As a result of the reduction of money budgeted
for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of
personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take
early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people
who represent our future. Therefore a program to phase out older
personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement,
will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as
SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel) Employees who are SLAPPED will
be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request
a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes
place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey
of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have
been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT(Study
by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the
new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but
may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If
an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled
to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment) As HERPES and CLAP
are considered benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES
or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the
younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue
it's policy of training through our (Special High Intensity Training)
We take pride in the amount of
SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT
than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not
receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your
supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
SHIT you can stand.
Once again thanks for all your years of
service to us.