The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who
had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They
decided to try one last time for the son they always
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and
sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy
baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified
to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that
there was no way that he could be the father of that
child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and
asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one
night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before
they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to
be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz
had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,"
said the mortician, "But I can't send you off
to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove
the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize
into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his
wife. "I have something to show you that you
won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my!" she screamed, "Schwartz is
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then
she dusted Him with talcum powder. "Don't move
until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the
husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh,
it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked
it so much, I got one for us too." No more was
said about the statue, not even later that night when
they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband
got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a
while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here,"
he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood
like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody
offered me as much as a glass of water."
A man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE
CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied
"Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu,
and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone
steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly
sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes
to real money."
"How much money?" inquires
the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR
cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy
who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs
with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing
with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same
as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky,
was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She
held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush,
my love," she said.
Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He
was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the
weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to
sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky.
I ... I slept with your Sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know"
Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned