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Welcome to Orsm.net. You're forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.
Before we get stuck into this weeks update I need to get something off my chest. It's come to my attention that a lot of people have been talking about me behind my back lately. Yeah yeah I'm a big boy and can handle it but people running around saying things like how good a guy I am, that I'm extremely reliable, unnecessarily generous or how they feel privileged to know me just has to stop. Sure it may all be true but at least have the balls to say it to my face or not at all.
Well here we are again and I must admit I'm in a fantastic mood. There are few things I love more than the rain and as I write this it's absolutely bucketing down outside. Now if a chick with massive boobs would walk into the room and expose herself I could die a happy man.
Onto my life for the last week because I've been far too busy to actually stop and form a blog-worthy opinion about the goings on in the world... except maybe for that Haneef guy. If you've heard nothing about this basically he's a cousin of the guys that were caught in London unsuccessfully trying to blow shit up. He was arrested living here and held –without charge– for eight or nine days which some people thought 'unfair'.
Unfair? How about too bad, how sad? How about that’s what you get? I'm so sick of this terrorist crap and really starting to think we need even stricter laws in place – but let's make it worth while!
First, if it's suspected that you're a terrorist or collaborator you immediately get locked up for one week and questioned. Then if after that it appears you are a dodgy fuck, all you're family and friends get locked up and questioned and so on and so forth. And if you don’t like the idea of putting your family through that then don’t be a bad guy. It's so wonderfully simple – be a dickhead and you're screwed; don't be a dickhead and we'll leave you alone.
Okay... got completely sidetracked there [turns out I did have time to form an opinion?] so back to me and my week and my life and me me me me me!!
Saturday started with an 8am phone call awakening me from a comfortable slumber. But why? A friend needed to use my computer to do something. Something ended up absorbing most of my morning which was no big deal as it prolonged a chainsaw powered assault on the garden. From there it was off to Bunnings where [as most Aussies know] the staff wear red shirts. Lesson for Saturday: do NOT wear a red shirt to Bunnings unless you want to be asked questions by other customers. After that it was back home to fix my laundry taps. They've progressively leaked more and more and more since I moved in to this joint and my conscience about wasting water finally got the better of me.
The weather forecast for Sunday was about as good as it gets for this time of the year so the goal was to wake up bright and early and head to the beach with dog. Unfortunately something I ate the night before had me make several emergency dashes to the toilet between 3am and 4am which pretty much put an end to that. When I finally did get up –around 11- it was time to [you guessed it] wash the car.
No plans for the afternoon so myself and a couple of friends went for a cruise down the coast to find gelato and have a perv. Was all good until on the way home - with my passenger's sort of running late and reminding of this regularly I hoofed it through an orange traffic light. Next thing you know the cops pull me over.
"Mate it was definitely orange when I went through" I said. "We saw it as red" he told me definitively but they knew it and I knew it, they were just bitter and jaded about not busting me for speeding so the red light thing was all they had. Admittedly not the best way to spend $150 but it's my first fine in three and a half years so I shouldn’t complain.
Okay let's get on with this killer update. As we all know last weeks update was mega, huge and even a little fantabulous but this week brings it to a whole new level. LOT'S of fantabulous. Is it really possible I hear you ask? One way to find out...
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There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground Miss Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the Sunday school teacher said "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!"
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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answer might be! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonising three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is: The head, the heart, and the penis."
The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies in her stomach.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question: "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS - YOU WIN!!"
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READER MAIL
Still, still, still trying to get through the mail backlog and once again this weeks Reader Mail is on roids. Unsurprisingly its chock-full of some amazing submissions too - you'll be enthralled and mystified, you'll laugh and cry but most of all you'll feel that deep sense of love that only those of us with a massive penis knows about.
If you would like to contribute think you can beat the tasty offerings below then we're always on the look out for ex-girlfriend nudity, cool shit, uncool shit, retarded shit, funny 'haha' jokes, fucked up videos and random pics. Its all welcome! All you must do is click here and send it over my way.
Damo wrote:
Subject: San Diego Concrete Pour
To all those that thought the San Diego Concrete pour was amazing, just goes to show how full of shit the yanks really are. Lets look at what really happened. Some dickhead orders 14 concrete pumps with 4 on standby, 1 satellite pump with 1 on standby, and most likely 2 tower cranes on standby. Now 15 concrete pumps at 26 trucks per hour = 2 concrete trucks per pump per hour. What is so impressive about that. Just goes to show there is real fuckwits in the building industry everywhere in the world!!!!!!!!!!! |
Marcus wrote:
Subject: RE your local park.
I know how you feel mate, I used to be a fair hoon myself.
Now I’m a groundsman and it fair shits me to come to work and find some cockhead has ripped up a patch I’ve been working on for months to get looking OK after the last hero fucked it up on me.
Funny how what go’s around, comes around isn’t it? |
< with held> wrote:
Subject: Portugal barn
Great work with all you do. Yada yada yada. This is just absolutely amazing and depressing at the same time. Imagine you're going to live in Portugal. You find a lovely farmhouse set on a decent plot of land. The place has been empty for 15 years. While exploring your new property you find a large barn. The door is padlocked and welded shut and rusted solid. So you grind the padlock and the welds off and you come across this. |
Daniel wrote:
Subject: Digital Camera Lost
Holy shit. This chick is fucking amazing. I have had a thing for Luba
for many years but this chick is the blonde equivalent. She is also
like a really hot sexy version of Kristen Bell. Thanks heaps to the
cheeky bugger who founf the camera and sent this in! |
Loz wrote:
Subject: Have a go at this?
Granny grows horn
A Chinese grandmother has a five inch horn growing out of her forehead.
The horn curves downward and looks like the stalk of a pumpkin, reports the Yangcheng Evening Post. Granny Zhao, 95, of Zhanjiang city, Guangdong province, says it first appeared three years ago. "At first, it was only a mole, but it gradually grew and became like a horn," she said. Zhao says the horn causes her little trouble except to affect her vision slightly: "It causes me no discomfort, but blocks part of my view." But her family are hoping that medical experts can explain the phenomenon. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: How about this look?
Here is a look everyone should have to remember. I should have sent a pic of this to her dad on Father's day. name and address witheld but he will know me when he sees it. I will send better ones on the near future and movies too. |
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Tofie wrote:
Subject: East Yorksire shoes
suppose these would sell well in NZ, and China and any other place thats flooding at the moment, as well.
Think I'll stick with my Croc's... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pure NZ Powder
Me and a mate were recently heading back from Auckland and thought that we would pull over for a pick me up. Would love to see the pics posted. Cheers mate.
Looks like primo gear. Line me up, boys. -Orsm
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Qship wrote:
Subject: crane on the edge of the tasman bridge
Hay due, always top shit.. check this: THE Tasman Bridge over the Derwent River in Hobart was closed this morning after a crane toppled and was left dangling over the edge. Police expected the bridge to be closed until about 1.30pm, as more cranes are brought onto the bridge in an attempt to right the fallen crane. The crane fell over just after 10am this morning, blocking one east-bound lane of the bridge and the footpath, causing disruptions to pedestrian and road traffic. As part of the crane is hanging over the edge of the bridge, river traffic has also been stopped. Motorists were asked to be patient and avoid roads leading to the Tasman Bridge. |
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cumnon wrote:
Subject: orsm mail
love ya, mean it! Attached is a couple pics of a black female I have been banging since I caught my old lady cheating on me a few months back; would have shot her and left but we have a 2 year old; caught her by using a software program called spryrecon, google if you are interested; records key strokes and sites on the computer it is loaded on; fucking incredible the shit you will find that someone looking at. keep up the good work, you bastard! |
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an on wrote:
Subject: ex
Orite there mate... Love the site.... here's a few pics of my cheating ex.... enjoy. Please withhold my id. Keep up the good work. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend pics..
I love your site!! keep up the good work. please keep my name and address private,, |
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andrew wrote:
Subject: hey from montreal
hey man im another perth boy travelling in canada and im in montreal right now and got some funny pics to send home. heres my buddys ass after falling down our stairs haha then some wierd man at this sick tech house gig every sunday. me at niagra falls haha and then some random pics of the graphs and old buildings of beautiful montreal! enjoy |
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Neil wrote:
Subject: Be careful who you fire
This happened on October 14th 2006 outside of Edison Alberta. An employee from this camp was relieved of his duties late Friday afternoon. I guess he went a little "postal" with the track hoe on the other equipment late Saturday night... What you're about to see is the aftermath that was discovered on the Sunday morning - October 15th. Do you think his boss may reconsider? |
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Ian Hollow wrote:
Subject: the hotest shyline (car) ever seen
Gidday cobber. sat 1/7/07 on way home from work tokin hwy and berna road intersection. cheers
Ooops... -Orsm |
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YABBEES wrote:
Subject: RE/FORGOT TO ADD THE PICS (DICK)
GREETINGS FROM GEELONG, VICTORIA. JUST A FEW PICTURES OF A MATES CUSTOM BIKE THAT I THOUGHT YOU MAY APPRECIATE IN RELATION TO YOUR AWESOME SITE, NUMBER PLATES ARE REAL. |
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Israel wrote:
Subject: Sweet ORSOM plates
Hey, Saw these plates at the Maryborough Motor Show. You can add them to your ORSM plate collection! Laters. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: What the Henley Royal Regatta is all about...
Please hide my email addy and cheers for all the good work over the years!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: phone vid - blow job
Hey Mr, Orsm. Was at fixjamm on the weekend and received a bluetooth video from the nightclub promotion server, me thinking it was a promotion piece i decided to download. ends up being a home made porno, of some girl who was in attendance. must be a revenge tape by the club management or something, kinda funny... |
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house" "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later though, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
ORSM
VIDEO
Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."
So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected. John is already down at the local pub!" Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. 'Wow' thought Sam," that surgeon does excellent work."
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. 'Wow' thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing."
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."
So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very difficult." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, he suffocated in that plastic bag!"
Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, whom he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly, it would be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to."
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who... well... had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind.
And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position. He was so happy he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms."
RANDOM SHITE
This very well may be another RS that is better than the one I posted that time which had the pics of the thing at the place and the people were all like 'owww' and some were like 'no way!'. Now THAT was a cool one. Anyway check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper."
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