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April 2008...
orsmupdate 2008.04.24-23.18

Welcome to Orsm.net. For fear that we forget.

I wasn't feeling it last week and that update was next to fucking impossible to squeeze out. Kind of like chronic constipation and only being able to put down a little nugget after pushing hard for three days. Much better this week though... like chowing down on a lentil and cabbage soup and uncontrollably shitting yourself but in a good way...

So yeah... I had a good weekend, took a trip out to the hills Saturday, relaxed and watched the footy Sunday and followed it up with a productive week. Oh and I'm abso-fucking-lutely chuffed that the long weekend is finally here. Tomorrow is ANZAC Day which marks the landing of Aussie and Kiwi troops in Gallipoli during WW1. People flock to memorials for dawn services around the country and other parts of the world to pay their respects and even though I wouldn't mind going there's not much chance of me waking up early enough following update day. Maybe next year...

On the top of my 'things I couldn't care less about if I tried' list this week is the Olympic 'flame' arriving in Australia. Seriously - BIG FUCKING DEAL. The blanket media coverage as the flame has travelled around the world is nothing short of shameful too. And now that it's splashed down here in Oz what do we get? Live televised coverage! Wooo! You could just about hear phones ringing off the hook around the country this morning "Boss, I'm going to be in late today sorry... REALLY want to see the flame get paddled across a murky river by some kayakers". Uhuh.

All this beckons the question: is there nothing else happening in the world newsworthy enough to bump the flame off the news or do people really want to see a bunch of demi-celebrities they've never heard of jog 250 metre increments with an oversized cigarette lighter?

And before anyone says it - no I don't have to watch. The only reason I actually did was because I hadn't quite managed to wake up properly. Mark my words in four years time I won't make the same mistake.

That aside it's just one more thing ruined by protestors... not unlike the cricket series in Australia over summer which became embroiled in a racism scandal. Not sure about anyone else but that pissed me off so much just I lost interest and stopped watching. Everything got blown up and focus got taken away from what was really important and in that case - the game.

The protestors have it all wrong anyway. If they were trying to force governments to spend millions in extra security, piss people off and get arrested then congrats - mission accomplished. To be honest I have no idea what they're protesting except its something to do with human rights in China...? Sorry dudes - fail. I don't doubt that shit goes on but if you want me to care you need to show me what's happening.

The best and most glaring example of how to do this was with the Japanese whale hunt. For years it was complaints and protests and nothing got done. Then anti-whalers got smart - took a huge ship down there to follow the whalers around with cameras and on the news every night we saw whales being harpooned and dragged still kicking on to ships to get carved up. Damning evidence and everyone went fucking crazy. Yeah the hunt went on but putting the issue so irrefutably front and centre has put piled pressure on the bad guys. Now you would have to think things will change... albeit eventually.

No doubt I'm making it sound easier than it is but someone needs to grab a camera and start filming what goes on. Show the world. If the situation is as bad as people claim then it'll shock people [like me] who have no idea and hopefully lead to change but one thing is for sure - trying to extinguish a flame aint gonna do shit.

Okay okay okay... let's get on with the update. Now I know I've made claims as to the excellentness of updates before but this one truly rocks. So many hours have gone into sticking it all together that I don't remember leaving the computer for the last four or five days. True story. Look it up if you don't believe me. So... check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Katie Fey - Play It - Talking Goat - Aussie Babe - Vida - Blood Bath - Sassy - Loser - Black Fuck - Arab Pussy

Scully's Tata's - Peepy's - Little Shit - I Know - Fuck Earth - Weird Porn - Cry Baby - Bananas! - Virgins Apply

Emo Fags - Cheer Stunts - Spicy - Funnel Prank - Fergies Butt - Corrupted - Emma's Vaj - Topless - Punished

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
Mike and Steve are talking about their respective weekends when the subject of picking up ladies pops up. "I must say I'm doing fine in that department," says Mike. "This weekend I hooked up with that new secretary Jenny Smith." "Jenny Smith!" Steve exclaims, "What happened?" "Let's just say I got lucky." "I've heard about Jenny," Steve says, "and I wouldn't call it 'lucky.'" "I would," Mike says smugly. "In that case," Steve replies, "you're the luckiest guy with herpes I know."

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Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England.  At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maoris.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. 

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Maoris on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Maoris don't buy a ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. "Watch and learn bro," answers a Maori.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Maoris leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

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The only cow in a small town near Mudgee stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Lithgow for $200. They brought the cow from Lithgow and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Lithgow?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Lithgow?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Lithgow..."

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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

Had millions of suggestions on getting perfectly clean and clear car windows after putting the call out last week. Huge thanks to everyone who replied! If you want to read some of the suggestions and what actually got them sorted click here.

Wanna submit something to Orsm.net and possibly be featured in an update? It's pretty fucking easy to do let me tell you. We're always on the lookout for fucked up vids, compromising pics of your bitch Ex or tasty GF, jokes, funny pics or whatever else you can staple to an email and send this way. All you have to do is click here and email me!

Gray wrote:
Subject: What the hell is an "Orsm?"
Dude, Love the site, have been stopping by for years... but I gotta ask, what the hell is an "Orsm?" Peace.

I get this ALL the time and it amazes me that after all these years people still don't get it. Must be the accent/pronunciation depending on where you're from but to cut an unnecessarily long and drawn out explanation short: Orsm/Awesome. Got it? -Orsm

sean wrote:
Subject: peeing
is it possible that for your next update you include videos of girls peeing

No. -Orsm

Z, from LA wrote:
Subject: Re: Toxic Hotel
Sorry to burst the bubble, but those signs are required by the state to be posted by any establishment with any chemicals that can pose such a threat.  The most common that you'll find are pool cleaning chemicals, such as chlorine.  I've lived in California my whole life and have seen those signs on virtually all Hotels and Apartment complexes.  They don't mean to deter people, just to warn them in case of those lucky few retarded enough to drink the chems.  Love the site, keep on rockin!

You learn someting every day... -Orsm

Some Stooge wrote:
Subject: A Tree
Dude, Yesterday a rather large tree fell over in West Perth across Richardson Street. Police attended and the road was blocked for a little while. Attached is a pic. How random, enjoy.
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Richard wrote:
Subject: pix of mate's wife
Hi Orsm ... Great site .. keep up the good work for all of us! I have attached 2 pics of mate's wife who posed for two guys at work. The wife doesn't know that the guys sent the pics too her husband. He wanted the pictures up on the net somewhere so people can see her for the slut she is, lol. Enjoy.
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Cathloser wrote:
Subject: Calling All Alcoholics
If you were around in 1919 and saw this poster... would you really quit drinking?

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cunnox wrote:
Subject: Obedience School Winner
I think i better get zeus started on this new trick,but knowning my boy zeus he'll just sit there and lick he's nuts... They say you are never too old to teach an old dog new tricks.
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Epirb wrote:
Subject: Quim
Why oh why oh why, at the age of 41 and with a sensible haircut looking after my grey hair do I still find this kind of thing funny? Can't help it, greetings from a draughty Blighty Orsm, Epirb.

For anyone that doesn't get that... here. Admittedly it would be better if they called it 'cunt'. -Orsm

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James wrote:
Subject: u can post this..
This is a pic of a whore of an ex... Wasted 5 years of my life on her... Hide my info please... BTW she lives in Connecticut. If U ever see these tits on a girl RUN THE FUCK AWAY!!!!! Do what you will with this Photo... BTW I love your site!
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Bill wrote:
These are pictures of the wreck of a brand new A340-600 in November 2007, that had never flown. (never saw (1) hour in the air). Thank these French and their Arab friends for this bit of "comedy of errors".

Nine employees of the Arab airline were in the aircraft, but "no employees" from Airbus were present. The Arab's taxied out to the run-up area. Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with virtually an empty aircraft. (They obvious didn't read the run-up manuals.) No chocks were set, (not that it would have mattered at that power setting) â?¦. Brakes will not hold it back at full power anyway.

As it turns out the takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had all FOUR engines at full power. The aircraft computers thought they were trying to takeoff but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc, etc). Then one of these brain surgeons decided to pull the "Ground Sense" circuit breaker to quiet the alarms. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air. "A big,big mistake"! As soon as they did that, the computers automaticlly "released" all the brakes. ("this is a Safety feature so that pilots don't land with the brakes on".) There was No time to stop and no one smart enough thought to reduce the max power setting..... So the rest is as you see it below. "Arab's" don't you just love them................

<with held> wrote:
Subject: hay baby
Orsm, An email of a wench who wants to have a mate of mine and me for some good times... no details please.

Fuck they are big. -Orsm

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Shadow wrote:
Subject: Random shite pics
I just got back from a trip I took to Las Vegas. I thought I would send you some pics for your "Random shite" section. So here a re some pics that I thought were funny... maybe cool... or just stupid... lol. Hope you can use some of them!
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marc wrote:
Subject: Gay
Gayest fish in the world! I released it ( well threw it back off the cliff) It swam off unharmed . Caught it on a chunk of mulie :) Its called a lunar tail wrass :) 
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Samiiiiiiiiiii wrote:
Subject: Mystery animal?
Can anyone shed any light on the attached pictures. It is some sort of creature spotted in about 1000m of water, off the coast of Indonesia. Apparently the stubby protrusions moved a bit like limbs, and when it was spooked by the ROV, it disappeared into the gloom by moving the frill at the end like a squid. I didn't see it personally, but this is the desciption I got from the guy who did.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Always remember format your ipod before you sell it!
Hey. Been a fan of your site for a while now, and here is my first contribution! Hide my details please!
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JD wrote:
Subject: How to park a FPV Pursuit Ute
Hey ORSM, Some photos from Main North Road in Adelaide a couple of months ago. He was allegedly racing a Statesman, and the result speaks for itself. Cheers.

Ford drivers. Enough said. -Orsm

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After I was discharged from the U.S. Navy, Jim and I moved back to Detroit to use our GI bill benefits to get some schooling. Jim was going for a degree in Electronics and I, after much debating, decided to get mine in Computer Science. One of the required classes was Speech.

Like many people, I had no fondness for getting up in front of people for any reason, let alone to be the centre of attention as I stuttered my way through some unfamiliar subject. But I couldn't get out of the requirement, and so I found myself in my last semester before graduation with Speech as one of my classes.

On the first day of class our professor explained to us that he was going to leave the subject manner of our talks up to us, but he was going to provide the motivation of the speech. We would be responsible for six speeches, each with a different motivation. For instance our first speech's purpose was to inform. He advised us to pick subjects that we were interested in and knowledgeable about. I decided to centre my six speeches around animals, especially dogs.

For my first speech to inform, I talked about the equestrian art of dressage. For my speech to demonstrate, I brought my German Shepherd, Bodger, to class and demonstrated obedience commands. Finally the semester was almost over and I had but one more speech to give. This speech was to take the place of a written final exam and was to count for fifty per cent of our grade. The speeches motivation was to persuade.

After agonizing over a subject matter, and keeping with my animal theme, I decided on the topic of spaying and neutering pets. My goal was to try to persuade my classmates to neuter their pets. So I started researching the topic. There was plenty of material, articles that told of the millions of dogs and cats that were euthanized every year, of supposedly beloved pets that were turned in to various animal control facilities for the lamest of reasons, or worse, dropped off far from home, bewildered and scared. Death was usually a blessing.

The final speech was looming closer, but I felt well prepared. My notes were full of facts and statistics that I felt sure would motivate even the most naive of pet owners to succumb to my plea.

A couple of days before our speeches were due, I had the bright idea of going to the local branch of the Humane Society and borrowing a puppy to use as a sort of a visual aid. I called the Humane Society and explained what I wanted. They were very happy to accommodate me. I made arrangements to pick up a puppy the day before my speech.

The day before my speech, I went to pick up the puppy. I was feeling very confident. I could quote all the statistics and numbers without ever looking at my notes. The puppy, I felt, would add the final emotional touch. When I arrived at the Humane Society I was met by a young guy named Ron. He explained that he was the public relations person for the Humane Society.

He was very excited about my speech and asked if I would like a tour of the facilities before I picked up the puppy. I enthusiastically agreed.

We started out in the reception area, which was the general public's initial encounter with the Humane Society. The lobby was full, mostly with people dropping off various animals that they no longer wanted Ron explained to me that this branch of the Humane Society took in about fifty animals a day and adopted out twenty.

As we stood there I heard snatches of conversation: "I can't keep him, he digs holes in my garden." "They such cute puppies, I know you will have no trouble finding homes for them." "She is wild, I can't control her."

I heard one of Humane Society's volunteer explain to the lady with the litter of puppies that the Society was filled with puppies and that these puppies, being black, would immediately be put to sleep. Black puppies, she explained, had little chance of being adopted. The woman who brought the puppies in just shrugged, "I can't help it," she whined. "They are getting too big. I don't have room for them."

We left the reception area. Ron led me into the staging area where all the incoming animals were evaluated for adoptability. Over half never even made it to the adoption centre. There were just too many. Not only were people bringing in their own animals, but strays were also dropped off. By law the Humane Society had to hold a stray for three days. If the animal was not claimed by then, it was euthanized, since there was no background information on the animal.

There were already too many animals that had a known history eagerly provided by their soon to be ex-owners. As we went through the different areas, I felt more and more depressed. No amount of statistics, could take the place of seeing the reality of what this throwaway attitude did to the living, breathing animal. It was over overwhelming.

Finally Ron stopped in front of a closed door. "That's it," he said, "except for this." I read the sign on the door. "Euthanisation Area."

"Do you want to see one?" he asked. Before I could decline, he interjected, "You really should. You can't tell the whole story unless you experience the end." I reluctantly agreed.  "Good." He said "I already cleared it and Peggy is expecting you."

He knocked firmly on the door. It was opened immediately by a middle aged woman in a white lab coat. "Here's the girl I was telling you about," Ron explained. Peggy looked me over. "Well, I'll leave you here with Peggy and meet you in the reception area in about fifteen minutes. I'll have the puppy ready."

With that Ron departed, leaving me standing in front of the stern-looking Peggy. Peggy motioned me in. As I walked into the room, I gave an audible gasp. The room was small and spartan. There were a couple of cages on the wall and a cabinet with syringes and vials of a clear liquid.  In the middle of the room was an examining table with a rubber mat on top. There were two doors other than the one I had entered. Both were closed. One said to incinerator room, and the other had no sign, but I could hear various animals noises coming from behind the closed door. In the back of the room, near the door that was marked incinerator were the objects that caused my distress: two wheelbarrows, filled with the bodies of dead kittens and puppies. I stared in horror.

Nothing had prepared me for his. I felt my legs grow weak and my breathing become rapid and shallow. Peggy seemed not to notice my state of shock. She started talking about the euthanisation process, but I wasn't hearing her. I could not tear my gaze away from the wheelbarrows and those dozens of pathetic little bodies.

Finally, Peggy seemed to notice that I was not paying attention to her. "Are you listening?" she asked irritably. "I'm only going to go through this once." I tore my gaze from the back of the room and looked at her.

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come out, so I nodded. She told me that behind the unmarked door were the animals that were scheduled for euthanasia that day. She picked up a chart that was hanging from the wall. "One fifty-three is next," she said as she looked at the chart. "I'll go get him."

She laid down the chart on the examining table and started for the unmarked door. Before she got to the door she stopped and turned around.  "You aren't going to get hysterical, are you?" she asked, "Because that will only upset the animals." I shook my head. I had not said a word since I walked into that room. I still felt unsure if I would be able to without breaking down into tears.

As Peggy opened the unmarked door I peered into the room beyond. It was a small room, but the walls were lined and stacked with cages. It looked like they were all occupied. Peggy opened the door of one of the lower cages and removed the occupant. From what I could see it looked like a medium-sized dog. She attached a leash and ushered the dog into the room in which I stood.

As Peggy brought the dog into the room I could see that the dog was no more than a puppy, maybe five or six months old. The pup looked to be a cross between a Lab and a German shepherd. He was mostly black, with a small amount of tan above his eyes and on his feet. He was very excited and bouncing up and down, trying to sniff everything in this new environment.

Peggy lifted the pup onto the table. She had a card in her hand, which she laid on the table next to me. I read the card. It said that number one fifty-three was a mixed Shepherd, six months old. He was surrendered two days ago by a family. Reason of surrender was given as "jumps on children." At the bottom was a note that said "Name: Sam."

Peggy was quick and efficient, from lots of practice, I guessed. She laid one fifty-three down on his side and tied a rubber tourniquet around his front leg. She turned to fill the syringe from the vial of clear liquid.  All this time I was standing at the head of the table. I could see the moment that one fifty-three went from a curious puppy to a terrified puppy. He did not like being held down and he started to struggle.

It was then that I finally found my voice. I bent over the struggling puppy and whispered, "Sam. Your name is Sam." At the sound of his name Sam quit struggling. He wagged his tail tentatively and his soft pink tongue darted out and licked my hand. And that is how he spent his last moment. I watched his eyes fade from hopefulness to nothingness It was over very quickly. I had never even seen Peggy give the lethal shot.

The tears could not be contained any longer. I kept my head down so as not to embarrass myself in front of the stoic Peggy. My tears fell onto the still body on the table. "Now you know," Peggy said softly. Then she turned away. "Ron will be waiting for you."

I left the room. Although it seemed like it had been hours, only fifteen minutes had gone by since Ron had left me at the door. I made my way back to the reception area. True to his word, Ron had the puppy all ready to go.

After giving me some instructions about what to feed the puppy, he handed the carrying cage over to me and wished me good luck on my speech. That night I went home and spent many hours playing with the orphan puppy. I went to bed that night but I could not sleep. After a while I got up and looked at my speech notes with their numbers and statistics. Without a second thought, I tore them up and threw them away. I went back to bed.
Sometime during the night I finally fell asleep.

The next morning I arrived at my Speech class with Puppy Doe. When my turn came, I held the puppy in my arms, I took a deep breath, and I told the class about the life and death of Sam. When I finished my speech I became aware that I was crying. I apologized to the class and took my seat. After class the teacher handed out a critique with our grades. I got an "A." His comments said "Very moving and persuasive."

Two days later, on the last day of class, one of my classmates came up to me.  She was an older lady that I had never spoken to in class. She stopped me on our way out of the class room. "I want you to know that I adopted the puppy you brought to class," she said. "His name is Sam."


A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a dozen Fosters stubbies and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans", he says. "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says. The man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF FOSTERS AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE!"

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Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one." "No", said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her." "No", said the father. "Were not going to eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."

After last weeks RS you're probably wondering what to expect and I'm not going to help you out sorry. That would be no fun... but do enter at your own risk though. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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The old man placed an order for one plain hamburger, fries and a cola.

At the table, he unwrapped the hamburger and carefully cut it in two, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the fries, dividing them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink and then set down the carton between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal between the two of them". When the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat watching her husband eat and occasionally she took turns at sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old man said, "No, thank you; we are used to sharing everything".

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man again came over, and spoke to the little old woman, who had yet to eat a bite, and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered: "The TEETH."

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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says "I see... take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor" she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly." The doctor says "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses let's work on your hearing..."


Update finito. Time to break the red eggs...

- Check out the site archives. Go onnnn...
- Next update will be next Thursday... unless i get a better offer...?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will send you a nasty and hurtful SMS [like he does to me]. Something like: "Dear stupid Jew, you are, always have been and always will be a complete disappointment and failure in our eyes. Love Mum & Dad." That's just the kind of guy Ray is.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a Happy Greek Easter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2008.04.17-23.19

Welcome to Orsm.net. Constant Partial Attention.

What's crackin'?

It turns out I've been living a week ahead of myself and for that matter everyone else. Had it in my brain that the coming weekend was the long one and now that it aint I'm sort of disappointed and possibly a tiny bit devastated. Poor me. Yeah I could just call in sick Monday but unfortunately the only person that suffers is yours truly so once again – POOR ME.

I had some crap written about the Hall/Staker punch incident from Saturdays Aussie Rules match in Sydney but honestly what can be said that already hasn't been? Nothing, so I did everyone a favour and shit canned it. Not as if we haven't seen the replay a million times either however I did find watching American commentators talking about it rather amusing.

Think I'll dispense with any further social commentary and cut right to the weekend part. Come on you know that's the only reason you surf Orsm... because my life is so fucking fantastical that everyone flocks here to read all about it and wonder why there's sucks so bad in comparison... right? That's what my life coach told me...

Saturday was a day choc full of unwanted retail excursions. Started early at the local shopping centre. Perfect parking right at the front door in the 15 minute bay. "You'll get a ticket" my friend warned. Hah right. "It's a privately owned carpark – who the fuck is going to ticket me?". It didn't end there... parking in the 15 minute bay got me 15 minutes of why I really shouldn't park in the 15 minute bay if I'm going to be longer than 15 minutes. Got that?

The mission was to find some sort of cradle thing for an iPod. Fucking iPod's. I must be the only person I know who doesn't own one yet they dominate far more of my life than I'm comfortable with. Friends and fam drop in to raid my music collection instead of see me most of the time. Anyway that plus general sightseeing took a couple more hours and included a somewhat funny incident with a sunglass counter girl who was displaying several decent inches of cleavage who was immediately on to me when I asked to 'see a pair'. Comedy gold...

From there it was into the city to get the camera tripod I've been eying off for the last few months. Sweet. Until now I've been using a hand-me-down piece of crap whose legs would retract every time you apply the slightest of pressure plus it was a video camera tripod AND it was old. Was supposed to catch up with some friends after that but it didn't quite happen... so back to the shops it was –this time for groceries- and back to the very same 15 minute parking bay. About half an hour later the phone rings: "Dude is that you parked in a 15 minute bay? You'll get a ticket!". No fucking shit.

Started Sunday like practically every other for the last five or six months - trip to the beach. Got home late morning to wash the car... which reminds me - anyone a car window cleaning god? A few months back I got this uber-amazing microfibre window sponge. Started off okay but after a couple of weeks there were streaks. In an act of desperation I resorted to Windex and now I cannot for the fucking life of me get them perfect and streak-free again. Okay so anyone who isn't clean car obsessed is thinking 'this cunt needs to get a life' and I pretty much agree with you but it's driving me fucking insane. Ideas, tips and suggestions here please!

Wanted to give the new tripod a go so we did the photo thing again Sunday evening but this time with my car and a mates R1 [motorbike]. Slowly, gradually, finally starting to work out some of the advanced settings and get half decent shots in crappy light. Still a long way from being able to say I know what I'm doing but its fun and not just the same old thing every fucking weekend.

Okay lets do this. Check it....

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Lohan-tastic - Click To Play - The DJ Test - Very Cool - Carmella Banged - Sienna's Toe - Deep Throat - Go Brazilian

Epic Fail - Uchuforce - Big Cans - Lurvly Cans - Little Cunts - Nurse Cleav - Manly Booze - Ooops! - Black Sluts

Fucking Moron - Don't Trust - So KO'd - Unfknblvbl Cali - Chair Attack - Try Hards - Soph Pokes - Lil Hilary - Lick It

Click for more awesomeness

I bought a racehorse today. I've decided to call him 'My Face'. I don't care if he doesn't win a race, or makes me any money. I just want to hear thousands of those posh tarts at Flemington shouting 'Come on my face!'
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"? The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

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Next time someone starts to spread gossip, think of this:

In ancient Greece Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment", Socrates replied, "before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".

"Triple filter?" "That's right", Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No", the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right", said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..."

"So", Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really..."

"Well", concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither 'True nor Good' nor even 'Useful', why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato (his student) was having an affair with his wife.



A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

“18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."

 Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm want list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Matthew wrote:
Subject: Bob Geldolf?
That's Richard Branson, not Bob Geldof, doesn't even look like Bob. Not to mention, the picture is titled with "richard branson". So are you just pullin our legs, a dry sarcastic joke? Or did you seriously believe that's Bob Geldof? Eitherway, fuck I'd drink a damn beer with Richard Branson! And I wouldn't look like a fat, queer in the picture, wearing a pink shirt either.

YES I know/knew it was RB as the filename clearly indicates. I wanted to see how many people would correct me and as it turned out there were tonnes of you! -Orsm

Adrian wrote:
Subject: F-16 landing at Aspen......if only.
For future reference this is a Gulfstream GV. The video is from the Gulfstream Aerospace website as a demo of their Enhanced Vision System- (EVS)They have many other cool vids. Check it out.
greg wrote:
Subject: skyline crash
The car in question was an R32 4 door - no turbo (if it was turbocharged, it would've had big brakes, requiring bigger wheels than than those on the car in the pics), Skylines don't get much softer than that - (roughly the equivalent of a V6 VN Commodore). Looks like NZ number plates, must've been chasing sheep...... To cut a long story short, there are two ways to acheive that level of desturction in a car so tame, #1 - on purpose, #2 by being a complete fuckwit......
Craig wrote:
Subject: cougar picture from oklahoma
Mr Orsm, Haven't written you in  awhile but I just had to ... The pictures of the cougar from Oklahoma have been circulated all over the states from a pile of different locations... Someone e-mailed me the pictures and told me they were from the Twin City Metropolitan area  in Minnesota....just thought I'd set the record straight!!! Snopes has it all!!

Reg wrote:
Subject: Ass Kicking Machine
I FOUND this advertised under jobs on a brisbane website:
Greetings! I am looking for candidates to try out my new invention for a carnival. I need people with a good strong butt. Duties involve sustained blows to the rear by different brands of shoes attached to a rotating ferris wheel device. This job is not for people that have hemmroids or any other ailments of that nature. Must be able to pass background, have a clean/ perfect DMV and pass a drug test from hair samples. Basically im like any other company I want that perfect person for a job that any ass can do. Oh and If you need any remodeling done I have 10+ years experience and my own tools. Mike Stamps. email your CV to: mikelstamps@yahoo.com

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Dubs wrote:
Subject: shipping
hows this for ebay shipping!!!!

Bargain... -Orsm

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Riaan wrote:
Subject: Only In Africa
Seen on a Mozambique road doing 120km/hr… ONLY IN AFRICA !!!
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Bruce M wrote:
Subject: Toxic pics from hotel
I stayed in LA last week. Had booked a cheap hotel(like, $36 a night) and then got all worried from people telling me what a crap area I was going to be staying in. Even Lonely Planet had bad things to say. All seemed good once I got there, was actually a nice place. Except when I saw this notice on the wall. No wonder the place was cheap.

Matt wrote:
Subject: Ben Cousins look alike
Is it just me or is the second bloke from the left a little familiar? (Please don't use my email address.)

You gotta admit... -Orsm

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One wrote:
Subject: more cell phone porn
Here is a few more pics from Bunch of Drunks [DoT] net
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: mrs
hey big fan of your site. thought id make my own contribution of my mrs! no details please, enjoy!

Where's the rest!? Doesn't she have boobs?? -Orsm

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Ross wrote:
Subject: This is what happened last Wednesday Northbourne Avenue
This happened at 1.00pm on Wednesday on Northbourne Avenue (Canberra). Apparently the driver walked away with a scratch on the knee!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: And Some Data Recovery Porn
Mr Orsm, This is turning into a regular feature. Selected some more pictures for you to show if you have the space. Have even found the name of the lady showing us all her moves from the name on some of the files - so guys and girls say hello to Angie Hale. Still lots more photos available if anyone is interested. Please hide my name and email as always to keep me in my job. Keep the updates coming. Have fun dude.
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Terry wrote:
DEAD in his favorite chair (reclined), remote in hand... AND the football game is ON! Oh yeah, don't miss the new, silky, black & gold pjs, slippers and beer! And are those a pack of Newports in his ashtray??? Just when you thought you've seen everything .... and yes, this is a regular funeral home..
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Alister wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi ORSM, Saw this awesome bike at Manly Beach, NSW on the weekend. Got a lot of attention from the locals! He was thumping AC/DC tunes on the DVD Player as he came up to the local watering hole. Don't know much about bikes but it looks like a work of art! Even had hydraulics so the bike would move up and down while it was parked! Cheers.
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Bill wrote:
Subject: tractor
How fucken good is this dude

I've seen a guy do that that with his cock... -Orsm

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Reg wrote:
Subject: advert for a swinging bed
check out this advert !!! what? a swinging bed!! some people are sure desperate to sell stuff

Creepy as fuck. Imagine walking into someones bedroom and finding that. -Orsm

click to watch video
spot wrote:
Subject: wet tee comp broome
Hey orsm love ya site bro, this is a video of my mate being the water boy , not bad cos he just broke up with his chick not a bad way to move on
click to watch video
John wrote:
Subject: Bremen Mainstation misguided football fan boozing and singing
Hello Mr. Orsm, The other day i was at Bremen mainstation (Germany) when there was an intoxinated St.Pauli soccer club fan from Hamburg who obviosly catched the wrong train and then decided to make a party on his own. his whole face was gently decorated with pieces of puke. He's singing a traditional German drinking song the way only St.Pauli fans can do it ;-)
click to watch video
click to open

Some Girl wrote:
Only skilled people can open this file....... once you succeed to open this file, you will find names of the people who have managed open this...... Now it is your turn! I have solved this question. You can see my name in this file.

A man wanted to get into his work building, but he had forgotten his code. However, he did remember five clues. These are what those clues were:
The fifth number plus the third number equals fourteen. The fourth number is one more than the second number. The first number is one less than twice the second number. The second number plus the third number equals ten. The sum of all five numbers is 30. What were the five numbers and in what order? The answer unlocks the spreadsheet!

Click for more awesomeness

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look". "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."


Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.  

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. 

The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences!"

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A man goes to a disco and starts chatting with a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee".

When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable.

Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want".

Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck. So he says: "I really fancy a 69..." "Fuck Off" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night!"

I can just about guarantee the niceness of RS this week. You should definitely click through the pics without the slightest concern of finding anything untoward, tawdry or inappropriate. Also, Ray is a great guy and I have a tiny penis. All true honest I swear. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes shaking in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" "Absolutely" nodded the woman, "Black Pepper."

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A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. 

The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "Oh I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


Okay done.

- Sehen sie sich die site archives.
- Следующие обновления будут в следующий четверг.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tie you down, dip his bald head in baby oil and rub it over your naked body.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2008.04.10-23.61

Welcome to Orsm.net WWRayD?

What a weird week. Just could not get my shit together, couldn't find my groove and feel completely disorganised. It's actually a miracle this update got finished on time but for once I'm not to blame. The phone has rung day and night from friends and fam calling for a chat or to pick my brain or whatever. Don't get me wrong - I love them to death but it all seems to stem from a common belief that I don't really work. "How hard can it be looking at porn all day?" they ask. Yeah right. Fuckers. Just more names for the 'people to spite from beyond the grave' list...

The big story doing the rounds this week is the father who hooked up with his daughter and started popping out fuck trophies. I try and keep open minded about everything. I have to. Running this site over the years has made me privy to the extremes of human behaviour but watching this story, these people, their lives, I was disgusted. As a matter of fact I've been trying to think of something which offends me more and aside from homosexuality there really isn't too much that comes close.

Let's break it down shall we. Some guy cracks a fat thirty something years ago and deposits his man seed into his wife's love canal. Nine months later a baby girl pushes her head out. Everyone's happy. Father is then estranged from family and only has sporadic contact with the daughter throughout her life. Jump forward to age thirty, daughter is all sad and mopey after a failed marriage, bumps into her old man and they both feel an attraction. Rather than admonish the unnatural thoughts, seek counselling or do anything resembling the 'right thing' they hop into bed together and get their fuck on.

It's at this point I fail to find a comparison with anything else in nature or the world. You wouldn't fuck the lamb casserole you whipped up for dinner, you shouldn't fuck the daughter you whipped up with your Ex.

The only shit I'm really left wondering is what goes on in the bedroom. Does she go down on her dad... and does she swallow? Does daddy have a penchant for riding the choccy freeway and is she cool with it? The mind boggles. Regardless, they've now popped out a fuck trophy of their own [after their first one died at birth due to a congenital heart defect]. What does this mean? The new baby's daddy is also its grandad. Forgetting the fact the child will no doubt be ridiculed by society I think it has bigger problems - surely it's only a matter of time before the old bloke drops the 'well your mum was cool with it' line...

Moving on... had to replace my DVD burner on the weekend. It was the last lingering issue on my now overhauled PC. The cost - $36. Not too bad. The reason I mention this is because a few weekends back I was at mothers place sorting through some of my old junk. Part of it was a stash of old computer parts, games and what not. At the bottom of a box was a receipt for the first CD burner I ever bought way back in 2001. The cost - $440! Crazy. It was a big deal back then too... no one had a burner and I suddenly became very popular with my friends. But what a useless piece of crap it was. Sneeze and 'burn process failed'. Flush a toilet and 'burn process failed'. Think too hard and 'burn process failed'. You had to walk away and hope that after an hour of burning the disc would work. Thank Christ times have changed though - now you can be watching a movie, have forty-seven torrents downloading, be checking email and Skyping to six mates and it doesn't miss a beat.

Okay enough of that. The longer I waffle on, the longer I deprive you from what will definitely be one of the best updates in the history of Orsm. Why is that you ask? Because I said so. And why does what I say go? Because it does. And why does it? Because my ePenis is massive. Ha and would you look at that... I just managed to squeeze in a whole extra paragraph of waffling. Love it. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

SW FanFic - Game Time - Techno Duck - Sexy Stewardess - Eva Angelina - Barn Brawl - Shave Prank - Fuckfest

Webcam Strip - Slapped - BSG Babe - Toilet Break - Sick Fuck - Smart Bitch - Catherine Bell - Flexible - So Gay

Doing Drugs - Scared For Life - Tasty Blonde - Stupid Scrags - RPG Fishing - Giselle's - Oh Paris - Sophie Monk

Click for more awesomeness

The teacher hears Johnny cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes bitching to Johnny's father. She comes to Johnny's house and notices Little Johnny fucking a goat in the yard. She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son! He cussed in school and now, now he's being carnal with a goat in the yard!" "The little cunt! Today is my turn!" shouted his father.
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "I opened a can of peas instead."
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't! Worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"



This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor - she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

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A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's big shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

"Didn't you say, to the Policeman at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the solicitor. Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Policeman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move".

"However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes".

"Then he came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are you feeling? Now what the fuck would you say?"

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Despite the fact it felt like a quiet mail week it ended up being anything but. There was almost as much legitimate mail as there was spam... just jokes. For the record over 2000 spam emails have nailed me in the last 7 days. Probably didn't help that some dog spammer used my email as the reply to address for a few thousand they sent out. I hope he dies.

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm want list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Neilski wrote:
Subject: Orsm in the news
Avian said "Greetings from the UK Mr ORSM. Just spotted this in the Guardian newspaper. FRONT PAGE dude! Keep up the fine work!" Fuck that, I'd be more worried about the stain above the article.  This due might like you more than you think!
Jeff wrote:
Subject: Hey Orsm
You might want to mention that the school teacher pic in RS is shopped. It's really a man teaching that class.

rang dang wrote:
Subject: A friend of mine was a little drunk
Hi, A friend of mine was a little drunk and was having is photo taken with some other drunk people.

For anyone who doesnt know - that's Bob Geldof in the grey shirt. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: stupid slut
here are a couple pics of this slut that i fucked she was shitty in bed and she made the stupid mistake of sending me pics of her. please keep my details privite.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Terry wrote:
Subject: How to pronounce Oklahoma correctly
I never knew this. I guess I had been pronouncing it correctly, but I never knew the story behind it.. There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce: Oklahoma. The proper way is: "Okla . . . Homa". (There's a pause between the 'a' and the 'h'.)
click to enlarge

RT wrote:
Subject: On the Dole
Thought this might piss a few people off. Then again, it is in the ACT (The home of inaction) Cheers.

Pretty sure we've had this car before but worth seeing again. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics Found On Bosses Computer
Found this while working on my boss's computer. He has no clue, hide my info please.

Hot... I mean... gay. -Orsm

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Philip wrote:
Subject: Pics for website.
Yeah, im a Lance Courpral of Marines. Im stationd in the US right now. One of our new boots (new marines) went out drinking and well, this is his stupidity. This is all i got to say: Beer, shots, and wings at hooters-400.00. Drive home-15.00(gas). Pukeing all over your roomates laptop-1,500.00. Haveing to work in 3 hours-PRICELESS! For everything money cant do, there boots in the marine corps.

click to enlarge click to enlarge
dale wrote:
Subject: Here, Kitty, Kitty!!!
Thank GOD for the plate glass in the door! And, wouldn't this mess up your whole night if you were to take out the trash at the wrong time? These are from a guy out at Watonga, Oklahoma. The pictures were taken from his kitchen onto his patio deck. The critter was watching his little kids playing on the kitchen floor!
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Paul wrote:
Subject: Cracking practical joke
I found these photo's the other day and thought these would make a few people chuckle. The basic idea behind it is as follows. 4 housemates (of which I'm one) lived together for a couple of years then started to go seperate ways with girlfriends etc and moved into their own houses. When the housewarming parties happened themes for presents were thought of. It started out very tame, e.g. the first one was tables. So I got random tables made out of beer cans etc. as I was the first to move. I was lucky!! It then began to escalate. The second one we gave a joint present of digging a hole in the front garden and making a small pond complete with goldfish (one of which went on to live for 2years!). The third we went one stage further and bricked up the front gate! By the time it came to the fourth and final one he decided not to have a house warming which was sacrilege. The attached photo's show what we did as punishment.

Take 4 industrial sized bags of polystyrene. Fabricate a blowing device out of a cornfalkes box and an inflatable bed pump and connect to a car battery. Spend the next 3 hours blowing all four bags through the letter box!! Thank god for night shifts ;). The worst part was neither of us were there to see his face when he went to open the door.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: more data recovered porn
Hello again Mr Orsm. Was great to have the pictures submitted last week on Thursdays update. Wonder if Ange knows about it yet. She obviously likes red as you can see from this second set. Hope these make it into your next update. I will send more from Little Red Riding Hood next week.
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bill wrote:
Subject: W.O.W
An office receptionist got the shock of her life earlier this week when shefound a 14cm long snake entangled in the web of a deadly spider. Tania Robertson, a receptionist at an electrical firm, came in to work on Tuesday and spotted the strange sight next to a desk in her office. The snake, which had obviously died from the spider's poisonous bite, was off the ground and caught up in the web. The National Museum said it was only the second time that he had heard of a snake getting caught in a spider's web. It is believed the snake got caught in the web on Monday night. But it did not take the spider long to bite it. A red mark on the snake's stomach was evidence of where the spider had started eating it.

Travis wrote:
Subject: Wash ya feet !! enjoy ure lunch
OH MY WORD... YOU GOTTA SEE THIS. H20 does not hurt you when you take a bath or just simply wash hey....

If he isn't busy this weekend he's welcome to come fishing with us...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of a crashed Skyline...
Hi, Great site keep up the good work. See attached for 9 pics of a guy who thought he could fly in his Skyline. Straight thru the "T" junction and down a steep bank, rolling end over end a few times - you can see the gouge in the ground where he landed, and the paint where he ended up. Cops thought he would definitely be dead, but he survived…! Give it about a 10/10 for distance, 9/10 for difficulty, and a 7/10 for style...
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den wrote:
Subject: some cool vids of a lass being fucked hard in both holes
some videos i found when i bought a hard drive of this guy, i think he may have left them on on purpose. lass in it takes his ock a few times up the arse without any protection, he then cums up her shitter. what a girl
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: video
another video of a selfish little bitch. love the site! hide my details please.
click to watch video
click to watch video
Dubs wrote:
Subject: A more positive aspect of the technology we do here that doesn't involve blowing things up...
This is a film clip of an F-16 pilot's view while making a night approach at Aspen, Colorado. The right half of the view is the pilot's normal visual path to the runway during darkness---in other words totally black. The left side of the screen is the Forward Looking Infrared (FLIR) which paints the heat signature of the outside terrain so pilots can see at night as though it were daytime. FLIR Technology is a great addition to the cockpit of commercial as well as military aircraft. It enables a pilot to successfully land an aircraft at night under VFR (Visual Flight Rules) Left side - FLIR Landing system presentation. Right Side - Standard eyeball view out of the cockpit. Voices of the pilot and tower operator are audible. Check out the location of the runway with respect to the mountains.

Click for more awesomeness

A Somalia man arrives as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food, free medical care, and free education!" The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Italian."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!" The person says, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australian?" She says, "No, I am from Africa!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?" The African lady checks her watch and says... "Probably at work."


You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus... an old lady who looks as if she is about to die. An old friend who once saved your life. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

- You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
- Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
- However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER, the correct answer is: Leave the old bag to fend for herself, have sex with the hot bitch on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?". She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have vagina" "Yes" she says. The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!".

Something for everyone this week... and I mean EVERYONE. Get your gran - she'll love it. Anyway check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

A few months later he headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex'". Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam".


Well that be all for this week dudes. Update number 15 for the year. If you haven't enjoyed it then I guarantee your money back. And not for the outro...

- Ριξτε μια ματια στο site αρχεια.
- Prossimo aggiornamento sarà giovedì prossimo.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will start placing personal ads in local newspapers and online using your name and home address. The ad will read 'Looking for men with good physic's under 28 years of age for strong penetration meet ups. I enjoy receiving anal and hope to meet strong clean serious genuine guys for fun. I am 196cm, 90kg, 9inch uncut, warm and tight. Visitors welcome all hours. No call necessary. Enter through rear'. That's the kind of guy Ray is. He doesn't mess around.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please remain calm. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2008.04.03-23.55

Welcome to Orsm.net. If you were a friend you would...

April already. What the fuck, Jesus?

I do it to myself... talkback radio during the day, browser homepage set to news.com.au RSS feed from all the big news sites on my desktop and I never miss the 6pm bulletin. Total news junkie. Okay so it probably comes from some sub-conscious desire to feel more intelligent than I really am but suddenly I've reached saturation. Things I am sick of hearing about include: Olympic Swimmers, Robert Mugabe, Wayne Carey, one punch, Princess Diana, binge drinking, Kevin Rudd, Hillary Clinton and David Hicks.

Strangely enough no thinking was required to assemble that list and stranger still they all break down into combinations of each other: binge drinking, one-punching, Olympic swimmers; Kevin's meeting with Hillary; Kevin and Hillary discussing Mugabe... and so on and on and on and on... until I snap... and work out for myself I would be a happier person if I turn off the radio, change my homepage and skip the evening news. If not, tomorrows headline: 'WEBMASTER ADORED BY ALL TAKES OWN LIFE'.

Year two of the three year daylight saving trial is finally over and my mind is still not made up. For the last month or so I've absolutely hated it. It got to that point where I just wanted the sun to be down. Then in the early hours of Sunday morning the clocks rolled back an hour, get through a perfect [weather] day only to be woken up Monday by torrential rain. Shorter day plus cold and wet equals summer to winter overnight. As annoying as the hot season was at times I don't think I'm ready to let it go just yet. The best idea I've heard in regards to the DLS thing is having it in winter instead of summer... will never happen but it would suit me far better and as we all know - what suits ME is best...

One person that does have a problem with it though is my overgrown mutt. She stopped wearing her watch nor does not seem to acknowledge daylight saving so the problem comes late afternoon. Walk and dinner are now an hour later and she aint cool with it. How do I know this? Because the little whore harasses the crap out of me. Funnily enough I didn't notice any complaining when the aforementioned activities started happening an hour earlier...

Much to my chagrin most of Friday, the weekend and Monday were chewed up trying to get my 'fucking computer' fixed. For the last few weeks it's been a long, bitter battle... man against machine and despite thinking it was in the bag several times my 'fucking computer' continued the war. You know when you go from smiling to frowning in a split second followed by 'FUCK' and then anger... that's what it was.

After replacing cables, a power supply, reinstalling and updating every bit of software the 'fucking computer' continued inexplicably and randomly turning off. Eventually it started making noises and it was at this point I figured out the hard drive had failed. Of course I couldn't figure this out when there was time to get the data off could I? No. And of course I couldn't figure it out before I forked out for the new cables and power supply could I? No. And of course I couldn't have figured it out a month ago could I? No.

Out of options I went for the last resort - hard drive in the freezer. I've heard about this little trick a few times and I was amazed when after a 12 hour freeze I was able to plug it back in and watch the 'fucking computer' spin up long enough to get my data back. Very cool [pun intended].

Well would you look at that. I've managed to fill this whole blog thingy without going into excruciatingly boring and unnecessary detail about the weekend that was. I can probably squeeze a few more paragraphs if you guys like...? <silence> Will take that as a no...

Anyway if this is your first time here then well done because this week's update is easily the best one EVER. Seriously. It's so good that if I dropped dead right now I'd be cool with it. Come to think of it... if I do drop dead any time soon can someone please delete everything on my G: drive and the folder called 'thai ladyboy porn'. Don't look, just delete. Thanks. Okay on with the update. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Celeb Cans - Escape - Nude Gymnast - Sneaking In - Aids Man - Drop One - Scared Ya! - Midget Porn - Thai Fucker

Gone Loopy - Close Shave - Predator Rap - Just Deserves - April Fools! - Stalker - What The? - Sugar - Dita Porn

Sign Mosher - Killing Sexy - Frustration!! - C-span Pranks - Weather Gurl - Nut Shots - Hayden's Toe - Scarlet's Nip

Click for more awesomeness

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "all right, get in."
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guy's wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn't find any jewellery from the girl. When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?" "No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you." "Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too." "I slipped it into my... a... my... um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly. "Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"

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The father of a 16 year-old boy who was hospitalised after attempting suicide yesterday has described the act as "typically incompetent" and doubts his son has the ability to "kill ten minutes in a porn shop, let alone himself."

Alfred Morchamp, 56, a South Melbourne-based solicitor went on to describe his son William as "useless", and a "major disappointment", claiming that William's botched attempt at ending his own life proved that he was "incapable of completing simple tasks without stuffing things up."

William was rushed to hospital after being found by a fellow student at prestigious Scotch College hanging by his belt from an overhead pipe in a school toilet block. The student resuscitated William and started his breathing after calling Emergency Services from his mobile phone.

"My understanding is that [William] hadn't even bothered to judge the distance between pipe and floor against the length of his belt properly," Mr Morchamp told reporters. "I'd say that gives a fairly accurate assessment of where that boy's head is at. Probably too busy dreaming up new ways to slack off from his studies to do a simple equation."

"Now that boy who found him - there's a young lad with initiative. The sort of boy a father could be proud of."

This was William's third attempt at suicide in the last 8 months, having unsuccessfully attempted to poison himself with car exhaust fumes in the family's Philip Island holiday house prior to discharging a shotgun before pointing it at his head, destroying part of his bedroom wall.

"He's still paying off the damage he did to that wall," Mr Morchamp said. "I had him cutting the back lawn with his sister's nail scissors to teach him a lesson. But he seemed more concerned with what the girl next door and her friends were doing rather than learning his lesson."

Despite this recent setback, Morchamp still holds out hope for his only son.

"I'm giving him three weeks to turn himself around," he said. "But if he doesn't pull his socks up he's off to the Army. At least there he'll be taught how to handle a weapon like a man."



Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?" Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do." The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?" "Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel."

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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

We've got a pretty substantial reader mail to get through this week. Skipping a week always ends in some pain trying to get through twice as many the submissions but the result is double high quality. It's a viscous circle with a pay off for everybody but me so I hope you bastards are happy.

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm want list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

The Meaning Of wrote:
Subject: The Meaning Of
Hi, how are you going? We are a Perth band, The Meaning Of. We have just released our new album, "The Alligator Festival". The album was just nationally released through MGM, but we are still independent so all the help we can get is hugely appreciated. Keep orsm cranking along cos it is the best site on the net by far, thursday night just wouldn't be the same!!
Alexander the Great wrote:
Subject: reaction to Nick from Crete, on the Macedonia is Greek shit as posted on march 20th, 2008
Dear Nick, I saw your poorly written response on the hilarious gig with a Aussie-Greek chick and her made-fun of Macedonian husband-to-be. As a Macedonian myself; please stay on your peasant island. And get a goddang life. Lighten up, it's just a joke. And what is it to you anyway? You ancient Minoan or semi-mormon / pre-arab island inhabitant has no relation to the city-state Macs up north anywho! Or did the great Thera blowout many, many years ago whipe that part of your memory from national history as well....?

<with held> wrote:
Subject: retarded preacher
i saw the video of the retarded preacher. i thought is was very un tastefull to say the least. i will be the first to admit i am not a close follower of the works of god, but to make fun of a man who is obviously a good man trying to do what so few have the guts to do is simply uncalled for. "thou shalt not temp the lord thy god". i love god and to make fun of one of gods preachers is just not a cool thing to do. i love the website and i am a long time viewer but this was across the line. sorry man.

So of all the fucked up shit that has and does appear on this site and the web in general you have take offence with a video called 'retarded preacher' that featured a preacher acting retarded? Riiiight. And as for the 'what so few have the guts to do' comment - are you for real? Those sick money grubbing evangelist fucks are everywhere. -Orsm

Neil C wrote:
Subject: Fucking Whingers
Every couple of weeks I see an email in your READER MAIL section from some cunt complaining about you taking the piss out of his country, culture, race, sexual orientation, whatever the fuck it is..... They start off with the same old "long time fan, first time contributor" bullshit and then ask you not to wail on their "sensitive" topic anymore. LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP. Noone gives a fuck about your problems as much as you do and in case you hadn't realised in your time visiting orsm.net, it is a fucken entertainment site. Life's too short, if you can't take a fucken joke then move on. p.s. these seppos are starting to piss me off.

See email above... -Orsm

Andrew wrote:
Subject: Handprint
Hey mate, me and the missus were having a bit of fun a while ago and she got a bit naughty. I know 'Australia Says No' but I couldn't resist ?

Naughty girl won't do that again... -Orsm

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NOSHER wrote:
Subject: body piercing
hello great bloke thought you might like this pic of a local church in coventry england, pls hide my email cheers.
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marc wrote:
Subject: New Aboriginal dating site!
Good ole Benny 351 signed up with his new profile on blackmatch.com. What a classic unna! See pic attached! Keep up the great work derr bro~!
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Avian wrote:
Subject: The Guardian
Greetings from the UK Mr ORSM. Just spotted this in the Guardian newspaper. FRONT PAGE dude! Keep up the fine work!

I'm famous biatch! -Orsm

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Hugo wrote:
Subject: SA Vehicle Security
Hi ORSM. It has been a while since I contributed, look at the ingenuity of this. Up yours to all those cunts pinching cars, try to crack this sucker. Regards.
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Vince wrote:
Subject: Frauen parkplatz
Hi Mr Orsm, Long time reader, lova ya site blahblahblah. Found this sign in bielefeld (germany) last weekend in a parking garage. I've seen some strange shit in my dayz and of course on orsm.net, but this I haven't.
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Bill wrote:
Subject: another episode of The telephone pole hunter
Junior takes daddy's viper for ride. A lot of power with an inexperienced driver leads to trouble. I'm sure the curb jumped out in front of him, he hit it & flipped it over! Wild Ride!

It'll buff right out... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: computer data recovery
Hi Mr Orsm, Hello from Worcester, England!! Some guy asked us to recover his data following some problems and made the mistake of mentioning that there was some adult material on the pc! You just have to take a look ... we found hundreds of pictures and some videos of a woman in some hidden files. Well one data disc is never enough so we got ourselves a copy each. Say hello to these pictures of little red riding hood aka Angela - yup he even titled the folder lol. Got hundreds more so expect further submissions ... ain't technology great!! Keep making Thursday great.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: contribution
Monseur ORSM. Continue to love your work and trust this may be worthy of inclusion therein. Revisitation with an old girlfriend toward the end of last year. It looked for a while like we might get back together but I decided that the photos were all I needed to take with me. No details please.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex pics
Please don't show my email. Here are afew pics of my ex who cheated on me and moved all her shit out while I was at work.

Not too shab. By the way - what's her number...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex pics
Here are some pics of my ex. She was a dumb bitch that wouldn't fuck and could barely suck. Anyways she pissed me off so now she is on the internet. I told her to pay attention to your site so I just wanted to say to her "Leave me the fuck alone, bitch!" Oh awesome site and please hide all my details and all that good stuff. Enjoy!
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Fat Tony wrote:
Subject: How not to...
How not to release a bear. I guess he THOUGHT he knew what he was doing. big beautiful grizzly pwnd his ass!
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Eddie B wrote:
Subject: murder in my house
Last summer my best friend and I went 50/50 and bought a place together. Someone decided to come in and shoot and kill him 2:30am while I was at work. This is what I came home to after they removed the body. Its hard to see because its a camera phone but blood was splattered across the walls and the television. They won't say what gun was used but he was executed next to the TV.
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Nigel wrote:
Subject: Wife Anal
Here's a few clips of me and the wife edited together from a recent session. Started off fucking her tight shaven pussy then slipped it into her even tighter arse.
click to watch video
*Dean * wrote:
Subject: mate fucks ronald macdonalds daughter.
Dear Mr. Orsm, thought you would be interested in a video we took of a mate of ours fucking some drunken red head after a foam party in Melb. This is what he gets for bringing her back to a household of 4 guys haha. Love the site, long time reader, first time poster!
click to watch video

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A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

The farmer replied, "One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."

"I can't print that!" said the reporter, "is there another event that made you really happy?" Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."

Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked the farmer, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"

The farmer hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once..."


One Wednesday, little Billy went to school. The teacher said, "For the next three days, I will be asking a trivia question, if anyone answers any of them correctly, they won't have to come to school on Monday.

The first question was, "How many grains of sand are on all the world's beaches?" No one knew, not even little Billy. Suddenly, a paper airplane flew across the room. "Okay," said the exasperated teacher, "who's the comedian with the paper airplane?" No one knew, not even little Billy.

On Thursday, the question was, "How many stars are there in the Milky Way?" No one knew, not even little Billy. Suddenly, a gigantic, phlegm soaked spit wad embedded itself on the blackboard behind the teacher. "Okay," exclaimed the frustrated teacher, "who's the comedian with the spit wad?" No one knew, not even little Billy.

On Friday, little Billy brought to school with him two, large, black bowling balls and hid them under his desk. At the precise moment before the teacher asked the day's trivia question, Billy rolled the two bowling balls down the aisle and they struck the wall behind the teacher with a massive jolt. "Okay," huffed the now infuriated teacher, "who's the comedian with the big black balls?" Little Billy answered quickly,

"Eddie Murphy, see you next Tuesday."

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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left!"

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads!"

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

This weeks RS is all over the place like a mad woman's shit. Dare'th you click the links? Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

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Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what -  
metal, wood, stone - everything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.


The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.  She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. The third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??

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My grandmother died in the 90's, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the country store on Crawford Road, the pocket money she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the car... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. "And always remember this" she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her lovely soft voice.  "Makes your dick look bigger."


Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our three-month-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard... "Poupon."

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Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to the local hardware store can turn out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their beautiful boobies almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another hardware store.

You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on the other's lap.

On the way, they start kissing each other... then one of them turns to you to perform something nasty... while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen March 24th, 25th, 26th, twice on the 28th, on the 29th, 30th, April 1st, 2nd today and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets!

Just a friendly warning.


Well that's all I got. You're no doubt titillated beyond belief and left wanting more so do you [and me] a favour and check out some of the advertisers spread liberally across Orsm.net. I can't promise that advertising revenue goes to help starving children or any of that crap but it does help keep this site free... and help me make car and mortgage repayments... and keep the beer and cigarettes flowing freely...

- Check out the site archives. FACT: Did you know that the site archives are where the site is archived?
- Next update will be next Thursday. Like it or not.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will start acting all normal towards you for a change. You'll be guarded at first because so many times he's pulled this act and before you know it sooner or later he'll start acting like a complete knob and burn you again. This time will be different though. After he's spent long enough being 'normal' and the trust has returned he'll ask you for a favour: "hey can you host my website". You will feel obligated because it's a mate and then once its up and you're hosting the website the old Ray will return. And then what can you do? Nothing... Ray is with you for life.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be such a Wayne Carey. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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