orsm.net
Orsm.net on Facebook Orsm.net on Instagram Orsm.net on Twitter
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
orsmsite
orsmstuff
orsmstuff
moreorsmness


Click for more awesomeness

October 2008...
 
orsmupdate 2008.10.30-23.02
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Celine has an oversize brain.

Hi there. How y'all doing? Moi... faaaantastic. Honestly how could I not be? I don't care that this update has sapped more hours than I ever thought possible. I don't care that I'm overtired and bleary-eyed. I don't even care that my poor pooch, friends and family think I'm in a committed relationship with the computer. I'm your servient little bitch and love it.

So its election time. Fascinating stuff. Despite what the polls are saying I'm still baffled as to how it's going to play out. From the outside looking in the choice seems obvious -Obama- but it's hard not to think race is going to decide it which, to me, is sheer lunacy. How it cannot come down to who is the best guy for the job makes no sense.

That said, I can't imagine Australia ever electing an Aboriginal Prime Minister. Absolutely will not happen in my life time. Forget for a moment we don't have any white politicians even remotely the same calibre as Obama [or McCain for that matter] let alone an Aboriginal one, I just don't see Aussies ever being comfortable with an Aboriginal leading the country. I'm not sure what my point is here or if I even have one but whatever happens the world is most definitely watching.

Facebook continues to amaze me with yet more proof that people are all about the friend count. A few months ago a girl I went to school with added me. Haven't seen her in a good 13-14 years and even then I don't recall any interaction but whatever. She wants to be friends, let's be friends. Since then I haven't heard a peep from her. No "Wow it's been a long time... what are you up to these days?". Nothing.

Anyway so I'm doing some shopping  the other day and a girl almost runs me down with her trolley. Guess who? I get a polite 'oops' smile and she strolls away. Riiight. The next day I'm at the servo filling up with petrol and a car pulls up next to me, girl jumps out and starts filling up. Guess who? Looks straight at me, eye contact, nothing.

Okay yeah I could have jumped in with a "Wow it's been a long time... what are you up to these days?" but I'm not the one that befriended her. It's plagued me all week what the point of adding someone is if you don't know them and you have no desire to communicate with them.

Saturday night was Pride night. Yes – gay people on parade. I've tried to make it in for the last few years but usually ends up shitty weather. Anyway we headed in to the city bright and early to make sure we had a good vantage point... which turned out not to be all that important as the spectator turnout was relatively minimal. I was expecting to see a scaled down Sydney Mardi Gras with lavish floats, sparkling costumes and plenty-o-nudity but all up it was around 20 minutes of gay people rushing past. It was actually a lot of fun though. Dykes On Bikes was my personal favourite – some of those chicks are so masculine they even put a manly-man like myself to shame. Some bad pics I shot here.

Orright dudes let's get this update happening. Is it good you ask? I'm not even going to answer that! Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

He LOL'd - Game Time - Cam Twins - Classic Revenge - Playboy Babe - Gazunga's! - Heroes Hottie - Sexy Strip

Drunk Gurls - Wassuuup!? - Wow Blondie - Spicy Italiano - Fuck Off! - Scary Babes - It's A Woman - Club Sluts

Funky Pumpky - Ultra Jasmine - Major Dildo - Tasty Tease - Mmm Baconnaise - The Body - Ninja Skates - Hot Pants

BONUS LIIINKS: Crazy Fuck - Smile - Ghost Fuck - So Smashed - Insanely Smart - Dumb Bird

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?"  St. Peter calls after him. "No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."
--
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken.
--
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

HANNAH = SEXTACULAR
click for gallery

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Senor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is DEAD?" "Yes Senor Rod! He died from all that work pulling the water cart. "

"Are you insane?? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." "Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??" "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!" "Yes, Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor-made Super Quad 460 golf clubs."

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep fucking shit!!"

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

50 THINGS YOU WOULD LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a shit.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door..........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

PARADISE FOUND: BAROS MALDIVES
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MALE
For everyone that hasn't taken the time to share something with your fellow Orsm-er's then hang your pathetic heads in shame. You suck so much that I had to spread rumours about you giving head to homeless guys because you enjoy it. It is however possible to atone for your sins by rapidly firing emails my way. Simply fill my inbox with whatever you've got lying around - could be jokes, stupid videos, Ex pics, an RS submission... absolutely anything you can strap to an email and I'll forgive you. It's as easy as clicking here and making the magic happen.

Peter wrote:
Subject: net filtring
Hi, its me again....Did you read, this fucking Gov is going to censor ALL pon including what it sees as "Fetish sites"...that would mean only fucking in a missionary position !!!!..... What the fucking hell is going on in the mind off Rudd????.....they say its going to put us in same league as IRAN !! It looks like he is sucking up to his friends the Chinese as he has business over there. Is there ANY way that EG VPN etc can by pass this??? I would look in todays papers..........HELP....Let me out off this fucking mad country...

More goverment over-reaching and missing the point. The worst part is and what most people don't realise is that it will not be opt-out. Everyone will be blocked. This could literally mean Orsm.net disappears overnight. Who voted for this guy anyway? -Orsm

Bernie wrote:
Subject: gun control
Gday ORSM. Id like to respond to DtM and his/her comments on gun control in America. maybe DtM is just too young to remember the fucked up "gun buy back scam" that his/her old mate john Howard snuck in as law. The main stream media and both sides of government all made out that this was the BEST thing for Australia. Disarm the law abiding citizens and the gun problem will go away??? It was the LAW ABIDING CITIZENS only that handed in their forearms NOT THE BLOODY CRIMS! As a result of this RETARD LAW, crime and violence with gus has VASTLY increased in Australia and I now find it far too easy to get just about anything I want in the way of weapons. Some people are just to stupid or too young to remember the mistakes made in the past. Alcohol prohibition is one classic example of how it flourished underground and made the criminals (and a lot of coppers) very rich. DtMs way of thinking is to let some home invading criminal break into your home and do whatever he likes cause thanks to fools like DtM the laws protect the crims more than YOU the home owner. get a life and grow up DtM ya bloody retard wanker.

I don't think that's right about gun crimes increasing. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: RE: DtM
Hey Orsm, Love your site and have been a fan for a few years now. I'd like to interject with my two cents if I may, with regards to the adobe file posted by DtM last week pertaining to one gun lobbyists insights on B.Rock Obizzle's stance on firearms. I happen to take issue with DtM's response to the article:

I realize that your site is composed and managed in Australia with many of your readers being from that region as well. Further, I realize that you're country was founded under British rule and still maintains many similar laws and statutes. I feel some amount of sympathy that you don't share the same constitution and bill of rights that we so readily enjoy here in the United States. As a college educated veteran of the infantry and of the Iraq war, I take an even greater amount of pride in our freedoms having both studied how they came to pass, then defending them in our armed forces. The 2nd Amendment, which grants us the right to keep and bear arms, is of greater significance to me still as a law abiding sportsmen, third generation collector, and registered holder of a concealed weapons permit. I utilize firearms for hunting, sport, recreation, and self-defense. The fact that Barry O holds such contempt for my constitutional right to do so on all accounts, and the fact that I view him as an "enemy" of gun rights, doesn't makes me a "retard" -- it makes me a citizen worried about my freedoms being encroached upon. Freedoms that so many have fought and died for to earn, and even more have fought and died for to retain. The criminal is going to have a gun whether it's illegal or not; that's why they're a criminal -- complete disregard for the law. So I, as a tax paying, law-abiding, firearms-registering citizen should be left holding a flashlight and a phone when somebody breaks into my home, because Barry Hussein banned everything except slingshots? Looks like it's time to move to Australia and start a crime ring. If I'm just going to meet guys like DtM at the door over there, it should be a cake walk. Probably for the best, a moron like that guy SHOULDN'T have a firearm anyway. Better if he remains a subject, rather than a citizen.

You make out that we don't have any rights or freedom. Not true. As for firearms, anyone can own a gun however there are limits. Automatic weapons are banned as are various others. Gun owners must be licensed, of sound mind and prove they are proficient in gun use. I'm a recreational shooter and absolutely LOVE blasting holes in shit but I've never understood why anyone would need anything more powerful than a handgun to protect themselves. -Orsm

Russ wrote:
Subject: Daylight Saving Time.
Hey ORSM! Knowing your aversion to daylight saving time, I thought you'd like to know that there's a province in Canada that shares your feelings. Why has Saskatchewan no Daylight Saving Time? Because Saskatchewan listened to the wise old Indian. When told the reason for daylight saving time the wise old Indian said, "Only the white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom of a blanket, and have a longer blanket." Makes sense to me.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Micah wrote:
Subject: Happy Halloween from my front yard...
Hey all, I decided to copy something I saw on the net a long time ago. At least my welding skills are still on par. Have a good one.

No way kids are coming near your place... -Orsm

du wrote:
Subject: Obama sign
I found this sign in North Vernon, In USA. I thought you would find this Interesting.
click to enlarge
Rocket Salad wrote:
Subject: Isn't Technology amazing?
Hey Orsm, Check the date on the bottom. Cheers.
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Pedro
meet PEDRO ... ummm lost a few feathers eh ahh well after 23 years i spose the odd one would fall out eh ..EH lol and yaz know Pedro kin still manage to fly about her mums house chewing everything in sight from television power cords to walls, curtains books, paper you name it even YOU.
Mike wrote:
Subject: some fails
hilareous back forth between my new and orsmly hot gf and the ex, massive fail on the part of teh latter
click to enlarge
Duncan wrote:
Subject: Toilet Sign
A toilet inside a restaurant in Vietnam, the sign is blown up in the second picture. Love your site.
click to enlarge

OneMan wrote:
Subject: Anyone for spare ribs
Biggest pig I've ever seen...

Nom nom nom. -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: hello
longtime listener first time caller :D here are some pics i took on my way to work. please hide my details thanks.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fantasy Fest 08 Pictures
These pictures were taken last weekend at Key West, Florida durring Fantasy Fest 08. Sorry the quality isnt better, they were taken using an iphone. I sent 10 pictures from the day time festival. To bad the iphone doesn't have a flash because the freaks definatly came out at night.
click for gallery

Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Some girl that worked at a local bar

Hotness. -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
finally something to share, here are some pics of this slut with her bank uniform.hide my info.

Excellent breats. -Orsm

click for gallery
Mick wrote:
Subject: Man Vs. Piranha
Hi Mr Orsm. Mate sent me this Power Point movie on some poor guy who cut his hand and fell into the Amazon river - Needless to say he attracted some nasty little fishies, and never made it out. Well, he did, but minus a face.
click for gallery

BB wrote:
Subject: banned tags
Attached is a file the Oklahoma Tax Commission released of banned license plates

So many brilliant ideas. -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7am."
Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

ORSM VIDEO

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's OK when the person you're with fantasises you're someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.

AND the No. 1 reason why trick or treating is better than sex - YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

GEORGIA JONES
click for gallery

The train was quite crowded, and a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Madam, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no-one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, madam, may I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window".

RANDOM SHITE
Just... check it...

click for gallery

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor ran into Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so!? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - ain't nobody under there now!!"

ORSM VIDEO

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

GET EM OUT GIRLS!
click for gallery

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

With that Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the Forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die.

And what is the moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone...!!

TOILET RESTAURANT
click for gallery

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches; I'm starting to get feathers Down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her! She said... "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS!!!"

ORSM VIDEO


And that's me dudes. Now this:

- Check out the site archives. Check out the site archives. Check out the site archives.
- Next update will be next Thursday. I promise.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray vote McCain.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems, Happy Halloween and vote Obama! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.10.23-22.53
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. I mean it - welcome. *huggles*

Wow what a lightning fast week. Blink and you miss it. I guess that comes with not having a spare moment to get bored bit it feels like yesterday that I was sitting here putting the finishing touches to last update but alas, we're all another week older... except for everyone who died of course. Ooops for them.

So where to start? There's really so much I could crap on about its hard to pick something but as most of you scroll past my blog anyway I'm going to go with the seemingly early onset of summer. That's right... all you suckers in the northern hemisphere, who took much delight in gloating and poking fun at me while we suffered through the colder months, it's time for you to freeze your boxes off as the heat descends down upon us. No doubt I'll come to rue those words but for the moment I'm cool with warm...

Sunday was the cracker. We'd had a few warm days leading up but with a relatively toasty 35°C [95°F] it was the perfect day for a cruise so after washing the car and running around for a few hours seeing various friends and fam that's exactly what I did. Amazing what that first hot day after months of cold does - the beaches and all along the coast were packed with more bikini clad hotties than you can drool at. Happy days.

As it turned out the heat went to a few retards heads. There was a major fire in a suburb slightly inland from the coast so every available cop was called there to assist. The result was unpoliced beaches, kids getting drunk, all in brawls and even beer bottles thrown at lifesavers. Honestly how stupid do you have to be? They've fucked it for everyone now too - consumption of alcohol in those areas has been banned and Police have been granted powers to confiscate at their discretion.

Gaylight saving starts this weekend. Definitely not a fan and definitely not looking forward to six months of gayness. Think I've said it before but I don't see why we need sunlight until 9pm. Thankfully there's a referendum after it finishes and unless something in my life drastically changes over the summer months I'll be voting a big fat 'fuck your DLS'.

Moving on... I've been a little perplexed, almost fascinated, by the two obviously gay guys lined up behind me at the grocery checkout on Sat. Amongst the flowers, pretty little cakes, Febreeze and other gay things in their trolley was two bulk packs of HomeBrand toilet paper. HomeBrand, for the uninitiated, is a budget brand. Rough, single-ply, cheap. I just would have thought that gay guys would be in the market for the nice, soft 3-ply stuff, what with all the entry and exit traffic that goes on down there.

And with that... get your rubber gloves on, tissues at arm's length and prepare yourself for what is absolutely my best update ALL week. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Gurls Kissing - Play Meee - So Gross - Palin Pwnd - Madonna Porn - Dirty Slut - Going Down - Faciallll - Les-gasmic

Keeley Cutie - Bouncy Bouncy - Roxi's Spread - Fucking Idiot - Jaime Hammer - Creamed Up - Black Swallow

Brazilian Godess - End Of The Day - Wait For It - Must Be Love - Danni Ashe - Tara Bad - Space Golf - Weak Fag

BONUS: Greek Goddess - Bubble Babes - Pammy Strips - She's The Boss - Prank-tastic - Jump Around!

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
--
Guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for some Viagra. "Got a prescription?" asks the pharmacist. "Nah," says the guy "but here is a picture of my wife, will that do...?"
--
The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school. "Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal. "Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice. "Well, what seems to be the problem with him?" We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right." "I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?" "Sure. This is my father."

MEMPHIS MONROE
click for gallery

25 WAYS TO TELL IF YOU'RE A REAL MAN

1. OPENING JARS - nnng... she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. GIVING A PROPER HIP AND SHOULDER - and calling out "Fair bump, play on" as your unsuspecting mate hits the deck.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here. No, I don't need a sharpener. Do you think I can't whittle!?

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines ropes, driving, lifting and dumping your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?". "Nah... I'm used to it".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When girls have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grrr... what does it look like?

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Fuckin' oath.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING AT THE PUB LATE - and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are arsehole. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue. Brilliant. Now pass the meat pies.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - and asking "Are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "Do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, hardware stores would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how hard you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT $500 FROM THE ATM - okay, so it's for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a gangster. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike women, men get straight to the point. "Hey. G'day. Drink? Yep. Usual place? Yep. Seven? Yep. Seeya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - straight in, first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you a better driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT BEER - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Do you even know what the fuck you're doing!?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual cue that says "That's right, I'm going in there to take a huge, long man-sized dump".

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A CUNT - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "You're a good mate. I missed you while you were in hospital".

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!" Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it."

WORDS CANNOT EXPLAIN...
click for gallery

A beautiful fairy appeared, one day, to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Immigration Office. "My good man" the fairy said, "I've been told to grant you three wishes since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -PING!- he had brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go." The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in, on the water with eight bedrooms for my family. I bring them all over here."

-PING!- In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ pit, pool, in an upscale neighbourhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", the fairy said waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish, I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes and a baseball cap instead of this turban. I want white skin like the Americans."

-PING!- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-Shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back, the mansion disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where's my new house!?" The fairy said, "Tough stuff, Mac. Now you are a white American, if you want something you have to work hard, earn the money and get it yourself!"

WOULD YOU LIVE HERE...?
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
I had the folks at Gallup put a poll out today to get some rough numbers as to the quality of this week's RM. Not surprisingly the results were excellent, scoring 12 out of a possible 10. Submissions by you bastards have just been that good. I haven't felt this satisfied since snapping one off this morning.

And for everyone that hasn't taken the time to share something with your fellow Orsm-er's then hang your pathetic heads in shame. You suck so much that I had to spread rumours about you giving head to homeless guys because you enjoy it. It is however possible to atone for your sins by rapidly firing emails my way. Simply fill my inbox with whatever you've got lying around - could be jokes, stupid videos, Ex pics, an RS submission... absolutely anything you can strap to an email and I'll forgive you. It's as easy as clicking here and making the magic happen.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Why you shouldn't befriend work managers on facebook
Hi Orsm, Gotta love this... Apparently this is real... Thought you might like to share this with your other devoted fans. Keep up the good work. Please withhold ID. Thanks.

How can people be so dum...?

click to watch video

greg wrote:
Subject: snack pack ad....
The rider in pink is actually Nicole Kidman on her lunchbreak whilst filming BMX Bandits........

Which is of course one of the greatest movies of all time... -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: just a little correction
well not really, it was actuallly a natural gas pipeline in Virginia, near appamottox. the pipe was 30" in diameter and it burnt down two houses. small differences, i know, but new south wales and virgina are not near each other. and LNG is heavier than air, natural gas is lighter than air. LNG is a manfactured product, natural gas is not.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Correction to a post
Just a correction. There is no such thing as a "LNG" pipeline. LNG or Liquid Natural Gas is natural gas that has been cooled to -260 Deg F. at which point the gas turns into a liquid. LNG is stored in large insulated tanks, or transported on ships/tanker trucks and has a excellent safety record. The pictures taken are most likely a natural gas pipeline or liquids line, still one of the safest transportation methods. There are Millions of miles of pipelines in the ground that operate safely every day. Just thought I would pass the correction along.

Mark wrote:
Subject: Question/Suggestion
I am among Orsm's non-Aussie fans, calling the U.S. my home. Everything we know about Australia generally speaking is learned through second or third hand accounts. How about adding some information about the southern hemisphere from time to time that readers like myself would generally not know? Sure we can read your online news papers and e-zines but that covers only part... and edited at that! How about some real information the mainstream media won't mention? I'm not asking or suggesting you publish a novella every week but just a few interesting tidbits. For example, I was recently sent this list and I am curious if the definitions are accurate. I have no way of knowing aside from asking an Aussie if it's true, so how about helping us Aussie challenged folk? Here's the list.

Can't say I've heard all of them. That said, they all make sense and SOUND kind of Australian... -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hummer
My cousin took this photo of a hummer in Abu Dahbi or Dubai? As you can see totally covered in checkerplate. Hide my details brudda from anotha mutha!
click to enlarge
click to enlarge
KMadman wrote:
Subject: Since I started checking Orsm.net
Orsm, Been checkin your site for a few years now. Great source of entertainment every Thursday afternoon and cause for extended lunch breaks for fellow co-workers and I. I work in the oilfield here in Texas, along the coast and now up in the panhandle, amongst the little podunk towns of absolute nothingness. I have corrupted a couple bosses with your site (even one that was "wholesome christian" man). You have inadvertently, THANK YOU!!, kept me from getting ........ cant even bring myself to say the word.... but it starts with 'm'.... you know.... that ultimate commitment thing between man and woman. Your work is greatly appreciated!!! Keep it up. Oh and included is a pic of a overbearing and clingy ex's firm tits, probably the only good feature of her.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Another Singapore Special
Walking along Orchard Rd in Singapore a few weeks back, see this gem! New meaning to desalination plant?? No names please :)

click to enlarge
gary wrote:
Subject: a somewhat friend.... real funny pic/story
this is what happens when riley goes home.... takes too much g...... deadbolts the inside lock...... buys a porn on cable...... halfway strips to jackoff in the livingroom.... passes out with cock in hand.... forgets his roomate is bringing people over and will kickin door if not opened..... has pics taken.... is arrested nude and barely responsive but combative to paramedics and cops. then has this blasted all over the internet.....
click to enlarge
Alex wrote:
Subject: Kilmore, race 3, take a quinella with numbers 11 and 12
For those of you heading out to the Spring Racing Carnival - keep an eye out for these two horses. It's a dead cert.
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic
its a pic of superhottie ania, shes polish and shes 18, enjoy. dont publish my info please

10/10. Matter of fact she wins the prize this week... a date with yours truly. Lucky girl! -Orsm

click to enlarge
cunnox wrote:
Subject: Whale watch
got this email from alistar at lihir gold mine. Washed up on the beech near the mine. Ring the japs quick, before it goes off.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
hide my info

Boobs make me smile. -Orsm

click for gallery

OneManEmpire wrote:
Subject: Thief Vs Pit-bull
Hi ORSM this one is not for the squeemish... Thief Vs Pit-bull.

Poor puppy... -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: hello!
I found those picture in a internet point.. you are the best person I can send to! Enjoy with the rest of world in this amazing website:) please hide contact :)
click for gallery
xitz wrote:
Subject: U.S. Coast Guard 47-ft Motor Life Boat 12/04/07 Morro Bay !!
Hi Otrsm, this is fairly big but thought it may interest you. Large storm swells reached Morro Bay California on December 4, 2007, bringing 15-20 foot swells with some plus sets. A U.S. Coast Guard 47-foot Motor Life Boat was out for practice maneuvers in the large surf, which is not unusual. However, a large wave hit that was probably more than they bargained for...at least it's the hardest I've ever seen them get hit. The air was filled with mist, and they were quite distant, so at times were just a shadow in the mist. I've adjusted them for better visibility, however the quality of the photos is not the greatest due to the above conditions, and futile attempts to keep the lens dry.
click for gallery

OneManEmpire wrote:
Subject: Loose
Now this is Nasty Orsm one... Loose fitting safety harness.

Now that is fucked up. -Orsm

click to watch video
DtM wrote:
Subject: FW: PLEASE READ AND PASS ON TO OTHERS A.S.A.P.
Damn...have a read of this.....and they wonder why their country is so screwed..... They are calling obama an "enemy" as well as the mayor of chicago for wanting to ban guns.....what a bunch of retards....
click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pre-budget commentary...
Last night's pre-budget commentary on live South African National Tele! Withhold email please.

Absolute fucking classic. -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $5 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $5 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $10. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $15 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50. However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the man's absence, the assistant told the villagers "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $45 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never again saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

And THAT ladies and gentleman is how the stock market works...

ORSM VIDEO

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma had a mild stroke, couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won't let me fart."

LEWD BEHAVIOUR
click for gallery

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming Pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim...!!"

ORSM VIDEO

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

RANDOM SHITE
There's a lot of nasty, scary shit in this week's Shite. Seriously if you are even slightly weak then you may want to reconsider surfing through. Just remember - there are some things you can't forget. Consider yourselves warned... but also consider that I may just be hamming it up for effect. Check it...

click for gallery

"I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I want to be President!"

Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there. So then I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

MONTREAL BOTANICAL
click for gallery

Dave goes on a date with a girl named Betty. They have a meal and a few drinks and Dave is thrilled when Betty asks him back to her place to fool around.

Once there she sits on the couch and spreads her legs and says "Stick a finger in me". Dave does as he is told and Betty says "Now stick the other three inside me". Dave tries to remain calm as he sticks the fingers inside her but almost cums in his pants when Betty says "Put your whole hand in".

Dave is amazed as his hand slips in, but Betty freaks him by saying "Put your other hand in!"

Dave slips his other hand in and Betty says "Now CLAP!". Dave tries but can't move his hands apart. "I can't do it..." he says. Betty looks at him, smiles and says "Pretty tight, eh?"

ORSM VIDEO


Il tempo di dire addio. Ma prima di fare...

- Check out the site archives. One way or another we both know you're going to... you may as well just get it over with.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Although I'm starting to think it's time for a change... different day or something. Thoughts?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will give you an absolutely killer handjob... and stop before you cum.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the sun. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.10.16-23.17
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. I blue myself.

I stumbled across this the other day. Eighties awesomeness.

Oh to be an Australian pensioner or parent. The gravy train has landed with huge handouts for doing absolutely nothing, all in the name of stimulating the economy in this time of financial doom and gloom. Don't get me wrong - I'm all for people who legitimately need help getting it but if you are one of the silly bastards in the workforce, actually contributing, then -please- work harder and pay more tax - families receiving Family Tax Benefit A desperately need new plasma TV's and PlayStations and are counting on you!

This is a world gone mad. Maybe I have a blinkered view. I'm not married, have no dependants. It's probably safe to say I don't understand the costs involved in raising kids but seeing a mother of four on the news yesterday saying that the $4000 handout she'd be receiving from the government just in time for Christmas would all be spent on presents made my blood boil.

My average work week is over 65 hours and as selfish and uninformed as this no doubt makes me sound I think that $4000 would have been better [read: more considerably] spent coming back to people who coughed it up in the first place. I'd be more than happy to pump it back into the economy too! God knows my car desperately needs a set of 22in alloys more than some little runt needs Guitar Hero...

Moving on... funny how all it takes is one mildly warm day to remind me what sucks about summer. Flies. I'm yet to figure out what they do during the colder months but as soon as the sun sticks its big fat head out the little fuckers emerge from where ever that is and descend en masse towards me. Do I really stink that bad...?

They're not alone either - spiders have made a concerted effort over the last few weeks to spin webs all over the joint. Looks a bit like Spiderman ejaculated out there. I don't like spiders. We just don't get along. Something I'm pretty sure stems from a recurring childhood nightmare where literally everything is covered in spiders and bugs and crawly things kind of like that cave scene in Indiana Jones except I'm crying and screaming and can't get away. Anyway my point is if you want to see a grown wince like a little girl at the first sign of eight legs then come on over.

Pest control is the obvious solution but holy shit those it's expensive. I used to have a guy who would spray the whole house for $100 but he's quit and moved away. Can't imagine why - bug genocide seems like it would be a rewarding job. So out come the Yellow Pages and I let my fingers do the walking. $300... $250... $275. Ouch. Good money in killing bugs apparently. Think I'll just stick to Mortein... or at least until I have kids and get my government handout...

Okay decision time... I can squeeze a couple more paragraphs of useless shit in here OR just shut the fuck up and get on with the update. What do you guys reckon...?

Update it is! Now before we get cracking I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you all about the wonderful, wholesome update awaiting your perusal. Ready? It's really fab. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Nawtie Teen - Totally Rad - Nips Out - Skate & Die - Britney Nude - Heads! - Sexiest Singers - Ooops! - Lez Action

Got Butch? - Inappropriate - Nudie Wash - Kanga-cunt - Keeley Hazell - So Owned - Making Out - Homemade Fuck

Absolutely Fabiola - Aussie Hottie - Holly Good - Fast Ball - Wow Gisele - Thrashed - Cranky Pants - Pee Pee

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in a farmer's garden."I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato" said the boy to the farmer, pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes, I'll give you that one for two cents." replied the farmer. "Ok," said the small boy, sealing the deal by placing his coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
--
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

MICAH MOORE
click for gallery

WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY...

Because I'm a man... when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man... when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

Because I'm a man... when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man... I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man... when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man... I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man... I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone.  Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man... there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, food, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man... I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay! I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man... you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man... I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it - looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man... I expect to be left alone on Thursday's and Fridays so I can check the new Orsm update. This is non-negotiable. If you don't like it then we can break up.

Because I'm a man... and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:   "Can we have sex?" No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says   "I can tell you how to have sex with her!" "Yeah", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God!"

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the  next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, "I have ordained it. You must have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha!" he cries. "I am the hippy!" "Ha-ha!" cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver."

CREEPY PLAYGROUNDS
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you would like to contribute to the social snapshot that is Orsm Reader Mail thus being immortalised for all eternity then here is where you click. I get all giddy everytime Outlook chimes upon reciept of new mail so PLEASE, drop what you're doing, navigate your way to the Contact page and send me your shit! I'll love you forever and may even leave a little something for you in my will...

Jackhammer wrote:
Subject: since i've started reading ORSM...
Dear Orsm, LONG time reader, first e-mail and all that Jazz. I can't even remember how long I've been reading orsm, not quite its beggining but pretty close to it. and since then, you have got me through many a boring college classes. I'd sit in the back of the class, surf ORSM while the guy next to me slept. I'd use random pics from around the site as desktop backgrounds for as many of the computers in the class as I could. So, with you keeping me from dying from boredom, i graduated college and I'm a radio DJ. Again, ORSM has got me through very many a boring nights at the different stations I've worked at.

Since I've started writing Orsm... come on dudes...? More! -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
I found the response to last weeks Random Shite, Craigslist ad. Here is the response...

Every story has to sides. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Loz wrote:
Subject: Maths Quiz
Maths Quiz - How do you divide USD$150,843.57 into two equal parts? Answer is attached.......

That will absolutely buff right out. -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Intersting search
Late one night drunk joking about the iphone and it's capabilities and my friend asks me "can it find us some women?". I ran a search for some pussy in the nation's capital and what do u know. I got a big hit. Check out the screen shot.
click to enlarge
Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: job offer
Crane operator needed
click to enlarge

Dave D wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail Pic!
Hi Orsm, Gotta say that this site is the bees knees of all random and funny shit sites out there, not to mention the great collection of tits and arse! With that said I figured I'd send this pic of a great deal I was driving past the other night. On closer inspection someone had tampered with the sign but I thought it was pretty funny to say the least....

What a rip. Much rather a two hour workout in just five minutes. -Orsm

click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Cabinet Comparisons..
Italy's New Cabinet Line-up! And meanwhile.......... Back in New Zealand ! What did we do to deserve this?

I'm sure I'm not the first person to say it but... her teeth freak me out. -Orsm

Tomas wrote:
Subject: Crash
Truck Crash

Ooops. -Orsm

click for gallery

Zach wrote:
Subject: Ex-girl pics
Hey orsm, love the site. Here are some pics of my whore ex, enjoy. (Don't post info please)

Hotness. -Orsm

click for gallery
AL G wrote:
Subject: wtf
Helloooooooooo  ORSM,  another wonderful day in the Pacific N.W. of U.S. Washington state.....SAW THIS AND THOT wtf......... well takes all kinds to make a world........KEEP IT UP............
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Piccies
Some piccies of my ex bitch...damn good fuck tho ...share them......... Plse keep details anon

And you broke up with her because...? -Orsm

click for gallery
Michael wrote:
Subject: Sarah lookalike contest!
As you know, 'Sarah Mania' has sparked something of a sudden copy cat revolution with her popularity among many fine American woman recently, with the exception perhaps of the NAULW (Nat. Assoc. of Ugly Liberal Women). Hey, take it from me, she's pretty popular with the guys too!. Word has it, the optical outlets are now running very short of those rectangular glasses she normally sports. Here are just a very few of the envious ladies who are forwarding photos to try to convince us that they too, can look a lot like this very cool lady.
click for gallery
Stooglier wrote:
Subject: Bet this made a bit of a bang! LNG pipeline explosion in NSW.
The moral is - never buy or build a house anywhere near a main gas pipeline and never let them build a pipeline through your yard or home paddock.
click for gallery
Mike wrote:
Subject: Flying fish...
You may have heard about the Asian carp that have invaded the Mississippi and Missouri rivers. The attached move was taken by our surveyors on the Mississippi river near St. Louis last week. Our company does hydrographic surveys of channel bottoms for various clients. They lower a sounding unit into the water that really drives the fish crazy. The movie is a view off the stern of the boat. The 'thunks' you hear in the earlier portions of the movie are fish hitting the sides of the boat - or leaping over the 4' mesh fencing they tie around it to help keep them out. These things can reach up to 20 pounds, and a few of our employees have been hit by them. Nobody has been knocked out of the boat - yet.
click to watch video

Stuart wrote:
Subject: Kids love toys
Give your young boy something to play with when out at a party function.

My first thought was 'Oh that's terrible'. My second thought was 'Sucked in, retard!'... -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

ORSM VIDEO

THE YEAR 1900
What a difference a century makes! This will boggle your mind. Here are some of the US statistics for 1908:

The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.
Only 14% of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8%of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year. A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year. A mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95% of all births in the US took place at home.
90% of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as 'substandard'.
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza. 2. Tuberculosis. 3. Diarrhoea. 4. Heart disease. 5. Stroke.
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
18% of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.

HOLY HEATHER CAROLIN
click for gallery

THIS IS RANDOM SHITE
"LOL OMG LMAO GTFO ROFLCOPTER WTF LOLLERSKATES FUXAKE ZOMG PWND" are some of the many internet slang words and abbreviations that kids on MySpace use... and also describe today's RS. Excited? You should be... RS goes extra fat again this week. Check it...

click for gallery

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say "1-2-3." When you do that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say "1-2-3-4," the shaman responded."But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

"And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition."

ORSM VIDEO

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No." "Well, DON'T! 'Cause I'm in Perth!"

NO HOLDS BARRED
click for gallery

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

The couple left the gynaecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant and they would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them.

"I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."

Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed, "This is the answer to our prayers!"

Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone.

"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. He answered, "That was... the Clone Arranger."

WEIRD... JUST PLAIN WEIRD...
click for gallery

STOCK MARKET TERMS - UPDATED FOR 2008

CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use.

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

Well here we are at the end of update 42 for the year. That's fucking crazy I tell you! It does also mean there's only 9 more until Christmas AND holidays. Wooooo...

- Check out the site archives. They're so big that the Presidential candidates made campaign stops there.
- Next update will be next Thursday. True dat.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will rub his dick on your pillow... randomly once a week... for a VERY long time.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't drive angry. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.10.09-22.57
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. What if the 'HOKEY POKEY' really IS what it's ALL about?

Hi there. How goes it boys, girls, women and small children? Glad to hear it. Me... I've been having a fucking great week. The last couple of months have been all over the place like a mad woman's shit so to have things go my way for once is a nice change. Believe it or not the collapsing Aussie dollar suits me just fine and for the first time photographs I shot were printed in a magazine. Okay so what if it's a magazine no-one has ever heard of, it's still a buzz.

I think I may be coming down with something though. I'm tired, have to fight nodding off and there's an annoying headache coming and going. All I can say is thank God for the assortment of taurine and caffeine infused energy drinks that have single-handedly dragged me through the day...

Moving on... I download the 'Love Calculator' iPhone app last week. It was free, I was bored, so don't judge. Anyway you enter two names and it spits out compatibility as a percentage. After a few minutes of typing in my name followed by various others I tried Me/Cock. And what do you think the result was? 100%. Aaand there's not really much more I can say about that.

Let's do a weekend wrap shall we? Feels like it's been an entire week since I last did that...

Saturday started unnecessarily early. Matter of fact any Saturday that starts before 11am is unnecessarily early. The reason for this insanity was a result of not being able to say no when called upon to help friends move house. It's now I realise that receiving favours means returning them. That swallowed pretty much all of the day and wiped me out for that night too. Pretty gay.

Woke up sore Sunday... apparently a side effect of using muscles that one wouldn't normally use day to day tapping away at the keyboard or clicking a mouse. I'm not taking this to mean I'm unfit... just that I don't like moving furniture.

We had plans to go for a cruise that day so I got cracking and gave the car a wash. Two hours later my baby looked sextacular so I jumped on the phone to get the boys organised... all of which were either asleep or had forgotten they had other plans. Fuckers. Not wanting to waste a clean car I ended up going solo which admittedly isn't as much fun when you don't have anyone to make "You'd slam her like a fridge door" comments to.

I got home a few hours later to launch another assault on the weeds beginning to emerge with this new season. If there's one thing I've learnt over the last few years is that getting to them before they get to you. This is achieved by spraying copious quantities of chemicals around the place and saves a whole lot of heartache over summer. That and I really do enjoy seeing them slowly die.

Alright enough pointless babble. I struggled to get this far and with the Redbull wearing off, the incessant head pounding and encroaching tiredness numbing my extremities, I can't be completely sure everything that's come out has even making sense. SO... check it...

Gorgeous Girls who just want a One Night Stand. Sign up today and connect with millions of adults looking for sex. Find a date in your local area right now at SexSeach. Browse millions of adult online profiles and gain access to premium member services. Featured on Howard Stern, SexSearch is the most growing online adult dating communities in the world. With many different membership options to choice from, FREE to Paid Memberships, SexSearch is your place to find someone near you to share some intimate time with right now. Sign up for a FREE Membership today!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Boob Hero - Game Mania - Swearing Bee - Holy Shit!! - Most Wanted - Tasty Blonde - Posh Spice - She Squirts

Webcam Hottie - Hilarity Ensues - Bar Babes - Skin Deep - Wet T-shirt - Sociopath - Jessica Biel - Ghetto Bitches

Luscious Luna - Ouchies!! - Flaming Fuck - Farmer's Daughter - Loh-cans - Rack Attack - Pure Dee - Dirt Cheap

When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon. She shook her finger at me, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!" "Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this."
--
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.  "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
--
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location. She responds "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean!"

AUDREY BITONI
click for gallery

TO THE OVER 30 CROWD...
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up, what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways... in pouring rain... yadda, yadda blah, blah, blah...

I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Pen Pals – remember them? Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

Want to see boobs? Google wasn't even thought of so the best you could hope for was swapping old Playboy magazines with your friend who stole them from his dad.

There were no MP3's or iTunes! If you wanted music, you had to catch a bus to the damn record store and buy it yourself! Our equivalent to Napster and Limewire was waiting around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, boss, drug dealer, collections agent, you just didn't know! You had to pick it up and take your chances!

We didn't have any Playstation's or Xbox's with high-resolution 3D graphics! We had the Atari 2600 and Commodore 64! With games Like 'Space Invaders' and 'Double Dragon'. Your guy was a little clunky bunch of pixels! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there was no online multiplayer stuff either. It was just you and your brother and a couple of joysticks that hardly worked.

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! If you missed it – too bad. It wasn't coming to DVD and there was no downloading from Bit Torrent the next day.

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel. There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards, The over 30 Crowd.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BABE GET FUCKED LIKE A WORLD CHAMP! -

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, "Well sir, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent." We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved."

"He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running a country."

"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a fucking truck hit us."

COME FLY WITH ME... I DARE YA!
click for gallery

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?" "The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

YUNAK CAPPADOCIA, TURKEY
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Pretty insane week for email. Ask and ye shall receive. Not that I'm complaining of course but asking you guys to pound my inbox like you would a seasoned hooker has severe time consuming effects. This then arrives us at 'what else would you do on a Wednesday, you dick?' and the answer is unquestionably 'nothing' as I have no life beyond serving you, the Orsm readership.

Anyway if you would like to contribute to the eclectic collage that is Orsm Reader Mail then here is where to click. We're mad as fuck for just about anything you can affix to an email and send down the internets so stop wasting time and send me your shit!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Since I started reading
I've emailed you before, but I date back to the Orsm.ii.net days. In the time I caught up with you I've: Fallen in and out of love with Frostylips. Survived two stints in psychological observation, graduated high school, dropped 30 pounds, gained 50 pounds, graduated college, started and ended a professional wrestling career, started and ended a television news career, met, proposed to, and married my wife, moved from WV to Los Angeles, got into USC's screenwriting grad school, and lost my virginity.I blame you. All the best.

Anyone else care to contribute their 'since I started reading Orsm' life story? Email me! -Orsm

Alex wrote:
Subject: A Humble Hawthorn Thank You
This is to thank all those selfless contributors to Hawthorn's premiership success that didn't get a mention in the acceptance speeches. [Read More]

xitz wrote:
Subject: Santorini mermaid
Hi Orsm. It's me again... I was laying on the beach at Santorini Island just two weeks ago when this Barbie walked up the beach, she immediately caught my attention because of her pink plastic high heels ???

Double D's and you noticed her shoes...? Something you're not telling us mate...? -Orsm

click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Tim wrote:
Subject: Why I will never trust an internal hard drive again
The result of the power-supply sparking out and frying all the boards in the computer. External drives only last 12-18 months if you have them on all the time. Most of my files (photos) are distributed across hundreds of CDs amongst different people. Need to get another 1TB drive soonish and maybe a spare 500Gb as they are cheap and I can back up all my photos.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Check this out
Hi ORSM. Great site BTW ............... check this pic out ............................. taken in Burgess Hill, West Sussex, UK in a supermarket car park!! .............. bloody pissed myself with laughter!! The small lettering reads 'My job is'
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Dubs wrote:
Subject: Lucky
Taken the other night in Patong Phuket. Lucky the dog - What he is or just his name?

I have a similar birthmark on my back that says 'massive cock'. -Orsm

Tony wrote:
Subject: Odd advert
A bit worrying she's looking for an intimate encounter with a man who loves kids. Reckon the tabloids here in the UK would have a field day with her.
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Andre wrote:
Subject: New Mitsubishi Lancer EVO X Highway patrol Car
Hi Orsm. Spotted this at Albert Park VIC on Monday, New Mitsubishi Lancer EVO X Highway patrol Car. First in Australia, probably the world...!! (PS please don't disclose my email)
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sarah Palin Uncropped pic.
Here is the picture that the Republicans did not want anyone to see.. The Full uncut version that the vetting team missed..
click to enlarge

Mike wrote:
Subject: boys also have wet dreams
Hi, This is a pic of a buddy of mine after a session of heavy drinking the night before : )) Cheers

click to enlarge
Greg wrote:
Subject: 250t Liebherr Accident
Incident: Friday Morning 26/09/08 - Castle Hill/Sydney. 9 Day Old 250t Leibherr Crane (never used before). $4mill price tag. Failure of back propping beneath the 200mm thick concrete deck. Crane support outrigger punches through slab causing crane to lose balance and collapse across the site and onto adjoining property. Crane balanced in the air for approx 1 hour before entire rig & boom collapse completely across site and rigs falls through to the basement level.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bowling Party
We have a big event every year for friends and customers. Previously it has been golf. The thing was a huge hassle. I have sent you pictures the last couple years. Anyway, we switched over to bowling. It was a riot. A few pictures attached. I am going to start a bowling league.
click for gallery
Lee wrote:
Subject: catalano's blunder
Mr Webmaster, thought you should see this. Amateurs, All companies have em. Pic's were at Madiavale Rd overpass on Roe highway about 3pm 3/10/08. Cheers.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of my slut ex
Hey Mr. Orsm. Thought you might like a few pics of a slut that worked at a local bar. Here are some of them, if you get good respones and post them up I'll send better ones later. Keep my details private.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
some pics of my ex's

Hotness. -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: German Electronic Music Techno Party
Hey Mr. Orsm, have you ever seen such nice people ? It's a kind of gothic style and darkelectro music event called "night of the machines" here in germany... the kind of music they're playing there (if you're interested) you can see it on youtube.com. They have bandnames like Suicid Commando, In Strict Confidence, Schallfaktor, Covenant, VNV Nation, And One, Combichrist, Feindflug, Reaper, Hocico and so on... very hard electronic stuff ;o) Very strange music for some ears i think ;o)
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hot Chick Update
Mr. Orsm, It's me, Mr. Hankey Shit guy from Xmas 2006. Thought I'd send you an update on my girl Kat, the aspiring Teacher (Jan 07 and Nov 07). She sent me these to remind me of how lucky I am, and I thought it would be criminal of me not to share them with the world. Still lovin your site... (as always, no info please)
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: emailing
Orsm, Drunk lesbo chicks rock!! Plz don't display name and contact. Your great fan.

click for gallery

SavannahDragon wrote:
Subject: (no subject)
Email

This is all starting to scare me. -Orsm

click for gallery
BT wrote:
Subject: lamborghini murcielago - some guys have all the luck
I walked out a bar in St Louis and see this new hot car. I'm thinking what a lucky guy. One minute later I see this smoking hot chick come out and jump in the car. I could not get my phone out of my pocket fast enough to get a good shot. You will see in the picture that the car was not the only thing with nice wheels! I wish I had a better shot of the girl. I wish this guy was a good friend with that kind of hardware hanging around. Love your site!
click for gallery
Mark wrote:
Subject: Only In South Africa
Hi ya, Been a fan of yours for a number of years now and get withdrawal symptoms if I'm away for a week or so. Anyway here's some more Only In South Africa for you all.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Skanky ex gf vid
Hey Mr Orsm. Here's a nice skanky vid of an ex gf from a few years back giving herself a big shakin cum. She was 19 at the time and sure knew how to bring herself off - never minded me watching. Of course I had to fuck her after that. She never let a razor near her hairy pussy, which was just fine by me. I like them natural. I hope you enjoy it.
click to watch video

Stuart wrote:
Subject: Airbus A380 'Vus' Certification.
Most non-pilots have never seen this test. During the takeoff roll the pilot rotates the aircraft nose up well below normal V1 rotation speed. The aircraft is not ready to fly so at the high angle of attack the tail hits the runway and drags along until the aircraft obtains sufficient speed to fly itself off the ground. The tail strike is a required certification test where the pilot hits the tail of the aircraft on the runway on purpose and then flies it off the runway showing that it can fly off after the runway scrape. Most aircraft have an oak skid placed on the tail where it is going to hit to minimize any damage to the tail. Two things to notice: 1. Just how big this aircraft is!!!! 2. As the aircraft rotates and you can see the elevators, the engine thrust
is bouncing off the runway causing the elevators to flap up and down.

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

ORSM VIDEO

A young boy enters a barber shop and the Barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you."

The Barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the Barber.  "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son!  May I ask you a question?  Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

HOLLY MORGAN
click for gallery

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes: Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!

The engaged woman giggled and said, “That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date! 

The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, “Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?“

ORSM VIDEO

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

RANDOM SHITE
RS got a whole lot bigger this week. Why? Because my default mode is 'great guy' and I like to make you fuckers happy. Although I know it probably won't I'll still go to sleep tonight knowing that I am... a great guy. So I guess if you think about it me doing something for you guys is really me doing something for myself which therefore makes it a completely selfish act. Hmmm. Check it...

click for gallery

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!"

PAINT THE WALLS
click for gallery

Following the problems in the financial markets around the US and Europe, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

Yibbida Yibbida... that's all folks! Except for the outro that is...

- Check out the site archives. There's over eight years of updates substantially better than this one.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I get that better offer I've been waiting for... anyone? Yes this is a cry for help.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get you with the old barbed wire and hose trick. Basically he'll drug you, wait until you pass out, insert the hose into your anus, slide the barbed wire up the hose, and then gently remove the hose leaving the wire dangling from inside you. Good luck getting the fucker out without causing maximum damage.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to focus too much on what people say about you behind you back. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.10.02-23.30
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. You're only as ugly as we think you are...

Well hello there... how you doing? Everyone feeling upbeat, happy and cautiously pessimistic about the fate of the world? Don't know about you guys but all this doom and gloom economic stuff that's going on is really starting to bug me. Not so much that I'm terrified I won't be able to afford a high-speed internet connection and therefore be able to download pornography... I just can't be bothered listening to commentators authoritively crap on about the if's and maybe's anymore. They don't know whats going to happen, they don't know what's coming so I wish they'd all just shut the fuck up and go back to fingering each other's assholes.

I've been trying to remember the last time I had a day off - a whole day that didn't involve a computer, or at least not by necessity. Sadly, nay pathetically, it's been over a month. The motherfucking issues that have plagued me over the last few weeks culminated in another untimely thud last Friday and went on to swallow most of the long weekend.

The idea was to format and reinstall Windows... something I'd not had a chance to do since the big crash which forced me to miss the update a couple of weeks back. Remember? Anyway just as I started backing up files the fucker crashed. Of course it did - when else would it crash right? Literally just two files that I can't live without, trapped and seemingly unrecoverable. It took the rest of the day and night to work out how to get them back - ended up adding a new hard drive, installed Windows and slaved the original drive to grab the files. Truly ingenious. No wonder Willy G [Bill Gates as you may know him] keeps calling to offer me a job.

It was at this point I decided enough is enough. Time to rebuild the thing so off I went Saturday morning to buy a new mainboard and videocard. Construction started late afternoon and within an hour had it all together and ready to install Windows... so we did... and crash. Every attempt... crash.

This tale could honestly go on for more paragraphs than I can be bothered reliving but in the end it turned out to be faulty RAM causing the issues and incidentally the only thing I didn't replace in the rebuild. Now everything is all good... a new computer which is twice as fast, doesn't crash and a delight to use. For the record - failed parts on the last computer were hard drive, mainboard and memory. In other words it would seem that a power spike is probably what caused all this!

Moving on... everyone watch the AFL Grand Final on Saturday? The whole finals series was kind of a non-event for most West Aussies this year. Why? Because our two teams failed to even come close. We did however do the family thing and get together for the GF - all of us supporting Hawthorn knowing they didn't stand a chance against reigning premieres Geelong. But oh how wrong we were... and oh what an awesome game of football.

Okay let's get on with the update. It's not as if anyone is reading my blog so there isn't much point prolonging the senseless drivel. That said, this week's update is another ball-tearer. I could go into reasons why but once again as no one is reading this there doesn't seem to be much point. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Nude Aerobatics - Good Game - Epic Fail - Redneck Idiot - The LOL Track - Lohan Nude - Lovely Lacey - Hula Freaks

Perfecto Boobs - Bounce 'Em - Cam Babe - Great Bum - Beat Down - Winnie Hotness - Black Lezzies - Crazy Fuck

Aussie Hottie - Pyrotechnic Pimped - Almost So Close - Never Give Up - Cow Woman - Good Vibes - Paris Exposed

Forty Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates in their old Kingswood's and Tarago's. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. "I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?" God says "We are over Aboriginal quota for the month. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in." Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. "They've gone", he tells God. "What?" says God, "All 40 of them?" "No... the frigging gates!"
--
Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin. Four hours later I saw the same four men, carrying the same coffin. Thought to myself, they've lost the fuckin' plot!
--
The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
--
A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have. He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse." One student shouted out, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

PUMA SWEDE
click for gallery

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.  The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you a fucking maniac?"

She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once." and from that moment... we have lived happily ever after." 

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an entrance exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."

"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?" "Just three questions" said St Peter. "Which are?" asked the blonde.

"The first," said St Peter, "is which two days of the week start with the letter T? the second is How many seconds are there in a year? And the third is What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?

"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me." So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have." "Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?" The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow." St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, "How many seconds in a year?" The Blonde replied, "Twelve". "Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?". "Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds".

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer." "Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?" "It's Andy.". "Andy??". "Yes, Andy," said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"  "Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled."

And the blonde entered Heaven...

SO TOTALLY SPRUNG
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can strap to an email and fire my way down the internets. Make the magic happen by clicking here.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Since I've started reading Orsm..
G'day mate, I just finished reading another kick-ass update, and got to thinking about all the shit I've done since I started reading your website. I don't remember when I first stumbled across orsm, but your oldest archive dates back to Sep 2000. Eight things I've been through with Orsm in the last eight years:

getting engaged.. and unengaged. being pulled over around a couple dozen times, 4 tickets, 1 arrest. riding my Harley across the country (USA) and back. meeting the girl I intend to marry. living seven different places in three different states. starting and selling a publishing company. getting kicked out of Canada. surviving (just a few months to go) the worst fucking president, ever.

There's more, but you don't want my whole life story. Might be kinda cool to have your fans send in their own lists, and we'd love to read yours as well.

Love emails like this. I crap on every week mostly oblivious to any of you guys who surf the site and your lives. Anyone else want to tell me their 'since I started reading Orsm' life story email me. -Orsm

greg wrote:
Subject: surely not
One thing I'd like to point out about this clip is the flourescent high visibility vests and hat (presumably so that natural selection has a slightly more difficult path to tread) worn OVER THE TOP of the camouflage gear of the "hunters"....... Fucking Seppos!!!

What I want to know is do people really eat Squirrels...? -Orsm

Daniel wrote:
Subject: The silver car in 9-25-08 update
First off I love your website keep up the great work. Secondly the car that someone sent you a picture of that had been spoted in monaco is a Veritas RSIII.

Mickey wrote:
Subject: My Girlfriend
Hey Orsm! Just a pic of my Girlfriends beautiful breasts (tough job you've got). Hopefully your support will encourage her to provide a few more for next time!!

Win. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Dale wrote:
Subject: Michael Tuck wikipedia
G'day mate, thought you might find this amusing - and topical given the Hawks are in the GF this weekend.
click to enlarge

V wrote:
Subject: POLAR BEAR ATTACK
Here are photos of a polar bear attack on a man caught in the open! These pictures were taken in Alaska while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack. One person captured the terrifying scene using a telephoto lens. Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim should make a full recovery. This is not for the squeamish, so be warned....

click to enlarge
Mario wrote:
Subject: pic for you
Hey how you goin Mr.ORSM, long time viewer, first time poster...bla bla... I just got back from my Eurotrip, and took this picture in Split, Croatia. I love the irony in it. Thanks mate
click to enlarge

Wes wrote:
Subject: Hidden
Americas 'favorite' poisonous critter... This was sent to me by our chief of police: CAN YOU SPOT THE COPPERHEAD? Be carefull out there.

Little mother FUCKER. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Nick wrote:
Subject: You think you had server problems
How to explain a major bloody drama in our server room.....

Ooops. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Contribution for your site....
Hi orsm, love your site... keep my info hidden plz...

Boobs make me smile. -Orsm

click to enlarge
PAUL G wrote:
Subject: The Guolizhuang Restaurant in Beijing. Who's hungry?
IF ANY OF YOU ARE PLANNING TO VISIT BEIJING IN THE NEAR FUTURE PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT GO TO THIS RESTAURANT. IT MAY BE VERY FAMOUS BUT I DON'T THINK ANY OF US WOULD LIKE TO TRY THEIR DELICACIES.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: gf pics
Here are a couple pictures of my of my girlfriends great ass don't show my information thanks

I don't want to sound greedy but boobs? Vajoo? -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: How to make a Deer Stand
Start with a small to medium size camping trailer. Pull it out to a likely looking area. Jam some poles in the ground. Use a couple of tractors with loaders. Raise it WAY UP (and fasten it!). Drink a beer or two and step back to admire your work. Build a deck (so you'll have a place to sit outside and drink another beer. Build some nice stairs so you don't have to go down a ladder while inebriated. Practice shooting deer with a piece of lumber. Can't live on beer alone. Don't burn down the deck though.
click for gallery
Terry wrote:
Subject: critters
Our planet Earth is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures without the need for resorting to fiction. Some are rare; some are on the verge of extinction. Here are 24 of the most peculiar creatures known to mankind.
click for gallery
Ross wrote:
Subject: kitty
One agro cat. I think this is the cross bred type they have banned from import into Aust. What Happens Next? A. Leopard-Kitty Falls into the Bath; B. Shark-Fish Jumps up and Bites Leopard-Kitty (except that its a Catfish); C. The Guy Holding the Camera Falls into the Bath; D. Leopard-Kitty Becomes Posessed, Dives into the Water, has a Massive Underwater Crash-Tackle Fight and Catches the Shark-Fish, Carries it to his Food Bowl and wants it to be Cooked. [Click thumb] for the answer...
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hurricane IKE pics
This hurricane came ashore in Texas and here are some pictures of the rain it dumped at OHare airport in Chicago Ill. Please keep all details private Thanx.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Found this in a parking lot
Greetings from the Volunteer state in the Grand ole' USA ! Long time reader, first time submitter here. Love your site etc.. etc.. Thought ya might like these pics that where on a flash drive I found in a parking lot. When will people learn that you shouldn't take nude pics and put them on removable media?? For our sakes, I hope they never do. She's definitely not a supermodel, for that matter she's not even a Wal-Mart model, but I hate to admit that I have done worse after 2am( and more than a few mugs) on a Saturday night.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pretty boy
How's it Mr orsm? Found these on a colleague's phone, enjoy! Details withheld please.

Exactly the kind of video you would hate someone to find and put on the internet... -Orsm

click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emirates
This was given to me at work here in London Heathrow by one of the Emirates staff. the guy was arrested on his return to Dubai for disgracing Emirates which is basically owned by the royal family there and word got out to the lady and she has never returned. Now thats she has no job maybe she will have more time to learn how to swallow.
click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

COMMON TOOLS DEFINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilser which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

ORSM VIDEO

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed down the long corridors. Because she and her fellow residents are all a sandwich short of a picnic, they all tolerate each other and some of the male patients actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding along one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice: "Have you got a license to drive that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am".

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

MICHELLE B
click for gallery

Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, and I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra: Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is black and blue with the skin hanging off in some places.

Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat." The pharmacist replies, "DEEP HEAT?! Are you insane? You can't put Deep Heat on your dick while it's in that condition!!" Crash says, "I know. It's for my arms - the girls didn't show up..."

RANDOM SHITE

click for gallery

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalogue and admiring the models. One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"

The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!" The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one!!" The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalogue?" The second redneck replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

Click for more awesomeness

A group of east coast Show Owners decide to get together and go on a hunting trip in Georgia to get away from mid-season stress for a few days. The arrangements are made and a few days later they are being picked up by their guide 'Bubba' and some of his cronies at the Atlanta Airport and off to the hills of Georgia they go.

Bubba decides to hold a little church call before they take off on the hunt: "Now you city boys be real careful with them thar guns and don't go shooting each other in the foot and don't shoot nothing till I tell ya all its all right and oh yea listen up real good to this here, you see them bunch of Hound dogs over there. Well you see that big "Blue Tick" hound in the front well his name is "Old Blue" leads the hounds on the hunt and he is the best hunting hound in the U.S. of A. and is priceless, but he got one BIG defect, he was borne with a real double strong sex drive and tools to match so don't be bending over in front of him or if you have take a dump in the woods you let me and the boys know so we can tie him up with a big rope... O.K. that's it come on."

About a mile up the road Old Blue and the hounds have tree'd a big raccoon, now all the group are wanting to shoot the raccoon.

"Ah let's let Old Blue have him," hollers Bubba. "What do mean by that?" all the group reply at the same time. "Well looky here I'll show ya", he grabs a long pole out of the back of his pick-up truck and knocks the raccoon out of the tree and as everybody watches in amazement Old Blue screws him to death! Well Bubba throws the coon in the back of the truck and the hunt goes on.

Right away Old Blue and the hounds tree a bobcat, again Bubba grabs the pole and shouts let Old Blue have him. Old Blue again puts on a spectacular performance and screws the bobcat to death, same thing happens with the next two critters that Old Blue and the hounds see.

By this time the group of hunters are staring in awe at Old Blue, but they are also getting a little irritated at Bubba cause they had all paid $500.00 to go on the hunt and so far hadn't fired a shot. Finally Bubba gives in, "O.K. boys the next thing they tree ya all can shoot it."

Sure enough a couple bends down the road Old Blue and the crew tree a three hundred pound black bear, "O.K. have at him boys," well the city boys not being very good shots, keep shooting and shooting and the bear keeps climbing higher up the tree, finally someone gets in a lucky shot and kills the bear but he is stuck between two tree limbs and doesn't fall to the ground.

"Dammit!" Bubba kicks the ground "Now I have climb up there and kick him loose".

Up the tree he goes well the old bear is stuck pretty good and is really heavy. Bubba gives a real hefty jerk but loses his grip on the bear. With his arms waving wildly trying to gain his balance he knows he isn't going to make it and he's ground bound, he screams "SHOOT OLD BLUE, SHOOT OLD BLUE!!!"

HILL OF CROSSES
click for gallery

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A young man asked Morris, an old wealthy man, how he made his money. Morris took off his glasses and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 during the heart of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. So I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day,
I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated the sum of $1.60".

"Then my wife's uncle Bernie carked it and left us two million dollars!"

COOL CASE MODZ
click for gallery

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sit there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word is spoken.  The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the after-shave. McCain was quick to stop him, saying "No thanks. My wife Cindy will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Obama and said, "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead.  Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

ORSM VIDEO


Holy crap is the update REALLY over already you ask? I'm afraid so people. It was a tough one this week and another where I woke up this morning thinking I had absolutely no hope in hell of finishing at a normal time. Somehow, thankfully, everything fell into place and here I am on time and hopefully in fine form [although I will let you guys be the judge of that]...

- Check out the site archives. But be careful... they are are so vast some have ventured in never to be seen again. People are now calling them the Bermuda Archives... true story.
- God willing, next update will be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray create a stock market crisis that throws the entire world into a depression.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and squeeze up... SQUEEZE UP! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


Click for more awesomeness

 

 

orsmfeatured
orsmlinkage
orsmorsmness
moreorsmness