|NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,
if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci
bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do
not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan 1, Jan 26 and Dec 25.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through
your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided
your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN
DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However,
we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train
your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from
8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from
8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted
time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your
turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their
time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must
approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute
time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for
lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We
are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.