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January 2009...
 
orsmupdate 2009.01.29-23.24
Stick a finger in

Welcome to Orsm.net. Don't overheat, Stu.

Hello party people. How the hell are you all? Me = upbeat, of good mood and ready for a huge weekend. I would however like to start by thanking the friends and family who've pestered me with "Just letting you know I'm still alive should you ever want to come visit" phone calls lately. Really enjoying them. Matter of fact if the frequency were to increase that would be beyond words. Funnily enough though what most of them fail to realise that between running this little website, a small business, entertaining the pooch, cooking, cleaning and everything else there is barely a spare moment of 'me' time let alone everyone else time. I'm in demand, baby. By the way - hands up who else is surrounded by people that bug them...?

So like pretty much every single person who has ever been on holidays ever, I got the idea whilst living it up down south that a move in that direction over winter wouldn't be a bad idea, possibly a fucking GREAT idea. There really aren't too many cons either... except for slower internet speeds which I can probably live with. Amongst the many other benefits it would also negate those pesky, guilt-trip calls. How come I haven't visited? Because I live 300 kilometres away [should you ever want to come visit]. Sorry about that...

It's an idea that needs more investigation anyway. Just about all of my friends have lived abroad at over the years whereas I was always preoccupied elsewhere or somehow. It's probably safe to say that I won't be running Orsm for the rest of my days - I may eventually decide it's time for a job in the real world or low and behold, find that special someone and before you know it the opportunity is gone.

Movin' on... jump to Sunday and start by hitting the dog beach bright and early. Ah the dog beach... not what it used to be. Five years I've been heading down and its changed a lot. I'm sure in some way it can be related back to the economic boom and subsequent explosion in dog ownership of recent years but that little beach is more popular than ever before. That means more dogs and more retards that can't control their pets. I say this acknowledging the fact I'm a massive dog snob of the worst kind - if you can't control your stupid-ass, untrained, inbred, crossbreed mongrel then don't be surprised when my well trained, intelligent, pure bred angel retaliates.

Monday was the Australia Day holiday and it kicked off by convincingly spoiling the Triple J Hottest 100 for some girl. I had absolutely no idea who would win but sold it well enough that long faces ensued. Turned out that I came close with Empire of the Sun. From there we jumped in the car and cruised down the coast for a beer then back to friends place for a couple more before heading in to watch the Skyshow. I will clarify here by saying we didn't head into the city - we watched it from a hill 5-6 kilometres away. Just as good and no fucking traffic. Pics here.

Oh and just a quick follow up about the no alcohol thing at Skyshow thing I was crapping on about last week - miserable failure. Turned out that everyone who wanted to drink just got plastered before they headed in for the show. As a result spectator numbers were down and arrests were up 20% on 2008. In other words, fucking genius whoever came up with the idea.

Okay that pretty much covers the main shit. Now would be a time to pull on the rubber gloves, grab the lotion, box of tissues and prepare to be enthralled by what will be remembered as one of the <insert word> updates of all time. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Play THE Game - Touch Herself - Naughty Nurse - Wii Fit Babe - Tubby Jessica - Black BBW - Booty Motion

Satanic Dog - Oily Booties - Miss America's - Gorgeous Body - Extreme PB&J - Shower Shocker - Tasty Tease

Call On Me - Upskirt Much? - Megan Fox - Giant Cry Baby - Bourne Nutrition - Dramatic Chipmunk

As men age, we end up seeing more and more of the Medical establishment, which nowadays, has more and more women in it. For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
--
In a recent survey carried out, people from Chicago, Illinois have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
--
One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, a policeman stopped him. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.
--
When Madonna married Guy Ritchie she moved to London because she wanted to be more "English". She is now a single mother with 3 kids by 3 different fathers, one of whom is African. Job done!

ORSM VIDEO

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

SHYLA'S SHOWER TIME
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Siamese twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Fosters please".

The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, boys?" "Off to America next month actually," says Joe. "We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, America, "says the barman." Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that US crap," says Joe. "Meat Pies and beer," that's us, hey Jim? Jim agrees - "We can't stand the Yanks - they're arrogant, rude and egotistical."

"So why keep going to America?" asks the barman. Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex... The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Paddy replied, "No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week."

THAT SINKING FEELING
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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.

He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life... He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants?" she said, "Is to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half. "Which would you prefer?" she asked him, "Beautiful during the day... or at night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
OR,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, he said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now... what is the moral to this story? The moral is...

1. There is a witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!
2. If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

AMAZING WEDDING CAKES
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Ever so slowly catching up on the backlog of email and thankfully so - some absolutely stellar submissions of late, it was almost criminal to have them tucked away unseen. That said, if you would like to be one of the cool people and have your wares displayed for the world to see then simply --> click here <-- and simply email me. Simple.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Flash photo. No name please.
I was out walking with this cute mega babe the other night, and had the chance for some flash photography. Here is one of the pics.

But... where's the boobs...!? -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: boobs
Here's a pic of the tits on the girl I was fucking. Keep my info off please.

Symmetry like two perfect orbs. -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fancy a chicken tikka?
This is what you get when you work for a company that outsources their work to India! Some work to be proud of - 100% bowl coverage!!! Been like it for 3 days, the cleaners wont touch it! Dont post my details, thanks.
click to enlarge
Loz wrote:
Subject: Husband makes lunches for work...
For the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, a wife asked her husband if he would mind making the next day's lunches for them both. Obligingly he agrees. The next morning, the young wife asks her loving husband, 'Did you make our lunches, honey?' He replied, 'Yeah babe, they're on the second shelf of the fridge. Mine's on the left, yours is on the right.' Have a look at the photo... LOVE IT!!!
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Questionable gender...
Found this on a site where chicks tend to leave revealing pictures of themselves. However this one made me a little suspicious. Hide my info please.

It's like it... imploded. This is why you should not hold your wee too long. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Jay wrote:
Subject: Swimming with Polar Bears]
How cool is this! There's a place in the world where children can swim among polar bears. Since July 2004, in the little town of Cochrane, northern Ontario you can visit the Polar Bear Habitat, a kind of local zoo where people can live the once-in-a-lifetime experience of an outdoor swim with polar bears. Of course, the humans are in a different pool, separated from the bears habitat by just a layer of glass. Can you see the water drops now? There's a bulletproof, shatterproof glass that's almost 9 centimetres thick, because although they're cute, Polar bears are among the world's most ferocious carnivores.
click to enlarge
Cornel wote:
Subject: SIGN AT A BORDER-POST TOILET
Hi Orsm, This notice is on the South-African side of the Beit-bridge border post to Zimbabwe. Looking at the third "No", one would think that this particular paper would be ideal for the job. Obviously, it is not even good enough for a toilet.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Found a Disposable Camera
Buddy of mine found a disposable camera at a concert. He got the pictures developed and after a few family shots this is what we found. I figured they needed to be shared with the world. Hide my details. Love the site keep it up.
click for gallery

Marc wrote:
Subject: Shagin wgn
Spotted this virgin convesion panel van down Rockingham! Not bad

Had to be Rockin'ham! -Orsm

click for gallery

David wrote:
Subject: Your machine had a little damage during freight.
Ehh, Cap'n what be that bangin below ????

Ooops. -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some (hopefully) funny/ ex gf pics
Mr. Awesome (I'm a yank, I pronounce things funny!), [insert introductory ramblings here]. I figure it's time to donate to the community again. [Included are pics] of my ex to sweeten the pot, heh!  Cheers, and keep up the ever-flowing fountain of entertainment that is orsm.net! Feel free to edit/use my email and photos as needed, and no details, please.

click for gallery

xitz wrote:
Subject: AMAZING SIGHT IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC
The yacht 'Maiken'was traveling in the south Pacific when thecrewcame across a weird sight - It was sand in the water, and the sand was floating ON TOP of the waves. Look at these photos and try to imagine the feeling, the thrill of experiencing this phenomenon close-up.

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Jay wrote:
Subject: Calico Buck
So that is what a deer looks Like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here is a crazy Buck that a hunter got over in WI. He sent these pictures to a bunch of people to see what he could get and the owner of Cabela's paid him $13,000 for the head and hide. A calico buck like the one below is rarer then an albino.
click for gallery
Terry wrote:
Subject: ORANGE FESTIVAL
ORANGE FESTIVAL -Amsterdam, Netherlands. Orange you glad I shared this with you?
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: this is some pics of my ex (fuckin slut)
ex photos plz hold my info
click for gallery
Jesse wrote:
Subject: What the fuck
So about and hour ago, a "friend" of mine did this to my car... (See Pics) He claims he didn't see it as he was backing out. I claim he's a worthless piece of fucking shit who needs to go swallow a knife. If you can't tell from the pics it was a 2008 Dodge Charger. If you could post this on your awesome site it might make my Thursday a little less depressing. I still owe about $25,000 USD on the car.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some fucked up shit
Hide the details of course. My friends little brother gave me his computer to fix and I asked if there were any cool pictures of some chicks on there and he said, "No but threre are pictures of me wearing a thong in there." I was like what the fuck dude, your kidding.... Well....
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex
Mr ORSM, long time lingere, first time poster. love the site. Here are pics of my ex girlfriend. Love that ass don't you.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Awesome site! + some pics
Awesome site dude! Thought you could use these for your site. This girl is a slut and used to be a friend until she starting fucking every guy she knew. She fucked my friends, friends of my friends, etc. Now she thinks that she is some glam model. Anonymous.
click for gallery
click for gallery click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Is this normal?
Every time I do coke I dress up in womans underwear. Im not gay but I gets me going. Is this normal? Are there other guys out there that do this too. Please do not put my details on site

Hot. No... wait...!! Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pakistan man tried to sell me his wife
I had a guy mail me, he said he just came to america from pakistan and wanted to sell me a night with his wife and to contact him back to discuss the costs. Anywho, the pic he sent to me was linked through photobucket, so I went to the album he had the picture in and found a few other interesting pics. Hide my info, thanks.

That's fucking creepy as fuck. -Orsm

click for gallery

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

A guy is driving around the back woods of Louisiana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down Cajun cabin: "Talking Dog for Sale".

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the US Army Special Forces.  You know the reputation of them Green Berets."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.  So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Army (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in  I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.  I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's such a bullshitter. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!"

VERONIQUE VEGA
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RANDOM SHITE
You're going to love it this week. Probably the cleanest RS for quite a while. Either that or you've just been lulled into a false sense of security. One minute you're happily clicking through RS, the next BANG! the image of a dyslexic midget slurping a turtles menstrual blood whilst chatting online is burned in your head forever. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...

"Dactor, it's me arse. I'd loik ya ta take a look, if ya want". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake take it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc... finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..."

SEXY SIDE BOOB
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A deaf mute man is working his way up in the Triads and finally gets the job of collecting "protection" money on a small patch in China Town.  After a few weeks though he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Triad bosses however soon realise that they are short by about $40,000 and send their best enforcer to sort it out.

He finds the deaf mute collector and asks him where the money is, but they can't communicate so the enforcer drags the guy to one of the poor restaurant owners who he knew could use sign language.

"Ask him where the money is." The restaurant owner signs to the man who'd been terrorising the neighbourhood for weeks "Where's the money?" The deaf mute replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the enforcer this, who immediately pulls out a gun and points in the collector's mouth. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The terrified deaf-mute signs back, "The $40,000 is in deposit box 542 at Paddington Station and the key is in the glove compartment of my car."

The restaurant owner says to the Triad, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger, and your mother is a prostitute who works the docks for little or no money."

ORSM VIDEO


And that be it so woooo. The next few days are going to be huge, jam packed with fun filled activities, most likely culminating in a big, dirty hangover. Unless something bad happens, or possibly something good, I'll be back to do my thing next week. Hey before you go...

- Check out the site archives. Full of shenanigans.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Join me for more shenanigans.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will put very fine shards of glass in all your meals. All will be well for a while until you eventually start coughing up blood. Your insides will be shredded and no one will be able to work out why. Ray's shenanigans are mean. Evil shenanigans. Dont fuck with him.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Happy 30th Trev! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.01.22-23.48
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Dick yeah!

Hidey-ho. So too early in the year to start with an 'it's all going so quickly' thing or what? Honestly the last week has flown by so fast with so much crammed into it I can barely keep track. Inauguration of a new President, mass job losses all around the place and barely a free moment to scratch my bum. Definitely a hit-the-ground-running January.

Was somewhat unsurprised by the engagement announcement of one of my siblings over the weekend. The signs were there a few months ago and I actually managed to pick when and where it would go down. The only bad thing is that I didn't tell anyone so it can't be proved. Really kind of bitter sweet - ecstatic for them but a chance to again demonstrate my brilliance was missed.

That now brings the total engagements for the last couple of months to eight. Add to that three pregnancy announcements and very quickly it's shaping up to be an intense present buying year... so much so that I'm thinking it may finally be time to enact the sham engagement to recoup some of the outlay...

Moving on... we got nailed late last week with some brutally hot weather. This, as it turns out, brings the firebugs scurrying out to get their thrills. Deliberately burning shit is something I've never really understood and for the record the house catching alight and burning to death in my sleep is one of my biggest fears.

Anyway I heard the first report at 8am Friday saying a fire was ablaze in Kings Park. KP is pristine bush and park land that borders part of the CBD and overlooks the city [see below in reader mail]. This was followed up by a couple of other fires around the metro. Odd that a fire would start from natural causes that early in the day so pretty obvious it was deliberate but what I found most interesting was some response coordinator guy on the radio. He said that the firebugs will start a fire at one place [hottest days are best for maximum burn] and then drive somewhere miles away and start another. In the mean time all the resources are deployed on the initial fire and the second blaze has more time to take hold and destroy shit. How fucking crazy is that? I've been wondering what has to go wrong in a person's brain for that to be cool. Not only are properties destroyed, houses burnt down, lives ruined but the sheer amount of wildlife that must fall victim is horrific PLUS the destroyed bushland will take up to 20 years to fully regenerate. Fuck I hope they catch the person/people responsible. Don't bother charging them - just hand their arses over to the fire-fighters and enjoy the show...

Australia Day long weekend ahead which means a day off and the annual Sky Show. Basically 300,000 people descend upon the city and line the river to watch 30 minutes of really good fireworks. Personally with all the traffic and mayhem I prefer to watch the replay at home and especially this year with the totally gay 'restrictions' being placed on anyone attending. In a nutshell - no booze. All to help curb lout behaviour... retards that drink too much and cause trouble, start fights etc. The knock on effect is normal people just enjoying a casual drink with their mates and not bothering anyone can't consume a drop either. The cops have the right to confiscate and empty into a bin while you look on in disgust. Far too far in my opinion. Firstly, unfair that the majority suffers because of the minority and secondly, it's not as if the people they don't want drinking won't find a way to do it anyway.

Alright enough with the riveting social commentary. Let's do the update thing shall we? Before we do let me just say that this is easily the best update of the year to date and you bastards better enjoy it because there isn't going to be another one like it for ATLEAST a week. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Blondie Strips - Totem Tribe - Perfection - Naughty Sexretary - Great Prank - Suck It Down - Reverse Anal

Aniston Hotness - Stunning Beauty - Nasty Bitch - It's Dildo Time - Got The Moves - The Clap - Latina Godess

Star Wars Retold - Whatever I Like - No Pants? - Aint Aussie!! - Hilarity Ensues - Feel The Burn - On The Line

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Paddy says, "neither did I until you shone that light on her face.
--
You are on the bus when you suddenly realise... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod.
--
A man on a beach sees a shark near a child in the shallows. Ignoring personal safety, he dives in the water and, with his bare hands, kills the shark. He brings the tot to shore and is met with tumultuous applause from spectators. "Geez, mate" says a reporter "You should get a medal. What part of Australia are you from?" Modestly our hero says: "Actually I'm from England" The next days newspaper headline says "Pommy mongrel kills child's pet"

ORSM VIDEO

In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of its forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets..

Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place when this man takes up residency in this house.

This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character.

There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly.

But I for one will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house. Today, I thank the lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible...

OJ Simpson

FAREWELL GEORGE... THANKS FOR EVERTYTHING YOU'VE GIVEN US!

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is "to be prepared"."
"Justice ought to be fair."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"Reading is the basics for all learning."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I will never forget."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"I have opinions of my own -strong opinionsbut I don't always agree with them."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"When the governor calls, I answer his phone."
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
"(The Taliban) have no disregard for human life"
"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be... hold hands."
"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
"It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"I'm honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
"General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."
"I think we agree, the past is over."
"America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienalienable right of life."
"There's an old saying in Tennessee I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, fool me once, shame on shame on you. Fool me you can't get fooled again."
"I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it."
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
"You wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."
"My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions."
"Sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past."
"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe"
"There is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
"I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."
"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to… the beauty of playing baseball."
"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end."
"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one."
"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
"(I will) keep good relations with the Grecians."
"I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport."
"We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mum or a dad."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"I'm sure you can imagine it's an unimaginable honour to live here."
"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"They misunderestimated me."
"I've coined new words, like 'misunderstanding'."
"Public speaking is very easy."

AUDREY BITONI
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Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in DC. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary."

The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Yale, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious."

The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In kindergarten, I learned not to piss on my hands."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US. Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in.

The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mum: "Hello mum, guess what?" "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such great time!"

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mum? I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to DETROIT in the first place!"

TENNIS HOTTIES
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Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"

Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?"

Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it."

Later when they returned to the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by a motel and you said "No". But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?"

Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over."

BAD TATTOOS
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Mail submissions this year have been nothing short of fucking awesome and add to that my inbox is getting slammed harder than a Thai ladyboy when the sailors are in town. Honestly if it weren't for the stuff that lands in my email every day I would have bailed this web shit years ago. That said, it doesn't mean you fuckers can slack off! If you haven't sent me something/anything recently/ever then you almost suck more at life than I rule at it so stop what you're doing and get to it! Just click HERE.

Ben wrote:
Subject: Some crazy dudes party invite....read on
If you remember the bloke a couple of months back who tried to pay for his credit card bill with a drawing of a spider, this is the same guy....... starts off with the below note which was posted through his apartment door..........followed by his reply to the invitation via email.

Jay wrote:
Subject: A lady educates U.S. Senators.
The lady tells it like it is!!!. Anytime one right is taken, all others are in jeopardy of following suit. A lady educates U. S. Senators on the 2nd. Amendment. Pay close attention to her closing  statement. If you missed it; play over and over until you get the point. After watching the video all I can say is: Watch their faces as she speaks. She understands the 2nd Amendment in a way that they never will. Pass this clip to everyone you know.

Matt F. wrote:
Subject: Evening!
Hey orsm, long time reader, first time caller. Great Site. Yadda yadda. I was just pouring over your most recent update when i came across the Bike Rider Accident photos that suggested the kid on the bike lived. I've seen those photos several times over the last few years and every retelling till now has told of the kid dying. Just looking at the close up profile shot, you can see how distended his neck was. Your neck doesn't bend like that naturally. Nor is it normally that long. He's dead. Just thought i would share my 2 bits.
Dave wrote:
Subject: Re: Spot the second Vagina
Even those of us in the U.S. recognize her. And it's a certain bet that Orsm knows her too. You probably know her on a personal level. She's Aussie Jewel. Known [of] her long time. Her web site is aussiejewel.com.

Ron wrote:
Subject: Mule killing couger
Great place you have here and I'm always waiting for the next update. Hope you enjoyed your time off over the holidays. Anyhow, here's the real deal on the cat killin hybrid horse.

derrel wrote:
Subject: odd sign
I ran this by a few of my railroader friends and they think that the sign is to warn of going to fast around the curve and possibly rolling a car with toxic contents.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Commando Musician
Hi, Long time ORSM viewer/fan /worshipper yaddah, yaddah. This is one of the hot and upcoming musicians from Kenya. Her name is Amani, meaning peace in Kiswahili. Well here's a piece of Piece. Withhold my details please.

Corn flakes I think... -Orsm

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roochutes wrote:
Subject: Warning Placard
G'day Massa ORSM. I was over in Nha Trang in Viet Nam last week. I was keen to check out the Vinpearl Amusement park which is situated on an island off hte mainland and the only way to get there is by cable car. That is, until I read the warning placard... eioee gave that a miss....
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
G'day Mr Orsm, Normally not one to email stuff to you but you have GOT to have a look at this. Front page newsin Mackay, North Queensland. All this rain brings out the best in the locals.... Please withhold my details.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
hey here is a pick of this dumb bitch i dated, a little chunky i know do as you please with the pic, but please hide my details n info cheers

Hot. More? -Orsm

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John wrote:
Subject: The new fashion statement for mug shots!
The Chicago police dept has no mugshots with Bush on their t-shirts. Anyone out there have any mugshots of people wearing any Bush or McCain shirts? Didn't think so!! This was sent by a Chicago Police Officer, by the way.............

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HK Fan wrote:
Subject: Photo's From Hong Kong
G'day Mate, I live in Hong Kong and often walk around the back streets of the city. Thought you would enjoy this sign - maybe you can use it on the site if you haven¹t had it sent to you previously. Keep up the great work. Cheers.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nasty ho pic
Here's a pic of ho I met on Craigslist. She's a dirty dirty girl. Do what you want with the pic please withhold my info. I'm a huge fan of your site, keep up the great work!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: US News
Great site, longtime viewer my first contribution blah blah, Australian living in the Caribbean check out some typical 'current news' US style. Please withhold details and keep up the good work...
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click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic for orsm 2
Hey orsm love our web site dude it rocks!!!!!! here are some pics of a bird i know from uni pissing in public, Twice... Cheers.... Hide my details

When you gotta go... you're pics are going to end up on Orsm. -Orsm

Johnee wrote:
Subject: Starving People in Ohio...So They Say
You just can't make this stuff up... "Poor Ohio Family Forced to Scrimp on Food" Angelica Hernandez and her mother, Gloria Nunez, struggle to make ends meet on a very limited budget. NPR aired a sad piece on the Nunez family in Ohio who can no longer afford meat. Gloria Nunez has never worked. She says that since her car broke down (imagine that?) her daughter can't look for a job either. And, they're scrimping on food: The rising cost of food means their money gets them about a third fewer bags of groceries - $100 used to buy about 12 bags of groceries, but now it's more like seven or eight. They could probably do just fine with a few bags less of groceries, but that's just me. A little walking probably wouldn't hurt either.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: more random shite
hey Orsm, happy new year. i took some pictures of Kings Park on the weekend. its seriously fucked! hope they catch the asshole who lit it and set him on fire. please withhold details etc

So so sad to see that shit. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fire at the Collie recreation ground grandstand.
This was sent to me by a Deputy Cheif Bush Fire Control Officer. This is the grand-stand at the Collie recreation ground just before 7am, Sunday morning.. A piece of Collies history disappearing. Take care this long HOT summer. Name and details withdrawn please
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics for orsm
Hey Orsm, love your sight and hope to contribute , here are pics of my X gobbling my log. Cheers, Hide my details
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Beer fridges
Orsm dude. Thanks for yet another cracking year of Friday inspiration. Keep up the good work in '09. In relation to Wesley's photo of every man's beer fridge - pathetic effort sunshine!!!! I even have a goon sack for desperate times..... Please see attached photos, and keep all details secure thanks. Enjoy your Christmas and New Year, and we are all looking forward to update 1 2009.
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Jay wrote:
Subject: Victoria Butchart Gardens in the snow
First snow in Victoria in 12 years. Errr, snow that stayed for more than a day.

Could only be better on acid... or so I would imagine. -Orsm

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Corey wrote:
Subject: duddddde. some revenge exgirlfriend pics for you and your site mayne ;)
so been dating this beautiful girl for a year now, around our year anniversary we find out she's pregnant! YAYYY!!! Except its not my kid. So she's a fucking whore, and i don't care who sees it. Yet another example of how long distance relationships don't work. if you consider 35 minutes long distance. Please don't post my email. ;))
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PEDRO wrote:
Subject: Branding logos after the crisis
BRANDING LOGOS AFTER THE CRISIS
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Dave wrote:
Subject: Possible Use
The temperatures in Harbin are often enough to minus 40°C and remain over a half year under the freezing point. This city is appropriate for approx. 450 km in Chinese Manchuria, northwest from Wladiwostok in Siberia. Here one can converse in the winter best by a “open air festival”! The inhabitants of Harbin a match with snow and ice sculptures organize each year. It is a competition around the most beautiful buildings. The building of snow and ice sculptures has its origin already in the Mandschu time, the first exhibition was only 1963. The annual festival dates however starting from 1985. Since then the festival grew to a mass Event, to which millions tourists come from all over the world. Thus the sculptures became more beautiful and more artistic each year; this bear is a small part 50 meters is enough for wall sculpture.

Greg wrote:
Subject: Improperly secured load
Another reason why you don't use brakes

Probably also another reason you shouldn't pull out in front of trucks. -Orsm

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Georgert wrote:
Subject: No Pants Ski Bum
A Vail Resorts skier had his ass kicked and exposed by an uncooperative chairlift. Apparently the chair was partially up when it came around the bullwheel and when he sat down he just dropped through the chair ending up suspended by one ski that wedged on his way down. The snowboarders are going to have to really step up to match this ballsy skier who brings sagging to a whole new level. Keep up the good work.
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fritzzz fritzzz wrote:
Subject: some photos to share
Here are a few photos of a chick I was giving the cock to. She liked to take photos and send them to me.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Happy New Year
Happy New Year Mr Orsm, love the site...easily the best on the net. Here's my little contribution, please withhold my details.
click to watch video

Marc wrote:
Subject: Aboriginal arrested
Classic sound file hahahahaha. All i know is that some  transit cops busted that Aboriginal on the midland train line and held him till police got there . He wasnt to happy haha

Absolutely fucking hilarious. Gets funnier every time I listen to it. -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

HEALTH Q & A [AMERICAN STYLE]

Q: I'VE HEARD THAT CARDIOVASCULAR EXERCISE CAN PROLONG LIFE - IS THIS TRUE?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
 
Q: SHOULD I CUT DOWN ON MEAT AND EAT MORE FRUITS AND VEGETABLES?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
 
Q: SHOULD I REDUCE MY ALCOHOL INTAKE?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
 
Q: HOW CAN I CALCULATE MY BODY/FAT RATIO?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
 
Q: WHAT ARE SOME OF THE ADVANTAGES OF PARTICIPATING IN A REGULAR EXERCISE PROGRAM?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... good!
 
Q: AREN'T FRIED FOODS BAD FOR YOU?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
 
Q: WILL SIT-UPS HELP PREVENT ME FROM GETTING A LITTLE SOFT AROUND THE MIDDLE?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
 
Q: IS CHOCOLATE BAD FOR ME?
A: ARE YOU CRAZY? HELLO COCOA BEANS! ANOTHER VEGETABLE!!! IT'S THE BEST feel-good food around!
 
Q: IS SWIMMING GOOD FOR YOUR FIGURE?
If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
 
Q: IS GETTING IN-SHAPE IMPORTANT FOR MY LIFESTYLE?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

HOLY FUCKING HOLLY!!
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RANDOM SHITE
You know. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Now here's a thought... if you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, try this:

1. Go to Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
2. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
3. Demand that all nurses and doctors be fluent in English, and that all food be cooked according to your special specifications in the hospital
4. Demand free local government forms, bulletins, etc. Be printed in English.
5. Procreate abundantly.
6. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive Behaviour with, 'It is a cultural thing; you wouldn't understand.'
7. Keep your original identity strong. Fly your previous country's national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window, or on your car bumper.
8. Speak only English at home and in public, and make sure that your children do likewise.
9. Demand classes on English culture in the Muslim school system.
10. Demand a local country driver license or national insurance number equivalent
11. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence in Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq
12. Drive around with no MOT, tax or insurance and ignore local traffic laws.
13. Insist that local country law enforcement teaches English to all its officers.
14. Organise protest marches against your host country, inciting violence against non-white, non-Christians, and the government that let you in.

Good luck! You'll soon be dead. It would never happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq (or any other country in the world for that matter) except in the UK, US, Canada or Australia, because we are run by soft, politically correct politicians that are too scared to 'offend' anyone.

YOU TRUCKED UP DUDE
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A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed. The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing, the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to Strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed".

With that a terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice... "Shit, I missed."

ORSM VIDEO


Well that's about all I've got in me dudes. Absolutely mammoth effort getting this bad boy stuck together so hopefully it was worth the time you spent surfing it. If not, too bad. Just quickly before I go...

- Check out the site archives. Eight or nine years of updates, porn, jokes, videos and RS. Truly sick.
- I guess next update will be next Thursday...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will filter your internet and stop you from visiting Orsm.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and show me your boobs. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.01.15-23.41
Eat me! Eat me!

Welcome to Orsm.net. Been chatting to a 14 year old girl online. She's funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me she is an undercover cop! How cool is that at her age!?

A while back I asked for a little help from you guys to vote for my mate Brett in the Cosmo's Hottest Bar Tender comp. Let me tell you about Brett - great guy, world class bartender, hung like a horse and a staunch heterosexual. Voting finishes on the 31st so it would be fucking awesome if you could all click here and vote for him again... please!

It's about this time of year I usually get on here and start bitching about the fucking heat but much to my own surprise -let alone anyone else's- I'm really not all that fazed by it... for the moment anyway. We got belted with 39.7oC [104oF] today and even taking into consideration that my well worn air-condish struggled through the peak it was relatively bearable. That will no doubt change in coming weeks when the humidity rears its ugly head and you guys can expect some riveting-cant-look-away blogging from yours truly.

So who else likes to clings to shit, resists change and generally annoys themselves with their own insane ways? There's got to be a few of you. I have a mindset [possibly linked to undiagnosed OCD] where if something works well enough or is comfortable or I can live with it, I leave it alone. Shoes are a good example. Haven't bought a new pair for a couple of years now. Not because I'm and tight arse or have a drug habit that takes priority. I have my system - a pair for going out, one for the garden, for day to day, for around the house and so on. They're all pretty well worn but still more than wearable so why change or replace... right?

That brings us to my PC keyboard. I've had two in the last 10 years. The first one lasted for yonks until keys got a bit gummy and the second one until last Friday. Still usable, just extremely dirty and full of crumbs and grit so time for a new one. I've had my eye on a Logitech keyboard/mouse combo for about 6 months so suitable procrastination time achieved I toddled off to buy. Get the thing home, de-box and plug in. The mouse instantly finds a place in my top drawer - too awkward and light but the keyboard however looks great, keys feel 'right' and most of all its clean... BUT... I suddenly hate this thing more than gay people. More than my old 56k modem! Keys have been excluded, wireless doesn't work properly, it's too high, there's no scroll wheel [which it turns out I used constantly] and most of all EVERYTHING is in different positions.

I forced myself to give it a go for a week, try and get used to it but if you could see my chat logs and associated typos you would understand why it'll be taking up residence in my junk room as of tomorrow. At very least it was a good way to waste of $100. So who can recommend something? I don't want a gaming keyboard or wireless or zoom or any other crap I'll never use, just has to be GOOD. Email me!

Moving on to the weekend... managed to set aside Saturday afternoon to finally expunge the south west from both interior and exterior of my car. I'm that guy who everyone always asks "How do you keep your car so clean? Mines filthy". It's very simple dudes - wash regularly. Anyway two hours just to get the inside properly clean and same again for the outside but by the time I was done my baby was back to perfection.

It was at this point I picked up my friends dog so she could stay over and hit the beach with us Sunday. I didn't even get annoyed that she slobbered all over the spotlessly clean window. So off to the beach the next morning, we do our thing, get both dogs washed and head to the car. On the way back she runs through the sand. That's okay I think to myself... huge blanket covering the back seat. In goes my dog and in goes my friends - sand and all. I close the door at which point she decides the back just won't do and jumps into the front. Sand absolutely fucking everywhere and I start screaming, drag her out, back in the back and head home while she slobbers up the other back window. Once home all that was required was another hour in stifling heat to get it all clean again...!

A few days later I can see the funny side but if there's one thing my friends will tell you I'm absolutely pedantic about, if there's one thing you can mess with that will push my buttons like nothing else then it's my car and this dog went above and beyond the call. There's a place for this little dog in comedy heaven right next to the big guys chair.

Looks like I got a little carried away with my rambling so now would probably be a good time to STFU and begin with the update. I fell way short of time this week - catching up on three weeks of submissions was a fucking killer so if you think this update doesn't meet your standards please let me know why. Be sure to include a link to your own update so I too can critique. That said... check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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Click for more awesomeness

Did You Know - Play Time - Brilliant Acting - Beautiful Butt - Nooooo!!! - How U Fix It - Elmo Poops - Too Damn Fine

Supergirls - Lez It Up - Holy Holly - Cam Babe - Flex-ability - Bootyful - Bikini Comp - Contortionist - Black Blubber

Raid Gaza - What A Loser - Slam Contest - Lick It All - Bad Mothering - Kathy Snaps - Fish Dog - I'm White

My mate went for a meal at his local Chinese restaurant.  Having just finished his meal he asked the waiter if he could speak to the chef. The chef arrived at his table and my mate said, "That chicken was fucking rubbery". The chef replied, "Ah, fank you velly much".
--
The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing. Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!" "No, madam," replied the Chinaman. "Me come to get laundry."
--
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.  A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.  "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies ... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!" The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"

ORSM VIDEO

A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. "Where have you been?" she screams. "It's 4 in the morning!"

He says, "Aw, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink… but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, and so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men's Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals… Man, it was wonderful."

"I don't believe that story for one goddamn minute," his wife said. "What was this place called?""Hell," he replies, "I can't remember… I got too drunk, and I forgot.""You're gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I'm going to divorce you!" she said.

The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under "Bars," but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he'll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He's called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff.

"Here," the man says, handing the phone to his wife. "Ask this bartender if I'm lying!"

The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night: the rail, the shot glasses, the mirrors, the table posts, the cash register, etc. Finally, she says, "Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals. Do you?"

The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell, "Hey Mike!! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone!"

KRYSTAL STEAL
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An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations.

Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.

Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts:

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "lolita" and "jail bait" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers birthday", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never fuck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely, Ted Brewer.

SELF SHOT
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A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little man what's wrong.

"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man. "Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as much as I can do." So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off.

A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is. "I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls. So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do." He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off.

A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you little blue poof, what planet are you from and what the fuck do you want?" And the little man answers, "Your driver's license, please...".

WHO'S HUNGRY?
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READER MAIL
As I mentioned above, there just wasn't enough hours in the week to get everything done in time for this update. That isn't to say this week's RM sucks - quite the opposite. It's easily the best one since last week and there are more than a few submissions so good that several of you will literally shit yourselves laughing. Once you're done though please feel free to bombard me with all the crap you have in your inbox. To do that you must click here. Simple. Check it...

Peter wrote:
Subject: Grade 3 Assingment
A co-worker of mine, his wife is a school teacher.Attached is an assingment handed in by an 8 year old in her class. I do beleive that this paper was handed in by her 8 year old student;I do beleive that this 8 year old wrote this paper; BUTThere is no way in you are going to convince me, these are the thoughs of an 8 year old. LMAO, every sentence has a second meaning, read carefully!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny Pic for your website
Love your website. This is a funny foto doing the rounds at the moment. Would love to see it posted on your site. Here's the link, however i've attached the pics as well in case they get removed from facebook.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: snowblower
not a whole lot to do in the midwest in the states during the winter so we used our imagination, please withhold my details, keep up the good work
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Face recognition
New digital camera feature. Damned clever, those Japanese.

I better get a mask... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Jayson wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
I dont know if anyone pointed this out but there is a funny coincidence on readers mail...

Few people got this. I missed it. -Orsm

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James wrote:
Subject: Funny Picture!! mr orsm
Hey champ! Another aussie here. Here's a picture of my ingrown toenail i had about 3 years ago. I had to get it chopped out. 5 needles in my toe later and she's back to looking normal.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: WOW. Look at these!
Here is a great shot I found while surfing on myspace....
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rod wrote:
Subject: xxxx angel
had to share with everyone my photo of a xxxx angel at bathurst 2008. zoom it up boys and happy new year.

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: BEER
Hey, saw a picture of some guys fridge full of beer...thought id show a picture of our fridge! college life is great. Purdue University... Boiler Up! dont show my info please
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tecnik2 wrote:
Subject: Beer fridge
I liked the man fridge pic in your last update. Reminded me of our house warming earlier this year. This is the conservatory/2nd fridge which I had to dismantle slightly (bottom door tray missing) in order to get more booze in. We had to get this spare fridge since the one in the kitchen was already full (of beer of course).
click to enlarge
Jay wrote:
Subject: HAVE YOU SEEN MY MOOSE?
Pogo Moose Incident - Fairbanks , Alaska. 'They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for miles. The moose are rutting right now and very agitated. He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables. When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big equipment, the moose went up with them.. They noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem. He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground. He was a huge 60 inch bull and slightly peeved!'
click to enlarge

glened wrote:
Subject: Add on cracker.com
Hi Mr Orsm, Saw this ad on Cracker.com. Make of it what you will. Cheers.

Her parents must be so proud! -Orsm

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Jim wrote:
Subject: I know i sent you a website the other day but...
I find this the most humorous thing i've personally found on craigslist with out checking the tranny pages...
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JB wrote:
Subject: Photo
Hello Mr Orsm. Regular reader, first submission ...regarding the dog-eating-squirrel pic... I reckon my cat did better. see attached.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Spot the second Vagina
Mr Orsm, Here is a picture of a very hot chick...... that appears to have two Vagina's.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Check out the fifth headline!
Check out the fifth headline! Please don't show details, if you can use it. Thanks.
click to enlarge

Chris wrote:
Subject: pic for random shyte
Hey Orsm - here's a little photoshop mod on "Shirtless Obama".  Amazing what you can do with one letter taken out of a header.    Thanks, don't post my details, or the homeland security will put me on the no-fly list.

click to enlarge
Vicky wrote:
Subject: maybe useful pic
This is Vicky. Got drunk after a couple bottles of champagne over Christmas with a couple of our neighbours. This is the result. Do with it what you will.
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click to enlarge click to enlarge

Dubs wrote:
Subject: welding
good welding vs bad welding

Looks aren't everything... no wait... they are. -Orsm

Dale wrote:
Subject: one more...
I was stationed on a place called Diego Garcia in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Beautifully secluded island, but it sucked having to work there. Anyway, if you've never seen 'em before, they have these things called coconut crabs that get fucking humongous and scare the shit out of you if you're out drunk at night and almost step on one! Here's a Royal Marine with a big one (but certainly not the biggest I've seen!). Cheers!

click to enlarge

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he discovered a little Leprechaun flat on his back, with a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief."I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologise." And the golfer walked away.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year went by, and the American golfer came back. On the same hole, he again hit a bad drive into the wood and the Leprechaun was there waiting for him. "T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy said "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer replied. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He then added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer answered. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's your sex life?"

The golfer blushed, and turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What?" responded the Leprechaun in shock."That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," said the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

MIKAYLA
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RANDOM SHITE
The way this works is... I stick a whole bunch of random images together and you guys surf through them not knowing what is going to come next. That's the fun part... it could be anything. A sweet set of boobs or a midget covered in faeces taking a massive facial from another dude. You'll just never know until you check it...

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." He said.

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" she asked. "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

HIS & HERS
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A hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Georgia. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?" The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You tell me. You're the expert."

ORSM VIDEO


Aaaaaaand we're done. Good to be back and in full swing already... even if that wasn't the plan. I foolishly hoped January would be a slack one but there is far too much to do - if I let everything slide shit will pile up and before you know it my late in the year breakdown will come all too early. Anyway...

- Check out the site archives. They really good. Really.
- Next update will be next Thursday and for the next 50 after that.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will call you up for a chat while he's touching his dick.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIELLE. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.01.08-23.22
Tongue goes HERE

Welcome to Orsm.net. It protects the front of the car from stone chips - what's so hard to understand?

Howdy bro's. Happy New Year. Everyone have a good one? Okay enough about you... let's talk about ME. I've crammed so much into the last few weeks it feels like months since we last spoke. Matter of fact it's only been three weeks but the last time I had three weeks off anything was back when hammer pants were cool.

My holidays officially came to an end last nite - bunch of friends over, BBQ, beers, great time. Exactly what summer is all about although quickly bitter sweet when I realised that for the next 50 or so consecutive Wednesday nites I'll be chained to the computer working on updates. Damn you internets!

So where to begin... the lead up to Christmas and the associated highs and lows perhaps? Catching up with various friends and fam that were back in town - highs. Leaving shopping until the last minute and trying to reunite warring parties - lows. Christmas Day itself was the worst one since I was told to 'get out' on Xmas Eve 6 or 7 years ago [not my fault I swear]. Anyway complete shit and will also be known as the day I lost faith in my long held 'take them as they are' belief. I'm so sick to fucking death of people who have no fucking comprehension of the meaning behind Christmas. It's meant to be about family and friends and not having a shitty time. I let myself get sucked in this year. Approached it with optimism only to have be taught yet another lesson about how people really only care about themselves. My parting words after lunch were along the lines of don't expect to see me next year. I'm flying solo for the day - sleep in, cook a bird and relax. No bullshit. No stress. No politics. No arguing. No stubbornness. Just me and the pooch hanging out.

With that all out of the way, from Xmas nite when friends rocked over for drinks and chit-chat until now has been the longest streak of awesomeness in living memory. Boxing Day - hit the beach, came home to spend two hours looking for keys accidentally stolen by a friend, washed car, cleaned house, went to a BBQ and packed my bags.

The next day was the long awaited trip down south. Destination: Yallingup. Turns out that this was also the case for about a billion other people too. Who'd have thought 2 days after Xmas half the city would be heading out of town? Seemingly not us. A trip that usually takes about 2.5 hours ended up taking 5. Fucking frustrating moving at walking pace, bumper to bumper in what should be a 110kmh [65mph] zone but nonetheless amusement was had ogling and mocking other motorists.

The next seven days were close to perfect. The house we scored was deluxe. Almost brand new, air-conditioned, ocean views and close to everything. For those that know the area - it backed onto Caves House so the Sunday Session was well within staggering distance. House party for New Years - stayed up all night, partied hard and eventually crawled into bed around sunrise. The rest of the time was spent on the beach, hitting wineries, raiding the bakery and catching up with various friends who were also down there. Do not even get me started on bikini clad hotties practically everywhere.

The only shit I can really complain about is the plague proportion flies and how busy it was. Every trip I've made south in recent years was well away from school holidays and in the middle of winter so you more or less have the place to yourself. This time was close to chaos - parking hard to find, cues of people everywhere etc. Of course my biggest gripe was other fucking drivers. The amount of times I got stuck behind a retard doing 15-20kms under the limit defies belief and being single lane country roads there is no overtaking for miles and even then with bucket loads of traffic coming the other way you can't do a damn thing. It's very simple - if the sign says '90' you go 90. Don't be scared. That how fast the road is designed for. If you can't handle driving at high-ish speeds then don't fucking drive them.

Okay so you guys are wondering WTF happened to the promised 1st of Jan update. I know this because of the many "Orsm, WTF happened to the promised 1st Jan update" emails. Truth be told I was 300km away from reality, not all that close to an internet connection, having a relaxing time and the last thing -the very very last thing- I wanted to do was waste a few days tap-tap-tapping away on the laptop. I'm sure most of you survived...

Before we get started... an ever so slight format change in this week's update. No doubt there'll be some of you already typing the "you're a sellout" emails before even scrolling down but rest assured everything will be back to normal next week... unless I find something better to do... we are in the middle of a heatwave here soooo...

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READER MAIL
So as you all know there is generally a crap load of email filling my inbox every day. I try to post as much as I can but due to space limitations it just isn't possible. That in mind I thought it would be a good time of the year to fill an entire update with the some of the many, many submissions that didn't quite make it during 2008. Before you all cry and get upset about the normal update going missing you should keep in mind that there's probably two or three updates worth of content below! Enjoy...

Ciaphus wrote:
Subject: Thirteen
Hey colonial lazy arse, So you put all this shit together on a Wednesday for me to check out on a friday..so what do you do the rest of the week..You get more time off than rip van winkles bedside light..so please no more bustin my balls by how hard you work in that aussie paradise. PS..the ashes are coming home, were gonna stuff ponting and his primadonnas, we will have him on his knees again..cant wait!!

Terry wrote:
Subject: X I am not sure if I will have time in the next few days to get on line X
I am not sure if I will have time in the next few days to get on line. Right now my car is in the shop and they have a new mechanic. It will require a great deal of my time supervising to make sure the job gets done correctly.
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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Bridge in Alberta
This is the actual turn-off From Banff, Alberta, Canada to the #1 highway to Calgary. They had to build the animals (especially the elk) their own crossing because that was where the natural crossing was and after the highway was built there were far too many accidents. It didn't take the animals long to learn that this was their very own bridge! And then you have some people saying ' Animals are stupid '. Ummm the boots on the other foot i'd say
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Barry wrote:
Subject: South African Medicine-Men
Hi Mr ORSM, Here is something you can put under your mail section or even Random Shite. The first pic is a "business card" of a local "herbalist" - also known here as a Medicine-Man / Witchdoctor / Sangoma / Traditional Healer. Their main clients/patients/suckers are the native African people. The second is a flyer I snapped in a town that advertises abortions for R350 (about $50 AUS), also targeted at the native Africans here. It seems rather 'expensive' as I've seen flyer's around the country that offer the same service for as little as R200 ($28 AUS). Sad how cheap life has become in this country.
Pagey wrote:
Subject: The Arts
Forgot to send you this pic from a hotel compendium in Cape Town, South Africa. Almost makes you want to become a patron of the arts. I should have visited both....
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: for/from the mailbag
I was in London recently. I had just spent part of a beautiful afternoon drinking cider and watching Man U win the Premiership at the Zetland Arms in South Kensington. After the match, I'm outside having a smoke when this thing pulls up to the corner, My shitty camera phone doesn't do it justice. And, yes, it appears to be a Ferrari. I wasn't the only person shaking my head saying, what the fuck was that?
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: personal massager
Found this ad in a catalouge aimed at elderly consumers.Would be interesting to see the reaction it granny whipped this out while the family was around.Please hide email details.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Scott Dixon
This dude (Aussie-born Kiwi) earned US$2,988,000 for winning the Indy 500 last weekend. no details please
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Iggy wrote:
Subject: Gene Pool Pissers
Not sure if you could find a place for this, but I have a photo that could classify under "Please don't breed." This was a wedding photo for the pederast on the right. The retard on the left conducted the ceremony. The ceremony itself was like being on a crashing plane with the U.S. Special Olympics Team when they find out there will be fire trucks waiting at the airport. "Fire trucks! Fire trucks!"
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ben wrote:
Subject: THE TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU SAID YOU WANT TO SEE THE TWINS... WELL HERE THEY ARE!!!!!
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Reg wrote:
Subject: converted mercedes
this guy converted his merc and took it on a grey nomad tour
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Armenian skank ho
Pic of an Armenian skank ho that tried to pull a fast one by me. She feigned affection wanting me to send her money to leave Yerevan, Armenia to come to the States. I wasn't born yesterday. Fucking cunt bitch! Please withhold my information. By the way, your site is the best fucking site around.
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Scott wrote:
Subject: 52WDY
Hello Mister Orsm! Love your work, keep it up. Snapped this the other day, the quality isn't that great but you can kinda make out the wooden panels. Hope u like. Cheers.
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dale wrote:
Subject: Use for old phones - very clever!
How cool is this? Where old phones go! . . .every one of these sheep is made from telephones and cords . . check out their feet!!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Seen in a BeerKeller in Munich last year, thought you would like it..... anonymity prefered please. Regards.
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Al G wrote:
Subject: R.S.
Helloooo ORSM, a little something for random shite. An old double exposure of cat and flower.... KEEP IT UP.
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big O wrote:
Subject: chev/holden
Took this pic while i was getting a rub and tug and langtrees.
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Brian J wrote:
Subject: Webposting
Assume fuel prices are getting out of hand in other parts of the world, but things are getting desperate here in the States. Scooters are becoming the new wave.... go in malls, in you home and now down the road. I tried to get one, but they would only trade me straight up for my truck and just couldn't bring myself to do it.
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Battered Sav wrote:
Subject: Another case of bad ad indexing.
G'day ORSM, After seeing this I remembered attached pic and thought I'd forward it onto you. It's another case of a very poorly placed ad when read in conjunction with the news story. Hope it gives you a laugh. Cheers.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Rev. Fred Nile is a CUNT
The Festival of Light keeps trying to save my fucking soul... Yes, there is even some chick having sex with a longneck bottle in there. If you can put it up as a large size image it would be worth it to see all the thumbnails.
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Mike wrote:
Subject: beach porn
doggy style. literally. Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Only in SA
Hey Mr ORSM here is my contribution from SA. NOW THIS IS A DEFINITE CONSOLATION COMING FROM OUR SAFETY AND SECURITY MINISTER - YEP AND WE VOTED FOR THEM..... Finally the government has come up with a plan to stop hijackings: "...Stop buying cars because you are causing crime... " aah yes SA
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Charles wrote:
Subject: An old Rolls Royce....
It's amazing how the classic line can still stir ones soul. I'll never get tired of studying a classic beauty. I'm sending this along to you because I would imagine you also appreciate classic lines and beauty. No, there's no need to thank me, that's what friends are for. I'll say it again, my love for older cars never has faltered...........
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Asa wrote:
Subject: Spider man in Malta
My mate – possibly for your RS section next week.
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greg wrote:
Subject: The Worlds' Smartest Delivery System........
After the depot was extended, we asked management if they could put a second water cooler on the wing.....
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: Zu Soap.
Hi Mr Orsm. Our esteemed deputy president had unprotected sex (raped) a lady wearing a short skirt, so she was actually asking for it. His shower that he took afterward was a guarantee that he would not get AIDS or HIV (which according to our esteemed health minister does not cause or lead to AIDS). Sad thing ? The Idiot is probably our next President...... p.S. Site rocks. Visiting every week for more than 10 years. Got fired from Unisys SA for my doing so......
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Thought you may like this
Hi ORSM, big fan of your site - keep up the great work! I saw this restaurant with my friend Keith in West Roxbury MA., I thought you'd get a kick out of it. Please do not display my info & e-mail. Thank you.
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Primitive Weapons? What are they talking about, Rocks? Shotguns are ok! I love this country. I saw this while on vacation in Moab,Utah. We were there for the 4x4 trails.
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Redpony wrote:
Subject: Sears Tower
PIc taken of the Sears Tower in Chicago after a rain storm. Keep it up. It's a great site you have
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Stooge wrote:
Subject: Water 2 gas - Fuel
A bloke I know from a WA Uni has installed a Hydrogen gas kit to his car for under $100 & says it works:

Well we have installed the water 2 gas on the fairlane over the weekend. Sorry about the quality of the pics , but I will take some more photos later, so far over a distance of about 100 km my fuel consumption has fallen 1 litre per 100 km and it should get better as it breaks its self in. The fine bubbles are the gas bubbles (HHO) or Browns gas. Another person has one on a 1990 fairlane and he is getting 31% fuel saving over 100 km run , and his car is clapped out done about 400,000 km. Mine has only 180,000 km so I should get better than that over time. The unit will run on petrol or diesel motors even trucks.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
Thought yu could post this. Please hide the details. Love the site
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ikea strikes again
just in case you were ever wondering if ikea made alternatives to child car seats they decide to ruin the fun. hide the details as usual.
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Grant wrote:
Subject: Petrol saving tips
Dear Orsm. To save petrol...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: WTF
Attached from Google news Australia Tuesday 19th. What the fucks funny about the hunt for a sawn-off shot gun bandit unless it's a piss take at how useless Victorian coppers are.
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psycheman wrote:
Subject: lucky odometer number
Mr. Orsm, Was driving my 1999 Lincoln Navagator back from the golf course and saw this number appear on the odometer. For your web fans that might want or need a lucky number(s)
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Trev wrote:
Subject: Oprego Burger
G'day Orsm. I was in Sydney last week & spotted this advertising poster at the Kings Cross railway station. It makes you wonder about the prego sauce & my mind ran wild with thoughts about what this substance was could it be love juice that causes women to become pregnant? Perhaps it could be part of the afterbirth? Either way I think I might give the oprego burger a miss!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: stiletto race
Hey orsm, saw this pic in the Herald Sun today and I'm guessing she wasn't the winner :)
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Full Monty wrote:
Subject: DUDE!
I was out downtown at the Royal Thai restaurant in San Diego (nice place, good food) when my friend pointed this out in the menu.. (I know what you're thinking and yes, I did. its an awful drink.)
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fixed!
Hey Mr Orsm, feel free to share this with the rest of the internet (preferably in random shite so that if the person in the photo sees the picture, i won't get sued as easily. thanks) - no details please.
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Nick wrote:
Subject: Emailing
G'day, Thought you might enjoy this. Found it in my driveway after a fairly windy Sydney evening. Advertising has come along way since the 70's.. Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Humid entrance
G'day Orsm. this rather strange spam email somehow found it's way into my inbox (Gmail is usually very good at keeping it out). I give them props though for the use of "humid entrance". Keep up the good work. Cheers
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Mr. BIG wrote:
Subject: Penis envy
Hi Orsm, I saw this newspaper article about a violent case of penis envy. I thought ORSM Readers might like to read the attached newspaper article. Regards
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Chris wrote:
Subject: Brian's Irish Pub, Prescott, AZ
Hey Mr. Orsm, I saw this little yellow scooter parked in front of an Irish pub this weekend on my motorcycle trip. Please don't show my e-mail address. Thanks.
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Dirk wrote:
Subject: Emailing
You probably already knew that the pic in this weeks "Random Shit" was photoshopped....
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loveworm wrote:
Subject: Jim's into everything
That cunt Jim's got his thumbs in a lot of pies
Lisa wrote:
Subject: random picture
Now really..... who what want to sleep with this guy?
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Pic for your site...
Stumbled across this in LaCrosse, Wisconsin earlier this week. Thought you might like to see it. Love the site - keep up the good work!
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Kevin wrote:
Subject: G'day Mr ORSM
G'day Mr ORSM, I made the mistake of leaving my laptop at work a couple of weeks back where one of my co-workers (Tim) said nothing and took the attached photo of himself and left it as the background on my screen for the next time I turned it on. Quite a surprise for me ~ I can tell you. ANYWAY !!!!!!!!! both he and I love your work and are avid viewers of your site. Every week we both make a point of checking your new edition, and in particular RANDOM SHITE first thing on Friday morning before going to work and have a good laugh at what's on there when we get together. He has forgottem about it now so is there any chance of sticking his ugly head on there to show the whole world how stupid he looks and for me to get a bit of good old fashioned PAYBACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: wife thong
Here a quick shot of the wife's thong and tramp stamp. Please do not post info. Thanks.
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L.A. Dr. Who FAN wrote:
Subject: Doctor WHO CRAIGSLIST PRANK
Greetings from America, I check your site out every week so I got bored and decided to pull a Prank on Craigslist here in L.A. I wanted see if any Doctor Who Fans existed here and also if anybody was dumb enough to actually respond to this. I'll send my results in a follow up email.
James wrote:
Subject: Ha ha ha ha
This guy's definately not voting for Obama. No info please.
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C NE wrote:
Subject: Funny Pic
Sup Orsm, Long time fan, first contribution. My buddies and I had 2 kegs of beer at this point, thought it would make a funny picture...you can barely make out the keg in the trash can, but if you didn't know......:) Keep the details private. Keep up the good work, Later
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Mr. ORSM. Thought you might find this amusing. This was taken in Port Louis, Mauritius. Basically you can buy three pirated DVD's for Rs 50 ( AUS$ 5 ). So much for anti-piracy laws in third world countries. Keep up the good work.
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Sergio wrote:
Subject: Unhappy payment
You're a fucking legend. Keep it up. Do you reckon he wasn't happy settling his bill!!! Please hide my email
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
ship vs. lite house. Hey longtime viewer, first time submitter.  Please keep my info private. thanks and keep it up
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duncan wrote:
Subject: What recession?
Sorry it's such a crap quality - but this is a screen dump I took when checking out some share prices on the BBC's Market Data website. Look at the figures for the "Top 10 winners". Recession? What recession? Cheers
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Interesting combination of news stories
Hi Orsm... Saw this the other night and thought you might get a laugh out of this... In this current market crisis I don't know who to buy shares in.. Domino's or the company that makes the ambulances.. probably a safe bet either way... Thanks
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DANIEL wrote:
Subject: Reader mail.
I recently spent a weekend in France and saw this cream liqueur for sale in a shop.
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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: New IRS Form 1040
Here is the first volley of what is sure to continue for a VERY LONG TIME.
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Ballzy wrote:
Subject: geros in bali
g'day orsm... I was in Bali last week and seen these signs... I wonder if anyone remembers the conference?
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Leen wrote:
Subject: Check out the picture before you read the article
Open the picture and look at it now , then read on. The picture was taken on a mobile phone and the little girl you see crying refused to go into the group as she said the little boy was scaring her, thinking very little of her tantrum the little girls mum (who took the picture) later discovered what the little girl was crying for. Look closely at about Knee high between the 2nd and 3rd girl in from the left. That i suspect is the reason the little girl was crying.

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Ian wrote:
Subject: Reva
Hi, Been checking the site for many years, but not had anything worthwhile to contribute before today........ keep up the good work and fight hard against the legislation for filtering / blocking websites proposed by Stephen Conroy....... he should be driving one of the cars mentioned below!!

I was walking through my town today and happened to see one of these “Reva” electric cars parked in the middle of the main (pedestrian) street as an advertisement to entice me to be environmental, go 'green', save the planet etc.

I'd never seen or heard of one before and (having done so) wouldn't even consider the idea as it has to be one of the ugliest things I've ever seen with wheels on. Now I have nothing against protecting the environment and feel that we should all do our bit to reduce global warming etc. and can only wish the Indian company producing these cars (http://www.revaindia.com/) every success in their efforts to produce a vehicle that doesn't make more holes in the Ozone layer, but someone in their marketing department really should have done a bit more research before trying to sell the car here in Norway, where the word “Ræve” (pronounced Reva) translates as arsehole!………somehow I can't see this one making the best selling car top 10 list over here.

Craig wrote:
Subject: The Tool Bus
Hey There Mr Orsm. Another donation to your site. Snapped this in Adelaide today. Not sure if ToolTown is the destination or it's descriptive of the driver.
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Jay wrote:
Subject: 100 Combines
Record setting  harvest was done in 2008, in Norton , Kansas  160 acres was  harvested with 100 combines and several grain trucks in 10 minutes and  15 seconds. This record  will be entered in the Guiness World. Proceeds of  this crop is to be sent to a kids camp. That's  how they get it done in Kansas.
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Picture from Savannah Georgia
Wonder what kind of spread they have? Love the site and keep up the good work! Details private please.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pic of some girls
Here is a pic of some teases i know. Keep my info private please
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey ORSM..... Phone cams are just the best. crap quality but great memories! Keep on keeping on. here's a few new bits'n'bobs. keep details hidden as always. Love you man!
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Davion wrote:
Subject: wtf pic
My first submission. Hope you enjoy!...with a wave of my hand and a well placed moan, I have swept the very bravest off their feet...
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Alex wrote:
Subject: The new Collingwood clash jumper
There is always debate wether Collingwood Football Club is bigger than the game itself. The Pies dont want to wear a clash jumper, but they came up with one anyway.... Collingwood send a clear message to the AFL world.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mexican security
Orsm's guy, Dude, you are the best. I live for your weekly updates, only site I read cover to cover. I took this picture of n armored truck in Cozumel, Mexico. You have to love the security in a tourist town. Please hide all of my info.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey champ. Thanks for your site that always brightens up my week. I saw this bumper sticker today and couldn't help laughing. Hmm. Define irony? Please hide info. Cheers!
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Luis wrote:
Subject: funny pic
this a pic from mexico, guadalajara. my friend forgot who is he after 10 tequilas
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ccaughron wrote:
Subject: Albino deer
Well, he is THE neatest thing any of us ever saw. And such a 'freak of nature', that only 1 in more than a million are even born. He took his bottle of food, followed us around the house, doing great. So, we called the Zoo &Fossil Rim, who were both interested, but we're going to send him to a Rehab farm. Maybe he will make it in captivity somewhere and be appreciated. So rare... Sure wanted to keep him tho. but, not the thing to do. And not LEGAL either ; But, here are a couple of pix to show ya. He was snow white, pink eyes, ears, nose and hooves. Kids called him POWDER. He was SO small. That is my shoe lying beside him... WOW..how cool is that??
mike wrote:
Subject: Home Depot
A guy can't own too many tools. I just bought this new gauge from my Home Depot Tool Dept. It takes a while to learn all the settings but I'm pretty handy, and was patient, so I figured it out eventually. You know for sure with this gauge, there is no more guessing! It's just so much fun to use. I really love it!!! Home Depot.......A man's toy store.........
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sjrollis wrote:
Subject: Spleek Englis !
Hey Mr. Orsm, Been a fan of your site since discovering it about 3 years ago. After seeing your SPLEEK ENGLIS ! section, I thought I'd share with you a photo my friend took while in China last year. Maybe you'll get a kick out of it, or even use it in future updates. Keep up the good work, and take care.
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: cleaning windows...
Spotted this man cleaning windows in Howard St,Perth early am Wednesday. Apologies re pic quality, camera phones aren't all that good,but he's a better man than me.
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bono4u2 wrote:
Subject: Seafood Recall
Hey Orsm. Great site of course. Perfect blend of humor, porn, and just enough sick shit to keep it interesting. Speaking of sick shit, Our local news station aired an important story about a seafood recall that you may want to make your readers aware of. Be careful of consuming the products listed, ESPECIALLY the 3rd one down. I don't think you should eat it even when it's not tainted! Please withold my address if you post this, thanks!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: typical manchester united supporter
this is how the young guy at work came into the workshop please dont show my details
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: What really happens in Security Huts
Mr Orsm, Only my second e-mail to you but I have enjoyed your site for a long time. This car was parked not to far from one of those little Security Huts. Please do not post my info. Thanks !
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cyclist - the act of being prejudice against cyclops...
Orsm, I just wanted to point out the atrocities that "Hot or Not" dot com has put me through. Attached are some screen clips detailing the nature of the crimes... Please keep my details private as the girls will surely be knocking at my door once they cast their eye over me.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: modern religion
awesome site. loved it (when i could) for years. many thanks.
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Jomac wrote:
Subject: MSP Corvette
This is actually a photoshopped image of a Michigan State Police corvette but I think it is really cool. I'd hate to be dumb enough to try to outrun him.
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Click for more awesomeness
Daniel wrote:
Subject: resturaunt pic
Hi, I saw this sign for a restaraunt in my area and had to send it to you. It must be a good night out, a feed and shag all under the 1 roof. PS, love your site.
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tony wrote:
Subject: submission
Found this on the shelf in the store where I work, didn't last too long before it was pulled. Please keep my info private.
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darrel wrote:
Subject: catchy slogan on the side of my uncles truck
i seen this on the side of my uncles truck in the caltex servise station where my mate works in hamilton new zealand. thought it might be catchy or funny to some people
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Me wrote:
Subject: content for ya
Photo taken in Bendigo, Victoria of the latest revenue collection device. This is an unmarked traffic police car and looks just like any other rev-head's vehicle until the blue and reds go off. Why do the cops get all the good cars? Cheers!
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Azaria Chamberlain wrote:
Subject: Funny Caption competition
Hey Mr. ORSM, Found this picture on the web (ABC.com.au) of George Dubyah visiting a hospital in Dar es Salam and thought you could invite readers to add captions. I've attached the original and a starter.

BTW There are 2 correct answers to the riddle about hungry and angry. You put up both and said one was incorrect but languange is the third word in "the English language" we also se it every day, unless your a mute, in which case you'd jst have to mime. The guy who sent it in was probably fuckin devastated by being told he was wrong.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Do as we say, not as we do!
Captured in Adelaide outside the Council Library. I love how they park their cars, all in the name of safety of course! Pls do not disclose my details.
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Paul wrote:
Subject: Is Bob Jane really Yoda?
G'day Mate, just a quick one. I saw Bob Jane on telly the other night when he was in court with his missus, One of the camera angles of him made me realise that he must be Yoda, I couldn't find a screen grab on the net of that tv report, but I did find another one for comparison purposes, what do you think?
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Not Reliable?
I saw this one night and I thought it was alittle screwy, thought I'd send it to ya. Some cool sites are wickedweasel.com and petiteteenager.com, I have a lot of funny shit on laptop, I can send em if you want. See ya Thursday!
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aivanova wrote:
Subject: Jagerbombs and Skanks
This is a picture of a sign in front of a campus bar in Champaign, IL. Its a reference to the "My New Haircut" video on youtube.com and drew huge crowds of douchebags all night long.
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Naschitti9 wrote:
Subject: funny aol headline
Hello! I've been checking out your site ever since I can remember. I was reading the headlines on AOL.com today when I noticed something a bit odd. Maybe you can post it up on your site for a good laugh... keep up the good work!
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Dan wrote:
Subject: Unfortunate name picture
Was browsing some Linkdin fourms and found this chaps post. Unfortunate name!
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: BigPond Movies - Customer Service
Hey ORSM, Just something i found looking around. I cant stand Telstra and just thought id share my hate.
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Lloyd Murray wrote:
Subject: Bratz Dildo Picture...
Mr Orsm, I just knocked this up on photoshop. Every toy shop I go in there's an extensive range of 'Bratz' childrens shite, and I didn't think it too unreasonable that one day a Bratz Vibrator might be on the shelves with them. I've emailed the idea to the makers of Bratz, but as of yet have had no reply... Keep Up The Good Work!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Portrait gone wrong
If you want to do a follow up peice for yr portraits gone wrong. These are the same woman believe it or not, and they've both been her profile pic on facebook. Cant decide which is worse. Pls dont show details.
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h.d. wrote:
Subject: solid fuel boiler
a review of a powerhub in germany.
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: UK vette
Taken at Aldershot Wheels day 2day, from a distance I thought it was just a deflated balloon, but as we got closer I noticed the number plate..............!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mitch and Brendan?
This is the pic used in an article about the Western Bulldogs comeback against St Kilda. Of all photos taken, they picked this one – couldn't they have chosen something else other than one of Mitch Hahn's hand up Brendan Goddard's crack?

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Ra wrote:
Subject: Free rental
Found this browsing.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Number One City??
Obviously I would rather live in Melbourne!!!! (hide my details please)
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Mac wrote:
Subject: Giant spider snapped eating yard bird
Some readers comments are to good to leave in hyperspace.... hear are some of the classics.. For real.

OMG! Where is this thing? Austrailia? I am looking at a map . . . Can it get to New York?
Posted by: Karen Moriarty of Long Island, New york

My son's dog just died a few weeks back, and I think this would make a great new pet for him to buddy with. I'm sure it gets really hungry, but my neighbor has like thirty cats.
Posted by: Daddy Smalls of Sweetsport, IN

We can breed them with flying monkeys. Then the world is ours. MUAH HA HA!
Posted by: shakewell

Yuk! Where's Big Foot when ya need him?
Posted by: barbara

Thats EPIC, i wonder who would win in a fight, the golden orb or those massive "camal spiders "from the middle east
Posted by: Lenny of Melbourne

Imagine a radioactive one biting you? You'll be Spiderman on steroids!
Posted by: Qman of hiding in a glass cube

I don't think I can scream and vomit at the same time.
Posted by: Erin of Sydney

Ahhhh.... Kill it Kill it Kill it!!
Posted by: !!!

Can it feed on Pig.....spider pig...spider pig.... (simpsons movie) LOL
Posted by: john of sydney

Great..... We have Crocodiles, Killer JellyFish, Tourists driving rental cars, stifling heat & humidity and now GIANT SPIDERS !! I am amazed FNQ people make it to retirement age, even then crabbing is dangerous... Seriously considering moving to Antartica at least there you can only freeze to death.
Posted by: Brown Jocks of Cairns

So much for sleeping tonight.
Posted by: Andrew of Adelaide (far from Cairns)

Yet another creature along with that Catfish that eats people that should be realeased either at the stock exchange, Shortsellers, Maquarie Bank or even on our National Capital - with a preference for Malcom Turnbil's office.
Posted by: Nicholas of Sydney

That is so totally freaking metal.
Posted by: Pylades

Wow, cool. Good thing I wasn't planning on sleeping for the rest of my life. :/
Posted by: Matt H

Holy Crap Batman, get the bug spray. Gee i'm glad i don't live in QLD. The only good spider is a gloob on the bottom of my shoe!!!
Posted by: Mick of Wodonga

Terry wrote:
Subject: The Crucifixation Outside of town called Groom, TX
This is about 70 miles from Amarillo outside of town called Groom TX. (This must have been an awesome labor of love.) These are the pictures of the crucifixion of Christ Sculptured from metal by a man near Amarillo , Texas. The crosses are made of metal also. The man did this out of the kindness of his heart. Someone donated the land on which to erect them.
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Samiiii wrote:
Subject: Bread
This is only bread.... would you eat it ?
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Petra
Hi ORSM, This is not usuall type of contribution, but interesting to look at anyway. Cheers.
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Jamie wrote:
Subject: Lousiana Superdome's older brother
Dear Orsm, I'm sure that you may have heard of the Louisiana Superdome in New Orleans. What you probably have never heard of is its older brother located about 50 miles northwest of New Orleans. This building was originally a bar. The design was based on a grain silo and the owner said he made it round so he would never be trapped in a corner during a brawl. The beer cooler was a surplus round blood bank refrigerator. The bathroom was the bushes around the back. Back then (35 years ago) it was called the Roundhouse Bar and the owner wore a Colt 45 while tending the "bar". The closest cops were 20 miles away, he had no phone, and the roads were not well kept so he did his own "peace keeping". To my knowledge, he died of natural causes long after retiring. Uneedus is pronounced just like it looks... you need us. It was once a logging community when everyone needed timber from the area. What no one in the area has figured out is why anyone would spend good money to have a sign professionally made to give it its new name.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: more funny shit
went down south last week and saw some rather funny shit. first pics are of a car i parked next to in some Bunbury shopping centre... note the steering wheel. the last pic was taken by my gf whilst we were stuck in that fucking huge traffic jam from that massive 7 car pile up on the Kwinanna Frwy last friday. im guessing that guy didnt have a spare coke bottle.. stuck for 2+hrs tends makes the dumbest things funny.
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: jesus
jesus on the world tour with joe spin jay
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Dennis Albaugh's Chevy Collection, Ankeny, Iowa
This guy lives in Ankeny, Iowa. He has lots of toys including his own 18 hole golf course, which is somewhat copied after Augusta. This guy started from scratch and is now just a little behind Oprah, but I'm sure he will overtake her net worth in the next couple years.
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Drive in Churches
Is there anything you cannot do from your car these days? Maybe you'll get the answer after reading this article: At the Daytona Drive in Church, in Florida , Christians don't even have to get out of the car. Reverend Larry G. Deitch delivers a sermon from a balcony to the church goers at the parking lot. This drive-in Christian Church is a converted drive-in movie theatre in Daytona Beach . The minister delivers his message from a high balcony just below where the movie screen once hung. According to National Catholic Reporter, the congregation attracts an average of 700 people every week. To hear the service, worshipers must tune to 88.5 FM. Of course, at the end of each sermon, Reverend Deitch "makes it a point to say goodbye personally to all the church goers".
B Robbins wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Inflation in Zimbabwe
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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Auction of the year
LOL DARLING DARLING COME BACK I REALLY DOOOO LUB YOU ..........YEA RIGHT
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SuperDuck wrote:
Subject: First FA-22 Fighters Delivered to Langley
These are Great In-flight Photos of the FA-22 as the first Aircraft Delivery was being made to Langley AFB in Va Langley is to be first Operational AFB for the FA-22. It is a very beautiful AFB, located in a picturesque location, as you can see in these photos, near Norfolk and Hampton , Va. The Aircraft flying along with the F/A-22 in the last of these photos is the F-15, which will be replaced by the F/A-22 which is several times better than the F-15.

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Al wrote:
Subject: emailing
Rock formations around the world

 

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Adrian wrote:
Subject: palin
If in November McCain gets elected this person is a heartbeat from being in control of the USA and Commander in Chief of the world's largest military power....... Oh shit !
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: phill the perv
LOVE the site and was sorry to here about your computer crashing........ can you please print theses photos of phill the perv from england who sent me these thinking i was someone else. cheers
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V wrote:
Subject: Here SHE is, the USS New York, made from the World Trade Center !
It was built with 24 tons of scrap steel from the World Trade Center. It is the fifth in a new class of warship - designed for missions that include special operations against terrorists. It will carry a crew of 360 sailors and 700 combat-ready Marines to be delivered ashore by helicopters and assault craft. Steel from the World Trade Center was melted down in a foundry in Amite, LA to cast the ship's bow section. The ship's motto? 'Never Forget'

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Track_the_Jock.
Hello young Mr.Orsm. Here's that Jock again. He was on your site a few weeks ago. Pity we can't have a prize for spotting him when he's in our neck of the woods. I was wondering how far afield he travels and maybe by getting your readers to spot him we can track his movements. In this instance he's in Birmingham City centre [UK] on the 4th of October 2008, and my God did he earn his money. It was bloody brass monkey weather. A very cold windy day. He's a canny bugger though, he emptied his loot pot very frequently so as to seem under-rewarded. Unless he thought the Brummies were thieving barstards. Please hide my details in case he sticks his dirk into my derrier.
Benjamin wrote:
Subject: haha
Well greetings again from the United States. I'm glad to be able to contribute some more goodness for your site. this time its from this girl who emailed me pics without even asking me if i wanted them. i thought you'd enjoy some of them. don't worry, this was not an opportunity missed. Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: The Republic Day in Istanbul
Hey ORSM, Thought you may like these photos. October 29, 2008 was the 85th anniversary of the foundation of the Republic of Turkey. Attached are some photos shot during the fireworks spectacle which took place at the Bosphorus strait in Istanbul, right where the the Asian and European continents meet (literally) Photo where you see the "fire shower" coming down is of the Bosphorus Bridge, a suspension bridge built in 1973, spanning between the Asian and the European sides of Istanbul.
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Michael wrote:
Subject: scammers
Why do people not enjoy being hit on by Russian Scammers? I love it!!! Been a while since my last one, but this is my latest.
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V wrote:
Subject: PROPERTY TAXES - how true it is!
Your House As Seen By...

 

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ilker k wrote:
Subject: when i bite my tongue
hey mate, keep up the great work. here how i bit my tongue when i was eating cookies.. long time bleed, i tought i need some stitches.. love you!
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Obsidian
FORD MUSTANG 2008 Obsidian-]
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: NHL Motorbike
Went to a Tampa Bay Lightning hockey game recently and saw this special motorcycle. the flash on the camera was bugging out a bit but you can still see much of the detail, like the hockey puck in the wheel. Please hide my details.
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jesse wrote:
Subject: Orange County Choppers
Here are some pics of bikes that were in OCC when I was there. I didn't see Paulie or Paulie JR or Vinny because this is in the store and the shop where they make the bikes is like 5-7 minutes away. My friend lives a few miles from this store. I live a few miles from Indian Larry's shop in Brooklyn. Enjoy!!!
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Dachshund & Pink the Pig
This Dachshund is fostering this little guy for another mom who couldn't take care of him. He had his eyes closed, but now they are open. He is just a little bigger than her other pups. She loves this little guy as much as the other puppies and she is nursing him back to health. He is the cleanest pig-uppy ever because she licks him all the time. HIS NAME IS PINK....
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: White tigers get new mummy
When hurricane Hannah separated two white tigers from their mother, Anjana came to the Rescue. Anjana, a chimp at TIGERS in South Carolina, became surrogate mom and playmate to the cubs, even helping with bottle feeding, according to The Sun. But here's the truly amazing part: This is something Anjana does all the time, having helped raised leopard and lion cubs on several occassions.
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Baby moose 12 hours old
Baby moose 12 hours old - Born in the middle of downtown Naubinway, Mi. In my 33 years in Michigans Upper Peninsula , I have never seen a new born baby moose. This one was not even a half a mile from our house. The mother picked a small quiet neighbor and had her baby in the front yard just off of US 2, at 5:30 am. Allen and I were out bike riding when we came upon the pair. The lady across the street from this house told us she saw it being born. We saw them at 5:30 PM. So the little one was 12 hours old. What an awesome place we live in to see such a site. Carla Jo
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Stuie wrote:
Subject: A weekend trip
Dear Mr. Orsm. Long time reader here thought it was about time i sent something in. Went down to sandy cape, Tas. on the weekend with a few mates and did a trip to the Pieman river, here are some pics of a few obsticals we encountered on the way and the damage it did pulling the poor thing out. Good ol FJ40 Land cruiser, 4 of my mates have a couple each and ive just bought 2, heading down this weekend to give mine a bash hopefully it doesnt end up in a hole this deep.
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ROb wrote:
Subject: input for READER MAIL
Went to CES in Las Vegas, unfortunately couldn't go to the adult show but snapped some good pics of models at the show..
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JROLLA wrote:
Subject: Check out my toe.
Greetings from Michigan! Here is a picture of my toe after I had the nail removed. None of the Injections worked so I basically had to have it removed cold turkey.
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Annie wrote:
Subject: this dude doesn't have love himself
He's on Fubar. God....... no words express how stupid these pics are. I love myself who do you love??
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Chucky wrote:
Subject: australia day weekend
Hello Mr Orsm. Love your site look forward to your updates every week, anyway a whole bunch of us went to Toodyay for the oz weekend got drunk and run a muck. As you can see in the photos my mate always goes to sleep after a few beers so my wife and his wife decided to give him a makeover didn't really make much of an improvement, Love the Australia day weekend just wish it wasn't so bloody hot
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Howard wrote:
Subject: )
Picture's from the Gay Pride Carnival in Toronto 2007.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Hey Mr Orsm, Back in July last year I received an email from some nobber who sent me pictures of his cock - Since he seems to be emailing his pictures willie-nilly I thought I would be the catalyst for him to reach a wider audience a little quicker! Martyn Young - Shame on you! Please keep my details hidden! Great site by the way! Keep rockin'
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Game chicks
Found these online, Your site rocks, As always, dont publish my details or address.

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Liam wrote:
Subject: Various bits for U to use - hope you can
2ndly, a number of photo's from Indonesia. In light of the “Western” clampdown on smoking in airports, these smoking greenhouses made me laugh as can only fit a few people inside and yet the doors are wide open allowing the ceiling ventilation (also open) to add to the smoky atmosphere. Also, the smoking areas don't seem to be enforced as can be seen on one photo with these guys smoking at an open coffee shop and another showing the 'close” proximity to “open” smoking areas next to “no-smoking” signs. Hope you can use and these photo's are in no way negative to Indonesia – a gorgeous place to go and visit

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mike wrote:
Subject: Only In Montana
A couple from Montana were out riding on the range, he with his rifle and she (fortunately) with her camera. Their dogs always followed them, but on this occasion a Mountain Lion decided that he wanted to stalk the dogs (you'll see the dogs in the background watching). Very, very bad decision. The hunter got off the mule with his rifle and decided to shoot in the air to scare away the lion, but before he could get off a shot the lion charged in and decided he wanted a piece of those dogs. With that, the mule took off and decided HE wanted a piece of that lion. That's when all hell broke loose for the lion.

As the lion approached the dogs, the mule snatched him up by the tail and started whirling him around. Banging its head on the ground on every pass. Then he dropped it, stomped on it and held it to the ground by the throat. The mule then got down on his knees and bit the thing all over a couple of dozen times to make sure it was dead, then whipped it into the air again, walked back over to the couple (that were stunned in silence) and stood there ready to continue his ride as if nothing had just happened. Fortunately, even though the hunter didn't get off a shot, his wife got off these four pictures.

Habi wrote:
Subject: Yo jack ass:)
Sending you pics of my Suzuki Jeep adventures, post them up, will be great to see something on your page! Can't even think of caling it a week without going thru all your Rockin updates, keep the great work uo mate, Cheers
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Greg wrote:
Subject: They say he lived? Wear your helmet.
A truck was traveling down the highway at around 1 o'clock in the morning near Tulsa, Oklahoma. Motorcyclist was traveling at ~120mph and ran into the back of the moving semi-truck. Truck driver said he felt the impact, and it took almost a 1/4 mile for him to pull over. This is what he found... He lived. wear your helmet!
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James wrote:
Subject: Except Kansas, huh?
Been an avid reader for about 2 years now and finally found something that I had to comment on. Kansas has enough issues without jokes like the one this week. Do you know how much crap I get every time I leave this state? If it's not about the Wizard of Oz, then it's some joke about this state being empty and flat. Here's a few pics in defense of my state. Great job, keep it up. I want to be reading your site for years to come.
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Paul wrote:
Subject: pics
cuba holiday snaps
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mike wrote:
Subject: Jesus on the Beach - This is Awesome!
I hope you enjoy it. It is incredible! Pictures below are from a beach in Maryland . Isn't the artwork awesome? Be sure to open up your screen all the way. The man creates new ones each day, as the ocean washes away his work every day. This is Chuck Ritchey, Sr. I have watched this man work on the beach at Ocean City , Maryland . Each time I watch him I marvel at his talent and fortitude because it is true that his works get washed away with the tide and he does them again. He is certainly a witness for Jesus Christ as thousands of people, in the course of a day, view his work and watch as he crafts his treasures. May his message be viewed by many.
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John wrote:
Subject: Can Am Spyder
Hi there Mr. ORSM, I'm a long time surfer of your site from Tasmania, keep up the good work and I look forward to many more hours of interesting posts. Now, unless I've missed an update, I haven't seen any posts of the new Can Am "Spyder". Due for release in Oz next week. Many of us have been waiting patiently since October last year to take delivery of this amazing new trike. The attached were taken at the Melbourne Bike Show in October.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: A Dodge truck is a mighty fine truck.
This happened in Vernon, B.C The driver hit the left turn light at 48th Ave. and 27th St., shearing it off at the base, and then kept driving on about 2 kms. to Squires Four Pub. Where he stopped for more beer!! ? How pissed do you have to be to NOT notice that you are carrying a lamp standard? (Notice that there is an Alberta plate on the truck. No one said anything about a smart driver.) The truck was towed about 2.5 kms., with the light still pinched between the two tow hooks and bent bumper, to the Vernon Towing yard, where it took several good hard pulls with a backhoe to get the pole free.
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: Flood pics
Here are some pics of a flood we are enduring here in Ohio. By the way, how do I contact your friend Ray. I have a couple of jobs I'd like to hire him for ;-)
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Sandyra wrote:
Subject: Mussel fest Rockingham WA
Hey Orsm. Did you check out the Rockingham Mussel fest?? was a great day ? Been here with you almost from the start/ Love The Site. always yours xxx
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: My Latest Fuck Buddy
Hiya Mr ORSM, Couldn't resist sending these pics of my new fuck buddy. She's really cute don't you reckon. I'm a real pig when it comes to sex but she loves getting all wet with it... Please keep my privates detailed, um, I mean my details private.
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Reg wrote:
Subject: Hummer
spotted this Hummer on the road .. heres some pics
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Bobby wrote:
Subject: Albino deer
This page sent to me by a friend. And he received it from a friend who lives in Oregon...

Tim made the deer feeder with the 'Browning' logo. These twin albinos have been coming to our backyard since they were fawns in 2006. We have been trying to capture a digital pic of them for a while, but they arrive at dusk or even later and they don't turn out. On Friday about 10 am they arrived. It was a beautiful morning and they came for their photo op. I can do dishes and make lots of noise and they aren't bothered. However, when they hear the patio door open they usually bolt. However, this time I banged a dish and Tim opened the door at the same time and was able to take the pictures..

Andrew wrote:
Subject: Pictures from Singapore and Bangkok
Mr Orsm, Here are three pictures that I have taken over the last couple of days and I thought may be of interest to your good self et al. The first picture was taken in a hotel public bathroom which was posted above the urinals, it gets the point into you, taxis are cheaper compared to getting busted in Singapore and it is not only the fine but the time in jail to contend with, they don't fuck about. The second and third photos are of the vomit basin in Gullivers Tavern in Bangkok in Soi 5, I have never seen one before but it does make some sense.
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V wrote:
Subject: Never Forget
These photos were taken in Germany by James Emison Chanslor, an Army Master Sergeant who served in World War II from 1942 until 1945. It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended.

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Shane wrote:
Subject: Fucking Turkey
Alright Mr. Orsm... You are probably not aware that there is a European song competition every year called the Eurovision... Ireland has the record for winning it the most times... But this year, in a moment of absolute fucking madness, we send a turkey puppet... Not suprisingly we didn't make the final... We are the laughing stock of Europe... Check it out:
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Steven wrote:
Subject: HI
Hi my name is steven i love your website i think it is the best porn site on the web also the one thing i enjoy is the stories but i am gunna tell you one i was recently on a dating website named plentyofffish.com well anyway i had met this girl on there that was one of the best that i had ever seen sweet sexy smart loved sex as much as i did i wont say her name on her because i respect her so much but neway another girl on the site wanted me sooo bad she turned into a psycho told the girl i wanted that she would find her and stab her in the throat lol like i said psycho well anyway she pretty much ended what i wanted so here ya go i found out who it was and o do i got some revenge attached on this e-mail is a word document of me and the psychos conversation lol you will enjoy it i promise. YES I AM EVIL LOL
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Anti-White in Africa
Hi Mr Orsm. Thanks for the great site, thought you could share this with your readers - yet another anti-white preaching from Africa. Suprisingly this time from Botswana which claims to be neutral. Guess the true picture is showing on what they all really feel about us 'whites'. Please withhold details as don't wish to be hung at the local stadium and have my girlfriend distributed.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chicago Police
Here's a clip from sometime ago. This is Chicago Police in some very rough housing projects. You have a great site. Keep up the good work. Please don't use my name or email. Thanks.

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leeroy wrote:
Subject: good mp3 needs headphones
good to try on people. they need to close their eyes and listen. even better to watch if their stoned < haha like the missus >
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Ben wrote:
Subject: Talking about shower technique, nads and calluses
It goes for twelve mins but is worth a listen. It's from the Vinyl Lounge on NetFM, the most disturbing radio station on the net which has almost been banned!!! The Vinyl Lounge is on Friday nights on NetFM.
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nicki wrote:
Subject: funny vid
Hi Orsm. Love your site, hang for the updates each week :) Saw this vid ages ago and thought it was great- its exactly how i feel when i listen to songs like this- that the words are just bullshit screams! Plus Trivium sucks wang anyway. Love u and ur work
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Shave
Hey Mr Orsm, Huge fan, but never submitted anything before. Anyway, here's a video I made of me shaving the old fella, sped-up to make it reasonably short. Be cool if you posted it on the site, but please keep the name and email quiet.
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Well that's update numero uno wrapped. Took a lot more work than I realised but hopefully you dudes enjoyed something different for a change. Lemme know. But in the mean time...

- Check out the site archives.
- Next update will be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and best wishes for the noo yee-ah. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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