Welcome to I still remember when cancer was funny.
I'm not even going to comment on the absurdity that it's February already. Haha just kidding. To make matters worse, summer too it seems is in decline. What should be the hottest time of the year, has been cool with tonnes of rain. Whilst that's great for gardens and lazy single mums who don't wash their cars, all I really want is some disturbingly hot weather, a heatwave. Not just an occasional hot day. Last winter was cunty of epic proportions. It went on and on and on and I'm now realising it may not have ended. *shriek*
Moving on. Early Jan I blogged about damaging my iPhone just enough that it worked perfectly but only when you weren't using it and other times not really at all. Headed for the city Apple store in hopes of seeing a 'Genius'. Nope. Hundreds of [other] sheeple attempting the same. Make an appointment for the following Friday. The guy has a tinker and quickly decides a full replacement is necessary. Then I said hang because it's insured and gotta sort that out, then the next appointment I could get was another 8 days! Just for an exchange! *shriek*
Frustrated I asked live chat support if there was another way that didn't require waiting or going to the city or stand in store for hours in the hope they can squeeze me in. "There sure is!" typed the helpful Filipino 'Simply post your iPhone to us!' It sounded too good to be true. And of course it fucking was. Apple send you a prepaid shipping label. You put that on a box and pop it in the post. In your mind it'll be whisked away to arrive in a day or so at a magical Apple factory somewhere. A team of Chinese slave children will take a look and send a new iPhone back. Yeah? Naaaah. For whatever inexplicable reason they prepay the absolute slowest shipping method possible. No one realises this until after the fucking thing takes a week to even get there. Then, if that weren't annoying enough, Apple take a further 4-5 days to analyse and agree the phone is actually fucked and send a remanufactured one back using, you guessed it, the slowest method possible. Imagine if ants found a picnic basket and were transporting the crumbs to their nest. Takes forever but gets the job done. Now imagine those ants carrying an iPhone the entire width of Australia.
Why you gotta make it so hard Apple? What really fucking sucks is Apple products aren't cheap. With the premium price comes the expectation they'll have your back when shit breaks. Hasn't really been my experience.
I'm expecting a couple of friendly emails from you dudes saying Samsung or whoever is better. Let me save you the time. Can't even remember when it was... bought a couple of Samsung monitors for my PC. Turned out they were huuuuge pieces of crap. The colours was rubbish and different to each other and one failed within a few days. Note to everyone: Dell and Apple monitors are the best. Getting any action from Samsung was impossible. Could not have cared less. In the end I was calling 3-4 times a day. Their solution was to try send me a different monitor which would've meant I had an unmatched pair; different size and resolution which completely defeated the purpose. Took some doing but eventually got a full refund and have tried to avoid their products ever since.
But I digress. One part of this whole process that made me laugh was the backup phone. When I got my iPhone 6, my old iPhone 5 just got chucked in a drawer. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Tried to give away a couple of times but no one wanted. Lucky because when the 6 broke I was able to pull out the 5, transfer everything across and carry on as if nothing had happened. The very next morning I got a call, reached into my pocket, fumbled and dropped the fucker. Beautifully shattered the screen that it was more or less useless.
Alright that should about do us. No idea how it all ended up about my iPhone. Had a bunch of topics to talk about including fun things to do with grandparents, how I've been sleeping, the surprisingly high cost of strawberries this season, the cutting joke I made to my friend Ray that no one else would understand and women's rights [LOL]. Shame. Alright let's do the update. It's awesome and titillating and easily the best thing to come out of Australia ever. Check it...
Sex Horror'Handjob Cabin' Is The Greatest Horror Movie That Doesn’t Exist—But You’ll Wish It Did- LicksterGoing Down On A Girl? There's An App For That! - Drinking Game17 Of The Best TV Show Drinking Games To Play While Watching Your Favorite TV Shows - Real Or Fake?Real Boobs Vs Fake Boobs - Beach BeejShe Sucks It So Good. I Would Nut In Seconds. - Frozen LOLThis Froze Her Brain And Everything Else - Butts MixBonus Butts #71 - Epic TeenI Just Found The Best Natural Tits On The Planet - Fuck God!Shocking Moment Catholic Bishop Gets Punched In The Face During Mass - ShockingMan Walks Into A Church And Kills Two Of The Brides Family As She Walks Down The Aisle.
Wow OMGLooks Like Being A Teenage Cam Girl Is Rough These Days. Stuck Living At Home, She Has To Pull Off Stealthy Ninja Faps And Even Do Her Cam Whoring Literally Right Next To Her Unsuspecting Mother. - Bod RevealedMarnie Simpson No Bra, No Panties In See Through Dress - Kayla KissKayla Kiss Is Wearing A Sexy Football Dress In This Brand New Set And I Think It Looks So Good They Should Get The Ladies At The LFL To Wear It. - Gnarly ToeStella Maxwell’s Gnarly Camel Toe - SkankMeltdown Alert: Ratchet Girl Protests With Nudity - On CockApparently Her First Time With A 9-Inch Cock... Although I Doubt It Because She Works That Montser To The Bone! - First AnalFirst Time Anal With My Girlfriend... I Think She Likes It!! - Ruski GangbangAint No Party Like A Drunken Russian Gang Bang Party - U LOSEMoscow Nightclub Owner Falls To His Death After Argument With Wife - Die Bitches!Almost A Sticky Situation With Car Bomb
Cunty CuntsDon't Fall For It! FBI Releases Recording Of Scam That Is Going Around Right Now - AssgapingAgreeing To An Anal Scene With A 12 Inch Dick Can Only End One Way... Destroyed Gaping Asshole! - Ghetto StuffAnother Edition Of Ratchet Sex Tape Fails Featuring Hood Rat Stuff Like Fire Alarms With Dying Batteries, One Lopsided Illegal Butt Implant And Other Ghetto Stuff. - Actual SlutsThe True Destruction Of A Butthole And She Is Totally Down With It. Her Friend Doesn't Mind Some Ass To Mouth Either...! - Hilarious!So Scary It Makes Every Hole Scream - Daaaang!These Naked Pictures Of Bianca Mihoc Naked Body Prove It Is Beyond Perfect. - Poor DudeNever Try To Stop An Armed Robber Without A Weapon - Cara RubyWow! Cara Ruby Looks Great In Sexy Lingerie But You Know What, She Looks Even Better When She Takes It Off! Great All Natural Boobs. - Tasty SlipTanya Mityushina Nip Slip On The Red Carpet - Trucker HoNothing Breaks Up The Long Cross Country Road Trip Better Then A Coffee, Quick Nap, And Ass Splitting Anal In The Men's Room!
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied, by text, from across the road.
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea". Replied the widow "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was".
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!" "That's no ring... That's my watch!"
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day.
Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow". "Relax, honey" her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK".
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return.
After an agonising 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it!?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis'".
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis" Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds". "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds".
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds". "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough" said the game show host "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
Previously on Orsm: DO YOU LIKE TO CREEP #2 - DO YOU LIKE TO CREEP #1
A knockout young woman decided she wanted to enjoy the good things in life so she set about finding herself a rich old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
Soon enough she did just that. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of a half-century age difference between the couple.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked "What are those for?" The old man replied "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"
Three contractors arrive to quote a job for a local council - one Lebanese, one Vietnamese and the other an Aussie. All bidding to repair a broken fence. They go with a council rep to examine the fence.
The Lebo contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well" he says "I figure the job will run $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me".
The Viet contractor does his own measuring and figuring, then says "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me".
The Aussie contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the council rep and whispers: "$2,700". The rep, incredulous, says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" the Aussie explains "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the Vietnamese guy to do the work!" "Done!"
And THAT is how government contracting works...
Previously on Orsm: GASH FLASH #3 - GASH FLASH #2 - GASH FLASH #1
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ORSM VIDEO: THE I WANNA PARTY WITH THOSE GUYS EDITION
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME, COME AND LIVE WITH ME
People suck. Unfortunately we don't realise this before we get a roommate or house share in some way. What happens next can be a beautifully matched pairing leading to amazing social events and the happiest times of your life... but mostly it just turns to shit...
-I had a roommate who sold my dog. I came home one night, and my dog was gone! She didn't tell me where he went. Apparently she told my mum he bit her and my mum came over to get the dog. My roommate listed the dog on Craigslist and told the buyer to go to my mum's house to pick it up... We ended up getting the dog back after a long and confusing discussion with the lady who bought my dog.
-One of my friends went last year for her first year and she told me her roomie would go into her drawers when she wasn't looking and take her clothes. Like, they would be in a bar and her roommate would be just wearing her shirt.
-I had a housemate who wore long Victorian nightgowns and spent every night playing her keyboard on the harpsichord setting. We rarely crossed paths, but one time she was up really, came in the kitchen, made A SINGLE pancake and ate it - sitting across from me. She never said a word, and never broke her stare. She just ate the pancake then left the room. I'm not entirely sure she wasn't the ghost of someone who died in 1873...
-I had two friends who lived together. One would always wear the other's clothes and put it back before he noticed it was missing. One day he rolled up the legs of a pair of jeans and forgot to unroll them before he put them back. BUSTED!
-Nothing can top my roommate who didn't think slavery was that bad because her great-great-grandfather had slaves, and in his will he said that the families had to be sold together. Yeah, that makes up for everything.
-I did have a terrible roommate when I studied abroad for a summer. He would stumble in drunk at 3 am on a Tuesday with some girl, and then proceed to turn on the lights and vomit on the floor (which he didn't clean up till noon the next day, forcing me to dodge it to get to the shower).
-My freshman-year roommate moved her 28-year-old boyfriend into the suite with us for a month. The first night, he shot up heroin after asking me to watch to make sure he didn't, walked around naked and high, got blood on the floor, sat drooling on the end of the bed, and threw up in the bathroom for ages. It was a long month.
-My friend had the most anti-social roommate in first year. She would never converse with anyone, and stay in her room studying 24/7. I often hung around my friend's place... and we never noticed her bringing anyone over. The most she would say was "hi" whenever I was over, and then quickly scurry off to her room to study. Since I was at my friend's place a lot, I realised her roommate would stay within her room for hours on end - she wouldn't even take washroom or eating breaks. When she would go to the washroom, she would take at least two hours before she thought about getting out. She also never cleaned up - her dirty dishes would always stay dirty, and her bed would often be littered with cut nails, bits of food etc.
-One night during my freshman year, one of my suite mates and I stayed in while the other two went out. An hour later, we got a call from our roommate Alex about how our other roommate Julie had punched her in the nose. We went to pick her up, and there was blood pouring down her face. No one could find Julie, who was eventually picked up by police while walking back to our dorm on the train tracks. I had an exam at 8am the next day and, needless to say, I was not prepared!"
-I've had some awful roommates. This one guy was so lazy he didn't want to come upstairs from his bedroom to go to the washroom so he peed in milk jugs and had a bunch of them stored in his room for a while. Gross!
-I once had a roommate who didn't speak to me for the first few weeks that we lived together. After about a month, he sent me a text telling me he was filming a video with a friend and to not come into the basement. That made me uncomfortable. I went to the basement when he and his friend had left and found that there was film equipment and the walls had been covered in foam padding. A few weeks later, I spent the week of Halloween watching horror movies in my living room and noticed the parade of guys he brought in; one even went down into the basement for a while and came back upstairs with his head shaved. A few nights later I went to the basement to pee because my roommate was upstairs. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I found a pair of dominatrix boots. Then in the bathroom found a pair of huge dildos on the toilet tank. Over the next few months, I found other things, like bondage masks, more filming equipment, lists that gave an overview to the 'actor' what to do - things like, 'cup balls with hands' and 'wait'. One day he even sent me a text saying I should get out of the house for a bit because he was filming a video and he didn't think I wanted to be around to hear it. It turns out I was never officially on the lease (he never turned my paperwork in), so when I started finding blood in the bathroom on knobs and handles, I moved out fast!
-A friend of mine last year roomed with this guy who just always ate her food. So instead of buying mayonnaise every day she started putting tuna in it because it was against his religion to eat fish!
-I always steal a little bit of my roommate's food when he's not looking, but I justify it with the fact that he has to be stealing some of mine so it all works out in the end.
-My rooming experience ended when I accidentally chipped my roommate's tooth with a bottle...
Enjoy this list? We got you covered. Find more in the Orsm Archives here and here.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
These two guys had just gotten divorced from their wives and swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year". The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this". They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said "Well take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay" they said and left.
The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year". The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies "I caught him in bed with my board!"
Previously on Orsm: UNDERWATER #3 - UNDERWATER #2 - UNDERWATER #1
An American Patriot is riding his Harley by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life".
The Harley rider replies "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right". The reporter says "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?" The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican".
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
... and that pretty much sums up the media's approach to news these days.
OLDER SHITE: 26th January - 19th January - 12th January - 5th January - 22nd December II - 22nd December I
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them". George replied "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you".
It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder.
Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT TITTOOS so HERE'S 33 TITTOOED GIRLS TO HELP US DECIDE!
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire pay.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me".
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: JULIAH - HEATHER - GENIE - ELSIE - VALLA - MARTINA - CATHERINE - AUTUMN
Let us finish this update with aternative facts...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. The only thing bigger is my friend Ray.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If you don't see it hit refresh.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will make you suck your dads shit off his cock.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do you ever wonder how big my dick is? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.