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Welcome to Orsm.net. Mi Goreng? Nooo... YOU Goreng...
How the fuck are you bastards? Everyone chirpy and rip rearin' ready for the four day long weekend? Honestly whoever thought this scam up is a fucking genius and probably the only way to top it would be with a five or perhaps seven day weekend.
At the moment the hardest thing is working out how to spend it. Pretty much got nothing planned except for Easter Sunday. Instead of a greasy bacon and egg breakfast we're doing dim sum. Much better and you don't have to go through that 'please kill me' feeling afterward. Sunday night is a chance to get on the booze but aside from that I'm a free agent. I do have friends though... I swear... really...
I had the marvellous idea of doing a day trip down south... jump in the car, drive 300 kilometres for lunch and then drive back but with fuel prices at record highs this weekend it would feel too much like I was being raped. There are far better ways to blow $150 plus traffic will be insane PLUS with every cop in the state brandishing a radar, speed camera, [or other revenue raising device], double demerits and recently doubled fines it doesn't seem worth it.
Not like the old days though. I remember doing the Easter weekend day trip with some mates probably eleven or twelve years ago. It wasn't a big deal back then... juice was a give away $0.55 a litre... a whole $1.00 less than it is now! Disgusting. It's times like now I wonder if no one had invaded Iraq would oil prices be so high. I doubt it.
Moving on... after six long months the AFL is back this weekend. That's right – Australian Rules Football. It's been a pre-season filled with plenty of entertaining off-field drama but now that its back everyone can once again run around dispensing opinions convinced they're an expert because they've seen a couple of games. For the rest of us we can get back to what's important - hating the Fremantle Dockers. Eagles for the flag.
Time to segue from this weekend to the last. Why? Because I can... and because I've spent far, far, FAR too much time working on this update, staring blankly into my monitor, to form any sort of opinion that could be considered blog-worthy...
Saturday and Sunday were nothing unusual and I would just be repeating myself if I went into any great detail... so I shant. The only change from the norm was going for a cruise up to Kings Park which, for those of you who don't live here, is basically a huge piece of bushland bordering the CBD that overlooks the city and river. Sunday was the first time I have been through during the day for ages and there were people and tourists and weddings going on everywhere. Good place to spend an afternoon.
Okay I don't want too drag this out any longer than necessary. My mind is already beyond the update and pondering the rapidly approaching break so time to get on with the update and help you guys waste some time not doing whatever else it is you're supposed to be. Check it...
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Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...
Teen Hottie - Addictive - Join Eva - Holy Fuck - Ipecac Prank - Striptease - Awareness - Big Boy - Southern Freaks
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Nat Naked - Cat-ercise - Wet T-shirt - Hooj Tata's - Keytar Heroes - Stripper Blooper - 100% Balls - Aniston - Dildo
A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the joint! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line "Did you see me rob this Bank?" The customer replies "YES!" The bank robber raises his gun points it to his head and BANG!! SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD!! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man "DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????" The man calmly responds "No... but my wife did!"
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Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter the convent's grounds, they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a Marine." The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"
| THE STANDARD BY WHICH ALL ARE JUDGED... |
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RULES TO LIVE BY
Just a few tips to help you get through life with the minimum of stress...
-Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
-Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
-Always shit at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
-Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastard.
-Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
-Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.
-An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
-Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
-Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
-Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
-Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
-High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
-Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
-Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
-A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
-Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
-At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
-Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.
-Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
-Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
-Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
-Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says... "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
| JET POWERED |
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm want list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.
Nick from Crete wrote:
Subject: THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Orsm, I have been visiting your site for at least 4 years and honestly, I haven't been offended so far...
The content of your site varies a lot, from funny to serious and from pleasant to disgusting, but it is the problem of a visitor to accept it or not... Hope we agree...
But Mr. Orsm, you SHOULD understand that simply you DO NOT have the right to make fun or creating "jokes" with the politics of a Country... If you are so much uneducated and you really do not know what is Macedonia or not, it concerns you and only you. But please STOP making fun with a serious problem of Greece's external politics, unless you have been born in Skopje and then I pardon you for those stupid bullshits you did by phone. My suggestion is, in the future to keep yourself busy with cunts, asres and nice teats and live alone Greeks, Slavs and the international problems. |
Martin wrote:
Subject: Adelaide's been hot of late
Now that we (those of us that live in Adelaide) have some time to enjoy a cool change, it's time to reflect on some of March's weather.
- Adelaide experienced an Australian capital city record of 15 days straight above 35 degrees C (an official heatwave is 5 straight days above 35 degrees C) for Autumn
- Of those 15 days, 13 of those were above the old 100 degrees F mark
- The hottest day was 40.5 degrees C
- The hottest overnight minimum was 30.2 degrees C (which I believe is the same temp as the hottest day of Sydney's summer this season)
- The average temp in Adelaide for all of March to 17/3/08 is 37.5 degrees (almost at the old 100 degrees F mark of 37.8 degrees C)
That's tough. But spare a thought for those residents of Marble Bar in WA that survived the 160 days straight above 100 degrees F (37.8 degrees C) a while back. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
You're thinking.......Wanker.
I heard wings like that can add up to 50 horepower. -Orsm |
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One TwoThree wrote:
Subject: Damn Dog
Hey there Mr. Orsm, Me and the boys were out hunting this past fall up here in the north country (Canada). Thought that you might enjoy this picture - damn dog, just can't break his habit of tenderizing the meat. Love the site, keep up the good work |
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Roberto Arico wrote:
Subject: Better than a penis cake
Hey Mr Orsm :) I've been a long timr admirer of the site, on and off for many many years... Thanks for the hard work and stuff you've put in on the site, it truly lives up to its name.. Shame you're an aussie tho :p I saw the Penis cake, and thought "It's cute", but this was a cake for a 60th Party... Nice detailing. Thanks, I hope I get to see my name immortalised on your site. |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Readers mail
Hi there, we live in Featherston, which is a small, semi rural town in the North Island of New Zealand. Round the corner from us is an old guy whose always been a bit odd: he occasionally puts signs up like "Thieving Maoris Stay Off My Land!" and he used to have the top of his fence covered in barbed wire. He's just put a couple of new (very securely fastened) signs up and I thought they might be worthy of your site. Just watch out for Astral! Thanks |
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Rui wrote:
Subject: Rambo at H20
Hi, So H20 is a huge party that go's down a few times a year in South Africa. Every party has some funny people crawl out of the wood work and at last weekends one was no exception. Here (attached) we have a picture of one such specimen. Its started doing the rounds this week and is gaining popularity quite quickly on the local forums as well as a Facebook Group with all sorts of photoshop pics. Figured it would be worth a mention on ORSM and get it going GLOBAL :) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Summernats 2008
A momento from this years summer nats. No details please
I wonder what she's saying... "youse cunts are fucked". Looks like that kinda girl. -Orsm |
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ben wrote:
Subject: bear
THIS IS A MONSTER! YOU WOULDNT WANT TO RUN INTO IT ALONE WITHOUT A Backup
Poor bear. -Orsm
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Matthew wrote:
Subject: Drifting Pictures.
Here is some pictures of the drifting races that happened today (the 15th of March) out at the Wanaroo RaceWay. This is the first time I saw racing like this - rather than the freestyle stuff - and it's great to see that people are willing to put a sence of style and panache into racing, rather to see who can just be the fastest accross the line. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics for your site
awesome site. my buddies girl keeps emailing me these pics of herself and next thing you know shes in my room on her knees taking money shots. oh well hope you like. no details please |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of single slutty sister-in-law
G'day! Thought this was ripe for your site. My sister-in-law thinks she's a model. She's not. She is however, a a pretty good fuck on occasion. She lives with her mother and comes over every now and then to show off the new lingerie she bought, asks me to take pics, and then pays me on her back. The only catch is that camera has to be off for that.
Oh, well. Great site, keep up the good work. And keep me anonymous. |
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Bob wrote:
Subject: Melbourne F1
Some Pictures from the Melbourne F1 Enjoy. Please don't show my email details. Cheers |
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One wrote:
Subject: cell phone porn
Hey Mr. Orsm. I am "One" from bunch of drunks [DoT] net. Here are a few pics of me and a few different of my ex girlfriends. Hope yall enjoy |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: STS-123 Launch Photos
Pictures of the March 11, 2008 2:28 am EST night launch of Space Shuttle Endeavour STS-123 were taken by one of the United Space Alliance (USA) employees who works at KSC. In one of them, you can see ripples in the water where some fish are jumping. They say the vibration from the launch makes them jumpy. |
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: launch
capri darg launch
Weeeeeeeeeee! -Orsm |
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An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asked. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman. "Fair enough," said the boss.
"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stared into space for a while then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. So, when do I start?"
ORSM
VIDEO
A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks out a huge box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog!" "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!"
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"
| SWEET DARK CHOCOLATE |
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The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in... you look like an arsehole!"
RANDOM SHITE
I've decided to go for an Easter theme this week. Makes sense when you consider it is actually Easter. Does that make me smart or dum? Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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ROPING A DEER
Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms...
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer - no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realise this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognise that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand... kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behaviour for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal - like a horse - strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognise that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why, when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey...
| PORTRAITURE GONE BAD |
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
| ITS ALL FOOD |
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A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has witnessed the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life". "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right". "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?" "A Harley". And with that the journalist says goodbye and leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: "BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
ORSM
VIDEO
By some miracle of time management I somehow got the update sorted hours ahead of time this week. Usually it's a shit fuck whereby I slide into home plate just in the nick of time. If stranger shit has happened I'm yet to see it. Anyway...
- Check out the site archives. They're so massive that scientists have declared them a continent. True story. Look it up on Google.
- Next update will be next Thursday although it will, after a four day break, be begrudgingly.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fertilise your Easter eggs. He'll get those little ones, fill them with man blow and serve them to you as those delicious crème eggs everyone loves so much. The funny thing is you won't know until after you've swallowed them down and are already digesting the Ray sprog.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a happy Easter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
