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March 2008...
orsmupdate 2008.03.27-23.44

Welcome to Orsm.net. Giggle.

An idea we keep kicking around is doing another photo shoot with a scantily-clad model. If you've been surfing Orsm for a while you may remember the shoots we did with Holly a few years back. Well I think it's about time we did it again but the hard part is finding a girl who is a) hot b) located in Perth and c) willing to get naked in front of a camera. So if you're interested and fit the bill or know someone who does then drop me an email!

Hey you know what... I'm going to blog about my weekend because that's what I do...

In keeping with Good Friday tradition I spent the half the day cleaning my car. It's been a while since it had a thorough going over so I got stuck in. Four hours later and after some intense soaping, drying, vacuuming, waxing and polishing my baby looked amazing. Also keeping with tradition I managed to flatten the battery by leaving the radio on the whole time. Thank Christ for the RAC. Funnily enough I got the same RAC guy that I've had the last two times [that I flattened the battery with the radio...].

After that it was off to do some family visits and remind them I'm still alive and from there off down to the coast to take a few happy snaps of the sunset and of course my beautiful shiny car. All up a pretty good Friday...

Saturday was a bit of a kick. It took a couple of hours to find some new cables for my ailing PC but afterwards it was off to do some shopping. As I was driving around the car park I thought to myself 'that looks familiar'... and there it was - my old car. So I park, walk over to take a look and it was actually kind of sad. My once pride and joy was filthy dirty, scratched, scraped, dented - definitely not looked after. Wish I had of caught up to the guy who owns it though... got a couple of good videos of it producing copious amounts of smoke via the rear tyres [from the weekend before I traded it!] plus several other good stories not fit to be admitted to publicly. Ah memories...

Is it just me? I know the weather is still warm and conducive to minimal clothing but walking around doing shopping almost makes me feel criminal. For starters I'm relatively tall and if a girl with [big] boobs and a low cut top walks past its inevitable you're going to check out the twins... right? Not looking would be like looking away just before Tiger nails a hole-in-one or sitting through Shawshank Redemption and stopping it before you find out how Andy escapes. You wouldn't do it. Call me a perv but I like boobies and despite the fact it's my god given right, nay obligation, as a tall person, as a human male, to browse the merchandise I wonder if some girls don't know that they're showing nipples or they just don't care.

Sunday was stellar. Mid morning dim sum Easter brunch thing with the fam and made even better not having to wait half an hour for a table. Why? Perth was practically a ghost town because everyone was lapping up the four day weekend down south. Works for me. The rest of the day was a relaxing one just kicking around the house doing whatever. That night was where it all happened though - four of us headed back into the city to consume some alcohol and celebrate Easter the way it's supposed to be. It wasn't too long before we bumped into a bunch of other mates on a buck's night and we just got rowdier and drunker from there. You got to love those nites where everyone just magically ends up in the same place. Had a fucking great time.

Monday was a non-event. Grandiose plans to do shit around the house came to a sudden halt and interestingly enough coincided with the onset of a rather brutal hangover. Breaking the golden 'water before sleep' rule was a bad idea but in my defence I more or less passed out before my head hit the pillow.

Okay enough of my crap. I didn't quite get as far as 'thought provoking commentary' this week but write what you know hey...? Check it...

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If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Birthday Babes - SO Addictive - Euphemisms - Ownage! - No Ricki! - Boobie Prank - Chocolate Pussy - Amber

Making Meth - Vodka Chug - Greatest Fight - Bitch Bash - Amazing Facts - Black Girls - The Hills - Thai Lover

Dancing - Suicide Sex - Negotiator - Slapped - Aria Is Back - Legless - TaTa's - Octo-Porn - Boys Toy - Pranked

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look daddy the Green soldiers just blew the Hell out of the Tan soldiers.'' Shocked the wife tells the boy to go to his room, and think about what he just said. A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and you play soldiers and you can blow the hell out of me?"
A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you?'" The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you.'" "Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, "I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot."

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At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam!

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre, on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now! The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?



A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge. "She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.

As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary! Have you changed your sex?" "No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead!"

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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. One day, when he was out in the field, his wife brought him lunch. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat.

Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. Whenever a woman mourner approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent that the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

After the funeral, the minister asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

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No Reader Mail this week sorry dudes! Due The looong weekend, a hard fought man vs. holiday mode battle and a thousand other things kind of killed it but don't stress as RM will be back next Thursday. In the mean time if you would like to submit anything then click here and make the magic happen! Until then this lot should keep you going...

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Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Darwin. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other, then go in thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please"

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Sydney," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same." "Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.  

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "Oh, they're retired teachers from Brisbane. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."


A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, slim, redheaded woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

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Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes...

After a few days they meet again...

The engaged girlfriend "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 centimetre stilettos and mask. He saw me he said 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'. Then we made love all night long".

The mistress "Ah! Me too! The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything... but we still had wild sex all night".

The married one "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes... my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Alright Batman, what's for dinner?"

The mystery of RS is only exceeded by its power. Check it...

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A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was beside himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....

Unable to stop this aberrant behaviour, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.

Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess? How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

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Three ladies, two younger and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young lady pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm" she said.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young lady lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

The older lady felt very low-tech.

Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older lady finally said... "Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!!"


Well girls and boys that's another Orsm update signed sealed and delivered. If I'm as good as my self-esteem coach tells me I am then this it rocked you've had a fucking blast surfing it...

- Check out the site archives. They're spanktastic.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Ya dig?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will call you every nite. Initially you won't really care because hey what's the big deal right? But eventually his incessant "how do they make pencils?" and "yes we're running out of oil but surely its still being produced naturally" type of questions will wear you down. And right before you crack, right before you lose the plot, he'll ask one more question - "why didn't you tell your mates about Orsm?"
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Al. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2008.03.20-22.48

Welcome to Orsm.net. Mi Goreng? Nooo... YOU Goreng...

How the fuck are you bastards? Everyone chirpy and rip rearin' ready for the four day long weekend? Honestly whoever thought this scam up is a fucking genius and probably the only way to top it would be with a five or perhaps seven day weekend.

At the moment the hardest thing is working out how to spend it. Pretty much got nothing planned except for Easter Sunday. Instead of a greasy bacon and egg breakfast we're doing dim sum. Much better and you don't have to go through that 'please kill me' feeling afterward. Sunday night is a chance to get on the booze but aside from that I'm a free agent. I do have friends though... I swear... really...

I had the marvellous idea of doing a day trip down south... jump in the car, drive 300 kilometres for lunch and then drive back but with fuel prices at record highs this weekend it would feel too much like I was being raped. There are far better ways to blow $150 plus traffic will be insane PLUS with every cop in the state brandishing a radar, speed camera, [or other revenue raising device], double demerits and recently doubled fines it doesn't seem worth it.

Not like the old days though. I remember doing the Easter weekend day trip with some mates probably eleven or twelve years ago. It wasn't a big deal back then... juice was a give away $0.55 a litre... a whole $1.00 less than it is now! Disgusting. It's times like now I wonder if no one had invaded Iraq would oil prices be so high. I doubt it.

Moving on... after six long months the AFL is back this weekend. That's right – Australian Rules Football. It's been a pre-season filled with plenty of entertaining off-field drama but now that its back everyone can once again run around dispensing opinions convinced they're an expert because they've seen a couple of games. For the rest of us we can get back to what's important - hating the Fremantle Dockers. Eagles for the flag.

Time to segue from this weekend to the last. Why? Because I can... and because I've spent far, far, FAR too much time working on this update, staring blankly into my monitor, to form any sort of opinion that could be considered blog-worthy...

Saturday and Sunday were nothing unusual and I would just be repeating myself if I went into any great detail... so I shant. The only change from the norm was going for a cruise up to Kings Park which, for those of you who don't live here, is basically a huge piece of bushland bordering the CBD that overlooks the city and river. Sunday was the first time I have been through during the day for ages and there were people and tourists and weddings going on everywhere. Good place to spend an afternoon.

Okay I don't want too drag this out any longer than necessary. My mind is already beyond the update and pondering the rapidly approaching break so time to get on with the update and help you guys waste some time not doing whatever else it is you're supposed to be. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Teen Hottie - Addictive - Join Eva - Holy Fuck - Ipecac Prank - Striptease - Awareness - Big Boy - Southern Freaks

Tartan Boobs - Drunk Fun - Carnivale - Metal Puppy - Go Fetch! - Lez Action - Halle-licious - Blacks Fuck - Brazil Ass

Nat Naked - Cat-ercise - Wet T-shirt - Hooj Tata's - Keytar Heroes - Stripper Blooper - 100% Balls - Aniston - Dildo

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A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the joint! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line "Did you see me rob this Bank?" The customer replies "YES!" The bank robber raises his gun points it to his head and BANG!! SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD!! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man "DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????" The man calmly responds "No... but my wife did!"
Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter the convent's grounds, they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a Marine." The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"

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Just a few tips to help you get through life with the minimum of stress...

-Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

-Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

-Always shit at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

-Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

-Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

-Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

-An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

-Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

-Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

-Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

-Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

-High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

-Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

-Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

-A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

-Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

-At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

-Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

-Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

-Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

-Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

-Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.



A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says... "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

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Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm want list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Nick from Crete wrote:
Subject: THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Orsm, I have been visiting your site for at least 4 years and honestly, I haven't been offended so far... The content of your site varies a lot, from funny to serious and from pleasant to disgusting, but  it is the problem of a visitor to accept it or not... Hope we agree...

But Mr. Orsm, you SHOULD understand that simply you DO NOT have the right to make fun or creating "jokes" with the politics of a Country... If you are so much uneducated and you really do not know what is Macedonia  or not, it concerns you and only you. But please STOP making fun with a serious problem of Greece's external politics, unless you have been born in Skopje and then I pardon you for those stupid bullshits you did by phone. My suggestion is, in the future to keep yourself busy with cunts, asres and nice teats and live alone Greeks, Slavs and the international problems.

Martin wrote:
Subject: Adelaide's been hot of late
Now that we (those of us that live in Adelaide) have some time to enjoy a cool change, it's time to reflect on some of March's weather.

- Adelaide experienced an Australian capital city record of 15 days straight above 35 degrees C (an official heatwave is 5 straight days above 35 degrees C) for Autumn
- Of those 15 days, 13 of those were above the old 100 degrees F mark
- The hottest day was 40.5 degrees C
- The hottest overnight minimum was 30.2 degrees C (which I believe is the same temp as the hottest day of Sydney's summer this season)
- The average temp in Adelaide for all of March to 17/3/08 is 37.5 degrees (almost at the old 100 degrees F mark of 37.8 degrees C)

That's tough. But spare a thought for those residents of Marble Bar in WA that survived the 160 days straight above 100 degrees F (37.8 degrees C) a while back.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
You're thinking.......Wanker.

I heard wings like that can add up to 50 horepower. -Orsm

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One TwoThree wrote:
Subject: Damn Dog
Hey there Mr. Orsm, Me and the boys were out hunting this past fall up here in the north country (Canada). Thought that you might enjoy this picture - damn dog, just can't break his habit of tenderizing the meat. Love the site, keep up the good work
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Roberto Arico wrote:
Subject: Better than a penis cake
Hey Mr Orsm :) I've been a long timr admirer of the site, on and off for many many years... Thanks for the hard work and stuff you've put in on the site, it truly lives up to its name.. Shame you're an aussie tho :p I saw the Penis cake, and thought "It's cute", but this was a cake for a 60th Party... Nice detailing. Thanks, I hope I get to see my name immortalised on your site.
click to enlarge
Tom wrote:
Subject: Readers mail
Hi there, we live in Featherston, which is a small, semi rural town in the North Island of New Zealand. Round the corner from us is an old guy whose always been a bit odd: he occasionally puts signs up like "Thieving Maoris Stay Off My Land!" and he used to have the top of his fence covered in barbed wire. He's just put a couple of new (very securely fastened) signs up and I thought they might be worthy of your site. Just watch out for Astral! Thanks
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Rui wrote:
Subject: Rambo at H20
Hi, So H20 is a huge party that go's down a few times a year in South Africa. Every party has some funny people crawl out of the wood work and at last weekends one was no exception. Here (attached) we have a picture of one such specimen. Its started doing the rounds this week and is gaining popularity quite quickly on the local forums as well as a Facebook Group with all sorts of photoshop pics. Figured it would be worth a mention on ORSM and get it going GLOBAL :)
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Summernats 2008
A momento from this years summer nats. No details please

I wonder what she's saying... "youse cunts are fucked". Looks like that kinda girl. -Orsm

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ben wrote:
Subject: bear

Poor bear. -Orsm

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Matthew wrote:
Subject: Drifting Pictures.
Here is some pictures of the drifting races that happened today (the 15th of March) out at the Wanaroo RaceWay. This is the first time I saw racing like this - rather than the freestyle stuff - and it's great to see that people are willing to put a sence of style and panache into racing, rather to see who can just be the fastest accross the line.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics for your site
awesome site. my buddies girl keeps emailing me these pics of herself and next thing you know shes in my room on her knees taking money shots. oh well hope you like. no details please
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of single slutty sister-in-law
G'day! Thought this was ripe for your site. My sister-in-law thinks she's a model. She's not. She is however, a a pretty good fuck on occasion. She lives with her mother and comes over every now and then to show off the new lingerie she bought, asks me to take pics, and then pays me on her back. The only catch is that camera has to be off for that. Oh, well. Great site, keep up the good work. And keep me anonymous.
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Bob wrote:
Subject: Melbourne F1
Some Pictures from the Melbourne F1 Enjoy. Please don't show my email details. Cheers
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One wrote:
Subject: cell phone porn
Hey Mr. Orsm. I am "One" from bunch of drunks [DoT] net. Here are a few pics of me and a few different of my ex girlfriends. Hope yall enjoy
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Terry wrote:
Subject: STS-123 Launch Photos
Pictures of the March 11, 2008 2:28 am EST night launch of Space Shuttle Endeavour STS-123 were taken by one of the United Space Alliance (USA) employees who works at KSC. In one of them, you can see ripples in the water where some fish are jumping. They say the vibration from the launch makes them jumpy.
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: launch
capri darg launch

Weeeeeeeeeee! -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asked. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman. "Fair enough," said the boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stared into space for a while then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looked at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.  So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. So, when do I start?"


A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks out a huge box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog!" "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!"

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

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The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in... you look like an arsehole!"

I've decided to go for an Easter theme this week. Makes sense when you consider it is actually Easter. Does that make me smart or dum? Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms...

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer - no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realise this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognise that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand... kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behaviour for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal - like a horse - strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognise that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why, when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey...

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

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A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has witnessed the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life". "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right". "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?" "A Harley". And with that the journalist says goodbye and leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: "BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."


By some miracle of time management I somehow got the update sorted hours ahead of time this week. Usually it's a shit fuck whereby I slide into home plate just in the nick of time. If stranger shit has happened I'm yet to see it. Anyway...

- Check out the site archives. They're so massive that scientists have declared them a continent. True story. Look it up on Google.
- Next update will be next Thursday although it will, after a four day break, be begrudgingly.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fertilise your Easter eggs. He'll get those little ones, fill them with man blow and serve them to you as those delicious crème eggs everyone loves so much. The funny thing is you won't know until after you've swallowed them down and are already digesting the Ray sprog.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a happy Easter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2008.03.13-23.54

Welcome to Orsm.net. Unnecessarily complicated.

An espresso, a multi-vit, two Red Bulls, some watermelon, an apple and about two litres of water. The good - extreme productivity. The bad - at least twenty piss stops and counting. Ahh Thursday's...

I frickin hate this time of the year. Guaranteed every time the season starts to change - summer to winter, winter to summer - my sleep cycle gets completely destroyed. All last week I woke up at 7.19am. This week it's pushed back [or is it forward?] to 6.40am. The funny thing is it's not thereabouts. I wake up at EXACTLY those times. And why? No fucking idea is why... just BING and I'm awake.

It's been one of those weird weeks where everyone has just sort of converged upon me in some way. Friends and family who I haven't spoken to in ages have all chosen the last couple of days to reach out to someone they love [me!]. My email has been ba-bing'ing and don't even get me started on how many times the phone has rung. What's better is that it was almost all social... no-one actually wanted anything which makes it all the more weird.

Pretty sure I've crapped on about retail trading hours before but once again its become a point of public debate here in little old Perth. Our exalted state leader has said that if his party wins the next state election he would push extending them through parliament. So what do we have now you ask? For most places it's roughly 9am till 5pm Monday to Saturday with 9pm Thursdays. Big whoop. The changes would mean 9pm every day and Sunday trading. Awes.

Sounds all too good but watching the news earlier and the results of a poll they ran, you would be forgiven for thinking we're a society of backward-minded retards with 72% of people against any changes! Serious question for all those people - what the fuck is wrong with you!? There seems to be less and less hours in the week and extra time would make all the difference to anyone that needs a bit of convenience in their life.

The way I see it - if we're already getting jabbed with ever increasing prices we may as well get something for it. No doubt I'll live to regret these words but this could actually be a reason to vote Labor...

Okay on to my weekend because as we've established it's a pretty good way for me to fill a paragraph or two, allow the uninspired amongst you to live vicariously through me and let's not forget posterity... I may have kids one day that will read this and I'm sure they'll want to know what else I did besides run a big porn website.

That said, I'm starting to think my weekends have become nothing more than a blatant copy of the preceding one. Take last weekend for instance. Woke up, surfed the web, did some groceries, bought a lotto ticket, watched a DVD and walked the dog. Sunday same deal as previous - beach with pooch, home to garden and do shit around the house for a few hours followed by washing the car. Wholly unremarkable yet tiring and in many ways quite satisfying. Does this mean I'm already old and boring? Admittedly better than losing my weekends to vile hangovers but I really need to set aside some time for hobbies that don't get trounced by just going through the motions.

Anyway let's fire this puppy up. Grab your rubber gloves, tissues and check it...

Click for more awesomeness

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Sabrina Rips - Game Time - Giselle - Blonde Godess - Oiled Boobs - SuperBad - Little Bitches - Candy Girl

Jubblies! - Context - Olsen Porn - Matrix Club - Hot or Butch? - Public Fuck - Lame-oids - Black Fuckers - Blackanese

Ooops! - Awesomeness - 99 Words - Don't Laugh - Ana Friel - Patsy's Nips - He Does It! - Test Day - Breakup Vid

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"
One day a mother was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she found a S&M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while she was cleaning. He looked at the S&M magazine and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"  He looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

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I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work. --Charles Turner

WHY don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. --Stu Bray

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. --T Potter

Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up. --Christina Martin

Alton Towers - 'Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. --Colum Hill

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story. --Tommo, Hull

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. --Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. --T Barnham, London

I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam. --Franco



The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behaviour in accordance with the truths established below.

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

A: YES. Before, if possible.

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

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"Ya know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In St Andrews there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing laddies", said the Irishman. "Back home in me own Killarney, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman & Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman... "but it did happen to me sister."

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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm want list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Justin wrote:
Subject: nice spelling on ebay ad
Saw this... This guy was completely serious. No joke. Thought you'd enjoy it.

acehanlon wrote:
Subject: John Cleese
Hi, Mr ORSM. John Cleese forgot one very strange American habit: These idiots "go to the bathroom" for a dump or a piss! Even if they go behind a bush, they "go to the bathroom". When I go to the bathroom I go there to take a bath, as all normal people do. For a dump or a piss I go to the toilet, the lavatory, the WC, the shithouse or whatever, but never to the bathroom.

Gav wrote:
Subject: Russ, John Cleese, and Aluminium
Hey ORSM-man, Russ must be smoking some good shit. Where did he do his research? How was aluminium invented by Humphrey Davey (should be Humphry Davy)? It's an element! It's always been there and Humphry Davy did not discover it. Maybe he means an aluminium alloy? But Humphry Davy did not make the first one of those either.... Maybe I've missed some very strange tongue-in-cheek joke?

Ben wrote:
Subject: Pictures from the "One man Starwars show"
Yep, that's me, the guy in the red t-shirt...

One Man Star Wars clip here. -Orsm

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Colin wrote:
Subject: Media release: IKEA - New product
Media Release: IKEA has announced its intention to start selling cars.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nasty whore ex girlfriend
hey been a long time reader of the site thought id try and send you something orsmworthy, heres a pic of a nasty ass whore ex girlfriend who couldnt keep her legs shut if her life depended on it.
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Flying Lesson
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year. Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in South Auckland because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend. The CAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Clare was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (Instrument Flight Rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (Visual Flight Rating) rating. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. Photographs below were taken at the crash scene showing the extent of damage to her aircraft. She was very lucky...
Michael wrote:
Subject: Bargain beer
Saw this in a 99 cent store in southern California... probably one of the WORST beers out there... I'm told that it's one of those "end of the night" beers when all you want to do is keep the buzz going... <<...>>
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics of my aunts boxer
been a fan for several years, took these pictures of my aunts boxer and well you can see how they came out, looks like the thing from "Predator" so i thought i would send them to you. hide my info please
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Shark
Brisbane River Bull Shark...

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: blondo
girl i know and she loves it. btw great site and get fucked as well. no deetials.

No 'deetials' it is. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: bogged
Hi there. I thought I'd send you a few photos of a bit of a predicament my sisters boyfriend got himself, my sister and my two sons into one night, a couple of months back. The photos were taken the morning after when the recovery began. The video will follow soon. No one was hurt except I expect my sister's boyfriend's pride. Enjoy.
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Call Centre & All Hook Ups
...Know those guys in India you call, when you have a technical problem with your computer?? Here is an example of their technology......

Looks like under my desk... -Orsm

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Uwe wrote:
Subject: new Fashion 2008
Hey Mr. Orsm, is this something for your site ? Nice fashion…… love your site for years ! Greets from Germany

I want to hate her for being a skank but it just works for me. -Orsm

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Midnight Rotisserie Guy wrote:
Subject: Victoria Falls and Devil's Pool
In Zimbabwe the magnificent Victoria Falls have a drop of 128m. There is a place where one can swim called the Devil's Pool but only during the months of September to December. Now Look at the photos.

Made me dizzy looking at these. Call me a pansy but never would I do that. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: thanks sweetheart
Catherine helps me blow a load. love the site am there every week love seeing the wife doing rude shit to me. no details please cheers
click to watch video

Mike wrote:
Subject: Pole Vault Video
Here is a video of me breaking my pole in highschool. I came pretty close to breaking my neck.

I'd be devastated if my pole broke... -Orsm

click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Found a memory card on NYE at Metro Fremantle
Hey there, My mate found a memory card at metro's freo on NYE, I have finally got around to having a look at it. And I mean, digging around for some fresh pics/vids. Low and behold, I think I found one. The girl in the vid is pretty bloody hot, what do you think? Please withhold my details :)
click to watch video

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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed, "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow ,"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse... ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time... bring POSSE!!”


A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, "Mum I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says, "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mum and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mum with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him... "pussy and bitch".

Dad says, "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle, is pussy." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Everything outside that circle!"

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Fred staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Fred sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting them on as best he could each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Fred woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Fred said, "Why you say such a mean thing!?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror...!!"

RS. It's better than all of us. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean my house."

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

"Have you any grounds?" "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."

"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete."

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have a carport, and not need one."

"I mean, what are your relations like?" "All my relations still in Poland."

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

"Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her."

"Is your wife a nagger?" "No, she white."

"Why do you want this divorce?" "She is going to kill me."

"What makes you think that?" "I got proof."

"What kind of proof?" "She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: Polish Remover".


That's it! All finished for another week! I've had to dig deep into my heart and soul to crank this bad boy out but I can say with great certainty that there is nothing else I would rather be doing on a Thursday... and Wednesday... and all the other days it took me to screw this update together.

- Check out the site archives before they check you out.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Amen, brother.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spend the next few months spiking your drinks and food with very small amounts of Ice. Eventually you'll become addicted without even knowing. Your teeth will fall out, you'll become anxious, erratic, lose your job and alienate your loved ones to check out ORSM. All because you didn't tell your friends. Now... do you think its really worth it?
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and welcome Bailey [congrats B, S & W]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2008.03.06-23.58

Welcome to Orsm.net. Hi... and you are?

Had to laugh today. Two guys were arrested upon landing at Perth airport after flying cross-country in a small plane with $80M of ecstasy and amphetamines onboard. The cops are now setting up an investigation to find out if they are part of a larger syndicate. Hah ya think? "No officer. I bought it all off some guy in a club. The 30kg of gear is for personal use."

You've got to feel sorry for the recreational drug users though. With the Easter holiday weekend not too far away some of you may actually have to hit the booze for a change!

Moving on... the squeeze is on and it's a scary time to be a consumer or for that matter, alive. I'm not really all that sure what's happening in other countries but if you're an Aussie, signs that there is pain ahead lurk around every corner. We know this not only because our glorious leader is screaming it at us but because inflation is out of control, petrol prices are at record levels, interest rates are up for the second time this year, absurd rental prices, sub-prime fallout, health insurance costs increasing, and [for some of us] the ridiculously weak US dollar is beyond frustrating. Anyone who thinks it isn't going to get worse is off their little brain delusional.

I've been trying to work out why it's happening. Obviously everything is connected to everything - the price of oil goes up which increases the cost of transport which pushes food prices up which makes workers demand more money from their boss at the refinery. And so on...

Okay you're probably laughing at my simplistic understanding of economics but I don't see how any of this can end well. Maybe not this month or this year or for a couple of years but surely it all comes to a head eventually. And then what? Recession? Does every boom end in years of pain or am I just being pessimistic? I guess we're going to find out...

Onto my weeeekend... which was a long one. Labour Day apparently. Absolutely no fucking idea what it means except we get an extra day to spend as we please. Works for me.

Saturday started the same as most of them do - groceries and casual perving [no trench coat Sam!]. Skip forward a few hours and we hit the town for the night. I nominated myself as driver firstly because I wanted to be up at a normal hour the next day and secondly because we were going to have a big one Sunday night. Had a good time though... few quiet drinks, couple of friends, some casual bullshit and home by half 1.

Woke up Sunday in pain. Sore back. Pretty sure it had something to do with leaving the air-conditioner on while I slept. Not a whole lot I could do about it so bundled dog in the car and knicked off to the beach for a few hours. Awesome day for it but starting to get the feeling there's only a month or two before its all over until next summer. Doh.

Had grandiose plans for the rest of the weekend. They started with mowing, gardening and pruning and soon turned into cleaning out the fish pond... a job I've put off for the last couple of years [and with good reason]. No idea how many decades of filth were contained within the small swamp but it was festy as fuck and I'm actually surprised I haven't contracted meningitis. By the time it was done I was covered head to toe in sweat and slime and my back was KILLING me. So into a cold shower I hopped... probably the worst thing I could do as far as my back was concerned. And that was it... weekend over. No boozy Sunday night and holiday Monday lost making 'Owwwwwwwwww' noises. Fucking back.

Okay I'm running out of space and there probably isn't anyone reading at this point anyway so lets get on with update number 10 [only 41 more until Christmas!] for the year. Check it...

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Prison Boogy - Game On - Overspun - Kick-a-Skank - Awes Tata's - Meltdowns - Black Teen - Dick Rider - Gay Lord

Jamie Pressley - Gross Dude! - Drunk Babes - Cam Chicki - Nasty Gurl - Brutal Stack - Fun Bags - Bubblegum Nikki

Boob-tastic - Perfecto Bod - 21 Accents - Magic Pussy - Tub-erline - Diet Chug - Tara Badness - Freak - DeLorean

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America uncertainty has now hit Japan, in the last 7 days: Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches, Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, Shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that clients and staff may get a raw deal.
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's 'doing' her the Rev Mother comes in. "SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect! Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

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1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on barbecue ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Skinny Latte " and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.

9. If you style your hair so that it looks messed up and un-styled you are a big dirty poo pirate ship. This also applies to anyone who doesn't blink at spending $50 or more on styling wax/clay/mud.

10. If you don't regularly surf Orsm.net then you absolutely love the cock. Additionally, anyone who does surf Orsm but doesn't, email me, click ads or tell their friends about Orsm.net is in deep denial about their sexuality.

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A young man calls on his new girl for a first date. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny.

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "That's how they communicate!, Mum was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching the match."

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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Road side rubbish.
G'day Mr orsm.I hate roadside rubbish hunters as well. Filthy fuckers.I have seen children pushed outside of a vehicle to get an old computer chair into an already laden vehicle. But I am a perseved legend to a few friends for my roadside rubbish story, please don't judge me. A couple of years back I was driving by a pile of old crab nets and other stuff ready for pick up. I thought out of that pipe of old crabbing gear there should be some good nets, I noticed commercial nets( the good heavy ones). I did a lap around the block and pulled up onto the verge and to my delight, there were six or so excellent nets, bingo I thought, loaded them in and heard the previous owner yell from his balcony, in the distance,OI.I waved and drove off. Happy for my bounty. As I drove away I thought of the other stuff there around the nets, an old esky, a bag I was not interested in plus some other shit.What I had actually done was to steal this guys planned crabbing session gear. He was obviously waiting to be picked up and had his gear ready to go. I am so ashamed. I didn't go back and have used them in a way he would be proud of. Legend to some Thief to others.
Russ wrote:
Subject: John Cleese.
Hey Orsm! I should preface this e-mail by saying that I think John Cleese is one of the funniest men on the planet, particularly his vocational videos, and that "Fawlty Towers" was arguably the best sitcom ever produced on either side of the Atlantic. However, had John done some research he would've found out that 'aluminum' was invented by an Englishman (British) named Humphrey Davey and that he named and spelled it without the 'I'. Sorry Mr Cleese and Mr Oxford!
magoo wrote:
Subject: Foxtrot Charlie
Hey ORSM. Took this photo at Armadale Maccas today. Either it's a freaky coincidence or the owner of the car is a fat cunt. Cheers
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Speeding fine...
Just got this in the mail. I'm not sure if it makes the grade, but it gave me a good laugh. The only time I've been pleased to get a fine. Not posting my details would be appreciated.

I guess what we're all wondering is - did you find anything? -Orsm

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jokermojo wrote:
Subject: a WTF picture
Hey Orsm, I'm a longtime lurker on the site and I can't wait for Thursday nights to see all the new stuff you put up. I've never really had anything to send you until now. Take a look at the pic then notice the kid to the right... classy.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pic for RS
Hi. Found this the other night while surfing e-bay. This cunt's actually serious.
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muddy wrote:
Subject: Tasmania June 2007 017
This is a photo of a "guitarist " I hired to cover in our band while our regular was sick.I had four gigs lined up in Tassie and during a break of a couple of days that we had, we done the tourist thing up to Mt Wellington . He and another guy had never seen the snow before and it had just began so there were people everywhere. So when we got up the top,I suggested that we sneak down into the bush and lean against a rock or something to take some pics for our posters seeing as we didn't have any of the new guy. There were plenty of places to go but the wanker grabs his guitar out of the boot,straps it on in the carpark in front of like HUNDREDS of tourists and next thing there were people everywhere wanting to know who the idiot was pretending to play the guitar in the snow.We were SOOOO embarrassed !!! He deserves to be parodied because not only did he get the shits when we told him to put his guitar away and don't be a wanker but during gigs when the sax player was doing his lead breaks,the idiot was pretending to do the lead on his guitar.Plus when we got back to Brisbane he made sure that he told everyone's wives and girlfriends what they had got up to. He even made shit up to tell them and one of the guys busted up with his wife of 15 years because this arsehole told her a bunch of lies.But he's not even game to front up like a man,he does all the shit "anonymously" on the phone. Out of all the photos we took on tour,this idiot managed to get his head in to 80% of then,you'd be taking a pic of some convict ruins at Port Arthur or something and next thing he'd be posing in the background. An absolute tosser.
Glenn wrote:
Subject: Submission
The photo was taken in Ouray, Colorado. It's really a statue erected of a fireman holding a phallic apparatus that shoots (fittingly) a load onto a fire to put it out. The angle as seen from the hot springs (picture) reveals the artist's true intentions. Sorry for the blur, it was a new camera. I'd take another, but I live in Chicago now.
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Spider Wumun wrote:
ever been walking through the woods at night and had that sensation that something was................ This picture is from Montana, where someone set out a motion sensor camera to see if any big bucks were passing in the area.
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Daniel wrote:
Subject: nice mate pictures
G'day Mr. ORSM, long time reader, first time contributor. Send you some pictures of our mate which were blocked by our Email-Content-Filter. It's nice to have such fuckin' good looking mates which are stupid enough to send these pictures to an company email account. Keep my details secret. THX
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Yogo Fetish Guy wrote:
Subject: Roys hit
Imagine being forever known as the guy who got polaxed by Symonds! That would be a story to tell the grandkids!
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Mark wrote:
Subject: RM Candidate
I bought a laptop on eBay two weeks ago - these were among loads of pics that had been deleted but were still in the Recycle Bin. The guy who sold me the laptop has my address but lives 230 miles from me so I guess it's worth the risk in passing them on to orsm, plus whoever else looks through Reader Mail :)
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Ninja wrote:
Subject: The things you see while fishin WTF!!!!
Me (Ninja) , Scano and a few mates (Big O ,Booga and Ferret) went fishin down floreat beach and as we were walkin up to the drain we seen a nude body on the beach. I thought hmmmm i hope its a girl. As we got closer we both just about fell over hahahahahaha!!!!!!!! Some freak was starkaz with a bear bottle shrine to his knob! Me and Scano had to get a few pics hahahaha!!! Definatly the weirdest thing iv seen for a while especially at a famous fishing spot! Should of seen the people walkin past what a crack up!
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Craig wrote:
Subject: ice recovery walloon lake ( michigan )
This truck was 470 yards from shore the driver was 81 years old but he was not hurt when the truck went down. The truck is a 1997 toyota extend a cab. this recovery was started on 2/3/2008 at 8:00 am and all equipment was put away by 4:00 pm. truck was in 18 feet of water
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Penis Birthday Cake
My friend is a amatuer cake maker and this was a special request for a 40th birthday... Notice the detail in the forskin...The cake was doen by Robin from Athol, MA.
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Johnee wrote:
Subject: Simply Shocking!
Absolutely shocking! I found this really hard to believe... can you believe anyone would drink Jack Daniels and Coke without ice?!

Forget the ice... I would have to ask how can anyone drink Jack Daniels...? Eww. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pc play
Hi Mr Orsm, I sent you some pictures of a girl I used to see giving head back in December and found some video clips whilst I was clearing out old email accounts. Its the same girl, definite milf, and was always so horny. This video was made whilst we were chatting on MSN Messenger one day whilst I was at work!! Thank god for mobile internet connections eh. The videos were waiting for me when I made it home that evening. Hope you and all those in orsm land enjoy looking at them.
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Toys r us
Hi Mr Orsm, Another video montague of my ex for you. She does like her toys and used to send me videos frequently. Hope you can use it. Hide my name and email please - more to follow!! ORSM is the best thing to come out of Australia bar none!!
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Entertaining
Got a hold of a copy of a "buds", wifes vid. She's a babe. He's and idiot. Keep my info secret.
click to watch video

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A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child "Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?' Becky replies "I have been playing in the sand box". "Very good" says the teacher "if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit".

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard. "Very good" says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says "Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?" Freddie replies "playing with Becky in the sand box". "Very good" says the teacher. "If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit".

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. "Very good" says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?" "No" replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names".

"Oh dear" says the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit".


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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!" The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes," said Michael, "My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon. Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking!"

Delicious and delightful, engrossing and entertaining. Well you can forget all that. This is RS. You get what you're given and you'll fucking like it. Check it...

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Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt." "I do not understand," said the other. The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish." I said, "No shit?"

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For his birthday little Matty asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but we've got a $500k mortgage on the house and your mother just lost her job. There's just no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Matty told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $500k mortgage and no fucking bike!"

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One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?" "Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"


Well that's it for this week and not a moment too soon. So so tired. Damn public holidays mess my shit up every time. I'm not lying when I say some serious hours went into this weeks update too. Yesterday an 18 hour monster, Tuesday 15 and today I slacked it - just 14. Wouldn't do it if I didn't love it though huh? Anyway standby why I cut to the outro...

- Check out the site archives. NOW.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Blah blah blah...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will 'accidentally' jab you with an infected syringe. A few months later you'll find out you have the Aids. It may be several years before you pass but right until the death knock you'll wonder how it happened. Then there'll be Ray. Standing there. Smiling. And he'll whisper "you should have told your friends about Orsm".
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and umm yeah. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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