The Lord spoke to Noah and said
"Noah, in six months I'm going to make it rain
until the whole earth is covered with water and all
the evil things are destroyed. But I want to save
a few people and two of every living thing on the
planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark and here
are the specifications.
"Ok" Noah said,
taking the blueprints. "I'm your man."
"Remember six months and it
will start to rain" thundered the Lord "Be
sure the Ark is ready".
Six months passed and the rain began
to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw
Noah sitting in his yard weeping, but there was no
"Where is MY ARK"
shouted the Lord.
"Lord, please forgive me"
begged Noah "but there have been some problems.
Let me explain." "First I had to get a building
permit, and your plans did not meet the OH & S
code. So I had to get an safety engineer to re-do
the plans, only to get into a long argument with him
about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."
"My neighbours objected, claiming
that I was violating zoning ordinances by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance
from the town planner."
"Then I had a big problem getting
enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on
cutting trees in order to save the spotted owl. I
tried to convince the environmentalists and the N.P
& W Service that I needed the wood to save the
owls but they wouldn't let me cut the wood or catch
the owls. So, no owls".
"Next when I started gathering
up the animals, I got sued by RSPCA and animal rights
group that objected to me taking along only two of
"Just when that suit got dismissed, the Environment
Protection Agency notified me that I couldn't complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact on
your proposed flood. They didn't take too kindly to
the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct
of a Supreme Being."
"Then the Dept of Planning and
Water Resources wanted a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe. They said that they didn't
think that was funny."
"Right now, I'm still trying
to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission and their Civil Rights Commission over
the number of minorities I'm supposed to hire."
"The Commissioner of Taxation
has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying
to leave the country without a passport and Quarantine
Service impounding all the animals to make sure they
have no contagious diseases.
"Also, I got notice from the
state that I need a ship-worthy inspection sticker,
a certificate of approval for water and land use,
and I must pay personal property tax to the Taxation
Office before I can get a License to leave the country.
You know Lord I don't think I can finish the Ark in
less than five years."
With that the sky cleared, the sun
began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. You mean you are not going
to destroy the world, Lord?" he asked hopefully.
"No" said the Lord "the government
has beaten me to it."