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A Canadian Speaks...

As a Canadian, wilfully tired of the arrogance of Americans on a group basis (i.e. US foreign policy), regardless of the few hundred of you that are actually people I would want to populate the same planet that I belong to, I propose a new deal that makes incredibly more sense than that proposed to the 'Brits'. US should become a territory (not a province - not that more than 3 of you will know the difference) of Canada. We could end American aggression through
a combination of factors.

By doing away with the two most boring sports out there: American Football and Baseball. In one, four-hundred pound steroid freaks, usually black, are told what to do by one skinny, usually white, guy. If this isn't a symbolic representation of American worldwide aggression, I don't know what is. (Let me spell it out for you Americans, since we all know what watching too many Hollywood films does to your faculties: one white guy with a button, millions of blacks and latinos with guns who can't get a better job due to systematic discrimination (i.e. Consistently poor education). I've been to the Southern States, no-one can tell me systematic racism is no longer a problem in the States.) The other sport is a 'very difficult' one which is basically a glorified form of children hitting rocks with sticks.

By taking over your country through Hockey, we will be able to at least tone down your violent American tendencies towards shooting people and turn it into agry parents yelling and cursing at refs and coaches, setting wonderful examples for their children. Oh, wait, that's already happened. See how well anything to do with violence catches on with your country?

We will teach you Americans that driving down the road doesn't necessitate stopping on the way for ammunition. Also, perhaps we can teach you that common courtesy while driving does actually get everyone to their destination faster (excepting the example given by Montreal drivers). Finally, we will make you finally accept the 'evil' metric system. Yes!

Perhaps all you fundies will finally realise (with the rest of the world) that Satan does not indeed inhabit kilometres and litres.

We will eliminate such horrible language as 'color' and 'honor' in favour of more aesthetically pleasing words like 'colour' and 'honour'. While we are at it we'll teach you how to say roof properly.

We will help you to weed out your revisionist history by reminding you how bad we handed your asses to you in 1814. Not that they teach you that in school, because they only teach you about the wars that you won after waiting a few years to see who was going to win then swooping in to take the glory of 'saving' those who were about to win anyway. We will also teach you the reason why you guys are hated when you leave the 'good-ole-U-S-of-A'. I'd spell it out for you, but I'll wait for you to put away your gun first. I know when it comes to flag-burning or anti-patriotism you freaks will just start firing.

As a territory of Canada, the US will benefit from a substantially decreased military budget (Oh, we'll keep it high enough to blast everyone else to smithereenes five times over - which probably means having the budget, say, 5% of what it now is...) while benefiting from universal health care. Yes, now not only rich white guys will benefit from the heart surgery that everyone needs because of your horrible eating habits. Hey, maybe while we are at it we can somehow make the mid-west skinny again. Seems impossible? With universal health care you guys may actually get healthy enough to figure out how!

By our take-over we can actually help you clean up your water through actually imposing global environmental laws that you helped create in the first place. I mean, you are actually buying your water from us anyway, but since we are Canadians, we actually want to help our neighbours - not screw them over with Free-trade agreements that actually only work one-way: Free-trade for you, sanctioned trade for us.

We will teach you how to celebrate real heroes like the creator of the League of Nations and consequently the United Nations: Lester B Pearson, former Prime Minister of Canada; Instead of war heroes like Olly North etc.

We will teach you that American English is not actually spoken by the rest of the world. In fact, I know this may come as a surprise, but there are other languages than English out there. But, considering that probably 80% of you have never left your respective States, I doubt that you'd even know what Japanese was if they weren't the one's actually running the show (sure you won the battle, but not the war).

We can help you eliminate the gross corruption of your elected representatives by having more than two parties to choose from in each riding. Not corrupted you say? Check this out about your Congress: It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics: 29 have been accused of spousal abuse, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19 have been accused of writing bad checks, 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses, 3 have been arrested for assault, 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, 21 are current defendants in lawsuits. In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.

Perhaps through our socialist influence (god forbid) people will actually mean something to each other more-so (or even instead of) than as money making commodities.

Perhaps through our liberal secular values (excepting Alberta, of course), gays won't get killed for something they can't help, Women will be able to have control over their bodies (77% of pro-life leaders are men), People will be able to actually be elected without having to have a platform revolving mainly around how well they can cater to God-fearers the most (we have less religion in our political institutions yet we don't have a country founded on the separation of church and state - WTF?), it will no longer be the case that any idiot can get a gun, people will actually be able to get along as equals regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious beliefs... etc.

You will actually benifit from Secret agencies that actually just gather intelligence, instead of getting presidents killed (JFK), getting presidents put into office (dubya Bush), or whatever other various nefarious tasks the CIA does abroad and at home.

Perhaps with our influence you will be able to elect leaders based on the actual platform they are presenting instead of based on how stupid they are because you hate smart people, or because you want a leader who you could get pissed in a bar with. Yeah, that's a good quality when negotiating with foreign dignitaries. Why not just puke on their laps too, like Daddy!

Most importantly, perhaps with our influence your foreign policy will change from being a bully trying to control world events in your favour by creating dictators and tyranny the globe over into a policy that attempts to find non-violent solutions to conflicts and positive ways to work with other countries to attain the ends you want. Perhaps we can change it to providing real education and infrastructure based aid instead of high-interest debt loans to leaders you put in power that will use it to line the pockets of their cronies and the American corporations you allow into the country.

Finally, with this deal you Americans can learn two things: 1) How to get a life or a brain, and 2) That your name 'American' actually comes from a British slang word 'Merkin' meaning a 'pubic hair toupee'.

-- Author Unknown.

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