Well hello boys and girls and welcome to 2004! As many of you have painfully made me aware - YES! - I know it's been a long time between updates!
<whinge>To the whining little bitches that are under the deluded impression that my life revolves around doing updates and keeping you entertained, you may suck my pole! This website is provided all for free - you don't have to pay a fuckin cent for all the hours you spend in front of your computer and yet people still manage to complain. It's pathetic. </whinge>
So how was everyones Christmas and New Years? As I thought may be the case, Christmas Day wasn't as tragic as it could have been. I slept in until 11, headed off to Mum's side to do the lunch thing and left there around half four. After that it was off to Dads side of the family for a dinner thing which somehow didn't see me getting home until after midnite which was somewhat different. Usually everyone has bailed by 9ish and off doing their own thing. All up it was a pretty enjoyable day and I even got some decent prezzies which is a change from years gone by.
Woke up Boxing Day greeted with awesome weather [read: sweltering heat] so I bundled the dog in the back of the car and made my way down to the dog beach. Walked back and forth for a couple of hours and made my way home again with a detour past my old boys place for a dip in the pool. It was by this stage I realised that I probably should have slip, slop & slapped some sunscreen on earlier in the day as by the time nite came I was feeling probably not unlike a burns victim feels. Large case of meltdown. One second I'm pissing sweat and the next I am freezing. Even ended up with a couple of blisters on my feet from the asphalt to top it all off. Always wear sunscreen.
It took me almost until NYE to recover from the damage I had done myself and all in good time too. The nite started off at my place with a couple of drinks which was followed by heading to our favourite bar in the city. Plenty more alcohol was consumed, laughs were shared and a good time was had by all.
I ended up legging it at about 10 past 12 due to how many god damn people were in the place [I get claustraphobic and dont particuarly like being crammed in] and ventured homeward. Suprisingly enough it only took me about 10 miuntes to find a cab which was suprising. Everyone else followed an hour or so later and we kept on partying all nite and into the next day.
I eventually got to bed at around 11pm the next nite after watching the The Office Christmas specials which topped off almost 40 consecutive hours without sleep. Obviously, I can only speculate how I was able to stay awake for so long...
As for last week, well, you guys were meant to get an update on the Wednesday but whilst the body was willing, the brain was still in 'I need a few more days relaxing before I will do anything so fuck off' mode and who am I to argue something so inarguable? Time was spent somewhere between veg-ing on the couch [thanks to Jane and Virginia for the DVD's from my wish list - you guys rock!], playing an obscene amount of Need For Speed Underground and once again blistering the absolute crap out of my feet at the beach. All up it was a good much needed break. Oh how I look forward to next year...
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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...
Backyard Cricket Rules - Prycless 38 - Chrissy Cube - Imaginary Girlfriends - Hours Of Amusement - Vacancy
The Loud Speaker Kit - Detouching - Speeding Facts & Figures - Saddam Vs Outkast
There are rumours that Cathy Freeman's performance at the Sydney 2000 Olympic Games was drug-assisted. Apparently Cathy did not provide a urine sample during the Games. It has also been revealed that she has in fact never provided a urine sample during her entire athletic career. Cathy is protected by Commonwealth and International Law: "It is illegal to take the piss out of Aborigines."
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says. "You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" comes the reply. "You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned! Get out!" she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance" says the barmaid.
"Now what do you want?" she asks as the man returns. "I want to turn you upside down, fill your cunt with Guinness, and then drink every last drop". The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up, Love?" he asks.
"There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right, he's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my cunt with Guinness and then drink it all..." she cries. The husband stops, puts down his bat and then returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love... I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness."
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.
When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
There was a parish that had a notorious reputation for spitting out their pastors. Every three years, the council would review their satisfaction with the current pastor, and invariably ask for his or her resignation. Pastor Smith was on pins and needles as the council meeting marking his third anniversary drew near. He knew the Church's anti-clerical tradition, and he began to prepare for the worst. He was in consultation with his bishop over other call possibilities, should he have to make a change. He even contemplated leaving the pastorate.
The night of that dreaded council meeting, the lay president said,"Well, Pastor Smith, as you probably know, we have to ask you to step outside, while we discuss some concerns among ourselves." With his heart palpitating, Pastor Smith waited for what seemed like forever.
Finally, the president invited him back in and to have a seat. "Pastor Smith, we've reviewed the past three years, and the council has unanimously voted to renew your term as our pastor." "That's wonderful!" cried a relieved Pastor Smith. "But tell me, that's a first here for many, many years. How did you come about to that decision?" "Well," replied the lay president, "if it were up to us, we wouldn't have pastors at all. But as long as the Church says we have to have one, we figured you're the closest thing we'll ever get to not having a pastor."
Another one on my long list of favourites is Mariah Carey. I have no idea why she does it for me... she just does. Anyways here she is in all her splendor trying her hardest to recreate that famous Basic Instinct scene...
Mariah Carey: Cheeky Up-Skirt
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under some palm trees. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered - not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom - and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shrugging off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, any more!" the woman said. The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail?"
An officer in the U.S. Naval Reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.
The French Admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it is because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German." The group became silent.
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America, which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes," said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work. Then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket, rugby, tennis and golf players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed "But you said there would be BALANCE!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whingeing, sheep-rooting Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them."
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter said that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed it to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "Really? You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it!
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland, the class geek, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher, “Anyone else?" Little Irish Shaun O'Malley jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says "it will take the contagious".
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
POOF! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
POOF! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence... to cross this river."
And POOF! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
As mentioned earlier I was a little on the annoyed side with some of the email thats come my way over the last week or two. I'll let you guys work out why...
what the fuck are you doing.
post another page for fucks sake.
thank you. you tired homeless prick.
true blue wrote:
Subject: comon pull ya finger out
come on mate isn't it about time ya put the bottle down and did an update???new years is over now back to work as usual. I love your site and i'm getting withdrawal symptoms.aaarggh the little green ants are coming quick update update update...
Brock Leroux wrote:
I used to enjoy your site was it was updated more frequently. Now its about as exciting as watching the color bars on TV at 3 in the morning.Sell me your site, I think 10 dollars is fair enough for whats here.
Hey man, you are due!! dont ya think?? I wait for my new ORSM update that
never comes!!! you are due,,,,shit or get off the pot!
Subject: whats up
hey orsm a bunch of us want to know whats going on with your updates, they used to be once a week now then it was 2 weeks now its almost 3 whats going on , we enjoy your sight very much but the time between updates are starting to be to long. thought u would like to know how your fans feel
Subject: New edition of ORSM
It is a new year so please cheer us up with a new edition. It is cold, wet
and dark in the UK and we need something to brighten our days!!
PS: A friend of a friend was one of the guys who tried to save the surfer
that was bitten by the shark in SA that you showed on a previous edition.
The guy managed to paddle himself back to shore and the surf had turned
red. They gave him mouth to mouth for about 15 minutes, but it was a
no-hoper as could be seen by the pictures.
Subject: thanks a lot
In your last update you said not to e-mail you telling you to hurry up. I wouldn't dream of it. If anything, you should take another week off. You deserve it for providing the world with one of the best websites known to man...or woman...or large house pet. Relax, and take care of youself.
michael beatle wrote:
Subject: fun in the back of a ute
hows it hanging Mr Orsm. me and my mates recently went up lancelin for new
years and camped up in wedge for a few days. my mate brought his girlfriend
and fucked her all week, which kind of pissed off us guys. after going into
town one day we were relaxing in the back of the landy when his girlfirend
came up to us and told us to get out cause they wanted to fuck. we refused
and after a bit of an argument we got out, thinking they were going to drive
off a bit to do the deed as they had been doing up to now. they didnt. we
took photo's. unfortunately it was a shitty disposable camera and only 1 pic
came out, but its enough. we now call her bubbles.
i hope you can put the pic up on your site for the world to see her fat
skanky ass. thankyou and goodnight.
oh and by the way they were fucking raw for 5 days and she didnt swim or
Ross MacPherson wrote:
Subject: Summernats pics
Took a few pics (of the cars, not the chicks!) at the Summernats that I thought you may be interested in.
Cole Thomas wrote:
Subject: about a RS pic
The "I beat Anorexia" T-Shirt guy? He's one of my sister's high school softball coaches. Yes, the huge guy is in charge of making sure a dozen girls are in good physical shape. Makes the whole picture even more hilarious, doesn't it? Oh, and no, i don't want a ton of emails sent to me about how noone believes me, because i really don't fucking care. I mean, seriously, I'm in Indiana, US. I'm used to it by now.
Subject: Nice ASS
Hi ORSM I wish you would like my attachment
to you, please announce me if it is cool and if it will published
on the site please announce me, I love your Web site, this picture
was taken for a Russian ass on the beach of Taba, Egypt on the
border with Israel, I mean that it is an international picture.
Subject: Love your site!!!!
Thank you so much for giving me a great place
to visit and fuck all of the assholes who have nothing better
to do in thier lives than to criticise what you're doing here.
Anyhow, I have attached some photos of a couple of different women
I have met online and then they send me these kinds of pictures.
Please post if you like for all to enjoy. Please do not post my
email, or my name. Thanks again and keep up the awesome work.
Subject: Warning to dog owners
Watch your dog! The Police in conjunction with
the RSPCA has issued a warning advising all Victorian dog owners
to keep their dogs indoors until further notice. Dogs are being
picked off one at a time on an almost continual basis through-out
the state of Victoria. They are falling in great numbers. Police
in the city advise all dog owners not to walk their dogs.
Subject: RS submission
Mr Orsm, Bought this at K-Mart, a big US retailer.
Two ways to read it, I first saw it as "To the dad bone"
but it's actually the unfunny "Dad to the bone". Thanks
for your web site & who's that long haired, huge breasted
brunette in the "Jubblies" video!!!???
Hi Mr. ORSM, Yes, it's me again. Yesterday
my grilfriend and I had a nasty fight. She is such pig-headed,
more then 1000 times I have told her to NOT paint her bloody toe
nails near the car... check the attached pic.
Subject: here some pic's 4 ur site
hey guy i met this girl off here she sent me
a couple pic of herself she told me that she want 2 meet me. so
i was like OK we can do that but i when we got 2 doing it. it
was like throwing a hot dog down a hall way. well please don't
put name or e-mail on ur site please thank u hope 2 c ur these
pic on ur site soon thank u 4 ur time
Subject: THE OLD WORK HORSE - THE F J HOLDEN
Hi there, You may have seen publicity about Australia's favourite car turning 50 shortly. Here's some Brisbane media re the upcoming birthday. Anyway, it's a photo of a photo, but here's a shot of my old beast taking a slow drive to the council dump, after a big clean up.(Note the height of the roof of the house Vs load on ute).
Subject: Cargo wrecks transport company
Pics of what a pit bull did to the cargo hold of a plane after it got loose
in the hold.
Subject: My spanked wife and the Taliban man
Orsm after the Afgan war some refugees moved to where I live. My wife who's
a racist basterd couldnt stand this and taunted my poor Afgan next door
neighbour at every opportunity. One day while she was at work he came to see
me about her name calling and demanded I reprimand her. I agreed and we
decided to give her some justice, Taliban style.
WORTH A SURF
Big Bad Bob - Drunk TV - Johnny JerkOff - Party School - Rip-O-Lot - Drunken Antics - Confound
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married." The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest. "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?" "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man. "That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?" "Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem." "What's that, my son?" "Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got this sex problem, Doc, You've got to help me." "Well," says the quack, "tell me about your average day." "It all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up at about 3am and again at about 5am for nookie. Later, we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work!" "Oh I see," says the doc.
"No, hang on," says the young man "you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day, we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there." "Oh... now I see," says the quack.
"No you don't," says our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom." "Oh.... NOW I see," says the quack.
"No, no, no," says the randy bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of, and we nip out the back for a quickie." "Now I understand," says the extremely patient doctor.
"No, hang on," says the man. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss - a very demanding lady I might add - has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack!" "Ahh...." says the doctor, "now I see."
"No, there's more," says our man, almost in tears. "When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards!" By now, the exasperated doctor is beginning to lose his cool, "So just what is your problem?!" "Well..." says our hero, "it hurts when I wank."
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyways. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"
The new preacher moves his things into his new office and comes across the former pastor, taking his items out. The former pastor says, "I left three envelopes in your desk. If you have any trouble, open them." Well, of course the new preacher thinks he will never have to use them, but in his youthful enthusiasm, he tries to change the order the kids march in during Vacation Bible School. Well, this makes the workers absolutely furious and there is a lot of ugly talk about the new pastor.
He remembers the envelopes and opens the first one. It says, "You haven't been here long, but you decided to make a change in the Vacation Bible School; now everyone is mad. Tell everyone that the former preacher had told you this was how you preferred to do it." So the young preacher did that and it worked well.
He had been there about a year and a half when he tried to change the deacon position from being a life-long job to a position that rotated annually. Well, this made the deacons really mad, and they were the ones who made his salary recommendation. So he went back to the drawer and got the second envelope: "You did something to make the deacons mad and there's talk of replacing you. Tell them this is the official denominational policy; that you thought they wanted to comply, but it doesn't make you any difference what they do." He tried this, and again it worked great.
You guessed it. After three years, he finally told the women's organization that they were going to have to open the kitchen so that it could be used without a representative from the women's group being present. This put the women's organization in open revolt. So he went back to that third and final envelope: "You've been here about three years and you finally got the women's organization mad. The only thing to do is prepare three envelopes... "
There was this gas station in Black Mountain NC trying to increase its gas sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex at all!" His buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged - my wife won twice last week!"
A man from Liverpool, holidaying in the Netherlands decides to try out one of the local brothels that he's heard so much about. Looking for a cheap thrill he walks in and takes out the equivalent of 10 pounds and approaches the mistress and says, "I've only got this much. What can I get?"
The mistress pauses, looks him up and down once and gestures him to follow her. She takes him down a long, narrow hall, unlocks a door and holds the door open for the man. He looks inside to see a pig tied down in the middle of the room. The man immediately thinks to himself "Great I get to fuck a pig". She closes the door and the man begins to pleasure himself With the pig.
The man was so impressed that a week later he decides to return to the same brothel but this time holds out 5 pounds and asks "I've only got this much what can I get?." Once again the mistress takes him down the same narrow hall but to a different room where a room full of people are watching a couple have sex through a one-way-glass-window.
The man, excitedly sits down on an empty seat and turns to a bloke beside him and says "What a great country. For only 5 quid you can watch a couple have sex." To which the bloke replied, "That's nothing. Last week we saw a guy fuck a pig."
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realised the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the northern wilderness. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm began. Fortunately they came across an empty isolated cabin.
It was a simple place... one room with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the large, potbellied, cast-iron stove. But, strangely, it was suspended in midair by wires attached to ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he is distributing heat more evenly throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP is a religious symbol."
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct: "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
There was a dog that lay on its back every night and it snored, and the owners were really bothered by it. The owner was at the hairdressers and told her about the dog. The hairdresser suggested tying a piece of blue ribbon around the dog's balls. She did so and the dog stopped snoring immediately.
Days later her husband came in drunk got in bed and started snoring, so the lady went to her sewing basket but she couldn't find a blue ribbon, so she went for the red ribbon. She tied it around the husband's balls and he stopped snoring too.
The next morning, the husband walked into the living room where the dog was lying on the floor with the blue ribbon on. The man looked down and he realised he had a red ribbon. He said to the dog, "I don't know what happened last night, but you came first and I got second!"
Two blondes were up in the far north woods, out looking for a Christmas tree. They were all bundled up from head to toe, carrying their hatchets and a coil of rope to tie on and drag it back. They had thought of everything. They were all set... but they couldn't find the right tree.
They searched for hours, slogging through knee-deep snow. The wind was blowing and the wolves were howling, but they persevered. Had to get that Christmas tree.
Finally, as the sun was beginning to head downward, one turned to the other and said, "That's it! I've had enough! The next tree we come to, we're going to cut it down, whether it's decorated or not!"
One night, a police officer was staking out a particular rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he was able to start his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded: "how can this be?" The driver replied: "Because tonight, officer, I'm the designated decoy!"
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?!" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game. "For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead.
She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned... how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast ... she farted and flew out the window!"
Well thats all you are getting out of me this week, folks. I hope it was worth the wait! I'll be back in 2 weeks with another huge update but until then be good, stay off the chems and drop me an email! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.