Mad ravings of a man pushed to the edge by Christmas...
I was asked to send this out early this
year as our (my) Christmas wishes usually take a month to read...
so here we are... mewwy cwistmas...
No! No! No! I am not, I repeat not, taking part
in Christmas this year! No shopping... no cards... no gifts... no
wrapping paper... no running out of petrol whilst searching for
that oh so rare beast called the vacant car spot... did I mention
no shopping? Oh and no entertaining Uncle Ted and his troop of gargoyles
either! No granny trickling saliva on to the Christmas pudding...no
increasing the credit card limit to 3 times what's left on the mortgage...
none of it I tell you!!! Now that you all know my feelings on the
matter... I've just gotta break the news to the wife...'Honey bee!
Precious! Can I talk with thee?'
Call me Scrooge! Go on! I'll wear the badge proudly!
Christmas these days can be summed up in one word, 'COMMERCIALISM'
which comes from the Latin words....'COMMER'...which translated
= 'Come on down'...and 'CIALISM'...the English translation of which
is 'Spinner!' How many of you can remember the real meaning of Christmas?
Yeah! See you forgot what it's all about haven't you... Well let
me remind you! It's about...???? Hmm...???? Anyway it’s about
stuff... and that’s why I'm not taking part. (Anyone who offers
me a bat and ball at this point will suffer the consequences!)
Okay now I've just gotta tell the rellies and
friends this news... maybe I should just write and tell them inside
a Christmas card… DOH! No way! Nothing that has a Reindeer
or Santa or a bloody snowman on it! A snowman in a place where it
can reach 35 degrees in the shade on Christmas day... how gullible
do they think we are!
Ah! I have a great idea... I'll cut up the cornflakes
box and use the grey side... good thinking 99... Okay... here we
go... 'Dear Mary... Hope you have a merry Christmas... (PS: Hope
you like the limited edition card. I.e. it was very expensive but
your worth it Aunt Mary... slobber slobber) 'Kellogs Cornflakes
Christmas Card'... neat idea hey?... I'm just writing to tell you
that Christmas is no go for me this year... the doctor warned me
against going anywhere near the shops... just in case the guy with
the tattooed face turns up and really does kill me! Yeah the same
one who reckons I stole his parking spot last year... I do hope
you... hang on Mary... someone’s at the door... probably some
slimy nosed kids singing Rudolph the red nosed reindeer or something
similar... Oh no it's the postman...'
'Hi just got to deliver these Christmas
gifts all the way from Queensland. Merry Christmas!
'Wha...? Six presents... All the way from Queensland...
Oh look! Two are addressed to me… Oh isn't that wrapping paper
cute... six white boomers pulling a pub along... and the tartan
bow... hey I could use that on Jock's wallet and maybe he might
just open it one day... but wait a minute!... I can't accept these
gifts!... I'm not getting sucked into this... no way!... This is
exactly what happens!... They buy for you... so you gotta buy for
them and so on and so on... until your working 3 months overtime
to pay off the pressies.......Well no...... I'm not playing that
Wonder what's in them?... Doesn't matter... I'm
going to send them straight back... now... tomorrow... or the next
day... I should just have a quick peek... just to see how much they
spent on me... gee they must have used 3 rolls of cello tape...
how am I going to open this without tearing the paper?... hmm...
this one feels heavy... ooh the suspense is killing me... Look I
don't want whatever is in here... I just merely want to know what
it is... I promise I'll send it right back... DAMN! That's the bloody
paper torn... Now I'll have to find some of this same paper and
rewrap it... right well what do we have here?... Wha!... what's
this... 'Dear brother in law... we know how much you hate the commercialism
of Christmas so we decided you were right (for once. huh huh!?)
and we decided not to buy presents this year... we refused to take
part in the commercialism that you so (always huh huh!?) whinge
about... instead we just sent you this piece of limestone rock from
our garden... just so you know we're thinking of you at this special
time... A PIECE OF LIMESTONE ROCK! I've just paid a guy 200 bucks
to cart away a ton of that stuff from my garden!! The miserable
tight fisted buggers!!! Don't they know it's Christmas!!!!!!!!
Actually we in the Catering department do love
Christmas......some even love shopping... truly... really... Anyway
we just wanna say we luv you all... have happy days... have a safe
Christmas (stay away from the shops and blokes with tattooed faces)....
enjoy time with your families (unless you've got an uncle Ted in
MERRY CHRISTMAS & BEST WISHES
PS: We won't be giving gifts this year cos we...
we… err decided that you would only be embarrassed cos the
ones you bought for us would cost less... see how thoughtful we
are... we of course will gratefully receive the cheap ones you bought
PS: This story is a work of fiction and
any resemblance to real life people is purely coincidental.