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February 2008...
 
orsmupdate 2008.02.29-00.02

Welcome to Orsm.net. Going through the motions.

Just when I thought the nasty hot weather had done its dash for the summer it dishes up 41.5°C [106.7°F] today. The aircon is on max cold and still the heat penetrates. I should be grateful that its not disgustingly humid but I'm a cake and eat it too guy - give me warm, but not hot. Cold, but not freezing. Boobies, but not small ones.

Anyway how are you guys? Me... remarkably upbeat and happy to be here although it's been a busy one trying to get this update happening. Its scary how quickly the hours pass when you strap yourself to the beast. It's Monday, I sit down with my coffee and the next thing I know I'm crawling into bed late Thursday after getting the update finished. Rinse. Repeat.

Moving on... I inadvertently became the laughing stock of my MSN buddies earlier this week after downloading a program from a dodgy site. A few minutes later my computer started going skitz and all my contacts were getting messages pointing them to an exploited website. Thankfully it wasn't catastrophic and no damage was done but I've got to hand it to whoever wrote the worm... its been years since I last got nailed by anything.

Onto my weekend because there isn't anything else that I really want to talk about... unless you guys want a few paragraphs on the 9 year-old girl banned from her tennis club due to excessive grunting? That 'getting fucked with a boxing glove' noise is the sole reason I so despise tennis. Grunters should be banned. More people would watch.

Spent a couple of hours aimlessly shopping on Saturday. Didn't need anything and didn't buy anything but its been ages since I went store to store. 'Oww new phone? No. Oww DVD's? No. Oww sunglasses? No. Oww punching bag? No.'... and so on. The only thing I really wanted was a hat [those melanoma ads on TV are really starting to sink in] but $30 for shaped straw just because it's got Billabong piping? No.

Did a drive-by of the park which was supposed to play host to a "we'll show Corey Delaney how it's done" party advertised online last week. It caused big shit because apparently 3000 people had RSVP'd and it wasn't authorised by the local council. Anyway went past around 9pm. First car park - entrance blocked and a bucket loads of cops, cop cars and vans there. Second car park - even more cops, cars and a few camera crews. Zero party-goers to be seen. Fizzer.

After we got back from the beach Sunday it was clean up time. The council rubbish collection was on which makes it prime time to offload anything taking up space. Shouldn't take too long I thought... but oh how wrong I was. And thus begun the onslaught...

It started with an impressive pile of boxes that's been building since September. From there it moved into the spare room and in particular a wall unit brimming with old computer parts. Coaxial network cards, serial cables, mice, keyboards, driver discs from computers that don't exist anymore. And it continued - multiple 8, 10, 20 and 30 gig hard drives, a sports bag full of cables, modems, 2 monitors, 3 computers. You name it, I had it but the big question is WHY? Why the fuck am I hanging on to this stuff? It's obsolete and I'm never going to do a thing with it.

So out it all went. On to the verge for collection. The scabs got to it pretty quickly too. Fuckers. The computer cases were gone in less than 10 minutes and the bag of cables even quicker. I've hated the scabs for as long as I can remember and with good reason - glaring. They fucking glare at you. I can live with the fact my junk is another's treasure but glaring at me like I just defiled your adolescent daughter isn't called for. It's my stuff you're rifling through! Next time I throw out a computer or something sealable I'm filling it with dog shit.

Sunday was also the day I met me new neighbours. "Hi. I'm Orsm." "Hi. Impressive garden you have there! " "Oh you like gardening? Feel free to come over with your secateurs anytime!" I say jokingly. And with that she looked at me like I was a complete fucking idiot. Note to self: you aint funny dude.

Okay enough rambling. Let's drop a bomb on an update that you'll tell your grandchildren about. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Unbelievable - Play Eeet! - Tony Soprano? - Gone Wild! - WTF? - It Aint Mine! - Jimmy Retorts - Hog Fucked

Rick-Rolled - Harrassment - iBand - Hottie - Horny Drunk - Cam Gurlz - Dazzling Boobs - Stupid Ho - Black Pussy

Padawan - Great Game - Show It Off - What A Dork - Funny Bastard - Aguilera - Avril - Scissor Sex - No Shame

Click for more awesomeness

A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
--
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
--
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment!" He replies, "You have perfect eyesight!"

LISA DANIELS
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TIMES... THEY ARE A CHANGING...

SCENARIO: Jack starts a fight with John at school.

THEN: A large group of boys form around the two, they beat the shit out of each other, they shake hands and the next day they are best mates.
NOW: The police are called. They arrest John and Jack. All cellular phones with videos of the fight are confiscated as evidence. Both are charged with assault. Both are suspended, even though Jack started the fight. The parents are summoned for consultation and the other children who saw the fight get trauma counselling. The video of the fight is available on YouTube.

SCENARIO: Jack disrupts the class because he cannot sit down and shut up.

THEN: Jack gets a hiding. He can still not sit down because his arse got a spanking, but he shuts up, finishes school and becomes a successful businessman.
NOW: Jack is is tested for ADD then put on Ritalin because he is hyperactive. He becomes a zombie. Jack cannot cope and leaves school in the 8th grade.

SCENARIO: Jack throws a stone and breaks a neighbour's window.

THEN: Jack gets a spanking. He has to work in the neighbour's garden for a week and get a job to pay for the window.
NOW: Jack gets a spanking. His father is arrested for child abuse. Jack is placed in foster-care. The psychiatrist convinces Jack's sister that her father sexually abused her and their father goes to jail. Jack's parents get divorced because the psychiatrist fucks Jack's mother.

SCENARIO: Jack fails English at school.

THEN: He attends extra English classes, passes school and graduates from university.
NOW: The teacher is blamed for the failure. A local human right's group takes up his case. They determine that compulsory English at school is blatant racism. It becomes a major political issue. A case is made against the school and the Department of Education. English is removed from the curriculum. Jack's passes school very well, but mows lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

SCENARIO: Jack takes firecrackers, makes a bomb and blows up an anthill.

THEN: The ant hill is fucked. Thousands of ants are killed.
NOW: The animal protection groups are called in. Jack is arrested and charged with urban terrorism and cruelty to animals. His parents are placed under surveillance. Jack's younger brothers and sisters are taken away from home. Their computers are confiscated. Jack's father is placed on a list of terrorists. He is fired and cannot get another job. The family starves.

SCENARIO: Jack falls and scuffs his knee during break. His teacher dries his tears, cleans the knee and gives him a hug.

THEN: Jack soon feels better and by second break he is running around again.
NOW: Jack's teacher is accused of being a paedophile. She loses her job. She receives a suspended sentence. Jack receives therapy for five years and becomes a faggot.

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Aboriginal.

So Johnny says "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.

So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steal the fucking thing!"

CELEBRITY NIP SLIPS
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
 
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.... " Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

STORM FRONTS
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Last week I blogged about a DVD boxset that I received two copies of and asked what you guys thought. To be honest I was quite surprised with the amount of replies and they were definitely handy in helping me decide. Check the responses here.

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Rach wrote:
Subject: SORRY?
I read through the "apology" last week and agreed with most of it, (well, all of it actually). I was born in a town where there are a lot of Aboriginal families and I'm absolutely NOT racist, I'm very open-minded, but I had to write in and comment on this:

from Mike:"perhaps if people like your self were more open minded indigenous australia may find a place within our society. i would ask, how many aboriginals do you actually know?"

I went to a public high school and I was (and still am) friends with quite a few Aboriginal or Aboriginal/mixed people. I even had an Aboriginal boyfriend for a while a few years ago. So obviously being racist is not a part of who I am, but what really gets up my nose now all this crap is going on was that when I was 12 years old and in grade 8 all of these friends of mine each received $1000 spending money and a free trip to Melbourne from the Government (and I remember them bragging about it too!) and I couldn't understand why the rest of us didn't get the same. My family didn't have a lot of money, but the things we did have we took care of, and we didn't wreck the things that were given to us. Which in my own experience is not what I've seen happen in these Aboriginal communities.

Does that make me racist? I don't think so. It makes me mad knowing that I have to work my arse off to get the things I want, and yet here are people who get it all sitting down, stuff up their opportunities and then stick out their hands for more. And if they're refused, the "racist" word gets thrown around. It's bull. There aren't many white people who get the same deal, and I'd be just as pissed if they did.

click to enlarge
Jim wrote:
Subject: ABORIGINAL
Good day , I am from Canada EH!, your resent articles about the aboriginal apologies sounds an awful lot like what has been going on in Canada for years. It seems that we can't give them enough money ,once you start treating them like they are handicapped it never fuckin ends! The Chiefs on the Reserves make more money than the Premiers of the Provinces , I'm talkin 240,000 a year tax free and one Chief took 133,000 for travel expenses besides. We just paid out billions because we put their kids in residential schools and taught them how to not be totally useless, but it didn't help they are still are. Everybody goes on about how noble the red man is ,check out Winnipeg poops on utube and you will see an Indian drop his pants and crap in a pot in the middle of a busy walkway, proud Indians. They all figure they are artists but nobody ever says that they suck at pretty much whatever they do. Some of the good ones live in the far north, {and there are good ones} they still live as they have for centuries. It's getting that if you are a skilled white male ready to work they will hire an Indian over you even though they will never show up to actually work , its like a retarded quota, so everyone else has to work harder because of dead weight . Maybe we are not so smart either ? Anyhow don't let them try and brain wash you, cause it's just the tip of the iceberg, next thing is the Half breeds will want in on the gravy train ! Like our Métis, and then we have the French, we have pretty well done everything we can to fuck ourselves into a hole, oh well it still beats living like an Indian! Good luck and be afraid, it get worse!
Ian wrote:
Subject: UnFuckin Believable
Kelly waited to have something worthy of contribution and sent in details of Kareem Abdul Jabaar as a crim and failed to realise the 7 foot 2 inch basketball player is about 60 now and is doing very nicely thank you. Kelly is sharp!!
Rhett wrote:
Subject: randoms fine arse
met this chick last weekend, after a solid drinking session we went back to her house, got our fuck on and then she passed out on me.... literally... i spent about 15 minutes slowly pulling my hands out from under her so she wouldnt wake up! Got dressed and couldnt resist taking these pics... This how she crashed out.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Dubs wrote:
Subject: This is what I saw this morning on the on ramp to Canning Hwy
So you can imagine some dudes comin from Burswood way on Grt Eastern heading toward Canning Hwy. They get to just on the overpass over Shepparton and go up the slight hill. They get to the top of aformentioned 'slight hill' and see a booze bus. Now after having a drink or 7 they look around, see some grass and say 'let's go Bandit - REYNOLDS STYLE' and turn left onto the grass and through some small bushes only to discover.... OH HAI Mr. 4 ft high limestone fence.
click to enlarge
Annie wrote:
Subject: are you good at maths?
If you're planning on buying some Hot Wings from KFC, your cheapest option is to buy them in sets of six no matter how many you want. KFC charges you slightly more per wing as you buy more — "Guess they just hope nobody's good at quick math."
click to enlarge
KevO wrote:
Subject: Emailing
This is a recent photo of the Seville Butcher Shop taken this week from a good friend of mine down under....... Thanks for your great site ORSM.NET !!!!!!! We love your site !!!!!!!! AND REMEMBER......KEEP IT UP....ALWAYS !!!!!!!!!!
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: race queens
I saw you posted a bunch of grid girls shots, here are some I took at fuji last year. Page 3-4-5 have the best shots I think. I also have a shite ton of pics from super GT at Fuji, and the WRC race in Japan last year if you want some.

click for gallery
John wrote:
Subject: gotta get a bigger truck
I would like to know how they got this beast into the truck,. I would guess his gutted weight at 1500 TO 2000 POUNDS
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cheboia wrote:
Subject: nake cell phone pics
What up. I love the site, been stoppin by for about 2 years now and i cant get enough. So check this out, i recently bought a cell phone from this lady, she told me the phone belonged to her daughter and her daughter wanted to get a new phone so she gave it back to her to sell. So i get the phone, but my SIM card in, and start going through the features, i stumble across some pictures of this ladies daughter, and holy shit, she looks good, like whoreish good, shes the one on the left, well, enjoy everyone. (please with hold my email address)
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Nicolas wrote:
Subject: Car Drawings
Hey Mate, I'm a Perth bloke, I emailed some of my car drawings to you years ago and you were kind enough to actually upload them as an album. I finally got round to sending you some more. Let me know if you need better quality files and i'll dig up some better scans. Sorry it has been so long since the first installment.. I rekn I've improved a bit since then too. I'm actually a qualified designer now.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: woodstock '99 boobies
hey mr orsm, you kick ass, this site is what every person looking for cool shit on the net is for. i love every month, and felt guilty for not contributing so here goes. me and my dad hit up woodstock '99 and felt the urge to document all those lovely boobies, well some not so lovely but thats for the viewer to decide. ive attached the lot for everyone who loves tits to enjoy, and hey you might recognize someone. some of the expressions in the background, and even foreground are great. sometimes guys know what they like and cant help themselves. viva la orsm!!!!

click for gallery

Trapinhas wrote:
Subject: (Video) Luis Pedrinho e Ellen - Casal de Santa Barbara D'Oeste-SP
ESTAMOS ENVIANDO NOSSO VIDEO SOMOS DE SANTA BARBARA D'OESTE/SP. ADORAMOS EXIBICIONISMO. MINHA DELICIOSA ESPOSA " ELLEN " ADORA SER CHUPADA POR MIM NA FRENTE DE UMA CAMERA APÓS UM AMIGO ESTAR FILMANDO DEPOIS DE PROVÁ-LA.AUTORIZAMOS A EXIBIÇÃO DE NOSSO VIDEO POIS, SONHAMOS EM REALIAR FILMES PORNÔS

Weird clip. Far, far, FAR too much emphasis on the guy. By the way - English - speak it? -Orsm

click to watch video
V wrote:
Subject: Born Free
These two guys reared this lion from a baby in England but the authorities would not allow them to keep it once it reached maturity so they were forced to give it up, they took it back to Africa and placed it in a wildlife sanctuary, a year later they went to see it and were told it would not remember them… now watch the video!
click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex-Mate Drunk Idiot
Gday mate. This is an old mate of ours named Luke Clarke. Give the boy a few bourbons and this is the result, Hungry Jacks freo at about 1:00am. Has now become too good for his old mates so we thought the world should see how he can be...

Fremantle at 1am...? Lucky he didn't get bashed! -Orsm

click to watch video
click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: THE BEST DIRTY SLUT VID YOU'LL EVER HAVE. SERIOUS :)
hey webmaster of orsm.net .. i think you may be able to use this vid on your site.. its a pearler. it all happened in the quiet town of mildura in north west vic, few mates standing around talking shit in the local hang out spot "rowers" when along come a nice melbs backpacker, drunk as a skunk.. fuken filthy 29 your old was chatting up the boys when she decided to leave as she was getting too horny. as she was walking off the nice boys kindly asked to see her breasts, too which she agreed, all the boys got the camera phones out as quick as they could for a bit of good times sake. only to have her say.. "ya wanna film something, film this" and flipped up her skirty and away she went.. 30 seconds later she came like a shower of shit. haha good times! "Sorry if i spray ya" hahahha

That is one of the nastiest things I have seen. What a skank! -Orsm


Click for more awesomeness

A MESSAGE FROM JOHN CLEESE TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem: God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French Fries' are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen. Only He can.

ORSM VIDEO

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A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates. She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. "Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away." "You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewellery!"

HOLLY MORGAN
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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

RANDOM SHITE
Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job eight years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman - you don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!

COME FLY WITH ME
click for gallery

- ALWAYS WANTED TO FUCK A PORN STAR? NOW YOU CAN. CLICK HERE TO SEE HOW! -

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks copy the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!"

ORSM VIDEO


I slightly delayed the update this week so it could go up on the 29th. Why? February 29th doesn't fall on a Thursday for I don't know how long, but it's a long time. Now I'll always be able to say I did an update on February 29th! Wooo...

- Check out the site archives. Por favor.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Oh-uh... oh-uh-uh.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, mates, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray touch you inappropriately.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a happy leap day. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.02.21-23.55

Welcome to Orsm.net. Don't think even about it.

Well here we are again. You, me and all the rest of them. Here. Again. How does that make you feel? Me... I feel amazing but that probably won't last too much longer unless I get another RedBull down quick smart.

I'm big believer in karma. Not that I run around spouting cautionary tales to all and sundry, I'm just well aware of the simple law governing the universe – do the wrong thing and you'll pay. That brings me to my do-the-right-thing dilemma...

Waaaay back in October I ordered a DVD boxset online for a Christmas present. Mid-December it hadn't rocked up so I fired off an email and they shipped another copy. It arrived just in the nick of time too - Christmas Eve. All good. Then a few weeks ago it arrived again. Ooops... turns out the first shipment was just really, really slow. So now there are two and karma conscious I dropped the supplier an email explaining what had happened and asking how to send it back. That was two weeks ago and still no reply.

It may sound stupid and over-reachy but I'm convinced that escaping the vet bill and speeding fine last week was my good karma payback for doing the right thing. The question is what to do now? They definitely received the email because I got the auto-respond saying so. I don't want it so do I keep pestering until they reply to my emails or just give it to someone I know will love it? What would you do? Fess up or just keep it? Email me.

Now watch as I casually segue into shit about me, my week and whatever else I can conjure up to fill this space...

The weekend started off flaccid and pretty much stayed that way. Unremarkable, uneventful and unmemorable are all 'un' words that suitably describe it. Did some running around, visited parents, repaired a computer, attached a letterbox, helped some friends house hunt, hit the shops, attended a thirtieth birthday and played lawn bowls. Okay when I write it out like that it wasn't all that bad...

We made the stock-standard beeline for the beach first thing Sunday and spent the next couple of hours walking back and forth enjoying the ideal not-too-hot weather and flagrant use of bikinis. If I could start every day that way I'd be a happier person. Will just need to move closer to the coast and find a job that pays shit loads without actually having to do anything...

From there it was home to give the car a wash. Three long hours it took and half of that was spent vacuuming every nook and cranny, air vents, gaps, recesses, under seats –everything- in an attempt to rid the interior of dog hair and dust. Yes I'm totally anal about having a spotless car because I cannot for the life of me sit comfortably knowing it's filthy.

From there I was going to go for a cruise, enjoy the rest of the day and of course my now spotlessly clean car. It didn't turn out like that though... instead I managed to reacquaint my arse with the couch, put on a DVD and even have a nap which is odd because I usually guilt myself awake before that happens.

The funny thing is it was all for nothing. Have not driven the car once this week and with houses around here being demolished left, right and centre there's a constant fucking dust-filled breeze dirtying up anything not covered up. Fuckers.

Holy crap a lot of hours went into this update and I think its pretty good but if you don't think so I suggest the problem lies with you. Maybe you were neglected as a child, maybe you're emo, perhaps the anti-d's aren't doing their thing. Anyway check it...

As you can see all content on Orsm Dot Net is free for viewing and that's why I'm a huge supporter of free porn sites. I know what your thinking, "but all free porn sites suck ass". Not in this case at Free-Porn-Listing.com. This sites enables you to access real adult sites completely free. There is no limit of sites you can look at. You can also watch and chat with live girls and people having sex.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Tourettes Guy - Game On - Aussie Babes - Thugtards - Vida's Guerra's - I Told Ya! - Tasty TaTa's - Black & White

Awesome Bod - Sweet Kylie - Bumper Cars - Self Ownage - Arghhh!! - Makeout - Streaker - Jamie Wow - 6" Lover

Beat Bouncing - Fresh Maker - You Got Told - Bigfoot's Sister - Killer Boobies - Isla Fisher - McLovin - Lohan Nude

Click for more awesomeness

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!" The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
--
No matter which girls he brought home, the young man found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice. "Find a girl just like your mother - then, she's bound to like her!" So the young man searched and searched, and finally found the girl. He told his friendly adviser: "Just like you said, I found a girl who looked, talked, dressed, and even cooked like my mother; and just as you said, my mother liked her". "So," asked the friend, "what happened?" "Nothing," said the young man. "My dad hates her."

DAISY MARIE
click for gallery

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small place and moves in. A few days a friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. On his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing hens about. Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs." "What do you mean mate?" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs!?"

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me!" replied the Chinese man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit."

GRID GIRLS
click for gallery

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READER MAIL
It comes as no shock there was plenty-o-email about the Aboriginal stuff I posted last week. Mostly it was people telling me how wrong I am which is nothing new but it makes for a good read nonetheless. You can find it here.

As for everything else... well there was oodles of it. So much that the internet police called and threatened to arrest me. True story. You can see for yourself if you do a FOI search for 'guy with a massive cock who receives too much email'.

If you would like to submit something to be featured in an Orsm update, become part of the cool crowd, the A-List, Fonzie-like, then we're always on the look out for messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, killer jokes or pretty much anything else you can stick in an email and jam down your modem. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Tassie wrote:
Subject: cops
hey Mr orsm first off love ur work. now the business. i fucking hate asshole cops!!! pretty sure im not alone there. i have had a few run ins in my time mostly my fault but watching the vid cop vs skater i was horrified if my kid got harassed by a cop like that i would shove my thumb in his eye socket. dunno where u get ur vids but i can only pray that someone had the intellegance to do the American thing and sue the fat fuck. im so worked up im gonna have to find a bogan to beat up just so i can sleep tonight... keep up the good work mate..

The thing is we didn't see what the kid was doing before the video starts which caused the cop to react that way. -Orsm

The Heise Trio wrote:
Subject: Cop vs. Skater
Not sure I see anything wrong here? About time someone knocks some sense into that kid. Question: Do you have a father? Answer: No. Enough said.
beenleigh tv wrote:
Subject: Petition Victoria P Platers
Chrunchy, You stupid dumb fuck...We are not out to ruin your lives by not letting you drive around with your mates, we are trying stop you killing yourselves every weekend on the roads. YOU tell us what to do to save young guys from wrapping their cars around power poles at all hours of the night killing friends and themselves. We are out of ideas. I know ...it wont happen to me Blah Blah!!! If your concerned about getting home, petition for a better public transport system. We were all young once and all had close calls, eh ORSM!
Vintman wrote:
Subject: re -p plater
It is for your own good dickhead I am sick of seeing moron p plater splattered on the road because their drunk mates in the car have distracted him while he should be concentrating on the road. P platers shouldn't be allowed on the road after dark
Bruce M wrote:
Subject: Possum pic
I presume everyone is telling you this. The cat pic trick - It's not a bad trick, except 1900 911 481 is just the talking clock. Now, if you set up your own 1900 number and collected the revenue... that would be a good scam. I think you can get 77c a minute.
Chinco wrote:
Subject: Chinco's pain
Hi again Mr Orsm, I have a video of me doing something stupid and thought I'd share it with you. This was taken 2 hours before my buddy's wedding while we were killing time. I decided to "surf" over a bush with a plank we found lying around. The video will show the rest. Enjoy, and as always, love the site!
Aaron B wrote:
Subject: RE: Piranha image on your site currently
Hey man, that picture is not a damn piranha this is the 10th time i've seen that damn pic and people keep saying its a piranha its not.. its some freshwater fish found in africa In fact it is a Giant Tigerfish (aka Goliath Tigerfish, African Tigerfish). Tigerfish and piranha belong to the same family (Characidae) but are entirely different species. Piranha can grow to a maximum length of 60 cm, but most are smaller. You probably gonna recieve a shit load of emails saying the same thing coz of 1 retard cheers no need to hide the info :) ain't affraid to tell the truth
baxy kyahn wrote:
Subject: Halina from Poland
Hello Dear! How are you? I hope that all good for you and you will read my letter with a interest. Ok. I got your e-mail through internet dating agency. I gave my letter to agency and they have told that my letter will be send to man in North America!!!! I want to arrive to North America and I have good chance for this. I need only man who can meet me in North America and probably we can to develop our relations. Ok. My name is Oksana. I'm from Poznan City, Poland.

My measurements: 32B - 24 - 34, Height: 5'2", Weight: 115 lbs Hair: Brunette Eyes: Blue Star Sign: Pisces

I'm 26 years old. But very soon will be 27 years old. My birthday on March, 13, 1981. I am ready for creation family and want it very much. I cannot find the man in Poland for myself because it very hard in Poland. I want to create family and to live in your country because the government to care about people. I want to live and be sure in the future. In Poland it is not possible to live easy. I want to tell about myself a little. I live in city Poznan. My city is very beautiful. I work as the seller
 in shop home appliances. I'm cheerful woman who like to go for sports and do all what like are usual peoples.

My history: I'm with my girlfriend were going to go in your country as tourists for search of men for serious relations. But my girlfriend could not go with me. She had problems with your family. But very soon I will receive visa and I don't want to lose a chance to arrive in your country. I will receive visa in 7 days for your country. Now I'm in city Warsaw and waiting for reception of my visa. It will be great if you can meet me and we can to have relations with you. I'm understand that it very strange, but probably it's desteny for you and me. I understand that you will ask me "Where did you get my e-mail?" I'm right??? ;) I got your e-mail through internet dating agency in my city. I gave them my letter and they told me that they will send my letter. And I will be very happy if YOU will answer to me. I will be very happy if you will write me and we will have our meeting very soon. And it is possible we a meeting in 7 days because I can arrive to you.

Please tell to me about yourself a little! What is your full name? Your age? City? I hope that you will answer to me back... If so I will send my photo to you. I will wait your answer so much... Write to me on e-mail : bagriy.oksana@mail333.com

Hello, Is was very lovely to receive you letter. I live Australia and may be very look forward to meeting. Please send photo of the pussy before proceed to further negotiation. Sincere, Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: passed out pants down at good vibes
Hey, went to Good vibes in perth sunday, towards the end some chick opened the door on this dude in the shitter passed out, pants down, holding knob. he stayed there for a while then ambulance officers opened the door. when he came to he realised where he was and saw 20 people laughing at him. haha. the face was priceless.
click to enlarge
Benjamin wrote:
Subject: Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm?
Was surfing and found an iteresting pic. Found a recent one almost like it. I wonder???????????? Does anyone else see a resemblance? Love the site, liked it better the old way though. But that won't stop me from visiting it every efing week.
click to enlarge
Woolly Woollcott wrote:
Subject: Fags
This bloke must be a Pom - Fag is their word for cigarette. Still amusing though. Check the number plate too. Seen in Redcliffe, Qld.
click to enlarge
Kelly wrote:
Subject: kareem abdul jabbar sanders
Mr. ORSM, Your site has provided a lot of enjoyment. Finally have something worthy to contribute. Seems things have gone downhill for old Kareem Abdul Jabbar recently! Thanks,
click to enlarge
Tony A wrote:
Subject: orrsim
Long time reader, first time submitter. Seen in car park at Wanaka Nerw Zealand. Ta
click to enlarge
Walter wrote:
Subject: top gear sponsors
Hi ya mate, Last night on BBC3. The guys from Top Gear were racing at Silverstone. Their BMW was sponsored by Larsen's Biscuits en Peniston Oil. No point. Until they filmed the car in the pit with the doors open.
click to enlarge click to enlarge

BEV wrote:
Subject: Weirdo weddings
Dear Mr. Orsm, wanted to do my part and donate these pictures to the weirdo weddings gallery. These people are the most ghetto people on the face of the earth. They make the springer show look good. Enjoy!, orsm.net fan

Not be high fashion but fuck me if it wouldn't beat the monkey suit for comfort! -Orsm

click for gallery
Terry wrote:
Subject: New airport runway
New airport runway on the Portuguese island of Madeira. The airport's runway has a length of 2781 meters, (9000 ft) of which 1000 (3000) are supported by 180 pillars, each pillar 50 meters in length (about 17 floors). The runway is designed to accommodate 747s. Note the cars parked below the runway.
click for gallery
Neil wrote:
Subject: Flooded
Leightons at Anglo Opencut at Middlemount.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex girlfriend pics
This is my ex girlfriend Sharlai of Newcastle, New South Wales. She is a whore. Dont post my details

click for gallery
Aaron Couch wrote:
Subject: v8 supercars test n tune pics Queensland Raceway feb 14th 2008
HI Mr Orsm, Though you might like to put these pics (a few of many) from the V8 Supercars test n tune day at Queensland Raceway on valentines day. Note the last pic of the chick would make a good valentines present ? Cheers, keep up the good work!
click for gallery
Neil wrote:
Subject: Foxtel Offer
*wipes tear from eyes* I wish I'd written this letter ha ha ha
click to watch video
darrell wrote:
Subject: new vid
darrell here agane sent you a vid of me and my girl (november 06)and you posted it topman well its been a some time but here is a new on for your top site. another night in blackpool ;o) she fucks for fun hell how lucky am i more to cum he he
click to watch video
Tomas wrote:
Subject: Subprime Mortgage Presentation
How the Subprime thing went down
click to watch video

Mitch wrote:
Subject: boobs
Hi Orsm! Sluty chick from Poland again.

Slutty is a bad thing? -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

A TALE OF MAN VS MANIAC

This morning, yours truly, decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret and highly professional canoe training at Emmerentia dam, before the first farts of the sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and even before the glories-of-mornings of most non-gay South African men could rise to view the possible prospects of "before work" swims.

Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise, tearing around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of pre-Duzi training in order to wrestle the crown away from the well slow and soft Martin Dreyer (present Duzi champion, for those of you not in the intellectual canoe mix) next time around.

Anyway, the details of my incredible canoe talent are not up for discussion here, but rather what happened on my drive home after the session, in rush hour traffic and, in particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue near to the Old Parktonian Sports Club around 8am. I was happily chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph, in pretty much bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any faster; it was simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone with a brain, with an ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop of sense inside the membranes of their cerebral hemispheres. You'd think that a creature without a brain would equate to a fly or less, a category that includes mosquitoes, stones, anvils and......taxi drivers.

Yep, enter Sipho "I'm a dickhead without a brain cell" Ndlovo, driver of a Toyota Hi-Ace with 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no lights, half a steering wheel, about 30 people inside and 3 masking-taped windows, standard issue for a South African taxi driver.

He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last month with hundreds of other taxi driver idiots protesting about having had their 'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy. The rocket-scientists couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a taxi with a bobejaan spanner for a steering wheel, or one without brakes (they reckon a handbrake is just as good as the foot brake pedal).

Anyway, my mate Sipho decided things weren't flowing fast enough for him so started weaving in and out of the traffic, arm hanging out of his window like a baboon's tail hanging from its ring piece.

I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about 5 cars back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to avoid the accident that he was trying his damnest to cause. After he narrowly missed the back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me I made a stubborn little vow that he definitely wouldn't be cutting in front of me like that, and so began the fun and games.

The bum-wart first tried the standard tactic of intimidation, just gradually cutting me off, in the typical "you'd better slow down and let me in, or I'll crash into you" method.

Well, I used the typical "Fuck you faeces-brain" tactic, with one hand on the hooter, the other pointing straight at him, with my foot firmly on the accelerator, until he backed down like Mike Catt had done in 1995 when Jonah Lomu ran straight over him.
This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling the whole way back to my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all his well acquired driving skill to the test and adopted the smartest technique of them all, the "Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one that sadly has caused numerous accidents in the past, including the untimely death of one of our awesome mates a year ago.

This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra with a red hot cactus lodged up its rectum. No skin off the fucking taxi drivers nose, he just accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in front of me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle finger accompanied with a few swearwords, something that made me want to beat him harder than Campbell hit the gay boy who stabbed him repeatedly with a pen all those years ago!

Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Ndhlovo in so the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest to outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist the emergency lane was shortly going to end, with a solid stone pavement to mark its ending.

More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his 30-odd passengers were all trying their damnest to "intimidate by staring" myself and the double-cab man, instead of watching the road ahead something that most brain-owners do when driving.

I saw it coming, and was smiling my full-tusk smile even before they hit!! Anal-bum-wart hit that pavement at about 70kph, 31 passengers bumped their heads on the roof of the Hi-Ace in poetic unison, adding an extra 31 dents to the already-fucked minibus, and the two front wheels were ripped off the chassis as the bus slid to a delightful halt.

Thankfully no passengers were hurt, which made it the most fantastic thing to witness. Sadly though, Sipho, arm still hanging out of the window,was also unscathed. However, his car was more fucked than that prostitute at PE harbour named Deloris, and his mood was somewhat down-trodden.

I hooted and made sure he got the full-frontal of my biggest-ever super smile, as did the driver of the double-cab, and then to my absolute joy, looked in my mirror to see every driver behind me doing exactly the same!

The brain-cell-lacker had received his well-earned treatment! I was happier than the Proteas when they beat the Aussies, or at least as happy!!

So folks, what a peachy morning it has been so far. The sun is shining, it's Friday, I've done my training. There will be a lot of thirst quenched this weekend, and Sipho, Faeces-face Ndlovo is one mini-bus short of a taxi! Now that is justice....!

ORSM VIDEO

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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."

NIKKI BENZ
click for gallery

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.

POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

RANDOM SHITE
This weeks RS is exciting, extraordinary and exceptional. Not unlike myself really. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

- ALWAYS WANTED TO FUCK A PORN STAR? NOW YOU CAN. CLICK HERE TO SEE HOW! -

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

GET OVER IT
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Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Texas on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, it's the least I could do. We were married for 42 years."

TRUCK UPS
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A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the light, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Hummer I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side t he husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby replied, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

ORSM VIDEO


Well I think that about does it for this week. A whole lot of love went into this update so if you've made it this far it was probably all worth it... alternatively you were just so fucking bored you didn't care either way...

- Check out the site archives. They're Hydrazene free.
- Next update will be in the very early minutes of next Friday because I'll never get to a February 29th update again otherwise.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will run you down with his Winnebago mobile meth lab.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and MyFreeCams.com! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.02.14-23.55

Welcome to Orsm.net. Happy Fuckintines!

I'm not buying into this whole Valentines thing! Well not really anyway... maybe if I wasn't chained to the computer and maybe if any of the girls who read the site took out their boobs and showed them to me it would be a different story but I am and they haven't so there ya go...

What a week to be Australian. Unless your deaf and blind, retarded, spastic or dead then there's little chance you've escaped all the apologising.You know the one - the Aussie governments heartfelt 'sorry' to the Stolen Generation of Aboriginal people. For those not in the know, during the 1900's Aboriginal children were taken from their families. Yes it was wrong but it was done to protect, not hurt. More reading here.

Our new government's apology hasn't been without a whole bunch of controversy and public debate though. According to a news poll yesterday, 90% of Aussies do not support saying sorry. 90%! Most people see the apology as a prelude to a cash grab of monumental proportions and if you listen to Stolen Generation supporters then it's easy to see why.

I do however wonder what happens after we've said sorry and no doubt coughed up a few billion in repatriations? Anyone think for a moment that's the last we'll hear of it? Perhaps its time Australia asks Aboriginals to give us something back...

Want help with Aboriginal health care? Education? Housing? Employment? Well it's not as if these issues are ignored -far from it- but yep I'm be more than happy to see my tax dollars spent this way. But how about Aboriginal people don't sit back and expect and demand it, how about they help themselves? How about Aboriginal people ban alcohol in their communities? How about Aboriginal people take steps to change the culture of child abuse and furthermore don't vilify us when we step into punish offenders? The list goes on and I think Australians have a responsibility to help but it's not a gravy train that should go on forever. I don't expect miracles... just an effort to make a change.

This apology has one possible benefit to everyone else - maybe, MAYBE we can stop hearing about it now. I am so fucking over it I'd almost consider saying 'sorry' if someone can promise I'll never hear another thing about it.

Moving on... I'm one step closer to getting a second pooch. We took a drive on Sunday to meet a couple of German Shepherd boys that need a home and pretty much fell in love with one of them. Only problem, he's still juvenile which may send me insane having to go through the 'destruction' stage again. Decisions, decisions!

While I'm on the subject of dogs, I had a rather interesting Wednesday night and it all started with feeding the mutt. The spoilt little bitch ended up with a big, chunky lamb shank for dinner due to there not being a hell of a lot else to feed her. So off she went, disappearing outside to devour this tender offering. Jump forward a couple of hours, she managed to get a golf ball sized chunk of the bone stuck half in her mouth and half down her gob and it wasn't budging. Fuck.

1am I call the 24 hour emergency vet. "Yep we're open... by the way there's a $175 emergency consultancy fee". So off we went at full speed and made it there in record time. They took her straight out the back and had it out in no time. Phew. Panic over and the best bit - no charge. Huuuge thanks to the staff at Balcatta Veterinary Hospital! You guys are awesome!

Getting home wasn't without incident either. Pulling onto the freeway I thought it would be a good time to have a squirt so down went the accelerator and pretty soon I'm pushing lightspeed. That's enough and I back off. Just as I come back to the speed limit on go the blue and red lights behind me. Uh oh...

"Good evening, officer" I said. "You're lucky mate. I had you speed checked at 140... before you slowed down so I can't ping you." he replied. Lucky yes... especially considering I was going quite a bit faster. Did the breathalyser [0.0%], license check and with that I was on my way no ticket, nothing! It could have been so much worse though... if he'd actually nailed me I'd be staring down the barrel of a $1000 fine, immediate loss of license and car impounded for two days! Some days you just get lucky.

Okay enough prattle. I had so much to crap on about this week but lucky for you guys I'm out of space so let's just cut to the update. Did I mention this is one of, if not THE best update ever? Well it is. True story honest I swear. Check it...

As you can see all content on Orsm Dot Net is free for viewing and that's why I'm a huge supporter of free porn sites. I know what your thinking, "but all free porn sites suck ass". Not in this case at Free-Porn-Listing.com. This sites enables you to access real adult sites completely free. There is no limit of sites you can look at. You can also watch and chat with live girls and people having sex.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Star Wars Porn - Night Shift - Weirdo Fucker - Shirts & Skins - Boob-tastic - Sasha Solo - Booty Latina

Jackass Valentine - Petra Nemcova - Tesla Guitar - Bad Cop - Low Fly By - I Want The Power! - Brazilian Sucker

Violet Valentine - Wonder Bra - Stunt Cow - Faceplant - Webcam Teen - Nip Slip - Hayden's Cleav - Robo-Drummer

Click for more awesomeness

Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency, they bolted away. The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them. He told him, "When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass." Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree. "Yoo-hoo, Officer. I'm over here."
--
A man shouts to his wife, "come and look at my clock!" She walks in and he's stood stark naked with a hard on - "That's not a clock!" she exclaims. "It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!".
--
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up & down and replies, "You're fucking sense of humour!"

EVA ANGELINA
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AUSTRALIAN APOLOGY TO THE ABORIGINAL POPULATION
This must have come to me at least 100 times in the last week and although I'm pretty sure I've posted it before, there are a few compelling points. Decide for yourself...

We apologise for giving you doctors and free medical care, which allows you to survive and multiply so that you can demand apologies.

We apologise for helping you to read and teaching you the English language and thus we opened up to you the entire European civilisation, thought and enterprise.

We feel that we must apologise for building hundreds of homes for you, which you have vandalised and destroyed.

We apologise for giving you law and order which has helped prevent you from slaughtering one another and using the unfortunate for food purposes.

We apologise for developing large farms and properties, which today feed you people, where before, you had the benefits of living off the land and starving during droughts.

We apologise for providing you with warm clothing made of fabric to replace that animal skins/dogs you used before.

We apologise for building roads and railway tracks between cities and building cars so that you no longer have to walk over harsh terrain.

We apologise for paying off your vehicle when you fail to pay the instalments.

We apologise for giving you free travel anywhere, whenever.

We apologise for giving each and every member of your family $100.00 and free travel to attend an aboriginal funeral.

We apologise for not charging you rent on any lands when white people have to pay.

We apologise for giving you interest free loans.

We apologise for developing oil wells and minerals, including gold and diamonds which you never used and had no idea of their value.

We apologise for developing Ayers Rock and Kakadu, and handing them over to you so that you get all the money.

We apologise for allowing taxpayers money paid towards daughters' wedding ($8,000.00 each daughter)

We apologise for giving you $1.7 billion per year for your 250,000 people, which is $48,000.00 per aboriginal man, woman and child.

We apologise for working hard to pay taxes that finance your welfare, medical care, education, etc to the tune of $1.2 billion each year.

We apologise for you having to approach the aboriginal affairs department to verify the above figures, for the trouble you will have identifying the "uncle toms" in your own community who are getting richer and leaving some of you living in squalor and poverty.

We do apologise. We really do. We humbly beg your forgiveness for all the above sins.

We are only too happy to take back all the above and return you to the paradise of the "outback", whenever you are ready!

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine." "Cold food," she said, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here..."

BOYS TOYS: ULTIMATE HOME THEATRE
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! WAIT A MINUTE! That's my bloody neighbour in there with her! HE'S NAKED TOO!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate for you - one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

CUSTOM CLASSICS
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you would like to submit something to be featured in an Orsm update, become part of the cool crowd, the A-List, Fonzie-like, then we're always on the look out for messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, killer jokes or pretty much anything else you can stick in an email and jam down your modem. All you must do is click here and make it happen.

Murf wrote:
Subject: riddle
The answer to your riddle : "Angry" and "hungry" are two words in the English language that end in "gry". What is the third word. The word is something that everyone uses everyday. If you think carefully, I have already told you what is it. the answer is 'language'

Wrong! -Orsm

Matt wrote:
Subject: Gry Riddle
"Angry" and "hungry" are two words in the English language that end in "gry". What is the third word. The word is something that everyone uses everyday. If you think carefully, I have already told you what is it.

The word is "what"

Right! -Orsm

Phill wrote:
Subject: Enola Gay
One thing not mentioned in Terry's Enola Gay email: On the opening day of the Udvar-Hazy center (a truly remarkable place - if you ever get the chance to visit there, do so), she was vandalized by anti-war protesters.  One of the body panels was dented and red paint was 'thrown at' it.
Chrunchy wrote:
Subject: the new P-plater laws.
Hello Mr. Orsm. My friends and I are trying to get people to sign a petition to withdraw the new P-plater laws that John (cough) dickhead (end cough) Brumby and his bandwagon of shithead polititions have decided to bring in as of the 1st July. The new law will effectively remove all rights that us teenagers have to drive with our mates. Apparently he believes that it's a good idea to limit the number of passengers a P-plater can carry, aged 16-21, to one. The Victorian Government screws us over constantly and I've had a shitful. Us teenagers are old enough to make our own decisions. It's not as though we have spent our whole lives in school, not to have learnt something. This new law will effectively delete any hopes we may have had of road trips after year 12 with mates, or any ability to get to parties. The number of designated drivers will increase and I dont know about you, but my friends and I like to get absolutely fucking plastered every once in a while. So only half of us will be able to drink, or I'll have to drop them all home individually. I dont care whether it will be illegal or not, i'm not making 5000 trips all over the frigging country. So the Government can suck my BALLS! However, we have 300-odd signatures already and figured that it would be good if we could achieve our goal, somewhere in the vicinity, of 15000. The petition can be found here.

marc wrote:
Subject: Rick Hard-on doin the Cuuuuda!
Hell yeah :) I dont think any other website ha seen it yet lol. Wonder if he knew what it means? :)

Probably a bit local for most people to appreciate this but funny shit. You gotta love Rick! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Rocket Salad wrote:
Subject: Chandelier
Bogan Chandelier at a Toowoomba Pub. Regards

One has to ask - WHY? -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: This explains a lot.
G'day, long time reader, first time contributor. Anyway, I was trawlling through one of the "would you fuck me?" type applications on Facebook and I stumbled across this gem (attached). Her "About Me" write up really goes some way to explain Tel$tra's crap tech support. Personally I would prefer to be routed to a Bombay call centre and someone who knew more than this bimbo does. I'd still hit it but. Just in case her "boy" is a big nasty mofo you better keep my details secret. Thanx man.
click to enlarge
mike wrote:
Subject: Proper eye make-up!
Remember ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectlyapplied. If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys.
click to enlarge

Tom wrote:
Subject: se godt på dette bildet
Blinkskudd tatt i Thailand nå denne uka ? taken this week in thailand ?

Anywhere, anytime. What a dirty cunt. -Orsm

click to enlarge
AH wrote:
Subject: Re: KFC sign
Hey there, I just sent you a KFC sign that I created on the P.E.T.A. website... sorry I used your email address as the "sender". Hope you can use it for RS. I'd appreciate it if you don't use my email address.
click to enlarge

TheMonk wrote:
Subject: KRudd
Has KRudd got a twin? Can you see the resemblance?

Whoa... scary. -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
yo orsm, you dirty fuck ;) been visiting your site since - i dunno - 2000 or something? asked you for some tunes back then and you sent them. much obliged. first time contribution - pls withhold my details. anyway, dirty skank from germany. she deserves her pics on the internet bc - well, bc she was so dumb as to mail them ;)
click for gallery

Ross wrote:
Subject: Giant Piranha
The next time you're wading in your third world eco paradise stream or lake, just remember, your place in the food chain may get re-shuffled. I bet things like this reduce the urge to go skinny dipping.

Reminds me of...

click for gallery
TWEFISH wrote:
Subject: Pig Transport
Saw this in Bali over the holidays. The guys aren't Muslem. Hide my email
click for gallery
Alex wrote:
Subject: Iron Maiden Boeing 757
This is for those of you who are mainly interested in both the aviation industry and the heavy metal band IRON MAIDEN..... these pics of the Boeing 757 were taken by me and a work colleague where I work at Melbourne Airport (Tullamarine). The amazing thing is that the singer "Bruce Dickinson" pilots this Aircraft. His talents obviously lay beyond singing. One third of the seats were removed to accommodate some of the concert props and sound equipment.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: My ex Bitch
This bitch ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. I was going to ask her to marry me on new years but instead she decided to cheat on me that day. So all you guys that live in Louisville Kentucky watch out for this cunt. Her name is Michelle and if you don't have a deep wallet she wont talk to you. please keep my info private
click for gallery
Floyd wrote:
Subject: Moron
Dude check out this fucktard on his way to an Australia day barbie. Seems to me he took the whole BYO thing a bit to literally. Honestly what the fuck was he thinking??? Oh yeh great site blah blah I'm naming my first borned after you! Cheers bro.
click to watch video

mike wrote:
Subject: vid
shower girl. love the site

More please...? -Orsm

click to watch video
Bill wrote:
Subject: Wankers and H20
I had this sent to me. Don't know who took the photos but they have done a great job along with the editing. Guy in the Cruiser either has “big Kahuna's” or is just plain Fucken Stupid. That is a kids life he was playing with.
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny Vid
Hey man, I was at the elephant and wheelbarrow in nb on the weekend and heard some noise in the cubicle. I decided to check out what the noise was and this is what i found. Enjoy and please don't post my details.
click to watch video

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already ?"

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

ORSM VIDEO

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A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf... of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"  So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO SHIT!? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies!?!"

TEENAGE TASTY
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A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans. The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover. At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."

RANDOM SHITE
This weeks RS is like dropping your first pill... or so I am told. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

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LAWS OF INEVITABILITY

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF PROBABILITY
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

LAW OF THE TELEPHONE
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

LAW OF THE ALIBI
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

VARIATION LAW
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

LAW OF THE BATH
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

LAW OF THE THEATER
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

LAW OF LOCATION
No matter where you go, there you are.

LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

BROWN'S LAW
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

OLIVER'S LAW
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

WILSON'S LAW
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

DOCTORS' LAW
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

THE THOUSAND ISLANDS
click for gallery

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

ORSM VIDEO


Well there you go. Another update [somehow] purged from my brain. And before I go...

- Check out the site archives. They need some huggles.
- Next update will be next Thursday. For real.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will demand an apology for being a dirty, unemployed junkie who still collects welfare and sells drugs to primary school kids.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Happy Valentines Day. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.02.07-23.58

Welcome to Orsm.net. No one likes a pog.

What up hoors?

Ah rain... sweet, beautiful rain. Almost two months with out a lousy drop and then we get pelted with three months worth in eleven hours. Magical stuff. Its been far too fucking dry around here for far too fucking long and waking up this morning to the pitter-patter of little drops was something I've missed more than staring at Heathers bikini-clad boobs in year 11 Outdoor Ed class... but that's a whole other story. It wasn't without some annoyance getting there though - every bloody day since Saturday has been 'chance of a thunderstorm'.

Honestly its 2008... is it too much to expect the occasional weather forecast to be correct? Imagine, if you will, two guys, both wearing tight leather pants with the bums cut out, no shirts, oily chests, holding hands, staring into each others eyes, kissing and whispering "I want your brown love"... that's how gay it is.

Super Bowl Sunday... or should I say Super Bowl Monday morning [for us]. I usually can't get into American Football but with so many screaming fans, so much hype and killer halftime show it's hard not to get drawn in. Took me a while to work out what the big lollipop with the rope thing was and the constant stop/start is frustrating but I did actually enjoy it. Whodathunkit? My message to Americans though - if you want to see a game of football that's just as physical, with players that don't pad up, that doesn't constantly stop/start then check out Australian Rules!

Had a funeral on Monday and a big one at that - tonnes of people. He was young, and of course it was very sad. One thing that amazed me - people that don't have the common sense to turn their phones off. Three or four different people rung during the service. Are you really so important that it can't be switched to silent for half an hour? Or maybe this is a good time to let everyone hear your new ring tone? Ah so many dickheads.

Onto my weekend because, as we all know, the only reason anyone comes here is because I am so utterly interesting and lead such an exciting, jet set life... right...?

Hit the town on Saturday night although not for a big boozy one unfortunately. We grabbed the camera and headed off to a mates bar to take some happy snaps of the place for their website. All good except seriously the looks you get from people when you're holding a camera never ceases to amaze me. They look at the camera, they look at you, glare at you. 'Yes it's a camera for fucks sake!' Not as if I'm going to put photos of you on a porn website that I run...

Sunday was spent doing exactly what God intended I do on Sundays. Pooch beach, wash the car then go for a cruise. Sweet. I'm making the most of this while I can because pessimistic me knows it's only a matter of time before the universe realises what's going on and conspires to stop this once a week day of joy.

Okay let's drop the hammer on this monster update. "Owww a monster" you say in anticipation. Yes a monster, for the simple reason I can type pretty much anything I want here... oh and the fact it's fuller than a fat chicks socks. Check it...

As you can see all content on Orsm Dot Net is free for viewing and that's why I'm a huge supporter of free porn sites. I know what your thinking, "but all free porn sites suck ass". Not in this case at Free-Porn-Listing.com. This sites enables you to access real adult sites completely free. There is no limit of sites you can look at. You can also watch and chat with live girls and people having sex.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Lookalikes - It's A Mystery - Dupligon - Have Some Faith - Filthy Whore - Topless Wii - High On Life - Mandingo Warrior

Bourne Nutrition - Webcam Cutie - Super Mario Guitar - Bombshell Babes - Breast-tacular - Naked Hottie - Roach Lover

Puppy Vs Robot - Selfish Lil' Shit - BIG Right Hook - Aguilera's Rack - Tila Tequila - Free Beer - Facial - OMG Ouch!

Click for more awesomeness

"Angry" and "hungry" are two words in the English language that end in "gry". What is the third word. The word is something that everyone uses everyday. If you think carefully, I have already told you what is it.
--
A woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing my husband! All he wants is anal sex and my rear end is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece!" Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $3,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?"
--
At a bar, a drunk says to a girl, "Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink." "Why?" "You're so fucking ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you."

DANI WOODWARD
click for gallery

A 10 year old boy was walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.  So THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught."

He continued "When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease... and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- CLICK HERE TO WATCH EVA & PAULA IN SOME PORNSTAR ACTION -

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy - M&M's. What a fabulous adventure !

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Honey, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my DRESS SIZE, you stupid ass!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

COOL COP CARS
click for gallery

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Fan-fucking-tastic Reader Mail this week. Words cannot describe so I shant make them...

If you would like to submit something to be featured in an Orsm update, become part of the cool crowd, the A-List, Fonzie-like, then we're always on the look out for messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, killer jokes or pretty much anything else you can stick in an email and jam down your modem. All you must do is click here and make it happen.

Michael wrote:
Subject: answer to the riddle
On thursday you posted a riddle about 3 men in a hotel room and a missing dollar.  Well just in case no one sent you the answer yet,  there is no missing dollar. This is due to the fact that the front desk kept $25 and not the $27 the 3 men paid.  So they actually overpaid by $2 and that was stolen by the bell hop.  If you add back in the $3 dollars they were given by said bellhop your back at the original $30. This is why people hire accountants.  Love the site, Never miss an update.

SO many replies about this and yes it's all in the wording. I remember hearing it for the first time in the 7th grade... its been around forever! -Orsm

Swami wrote:
Subject: The Steve Bucknor episode
You fuckers down under do not seem to have any fucking sense of sportsmanship or humour.... you mean it's ok if one of you bastards use the B word...: "Bastard"... but if one of our guys uses the word "Monkey"... (and that's an insult for the semian tribe, if you get what i mean...)... you arseholes get riled abt it....!! For your kind information, Harbhajan Singh in a moment of heat.. used the epithet : "maa ki......"...... which in Hindi means " Mother...f $%# r"..... the Monkey that he is, Bucknor heard it as "Monkey"..... no wonder !!! Now u can laugh alll the way ..to the stands .... with the fucking fucked up Monkey. I'm the last one to watch cricket.... but.. the fucking monkey deserves it.

How the fuck could you possibly know that? Answer - you can't so please shut the fuck up. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: XY Falcon Clarification
The restoration was done as a result of that accident. Not the other way around!!! Check the pics in DETAIL if you don't believe me. You should be able to work it out. There's no wing in the accident pics and there IS a GT badge in the grill in the accident. After the following restoration, there is a wing and no GT badge. If the accident was AFTER the restore, would someone put a GT badge onto a smashed car after the accident happened?

Baz wrote:
Subject: AUSSIE POLITICS
Dear Mr. Orsm. Ref. the correspondence concerning the new Aussie P.M. As a Brit looking in from outside, why the fuck did you vote out a man who seemed to speak nothing but sense? he appears to have been replaced with the type of politician we are infested with, politically correct arseholes.

Don't blame me... I didn't vote for him! -Orsm

Mike wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail
Heya, I've read your site since before you spelled "priceless," with a y.  Some friends and I make sketch comedy videos, and I thought this one might be right up your alley. People who hate children seem to like it.
Psycheman wrote:
Subject: Catholic light switch
Mr. ORSM, Thought you'd like to see that Catholic light switch that was in the RS section being sold on e-Bay..
D wrote:
Subject: Bjork video UNCUT version/ link
Mr. Orsm, Here is the link to the rest of the vid of the suicide of Bjorks stalker.
Jenny wrote:
Subject: New name for RS
Orsm, seriously... you need to rename your Random Shite section to "WHAT THE FUCK?" since that's what I say every time I look. Your site just goes to prove that some people are really f'cked up!  Love you, love your shite :-) Been reading since the beginning...You rock baby.
Roger wrote:
Subject: Topless in New York
Hey Orsm. Another great update today. In the RS section, there is a photo of a bare-breasted young woman getting directions from a New York police officer. Not sure that all your readers will be aware that it is perfectly legal for women to be topless in public in New York. In fact someone was recently awarded I think $20,000 in damages for being wrongfully arrested because she was topless. What a great city :)
Swede wrote:
Subject: Sturgeon
Hey Orsm. Long time fan, keep it up. The sturgeon pictured next to the Custom Weld fishing boat was taken on the Willamette River in Oregon City Oregon. The area has a history of monster sturgeon as does the area below the Bonneville Dam on the Columbia that the Willamette feeds into. I am from a family of commercial fishermen on the Columbia and it is not too rare to see a fish this large. They are not legal to keep because they are brooders and are needed to keep the stock up so that fish was released. Makes sense to spend $35,000.00 on a boat that guzzles gas so fast that American Express can't keep up, just to catch a fish you can't keep. The legal size sturgeon are probably the best eating white fish in the world.

doaklsmith wrote:
Subject: REMEMBER!!
When making a fake ID, attach a picture of yourself only... no matter how much you love your girl.

Beats my effort as a 17 year old... somehow managed to change the renewal date on my ID... not my birth date... -Orsm

click to enlarge
INCOSE wrote:
Subject: pic
Congrats, for the site, i dont miss your updates every Thursday, this is my third time that I send you pics, but when I was in orlando find this van and my only thought was to take a photo to send it to your site.
click to enlarge
Matt wrote:
Subject: Why would someone do this!?
Hey man been a fan of the site for a couple years! Awesome updates. Had to take this pic the other day. Went into a jack in the box to take a piss, and this is what i was delighted to find... The stench was horrible and i couldnt piss!! keep up the good work.
click to enlarge
Bobby wrote:
Subject: FOUND IN OKLAHOMA WOODS
Here is a photo of a cougar killed SW of Jet Oklahoma. The guy who shot it is 6 foot tall and weighs about 220 lbs. He was in a deer stand and saw the cat pass him downwind. He then saw it pass him upwind. When the cat passed him again (closer this time) downwind, he knew that it was hunting him. So, boom. After viewing this, do you still feel safe in the woods?
click to enlarge

Zhaggy wrote:
Subject: missing twin
Hey Mr Orsm, Sir. Keep noticing this dude that pops up in your 'mullet' galleries quite often. My oldies refuse to tell me whether I've got a long lost twin brother or not. In fact, they insisted the pic was of me when I first showed it to them. Any way to track where you first got the pic?

Dedication to the cause! Excellent work. -Orsm

click to enlarge

John wrote:
Subject: Why the 777 landed short
For those of you who are interested..... This is the official reason why the 777 landed short

All makes sense now. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Terry wrote:
Subject: The Enola Gay Restoration (The plane that dropped the Atom bombs on Japan)
Beautiful restoration of one of the most historic aircraft of all time. The Enola Gay has led a somewhat checkered life. It was dismantled in 1960 and finally put under cover and security at the Smithsonian's Paul Garber facility. Until that time it sat at various storage sites savaged by souvenir hunters, animals, and the weather. About 300,000 man-hours have gone into remedying that neglectful situation, plus researching and undoing a bunch of modifications made to this B-29 after Tinian. Now completely reassembled and proudly displayed at the new Udvar-Hazy Museum at Dulles International Airport, Enola is externally complete.

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Skanky hoe
Hey Mr Orsm, love the site. Long time reader, first time contributor. Anywho, here's some pictures of some skanky hoe that is right up there with Lindsay Lohan. Keep up the good work! No details please.

Skanky you say? Please give her my email address. Thanks.

click for gallery

John wrote:
Subject: Good day of fishing bad drive home
Good day of fishing bad drive home

Happens to the best of us. -Orsm

click for gallery
Austin wrote:
Subject: Motorvation 2008
Hey mate. Attached are some pics I snapped at Motorvation at Kwinana this year. Plenty-o-cars and even some hot chicas. Enjoy.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: My ex
Hi Mr ORSM, been checking out the site for years now. Thought you and your readers might like these. I fucked my ex of 20 years up the arse 2 weeks before walking out on her - bitch didnt know how good she had it! Just goes to show - they never learn
click for gallery
D C wrote:
Subject: Friend's Voice mail
ORSM (as your site truly is)- I just left this voice mail on a friend's machine at his house. I gave him a sporting chance to get it before his wife does. He and I go back and forth with other friends via e-mail about various unimportant things. He said something to piss me off but in Australian parlance he is still 'a total cunt.' Although if he does not get home before the wife, he may think I am 'a bit of a bastard.' Hope your having a good one!
click to watch video

Jansen wrote:
Subject: Only in SA
Response to letter of demand. Typical the mentality of these people.

What a fucking great idea. I'm going to try this with my phone bill. -Orsm

click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: sharing is caring!
Mr. Orsm... thank you kindly for over the past several years you have been a slave to your site/ our site. You have provided us with a constant stream of free porn and whatnot, so it's my turn to contribute... other than that Eliza Dushku DVD I sent you a few years back. Just sharing some of the best head ever with a pal. More to follow. Please withhold my email for now... till I can be sure to protect the innocent...errr... guilty!
click to watch video

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," the boy replies. "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions..."

"First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" "I have five questions..."

"First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

Fifth - Where's Kenneth?"

ORSM VIDEO

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home to tell his mother. "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for dinner time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight!"

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill do when Daddy is away for work."

PUMA SWEDE
click for gallery

- CLICK HERE TO SLAM PUMA SWEDE LIKE A FRIDGE DOOR! -

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him..."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" he boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

RANDOM SHITE
Today's RS is so good that it has single-handedly managed to pull me out of the RedBull come down that's been kicking my arse for the last half an hour. Impressive wouldn't you say? Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous,". So God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too!". Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

VEGETARIAN FESTIVAL IN PHUKET
click for gallery

Click for more awesomeness

Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. So that you know which cow has to be inseminated, I will drive a nail into the 2X4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields.

When the artificial insemination man arrives, Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she confidently tells him, "This is the one... right here."

The inseminator, who had at first considered her to be just another ditzy blonde, is impressed. "Tell me little lady, how did you know that this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently. "What's the nail for?" he asks. Amy shrugs. "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

POWERING THE EMMA MAERSK
click for gallery

A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.

She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I am just here to get something to eat."

ORSM VIDEO


Okay I'm done. Let's cut to it...

- Check out the site archives. They're fullee hooj.
- Spread the ORSM-DOT-NET word otherwise my friend Ray will beat you so bad that your wheelchair will need a wheelchair.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep walking in a straight line owww. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


Click for more awesomeness

 

 

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