 260km/h. I think it would be something worth showing!!!!
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Darin Hurd wrote:
Subject: Picture for priceless
Orsm master, Here is a picture of a friends dog she taken for Christmas pictures. Didn't realize how "excited" the dog was until after they got them back. Enjoy.

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: grass
hi mr Orsm. here is are pics i took at work it is grass that looks like ribcages. greetings and thanks for all the hard word that go in to your site. ps. merry christmas to u and all the people that come to your web site.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Jansen wrote:
Subject: Get a Tazz ???
This vehicle was stolen, it was then in an accident. 3 cows were found inside, tied up and squashed in !! ---see the first and second photo. When the cows were removed the vehicle appeared as in photo 3 --- rear and passenger seat removed. The last photo shows the cows remarkably unscathed. Only in South Africa.
click for gallery
DtM wrote:
Subject: Fires in Vic
Mr Orsm... various photos from the fires that have been burning down Victoria for the last few weeks. Poor cunts. Nasty stuff.
click for gallery
David wrote:
Subject: Indy 2006
howdy. just in case you were watching too much of the race.. there was other action goin on around the track..........
click for gallery
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Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishees.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

ORSM VIDEO

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When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and A shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the Elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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2 INNOCENT...

Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky

Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky

A man in Perth phones his son in Sydney the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Perth immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME!?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife "Okay", he says "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

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After the annual office Christmas party, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Oh, Even worse," she assured him, her voice laden with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself! You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."

John looked up and replied, "He's a jerk! Piss on him!" "You did," Louise informed him. "And he immediately fired you."

"Well screw him and his whole board of directors," growled John. Louise quickly remarked, "John, I'm really glad you feel that way... because I did! You're back to work on Monday."

click here for more

This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of dollars to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.

Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. "No" says the man and goes on to explain why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "I will grant you three wishes on the understanding that you will do me a favour". "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!! Thank you, thank you!"

Father Christmas promises him that:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over.

After a quite brutal humping, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man. You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!" laughs the jolly fat gay bastard.

click here for more

Santa Claus has to be Gay! If you're not sure, look at some of these examples:

Christmas is a big, well organised, fully catered, decorated, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social beverage deal, and I have a tough time believing a straight man could possibly pull it all off!

"Fairy lights". What about those over-the-top decorations? A straight man cannot even organise a matching shirt and tie!

Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn't have time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day. But if you're a gay, out-of-work Actor/ Dancer/Waiter, it's the perfect gig until you get your big break.

Also, if Santa was straight, he would have picked an animal much more masculine than the reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the reindeer just happen to appeal to Santa's inherent sense of grace and beauty.

Speaking of masculine, my dear, what about those names for the reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen? You fill in the blanks.

Mrs. Claus has been married to him for eons yet he's never ever fathered a child with her. She's over-weight and still content. Why I hear you ask? Can you say "Fag-hag"?

Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He's Gay too! Come on, you have thought about it too. "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games." As if he wanted to. Besides, isn't Rudolph really only a metaphor for the Gay child living in a straight society anyway?

Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert at Christmas time? Well, now you know. And stop pretending you don't like it. Deep down inside, you've always liked fruitcake.

Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one-night trip!

And his outfit?? Red velvet with a white, fur collar? Black, knee high boots and a thick black paten leather belt. Just the attire all straight men rush to buy!

Darling, just think about it!!! Physically, he's a dream come true for the Chubby Chaser Club and the perfect "Bear" poster child.

Also, with his love of giving gifts, Santa's the perfect Sugar Daddy for all those old sad aging queens who don't like to work!

Which straight man has ever thought of using "stockings" to hide their candy?

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

Well that is that and not only for this update but for 2006! Hopefully you guys enjoyed this one and the previous 50 updates for the year and hopefully you'll be back for another 51 in 2007.

Again I would like to thank everyone who has supported Orsm.net this year. I've had a lot of fun running the site and there isn't another thing I would rather be doing. If everything goes to plan, next year will be the biggest year ever so make sure you drop in regularly.

If you find yourself bored over the holidays you should feel free to do the following:

- Check out the site archives because they are so big a whole new internet is being built just to handle them.
- Tell your friends to come check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll send Honer around to fuck your Christmas Turkey.
- Email me!

Until next year be good, get on the chems and have a safe and happy Christmas and New Year! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.12.14-11.51
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Serenity now... SERENITY NOW!!!

Seems like every night when I sit down to watch the news there is a story about someone having died on our roads and not surprisingly the West Australian road toll for this year is at 190-something... over 30 more than at the same time last year! Presumably that number is going to increase over the coming weeks with Christmas parties and New Years celebrations so before you jump in your car and drive like a moron or ply yourself with booze thinking "I'll just take the back streets home" you should take a look at this. Not pretty so keep it in mind next time you're on the roads!

Speaking of Christmas... maybe I haven't been watching enough TV but it feels like the advertising onslaught is distinctly less this year. The same applies for junk mail - I remember my letterbox filling up pretty much daily with reams of crap. I'm guessing it'll kick up a gear next week and probably not a bad thing considering I have not even thought about getting presents sorted yet...

We've [my family and I] been discussing how to do the present thing for a while now. We're all agreed everyone likes getting them but no one likes buying them. I'm not talking about the money side of things because that's what credit cards are for but fighting crowds and traffic for days on end when you're trying to get that special something for five, six, seven, eight-however many people drives me completely fucking insane.

So this year the plan is to do a Secret Santa - put everyone's name in a hat, draw one out and buy a prezzie for that person only. Quick, easy and the best part is I'll only have to mask my disappointment for one present and not five, six, seven, eight-however many...

Now on to tales of my life and the last week because as we all know that's the ONLY reason anyone comes here...

You guys have heard of Newbie Nudes right? Of course you have! Anyway myself and the genius behind it have been mates for the last few years but due to both living at opposite ends of the country never actually got around to meeting in person... until last Friday. So to mark the occasion we decided a big one was in order.

I got picked up around lunch time and we headed off to a little restaurant near the river. Good way to waste a few hours and get some alcohol into our systems. After that we did some touristy stuff, made a couple of other stops and before you know it 6pm had arrived which meant one thing - time to hit the booze.

Destination was my favourite bar in the city which was rocking nice and early. Had a fucking great time too. It was eight hours [also known as closing time], several rounds of "he's a pornographer" and plenty of beer, spirits and shooters before we finally called it a night and left there. And not before time - I was completely wrecked by that stage and glad to get home. All up it was a sensational way to spend a Friday.

The rest of the weekend was pretty cruisey. After a much required sleep-in I spent most of the day in 'no point exerting myself' mode fighting a slight hangover, did some groceries and then made the mistake of wasting one hour and thirty nine minutes watching Tokyo Drift. Terrible, terrible movie.

I was back to normal Sunday morning so I grabbed dog and we headed to the beach to meet some friends. Its a bit weird being down there an hour earlier than I normally would [day light saving and all] but with the weather so perfect at the moment it doesn't make that much difference - in other words chicks still wear bikinis. After that it was back home to do some cooking for a BBQ at a friends that evening. All up just an awesome weekend!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

How long have I been promoting Newbie Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Beach Godess - Cool Game - Hurts To Watch - Stupid Idea - Tasty Babes - Real Porn - Webcam Teen - Porn Blooper

Petra Nemcova - Flaming Head - Gorgeous - Lizard Porn - Run Arab Run! - So Painful - Amazing Blonde

Perfect Boobies - Celeb Nipples - Heather Graham - No Anal? - Pauly Shore KO'd - Teen Lesbians - Adrianna Lima

Click for more awesomeness

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
--
Did you hear about the social Cricket match between the Aussies and the Poms this week? The Australian team bus broke down on the way. The umpire... impatient old fart... decided to start the game without them so England elected to bowl first. Come lunch the Aussies FINALLY arrived and the Poms were still yet to take a wicket...

click here for more

One Monday morning a mailman was walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I've felt like moving since 4:00am Sunday. We had fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'"

The mailman thought a moment and said, "How do you play that?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughed and said, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded, "your name came up four or five times..."

ORSM VIDEO

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE FLESH LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee..."

click here for more

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile, picks up a greasy fork and returns to the blind man's table to hand it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great - I take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli please."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!?"

click here for more

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READER MAIL
With such a massive backlog of email that I never quite managed to squeeze into an update still kicking around I think now is probably as good a time as any to begin clearing it so get comfortable, grab a beer and prepare yourself for a massive Overflow.

If you'd like to submit to Orsm.net and have your tasty Ex, pics of your sweet ride, vids of you and your mates doing stupid shit, messed up jokes, or pretty much anything you've got lying around featured on the site then all you must do is click here and make the magic happen!

Joe wrote:
Subject: Song on "Boat vs. Bridge" vid
Hey Orsm, love the site.  The song on the "Boat vs. Bridge" vid is "Sailin' Home" by Piet Veerman (1987).  It was also recorded by Demis Roussos.  Weird how easy you can find something on the internet if you just... search, eh? Keep on keepin on, we love it down in Tennessee.

Got frickin' dozens of replies about this. Cheers to everyone who did so! -Orsm

Gary wrote:
Subject: Cricket
Hi Mate, Been viewing you site for quite a while now and always impressed. Not overly happy about the cricket gags this week though. You Aussies are rapidly becoming very Americanised in your sporting arrogance and that is a shame. I don't remember any gloating Englishmen on the site when we won the Ashes or the rugby world cup in your back garden. We in England know full well that Australia is a better sporting nation than us, we don't need gloating tossers reminding us of the fact every five minutes.

Nothing arrogant about it mate... all in good fun! -Orsm

Paul wrote:
Subject: The G20 thing
Hey Orsm still loving the site mate, wasn't gonna write you about your paragraph on the G20 summit a couple of weeks ago but it's been nagging at me since I read it, mainly the "ignorance is bliss" comment and having no idea what G20 is all about and not caring...

Interesting email but too long for the main page. Read the rest here. -Orsm

Adam wrote:
Subject: adelaide cookbook
Hey Mr Orsm, Cool site, I have been a fan for a while now. I have just finished a cook book for men. Man, What a Cookbook. It went on sale around Australia yesterday in Newsagencies yesterday. Let me know what you think.

Got my copy yesterday... full of recipes but more importantly - EXTREMELY hot bitches. Check it out. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: barcelona bimbo
Gidday. A street performer in Spain for your site if it's worthy. Apparently a senorita under the costume too, providing plenty of laughs for the tourists.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bitch
Dear Orsm, Please find attached photos of my Ex, who is trying to ruin me, this is just the start of my retaliation, once i have worked out how to put video tape on my pc you will have that to watch too. Dont display my details, cheers. p.s. once i have taken her to the cleaners, there will be more photos. Hasta luago
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: flipa-hoes
orsm, thanks for your site, it is in fact the shit. Just got back from the PI and thought you might like these pics from an orgy as itseemed to be. 1 sailor, 8 marines, and plenty of poon to go around. I recomend angeles city or manila to anybody looking to fullfill that little asian in them. urr yut.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Scott wrote:
Subject: Fridge Freezer on Push Bike
Hi ORSM, Just want to say great site, been a fan for a few years now, even the wife likes a look every now and then. keep up the goodwork..... Working in China, saw this bloke with a fridge freezer on the back of his push bike, this place is mad.
click to enlarge

Richard wrote:
Subject: Minky 3rd Picture
Hey Bro. There was a third picture in the series, don't know if you have seen it.

Spectacular. Original pics here and here. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Jason V wrote:
Subject: chicks i met online
i love the site bro. here are some photos of a chick i met online. so i'm a chubby chaser- big girls need lovin' to... please post- i've always wanted to contribute!
click for gallery
Darryl van Vrede wrote:
Subject: Eddies Speed trap
Another only in South Africa moment for you... What do you do when you travelling long distance and get tired? Stop, have a drink, set up two chairs, use the pump as a camera, resting on the wine box, and pull over cars for speeding. And have a good laugh........... Only South Africa
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Kylie photos
Photos from the Kylie concert in Perth - 7/12/06. Needless to say...we had shit-hot seats :)
click for gallery
john wrote:
Subject: Electrical Safety
Poor Mr. Bear... Not tryin' to gross anyone out, but thought this was worthy of passin' on Watch out for them high voltage wires.... & bears too. ;) This is what a Sprint tech found when he went to a cell site to check why there was no power.
click for gallery
Kevin wrote:
Subject: Train/Car
I thought you might like some of the pictures taken earlier this morning of a train/car accident. These photos were taken around 0100hrs in the morning.
click for gallery
M & d wrote:
Subject: mobile video - bootle slut
Hi Orsm - long time regular reader, first time contributor. Love the site! Just got hold of this video of a horny little scally slut from Bootle (Liverpool, UK) getting fucked - the soundtrack is brilliant! Enjoy!
click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops."

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' arse it won't be Coco Pops..."

ORSM VIDEO

TO DESCRIBE ALLSITESACCESS.COM IN ONE WORD: ABSOLUTELYFUCKINGFANTASTIC! CLICK HERE!

I was buying a large bag of dog food at and was in line to checkout when a woman behind asked if I had a dog. On impulse and thinking it was a stupid question, I told her no and that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't because I had ended up in hospital last time, but because I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in an intensive care ward, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms, I was willing to try it again.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with dog food biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no. I'd been lying in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

RANDOM SHITE
Got a pretty damn good one for you guys this week - light on the freaky and obscene but... actually... I'll let you guys figure it out for yourselves. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

click here for more

ALL HAPPENING BY THE POOL

Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa

Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa - Alissa

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, Grandpa, what is sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

click here for more

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God....!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit Creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," boomed the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed, and then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."

ORSM VIDEO

Click for more awesomeness

Can't believe I got this one together! I don't know if anyone will notice but there's a lot in this update and it was a mission sticking it all together so I'm completely stuffed. I guess what I'm trying to say here is if it sucks then the problem is most likely with you - maybe mummy didn't love you enough or the kids were mean to you at school... all I'm saying is take a look within...

I'm toying with the idea of a Wednesday update next week. Nothing definite just yet but if I can swing it then I'll probably do it so make sure you check the site next Wednesday. Failing that I'll be back Thursday for the LAST UPDATE OF 2006!!!!!

In the mean time you should feel free to do the following:

- Check out the site archives because they are so big Google complained about having to index them.
- Tell your friends to come check out ORSM-DOT-NET! otherwise Santa definitely wont be coming your way.
- Email me!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and drive safe. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.12.07-23.47
click here for more

Welcome to Orsm.net. Steve, could you move the Camira, I need to get the Torana out so I can get to the Commodore.

I really have to start again this week with the Ashes and by saying I was a little worried after the first couple of days and specifically the strong first innings by the Poms. They really did come out and dominate to the point it looked like the Aussies didn't have a chance of winning. Oh but how the worm turns.

It was Saturday when I started getting emails from English fans poking fun and telling me to eat my words and just as I was about to everything changed. Legendary Australian bowler Shane Warne stepped up and made a mockery of their batsmen and suddenly it went from un-winnable to we win... WE FUCKING WIN! After sweating it for those first few days I'm going to try and refrain myself from saying anything more on the matter until we win the third Test and take out the series and of course the previously mentioned gloating rights...

I usually try and stay away from anything political in my blog... mostly because I can't be bothered with the hate mail that comes my way afterwards but I'll make an exception this week by saying this was the single greatest week in Australian politics ever. Kym Beazley being ousted as the leader of the ALP was something I've been waiting and preying for for a long time. The possibility of Kym as Prime Minister would have been disaster for the country so good riddance to bad rubbish.

Daylight saving... I wasn't too sure if I'd like it but so far, so good. It's a bit weird still having light outside at 8.30pm but that said I've managed to cruise the coast four times since Sunday which is almost as many as I have done all year. In other words - I'm loving it!

The only one who seems to be struggling with it is my dog. She's a master of reading my patterns to the point of knowing what I'm going to do before I do it so she seems to get a bit annoyed when I sit down and watch the news... something I wouldn't do normally until after she's been walked and fed. Its kind of funny watching her walk in the room, stare [read: glare] at me, and walk out, then repeat every few minutes until I get up. I need to get her a watch...

Anyway moving on to me and my world... the last week has been absolutely manic - barely had a free moment to even scratch my arse but that comes with the time of year so I'm not complaining. Friday kicked off with a Dim Sum lunch with my cousin and a friend. Had a good time and definitely enjoying these Friday lunches I keep managing lately. By the way guess what I'm doing tomorrow...?

After that it was off to do some general Friday running around stuff and then back home to work until the weather cooled down a bit. Why did it matter how warm it was you ask? Well... this was the weekend that I finally dealt a critical blow against the never ending weed infestation around my house. As I constantly [and boringly] make mention every fucking week I've been going hard over the last month or two to get on top of them and I finally got to that point so I ordered a massive mountain of mulch and began laying it down. This exercise took me through most of Saturday as well and by the time I was finished over two cubic metres of weed blocking goodness adorned the gardens.

Went to a party thing on Saturday night which I ended up bailing quite early due to being so thrashed from the days efforts and woke up the next morning at 7am... or what I thought was 7am. Turned out that I'd forgotten to reset my clock for daylight saving which kicked in overnight. No biggie though - it was a perfect day out so I bailed dog in the car and we headed for the beach for the first time this summer. Good call too... the weather was spectacular and there were bikini clad chicks everywhere. I'm going to try and make it down there every weekend over the next few months.

After the beach jaunt it was back home to recommence gardening and in particular mowing the lawn followed by washing the car. I didn't end up finishing until around 7 and I was completely thrashed [again]. All up an extremely productive weekend. I got everything I wanted to do, done, and it's made me realise that there is no way I'm giving up my weekends this summer in the garden. Time to get the lawn mower guy to start coming back again...

Okay enough boring you guys with my blog and time to get this monster of an update cracking...

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Paris, Britney & Lindsay - Cool Game - Goth Godess - Glitch-spiracy - Thai Sluts - Jiggling Jubblies - Big Boobed

Webcam Cutie - Strip Searched - Black Christmas - Muslim Owned - Vida Guerra - Buff Bitch - RateMyPix!

Paris's Arse - Topless Babes - Crack Shot - Liquid Armour - Midget Fight - Oh Fergie - Big Crock - Eagle Family

Click for more awesomeness

I parked in a disabled space this morning and a parking inspector shouted to me, "Oi, what's your disability mate?" I said, "Tourettes you cunt, now fuck off!!!"
--
Paddy sits down to have lunch on the building site he has been working on. On opening his lunchbox he sees a wire sticking out from the sandwich inside. "Jesus, Mary Mother of God", he says, "it's a bomb". He immediately phones the police and tells them his problem. "Now just calm down Paddy" says the policeman at the other end, "What makes you think it's a bomb?" "Because it's got a wire sticking out of it", replies Paddy. "Is it ticking?" asks the policeman. "No it's beef!" replies Paddy.

click here for more

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital.

As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, "where are you and dad going?". The mother said "we're off to the hospital - your father has a beer nut caught in his ear!"

The boyfriend then asked "before you go can I try to dislodge it?" Before the father could agree the boyfriend had two fingers up his father's nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut.

The mother then says to the father "our daughter's boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up?" The father replies "by the smell of his fingers... our son-in-law!"

ORSM VIDEO

FLESHLIGHT... NOT AS CREEPY AS YOU THINK! I GOT MINE AND IT IS HONESTLY THE FUCKING
GREATEST THING EVER! CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT OUT.

THE CRICKET

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An all-rounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

click here for more

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READER MAIL
You guys have hammered me with email this week and it's something I'll love you all forever for, The best part is that there have been some stellar submissions that are sure to bring a few laughs and perhaps the odd arousal or two...

Anyway if you'd like to submit something to be ogled by millions then right up there on the hit list are pics of your Ex or current girl, jokes, anything and everything car related, videos of you and your mates doing retarded shit or whatever else it is that you have lying around! All you've got to do is click here and make the magic happen!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Daylight savings
As much as I enjoyed reading his email, AL hasn't a fucking clue. Try running a small business when everyone you rely on to conduct said business (suppliers, banks, national associations etc) have already fucked off home for the day by the time it hits 2pm in Perth. It is mind blowingly annoying to have to 'wait till tomorrow' every afternoon because every other prick in Australia operates on daylight savings time. So as much we in WA love to tell the Eastern Seaboard to fuck off by defying national trends and being different, this is a case of 'get in line or get fucked' - since no one else cares if we are out of sync. Its bad for businesses here in WA, end of story.
Mick wrote:
Subject: Daylight Saving
Dear AL, I think the sand over there in WA ( Wankers Anonymous ) is seriously clogging up your brain dude.The reasons you have put forward for rejecting daylight savings have even the Tasmanians laughing their sox off! Did you know AL, that your state and QLD are the only TWO states in this fine country that dont have daylight savings?? So, that puts your intelligence level equal to that of the "Banana Benders" !!! HOW FUCKING FUNNY !!! And to quote you; "If you want daylight savings, get up an hour earlier ", mate, thats something i would expect from a 4th grader at my local " Sheltered Workshop" ! There are many benefits to Daylight Saving, most of all, spending those extra daylight hours at the beach, perving on those hot `n horny European Backpackers!....or, maybe AL, you're too butt-ugly to pick up chicks, and thats why you want it darker earlier??

Lars wrote:
Subject: Boat versus Bridge
Hi Mr Orsm, Really like you site! Been following for years now. I have one question, you have a video on your site called "Boat versus Bridge" where the boat gets demolished by the bridge. I thought this video was cool but what really got my attention is the song that is played during the sketch. Would you do me a favor and give me the title of this song and the genius that sings it!! He really impressed me with his terrific voice. What to hear more about him.

Got tonnes of emails asking about this and I have absolutely no idea. Anyone know? Email me. -Orsm

Biggest Fan wrote:
Subject: Minky van der Westhuzen
Hi ORSM. Here is some pics of South African model Minky van der Westhuizen in a bubble bath. Great site!!! Please do not show my details!

She gorgeous! I demand to see more!!! -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge
Jason wrote:
Subject: Christmas Ham Ready to Glaz
Love ur site, you've got everything a person could want to look at or laugh at- keep up the GREAT work. This is a pic of a good friend of mine being a dick (excuse the pun) & mucking around with a ham net- I'm told it was as painful as it looks. He's usually a very 'normal' guy. I've got a whole new view of christmas hams now. Merry Christmas all & a Safe & Happy New Year.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: One hell of a night
Just thought you might enjoy this pic. It is the morning after Darwin's Annual hookers Ball and my gf went as a dominatrix complete with riding crop. This is her butt the following morning.............. Thanks and enjoy, I know I did!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: H2 HUMMER WITH 28INCH WHEELS
THERE'S A H2 HUMMER WITH 28 INCH WHEELS ON THE CENTRAL COAST OF NSW ALL GENUINE HERE'S A PIC NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD

Wicked machine but needs some serious lowering! -Orsm

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Adsy wrote:
Subject: Yellow pages on-line bloop
Go to yellowpages.com.au. For business type put: oriental food. and for location put: WA. check the results.

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Trevor wrote:
Subject: Funny Police Pic
Hey ORSM, Let me start with the standard "Great site!" and "I've been jackin off to it for x amount of years" crap. Then, I wanted to send you a picture of a local Police officer's motor cycle.
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TREVETTE wrote:
Subject: THANKS FOR MAKING ME WORLD KNOWN
THANKS AGAIN MR. ORSM FOR MAKING ME FAMOUS ALL OVER THE WORLD I HOPE EVERYONE LIKES MY PIC I SENT IN I HOPE U DO TO HERES ANOTHER PIC FOR THE ICEMAN SINCE THIS IS HIS FAVORITE ONE THOUGHT U MIGHT LIKE IT TOO ENJOY.... THIS IS BETTER THEN PLAYBOY AT LEAST I CAN GET ON HERE. THANKS AGAIN HUN....XOXO VETTE
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hot wife
thought might like these please hold info cheers GREAT SITE

Looks a little older than I like them but cheers for contributing... setting a good example for all the other bastards who haven't!! -Orsm

click for gallery click to watch video
Yok wrote:
Subject: Cockroach Sambal Anyone?
Take note of what you order from our local Indian Muslim restaurants, especially the one near the post office in Damansara Jaya. A colleague and I were shocked to find a cockroach in our nasi lemak yesterday morning. To be precise it was in the sambal or chilli paste. The worst part of it all was that the shop owner even after clearing our plates continued to sell the dish to other patrons.
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Some Stooge wrote:
Subject: Burnout - with attitude!
A few pics from Sat night's Brett Steven's burnout down in the Snake pit ... Thing caught on fire, Brett kept the boot in ...... Guy is a champ !!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mobile Phone Cameras
Hi Orsm, Long time lurker first time that I have submit something. Please no details posted. Apparently some guy in Adelaide left his phone on his desk at work. One of his work mates downloaded everything off the phone an came across his lovely girlfriend. My brother forward it onto me so I thought I would forward it onto you. Thought you might enjoy. From a fellow West Aussie. :P
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A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul. So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE, PAUL.

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE, MUM.

ORSM VIDEO

GET YOUR ALL ACCESS PASS TO 16 REALITY PORN SITES FOR JUST $5! CLICK HERE NOW!!

A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was on heat, and to see Dad." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go round the block once."

The little girl left, but returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home!"

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PICTURESQUE

China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China

China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, Cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods!

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RANDOM SHITE
Did you think last weeks RS was good? You aint seen nothing yet baby! I proudly present you one of the best. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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An elderly man in East Texas had owned a large farm for several years.  He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

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TASTY TEEEEEEN

Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika

Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika - Vika

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"  

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug user asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor. "NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?" "NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag.

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor "Your mother must have been a carrier!"

click here for more

A guy got on a plane and found himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turned to her and made his move? "You know," he said, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"Okay," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy was dumbfounded. Finally he replied, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me, then" said the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

ORSM VIDEO

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Finished! And I can honestly say that this update was a shit load of fun to do. The content is pretty damn good [if I do say so!] and everything went to plan and fell into place exactly how it should - all of which makes a nice change from the norm...

Anyway I'm quite enjoying these short goodbyes so I'll finish pretty much how I did last week by saying...

- Check out the site archives because they fucking rock.
- Next update is next Thursday - the same as it is every week.
- Tell your friends to come check out ORSM-DOT-NET! or I will knife them all.
- Email me!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and sucked in Kym. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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