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October 2016...
orsmupdate 2016.10.06-17.28

Welcome to the end of the beginning.

I had the week! You know the one where everything just breaks at once? THAT one. It actually started a few weeks ago when our Samsung refrigerator began freezing the fuck out of everything. I'm sure their tech support people were a little surprised a Samsung product was bunking the trend and not catching on fire. It took a bunch of phone calls and "press these 2 buttons for self-diagnostics mode" before they would send a repair guy by which point the problem had magically resolved itself. The technician must've thought I was a retard. His exact words were "We can't diagnose a problem we can't find". He would not make a good armchair psychologist.

Water... this has actually been going on for a while. Remember a little while back I mentioned a water main exploded a few doors down and they worked all night to fix it? Yes I knew you would. Ever since then our water has been randomly brown. Yeah yeah it's apparently safe to drink and the brown stuff is just stirred up sediment that's always in the pipes but who the fuck wants to drink brown water? How do we know something hasn't broken somewhere and we're drinking poop water? It now goes brown 2-3 times a week. Annoying AF.

Tuesday was when it all started to go pear shaped. Came home from some exercising and headed straight for the bathroom. Brushed my teeth and noticed that the water wasn't draining. The plug is one of those stupid press down types... and that's what I did... and that's where it stayed. So I was like "Fuck you, plug. You're not the boss of me!" and strode defiantly out to the other bathroom. Began brushing my teeth and noticed, again, that the water wasn't draining. The plug is one of those stupid press down types... and that's what I did... and that's where it stayed. I'm not sure what the odds of two different basin plugs seizing at exactly the same time are but... it must be rarer than something that is really, REALLY rare... like common sense... or skinny Americans... or funny Australians. Anyway I grabbed some tools, disassembled and found blockages of the nastiest goops ever seen. De-gooped and carried on.

Later in the day was electricity's turn. I've been electrocuted once before; way back in my factory days. There was the cocksmoker called Heath who worked there. He thought he was king shit but in reality he was just an abusive bully with inadequacy issues. Long story short, Heath behaved like an animal and was the one responsible for damaging a powerboard which I inadvertently put my finger in when trying to use it. Long, long story short, getting electrocuted fucking hurts. Anyway... I walked into the kitchen and noticed all the appliances were off. Go to the main board, flick the thingy back on but it immediately flicked back off. Over and over. Fuckerrrrr. I begin switching everything off and by process of elimination realise there's an outdoor power point full of water. No way I am touching the thing and still waiting for the electrician to show up and fix his crappy work.

Next was the laundry. I had been trying to wash a shirt I need for this weekend all day. Every time I put the washer on it would get ten minutes into the cycle, hang for another 10 or so then give an error code on the panel. It's an old washer; manual is long gone and the internet isn't much help. So I just start tinkering and eventually find a little drain thingy. Uncap it and water begins flushing out. No probs - it will just run into the nearby floor drain... which it did... but turns out that it was blocked too! Some light flooding, quite a bit of mopping and further disassembly later, I discovered a bra underwire had come loose and messed some shit up. Heroically removed the pieces, claimed victory, reminded everyone how lucky they were to have a person of my calibre living amongst them... and then noticed the washing machine was blocking up again. Lesson: in future just give it like 30 or so seconds before boasting.

It wasn't all bad though and this story thankfully has a happy ending. I was making breakfast this morning and needed Vegemite for my toast. Opened the cupboard, grabbed the Vegemite and heard a sudden *crack* as a jar of marmalade fell to its death. Suck shit marmalade - no one likes you!

The only other mentionable is our neighbour's laptop which inexplicably died and fell to me to repair. Several rounds of questioning took place because it just wasn't adding up. My expert diagnosis was ultimately that fiercely shaking a computer of any sort isn't good for it.

And that is that. Time to get on with it and I'm back with a brand new invention. Check it...

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Huuuge Balls!Courageous Pilots Fly Straight Into The Eye Of Hurricane Matthew - Killer ClownsThese Insane, Seriously Disturbing Scare Pranks Are Complete Nightmare Fuel - Classic Ali GFarmer Loses His Will To Live After An Interview With Ali G. I Have Never Seen This One Before! - Look Again!50 Completely Innocent SFW Photos That Will Conclusively Prove You Have A Dirty Mind - Twolling Wight?Satanist Girl Has Football Down To A Science - Target Porn!An Outside Caller Tricked The Operator Into Transferring Their Call To An Extension That Happened To Be For The Overhead Speakers... Then They Just Played Porn Audio Down The Line! - Awkward AsianI've Never Seen Someone So Happy To Get Gang Banged In The Mouth...But I Guess Anything Beats Being Back Home Making Soccer Balls In The Rice Fields. - OH FFS!College Student Given Failing Grade After Accidentally Referencing Porn Star - *BOOM*Landmine Defusing Goes Wrong

Boob TypesExperts Have Revealed That There Are Nine Official Types Of Breasts - Ultra SexyOlympia Valance Areola Peek On The Red Carpet - Stunning KylieBusty Blonde Kylie Page In The Shower! This Is Outstanding. She Is Outstanding! - Hipster HuneeJulia Decker Is An Instagram Model Who Gets Naked For Her Photographer Friends. Really You Don’t Even Need To Be That Hot To Make It On Insta, You Just Need To Get Naked... - Ffffffuuuck!Suicidal Man Leaves Nothing To Chance - 70's PornogThe 70's Weren't Just About HAIRY COCKS AND PUSSIES.... These Freaks Were DEVIANT As FUCK! - Wife PloughedShe Got Him A Camera For Their Anniversary. And He Filmed Her Getting Railed From Behind By A Strange Cock. - Punks FuckWhen They're Not Slam Dancing And Screaming Anarchy, These 2 Punks Like To Strip Down A Fuck Like Rabid Monkeys. - Double A

Kinky TeenKinky American Blonde Teen Is So Fucking Hot With Those Big Tits And Curvy Ass - Incredi-blowI've Never Seen A Girl Do This With Her Hair... But I'd Love To Try It! - Blasted AF!Maybe Its The Residual Radiation In The Air.....Or All The Sushi. But These Cock Explosions Would Make Godzilla Proud! - PoképornThe Only Way She'll Fuck Is If She's Dressed Like Pokemon? - Ferris SlutWhen It's Time To Cut Your Girlfriend Off... - Cuban GoddessRachel Vallori Is Naked For Some Famous Photographer You've Never Heard Of. - Fake...?Fake...? - Fitness BabeHere’s Big Boob Cara Ruby Getting Naked After A Workout! I’d Like To Give Her Another Workout In The Shower If Ya Know What I Mean!!? - Hard NipsAshley James Rock Hard Pokies While Out On A Walk - Hotttt!!Busty Blonde Wants To Get Her Boobs Bigger

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300". The husband asked "What would mine go for?" The wife replied "They were giving ones like yours away for free". The husband said "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000". "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied "That was where they were holding the auction".
I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said "At last, they're finally together". Her sister sitting in the front row said "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied "I mean her legs".
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, err, 'female juices'. "But you're balder than I am" protested the customer. "True" admitted the barber "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"


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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains at a local university. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

"Well" he said "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation".

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start".



DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs". The rancher says "Okay, but do not go in that field over there" as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me". Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull!

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge! Show him your BADGE!!"


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A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip".

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club'. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing". She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... how are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"



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The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately.

The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" He replies "Yes I do, sir". "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir". Interviewer continues "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir". The interviewer looks at the man "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her".

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.

The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes.

The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table.

The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!" to which the guy replies "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

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An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen you! I'm not that kind of woman! Got it!!"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again "Would you let me bite your breasts -just once- for $10,000?!" She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm $10,000... okay just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there".

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them!

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah" says the little old man... "too expensive!"



A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before its starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said "Quick, another beer before it starts!"

"THAT'S IT!" She blows her top "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?"

"The husband sighed "Oh shit... it's started..."


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One by one, all the senior members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the chairman's office until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the other ten directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he sat down, the chairman turned to Ted, looked him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied. "Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!" "You'd swear to that?" "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt, anytime, anywhere" insisted Ted.

"Good... then you fire her".



A couple decided to head to Alaska for a romantic weekend.

When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said "Honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said "Honey my hands are cold again". She then said "Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"



Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife paused for a moment before replying "Probably the fucking funeral director would be my guess".


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand done.

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-Check out the archives. They like when you look at them like that.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and tongue my balls, baby. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.10.06-17.28

Welcome to send in the clowns!

Less than 5 weeks until the US Election and eeeeeeevryone's a political expert. Here's an expert opinion: One asshole will win and slightly less than half the voter will be upset about it; slightly more than half will go on with their lives feeling vindicated but not really caring. Accusations that the election was rigged will begin immediately. There'll be some legal shit in the days and months after. People will talk about the loser like everything he or she said and did was better and nobler. Nothing will change and the cycle will repeat in 8 years.

Moving on. We shouted dinner recently for a stranger who was having a bad day. We were having a crappy day as well which is why we ended up together. The stranger wasn't poor or homeless, it was simply meant as a nice gesture. She was grateful and offered to pay us but we declined. Sure enough, two minutes after her fork went down she headed for the vending machines to buy not one but two drinks. "That's really nice of her" I thought as she rounded the corner towards us. But oh-no-no the drinks weren't for us at all. They were for her! Absolutely no offer to return the favour whatsoever. Now I certainly wasn't expecting anything and wouldn't have accepted it anyway but seriously, if there was ever a bigger display of no fucking class I'm yet to see it. People... you gotta love 'em.

On with whatever. Saturday was supposed to be an 'around the house' day. By that I mean the GF and kid go out to do fun stuff while I do maintenance and gardening/weeding. That particular day had been a long time coming. It was the first weekend back after holidays and spring should well and truly have arrived. Of course though it was and still is MIA. At this point it's starting to feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with winter. But its okay - winter doesn't mean to rain on me... it just gets angry sometimes. I know winter still loves me.

So I kicked off early at my local Bunnings hardware store to get a bunch of stuff and expecting the rain to fuck off. It was deserted by usual standards so we can safely assume that people a) can interpret a forecast which says 'heavy rain, strong wind and possible hail today, all day and maybe until the end of time' better than me b) are smarter than me c) had plans to watch the Grand Final instead d) all of the above.

Returning home, options from there were limited. Turned attention to cleaning down my garage workbench. It had reached peak capacity, covered with numerous unfinished junk, long ago. The not-working-and-subsequently-dismantled-waiting-for-me-learn-soldering-Chinese-piece-of-shit-RC-helicopter that was never going to fly again; the old blender I'd hung on to in the hopes of doing my own 'Will It Blend?' with creepy kids toys we've been given; half broken crockery needing a lot of gluing; dried out paint tins for stuff that needs to be painted aaaand so on... ALL that shit was joyfully smashed into the garbage. Feels god man plus now the workbench is clear for me to fill up with new crap.

The rest of the day was spent doing stuff outside in between gaps in the sky water and watching the footy final. For 99% of people on this side of the country, with the local teams not in contention, it was mostly a non-event. I hadn't even planned to watch based on that but turned out to be a great game. That night, dinner out for the second night in a row. Would gladly not have left the house either night but both events were mandatory attendance.

Sunday was hugely domesticated. We punched out a family event midmorning then spent the rest of it in the kitchen cooking up and filling the freezer. And that's about it. Dull, quiet and uneventful yet I've skilfully managed to turn it into all the words! Anyway let's get on with the rest of the update. It's seriously brilliant and will shatter all expectations. Why? Because it's a fucking Thursday that's what. Check it...

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Fuck OMGBikini Girl Learns Why You Don't Rope Swing Over Jagged Rocks- Brilliant MashUpDonald Trump Quotes Get Remixed Into A Catchy, Funky Song By Australian Musician Pogo - Mustang JerkMustang Seems To Be A Little Bit Too Much Car For This D-Bag - FishageddonFishermen Get Swarmed By A Fish Rush - Max PleasureYou Think She Enjoyed That? I Think She Enjoyed That...! - Sex RitualsThese Insane Sex Rituals Are From Actual Documentaries Which Later Inspired "Cannibal Holocaust". I Gotta Warn You, This Gets Pretty Disturbing And Then It Gets Worse... And Worse. Enjoy! - Tripping BallsWhen The Doctors Give You A Hallucinogenic Pain Reliever - Ugly FukaNewborn Baby Looks Like An 80 Year Old Man - Times 2Man Who Weighed 500 Pounds Two Years Ago Now Weighs 250 Pounds Times Two

Plus-Sized? NoThis Model Doesn't Want To Be Called "Plus Size" Anymore And We Agree - Tasty WifeyI Like The Up Against The Glass Stuff Because Pressed Boobs Are Always A Winner!! Nips Looking Just As Good As Ever!! - Natural HottieBusty Katarina Kozy Stripping And Oiling In Her Tits Before Jumping Some Rope! Bounce, Bounce, Bounce. All The Way To Heaven! - Malin ToplessMalin Akerman In Some Naked Movie Scene - "Fun" ParkI Guess It's True People Do Start Not Giving A Fuck Later In Life - Lucky GirlHe Barely Can Fit Half Of It In Her Ass! - Sex KittenYou Can't Blame The Dude... She's Smoking Hot And Needs Cum Badly... He Had No Other Choice! - Breaking ButtsNothing Screams Entertainment More Than Brutal Anal! - Goes At ItSlim Brunette Want To Become A Pornstar. She Works Hard And Well For That.

BangCOCKCorey Snapchatted His Bangkok Vacation Experience With A Ladyboy. Corey Is Now A Living Legend. - Hurt Bro?Guy Must Be In Serious Pain After Having Being Speared Through The Neck And Having It Come Out Of His Shoulder On The Other Side - Miranda KerrMiranda Kerr modelling pics from whatever swim or underwear company is that is using her. she Looks God Damn Incredi-Balls! - Blonde DykesThere Are Many Forms Of Athletic Talent... Taking Massive Objects In The Ass Is Definitely One Of Them! - Fierce OrgasmIs She Cumming Or Just Retarded? - Every PositionThis Couple Likes To Try Every Fucking Position In The Kama Sutra Book - Mums DildoNever Ask Mummy What Game She Plays With That Toy - Double BlojeTwo Beautiful Girls Go To Work On One Fat Cock. - Tinder FailMarried Guy On Tinder Gets Humiliated By Vengeful Wife!

A pastor walked outside of the church because he heard the children being loud. He sees the kids all grouped up. "What are you doing?" The children make the circle wider to show a puppy they had found. "It's a beautiful dog, who will take it home?" The pastor asks. The children look at each other until one of them speaks up. "I know! Whoever tells the biggest lie can take it home! Would you like to play pastor?" The pastor shrugs his shoulders and says "I don't know, it will be hard because I've never told a lie". The child picks the dog up and hands it to the pastor "Here you go. You win".
With the world over population, there needs to be a restriction on the people that can breed. It seems only fair that it should be done in alphabetical order... Africans, Arabs, Asians, blacks...
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does". Joanne giggled and confessed "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft". Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said "The postman". Looking puzzled Joanne asked "Why the postman?" "Because... he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box".
"Give it to me!" she yelled "I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.


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DO fish ever sneeze?
CAN sour cream go bad?
WHAT is the speed of dark?
WHY do clocks run clockwise?
WHY do doughnuts have holes?
WHAT do you call a male ladybug?
IS there another word for synonym?
WHY isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
WHY don't sheep shrink when it rains?
CAN vegetarians eat animal crackers?
WHAT do chickens think we taste like?
WHY does unscented hair spray smell?
WHY is it that rain drops but snow falls?
IF a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
WHAT... is another word for Thesaurus?
WHY is a bra singular and panties plural?
WHY do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
WHY is "abbreviated" such a long word?
IS it okay to use the AM radio after noon?
IF love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
WHY isn't there a mouse-flavoured cat food?
HOW and why do horses sleep standing up?
WHY do ketchup bottles have narrow necks?
WHY don't people snore when they're awake?
WHY isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
DO Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
WHY didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
WHAT was the best thing before sliced bread?
IS a clear conscience a sign of a bad memory?
IF you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
WHAT do people in China call their good plates?
WHAT happens to the tread that wears off tyres?
WHAT does the phrase "Now then" really mean?
HOW do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
SUPPOSE the hokey-pokey is what its all about?
WHY do psychics have to ask you for your name?
WHY doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
WHY do people like to pop bubble wrap so much?
DO crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
WHY are people immune to their own body odour?
IF you can boycott shampoo and demand real poo?
WHY do you never hear about gruntled employees?
IF ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
WHAT happens if you get scared half to death twice?
IF man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
WHY do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
IF the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
WHEN cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
WHY do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
IF all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
WHAT would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
WHY is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
IF you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
WHY does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
WHY is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
IF a book about failures doesn't sell well, is it a success?
WHEN dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
WOULD you still be hungry if you ate pasta and antipasto?
IF Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
WHY can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
HOW does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work?
WHAT would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
IF flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
IF nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?
WHY must there be five syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"
WHY don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
WHY is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
IF they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
WHY do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
IF a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
WHY are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
HAVE you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
WHEN dogs bark for hour on end, why don't they ever get hoarse?
WHAT size were hailstones before the game of golf was invented?
WHY do we say that something is out of whack? What is a whack?
IF you go to a general store, will they let you buy anything specific?
IF con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
WHAT hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
WHY do superficial paper cuts tend to hurt more than grosser cuts?
IF you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
WHY are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
THE early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
WHY is experience something you don't get until just after you need it?
IF one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest also have to drown?
WHY do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
IF we're here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
WHY is the period of the day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?
WHY are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
SHOULD we be concerned that engineers describe their work as "practice?"
HOW do they keep all the raisins in a cereal box from falling to the bottom?
IF cement was invented 7,000 years ago, why isn't the whole planet paved?
WHY do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot-dog buns 8 to a package?
WHY is the telephone key pad arranged differently than a calculator key pad?
WHY do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
IF you build an idiot-proof system, will the world create a better-quality idiot?
WHY do engineers call it research when they're searching for something new?
HOW many roads does a man need to travel down before he admits he is lost?
IF the police arrest a mime, do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
WHY do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
IF the 711 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
IF you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
IF quitters never win and winners never quit, why should you "quit while you're ahead?"
WHEN two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss rather than a near hit?
DOES current emphasis on artificial intelligence support the existence of artificial stupidity?
IF a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
LIGHT travels faster than sound; is that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
WHEN a fly alights on the ceiling, does it perform a loop or a roll in order to get upside down?
HOW do military cadets find their caps after tossing them in the air at graduation ceremonies?
HOW do they get deer to cross a highway where they place one of those yellow warning signs?
WHY is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
AIRPLANES have an indestructible black box. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
WHEN you pick something up so your hands are full, why does someplace on your face start to itch?
WHY is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
IF it's zero degrees today and tomorrow is supposed to be twice as cold, what will tomorrow's temperature be?
A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops. What occurs at a desk with a work station?
WHY is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship its called cargo?



There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock". He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee". He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock".

She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black".


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John just graduated Clinical Psychology and opens a small office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.

He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised.

John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds "Tonight's the night!!"



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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plough to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plough went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plough she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plough stopped.

The driver got out, came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window. The snow plough driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plough when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

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While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope" replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Again Jimmy says "Nope". "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No" said Jimmy. "I went into mum and dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me".

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch" Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet".



Little Arty went to the first day of kindergarten and sat down. His teacher went around the room and was asking every boy and girl his or her name. When she got to Arty he said "My name is Arty but they call me 'Farty' and that pisses me off". Sensing some anger she said to Arty "This is kindergarten Arty, we don't talk like that".

Then she went around and asked everyone their address. When she got to Arty he said "I live on Third Street but they call it 'Turd Street' and that really pisses me off". She said "Arty I want you to meet me after class at my desk".

"Yes ma'am" Arty said. So he meets her at the desk. His teacher says "You seem like a smart little boy, can you tell me what this means?" and she pulls up her dress. He says "Of course I can. That means you wanna diddle and I'm too little and that really pisses me off".


Random Shite 2016 10 06
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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and sure enough ends up in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows though its 3AM!

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!?" He says "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her".

"Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"



A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a truck stop café and placed his order. He said "I want three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards". The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook "This guy out there just ordered three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards... what does he think this place is an auto parts store?"

"No" the cook said. "Three flat tyres mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and a pair of running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"

"Oh okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of baked beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked "What are the beans for, blondie?" She replied "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tyres, headlights and running boards, you might as well fill up on gas!"




He goes like dis...

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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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