|1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian
word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand
dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand
bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in
Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we
should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should
have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.
3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew
what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing,
then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking
away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We
can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent
out of your clothes.
4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning.
We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just
wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he
want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see
you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in
and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always
like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to
call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey,
I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone)
"I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you
have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."
This guy probably calls phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm
not in the mood."
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people
there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's
sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of
the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I
wanna burn in 'Heck'?
7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her
car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of
your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your
8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny,
positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's
a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.
The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh,
yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,
your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
9. Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money
has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's
Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will
be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and
erections...who can't remember what to do with them.