|Another of lifes
little mysteries explained...!! Beer!
How many times have you woken up
in the morning after a hard night of drinking and
thought ‘How did I get home?’ As hard
as you try, you cannot piece together your return
journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this
puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.
The beer scooter is a mythical form
of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by
Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched
out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman
pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical
The beer scooter works in the following
fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of
drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give
off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors
detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer
scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits
them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so
a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket
cash is taken as payment.
This generates the second question
after a night out ‘How did I spend so much money?’
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified
Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the
beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during
the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted
This generates the third question
after a night out ‘What happened?’ With
good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes,
in descending order, those parts in time regretted
most. Unfortunately one person’s EMIT is not
necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost
time is regained over a suitable period.
Independent studies have also shown
that Beer Goggles cause the scooter’s navigation
system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS,
Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru
chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza
Another question answered!!
For the family man, beer scooters
come equipped with flowers picked from other people’s
garden and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed
in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe,
you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the
CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains
the ringbarked shins.
The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some
scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This
explains how one person can apparently get through
260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.