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The Advice Asshole...

Got a problem too big for Oprah or Jerry Springer? Well you're in luck because the Advice Asshole is here to help! Email the Advice Asshole with all your problems at theadviceasshole@yahoo.com.

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Dear Advice Asshole,

I really enjoy reading your column and I think that you have the correct mindset to help me with my problem i.e. one-track which is as it should be. I really fancy having group sex with my wife and her sister.

The filthier the better. I haven't suggested it yet but I would like to add an interesting element if successful.

My question is, do you think it would be improper to invite their mother as well? If acceptable, in what order should the debauchery take place?. Is it correct etiquette to fuck the mothers brains out first, she does have much smaller tits than her two lusciously breasted daughters, or should I shaft the girls first to lube up my dick for her dry pussy?

Also, who should get the cum spray? I don't want my moment of fulfilment to be tainted by squabbling over who most deserves a top up of full fat baby gravy! Its a difficult one, I know, but it deserves to be done correctly and I need your considered advice if I am to avoid hurt feelings. Please help,

-Family Man.

Ok "Family Man,"

Just come on out and be honest with your wife. I mean marriage is built on a shit load of lies, so if all goes wrong you can just say it was a joke any how. Let's just say your wife goes: "Oh yeah Honey!! It's about time you asked me to have sex with my mommy and sis!! I've wanted to for a long time and so have they..."

It won't happen, but let's say it does...

Out of respect, you must go from oldest to youngest... "Respect your elders." If your wife and sister-in-law are twins, whichever one came out first is older...

If your wife were willing to bring her sister and mother into bed with you, then does it really matter who gets the $$$ shot? No, I didn't think so.

That's just my opinion, and I know I'm not wrong...

-The Advice Asshole
theadviceasshole@yahoo.com

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Hello theadviceasshole,

Liked your description of the butterfly position. Can you tell me how does the beaver position look like?

-- Best regards, Pavel

Ok Pavel? That's your name? Pavel?!?

Ok whatever. The beaver position is much like the butterfly position. The most integral part of this position is acquiring a beaver. Now seeing as it's a few short days from Christmas, and I don't want anyone calling me The Advice Scrooge, I've decided to use good ol' Saint Nick himself in the description of the beaver position.

click to enlarge

Oh and by the way, If you're just going to "copy" and then "paste" my name from my e-mail address, don't bother asking another question you dumb fuck...

That's just my opinion, and I know I'm not wrong...

-The Advice Asshole
theadviceasshole@yahoo.com

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Hey Asshole,

Have you seen the movie Armageddon? Ya that stupid one, thats the one im talking about. A bunch of guys go up into space to an asteroid to drill each other or something, anyway my question is, can there really be fire in space with no air? because when their spaceship crashes its burst into flames that continue to burn for long after the crash. When they walk around outside, the wreckage just burns away like a camp fire. How is this possible?

-Judy

Well Judy,

First off I'm going to switch your name to "John" for the sake of my answer, and I'll explain my reason for doing this at the end. Well "John," I must give you kudos for a job well done. I've actually pondered this myself for quite some time, and I do believe that little incident is one of those "Hollywood Bloopers." Indeed, if there is no O2 (or Oxygen), there can very well be no fire. If the fire were burning in the vast vastness of space, they might as well have taken their space suits off and walked around like a bunch of space monkey cocksuckers...

Oh yeah, I bet you're wondering why I switched your name to "John" for this answer. It's simple, I can't give a common, worthless woman compliments for intelligence...

That's just my opinion, and I know I'm not wrong...

-The Advice Asshole
theadviceasshole@yahoo.com

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Dear Advice Asshole:

If God can do anything, could he make a rock so big that he could not move it?

Ok, I don't believe in "God" or have any sort of religious belief, but let's just say there is a "God." We'll call him Jed. If Jed sat there and made a stupid piece of shit like you, I don't see why he couldn't make a rock that big, and then use your puny piece of putrid human scum to chip away at the rock until he could move it...

That's just my opinion, and I know I'm not wrong...

-The Advice Asshole
theadviceasshole@yahoo.com

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Dear Advice Asshole,

My friend Chris is gay. Should I harass him constantly or just punch him in the face?

-My friend likes cock


Yeah, No Fucking Shit...

If your friend is "gay," meaning he takes dick up the ass, it is HEAVILY implied that he likes cock...

But don't worry folks; I see what's going on here. This is one of those age-old questions. You know the type. The guy/girl says: "My friend so-and-so does this-or-that. Is that wrong?" What they're actually doing is fighting a battle with their conscience, and they need another source of input.

So Chris, it's not wrong to take cock up the ass, but only if you're a really loose woman. Anal sex is a dish best served from a man to a knocked out woman... Not a hairy sweaty boyfriend’s ass...

That's just my opinion, and I know I'm not wrong...

-The Advice Asshole
theadviceasshole@yahoo.com


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