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September 2008...
 
orsmupdate 2008.09.25-23.oh-nine
Brandy Taylore

Welcome to Orsm.net. No one makes friends with a failure.

So I'm another year older and it's a whole lot of big whoop. My birthday came and went without much fanfare which is exactly what I wanted - I cringe at anyone making a big deal over me. That said I did find myself making a list of fuckers to spite on account of them failing to call/SMS/email/acknowledge. Soon my pretties... soon.

Saw an interesting story about a cab driver viciously beaten after a fare dispute. The guy got pummelled which is disgusting but there was one detail that bugged me. The cabbie, a refuge from Somalia, won't for the foreseeable future be able to work or support his wife... and seven kids. Seven fucking kids! Honestly how many do you need?

I don't think I've ever met anyone nor do I have any friends that is one of seven. Maybe after number three or four someone might have gently brought up the subject of 'birth control'? I could be wrong here, and correct me if I am, but incapacity or not there is no way a cab driver wage can support a family of nine which means the responsibility to pick up the slack falls to the community and government and more importantly - tax payer dollars. Immigration... you gotta love it...

Moving on... between a trip away and just about constant running around fixing friends computers over the past couple of weeks I've been spending a bucket load of time behind the wheel. Kind of a novelty because I don't do the daily commute so I'm mostly oblivious to insanity-making peak hour shenanigans. This is good because if there is one thing that drives me to screaming abuse out the window it is BAD driving and it just so happens that little old Perth is at least 99% BAD drivers.

It can't have always been this bad... not that I remember anyway, but people just don't seem to care anymore. It's a 'fuck you all I own the road' selfish attitude run amok and this was proven yet again a couple of weekends back - friends driving home from a function, cleaned up and seriously injured in a head on collision caused by a drunk, speeding driver.

This was another reminder of my three accidents over the years. None my fault. All caused by fuckwits. One by a girl who wasn't concentrating and the other two by retards who were driving dangerously. All avoidable if even the slightest bit of common sense was applied.

It's not just retards causing accidents that I'm on about though. It's the simple things. Courtesy. Considering other road users and all that. Keeping left for instance is the most basic road rule there is but the amount of times I get stuck behind a car camped out in the right hand lane sitting just under the speed limit is unbelievable. Get out of the fucking way! It doesn't end there however...

Indicate: if you are going to turn then just drop your hand down a few inches and flick that lever. It doesn't hurt I promise!
Don't pull out: if a car is approaching in the lane you want to pull into then just wait a few seconds for it to pass. The car won't have to brake and you're less likely to get a smack in the head.
Fog lights: if there is no fog, which there never is, don't turn them on. They look gay and you look like an idiot. No one has ever uttered the phrase 'wow look that car has fog lights!' and never will.
Let people in: something else that won't kill you. Just back off the gas a bit and let a car in. You may even feel good about yourself having done something nice for a stranger. Give it a try!

Honestly I could go on and on and on but the likelihood of me being labelled a whiny little bitch increases exponentially with every word so I'll take the long, long climb down from my soapbox and drop a bomb on this update... which incidentally is going to come close to being the best one ever... or at least since the one that time with the thing that was really great and everyone loved. Remember? Good times huh? Anyway let's do this. Check it...

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

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MILF Godess - Play Me! - Scary Mary - Tasty Teen - Slow & Sexy - Orgasmic - Disgusting - Brazilian Ass

Comic Gurl - Ninja Hottie - Jubblies - Take It Off - Scarlett Johansson - Priced-Less - Hit That - Surely Not?

Page 3 Babe - Firework Battle - Great Prank - Eva Mendes - Ali Larter - Aniston Bikini - Crackhead - Fat Lambo

Did you hear about the fire in the tenement building in Redfern? An Aboriginal family of six lived on the first floor. They all perished in the fire. A Muslim family of eight lived on the second floor. They also perished. A white couple lived on the third floor. They survived. Anthony Mundine, wanting to cut someone's nuts off for the disaster, demanded to know why the whites survived when the others didn't. The fire chief said the answer was simple: The white couple were at work when the fire broke out.
--
Two Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy "That's the best fuck I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on?"...
--
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

DANI GETS IT GOOD
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One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a POLITICIAN."

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ORSM VIDEO

NEW OFFICE POLICY

DRESS CODE
- You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday's & Sunday's.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

BATHROOM BREAKS
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAKS
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

OLDEN PORN
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Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine! Uniformed chauffeur and all! Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!"

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!""

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna says "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

FUCKING BIG SNAKE
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READER MAIL
Just like a blonde with huge boobs, this week's RM will go down as one of my all time favourites...

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can strap to an email and fire my way down the internets. Make the magic happen by clicking here.

Erich wrote:
Subject: Got something for random images for you
Hey; Love the site, when a co-worker sent out the attached pic on our watercooler email alias I thought "this is so an Orsm pic". It's from the side of a mall in Emeryville, CA where we work, obviously the S in shoes was an unfortunate placement. What I'm really curious about is where I'll see it next, this is the kind of pic that will likely have a way of moving around the net.
click to enlarge

cameron wrote:
Subject: emailing
Hi. Just got back from Euro trip and i saw this little baby in Monaco, but have no idea what on earth it is. Anyone lend a hand? Cheers!!

TVR maybe...? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Billee wrote:
Subject: Grimy kitchen
Hi Orsm, This week the City Hall of Campinas, in the state of São Paulo, Brazil, ordered the removal of 38 tons of garbage from a single house. Check out that grimy kitchen to have an idea of how those people lived. It took the garbage men two days to finish the job. Cheers,

click to enlarge

Some Guy wrote:
Subject: Just park your boat anywhere!
This brand new Mustang boat doesnt look too bad....but what about the Volvo IPS pod drives that are meant to be hanging out the bottom of the boat!!! Picture was taken today in Queensland

IPS legs are designed to break off thus protecting the engines if something like this happens. Great idea but still going to cost a fucking fortune when it does. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Steve wrote:
Subject: Coffin Falls out of hearse
Hi there ORSM, Love the site, Here are some photo's of a coffin that fell out of the back of the hearse when it pulled away from the Traffic lights. Apparently the back door wasn't properly closed and the coffin and body rolled right out onto the main road in from of the train station in Albury, NSW. They were on the way to bury the poor guy and had to double back and pick him up off the road. The local rag interviewed the daughter who said he old man was a bit of a larrikin and would have loved the whole thing - lucky for the undertaker !
click for gallery
Matt wrote:
Subject: Guiford Hotel Fire
hey man love the web site i have a few pics you might like. the fire at the old guilford hotel. please dont show my email address thanx man hope you can use the pics
click for gallery

Alex wrote:
Subject: LUNCH ANYONE????
I just hope its open 24 hours a day, would'nt it be great to have one of these on the way home from a nightclub instead of the usual souvlaki or kebab.

We should all be utterly disgusted but I'm just left craving grease. -Orsm

click for gallery

Stuart wrote:
Subject: Atlantis Hotel - The Palm - Dubai
The Atlantis Hotel, Dubai. Quite something else. See attached pics.

Can't believe they copied my house almost exactly. Fuckers. -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: only you need is booze!!!
Hi Orsm! Love the site.....don't post my email.....bottle of booze $20 dollars.....digital camera.....$200 dollars.....take pictures of a slut and post it at Orsm.net.....priceless

What can I say but HOLY SHIT!? $200 for a digital camera is a great price! -Orsm

click for gallery
emceeTRUTH wrote:
Subject: the pics of my new girl. and a shower vid.
Aight this new girl of mine is like 3 seconds from being illegal, so i figured my fellow friends with no morals would enjoy this. Now that shes 18 i'm going to be starting up her own website, so any feed back would be nice... gotta pay the rent some how. enjoy.
click for gallery

Kevin wrote:
Subject: Hurricane Ike
Great site, keep up the good work. These pictures were taken in Bridge City, Texas after hurricane Ike made landfall in Galveston Texas. I have also published a series of videos on Hurricane Ike. I own a Survival Forum and use youtube videos to promote my site.

click for gallery

Savannah wrote:
Subject: emailing
insert

This is the follow up to the pic posted in mail a couple of weeks back. There was some speculation as to the sexuality which can now safely be put to rest...

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Ross wrote:
Subject: Near Miss/Potential Risk Fire Vehicle
Preliminary report and photos on a Near Miss/ Potential Risk (and I do mean a near miss and Potential Risk).

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Paul wrote:
Subject: Vintage Electronics
Check out the computer prices in this old catalogue. Pics from ebay... Vintage Dick Smith Electronics Catalogue 1987 - 1988

What a rip. I bet they didn't even come with DSE employee porn like they do now... -Orsm

click for gallery

Darren wrote:
Subject: Orsm
My Awesome Harley

Getting the word out there... my friend Ray is happy. -Orsm

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Evan wrote:
Subject: hi orsm
Hi Orsm I'm a Apprentice mechanic at bmw in Melbourne. on thursday the 11th (september 11 kind of weird) i opened my toolbox draw and didn't see there was a stanley knife blade near and sliced my palm open.i got 8 stiches, hand in splint and a recovery of 14 days and this orsm pic that the hot nurse took =]your site is THE BESTcheers
click for gallery
Aberdeen Angus wrote:
Subject: Attached PDF is hilarious
Welcome back online mate, bet this kid learns how to photoshop. assistance reqd thread.
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hot amateur ex GF vid
Hello Mr Orsm, Here's another vid of my ex GF, with some fucking, 69, cowgirl action and plenty of moaning from the young lady. I hope you all enjoy it. Please hide all my details. Thanks!
click to watch video
Joel wrote:
Subject: ex girlfriend
dear orsm, enclosed is a video of my ex. A mate thinks she's had her curtain's trimmed i'm not so sure, thought i'd seek an expert opinion?????
click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

DARWIN AWARDS

EIGHTH PLACE
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

SEVENTH PLACE
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

SIXTH PLACE
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

FIFTH PLACE
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

FOURTH PLACE
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

THIRD PLACE
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other 1 to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
A zookeeper fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say the ill-fated keeper was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked him to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'shit happens'.

ORSM VIDEO

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife but after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

RACHEL ROXXX... SHE REALLY DOES.
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The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

"Hello... Hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing; "Vote for John McCain... Vote for John McCain!"

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."

RANDOM SHITE
Careful what you wish for because sometimes Daddy Orsm delivers. Now click the poo...

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A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in year four." "No, madam," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15."

Click for more awesomeness

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All those for me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".

IT'S ALL CHALK
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Due to the credit crunch the local mine shut down and the dwarf had to get a new job. Times were hard and the dwarf tried everywhere - finally he gets to the zoo.

"We've had a bad case of avian flu and all the penguins have died," said the zoo keeper. "As they are our biggest attraction, I need you to dress up as a penguin and pretend to be one all day. It pays $50 and all the fish you can eat."

Well that's not too bad, thinks the dwarf, so the next day he is their flapping about and swimming and eating fish.  "Not a great job, but hey, we've all had worse," he says to himself..

A few weeks later some local kids are visiting and decide to have some fun - by throwing a penguin into the Lion's den. So they pick up the dwarf despite him flapping his little wings and chuck him over the fence.

He looks around and sees a huge lion approaching... its crawling up on him until he sees the whites of his eyes. In panic the dwarf shrieks, "LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT, I'M NOT REALLY A PENGUIN - I AM A DWARF IN A PENGUIN SUIT!"

"Shut the fuck up or you'll get us both sacked!" says the lion.

ORSM VIDEO


It's game over man... its game over! And just like that its time to close the curtains on yet ANOTHER update. I was 'feeling it' this week so hopefully you dudes enjoyed surfing it as much as I did slaving away endlessly to get it all stuck together. If not, sucks to be you. And with that...

- Check out the site archives s'il vous plait.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Daaaaamn tootin'.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will gently finger your asshole whilst you sleep and then even more gently rub his fingers in your ears, eyes and nose. The next day all you'll be able to smell is shit and have terribly sore eyes. The day after you'll develop a severe ear infection eventually leading to hospitalisation. Ray likes to give people that special 'touch'... and all because you didn't tell your mates.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Cleggie. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.09.18-23.04
Puma Swede HOTNESS

Welcome to Orsm.net. No comment.

I've been to hell and back this week and I'm now convinced that computers were put on this earth to make life more difficult but firstly, if you're not interested in the tales of a man pushed to the edge by technology or you know nothing more about computers than how to turn them on then do what everyone else does and scroll down for the good stuff...

Thursdays are always manic trying to get the update finished for 11pm splash down and some weeks I wonder how everything comes together but it always does. That said it's been so long since an update was missed I completely forgot about that hate mail that pours in. Funny stuff you little bitches. Usually if I'm not going to be around on the Thursday I'll crank through the weekend getting shit sorted but when everything goes pear-shaped on update day its distressing for you, the porn fiends and me, upstanding member of the community. Talk about perfect timing though... had my fingers crossed that the Hadron Collider would end the world so I could have the day off but my PC committing suicide worked just as well. Also took care of having to make plans for the weekend too...

I still don't know what actually caused the meltdown. One minute I'm tap-tap-tapping away and the next, bang - blue screen. Fucker wouldn't restart. Error! Error! Suck it! Error! So off come the sides, checked and replaced cables, vacuumed dust out, tested everything and hacked up the BIOS. Finally it boots and I manage to move some important files somewhere safe. It was all short-lived however - hanging and blue screening constantly.  Restart in safe mode, disable EVERYTHING and tried again.

From there it was starting to become apparent what the problem [or symptom] was and I would like to take this opportunity to thank Intel for making such a poorly featured RAID controller. Until then I'd never had a single problem with it and suddenly, without warning my striped array is nowhere to be seen. Was about then I realised the update was never going to happen - all the required files lost in a malfunctioning black hole.

The next couple of days were frustrating. Googling, reading and trying countless programs to recover the data. As far as I could garner all my precious data was still there, it just wasn't accessible. Saturday, just as I was about to give it up and smash the computer to pieces, I tried one more scan program. Three excruciatingly long days it took to run, backing up 500GB across my home network [ie. SLOWLY] and there was no guarantee it would work but much to my surprise the fucker managed to get it all back. Honestly I haven't been that happy since I first touched boob.

So the first thing most of you is going to say is "why didn't you have a backup, dickhead?" and the simple answer is I was working towards it. I've been waiting for the new range of processors to come out this month before building a new machine so basically I got caught waiting. Definitely won't happen again though - got a badass 5TB NAS device coming which means redundancy and peace of mind.

There's a lesson in this for computer nerds everywhere - never, ever, ever use RAID 0! No matter how much faith you have in your hardware or your mad skillz there is just no point. Even if you think its data you don't care about the headache is all too much. Hard drives are big, cheap and fast these days so either just use one or make sure they are mirrored.

Okay that's enough tech talk. If I never have to think about this shit again it will be too soon but because we don't all live in a world where everything just works I'm sure we'll have this blog again one day.

Just quickly before I get this long overdue update underway I'd like to remind everyone that it's my birthday this weekend so presents are expected. I don't want to be greedy so please keep gifts under $1000. But in the mean time - check it...

Click for more awesomeness

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Gone FUBAR - Game Onnn - Ricochet - Skills - Dogs Balls - Hollywood Porn - Oops My Bad! - Cute Boobs - Butt Seks

Anti-Theft - Oriental Babe - Body Painted - Very Cool - Justine Jaro - Breast-tastic - Choclit Hottie - Hood Hefner

Gaby Ramirez - Sexy Poledancer - Sqaush Dog - Blonde Bombshell - Doin' A Dance - Borat In Oz - Cool Shit

A guy sees a buddy and notices that his friend's car is a total wreck. It is covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "So what the heck happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park..."
--
Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house."
--
A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems. The counsellor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, let's talk about something you both have in common." The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."

SWEET LIKE CANDY
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RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every take-off is optional, every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying is not dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous!
4. High speeds are not dangerous. Coming to a sudden stop is dangerous!
5. It is always better to be down here, wishing you were up there, than up there wishing to be down here!
6. The only time you have too much fuel on board, is when you are on fire.
7. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the airplane, used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
8. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
9. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the airplane again.
10. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
11. You know you have landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
12. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
13. Never let an aircraft get you somewhere your brain didn't get five minutes earlier.
14. Stay out of the clouds. The silver lining everybody keeps talking about, might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
15. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you have made.
16. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
17. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience, before you empty your bag of luck.
18. Helicopters can't fly. They are just so ugly the earth repels them.
19. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round, and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not as they should be.
20. In the ongoing battle between airplanes going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to loose.
21. Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement.
22. It is always a good idea to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
23. Keep looking around. There is always something you've missed.
24. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It is the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
25. The four most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, air in the fuel tank and a tenth of a second ago.
26. Lastly, always check the runway number; then double check!

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Three Labrador Retrievers -one brown, one yellow and one black- were sitting in the vet's waiting room when they struck up conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?". The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I go on everything - the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I went in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?". The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too." The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever. I want to do everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

GARGOYLES
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Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot, and he didn't care."

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your friends were trying to tell me."

WEIRDO WEDDINGS - CHAV STYLE
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

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READER MAIL
Got a huge mail bag for you bastards this week. Make that hooj. Once again this is all stuff that was supposed to be up in the update that never happened so expect a fucking massive one next Thurs.

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can strap to an email and fire my way down the internets. Make the magic happen by clicking here.

Michael wrote:
Subject: Boob job - NO vote...
Tell the dude with the insecure wife that she needs to grow up and get over it.  Personally, I'd rate her as, well, perfect, and only a fool would tamper with perfection.  Besides, she has only one person to impress, and she already snagged him, so what's the problem???  If her boob size bothers her that much, it seems to me that she probably has more serious underlying issues that need to be addressed.  If my wife wanted bigger boobs, I'd tell her to eat more.  If she chose the silicone option, I'd wish her a nice life and leave; I find fake tits to be quite repulsive.  I'm probably in the minority with that opinion, but you know what they say about opinions. There's my two cents... hope I don't get change back...

Paul wrote:
Subject: Re: Wife's tits
I think we need more pictures to make an informed decision, also need to see the whole package. I like all boobs in all shapes and sizes... but if it is going to make the wife feel better about herself and mean that hubby gets more sex well she better go and buy some new boobs then. Just make sure to send the before and after shots to orsm.

Have to agree. With such an important decision we need more... preferably at numerous angles and hi-res. -Orsm

Gary wrote:
Subject: Wife's Tits...opinion
They look great ...( ORSM indeed ).... leave them alone and stand tall and be proud of what "nature" gave you. You don't need any more than you have if you like yourself. Ask yourself this question. " If I get these enlarged, what will it accomplish? What do I gain ...what do I loose. Any Plastic Surgeon would be more than supportive of your idea to adjust your size and only because he wants to help you spend your hard earned money ! I really think I speak for most real honest men in saying..." more than a handfull in one hand and mouthfull with the other hand on your clit is only a waste" ! Show them often to total strangers and I just bet you lunch that no one would ever say " you ""need"" a boob job".
G M wrote:
Subject: Lick my dick video
Man, what's with the guy in "Lick My Dick" video? His cock is stuck in his foreskin, and causing his cock to bend and distort..... & when he finally blows, it's all dribble. When an uncircumcised guy has a hard-on, it's supposed to come out of the foreskin. Hate to imagine what's trapped under there - old cum? Days/months old pussy juice? Any STI's? If the chick had a brain, she'd pull that cock out of its sleeping bag and tell him to wash the fucker at least! That's my bitch for the day....

Stuart wrote:
Subject: IQ Test
C'mon Orsm, what's wrong with you? My IQ is in single digits, and even I managed to solve it:

Cop takes Prisoner, then Cop comes back. Cop takes Boy, then Cop & Prisoner come back. Dad takes Boy, then Dad comes back. Mum & Dad cross, then Mum comes back. Cop takes Prisoner, then Dad comes back. Mum and Dad cross, then Mum comes back. Mum takes Girl, then Cop & Prisoner come back. Cop takes girl, then Cop comes back. Cop takes Prisoner.

I get impatient... -Orsm

krause wrote:
Subject: Savannah is a dude
In response to the post from Savannah with her picture of a dildo or is that a cowboy boot? Check out the incredibly hairy legs and the very manlike fingers with chewed off nails and the back of the hand shown is very hairy too, so either she's a he or she's someone you never want to see the front of....ROFL

E wrote:
Subject: Baby cam WTF!?
Hi Mr. Orsm. Long time lurker, first time contributor... and so on and so forth. Anyways, in various phases of boredom, I travel deep into the interwebs, and discover all sorts of peculiar things. Amazingly, I've found this attached image on the web.

Unbelievable. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Butch Bitch
This fucking fat retarded butch dyke is a manager at my store and she's a bitch to work with. I promise the next post will be hot, i just wanted the world to see this cunt.

Unfortunately not every lesbian is 18, hot, blonde and shaven. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Ryno wrote:
Subject: Dont pass out!
This bloke passed out at my birthday party, and this is what his wife did to him.
click to enlarge
click to enlarge
V wrote:
Subject: Garage sale on the 30th August
Hi everyone, Primo has finally gotten his way and I've had to go thru' all of our stuff - we're going to have a garage sale this Saturday at our place. A bit embarrassing really, but because of our current situation, (debt, petrol prices, electricity increases and living expenses, etc.) we're finding it a bit difficult with money at the moment. (And considering we are in a situation where we have to move home shortly what better time to do it...) We've decided to have a garage sale and hopefully we'll make some money to help cover costs. Desperate times call for desperate measures!! I am sure that we will get out of this mess sooner or later but in the meantime. So anyway, we took out all our stuff last week and laid it out on the lawn and I've taken a photo of the items we have for sale, so if you see anything you like, please let me know as soon as possible so I can save it for you, assuming the price is right. Hope you can make it! Please view the items below...
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Interesting number plate
I took this photo the other morning on the way to work. Sorry it isn't clearer but I took it in a hurry with my phone. Unfortunately, I couldn't see if the driver was male (argh!!!) or female. Just in case you can't read it once you blow it up, it says: "I love (heart) my dildo!" It has a picture of a dildo at the end.
click to enlarge
Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: quite a picture!
When the lightning flashes, this is NOT what you want to see. THIS IS A PICTURE THAT SOMEONE TOOK WHO WORKS ON AN OIL RIG. HE WAS GOING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF THE LIGHTNING AND WAS UNAWARE OF THE TORNADO UNTIL THE LIGHTNING ILLUMINATED IT. This is a one-in-a-million photo..............
click to enlarge
Don wrote:
Subject: Hurricane Gustav
The local news paper encouraged folks to submit their hurricane videos. Take a look to the right of the web site's home page.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: World under black president pic
Hey pal, great site- Here's something i did with a black buddy of mine, thought it might by worthy to grace the pages of RS. Let me know. keep up the good work, and dont post up my details please in any way/shape/form please.
click to enlarge
Martin G wrote:
Subject: A sign from above?
Hey mate! Long time reader first time contributor. I bought some take-a-way curry with cheese topping. 'The dancing man' greeted me. Should have frozen it and sold in e-bay!
click to enlarge
George wrote:
Subject: For ORSM.NET site
I stopped to take a photo of this road side billboard just a little south of Missoula, Montana. As it turns out, it's not just a bunch of dudes walking about swinging them around, they cut them off the steers and fry them up to eat. From info found on the web: Just off I-90 east of Missoula is the Red Creek Lodge, near Clinton, MT. The Red Creek Lodge is home to the annual Testicle Festival, a celebration of the Rocky Mountain Oyster, i.e., deep fried bull testicles.
click to enlarge
Odo Ital wrote:
Subject: Sand Sculpture Images
Mr. Orsm: I stumbled upon these today and thought to share them. Enjoy! Cheers, Mate!
click for gallery
Milton wrote:
Subject: HEY THERE
Just wanted to send this pictures of me and my brothers and sisters. Its a tattoo that we all got. All seven of us have the same initials (jm) and our last name its (del toro) witch means (bull) so my brother created this logo for us. Hope you like them. Im a big fan of your web page you guys rock.
click for gallery
Mark wrote:
Subject: Bubble
Hello there Mr Orsm, or Ray, or whoever you are today .. I broke my neck playing rugby twenty years ago and can feel fuck all from the shoulders down. This is what happens when you put your hand on a hot radiator and hold it there, not knowing the fucker is on until you smell the skin cooking .. Sorry about the shit photos - they were taken with a camera phone. I have a new digital camera now so if you want better quality just let me know and I'll pop my feet in the oven for ten minutes or something :)
click for gallery
Terry wrote:
Subject: Thief impaled on museum fence
An alleged thief had to be rushed to a local East London hospital on Wednesday night after being impaled while attempting to run away from a crime scene. Senior admin officer at the museum, Rod Botha, said the suspect broke down the back door to the museum. The alarm went off and the man apparently got a fright and ran away. He climbed a tree and then attempted to jump over the fence. The suspect, however, lost his footing and was impaled by one of the spikes on the fence. Botha said the man was discovered by a tow truck driver who heard his cries. Police and a local security company were despatched to the scene. The man was taken to Frere Hospital and it is understood that he is due to undergo surgery.
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Trev wrote:
Subject: 300C
Hey ORSM, I saw this car and thought it looked cool, not my taste but still think it looks good. I thought that I would give you first dibs on the pictures. Please withhold my information. Thanks Keep up the good work.
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Craig wrote:
Subject: Targa West
Hey there Mr Orsm. Last year I sent you some pix from the Darwin V8 Supercar round that I was lucky enough to catch whilst working up north. This year it's Targa West as I'm working in sunny Perth for a couple of months. Not as much action as a dirt rally but entertaining nonetheless. Sadly a noticeable lack of stunners (unlike Darwin) but still made for a good day out.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Lakeside plumbing loser
Hey, This is some impatient looser is Mandurah today, My missus took the photo's she would be stoked to see it on your site. Please withhold my details.

Ooops. -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hot ex GF vid
Hello Mr Orsm. I've been a big fan of your site for many years. I thought you and your viewers might be interested in this hot vid from my collection. Please hide all my details. Thanks!
click to watch video

privatxx wrote:
Subject: geile Fotze
Hallo Mr. Orsm. my Wife good Fucking

Hot... dogs. -Orsm

click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Leopard owning an Impala
Hey ORSM, Love your work!! Thought you might like the attached video of a young male Leopard doing its thing on an Impala. I shot this on the River Kwai in Botswana in July this year, I have a longer version posted on you tube at which shows him dragging it away and starting to chow down. I hope you enjoy?
click to watch video

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A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

ORSM VIDEO

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no Secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe Box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not Recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

DEVON DELIGHTS
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RANDOM SHITE
Icky, sticky and totally uncalled for. That's how I would describe the farts that followed Indian for dinner last night. RS on the other hand has none of that - nothing disgusting, wrong or in bad taste. I won't stand for that kind of stuff around here and just in case you had any doubts I urge you to click the image below and see for yourself. Check it...

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A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"


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Herman had just hopped out of the shower, looked out the window and saw a ladder going into the clouds.  As any of us would do, he raced outside and climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought Herman, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was a wee bit easier on the eye. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought Herman, "might as well carry on."

On this cloud was lounging lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, Herman thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Take me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she said, flirtingly. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When Herman reached the next cloud, there was a fat, slobbish ugly old man, with flies buzzing all around him. "G'day Mate, I'm Cess!"

BEACH BOOBS
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John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year... the bells are not always audible.

ORSM VIDEO


Dudes... Bro's... Cuz's... that's all I got. Done fucking done for another week and if I've achieved what I set out to then you haven't done anything productive or work related for at least half an hour. And with that, the outro...

- Check out the my archives. That's what she said.
- Next update will be next Thursday. So long as there isn't another total meltdown...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kidnap your sister and go back in time to 1945 and have a three-way with your grandmother, thus becoming your grandfather, prospective brother in law and father to your nephew. It's called the Ray paradox.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy birthday to me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.09.04-XXIII.VIII
Puma Swede HOTNESS

Welcome to Orsm.net. We were on a break.

Holy fuck it's September which means the year is more or less over. It also means I'm feeling all... springy. The bitter cold of an even bitterer [yes that's a word] winter is finally relenting, it's barely rained in weeks and my faithful little foot heater hasn't been on all week. I guess it's time to start thinking about summer and I just wish it would hurry the fuck up and arrive so I can start complaining about the heat...

Its election time again. No not the US Presidential election. I'm talking about a race of miniscule significance - a state election. As usual it's been a letterbox busting [aka. bin filling] assault of junk mail touting policies and achievements of people that you've never heard of, explaining how to vote for them and their party. The sad thing is it's really just a big waste of time. We're talking state politics so anything that I would care about, anything that actually affects me is "managed at a federal level".

So how to vote and what to vote on? Their policies are more or less the same and the points of derivation are not exactly vote changing. I can't help but feeling that five years from now we'll be where we are no matter whose had the reigns. The thing I find frustrating is that of the two biggest parties, the two 'main' options, I don't particularly like either of them. Where are the guys that have big ideas? Where are the guys who aren't just in this for the paycheque, the perks and their ego? And would it be so bad to spend more time talking about what you can do instead of how shit the opposition is?

Moving on... as I mentioned last week when I let my friend Ray step in to blog for you guys [sorry about that] I managed to grab a couple of days away. A holiday, vacation - whatever you want to call it. Four days in the glorious southwest and a much, much needed chance to recharge the batteries de-stress and escape the "I've got a problem with my computer" phone calls that come constantly. Honestly if I ever get sick of doing this website thing then I'm definitely going into PC repair. There must be shit loads of money in it. Anyway I digress...

We stayed on a farm in the middle of buttfuck rural nowhere. I usually prefer staying close to the coast but the lure of farm animals won out. I'm the ultimate city slicker so anything beyond dogs and cats are just things you eat. It was good fun though. They didn't really smell like I expected and they don't bite like I also expected. I'm also no longer scared of horses... or at least not the mini Shetland ones they had...

The only low point of the whole holiday was seeing a kangaroo get mowed down by a car in front, run over by another car and then watching it try to get up a few times before dying on the road. Kangaroos are apparently at plague proportions in some areas but it was still traumatic.

The coolest part of the trip was stumbling upon some German guy, also in the middle of nowhere, who spends his days making amazing woodfired bread. I love finding stuff like that. I'm sure if you look hard enough there's probably dozens of places close to civilisation that do exactly the same thing but novelty factor was definitely there.

Okay enough rambling. Time to get on with the update, which if the amount of hours that have gone into slapping it all together are anything to go by, is sure to be a winner. I guess what I'm trying to say is grab your rubber gloves, box of tissues and check it...

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

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Fucking Hot - Game Time - Teen Trash - All In Brawl - Perfect Bum - Bikini Models - Breast-tacular - Creamy Pussy

Rub Those Titties - Lucky Bastard - Gay Team - Holy Holly - Idiotic - Tasty Twins - Vida Guerra - Big Black

Beach Babe - WTF Dude? - Sorry Bro! - She Came! - Fat Arab - Jeri Lee - Xtina Boobs - Tuff Cunt - 51st State

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
--
Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out. Husband says "Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister"
--
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and fuck's off.
--
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head." The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
--
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?". The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black person to be elected President of the United States." St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me!  When did this happen?" To which Obama replies, "About twenty minutes ago."

EVE LAURENCE: WANKTASTIC
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Three Drunk Women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claimed that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, " Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

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ORSM VIDEO

TECH SUPPORT - HOW CAN I HELP?

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work...

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

Customer: Hi I have a problem with my Canon printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

Tech support: Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'... on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

I DRUNK
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READER MAIL
Two weeks of mail to get through = more cool shit than you can wave your cock at. More fun than you can have with you clothes off. More fullfilling than a quad stacker.

Have you submitted today? High on the hit list and desired by Orsm readers the world over pics of you doing silly things, Ex girllfriend porn, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool stuff, funny ha-ha jokes and pretty much anything else you can strap to an email and send down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it happen.

Gordon wrote:
Subject: BAR ROOM ECONOMICS - HOW THE TAX SYSTEM WORKS
That is the finest piece you've ever printed,,,,, and it's so damn true and yet people don't understand at all!!!!! People still want to have their cake,,,, AND eat it, too!

Chris wrote:
Subject: Olympic results
For Gawdsake, be careful in claiming victory in the 'limpics, this is the results I found..............

The top 10: 1. Jamaica (7) - 400,618; 2. Slovenia (5) - 401,542; 3. New Zealand (9) - 463,717; 4. Australia (36) - 572,246; 5. Armenia (5) - 593,717; 6. Estonia (2) - 653,802; 7. Bahrain (1) - 718,306; 8. Belarus (13) - 745,059; 9. Cuba (13) - 878,765; 10. Denmark (6) - 914,128; 11. Norway (5) - 928,891; 13. Georgia (4) - 1,157,710; 22. Britain (37) - 1,647,132; 41. Greece (3) - 3,574,272; 42. United States (82) - 3,705,178; 50. Japan (23) - 5,534,279; 53. Israel (1) - 7,112,359; 70. Afghanistan (1) - 32,738,376; 75. Mexico (2) - 54,977,700; 79. India (2) - 573,997,949

Lets take the piss out of the curry munchers, and draw everyones attention away from the kiwi thing................

Myles wrote:
Subject: poms
Just on the Poms at the Olympic the fly under the banner of great britian because England is not a country so if you take out Scotland & wales & Ireland? Not to sure about the last one you would find they have FUCK all medals & are still shit at any sport
Dubs wrote:
Subject: It is worth the read
Frame this.. Dude has a stop over in Melbourne for 5 hrs, goes out and has beer and chinese food, please read and enjoy...
Psycheman wrote:
Subject: 2 tits make an ass
Mr. Orsm, Saw this on ImageBeaver.com and thought your ORSM'ers would like an optical illusion. Seems these girls are twins and by mashing one of their tits together, give the effect of a very nice ass. Even I had to look at it twice. Fair Dinkum.
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Viagara violence
The most embarrassing part is when you just want to 'try it out' and you have to front the Doctor for a prescription and explain why you need it... Any man who says he hasn't used Viagara, is as big a liar as his brother who claims he has never masturbated. Me??? well you can see I don't even know how to spell it. As for the attachment, well, you be the Judge...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wife's tits
Orsm, If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to ask you (and your readers) for your HONEST opinion. My wife wants to get a boob job. I personally think they're just fine as is. Are they huge, monster boobs? No. But I prefer the natural look/feel to grabbing onto a couple of bowling balls, softballs, or even tennis balls. She thinks they're embarassingly small and can't stand them. So what do you think? Are these things really that bad?? Thanks for your input, and feel free to post but hide info. P.S. The attached photo makes them look as if one is much larger than the other, but it's just an illusion. They're actually perfectly matched.

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Ken wrote:
Subject: Pub Signage
Hi Orsm! This was spotted in a boozer in Newcastle upon Tyne, UK. Check it out. I thought it was funny anyway! Keep up the fantastic site man!
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REALLY Dirtied Your Car wrote:
Subject: Ladies water polo: Bosnia vs. Kosovo
Do not take this as a slagging of womens rights etc. This is an actual photo of the Bosnia vs Kosovo ladies water polo team at a pre Olympics scratch match. Question is Which team is which? It only takes a couple of seconds to identify the teams.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Parking Job
Mr. Orsm, I just took this picture the other day and thought that I would give you first dibs on the picture. Please withhold my information. Thank you.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: randomness
Please notice the framed pic in the background. He must be so proud. Keep up the good work.

How could he NOT be proud? -Orsm

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Howlin Hodag wrote:
Subject: Pics from Bristol Motor Speedway
Love the site. Just got back from Bristol Motor Speedway in Tennesse. And my wife thought we went there for the racing...

Boobs. That's what they're for. -Orsm

Savannah wrote:
Subject: email
me

The more I look at this pic the more I can't tell if its a dude or a chick... -Orsm

click to enlarge

PAUL wrote:
Subject: email
Bush is on the job

Perk of the job. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Psycho ex gf
Hey Mr Orsm, I've been trying to get a psycho bitch ex off my back for the last couple of years, and have meant to send you through these pics earlier as a deterrent to her, but kept putting it off... I can't imagine why though... There are some decent quality & not so decent. Take your pick, pls withhold details.
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sfenn wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi ORSM love the site keep up the good work, a mate & me went up to exmouth to have a look around last week set up camp opened a tinnie & two birds come out of the bush to have a drink with us, very friendly indeed.
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Big M wrote:
Subject: Guess who?
Guess who this is ????? Have another look..... Again? I don't know either... but I'd give her one !

I did give her one. Wasn't that good actually. -Orsm

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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Job Opening, are you interested?
Position: Surveyor. Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free). Qualification: Must be fast on your feet. Isn't it comforting to know that when you are about to become a bear's breakfast your Management is standing there taking photos?
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Iain wrote:
Subject: IQ Test
This is cool..... See how you go! All though i am a bit worried why the dad cant stay with his girls.

I did not even come remotely close. I am dum. -Orsm

click to open
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A guy, working 35 floors up at a construction site, had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him he was going to go down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was nuts, explaining that by the time he got down and back up he would lose a half hour of time.

Instead, the foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building, stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and do what he had to do. He added that since they were 35 floors up, his pee would turn into vapour before it reached the bottom. So, the guy decided to take his foreman's advice.

Suddenly, the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, causing the guy to fall to his death!

At the inquest, another worker who was on the 31st floor at the time of the accident was asked if he knew what happened.

"I'm not sure," he replied, "but I think it had something to do with sex."

"Something to do with sex?" the coroner said, puzzled. "What would make you think that?"

"Well," the worker replied, "I saw the guy falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, "Where did that cocksucker go?!?"

ORSM VIDEO

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm Staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a Blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm Sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy...

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto".

CHLOE DIOR
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ORSM VIDEO

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RANDOM SHITE

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A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."

The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."

He continues, "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

The blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'

I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me..."

The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?'

The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now'."

"But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man that would have pissed me off for sure!" "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset." "No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally piss you off?" "Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground."

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A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

MILITARY SHENANIGANS
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The President of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.

After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary.

After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her: Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a seventy-five carat diamond ring, with a matching two hundred carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers, "No problem! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a one hundred-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a twelve-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "OK. I cut! I cut!"

RED NECKIN'
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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that"...

ORSM VIDEO


Aaaaaaaaaaand... DONE.

- Check. Out. The. Site. Archives.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Oh yes it will... a goochy-goochy-goo.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will show up at your work naked and start screaming "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?"
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and congrats L & D. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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