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February 2017...
orsmupdate 2017.02.09-18.38
Boobies

Welcome to a double yolker.

Oddly still fresh in my mind, I remember my Fringe World Festival experience about a year ago. We saw 4 different shows. It was 50/50 good/bad. Enough that we were keen to go again this year. Tried not to overcomplicate things and said I'd be happy to see "just whatever". There's over 700 events this year. The GF gave me a choice of 2. I emailed back "the first one" without reading the links and forgot about it. What I actually chose was 4 comedians talking about parenthood.

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First guy was hilarious, relatable. Whole crowd were pissing themselves. Second guy had just gotten off the plane from London. This was a pretty good example of why knowing your audience is important. He had no fucking clue. One of his first jokes was a racist one about having visited Australia previously and developing an interest in Aboriginal culture, how he found it fascinating that when Aboriginals knew they were reaching the end of their life they would traditionally go to a certain place to die... a police station. It was a reference to Aboriginals dying in police custody. Definitely not an uncontroversial subject. Swear to god you could have heard a pin drop. 200+ people shift uncomfortably in their seats and not so much as a giggle. Such is the world we live where people are too politically correct [read: terrified] to let themselves enjoy an off colour joke. #sweepinggeneralisation I fucking love that type of humour. NOT jokes about [Aboriginal] people dying; jokes that should never ever have been made, jokes that make people feel uncomfortable or go too far. Nothing quite like a good cringe.

The rest of his routine was a lot of dad and Jew jokes. The thing about Jew jokes or anything Israel, Palestine, whatever, is that the average West Australian can't really relate. It's a world away. Plus I honestly don't think I've ever met a Jew in Perth in my life. Head to another county and crack funnies about Roe 8 or the new children's hospital and people would scratch their heads. There was limited applause when he finished.

The next couple of comedians were decent and thankfully finished on a much funnier note. We legged it to get out and over to the next show. Surely I've mentioned before that the GF's superpower is choosing horrible restaurants. If it's her choice it is guaranteed to suck in some or all ways. We now know this extends to Fringe shows. Stroll into this small, makeshift venue which is full of hipsters... or hippies... or just general fucking weirdos. "What have you done?" I whisper.

Even after serious thought I still have no clue what the show was about. Imagine few mates who all think they're 'pretty quirky'. They dress exclusively at the Op Shop, most likely have Arts Degrees, listen only to alternative alternative radio, refugee advocates, we all know the type. One day, over some cruelty free coffee with almond milk, they envision a 'talent' show where they talk about absolutely nothing relevant to anyone outside their friendship circle. The description uses words like 'shambolic', 'anarchic ' and 'shenanigans'. Okay so I see the irony that there's a similarity between them and my blog and fuck anyone who thought that.

Anyway they invite their friends up on the stage to talk about stuff. The first guy was the kind that most of us would gladly knife to death if we could get away with it. Maybe even if we couldn't. The first girl, I estimate, used 'like' over 100 times in the painfully long 10 minutes she thought she was channelling Leah Dunham. Unfortunately a not-nearly-as-depressing-ass-she-imagined story about her dad eating fruit she bought wasn't worth the hassle of arranging a babysitter. The second guy was all politics. Actually there was politics all throughout... but not my politics. I basically disagreed with every single stance they had. The fourth guy was not a good storyteller...

About 45 minutes in the one who subjected me to this leaned across and quietly said "Please let's go". I smiled and said "Nope. You need to learn a lesson." I waited until she got up to hit the bathroom and snuck out.

As much as that show sucked, there are probably a whole bunch of people who went the other way. My experience of Fringe is doing and seeing things I otherwise wouldn't. Presumably that's what's intended. No one is going to love everything but it's worth the effort in that you may find something amazing which you never knew existed. If nothing else though... the city on a Saturday night and all the eye candy walking around.... fucking incredible.  

Alright on with the update. I love this one so much. Not just saying it either. The girls. The trivia. The Islam in Europe video is the most messed up shit I've seen in ages. Check it. Check everything. Check it all. Check it...

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DevastatingAbandoned Cars In Dubai – 32 High-Performance Supercars, Sports Cars & Luxury Cars Cast Away- InstaBabesRanked: 50 Hottest Russian Girls On Instagram In 2017 - Haha Really??Why Are Cats Afraid Of Cucumbers? The Scientific Facts Why Felines Are So Scared & Hate Them - Champion!!Fighter Pops His Opponent's Shoulder Back In Place - MurdergasmsIncrease Orgasms While Committing Murder [5 Easy Tips] - F-ing JerkThat's Not How To Push Someone Into A Pool - Public SexCouple Told To Fucking Stop Fucking In The Hotel Pool. - Vader WalkenVader Walken Is Something You Never Knew You Needed - Rock BottomThis Is Almost Unbelievable. What A Slut But Damn She Fucks Like A Pro Doesn't She??

Close ScrapeThis Dirtbike Close Call Is Literally As Close As You Get - Mega NipsJackie Cruz Dollar Sized Areolas In Windowed Bikini Top - What A BodSybil Wearing A Sheer Robe While Rubbing Her Pussy! - Em Rat NudesEm Rat Cow Sues Gallery For Promoting Her Pre-Famous Nudes Because She’s The Worst - FU Crab!In Japan Food Fights Back By Spilling Your Drink On You. In The States, When Food Fights Back You End Up On The Throne After Eating Taco Bell - Stanky Box?My Pussy Smells Today Like... - Shared GFDude Decides To Share His Girlfriend With His Buddies, She Enjoys It Way Too Much - Fiiine 18yoLiving Proof That High Quality Drugs Aren't The Only Good Thing To Come Out Of Colombia. Her Body Is Fucking Insane! - ButtsBonus Butts #72 - Tiny LatinaTiny Latina Gets Her Tight Box Shocked And Awed

Methed Up28yo Junkie Looks Like An Old Witch - OH YES - LesbianingThis Compilation Video Of Very How Lesbians Showing Off Their Bits And Generally Doing Amazing Lesbian Stuff Is Amazing - Daddy IssuesPsycho Slut With Daddy Issues Cannot Be Broken - Their AssesThere Are A Lot Of Fine Asses In This Clip. Watch Closely. Now Which Is Your Favourite?? - Dump!Funny Pictures DCXLII - Teen BangVery Nice Sexy Vid With A Happy Ending. Its A Very Lucky Man That Gets To Fuck A Girl This Hot And Up The Pooper! - Titney SpearsBritney Spears Tit Is Completely Out During A Concert. Do You Think This Is This Deliberate Or Accidental? - Lil GoddessBusty Babe Mila Azul Posing Nude While Wind Is Blowing In Her Hair! She’s A Bit Too Skinny For Me But The Tits Are Great And The Video Is Nice. - ToplessEdita Vilkeviciute Caught Topless On The Beach

Waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks "Is anything OK?"
--
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked "Relatives of yours?" "Yep" the husband replied. "In-laws".
--
A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news" he explained "is that your fiancé has a particular strain of gonorrhoea that I have only heard of once before". The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well" the doctor elaborated "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet".
--
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing" the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three". "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was drunk".

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FASCINATING MOVIE TRIVIA

-Marla Singer's line of "I haven't been fucked like that since grade school" in Fight Club was an alternative to the line "I want to have your abortion". Head of the production company, Laura Ziskin, said director David Fincher could have any line but the original. Hating the new line even more, she still stood by her promise. 
-Die Hard originated from the failed script of Commando 2.
-The actor who flew "da choppa" away in the last scene of Predator -Kevin Peter Hall- also played the Predator.
-To thank Robin Williams for his work on Aladdin, Disney sent him a late Pablo Picasso painting.
-Katherine Hepburn only drank water throughout The African Queen production as a protest against John Huston and Humphrey Bogart's alcoholism. However, most of the cast and crew became sick from the water and only Bogart and Huston were unaffected because they only drank whiskey.
-There are only 15 minutes of dinosaurs throughout the duration of Jurassic Park (9 minutes of which were the grand animatronics of Stan Winston).
-Worldwide ticket sales for the Saw franchise put it at just shy of a billion dollars, making it the highest earning horror franchise globally.
-The phrase "old sport" is said 55 times during The Great Gatsby (2013).
-Bruce Willis was the SEVENTH choice to play John McClane. It was offered to Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds, Richard Gere, Harrison Ford and then Mel Gibson. On the bright side, he received an unprecedented (at the time) $5 million pay packet for Die Hard.
-Darth Vader only has 12 minutes of screen time in the original Star Wars.
-Due to a zipper breaking, Olivia Newton-John had to be sewn into the trousers she wears in the last carnival scene of Grease.
-O.J. Simpson was considered to play the role of the Terminator, but producers did not choose him as they thought he would not be taken seriously.
-Adjusted for inflation, all 12 of the Friday the 13th movies made more than the Saw series domestically, making Jason Voorhees the North American blood and guts box office champ. 
-The pile of shit that the young Jamal jumps into in Slumdog Millionaire (2008) was made from a combination of peanut butter and chocolate.
-Following the tremendous success of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the New Zealand government created the position Minister for Lord of the Rings; its remit was to exploit all the economic opportunities the films represented.
-In Raiders of the Lost Ark, when Indy shoots the Arab swordsman, he was originally meant to fight him, but Harrison Ford was too ill to fight 'properly.'
-Pumbaa in The Lion King was the first character to fart in a Disney movie.
-Whenever Mr. Rooney and Ferris have a conversation with each other in Ferris Bueller's Day Off only one of them speaks throughout the entire conversation; the other is completely silent.
-Within 3 days of release The Hunger Games became the highest grossing film for production company, Lionsgate. 
-When Harvey Weinstein wanted to edit Princess Mononoke to make it more marketable, the director Hayao Miyazaki sent him a katana with a simple message: "No cuts".
-During his performance as the Winklevoss twins in The Social Network, Armie Hammer was forced to eat a lot of junk food to keep his weight up. The constant rowing practice/scenes would have caused him to lose too much weight.
-Saw was filmed in just 18 days
-Fox passed on The Watchmen because they thought the script was "one of the most unintelligible pieces of shit they had read in years".
-Despite pulling in over $240M, My Big Fat Greek Wedding never once topped the US box office chart.
-Every time John Travolta is in the bathroom in Pulp Fiction something bad happens.
-Gene Wilder only accepted the role of Willy Wonka on the condition that during his entrance in the movie, he would be walking with a cane and a limp, then somersault and bounce back up. Asked why, Wilder said: "Because from that time on, no one will know if I'm lying or telling the truth".
-Carrie Fisher never wore a bra with her Star Wars costumes.
-Pierce Brosnan was contractually forbidden from wearing a full tuxedo in any non-James Bond movie from 1995-2002.
-Independence Day was shot in just 72 days.
-Often derided as a mega-flop, Waterworld actually took home nearly $90m more in worldwide box office than its estimated budget. Factor in TV sales, merchandise and home video and Kevin Costner's 'Kevin's Gate' ended up floating quite nicely. The Postman, Costner's second jaunt to a
-Bender from Futurama was named after John Bender from The Breakfast Club.
-Pornstar Ron Jeremy was an extra in Ghostbusters.

Enjoy this list? Find more in the Orsm Archives here.

DROPPING IT IN DEEP

SEX

Previously on Orsm: SEX #7 - SEX #6 - SEX #5 - SEX #4 - SEX #3 - SEX #2 - SEX #1

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter". So he asks "What's he cure, doc?" The doctor replies "Well, we have to cut off six inches".

The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later, the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he's had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He insists that the doctor do another operation to add the six inches back on.

There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-c-k y-y-y-y-ou!"

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NO CHANGE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.
He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way".

So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying job of royal forecaster.

The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain".

So the king hired the donkey.

Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work for the government and paying them outrageous salaries to occupy its highest and most influential positions.

The practice remains unbroken to this day.

IT'S LAUNDRY DAY... AND WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

LAUNDRY DAY

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ORSM VIDEO: THE TRANSPO EDITION

FASCINATING MOVIE TRIVIA [CONTINUED]

-The total footage shot for 2001: A Space Odyssey was some 200 times the final length of the film.
-In Liar Liar when Fletcher literally beats himself up in the restroom, no sound effects were used; those are really the sounds of Jim Carrey's head slamming into the urinal, floor and walls.
-The charcoal drawing of Kate Winslet in James Cameron's, Titanic was actually drawn by James Cameron.
-When Mark Zuckerberg posts his art essay question on Facebook during The Social Network his alias can be seen as Tyler Durden [Fight Club].

-The Space Jam soundtrack went sextuple platinum, and the movie grossed over $230 million.
-In Harry Potter, Alan Rickman was the only person other than J.K. Rowling to know Snape was defending Harry because he was in love with Lily Potter to make his performance genuine.
-Steven Spielberg pops up for a cameo in Vanilla Sky wearing a Pre-Crime baseball cap. 
-Steven Seagal was choked unconscious on a movie set by "Judo" Gene LeBelle, and Seagal shit himself.
-In The Pursuit of Happyness, the homeless people who worked as extras received a full day's pay at minimum wage ($8.62/hr) and free catered meals.
-When Edward Norton first fights Brad Pitt in Fight Club, he was asked to actually hit Pitt. Pitt's reaction is genuine and Norton was trying to stop himself from laughing during the scene.
-After his character was shot in the foot by Joe Pesci in Goodfella's, Michael Imperioli's Christopher got fictional retribution by shooting a baker in the foot in The Sopranos. His kiss-off line? "It happens".
-Heath Ledger almost broke Jake Gyllenhaal's nose by grabbing his head and kissing him too hard in Brokeback Mountain.
-Walt Disney refused to allow Alfred Hitchcock to film at Disneyland in the early 1960's because he had made "that disgusting movie Psycho".
-Bill Murray was originally considered for the role of Han Solo in Star Wars.
-Ghostbusters voice of Zuul is director Ivan Reitman.
-Ridley Scott used The Who's blue laser lighting to light the Alien egg chamber because they were in the next studio.
-The real Frank Abagnale Jr. appears in Catch Me If You Can as the French policeman who arrests Leo. 
-The cake in the movie Sixteen Candles is made of cardboard.
-Pixar's, UP was the first ever animated film and 3D film to open the Cannes Film Festival.
-The cigarette smoked by Sigourney Weaver in Avatar is completely CGI. 
-The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King won all 11 Academy Awards it was nominated for.
-The names of the taxi driver and the policeman in everybody's favourite Yuletide outing, It's A Wonderful Life, are Bert and Ernie. The writers working on Sesame Street at the time claim it's merely a coincidence. 
-Walt Disney paid the animators on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs $5 for any gag that made it into the final version of the movie.
-Benedict Cumberbatch recorded his screen test for Star Trek Into Darkness at his best friend's kitchen using an iPhone.
-Fritz Lang's, Metropolis (1927) was reportedly one of Adolf Hitler's favourite films.
-The iconic body and hand in the poster for American Beauty belong to actress/model Chloe Hunter, not Mena Suvari. 
-William Goldman's original script title for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid was The Sundance Kid and Butch Cassidy. The names were reversed when Paul Newman took on the role of Butch.
-The voice actors of Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse from the 1930s got married in real life.
-The Dude says "man" 147 times in the movie, nearly 1.5 times a minute, in The Big Lebowski.
-Christoph Waltz, the man who won an Oscar for playing the Jew Hunter in Inglorious Basterds, has a son who is a rabbi. 
-When Harry Met Sally: Meg Ryan laughed at the Pecan Pie improv and looked at the director who told her to keep going.
-Peter O'Toole was nominated for eight performance Oscars and didn't win a single one.
-Christopher Nolan has never had a movie rated as "rotten" on Rotten Tomatoes and his lowest rated movie is The Prestige at 76 percent.
-The poop in Trainspotting was made from chocolate. 
-When filming My Left Foot, Daniel Day-Lewis had to be lifted around the set and spoon fed as he would never leave his wheelchair.
-Neither Michelle Rodriguez nor Jordana Brewster had drivers' licenses or even learners' permits before production of Fast and the Furious.
-Ridley Scott cast Rutger Hauer in the role of Roy Batty without actually meeting the actor. Having been so impressed by the actor's previous works, he cast him immediately. However Hauer decided to make one hell of a first impression. At their first meeting, he turned up wearing huge green sunglasses, pink satin pants and a white sweater with an image of a fox on the front. According to production executive Katherine Haber, when Scott saw Hauer, he literally turned white.

Sources: here, here & here.

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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom when she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband!"

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband!"

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" she asked. "Watching the game with my son-in-law!" he replied.

WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING... I TOOK PICS [AND PUT THEM ONLINE]...

SLEEPING

GIRLS SLEEPING previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of emotions.

So that night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue. "You were supposed to dress up as an emotion" states the doorman. "We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion". Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough.

The next couple comes up to the door dressed in all red clothing "Sorry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight!" to which the couple reply "We are, our red clothes symbolise we are angry. Besides, you let the other couple before us in". Again, the doorman agrees to let them in.

Then along comes a black guy, completely naked with the exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it. The doorman, wide eyed looks at him "I'm sorry, but I don't think you have been invited to this dinner". To which the black man responds in a thick Jamaican accent "Actually I was invited!" "Well you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion". The black guy says "I am in a costume, I'm deep in despair!"

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OLDER SHITE: 2nd February - 26th January - 19th January - 12th January - 5th January - 22nd December II & I

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday".

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever". "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your Honour. I drew two circles like this...

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable" said the judge. 

"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever". "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?" "Well, I used a similar approach".

The guy draws two circles.

"I said (pointing to the small circle) 'this is your asshole before prison...'"

WHY DON'T WE START WITH ONE BOOB OUT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS...

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Previously on Orsm: ONE BOOB OUT #3 - ONE BOOB OUT #2 - ONE BOOB OUT #1

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer" she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly" she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be silly" she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies "That's me before the operation".

THIS IS CHARLOTTE. TAKE A LOOK AT CHARLOTTE.

CHARLOTTE

PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: RITA - JULIAH - HEATHER - GENIE - ELSIE - VALLA - MARTINA - CATHERINE - AUTUMN

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jones' wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and, mistaking him for John, said "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible". Joe smiled and said "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

ORSM VIDEO


Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. The SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Hundreds of updates earlier...
-Next update will be next Thursday unless unless unless... I get bored.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will sit on you. Don't want that to happen though. Ray is so fat that moving his arms requires a couple of Red Bull's.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't try so hard to be quirky. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2017.02.02-17.57
Boobies

Welcome to I still remember when cancer was funny.

I'm not even going to comment on the absurdity that it's February already. Haha just kidding. To make matters worse, summer too it seems is in decline. What should be the hottest time of the year, has been cool with tonnes of rain. Whilst that's great for gardens and lazy single mums who don't wash their cars, all I really want is some disturbingly hot weather, a heatwave. Not just an occasional hot day. Last winter was cunty of epic proportions. It went on and on and on and I'm now realising it may not have ended. *shriek*

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Moving on. Early Jan I blogged about damaging my iPhone just enough that it worked perfectly but only when you weren't using it and other times not really at all. Headed for the city Apple store in hopes of seeing a 'Genius'. Nope. Hundreds of [other] sheeple attempting the same. Make an appointment for the following Friday. The guy has a tinker and quickly decides a full replacement is necessary. Then I said hang because it's insured and gotta sort that out, then the next appointment I could get was another 8 days! Just for an exchange! *shriek*

Frustrated I asked live chat support if there was another way that didn't require waiting or going to the city or stand in store for hours in the hope they can squeeze me in. "There sure is!" typed  the helpful Filipino 'Simply post your iPhone to us!' It sounded too good to be true. And of course it fucking was. Apple send you a prepaid shipping label. You put that on a box and pop it in the post. In your mind it'll be whisked away to arrive in a day or so at a magical Apple factory somewhere. A team of Chinese slave children will take a look and send a new iPhone back. Yeah? Naaaah. For whatever inexplicable reason they prepay the absolute slowest shipping method possible. No one realises this until after the fucking thing takes a week to even get there. Then, if that weren't annoying enough, Apple take a further 4-5 days to analyse and agree the phone is actually fucked and send a remanufactured one back using, you guessed it, the slowest method possible. Imagine if ants found a picnic basket and were transporting the crumbs to their nest. Takes forever but gets the job done. Now imagine those ants carrying an iPhone the entire width of Australia.

Why you gotta make it so hard Apple? What really fucking sucks is Apple products aren't cheap. With the premium price comes the expectation they'll have your back when shit breaks. Hasn't really been my experience.

I'm expecting a couple of friendly emails from you dudes saying Samsung or whoever is better. Let me save you the time. Can't even remember when it was... bought a couple of Samsung monitors for my PC. Turned out they were huuuuge pieces of crap. The colours was rubbish and different to each other and one failed within a few days. Note to everyone: Dell and Apple monitors are the best. Getting any action from Samsung was impossible. Could not have cared less. In the end I was calling 3-4 times a day. Their solution was to try send me a different monitor which would've meant I had an unmatched pair; different size and resolution which completely defeated the purpose. Took some doing but eventually got a full refund and have tried to avoid their products ever since.

But I digress. One part of this whole process that made me laugh was the backup phone. When I got my iPhone 6, my old iPhone 5 just got chucked in a drawer. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Tried to give away a couple of times but no one wanted. Lucky because when the 6 broke I was able to pull out the 5, transfer everything across and carry on as if nothing had happened. The very next morning I got a call, reached into my pocket, fumbled and dropped the fucker. Beautifully shattered the screen that it was more or less useless.

Alright that should about do us. No idea how it all ended up about my iPhone. Had a bunch of topics to talk about including fun things to do with grandparents, how I've been sleeping, the surprisingly high cost of strawberries this season, the cutting joke I made to my friend Ray that no one else would understand and women's rights [LOL]. Shame. Alright let's do the update. It's awesome and titillating and easily the best thing to come out of Australia ever. Check it...

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Sex Horror'Handjob Cabin' Is The Greatest Horror Movie That Doesn’t Exist—But You’ll Wish It Did- LicksterGoing Down On A Girl? There's An App For That! - Drinking Game17 Of The Best TV Show Drinking Games To Play While Watching Your Favorite TV Shows - Real Or Fake?Real Boobs Vs Fake Boobs - Beach BeejShe Sucks It So Good. I Would Nut In Seconds. - Frozen LOLThis Froze Her Brain And Everything Else - Butts MixBonus Butts #71 - Epic TeenI Just Found The Best Natural Tits On The Planet - Fuck God!Shocking Moment Catholic Bishop Gets Punched In The Face During Mass - ShockingMan Walks Into A Church And Kills Two Of The Brides Family As She Walks Down The Aisle.

Wow OMGLooks Like Being A Teenage Cam Girl Is Rough These Days. Stuck Living At Home, She Has To Pull Off Stealthy Ninja Faps And Even Do Her Cam Whoring Literally Right Next To Her Unsuspecting Mother. - Bod RevealedMarnie Simpson No Bra, No Panties In See Through Dress - Kayla KissKayla Kiss Is Wearing A Sexy Football Dress In This Brand New Set And I Think It Looks So Good They Should Get The Ladies At The LFL To Wear It. - Gnarly ToeStella Maxwell’s Gnarly Camel Toe - SkankMeltdown Alert: Ratchet Girl Protests With Nudity - On CockApparently Her First Time With A 9-Inch Cock... Although I Doubt It Because She Works That Montser To The Bone! - First AnalFirst Time Anal With My Girlfriend... I Think She Likes It!! - Ruski GangbangAint No Party Like A Drunken Russian Gang Bang Party - U LOSEMoscow Nightclub Owner Falls To His Death After Argument With Wife - Die Bitches!Almost A Sticky Situation With Car Bomb

Cunty CuntsDon't Fall For It! FBI Releases Recording Of Scam That Is Going Around Right Now - AssgapingAgreeing To An Anal Scene With A 12 Inch Dick Can Only End One Way... Destroyed Gaping Asshole! - Ghetto StuffAnother Edition Of Ratchet Sex Tape Fails Featuring Hood Rat Stuff Like Fire Alarms With Dying Batteries, One Lopsided Illegal Butt Implant And Other Ghetto Stuff. - Actual SlutsThe True Destruction Of A Butthole And She Is Totally Down With It. Her Friend Doesn't Mind Some Ass To Mouth Either...! - Hilarious!So Scary It Makes Every Hole Scream - Daaaang!These Naked Pictures Of Bianca Mihoc Naked Body Prove It Is Beyond Perfect. - Poor DudeNever Try To Stop An Armed Robber Without A Weapon - Cara RubyWow! Cara Ruby Looks Great In Sexy Lingerie But You Know What, She Looks Even Better When She Takes It Off! Great All Natural Boobs. - Tasty SlipTanya Mityushina Nip Slip On The Red Carpet - Trucker HoNothing Breaks Up The Long Cross Country Road Trip Better Then A Coffee, Quick Nap, And Ass Splitting Anal In The Men's Room!

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied, by text, from across the road.
--
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea". Replied the widow "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was".
--
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
--
A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!" "That's no ring... That's my watch!"

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IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day.

Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow". "Relax, honey" her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK".

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return.

After an agonising 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it!?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis'".

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.

At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis" Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds". "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds".

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds". "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough" said the game show host "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

DON'T CLICK THIS GALLERY IF creeping iS NOT OKAY...

DO YOU LIKE TO CREEP 3

Previously on Orsm: DO YOU LIKE TO CREEP #2 - DO YOU LIKE TO CREEP #1

A knockout young woman decided she wanted to enjoy the good things in life so she set about finding herself a rich old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

Soon enough she did just that. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of a half-century age difference between the couple.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked "What are those for?" The old man replied "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

ORSM VIDEO


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Three contractors arrive to quote a job for a local council - one Lebanese, one Vietnamese and the other an Aussie. All bidding to repair a broken fence. They go with a council rep to examine the fence.

The Lebo contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well" he says "I figure the job will run $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me".

The Viet contractor does his own measuring and figuring, then says "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me".

The Aussie contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the council rep and whispers: "$2,700". The rep, incredulous, says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" the Aussie explains "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the Vietnamese guy to do the work!" "Done!"

And THAT is how government contracting works...

THERE'S ALWAYS A REASON TO FLASH SOME GASH

GASH FLASH 4

Previously on Orsm: GASH FLASH #3 - GASH FLASH #2 - GASH FLASH #1

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ORSM VIDEO: THE I WANNA PARTY WITH THOSE GUYS EDITION

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME, COME AND LIVE WITH ME

People suck. Unfortunately we don't realise this before we get a roommate or house share in some way. What happens next can be a beautifully matched pairing leading to amazing social events and the happiest times of your life... but mostly it just turns to shit...

-I had a roommate who sold my dog. I came home one night, and my dog was gone! She didn't tell me where he went. Apparently she told my mum he bit her and my mum came over to get the dog. My roommate listed the dog on Craigslist and told the buyer to go to my mum's house to pick it up... We ended up getting the dog back after a long and confusing discussion with the lady who bought my dog.

-One of my friends went last year for her first year and she told me her roomie would go into her drawers when she wasn't looking and take her clothes. Like, they would be in a bar and her roommate would be just wearing her shirt.

-I had a housemate who wore long Victorian nightgowns and spent every night playing her keyboard on the harpsichord setting. We rarely crossed paths, but one time she was up really, came in the kitchen, made A SINGLE pancake and ate it - sitting across from me. She never said a word, and never broke her stare. She just ate the pancake then left the room. I'm not entirely sure she wasn't the ghost of someone who died in 1873...

-I had two friends who lived together. One would always wear the other's clothes and put it back before he noticed it was missing. One day he rolled up the legs of a pair of jeans and forgot to unroll them before he put them back. BUSTED!

-Nothing can top my roommate who didn't think slavery was that bad because her great-great-grandfather had slaves, and in his will he said that the families had to be sold together. Yeah, that makes up for everything.

-I did have a terrible roommate when I studied abroad for a summer. He would stumble in drunk at 3 am on a Tuesday with some girl, and then proceed to turn on the lights and vomit on the floor (which he didn't clean up till noon the next day, forcing me to dodge it to get to the shower).

-My freshman-year roommate moved her 28-year-old boyfriend into the suite with us for a month. The first night, he shot up heroin after asking me to watch to make sure he didn't, walked around naked and high, got blood on the floor, sat drooling on the end of the bed, and threw up in the bathroom for ages. It was a long month.

-My friend had the most anti-social roommate in first year. She would never converse with anyone, and stay in her room studying 24/7. I often hung around my friend's place... and we never noticed her bringing anyone over. The most she would say was "hi" whenever I was over, and then quickly scurry off to her room to study. Since I was at my friend's place a lot, I realised her roommate would stay within her room for hours on end - she wouldn't even take washroom or eating breaks. When she would go to the washroom, she would take at least two hours before she thought about getting out. She also never cleaned up - her dirty dishes would always stay dirty, and her bed would often be littered with cut nails, bits of food etc.

-One night during my freshman year, one of my suite mates and I stayed in while the other two went out. An hour later, we got a call from our roommate Alex about how our other roommate Julie had punched her in the nose. We went to pick her up, and there was blood pouring down her face. No one could find Julie, who was eventually picked up by police while walking back to our dorm on the train tracks. I had an exam at 8am the next day and, needless to say, I was not prepared!"

-I've had some awful roommates. This one guy was so lazy he didn't want to come upstairs from his bedroom to go to the washroom so he peed in milk jugs and had a bunch of them stored in his room for a while. Gross!

-I once had a roommate who didn't speak to me for the first few weeks that we lived together. After about a month, he sent me a text telling me he was filming a video with a friend and to not come into the basement. That made me uncomfortable. I went to the basement when he and his friend had left and found that there was film equipment and the walls had been covered in foam padding. A few weeks later, I spent the week of Halloween watching horror movies in my living room and noticed the parade of guys he brought in; one even went down into the basement for a while and came back upstairs with his head shaved. A few nights later I went to the basement to pee because my roommate was upstairs. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I found a pair of dominatrix boots. Then in the bathroom found a pair of huge dildos on the toilet tank. Over the next few months, I found other things, like bondage masks, more filming equipment, lists that gave an overview to the 'actor' what to do - things like, 'cup balls with hands' and 'wait'. One day he even sent me a text saying I should get out of the house for a bit because he was filming a video and he didn't think I wanted to be around to hear it. It turns out I was never officially on the lease (he never turned my paperwork in), so when I started finding blood in the bathroom on knobs and handles, I moved out fast!

-A friend of mine last year roomed with this guy who just always ate her food. So instead of buying mayonnaise every day she started putting tuna in it because it was against his religion to eat fish!

-I always steal a little bit of my roommate's food when he's not looking, but I justify it with the fact that he has to be stealing some of mine so it all works out in the end.

-My rooming experience ended when I accidentally chipped my roommate's tooth with a bottle...

Enjoy this list? We got you covered. Find more in the Orsm Archives here and here.

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These two guys had just gotten divorced from their wives and swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year". The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this". They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said "Well take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay" they said and left.

 The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year". The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies "I caught him in bed with my board!" 

NAKED GIRLS UNDERWATER IS *EXACTLY* WHAT THIS UPDATE NEEDED

UNDERWATER

Previously on Orsm: UNDERWATER #3 - UNDERWATER #2 - UNDERWATER #1

An American Patriot is riding his Harley by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life".

The Harley rider replies "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right". The reporter says "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?" The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican".

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

... and that pretty much sums up the media's approach to news these days.

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2017 02 02

OLDER SHITE: 26th January - 19th January - 12th January - 5th January - 22nd December II - 22nd December I

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them". George replied "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you".

It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder.

Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT TITTOOS so HERE'S 33 TITTOOED GIRLS TO HELP US DECIDE!

TITOOS

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire pay.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me".

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

TEEN. CHECK. BLONDE. CHECK. FULL NAKED. CHECK.

RITA

PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: JULIAH - HEATHER - GENIE - ELSIE - VALLA - MARTINA - CATHERINE - AUTUMN

ORSM VIDEO


Let us finish this update with aternative facts...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. The only thing bigger is my friend Ray.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If you don't see it hit refresh.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will make you suck your dads shit off his cock.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do you ever wonder how big my dick is? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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