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January 2017...
orsmupdate 2018.01.04-14.04
Boobies

Welcome to guys like you... you do grow on trees!

Fuuuuuck and just like that the holidays are over. Obviously that's no reason to overextend oneself so, of course, I'm going to skip the whole couple of hours writing something up the top here and just focus all energy on producing the awesomeness you guys are about to feast on below. So let's get moving. Check it...

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I am so much in debt, I can start a government.
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die". "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely". On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die" she replied.
--
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.
--
I bumped into my ex in town earlier. I said "How's your new bloke?" "He's twice the man you are" she sneered "what about your new woman?" I said "Thankfully she's half the woman you are...?"
--
Our eyes met across the candlelit table. She looked so beautiful. I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass.
--
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said "But what is so exciting about a period". "Damned if I know" said Johnnie "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself".
--
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
--
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether".
--
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick". She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball".

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BUSTEDInhumanity's own little contribution to people getting BUSTED doing sex stuff.- Biggest WhoreLuna Bella. Maybe You've Already Heard Of Her? What She's Lacking In Personality And Genetics, She Makes Up For In... Well, Nothing. Her Tits Look Like They Were Bolted On By An Intern At Lego Land, And I Don't Know Whether To Run Or Rim. - Good GirrrrlI Can't Stop Jerking Off... This Teen Makes Webcam Sex A Damn Art Form! - LOL Pardon?The Bad Side Of Cuckolding... - She Got Old!Sharon Stone And Some Weird Mask Thing At A Charity Gala In St. Moritz - Sweet TeenInnocent Teen Mirjam Cock Sucking And Pussy Pounding - Basically PerfectI Don’t Know Much About Olga Kobzar Except That She Is A Russian Glamour Model, But I Do Know The Most Important Thing And That Is That She Looks Amazing While Naked!! - GorgeousJessica Shears Braless In See Through Top - Don't StealDumbshit Gets Brain'd For Stealing

Lotta ButtsPhun's Bonus Butts Dump #119 - Sex MachineLooks Like There Was A Huge Sale At The Sex Toy Store!!! - FantasyHoly Shit, What Is This Chick's Name???!!! - Endless FacialDoes This Count As Abuse? Maybe Not In Germany! - Hitting ItTeeny's Best Orgasm Ever - *SHOCKING**WARNING* Fucking Hell! How Is She Still Alive? - ImpressiveJen Selter Flashes Her Bare Ass - Crazy PussyThis Is Not How I Wanted To Start 2018 - Heads!You're NEVER Safe in China! - QualitittiesBella Thorne Is The Queen Of 2017

Nicki CurvesNicki Minaj Wearing Only Tassels Over Her Nipples - Ultra SexyAbigail Clarke Areola Slip For New Years Eve! - No HumanityInhumanity Is A Free Porn Tube Updated With The Best Free And Bizarre Porn Videos Every Day! - LOVE HerThis Little Model Has Been Around For A While Now Because People Fucking Love Her. Why? Because She's Preeeeetty Gorgeous! - 'Ass Queen'They Call Her The 'Ass Queen' Of Berlin... And For Good Reason! - Double-PHot Anya Does Dp For The First Time... And The Noise Is Not One Of Pleasure... - Greatest HitsKaotic's 2017's Greatest Hits: A Compilation - OMG HOW?Hammer Time!!!! How The Fuck Did She Survive This??? - Leaked - Pix DumpPhun's Contribution To Random Pics And It’s A Cracker!

A girl pulls a guy and they are in his car and he starts fingering her. "Push another couple of fingers in!" she says. So he does. "Push your hand into me!" she says. So he does. "Put your other hand in me!" she says. So he does. "Now clap" she says. "I can't" he says. "Tight huh?" says the girl.
--
All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he had sat down, the chairman turned to Bob. Looking him squarely in the eye, with a stern voice, asked "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Fox, my secretary?" "Oh, no sir, positively not!" Bob replied. "Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman. "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!" "You'd swear to that?" "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Fox anytime, anywhere". "Good, then YOU fire her!!"
--
A grandma is shopping with her grandson. The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back!" A woman who is shopping nearby hears this and asks if that is his name. The grandma replies "Yes. I sent his mother to the university... and this is what she brought back.
--
What's the definition of sick? Eating a bowl of rice and seeing the last one crawl away.

ORSM VIDEO


IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and... a Genie appeared!

"I can only grant four wishes!" the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece!"

Pointing to the Maori, he said "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish". The Maori thought for a moment, then said "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa".

*POOF* It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said "I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland!"

*POOF* It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah".

*POOF* It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked "And what is your wish?"

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better than this!"

OH LOOK AT ME I'M ON A BALCONY!

BEST USE OF A BALCONY 06

Previously : BALCONY BABES #5 - BALCONY BABES #4 - BALCONY BABES #3 - BALCONY BABES #2 - BALCONY BABES #1

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up".

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up". He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

ORSM VIDEO


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An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test.

After the test, the manager says "You will be employed at minimum wage, $8.15 an hour. Let me have your email address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an email address. To this the manager replies "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed".

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25kg bag of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no email, the adviser is stunned "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, email and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

LOVE A GOOD FLAT TUMMY

FLAT TUMMIES 03

Previously on Orsm: FLAT TUMMIES #2 - FLAT TUMMIES #1

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ORSM VIDEO: THE WETTING A LINE EDITION

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe...as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.

Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.

Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.

Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry" replied the hunchback "but we don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory".

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion". Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He Bursts in and shouts to his Master "Master, Master. The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS and then you will be ready to take on China and some even some parts of Europe. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel...

ROOM SERVICE: "Morrin. Roon sirbees".
GUEST: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room service".

ROOM SERVICE: "Rye. Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
GUEST: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs".

ROOM SERVICE: "Ow ulai den?"
GUEST: "..... What??"

ROOM SERVICE: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
GUEST: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please".

ROOM SERVICE: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
GUEST: "Crisp will be fine".

ROOM SERVICE: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"
GUEST: "What?"

ROOM SERVICE: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"
GUEST: "I... don't think so.".

ROOM SERVICE: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
GUEST: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means".

ROOM SERVICE: "Toes! Toes!... WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
GUEST: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... fine... yes, an English muffin will be fine".

ROOM SERVICE: "We botter?"
GUEST: "No, just put the botter on the side".

ROOM SERVICE: "Wad?!?"
GUEST: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side".

ROOM SERVICE: "Copy?"
GUEST: "Excuse me?"

ROOM SERVICE: "Copy... tea.. meel?"
GUEST: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything".

ROOM SERVICE: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy... rye ??"
GUEST: "Whatever you say".

ROOM SERVICE: "Tanjooberrymutts".
GUEST: "You're welcome"

NOT EVERY GIRL IS CUTE... BUT HERE'S 30 WHO DEFINITELY ARE.

CUTE 08

Previously on Orsm: CUTE #7 - CUTE #6 - CUTE #5 - CUTE #4 - CUTE #3 - CUTE #2 - CUTE #1

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY, the other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Palm Springs and play golf for a weekend. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch...

"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..." "OK".

Ten years later at 40 they play...

"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games". "OK".

Ten years later at 50...

"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "The food is good and there is plenty of parking". "OK".

At 60...

"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Wings are half price". "OK".

At 70...

"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door". "OK".

And 80...

"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "We've never been there before".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2018 01 04

OLDER SHITE: XMAS PART II - XMAS PART I - 14th December - 7th December - 30th November - 23rd November - MORE >

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns.

The 8 pointer says "I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along".

The 4 pointer says "I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!"

The Button buck says "My two are all right, better than nothing I guess".

Then all of a sudden a GIANT 14 pointer walks out into the field. The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe.

The big buck made a huge scrape and pissed in it, rubbed a tree the size of a telephone pole and snapped it off at the ground!

The three bucks looked on in amazement.

The 8 pointer says "I could probably get by with 4 does... who really needs 10 anyway?"

The 4 pointer says "You know... come to think of it, I only really use one or two of mine!"

The button buck was silent, as the other two bucks look over to him in confusion.

Suddenly the Button buck runs out into the middle of the field! He rips and tears up some grass, pisses all over the place, snorts and wheezes, rubs his head raw on a tree, and chews a licking branch clean off!

Then he runs back over to his buddies. His friends immediately ask him "What the hell are you doing!?"

I'm just making sure that big sonofabitch knows I'm a buck!"

SMOKING: WE SHOULDN'T ALWAYS HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT

SMOKING SMOKERS 03

Previously on Orsm: SMOKING SMOKERS #2 - SMOKING SMOKERS #1

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger "What would you want to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay" she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea".

To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

ARIEL IS A BIT OF ALL-FUCKING-RIGHT

ARIEL 02

Previously on Orsm: KASSANDRA - SUZAN - CATHERINE - LIRA - NATASHA - CHARLOTTE - RITA - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO


Well I feel like that was a solid start to the year. For more though:

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Brimming, literally.
-Next update will be next Thursday... and that's despite the urge to do otherwise.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will crush you like his dreams of a normal life were crushed with his rapid weight gain during his puberty years following deep and persistent molestation by his priest, Father McDonald's.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy New Year. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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