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Welcome to Orsm.net. $15 for a ZJ.
Hello bastards. How the hell is everyone going? Me... I'm just happy that I'm better than last week. You may recall me complaining like a little bitch about the nasty headache I'd been fighting all day. Turned out the headache was a prelude to some sort of illness which took great delight in kicking the shit out of me up until yesterday.
The odd thing was I didn't see it coming. I got to bed pretty late which is usual for a Thursday night. What was unusual though was waking up a few hours later freezing my fucking balls off. I swear to god never in my life have I been that cold - imagine Luke Skywalker at the beginning of ESB just before Han finds him and that was me. Anyway it took a few hours of shivering away in the foetal position and praying for a quicker death than the one I was experiencing until I finally fell asleep. Unfortunately it didn't end there... oh no no... an hour or two later I woke up again but this time absolutely drenched head to toe in sweat. Gross.
That was the story of the next few days - temperature all over the place like a mad woman's shit and headaches so spectacular that even something as simple as trying to yawn was almost too much to bare. I didn't let that stop me though...
Saturday... I couldn't bring myself to idly mope around the house all day so I got showered up and headed to the local shopping centre to kill a few hours. Can anyone say waste of time? I actually felt like a mall rat - I didn't want to buy anything, I didn't need anything so I hopped between Kmart and Target just walking around like a chucklehead.
The only vague highlight were the odd looks I got from people. Being the middle of winter most people don't exactly crack a sweat without some effort but running a fierce temperature garnered me a few 'what the fuck is this dude on?' looks. Fuckers mind your own business or I'll breathe on you...
Sunday was just as lame. I decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to give the house a clean... something which took a few hours longer than I'd hoped but thankfully now everything is sparkling clean. After that I turned my attentions outside - the trees are dropping leaves like they'll never get to do it again and the place was [read: still is] a mess. From there I gave my baby [car] a good wash, caught up with a friend and that was that.
So yeah... boring, boring weekend which lead into a week that I've struggled to get through. In other words, what I'm trying to say, is that I've been far too busy being run over with some sort of flu or whatever to come up with a blog even remotely worth interesting this week but as I have a strong aversion to writing nothing here, you poor people end up with all these paragraphs of utter drivel. I'm pretty sure the update is a good one though so get your tissues, rubber gloves and prepare yourselves to be entertained...
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"Your daughter's only five and she can spell her name backwards? Why, that is remarkable." The headmistress was talking to a parent who was trying to impress her with the child's academic prowess so that she would be accepted into the school. "Yes, we're very proud of her," said the mother. "And what is your daughter's name?" "Anna."
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long..."
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
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READER MAIL
I've gotta admit it felt like a quiet email week but when I finally sat down to go through it all I was greatly mistaken and what's better is the quality of this weeks submissions - fucking awesome and you guys fucking rock!
For all the other bad people out there who haven't contributed to Orsm.net, I need you to know that I'm currently reassessing our friendship so if I don't see some naked ex-girlfriend pics, jokes, random cool shit, videos or something else of a highly entertaining nature REALLY soon then we can't be mates anymore. Sorry. If you do still wanna be friends then email me here!
Kevin wrote:
Subject: Jingles is full of shite!
Yo! Yo! Mr O. Great website dude, muchos appreciationos!! Having read Jingles reply about the pic's of the Grand Canyon Terrace i thought i'd go check out their website. Everything Jingles' mate complained about is actually on the website!!! Full price lists, travel times, hotel/motel lists and websites....so as for this place being a tourist trap, i would say its only a tourist trap if your retarded enough to head off into the middle of the Arizona desert without reading up on where the fuck your going!!! Oh...and i almost forgot...Jingles' mate said "The walkway glass was cracked which lead me to believe they may have a few engineering glitches and I got my ass off the thing right away after seeing that!". can i just point to a sentence on the website for the skywalk? It reads as follows: On May 2005, the final test was conducted and the structure passed engineering requirements by 400 percent, enabling it to withstand the weight of 71 fully loaded Boeing 747 aeroplanes (more than 71 millions pounds).
On that basis, Jingles' mate is a fat ass too!!!! |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: IKEA
Saw your post about how busy IKEA in Perth is and I thought I'd add my view as an employee. Every day the carpark gets backed up, worse on Saturdays and Thursday nights (of course). Compound this by the fact that the sale just started and theres no chance for people to get in. Staff aren't even allowed to park there! And hey, theres no need to print money when they do over $400,000 on an good day and over $2.5m in the first sale week!!! Luckily the new store will be ready in Feb next year - largest in the Southern Hemisphere. Much more parking and we get our own cafe so we dont have to wait in line with you damn customers ;)
$400k a day!! Amazing but anyone who knows the place would agree its certainly within the realm of possibility. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Jap and Indo Models
Hi ORSM, Whilst lazing by the pool in Bali last week I was surprised when a Japanese film crew with models rocked up and started filming. Model one in traditional ??? School girl uniform doing panty flashes, second model in white bikini doing various poses around the pool and Balinese cravings then came this cutie, primary objective was for her to jiggle as much as she could, as far as I could tell anyway. I dashed to get the camera, why I didn't have it with me, I don't know, bugger it !!! I returned in time to get this snap before being asked to bugger off. |
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Jelly wrote:
Subject: yes, a 2-story house
Hey Orsm. I haven't sent you much in a while... Some of your readers may be sweating the summer but up here in Canada we have other worries. This photo of a two storey building in northwestern BC was taken in April 2007 and this snow pack still has to come down as water!!!!This building is the rescue hut at the top of Kildala Pass on the transmission line from Kemano to Kitimat (middle of British Columbia, Canada). You'd think the region had already had enough flooding from the snow melt. |
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Munut wrote:
Subject: My mate a little bogged
Hey Mr. Orsm, This is a mate of mine bogged just out the back from his old man's house. He gave me a call which started with "I'm Fucked Bud." I only got a two wheel drive so I told him too bad. I don't how he got out I haven't spoke to him yet but I assume his brother pulled him out. His brother send you a email a couple of weeks back of him break dancing (well trying too) with a horse riding helmet on so as you can guess its never a dull moment he's defiantly my favorite drinking buddy. |
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Sami wrote:
Subject: Just put it anywhere mate... !
Oooops! check the bloke in the second picture! I christen thee the good ship faaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! |
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pete wrote:
Subject: Newcastle Storm June 07
g'day mr orsm, here is som+e pictures of the aftermath of the little storm we had here in Newcastle a week or so ago, keep up the great work mate, |
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Grantly wrote:
Subject: Flood Pics - Deerfoot
Saw the storm sewer overflow in the May 31 update. I live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada where this storm happened. Parts of Calgary got 3 inches in one hour, I know it doesn't sound like alot, but here are some other pictures of the Deerfoot Trail where only the roofs of the cars are visible in the puddle. This road is the major highway going north and south in Calgary and Alberta so it sees alot of car and Truck traffic and when detours happen as was the case that night and you're a truck driver like me that hauls two 48' trailers going down side streets is not fun. I've enjoyed your site for 3 years and you do a great job. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex g/f pics
Love the site...big fan. Attached are some pics of an ex girlfriend. Please feel free to use any of these pics but do not disclose my identity. Thanks and keep up the great work. |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: F-1 at Indy
Love the site, check it out every week. Attached are some photos of the USGP at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway last weekend. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Lots of pics; use the ones you like best. The story is that a 90+ yr old female lived in this trailer and had to be forcefully removed for her protection. She survived for years by crawling over the garbage (4feet high in places) to get the food delivered to her door. When her body finally gave out she ate the garbage and urinated/defecated in her “bed”. Lots of dead cats and other things all over the place. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: dildo chick
hi orsm, great site i'm a big fan and all that jazz.Heres a little 18 year old sweetie. My friends sister wanted to know what she looked like on camera, my friend sneeking around found it on her computer. thanks, enjoy. |
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A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second born son approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
A few days later son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."
ORSM
VIDEO
A guy gets a job in a zoo. The first job he's given is to feed the exotic and expensive fish in the aquarium. Upon feeding them, one jumps forward and nips the end of his finger. Totally shocked by this event, he reaches down and picks up a shovel propped against the wall and twat's the fish with it killing it instantly.
Remorse sets in when he realises what he's done and that he'd be sacked instantly. He looks around and sees nobody has seen what he's done, so he thinks to himself, lions will eat anything so he throws the fish into the lions den.
The next job the guy is given is to go and clean out the monkey house. So he is cleaning out the bits of straw and paper when a couple of the monkeys take a dump and start throwing it at the guy. Well the guy goes ballistic and again he takes his shovel and twat's the two monkeys, killing them stone dead.
Realising the situation he's got himself into, he again looks around and nobody has seen him do it, so he again thinks the lions will eat anything, so he throws the monkeys into the lions den.
The next job the guy gets is to extract the honey from the hives of the rare South American bees. As he's extracting the honey, the bees begin to sting him. So he goes mental, takes the spade and completely mashes the hive to pieces. Now realising what deep shit he's in and the expense of what its going to cost to replace these bees, he again is aware that nobody has seen him do it. So he thinks to himself, the lions will eat anything, and once again throws the mashed hive into the lions den.
Later on in the day a new lion from another zoo is transferred and introduced to the other lions. On walking around the lion pen the new arrival asks one of the other lions what the food is like. The other lion says, "you wouldn't believe what we had today it was fish, chimps and mushy bees.
A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.
He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks. "No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. "What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker. "Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."
"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused. "Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season." So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.
A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"
"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?" "Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well I'm vamooshed. I only managed two hours sleep last night before getting up to do an airport run and making it back home to start working on this bad boy for 6am. In other words - I'm completely fingered and desperately looking forward to bed so lets start the ball rolling...
- Check out the site archives otherwise Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you off the planet.
- Next update will be next Thursday and I'm not being sarcastic OR ironic.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell everyone what a bad eugoogalizor you are.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and if you get bored hex me on 20330 and ask for Toni Pepperoni. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
