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December 2013...
orsmupdate 2013.12.19-19.33
Boobies

Welcome to... something something Christmas.

Was really starting to feel like this day would never come but finally, here we fucking are. Thank god for that and thank god the year is practically over because its felt like I've been under siege for the entire thing. Obviously, for whatever reason, there's a lot of what goes on in and around my little world that doesn't end up being blogged but if it did you I'm sure everyone would agree its been drama after cluster fuck after fail after calamity after fuck up. Does that make it a bad year? No. Could it have been better? Ohhh abso-fucking-lutely!

Achievements... starting the house build was the main one. Sure it was 18 whole months after deciding we wanted to build but in 10 years who will care... right? I focussed hard on improving my health too. After shedding craploads of fat over the last few years I felt like my health suffered so making sure my intake was better as well as quitting the cigs has my body much, much happier. Best part is/was not getting frequent colds and flus as was the case last year. Unachievements... I wouldn't have minded [even a tiny bit] more downtime. Having a week away in April was good and a couple of days off here and there helped but the stress of building plus the enormous workload of this site plus the insanity of family plus I can't even remember half the other shit which required time and attention, are all getting too much. Very rare to have a day where nothing is on or something needs doing or whatever and there's never a chance to sit back and enjoy anything. Definitely a habit I aim to break.

As is the tradition on the Christmas update, lets run through a few interesting Orsm stats. Beginning with the videos, don't ask me why but a loop called 'riding the longest cock' had over 300k views. Do you guys like cock or just wanna see how you compare...? Second and third most popular were this and this. Image galleries next and it appears that the ideas of girls with dogs really appeals to you little sickos because this got over 175k visits with public flashing and wet t-shirts responsible for countless masturbations also. 2500 people found Orsm by searching for 'aboriginal porn' and some even got here Googling 'uncircumcised creampie' and 'worlds biggest human vagina'. Definitely something to hang my hat on. For me the most baffling stat is browsers - Chrome and Internet Explorer are almost tied. Do yourself a favour and switch to Chrome. IE is a giant pile of whatever male infertility feels like. And finally, whilst 110M visitors over the past year is incredibly impressive, I have absolutely no idea what the real number is because apparently I fucked up the tracking somehow. Oh and the stat I'm most proud of is that today's update is the 51st consecutive update. Aside from the week or two I take off over Christmas every year, the last time that didn't happen was 2009.

Massive-huge-ridiculously-gigantic-OTT thanks to everyone who contributed to Orsm. And by that I mean filling my inbox regularly or just surfing by. Its all greatly appreciated... even though I'm terrible at replying to emails.

The next few weeks are supposed to be my time but there seems to be an orchestrated effort by friends and fam to hijack it. No fucking way, fuckers. I'm contemplating buying the cheapest PS3 model [no PS4 stock available until next year!] so I can sit in my jocks, downstairs where its cool and play games for days at a time whilst gorging on delicious, high calorie junk food. As for Christmas Day... already not looking forward to it. Exactly the same antics we go through every year are well under way and I have to just grin and bear it for the sake of keeping the peace. FMF.

Alright lets get on with the last update for the year. It's a monster and I'm exhausted from the hours that went into putting it all together. Almost forgot - there's a bunch of Easter eggs up and down this page. Check it...

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Demented - Megadeth Xmas - Badass Bitch - Surely Not - Santa's Brawl - Brooklyn's Nip - Club Babes - Ugly Tits

What A Tool - Think Twice - XMAS Fuck - Dick Queen - Stupidity - Bath-gasm - What A Bod - Naked Gift - LOVE Her

Side Boobie - Hot Camslut - Throat Fuck - Up Yours! - Get It Off - Eat Boot!! - Trip Balls - Orgas-umm - Disturbing

What do black kids get for Christmas? Your bike.
--
Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said "Let's hope it's not the 13th then".
--
This year, I hosted Christmas Dinner for family, far and wide, and everyone was encouraged to bring all the children and grandchildren as well. During dinner, my four-year-old granddaughter stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet waiting for her response. My little granddaughter said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish".
--
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble any more.
--
A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?" "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says. "No... Barbie cums with GI Joe! She only fakes it with Ken..."
--
I asked the wife what she wanted for Christmas. "A divorce" she said. "I wasn't thinking of spending that fucking much" I told her...
--
The four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus; 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus; 3) You are Santa Claus; 4) You look like Santa Claus.
--
The kids today don't know they're born. Not like us when we were young. We were so poor in our house that on Christmas morning, if you didn't wake up with an erection, you had bugger all to play with!

ORSM VIDEO


Ashley Madison - Have an affair. Married Dating, Affairs, Married Women, Extramarital Affair

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an Xbox One with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones

--

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas, Santa Claus

--

Mr Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully, Tim Jones

--

Mr Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry-bin most days.

Very Truly Yours, S Claus

--

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

--

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mum's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

--

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

--

Timmy,

That's what I thought you little cunt.

Santa

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS

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DIARY OF AN AUSSIE RECENTLY MOVED TO THE US

DECEMBER 8
It's started to snow. The first of the season, and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was BEAUTIFUL!

DECEMBER 9
We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk, and the neighbour's walk. Later the snowplough came along and covered up our walks with compacted snow from the street so I shovelled them again.

DECEMBER 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get some more before the lovely winter is through.

DECEMBER 14
It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20 degrees below zero. Shovelled the driveway and the sidewalk again and the snowplough came by and did its trick again.

DECEMBER 15
Sold my van and bought a 4 x 4 blazer so I can drive in the snow. Bought snow tires for wife's car.

DECEMBER 16
Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. All that was hurt was my feelings.

DECEMBER 17
Still cold (below zero in the a.m.) and icy roads make for very tough driving.

DECEMBER 20
Had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shovelling in store for me today. The goddam snowplough came by twice.

DECEMBER 22
We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 inches of the white shit fell today, and with this freezing weather it won't melt till August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jump suit, heavy jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) and then I got the urge to pee.

DECEMBER 23
I was going to go ice fishing today but my worms froze and I didn't want the fish to break their teeth on my bait.

DECEMBER 24
If I ever catch the son of a bitch that drives that snowplough I'll drag him through the snow by the balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street 100 miles per hour and throws snow all over what used to be my lawn.

DECEMBER 25
Merry Christmas. They predict 20 more inches of the white stuff tonight. Do they know how many shovels full of snow 20 inches is? To hell with Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white shit. The snowplough driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with the snow shovel.

DECEMBER 26
We got 28 inches and then some. I must be going snowblind or have a severe case of cabin fever because the wife is starting to look good to me.

DECEMBER 27
The toilet froze. If you go outside don't eat the brown snow.

DECEMBER 28
I set fire to the house. Now that white shit won't cling to the roof!

ORSM VIDEO


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Peter woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Mary" he moaned "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse" she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete fool of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face".

"He's an arsehole" Peter said. "I could piss on him". "You did" came the reply. "And he fired you!"

"Well, fuck him" said Peter. "I did" said Mary. "That's why you're back at work on Monday".

THE GIRLS OF CHRISTMAS

christmas porn christmas porn christmas porn

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time" that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child". In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed" and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumoured to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election. As well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments" which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

RANDOM SHITE: CHRISTMAS EDITION

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READER MAIL

Contemplated ditching the mail and saving it until next we meet but with no updates for a couple of weeks I wanted to make sure you fuckers had enough to keep yourselves occupied. That's just the kind of awesome human being I am. Round of applause anyone...? How about cash donations then??

Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend or a slutty ex? Want to show the world your bob's? Got messed up videos? A funny joke? An UNfunny joke? A big "fuck you Orsm you fucking fuck"? Random pictures? A golden ticket? Herpes? Got an attitude? An idea? Feeling abusive? Want to proposition me? Serenade me? Play with my dick? Suck my dick? Lick my dick? Sit on my dick? Grope my dick? Cover my dick with chocolate? Cover my dick with chocolate AND pralines? Send them my way! Send them ALL my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions of people from other countries, communities, counties, municipalities, shires, suburbs, states, locales, regions, planets, dimensions and so on for years to come. All you must do is click here and send, send send!

Brett wrote:
Subject: New full trailer for new movie Deflection
Hi Mr Orsm, Thought you may be interested in the new trailer for our upcoming horror film "Deflection". Thanks

Mike wrote:
Subject: NYC Traffic Agents can't ticket Muslims (parking)
Have we had just about enough of the BS... Come on people WAKE UP. OK all you people who thought that these Muslims are only causing problem in Spain – France etc. WELL WAKE UP AND SMELL THE DONKEY CRAP

Paige wrote:
Subject: Travel Filth
What $5 will get you in terms of a hotel in India.

It's India... -Orsm

xitz wrote:
Subject: Something BIG Out There!
Pic taken on Monday night between Dunsborough - Busselton....near Siesta Park. It's a big bite ....

I guess its better that they eat eachother than eat us... -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: funny pic
Great site. Thought I would share pic of a sale at a Canadian Super Store. Withhold address please.

BARGAIN. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Brian wrote:
Subject: A Picture Of Just How Big Australia Actually Is.
Just a little map that you may find rather interesting .. AMAZING I never thought about it like that. . This gives you a good idea of how big "Australia" actually is! ...
click to enlarge

Paul Mick wrote:
Subject: Emailing
America at it's best.

Sad... but ingenious! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Alex wrote:
Subject: Error 104
Hey dude I'm about to neck myself your web sites down!!!

Rule #1 of running your own website: fuck ups dont happen until about 10 minutes after you've gone to bed. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nice Pix
Obama and Mrs at Mandela's funerla shindig. Check out Mrs. O's reaction to the floozie Danish PM's overtures on Mr. O. The look on her face is killah!!! As for the toothpaste toon, you will never look at toothpaste the same again. Hide my deets please.
click to enlarge

Colin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Honesty is the best policy...

As long as we can all agree that 'things' go in mouths then I'm good with it. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny stop sign
Saw this on the street today. Please hide my details.
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Rick wrote:
Subject: Forgot the Lipstick
Don't you just hate it?? ... You get all dressed up ....hot to trot!!!... then you catch yourself in a mirror and REALISE... you forgot the lipstick...the whole look gone to custard right there!!!!

Oddly this looks like my friend Ray [before he put on the weight]... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I saw this on the side of a car this morning and took a pic. Kinda gross really.
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Mike wrote:
Subject: priceless!!!
Toilet signage at hotel ________________

*Photo taken in an alternate dimension. -Orsm

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David wrote:
Subject: Flys eyes
Flys eyes with a twist.

DUDE WTF IS THAT THING? -Orsm

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Ross wrote:
Subject: tool sale
Christmas Pressie Ideas

Truth in advertising... -Orsm

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Kel wrote:
Subject: CHICKEN WIRE.
Born in Nairobi, Kenya, Ivan spent his childhood in Africa, England, Wales and Germany . When not outside enjoying the natural environment, Ivan was drawn to all forms of artistic expression, and began drawing birds and African wildlife. As an adult, Ivan worked mostly in construction, but art was always an important part of his life. Ivan would spend all of his spare time learning about art, experimenting and trying to explore each medium to its potential. Ivan exhibited his sculpture and paintings in group exhibitions at the Guildhall Grantham, before emigrating to Australia in 1994. He now lives in the Gold Coast Hinterland.

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R.W. Rick wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Canadian Snow Humour
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Clinton wrote:
Subject: MY HOTT ASS WIFE
MY FINE WOMAN SHOWIN ME HER PRETTY UPSKIRT FAT PUSSY...FROM H TOWN TEXAS...LOVE YOUR SITE...

Nice vagina. -Orsm

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Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: 25 Celebrities when they were young...
25 famous celebrities when they were much much younger. Some still look similar, some are pretty much unrecognisable and some are just flat out shockers!

Hellen Mirren!! -Orsm

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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Photos found in an old camera in South Africa

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psycheman wrote:
Subject: 3 times in 3 minutes
Mr. Orsm, Here's one for you, wonder what kind of vitamins this guy takes?

click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Exploding Target
A friend brought this over to "try out" we had never messed with the stuff before but I guess that we got it right, it is just too bad that he was not a better shot than he was as I had to be the one to shoot it! Please with hold details.
click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Little Bugger's Got The Moves
All he needs is a tune...

DOn't know why but this creeps me out a bit. -Orsm

click to watch video

ian wrote:
Subject: Fucked up 'rapper'
This guy has lost the fuckin plot mate.

Yes... yes he has. -Orsm

click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: In Too Deep
Went too deep into enemy territory. No details please. Nice work sir.

That awkward moment when... you lose a dildo up your ass and need medical attention to remove it. -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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ORSM VIDEO

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS...

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone,and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

CAMEL TOES ARE JUST WHAT I NEEDED!!

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John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a really bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him into the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly.... there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour".

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued... "May one inquire as to what the turkey did?'


A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says "Okay, Mrs Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings". The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess".

The mother says "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

DON'T SPEED... YOU MIGHT MISS ONE OF THESE GIRLS IN CARS...

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Dear Sir,

Listen, you little pricks, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my 2014 resolution/wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Veterinarian and schoolteacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a webmaster!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years - I think I deserve it.

Okay, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie
Dreamhouse, Malibu, CA

RANDOM SHITE #2

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After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their t-shirt messages and instil in them a love for learning".

"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.  You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play and how to register to vote, balance a chequebook and apply for a job".

"You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and ensure that they all pass their final exams".

"You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card".

"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

"You want me to do all this, and then you tell me... I CAN'T PRAY, or wear a little cross, or say "Merry Christmas" because someone might take offence?"

HITTING THE THROAT VAGINA

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A young man called Paul wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present and as they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

Dear Maria,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love, Paul

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

Well that's it and that's me for the year. It was definitely an effort getting here so hopefully the thousands of hours I spent chained to the PC putting updates together were worth it. If not then you're probably not reading this so "FUCK YOU" to all those people.

-Check out the site archives. We got Christmas updates going back to the early 2000's.
-Next update will NOT be next Thursday. Aiming to be back on the 2nd of Jan. If not, maybe the 9th!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will report you to Facebook for tagging him in Christmas related posts. That's not his religion and he shouldn't be forced to suffer it you know!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, get on the chems, drink a fuckload but don't be a dickhead on the roads. Enjoy. Mr. Krampus.

orsmupdate 2013.12.12-19.40
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Vinegar strokes.

Aaaand summer. I'm training myself for extreme heat exposure. Writing this it's a mild 36deg and I'm trying to resist the urge to switch on the a/c. Why? Because it's an oversized and grossly inefficient electricity guzzler designed to cool a large area of which I only occupy a fraction. Also, its old and barely makes the slightest impact. Also I'm a cheap cunt who would rather avoid those $1000 power bills everyone seems to wear as a badge of honour. Now to try and convince the 3 others in the house to do that same. Suffering by example proving to be far less effective than I'd hoped though...

Moving on. I wish the great Nelson Mandela had lived forever because I cannot take the endless media coverage. Seriously gimme a break. How many Africans do we need to see dancing in the streets or interviews with past leaders who met him way back when? He had a presence - we get it! Nelson Mandela factored in my world probably as much as I did in his so continuous, inescapable coverage cheapened the whole thing by turning it into more of a circus than dignified farewell. But hey, at least lots of people got all expenses paid trips to Africa to say adios, fucker.

The next dominating topic around here is sharks. Following the death of yet another surfer a couple of weeks ago everyone has gone into opinion mode after the gov announced there would be a cull. Half the people seem to think there should, the other say that we're going into their environment and know the risks. True but I wonder how many surfers, half way down a sharks throat, would agree? I've got plans to smash the beach at every opportunity this summer and it would be better without the fear that Jaws is going to om nom my pudgy bits. That fear however might not be quite as full on if it weren't for the aerial patrols, media scaremongering and unnecessary beach closures. All things to help protect people, all things which raise their anxiety. The sharks have always been there its just now that we can see them.

Okay let's do what's been happening in my sheltered life; beginning with Friday which was the 1 year anniversary of dog passing away. Was pretty conscious of not wanting to unnecessarily overdo it so we got up early, drove to the old-new house and walked the route I used to take her each morning. From there was a whole bunch of typical Friday activities, all of which not worth mentioning. That night, the community show thing which gets a mention here annually. Can't work it out exactly but somewhere around the fourteenth time we've been. Plenty of white trash, greasy food and an awesome fireworks show always make for a good night.

Saturday was a bit crazy. Woke up shit-the-bed early and got moving immediately. The mission was to move a few hundreds leftover bricks from one building site to the house build which would save having to buy them. The very short version of this is it required two loads, with a break in between the loads to go home, shower and punch out a dim sum thing with extended not my family who are in town. The deal was if I do it then I won't have to attend the other dinners etc. Anyway as I was saying - it took a ridiculous fifteen vehicle movements and over 150 kilometres by the time I was done. The day wasn't over there though. The rest of the afternoon was soaked up by a whole bunch of cooking for the following days activities.

Awoke just as early Sunday. If anyone knows why I wake up pre-5am on weekends and give myself an extra hour during the week please let me know. No doubt there's some completely obvious biological explanation. I spent a few hours working on this very update before prying the GF from her slumber. From there we headed down to the dog beach for a walk. Probably her favourite place in the world and one that we used to visit every single summer weekend. Had been worried about suffering some sort of emotional breakdown but ended up being a nice thing to do. Returned home to make the most of a few spare hours. I put this time towards washing the car. Absolutely no signs of the dust attack from the nearby building site abating and like Beliebers, its just something I'll have to live with. Next for the day was family Christmas. It's impossible to get all the cousins and whatever rellies together on the actual day anymore because everyone is married and have commitments so there's just no way to do it so we try and catch up beforehand. All came together better this year because they've been planning it for 12 months. Anyway it was one of the better ones. No bullshit. No ego's. No dramas. Just a bunch of people happy to be spending time with one another whilst consuming substantial quantities of high-calorie food amongst the raucous noise of an inestimable number of kids. And that was about it. Xmas family commitments are now one third over.

Oh before I forget... some of you guys had been having issues with the video player. I've had a programmer code a fallback to the old player so -hopefully- that will cover enough people that everyone can watch the videos. You can access the old player with the big text link below the video you're trying to watch. [Please note that it uses a cookie to remember your preference]. If you still have issues then please drop me an email with browser and version, operating system and the exact problem.

Alllllright enough. Did that make good reading? Of course it did/didn't. so lets move on with a brand new update. Not much point me trying to sell it because as you guys are about to find out, its fucking amazing. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Mummy Mojo - Ruin The Mood - It's Gone!! - Kill The Rich - Scary - Brilliant - Naked Motion - Sophie Howard - Super Toe

Secret Is Out - Big Titties - Dirty Rats - Sloppy - Suck Shit - Not Normal - No Creampie - Decembeaver! - Overshare

Wants It - Split'er - LOL Ooops - Ho's Down - Stabbed - Sha Rizel - Stimulating - See Thru - Selfishies - Miley Claus

Silently I slipped the condom over my erect cock and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared in wide eyed disbelief, then breaking the nervous silence I spoke "Yes that seems to fit okay, I'll take the whole packet please"...
--
Nigella Lawson, off her tits, snorting coke? Don't care. Nigella Lawson, snorting coke, off her tits? You have my attention...
--
Bloke goes to the doctors with a golf ball stuck up his arse, the doctor takes a look and says "Fuck me, that's gone up a fairway!!"
--
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda". There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..". "Oh God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me". "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned". "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee".
--
These three old girls and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tillie, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.

ORSM VIDEO


THE GOOD WIFE GUIDE

This is an actual extract from a home economics textbook printed in the early 60's...

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he is late home for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, He is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.

Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal, clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offer as he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women's interests are often rather trivial compared to men's.

At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband's breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion. Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your promise to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any more of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply you night time face and hair products.

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

BODY PAINTED

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THE MODERN WOMAN

But oh how things have changed. Now lets look at a some more relevant to today's world...

Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and give him an opportunity to change your mood.

Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the cosmetics counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.

Minimise the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarise him with the phrase "Girls Night Out!"

The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact" she says "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything". He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation...

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf.

Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego. But, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see" she tearfully sobs "I'm a transvestite". He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry" she repeats. "You bastard!" he screams, red in the face "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the ladies tees all week!!"

WE LIKE THE PANTIES

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HOW TO SPEAK LIKE AN AUSTRALIAN

COMPLIMENTS
"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue".
"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe".
"A better man never stood in two shoes!"

YES
"Does a fat dog fart?"
"Even Blind Freddy could see it".
"Is the Pope a Catholic?"
"Does a Koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a Cockatoo?"
"Bloody oath!"
"No wuckin' forries".
"Is a frog's arse watertight?"
"Does a duck's bum pucker in a power dive?"

NO
"Pig's arse!!"
"Do chickens have lips?"

ASSORTED
"Drilling for Vegemite". (Anal sex)
"I'll have a super". (I'll have a beer)
"Make mine an unleaded". (I'll have a light beer)
"Going off like a frog in a sock". (try to picture this one)
"Like throwing a sausage down a hallway" (bad sex with a loose girl)
"Like trying to put a marshmallow in a coin slot" (sex after a few too many beers)

I'M HUNGRY
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies".
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey".
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich".
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair".
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck".

I'M THIRSTY
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger".
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty".
"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay".
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat".
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards".
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart".

I NEED TO GO FOR A PEE
"Gonna drain the dragon".
"My back teeth are floating".
"Need to syphon the python".
"I got to take a snake's hiss".
"Gotta go have a slash".
"Gonna go water a horse".
"I'm off to drain the main vein".
"Time to splatter the bladder".
"I'm dying for a piss so bad I can taste it".
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend".

I NEED TO DO A POO
"I gotta go give birth to a politician".
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl".
"I've got to drop the kids off at the pool"
"Off to the bog to leave an offering".
"Time to snap off a grogan".
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave".
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie".
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door".
"I'm going to give birth to your twin".
"Need to choke a brown dog".
"I've freed Nelson Mandela".
"Taking out the garbage".
"I gotta back one out".
"Gonna lay some cables"
"Off for a James Hird"
"I'm touching cloth"
"The turtle is poking his head out for a look"
"Spray painting the Duck Bluey"

VOMIT
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning".
"I left him a lawn pizza".
"Toss a tiger on the carpet".
"Having a technicolour yawn".
"Say hello to Ruth"

INSULTS
"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders".
"Not enough brains to give himself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull".
"You must be the world's only living brain donor".
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm".
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard".
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down".
"Face like a bashed crab".
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down".
"He's got a few roo's loose in the top paddock".
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery".
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a hat full of arseholes".
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards".
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can".
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground".
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse".
"Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties".
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition".
"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack".
"Seen better heads in a piss trough".
"You're as handy as shit on a stick".
"Tighter than a fish's arse".
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him".
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp".
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon".
"Fucked in the head".
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie".
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door".
"Mate, shes as rough as a pigs breakfast".
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot".
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle".
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times".
"She's two pick handles wide".
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag".
"As ugly as a bag of spanners".
"You've got a head like a dropped pie".
"He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away".
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job".
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it".
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs".
"As thick as two short planks!"
"Oxygen Thief"
"What a pog"  (pog = pig dog)
"Shit for brains"

GIRLS LICKING GIRLS BOOBS

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ORSM VIDEO

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern, the husband leans over and asks his wife... "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you". "Yes" she says "I remember it well".

"Okay" he says "How about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake". "Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea" she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks I've got to see this - two old-timers having sex against a fence... I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them...

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhh, God" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed, he thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together... is there some sort of secret?

"No, there's no secret" the old man says "Fifty years ago that darn fence wasn't electric".

something about chloe says daddy issues... and thats okay!

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The Banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a mail order bride.

Being a good friend, the Banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The Banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said "She'll be twenty-one in November".

Now the Banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the Banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the Banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the Banker. Tom proudly said, "Great! She's pregnant!"

The Banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said "She's pregnant too!"

Don't ever underestimate old guys.

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A married couple in their early 60's are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish".

The wife answered "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband".

The fairy waved her magic wand and -POOF!- two  tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and -POOF!- the husband became 92 years old.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female...

PURE DELICIOUS FAT

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A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month". The priest tells the sinner "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's".

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months". This time the priest asks "Who is "Fannie Green?" A new woman in the neighbourhood" the sinner replies. "Very well" says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's".

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".

RANDOM SHITE

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Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A GENDER CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS".

GIRL NEXT DOOR: HOLLY WEBSTER

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A guy walks into a truck stop with a stunned look on his face. He makes his way to the counter and sits down. The waitress comes over and asks "Can I help you?" the man just sits there with a blank stare on his face, then he spits and says "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"

Well, the waitress is offended by this and leaves. She comes back about 10 minutes later and asks again "Can I help you now?" The man replies by spitting and saying "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"

The waitress storms off and gets the manager. The manager comes up to the guy, grabs him by his collar and says "What seems to be the problem here?" The man spits and says "Mother Fucker sure can drive!" The manager tells him "Look this is a nice, respectable place, maybe if you could explain, who can drive and what you are talking about, I won't have to throw you out".

The man looks up at the manager and says "Well, I was in my 18 wheeler and I had this nineteen year old green horn kid driving, we were coming down the old mountain road, when I saw this traffic jam down in front of us so I told the kid, if you can get us out of this alive I'll suck your dick! *SPIT* AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER SURE CAN DRIVE!!"

ORSM VIDEO


Well it seems my work here is done and about that I am happy. No doubt you may have some questions so read on and be awed that they are answered below...

-Check out the site archives. Hundreds of thousands of updates just like that one you've ingested conveniently located in one place.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Last one for the year bitches!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will cancel Christmas. He's all-powerful like that. Just ask him - he'd be happy to tell you...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and tear down the walls. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.12.05-19.33
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. You run to paradise.

I might be the only person wearing a jumper [sweater] at the moment and whilst everyone in the northern hemisphere sees no problem with that whatsoever, I should point out that the temp is currently 30 degrees here. Hearing that, it would probably surprise no one if I was a skinny, weedy little fag but clearly I'm just the opposite. Especially the fag bit. Definitely looking forward to what happens when the hot weather onslaught hits. I imagine there'll be a fair amount of bitch and moan expressed but lucky for everyone, I'm taking a couple-of-week break from this motherfucker over Xmas. That means just 2 more updates for the year. Come to think of it you can probably expect that little tidbit to get a few more mentions also...

Next. Today or tomorrow [depending on if you go by day or date] is a year since my dog died. Really can't believe it's been that long already but at the same time feels like almost forever. Without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever gone through which seems stupid and selfish considering I'm not the one who died. Ah grief you little bitch.

Of the several things I wanted to achieve since that happened all I've managed was to throw some of her tennis balls in when the concrete foundations were being poured on the new house. Got some strange looks from workers for that one. Had also intended to scatter her ashes at the dog beach last summer but still find it far more comforting to keep them close. The box containing her remains sits on the floor next to the fridge which is where I think she would sit were she still alive. Never managed to read any of the emails you guys sent me either. There were craploads and still have them all but not ready to go there yet.

As for getting another dog. We look occasionally and even made some enquiries on a mature German Shep a few months back but doesn't really suit the current living arrangements... and the fact I'm very conscious of not wanting to replace her. Maybe I'm overthinking it and maybe four new legs would be just what I need. Time will presumably tell.

Moving on to all what's been going on around here and beginning with Friday which was a work Christmas party. Not mine of course - not many parties for porn webmasters around here. The GF had hers in the city and it ended up being a fascinating journey back into time. Firstly, one of the attendees was a teacher from my old high school. Never had the guy for any classes but he was actually pretty cool and some interesting conversation was had. Mostly along the lines of "Whatever happened to such and such?" "Is that woman who taught whatever subject still there?" "Mr. That Teacher was a giant douchebag - is he still alive?" and so on. Next up was a guy I remembered from when I was very young. Like single digits young. His mum was my kindergarten teacher and they lived down the street from us. She was one of those cool teachers you never forget so huge spinout to come across him. Always a huge novelty for me when I go out and randomly come across people like that. Last time it happened was a few months ago - boys night out in the city and ran into my boss from the chicken shop I worked at aged 13. Can't imagine who its going to be next. Definitely a few people I'd be happy avoiding so one of them is bound to popup eventually...

Miraculously woke up completely hangover free on Saturday. Decided it was finally time to start Xmas shopping so headed out to do that. Arrived back home 90 minutes later having being completely unsuccessful. Only really have one person to buy for so it should be easy but typical first world problem - too spoiled for choice and can't make up my mind. Rest of the day was various house-related other activities all too boring to list.

Sunday began with exercise along the coast before heading home to spend the next 3 hours in the kitchen with my 2 offsiders cooking up a storm. With sweet fuck all happening I seized the opportunity to wash the car. Talk about your massive wastes of time because now, Thursday, despite not having gone anywhere since that afternoon, the car is filthy. Why? Earthworks is why. Less than 200 metres away is a huge land development thing which has been going since mid-year however now that its warmer and drier, the whole thing generates dust like whoa. Any car washing is a giant waste of time.

We didn't actually get out of the house until mid-arvo. Destination was yet another street festival. As far as I know there were lots of stalls full of food and crafts and god knows what else but honestly don't think I have seen so many excellent nip slips, brilliant downblouses, tasty sideboobs or awesome cans in any one place in my entire life. Aaaand breathe. Thank you Leederville.

Alright lets move onto bigger and better things - like a new update. The hectic sick cunt you guys are about to ingest is guaranteed to satisfy or your money back so while I go away and do literally anything else but sit in front of a computer, I'll leave you to... check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Nullator - Break's Best - LOL Nerds! - Sales Pitch - Epic Burgers - Topless - Awkward Guy - F-ing Bitches - BTTF Babes

Poor Bear - Trip Balls - Hi Baby - She Gags - Jap Sharking - Slip Nips - Stunned - SOOO FUCKED - Toe Warmer

Boat Tits - Rock Bottom - Sexy Socks - I'm A Bitch - Nailed Him - Squeeze - Underwear - WT-Dong - Hard To Watch

Text from daughter to mum: "Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?" Mum replies: "Hi, it's nice you can send me such a frank text without feeling embarrassed, no you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years, it'll just wash out. Reply text from daughter: "Oh my god, I meant to spell GUM!"
--
I walked into my nans bedroom and caught her sucking my grandads cock. I said "Aaarrrgh nan that's disgusting". She said "No it's not, it's perfectly normal" I said "No nan its wrong, you should have buried it with the rest of him".
--
After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot. Would you believe her sister had it all this time!!
--
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in a VERY advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, Father" the nun began "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun" it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest "What did you do?" "Well, I hit the CEILING, father". "How much did you win?"

ORSM VIDEO


THE FIVE STAGES OF DRINKING

LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight; you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool".

LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool".

LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (Like "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook".) But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger... and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep... and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool"...

LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen". You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself "Well... as long as I'm only going to get a few hours' sleep anyway, I may as well... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow... cool.

LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlour ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as... that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be IN HELL at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that". At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!" and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say... "Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition "and this time, I mean it!"

SEE THRU... don't mind of we do...

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A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. After a while the man starts talking into his hand. The bartender looks over. 'Fucking nutter!' he thinks. But the man continues to talk into his hand. Fifteen minutes pass and curiosity gets the better of the bar man. He walks over to the man and asks "Why are you talking into your hand?"

The man looks up, and then says into his hand "Just a moment". He then tells then barman that he is testing out a new mobile phone, built into the palm of his hand. "Bullshit!" cries the barman. But the man puts his hand to the barman's ear, and to the barman's surprise, he can hear someone, who starts talking to the barman. "Wow" says that barman "That's amazing!"

The 'phone-in-hand' man then excuses himself and goes to the toilet. Half an hour passes and the man does not return from the toilet. Confused and worried, the barman goes into the toilet, only to find the man with his pants down, masturbating furiously.

"What the fuck are you doing!?" screams the barman. "It's okay mate" replies the man "I've just got a fax coming through"

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

Every night, Frank went down to the liquor store, bought a six pack, brought it home, and drank it while watching TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar, threw him across the room, and left.

The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he kneed Frank in the balls and hit him behind the ear, doubling him over in pain, then left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The next day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights.

"What can I do?" he pleaded. 

"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around".

there's always time for CAR HEAD...

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YOUR ALTERNATIVE HOROSCOPE

AQUARIUS (JAN 20 - FEB 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.

PISCES (FEB 23 - Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO and fart a lot.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancers.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA (Sept 22 - Oct 20)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man you are more likely to be queer. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All Libras have venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 21 - Nov 20)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGGITARIUS (Nov 21 - Dec 20)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Saggitarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you.

CAPRICORN (Dec 21 - Jan 19)
You are a conservative and afraid of taking any risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as a dog might think you are a tree and piss on you.

FAT CHIX: shoot 'em or root 'em?

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READER MAIL

Almost entirely as a result of skipping last week, today you guys get a gigantic RM section to sink your teeth into. Unsurprisingly its full of a bunch of goodies that will keep you amused for a time that feels longer than the last minute of a microwaves countdown. If not, well that's just too bad. Maybe write a letter to someone if it really bugs you. Consumer affairs might be a good place to start or even a talkback radio program. Most importantly - DON'T BUG ME WITH IT. All I want to see are sexy girlfriend pics, nasty ex-girlfriend pics, jokes, videos of whatever the fuck, pictures of STUFF or just anything else that you might like to see on Orsm. Simply stick it in an email and send hurtling down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it happen. But until then... check it...

Eugene wrote:
Subject: Unfortunate Advertising Placement
There are no words needed for this ad placement. This is not a photoshopped edit, it was actually on the news.com.au website. I just joined the mobile screenshots together to form one image.

Well that's unfortunate. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Steve wrote:
Subject: CUNNING STUNT ?
Hi Orsm. Apparently this was not a stunt by the event's organisers of Sexpo in Melbourne, but more a prank by the truck driver who was delivering the "Shafter" ride to the event [The] General Manger of Sexpo said she did not authorise the Luna Park drive-by and said it caught her completely by surprise. "The Driver was apparently only there for 15 minutes and Luna Park was closed. When he was asked to move on, he did."
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: New clothing line.
Whilst in Hong Kong recently, seen this new clothing range and thought it would suit you. Maybe you were inspiration???

This just makes FCUK look lame. -Orsm

Bill wrote:
Subject: TSA screening
Tats or tits, either way, she is going to get patted down. TSA 'random' pat-down candidate -- guaranteed.

Just my opinion but she actually looks better clothed than unclothed. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: cool parents
Found this on Facebook anmd thought I would share. Right up your alley. No details pls.

Any money the parents are hipsters... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Foods That Increase Breast size
This is very good to know. GIRLS READ

Very, very valuable advice. -Orsm

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Justin wrote:
Subject: Dribbling ..
This is what The Scarlet Hotel in Mawgan Porth, Cornwall looks like in Google Earth. Postcode is TR8 4DQ if you want to take a look for yourself .. does it remind you of anything? Forever yours, Justin

Gay friendly hotel? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Mike wrote:
Subject: High Five
I like the way this guy thinks. She can do it, they won't drop.

No one wins. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Racism
Hey Orsm dude. Been a big fan for longer than I can remember. I saw a post on FB. And it turned my stomach. I was wondering if you could post this. No details. Sorry. No pics. No links. Just a name.

Wow what a piece of work. -Orsm

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Justin wrote:
Subject: awesome greeting card
Choose your typefaces carefully
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
First Place in Halloween Decoration Contest
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click to enlarge click to enlarge

Jd wrote:
Subject: Must-have map for all visitors to Nkandla
Things not miss on your visit: Indoor swimming pool - R2,65 mil; Cinema - R1,8 mil; Games arcade - R10,3 mil; Industrial kitchen - R15,5 mil; Tuck shop - R1,1 mil;
*Underground bunker - R 22,1 mil; Entertainment bar area - R11.5 mil; Gymnasium - R8.2 mil; Library - R1,33 mil; Art and Decor interior designing - R21.2 mil. PS. For the real experience, ask for a grass sleeping-mat with your own smouldering fire in your hut - good for repelling mozzies, Scorpions, spiders and snakes.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Water Park Perv #16
G'day Mate. Long time viewer of your website. I checking out the water park photos and noticed this particular photo. I thought it pretty humorous and figured I would share.
click to enlarge
Brian wrote:
Subject: Looks can be deceiving.
For over 25 years Michael Paul Smith has been creating an imaginary world called Elgin Park, filled with scaled models of old cars. They're 1/24th the size to be exact. He chooses appropriate surroundings for these models, and then uses his camera to capture the most realistic shot possible. The kind of shot that you have no idea is within a tiny world. Here's the best part and he does it all with a $200 point and shoot camera.
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R.W. wrote:
Subject: Alberta Oil Field Terrorists
These are pictures taken at a Work Site in the northern part of Alberta at one of the oil fields. These were taken on a morning when they arrived at work at 6:45 a.m. It's not at all unusual to have bears, elk, deer, moose wondering around the site, but this was really neat catching these characters having fun ... I guess they think this is their own playground and just have fun. All the guys and the bosses watched for over an hour until they all left...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: $230
Please post this but hold my details thanks. These photos are from Mandii who wants people to pay $230 for 2 hour to do what ever you want, omg she shoul pay me
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Please post on your site
Please details. This girl is amazing and loves snapchatting and sending pics and videos via kik. Yours am amazing whore Tasha Minaj
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Ross wrote:
Subject: DNA
DNA test is not necessary
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Thank me later
LIFE TIPS. These are so clever.

All of them perfect for people with severe OCD and too much spare time. -Orsm

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psycheman wrote:
Subject: You Had One Simple Job .... And Blew It !!
The story of the Obama administration...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
this is why China will rule the world...... autoshow girls......
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Items to ponder
I really like these.
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Interesting car facts
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Kenyans in Love
Kenyans do it with love. Hide the deets please.
click to watch video
Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: Sibbarpsrevyn
That was funning. Leave it to those Norwegians to come up with something like this. Guess they have to be creative during those long dark winters. :-)
click to watch video

zoza tod wrote:
Subject: Lightning strike
Friday morning lightning 5 min from my house

How to tell you've fucked off a higher power... -Orsm

click to watch video

ulfar thor wrote:
Subject: Whale
Whale explodes when cut open

Blood fart. -Orsm

click to watch video

Brian wrote:
Subject: MUST WATCH - Police Chief from San Francisco...
If we had a few like this in Aussie we could be an even better place. My newest hero! His name is not Overland or Nixon

I don't know for sure but he seems fairly angry. -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law said. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress" she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing!" he said.

splooge ALL OVER

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The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of the ten chickens (plus one cock rooster) he kept in a hen house behind the parish manse.

One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anyone got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, no" he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"

All the choir boys stood up.

RANDOM SHITE

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We've all heard the overused "#1 site for whatever" line but believe me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! Hundreds of real girls getting nude in front of a webcam chatting, stripping and just about anything else you can convince them to do! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. Oh and did I mention it's absolutely totally 100% completely FREE!? Getting on is as easy as clicking here but be prepared to lose your day!

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it" she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents".

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!"

the rey-markable PAOLA REY

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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little "0ral sex" will do the trick & bring her out of the coma".

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said "I'm not sure... maybe she choked".

ORSM VIDEO


And with that boys, girl, kiddies, women and children I am done. Finished. Finito. Caput. Over. 完成した... for another week. In case I haven't been abundantly clear - there are just 2 updates left for the year and they'll be bigger than something which is really big. For all other questions you may have, please read on...

-Check out the site archives. They have a lot of love to give.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Really. I'm serious. Why would I lie about it??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will hurt your feeling very badly. so much so that you probably won't want to speak to him for a few days afterward.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember: penis touching doesn't always make it okay [but it certainly helps]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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