|DEEP THOUGHTS: BY JACK HANDY
1. Before criticizing someone, walk
a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize
them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
2. If you ever drop your keys into
a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone,
man. They're gone.
3. If trees could scream, would we
be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might,
if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
4. To me, it's a good idea to always
carry two sacks of something when you walk around.
That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give
me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these
5. The face of a child can say it all, especially the
mouth part of the face.
6. I believe in making the world
safe for our children, but not for our children's
children, because I don't think children should be
7. If a kid asks where rain comes
from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably
because of something you did."
8. If you ever catch on fire, try
to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet
that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
9. Whenever I see an old lady slip
and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to
laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and
she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
10. To me, boxing is like a ballet,
except there's no music, no choreography, and the
dancers hit each other.
11. I hope if dogs ever take over
the world and they choose a king, they don't just
go by size because I bet there are some Chihuahuas
with some good ideas.
12. Maybe in order to understand
mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND.
Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"
and "ind." What do these words mean? It's
a mystery and so is mankind.
13. If you go flying back through
time and you see somebody else flying forward into
the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
14. It's easy to sit there and say
you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's
what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
15. As the light changed from red
to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there
thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch
of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
16. I can picture in my mind a world
without war, a world without hate. And I can picture
us attacking that world because they'd never expect
17. I hope some animal never bores
a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain because
later, you might think you're having a good idea but
it's really just the eggs hatching.
18. Whenever you read a good book,
it's like the author is right there, in the room talking
to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
19. Instead of a trap door, what
about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if
he leans too far, he falls out. Wait-I guess that's
like a regular window.
20. During the Middle Ages, probably
one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your
armour because you were "just going down to the
21. When I found the skull in the
woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then, I got curious about it. And I picked it
up, and started wondering who this person was and
why he had deer horns.
22. Remember, kids in
the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat