| BILL HICKS
Random quotes from a true comedic genius...
It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy
for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and
plough through this shit one more time.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park and when you choose to go on
it you think it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are. And the
ride goes up and down and around and around and it has thrills and chills
and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud. And it's fun, for a
while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to
question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have
remembered, and they come back to us, and they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't
be afraid, ever, because... this is just a ride."
Not a time to quit smoking, kids, but I fucking did it. And yes, I miss 'em.
It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right
now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus, and
moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy right now.
Ohohoh, quickly, how many non-smokers are here tonight? By round of
applause, let's hear non-smokers. (round of applause as Bill lights a
cigarette and blows smoke towards to audience) Good.
I love being in New York, I love running the bum gauntlet down every street.
God I hate those guys, man. The very idea they want me to give them the
hard-earned money my folks send to me every week. Leech, get a job. My dad
works eight hours a day for this quarter. I mean, the nerve.
A lot of Christians where crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus
comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's kinda like going up to
Jackie Onassis with a little sniper rifle pendant. "Hey Jackie, just
thinking of John."
I did that joke about Jesus in Alabama, and these three rednecks met me
after the show. "Hey buddy, c'mere. Hey Mister Comedian, c'mere." Yeah, I
love that move (makes shoving motion) "C'mere!" Not a physics major, I think
that's a safe bet. "Mister Funnyman, c'mere. Hey buddy, we're Christians and
we don't like what you said." I said, then forgive me.
I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year, after the show I went to a Waffle
House, I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm
reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me, "Tch tch tch tch. Hey,
what you readin' for?" Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've
ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for. Well,
godammit, you stumped me. Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I guess I read for
a lot of reasons, and the main one, is so I don't end up, being a fucking
waffle waitress. But then... this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands
over me, and goes, "Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader." What the
fuck's going on here? It's not like I walked into a clan rally in a Boy
George outfit, godammit, it's a book !
I've got material planned, I didn't say I'd take fucking requests. OK? I
said if you wanted to hear it, I'd stay, I'm not a jukebox. Anyway I dunno
how much AIDS scare y'all, but I got a theory - the day they come out with a
cure for AIDS. Guaranteed, one-shot cure. On that day, there's gonna be
fucking in the streets, man. It's over! Who're you? C'mere! What's your
name, baby? No, it's over, yeah, woo-hoo! Man, if you can't get laid on that
day, cut it off.
Cause you know, if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards, they
sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them,
they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for
the children." Fuck that. When did mediocrity and banality become a good
image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking
rocked. I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit. I want
someone who plays from his fucking heart. "Mommy, mommy, the man that Bill
told me to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose!" Shut up and listen to
him play! The New Kids! "Hi we're the New Kids and we're so good and
clean-cut..." (cocksucking noises) "We're so clean cut!" Seig Heil! Heil!
Heil! A good clean country... Heil! Heil! Heil! (more cocksucking noises)
Fuck that! I want my rock stars dead! I want them to fucking play with one
hand and put a gun in their other fucking hand and go "I hope you enjoy the
show!" (gun-fire noise) Yes! Yes! Play from your fucking heart! ...I am
available for children's parties by the way...
I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to
help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea
ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in
the only way you can right now. (starts blinking)
We got pulled over tripping on acid one night, pulled over by the cops.
Don't recommend it. Cops don't appreciate fish driving around. They frown on
that. Long night, man, cop was tapping on this window... we're staring at
him in this mirror. "How tall are you? It's a little cop, look at him. How
does he drive that big fucking car?"
How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy. Don't you think?
Anybody think that? Just once, to hear a positive LSD story. "Today, a young
man on acid, realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow
vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself
subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we
are the imagination of ourselves... here's Tom with the weather."
Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs? See
a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight... "Answer
him, honey, go ahead. Let's hear how you feel about this right now." A woman
one night yelled out, "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said, yeah. Almost broke my
back. It's that one vertebrae, I swear to God, it's that close. I think that
vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just
a theory and a fervent prayer. Yeah, now all the guys are going, "Honey, I
have no idea what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child." That may
be true, but guys, yyyyyou know what I'm talking about. I can speak for
every guy in this room here tonight, guys, if you could blow yourselves,
ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.
Boy, my folks are proud of me. "Bill honey, you still doing that suck your
own cock bit?" Yeah, mom. "Good, baby, that's such a crowd-pleaser. How
clever of you to come up with the suck your own cock bit, honey. You're so
clever, it makes your mama's bosom swell with pride. Knowing her son is
travelling the world, using his given surname, going up in front of rooms of
total strangers and doing the suck your own cock piece." Thanks, mom. "No
"Mommy, I want Goatboy to come play at our house Hehehehehe"
"What do you want, goatboy? Big ol' smelly shaggy thing"
"Goatboy is here to please you"
"Tie me to your headboard, throw your legs over my shoulders and let me wear
you like a feed bag"
(snorting, sucking, licking noise)
...once again i AM still available for childrens parties...
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself.
Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds.
Maybe one day they'll take root, I don't know. You try. You do what you can.
Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no
rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK?
Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously,
no, this is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no
fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and
garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the
only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself. I know what all the
marketing people are thinking right now too. "Oh, you know what Bill's
doing? He's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market. He's
very smart." Oh man, I am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags. "You
know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar,
that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've
done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not
doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking
thing on this planet.
I personally do not believe in burning the flag. It's a personal belief, but
I'll tell you something, I think people are overreacting, oh, just a little
bit. "Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag." Well, I bought mine. Sorry.
You know they sell them at K-Mart for three bucks, you're in, you're out,
brand new flag, no violence was necessary. "Hey buddy, my daddy died in the
Korean war for that flag." What a coincidence - my flag was made in Korea!
I love talking about the Warren Commission, I love talking about the Kennedy
assasination as well. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm
fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously
for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's
interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People
say, "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let
it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright,
then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here,
Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all
transpired, go back to bed America, your goverment is in control again.
Here, here's American Gladiators, watch this, shut up, go back to bed
America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it, watch these
pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on
the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do
as well tell you! You are free to do as we tell you!
I learned a lot about women. I think I learned exactly how the fall of man
occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and
Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with
God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the
instant that we have them." And Ever said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is
It's just a ride, and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice.
No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now,
between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your
door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us
as one. I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And
you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defence
each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead... just play with this...
if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world, and it
would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded and we can
explore space together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. Thank you
very much you've been great, I hope you enjoyed it...
16 DECEMBER 1961
26 FEBRUARY 1994
Truly Missed ...