I recently applied for a job at
Cosmopolitan Magazine. You know the one - the magazine
for chicks!? Anyways, to cut a long story short the
position was to answer the letters that they recieve.
Part of the interview process is to answer some sample
questions to judge how good you would be in the position.
I'm still waiting to hear back from them...
Q: My husband continually
asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not
only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful.
It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure
and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly,
a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral
sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely
painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing
to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many
nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural
behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is
a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other
men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with
the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to
you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at
how emotional and happy the man is when he returns
to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him
a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal
and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know
where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of
no concern to your husband. If you must mess with
it, do it in your own time. To help with the family
budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing
this, and to sell it at flea markets or on the internet.
To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive
present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested
A: Foreplay to a man is
very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love
your man as much as you should - he has to work a
lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in
this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice
expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given
me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is
a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists
and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention
it again to him and show your love to him by buying
a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook
him a delicious meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready
A: Ask your boyfriend.
He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since
they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a
Q: Should I have sex on the
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during
the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely
up to the man. The important thing to remember is
that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things
that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex
A: There is no average
time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything
under that and you may be rushing your man. After
your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural
desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his
friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity,
such as going out with his friends to the bar for
the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol
and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies.
Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself
by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps
even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll
come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished
making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy.
"Afterplay" is simply a list of important
activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This
includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich
or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him
alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive
Q: Does the size of the penis
A: Yes. Although
many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The
average erect male penis measures about 3 inches.
Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if
by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches
or over, you should go down on your knees and thank
you lucky stars and do everything possible to please
him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment,
buying him an expensive gift and cooking him a nice