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August 2021...
orsmupdate 2021.08.26-18.43

Welcome to is this thing on...?

Looks like the AFL Grand Final is headed to this side of the country. Thanks, COVID. Nice to see you doing good for a change! This isn't meant to happen because there's a deal for it to be played in Melbourne for 50 years. I'm totally okay with that. It's the home of football, they have a huge capacity stadium and do the whole spectacle better than any other city possibly could. But same as last year, Victoria is under lockdown so the game (most likely) won't be played there. In 2020 it was moved to Queensland and this year its (most likely) headed west.

The thing about this side of the country is we've been insulated and protected from COVID basically since the pandemic began. No major breakouts, only a few short lockdowns and while the rest of the world suffered mass infections and deaths, it's been disturbingly life-as-normal here. Understandably no one is particularly keen to let any of that in.

So when it was announced that the GF would (most likely) be held here, people started losing their minds. Everyone seems to thinks it will just be a free-for-all; that COVID super spreaders from other states will come barrelling across the desert and fuck our shit up. Umm... am I missing something? Our state border is still closed although you can get through if you meet various conditions but even then, anyone coming here has to do the mandatory two-week quarantine. Same as everyone entering from anywhere - quarantine. Then pass testing too. Love it or hate it; that shit has worked. Despite that, the majority of comments I've read are folks who are dead against it. Don't want the GF played here at all. As in pass up the literally once in a lifetime opportunity. Everyone needs to chill TF out and keep in mind that, despite their virtue signalling comments on news stories, there are people whose job it is to assess risks, plan, ensure protocols are adhered to and protect us from bad shit happening. Should be that simple! I'm not saying COVID couldn't get in, it could, but holy shit we can't live in a bubble forever.

Alrighty then, dudes. We should prob get on with the update. I don't want to blow my own trumpet or oversell it but this is the best update anywhere on the internet, that's ever been or ever will be, forever. Check it...

Two flies were on the same piece of shit. One of them cuts a fart, the other one says "Hey! I'm eating!"
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again, he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said "About a thousand feet I guess... or until someone notices the open gate".
Two men were preparing to go out for a day's fishing on the bay. While one of them got the boat ready, the other went to his friend's house to pick up the bait that had been left on the veranda. While he was there, he saw a man in bed with his friend's wife. Back at the boat he announced that he had some bad news, and said what he had seen. His friend took it calmly "Gee you had me worried then. I was afraid you were going to say you'd lost the bait"
A man walks into a wine bar, sits down at a table and studies the menu. A couple of minutes later he looks up to see a beautiful waitress standing in front of him. She is so gorgeous that he gasps with pure lust. "What would you like?" she asks. "A glass of claret and a quickie please" he replies, drooling at the mouth. The waitress is so disgusted she storms off but returns a few minutes later when she has calmed down. Again, she asks "What would you like?" He smiles and says again "A glass of claret and a quickie please". "That's it" she yells, gives him a sharp slap across the face and stomps off. The man sits there dumbstruck when suddenly from the next table a fellow customer leans over and whispers "I think it's pronounced 'quiche'".
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you are obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's arse and say 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she is always sound asleep!".
Three blonde women are sitting on the side of a river. The first one says "Dear God, make me twice as smart as I'm so that I can cross the river". So God turns her into a brunette and she swims across. The second blonde says "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as you made the last girls so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a redhead and she builds a boat and sails across. The third blonde says "Dear God, make me twice as smart as you made the last girl so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.
Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight. He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet, he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soon as he's gone wonder woman gasps, sits up and yells "what the hell was that?!" "I don't know but my ass hurts like hell" replies the Invisible Man.
Anyone know of a cure for sex addiction? I've tried fucking everything.
Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him. The next morning, Peter's wife says "Pete, you bloody worthless idiot, no good drunkard! You were at the bar last night drinking again!" Peter was confused. "How did you find out?" "The bar called. You left your wheelchair there".

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"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market" said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically" remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she isn't good enough for me".
After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment. And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.
I tried to make a corona virus joke a while back. Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.
"DOC! You've GOT to help my husband" a farmer's wife said frantically. "He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay". "I'm sure I can cure him" the doctor replied "but it'll be very costly". "Oh, money's no object" she responded "he's already won two races".


A man invites some of his fetish club friends over for breakfast.

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids' birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they're most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35-year-old dentist, proudly exclaims "Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest penis".

No one argued with Gerald as everyone at the table had seen his penis and it was indeed massive. It didn't matter what room he was in. He probably had the largest penis in it.

Craig, a 26-year-old DJ, casually said "Well I have massive fists".

Everyone nodded silently. Craig's fists were well known and had been in many orifices. He has been known to turn the smallest babbling brook into a vast canyon.

Agnes, a 91-year-old retired welder, proudly said "Well I have the nicest vagina in the room".

Again, no one argued with Agnes. For one, she was the only woman in the room. And for two, despite being 91, she was in good shape and took care of herself to include vaginal exercises.

Tim, a 21-year-old nurse, and the host of the gathering, smirked and exclaimed "Well I have the biggest arsehole here!"

Immediately the group started to murmur amongst itself. They had all been sticking things up their butts for many years (especially Agnes) and there was no way the youngest of the group had the biggest arsehole.

Craig immediately stepped up to the challenge. He had been working on a party trick for a while now and this seemed like the appropriate time to show it. He went to the fridge and found an 8-inch carrot. He then took his pants off, laid down on his stomach and flipped the carrot over his shoulder. It flew in a wide ark and before completely vanishing up his butt.

The group gave a golf clap. The showmanship was impressive but it didn't answer the question at hand.

Gerald decided it was his time to shine. He went to the pantry and found a potato. He then placed the potato on the counter, took his pants off and sat on the potato. Just to show he didn't damage the potato he took it out and showed the group. It looked exactly like it had before it had gone in; although maybe a little browner.

The group was slightly more impressed by this. Butt stuff was Gerald's thing though, so it was expected he'd have something to offer.

Now it was time for Agnes to show all these young amateurs what was up. She went into the garage and found a 2-foot-long, 2-inch-thick wooden dowel. She lifted up her dress and balanced on top of the dowel. She then took a deep breath and dropped to the floor. When she stood back up the dowel was gone.

This was truly impressive, but to be fair, this is a *largest* arsehole contest, not a *longest* asshole contest.

Still smirking, Tim walked into the kitchen and turned on his espresso machine. He steamed the milk and whipped it. He poured in the espresso and added a swirl of caramel and just a touch of cinnamon. He put a doily on a saucer and plated his drink. He casually walked over to the table and placed his drink onto it.

Just as he did a giant fat tabby cat came barrelling into the room, sliding around on the floor, and slamming into walls as he turned corners. He jumps onto the table and immediately swatted the drink off. The cup and saucer shattered and there was liquid everywhere. The cat then peed on the table and tried to scratch Tim.

Agnes, Gerald, and Craig immediately realised the misunderstanding that has happened. An embarrassing quiet fell over the room.

Gerald finally broke the silence "So your cat is the biggest asshole". Then he thinks for a second and goes "Does he hate all coffee or just the fancy stuff?"

Tim looks a little confused and says "It's just the fancy stuff. But the cat's not the biggest asshole. The coffee is just how I get him into the room".

Tim then shoves the cat up his ass.



Previously on Orsm: BEER MADE ME DO IT #3 - BEER MADE ME DO IT #2 - BEER MADE ME DO IT #1 - MORE >>


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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks over to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade" says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says "I think you are American spy".

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy".

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy".

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy".

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies "There aren't many black people in Russia".



Previously on Orsm: #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - MORE >>

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order".

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini".

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end "I've been diagnosed with AIDS".

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered "Mumma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??" "Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone!"



A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be eight again" she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Puffs, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, MandM's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you fucking retard!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is still going to get it wrong!!



Previously: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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There is a small inflatable boy who goes to an inflatable school, in the inflatable town.

One day the inflatable boy is down the back of the inflatable school having a smoke when the inflatable teacher catches him, the inflatable boy panics and pulls out a knife and stabs the inflatable teacher... *PFFFFFFFFFFFT* the inflatable teacher deflates.

The inflatable boy takes off and runs home but his inflatable parents are waiting there for him and he can immediately tell that they know what he has done. Not wanting to be punished the inflatable boy pulls out his knife again and *PFFFFFFFFFFFT* *PFFFFFFFFFFFT* he stabs both of his inflatable parents and they deflate then realising what he has done the inflatable boy stabs himself.... *PFFFFFFFFFFFT* and he deflates.

Later the inflatable boy awakens in the inflatable hospital with the inflatable police officer standing over him. The inflatable police officer looks down at the inflatable boy and shakes his head as he says "Son you've let your teacher down, you've let your parents down but above all else you've let yourself down".




Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you".

Paul, her husband replied "Who is Priscilla?" "Nobody, I was just making sure that you read my message".

Paul took a moment, then replied "But I'm with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?"

Mary couldn't believe it. She had had suspicions for a while. "Where are you?" "Near the vegetable market".

"Wait I'm coming there right now!" forgetting about smudging her manicured finger nails, and her friends coming over, Mary snatched the car keys and within minutes she was at the market.

"Where are you?" she texted her husband. "I'm at the office. Where are you?" "I'm at the market" she replied. "Great" he texted "Don't forget your veggies..."

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A couple, approaching middle age and a few decades into their marriage, decided that the magic was vanishing.

They sought out a highly-regarded counsellor and booked an appointment.

Before he began, he warned them: "My methods are unconventional but effective. I will examine you both and then let you know if I can help you or not".

He then proceeded to give each of them a long, thorough, and gruelling physical, mental, psychological, and physiological examination.

He sat them down in his office afterwards to discuss the results.

"I'm pleased to report that I can help you!"

The couple was ecstatic.

He continued "On your way home from here, stop at the market. Get a box of donuts and a bunch of grapes. Once you are home, take turns. You" he pointed at the wife "have your husband stand in front of you naked. Each time you land a 'ringer', crawl up to him and eat it without using your hands. Then you, sir, have her lay flat on her back with her legs spread. Roll a grape up the floor towards her. Every time you make a 'hole in one', crawl up to her and eat it without using your hands".

This was certainly unorthodox, but the couple went home and tried it, with spectacular results.

Some months later, they were having dinner with another couple in a similar situation as they had been. They strongly urged the couple to go see the counsellor. They eagerly booked an appointment the next day.

After the same long, thorough, and gruelling physical, mental, psychological, and physiological examination, he sat them down in his office afterwards to discuss the results.

"I'm sorry, but as I said at the beginning of your appointment, I can either help you or I can't. My system is very binary, and I am afraid that I can't help you".

Devastatingly disappointed, the couple begged him to reconsider, citing the wonderful experience relayed to them by their friends.

"Okay, I'll do this just once for you, but don't tell anyone that I initially refused you. On your way home from here, stop at the market. Get a box of Cheerios and a basket of grapefruit..."



PIERCED NIPPLES previously: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - MORE >>

A man boarded a plane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman walking up the aisle straight towards him. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business at this convention?" "Lecturer" she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality".

"Really? What kind of myths are there?" "Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish".

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry" she said "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name". "Tonto" the man said "Tonto McTavish, but my friends call me Paddy".


RANDOM SHITE 2021 08 26

Previously: 19th Aug. - 12th Aug. - 5th Aug. - 29th Jul. - 22nd Jul. - 15th Jul. - 8th Jul. - 1st Jul. - 24th Jun. - MORE >>

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A company, feeling it's time for a shake-up, hires Marvin as the new CEO.

As the new boss, he's determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, he notices a guy leaning on a wall with his hands in his pockets just looking about at the busy scene.

The room is full of very busy workers and Marvin wants to let them know he means business. He walks up to the guy and asks 'How much money do you make a week?' The young fellow looks at him and replies 'I make $300 a week. What has it got to do with you?"

Marvin hands the guy $300 in cash and screams "*I* am the Boss here and any time I see anyone loafing around here doing nothing they will get one week's salary and escorted off the premises. Here's a week's pay, now fuck off and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, Marvin looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" One of the workers answers "He's the pizza delivery guy waiting for the money".


A man, while playing on the front nine of a confusing golf course, became lost as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his predicament and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole".

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th hole, you are one hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole".

Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said "Let me buy you a drink for all your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, too. What do you sell?" She replied "If I tell you, you'll laugh". "No, I won't". "Well, if you must know" she answered "I work for Tampax".

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said "See, I knew you would laugh". "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"




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It was a fine sunny morning and Jim a young farmers lad was chopping wood in the backyard of the farm where he worked, when his fore finger caught the blade of the sharp axe cutting it badly.

Bleeding heavily, he dressed the wound with his handkerchief and proceeded to the main farmhouse for a Band-Aid.

The main building was a good ten minutes' walk from the yard, and he met Mary the pretty young farmers daughter milking the cows in the back cowshed.

Noticing Jim was in pain she asked him "What's up?" "Oh nothing really" said Jim "I cut myself chopping wood" showing her his wounded finger.

Trying to help Jim she remembered an old wives' tale that her mother had told her as a young girl.

"You don't want to walk all that way to the farmhouse, do you?"

So she proceeded to explain how she could help Jim with his wounded finger.

"Well, my mother has an old family remedy for that". "What's that?" asked Jim curiously. "Well, if you stick your finger up my bum, it should stop the bleeding in no time and save you a long walk, do you want to give it a try?" "Okay" said Jim "let's give it a go".

They go behind the barn and it goes very quiet and whilst bending over Mary says "Jim that's not my bum!" And Jim replied "Yes I know, and it isn't my finger neither!"


Well peoples that is update all over. Oh except this last bit. Read this last bit...

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Well, has done. But you shouldn't let that stop you from following...
-Check out the archives. It's the smart move.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Hey - do I ever let you guys down? (except that time I let you guys down in May..)
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll smasssssshhhhh you in the nuts.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2021.08.19-20.20

Welcome to I've already said this but I can't say this enough.

As I sit down to type some words all I can think is that it's been a pretty boring week. But obviously who has the fucking time to be bored? Might have something to do with the update being totally under control and on schedule whilst my favourite 80's station plays in the background. Got me all whatever the opposite of stressed is, especially for a Thursday, and that's a feeling I'm unfamiliar with so quite possibly explains the confusion. But as I was saying - pretty boring week. No major dramas, not calamity's, I'm sleeping like a boss, shitting like a champion, even got a big thumbs up from the dentist... not that those last ones are usually an issue; I really just wanted to talk about my poop in a public setting. Speaking of bowel movements - this update is not one but definitely contains some people and things who and that are. PLUS... So. Much. More. Check it...

A golfer sets his ball on the tee and lines up his shot. He takes a massive swing and puts the ball into a huge forest of trees along the fairway. He finds his ball and sees an opening he thinks he could sneak the ball through. Taking out his three wood, the golfer takes another mighty swing. The ball bounces off a tree and fires back at him, nailing him in the forehead and killing him instantly. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and asks how his golf game had been progressing. The golfer said to St. Peter confidently "Got up here in two, didn't I?"
Two men are enlisted into the army, given guns they are told to shoot anyone seen after the 6 o'clock curfew. Sitting on a roof they see someone, raising his rifle one of the soldiers shoots the man. "What have you done!?" says his mate "it's only 5:45". "I know where he lives" says the man "He would never had made it home for 6 o'clock".
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to remove your cat".
A biker walks into a seedy old tavern. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newbie rider bravely asks the old biker. "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says "Nah, you go ahead". Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chilli back into the bowl. The old biker quietly says "Yep, that's as far as I got, too".
A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train". Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a $10M cheque saying "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a brand-new train too".
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you". "That wasn't my daddy" said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
I had to go to the doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone. I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia-shaped like musical instruments. He was amazed and said "Well, in 27 years as a GP I've never seen anything like it. Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her fanny was shaped like a mouth organ" I said "That'll be Our Monica!"

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My friends think I'm gay for buying a pogo stick. Maybe I am, but I think it's still impressive that I can fit it up my arse.
A holiday maker called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach" he was told. "But how will I recognise it?" asked the man. Came the reply "It's the one with all the broken windows".
I knew a local family whose daughter was massively overweight and very unattractive. I remember one day her mum came and spoke in assembly, explaining that her daughter had hanged herself last night as a result of the constant bullying. The whole school was in shocked silence until one lad shouted out "Fuck, that must have been a strong rope!"
I sent my hearing aid off in the post to be repaired. It's been two weeks and I still haven't heard anything.


A man walks into a bar.

"Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy". Bartender asks "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?" The guy says "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here".

He then pulls a little 3-inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "You mean to say, he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all and more" the man retorted.

So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" The man flicks a coin down to the end of the bar and says "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that". The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the coin and runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock.

"That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?" The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eyes and says "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native witch doctor a stupid cunt".



Previously: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


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A bloke comes back from his holiday in the Far East getting shooting pains in is his penis so he goes to see his doctor who examines him.

Doc: "Oh dear Mr Johnson, it looks very much like you have contracted Chinese Gonorrhoea".
Johnson: " What does that mean?"
Doc: " I don't know how to say this, but... we are going to have to amputate your penis".
Johnson: " WHAAAAAT???? You can't do that! NO! NO! I'm a young man! I can't do without my penis!!"
Doc: "Well I have a Chinese colleague who could have a look for you, but I'm pretty sure it's Chinese Gonorrhoea. I think the penis will have to come off".
Johnson: Fuck that! What's his name? I'll go see him..."

So off he goes to see to see the Chinese doctor.

Chinese doc: "Ah yea, it Chinese gonorrhoea OK".
Johnson: PLEASE don't tell me I will have to have my penis amputated? Please, please!"
Chinese doc: " Ha ha ha! Who tell you that?"
Johnson: "That English doctor mate of yours..."
Chinese doc " Ha ha ha! He silly man. All you need is tablets".

Johnson sinks to his knees sobbing with relief.

Johnson: "*Sob sob* So all I have to do is take the tablets? That's all? No amputation?
Chinese doc: "No - just tablets!"
Johnson: " Oh thank you God, thank you, thank you!" (tears of relief running down his face, crying and laughing at the same time)

Chinese doc: "Nah, you go home Mr Johnson you be OK - take one tablet in morning, one at night... one-week, two-week, cock drop off by itself ".




The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance.

All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church?" "No" said the priest "There are no midget nuns in the church".

A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in the city?" "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church" says the priest.

Again, the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest.

The dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?" The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, no midget nuns in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!! Now sit down!!!"

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church...

"Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"



A lawyer and the Pope were both killed in an accident.

The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.

"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings" said St. Peter.

They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.

The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.

The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter "Just a minute!" That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here".



Previously on Orsm: TIME TO WINE #4 - TIME TO WINE #3 - TIME TO WINE #2 - TIME TO WINE #1 - MORE >>

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Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy, sign up for the police academy.

The Jewish guy goes in first and the captain says to him "We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to the academy 'Who killed Jesus?'"

The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it". The captain says "Right, you're admitted".

The Italian guy goes in next. The captain asks him the same thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?" The Italian guy says "The Romans did it". The captain says "Right, you're admitted".

The Polish guy goes in and the captain repeats the question. The Polish guy says "Gee, I don't know". The captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him.

The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her "You won't believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!"



Previously: #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - MORE >>

A cruise ship was wrecked in a storm, and the handful of survivors were washed up on a desert island without food or water.

When dawn came, they saw that the ship was washed up on a sandbar just a few hundred feet away.

However, the inlet was crawling with hungry sharks. The strongest young man volunteered to bring back the food. "I'm strong and I'm a good swimmer. I think I can make it".

He dove in and give it his best shot, but the sharks devoured him before he had a chance to get close to the ship.

"I'm a clergyman" another man volunteered. "The Lord will protect His servant".

But he too became shark chow.

Finally, a lawyer stepped forward. "I think I can get to the ship" he said.

Sure enough, as soon as he got into the water, a dozen sharks lined up and escorted his to and from the ship. He made the round trip unharmed and brought everyone some food.

"It's a miracle!" several of the passengers shouted. "Nah, it's no miracle" the lawyer replied. "It's just professional courtesy".

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The Devil sat at the gates of hell.

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man's file.

"This can't be right" the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil "I've been a good man my whole life". The Devil nodded apologetically "Most people said this when they arrived at Hell. Why don't you start with how you died and we'll figure it out" he said.

The old man sighed and said "Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don't get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time. And that's when everything went crazy! Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I've ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous! And that's when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don't know where mice have been, what if it had've bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?"

"So what did you do?" the Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.

The old man continued "You don't get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must've been. Too many phones these days, that's what causes it. I did the only thing I could! I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn't that good anymore, but I whacked it good! The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal. But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know they're dead. Otherwise they'll be back with others!"

"So you killed it?" the Devil asked.

Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.

The old man nodded "By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight. It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I'm here".

"Well" the Devil said, concerned "This doesn't seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we'll try and see what's going on here".

The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialled a number. "Hey Jesus bro" the Devil said "I think I've got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up".

The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.

The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said "You're all good, they just want to know where you were when you died".

The old man nodded "Oh that's easy, I was at Disneyland".



VEINY BREASTS Previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


You pick up a hitchhiker... a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital.

Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, and probably have been since birth.

You're extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.


RANDOM SHITE 2021 08 19

Previously: 12th Aug. - 5th Aug. - 29th Jul. - 22nd Jul. - 15th Jul. - 8th Jul. - 1st Jul. - 24th Jun. - 17th Jun. - MORE >>

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A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland.

He told the tailor "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a mighty drafty up dem tings".

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it".

The lad rushed home and donned his kilt. He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said "Well, what'd ye think?" "Ah, but dat's a fine-looking kilt" she exclaimed. "Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath" he bragged as he lifted his kilt. "Oh, but dat's a dandy" his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realising that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"


A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.

After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30pm the second guy says "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night".

The first guy replies "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning".

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes.

The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother".





Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why Hooters?" "They have those waitresses with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs". "You're on".

At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters". "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games". "OK".

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters". "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking". "OK".

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy". "Good choice".

At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters". "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts". "Great choice".

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Because we've never been there before". "Okay, let's give it a try".


Well dudes that is today's update done, dusted and put to bed. If you've made it this far then all the hours in front on my PC were all worth it. If not, then they weren't so you'll never read me telling you go GFY...

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Might even update it one of these days.................
-Check out the archives. Every single update literally ever all in one very convenient... archive.
-Next update will be next Thursday. See you then, okay.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll huff and I'll puff and blowwwww... all the coke up my nose before you get a chance to have any.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2021.08.12-17.54

Welcome to shut your hole, Wang Chung.

Miracle of miracles today as the update is ready and up ahead of schedule. That pretty much never happens and I'm going to make the most of this little windfall and keep the typing to a bare minimum. My body could actually use the rest too - still not over the cold I picked up last week. So without further faffing lets delve into the greatness that is Thursday's Orsm update check it...

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy". Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mum".
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted "Can you float alone?" "Obviously" the banker replied "but this is a heck of a time to talk business".
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time" muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this". "Err, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning" the neighbour began. "Gee, I'm awfully sorry" said Robinson with a smug look "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day". "In that case" said the neighbour "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said "If you'll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven. " "I don't know, sir" the boy replied. "You don't even know how to get to the post office!"
Abby's roommate had a blind date. "How did it go?" Abby asked her the following morning. "Terrible!" she answered. "He showed up in a 1950 Rolls Royce". "Wow!" remarked Abby. "That's a very expensive car. He must be very rich. What's so bad about that?" Back came the reply "He was the original owner".
A man walks into the Tourist Information Centre in and asks "Excuse me, what's the quickest way to get to Land's End?" "Are you walking, or do you have a car?" asks the tourism advisor. "I have a car" replies the man. "Good - because that's the quickest way" says the advisor.
There are three mums. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed". They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake ID in my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her. Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis".
The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica "What part of the human body increases to 10 times its normal size when excited?" Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy... the pupil of the eye". "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. "Rear toilet?" he suggests. "Five minutes" she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. "Right, get that condom on" she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharp-eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to. So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector".

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I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her. He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place. "Is this your only child?" asked the landowner. "No, I have 12 children" replied the man. "Then where are the other 11 kids?" "In the cemetery with my wife" he calmly replied.
A strange woman looked through my window this morning and saw me watching porn and masturbating furiously. Thankfully after about ten seconds of shocked embarrassing silence the lights turned green.
The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London. Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. "Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry" apologises the embarrassed Queen. "Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"


It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed" the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes" the man at National Weather Service again replied "it's going to be a very cold winter".

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever". "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied "Well, we've heard that the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".



Previously on Orsm: EVERYONE LOVES PIZZA #1 - MORE >>


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A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods.

Searching for his ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on his head and golf ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball" the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddye want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise". And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy" the Leprechaun says to himself. " I'll have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life".

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here" the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now". He adds "By the way, it's good to see you're all right".

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, ye know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out a pile of $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also". And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly "It's OK". "C'mon now" urged the Leprechaun "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers "Once, sometimes twice a week". "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well" says the golfer "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish".



Previously on Orsm: CREAM PIE #1 - MORE >>

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's.

His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wonder about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked "How do you like the place?" "It's okay" he said "But, they won't let me fart!"



It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes more difficult for them to maintain the same standard of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman. My name is George, let me relate how I handled the situation with my over-sensitive wife Mildred. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Mildred to take on an extra job to generate the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started the job I began to notice how she was showing her age. I now get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she always says she needs to rest for half an hour before making dinner. I don't shout at her, I just tell her to take her time and wake me up when dinner is on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub, so eating out again is unacceptable; I'm ready for home cooking when I get in.

She used to do the dishes when we finished eating, but now she leaves them lying around for several hours. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her every few minutes that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this as she usually washes them before bedtime.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she complains that she has not enough time in her lunch hour to do all the shopping. I smile, and suggest that she spreads the shopping over 2 or 3 days, and that it wouldn't do her any harm to skip lunch completely once in a while. Tact is one of my strong points.

I know I look like a saint in the way I support Mildred. Showing this much consideration is not easy. Many men will find it difficult - some will find it impossible. However, if you show a little more tact and diplomacy towards your ageing wife as a result of reading this, I will consider writing it was well worthwhile.

NOTE: George died last week, he was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver stuck in his eye socket only 2-inches protruding. His wife Mildred was arrested, but an all-female jury accepted her defence that he had accidentally fell on it.



Previously: HAPPY #6 - HAPPY #5 - HAPPY #4 - HAPPY #3 - HAPPY #2 - HAPPY #1 - MORE >>

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Paddy had been drinking whiskey at his local pub all day and most of the night celebrating St. Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore whiskey tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"By Jeepers... I'm a little crocked" he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No damn way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says "I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned.... you left your wheelchair at the pub".



Previously: #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - MORE >>

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate downsizing and its effects on a 50-year-old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

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A boy goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he calls home.

"Dad" he says "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in our institution that will teach our dog, Jack, how to talk!" "That's amazing "his father says. "How do I get Jack in that program?" "Just send him down here with $10,000" the young boy says "and I'll get him in the course".

So his father sends the dog and $10,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Jack doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm" he says "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!??"says his father. "No kidding! How do we get Jack in that program?" "Just send $20,000, I'll get him in the class".

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog!!

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Jack? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad" the boy says "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jack was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Economic Times, like he usually does. Then Jack turned to me and asked "So, is your father still having an affair with that pretty lady Rachel who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother!" "I sure did, dad!" "That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school and is now a politician.



Previously on Orsm: TORPEDO TITS #2 - TORPEDO TITS #1 - MORE >>

Manny was almost 29-years-old.

Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally, a friend asked him "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No" Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen" his friend suggested "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear 'ole Mother?"

Many weeks passed before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?" Manny shrugged his shoulders "Yes I found one just like mum. My mother loved her, they became great friends".

"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not. My dad can't bloody stand her!"


RANDOM SHITE 2021 08 12

Previously: 5th Aug. - 29th Jul. - 22nd Jul. - 15th Jul. - 8th Jul. - 1st Jul. - 24th Jun. - 17th Jun. - MORE >>

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John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.

During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.

She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

Realising only too well what his mother was thinking, John said "I can see your wheels turning Mum and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates".

A few days later, Judy went to John and said "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?" "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure" replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter...

"Dear Mum, Whilst I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son".

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read...

"Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mum".


A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows.

"Comrades, you shouldn't joke like that here. Every room is bugged, you know..." "Nonsense! Who would listen to us?" "Well, let me show you..."

The man walks up to a socket and says into it "Comrade major, can I have a cup of tea please?"

Sure enough, the staff member soon enters with a cup of tea.

"See, told you".

The three men are pale and quiet for the entire night, so the tired man finally gets some good sleep.

He wakes up the next morning alone. He walks downstairs and asks the receptionist about the fate of the three men.

"At 3 in the morning the KGB came and arrested them. Comrade major also said that he liked your little trick, but warned you to be careful next time".





One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden, a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband, concerned, agreed that the doctor could use any method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the lip of my dick, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina".

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it".

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement; she began to moan and groan aloud. "Oh, Doctor, Doctor!" she shouted.

The doctor, concentrating hard, looked to be enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became annoyed and shouted "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you 're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard instead!"


Well dudes that's about all I'm good for. And That's not to minimise it - I know what's been done here today was exceptional executed in a far from perfunctory manner.

-Follow me on Facebook. Updated sporadically with all the SFW stuff you see on Orsm.
-Check out the archives. They're worth it I promise.
-Next update will be next Thursday... in case you hadn't worked that one out already...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll force you to eat garlic so strong it will be DAYS before your breath doesn't stink. And then I'll do it again. Do not mess with me, people!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2021.08.05-19.44

Welcome to only 19 more updates 'til Christmas...

If I wasn't already hating this piece of shit winter enough already, picking up a chesty cold hasn't exactly helped. The only thing that seems to make it better is bumping into some fuckface friend-of-a-friend who rips out the "Maybe its COVID?" Ha ha... hur dur. Actually no... the thing that makes it better is turning that into a lecture absolutely no one asked for about why he isn't getting the COVID jab. Looked at me sympathetically when I said mine was coming up this week too. "I read a lot about this stuff" Oh do youuuu? He then went on to educate me about the world [as he sees it] in a very well-rehearsed "You see, the world economy is built on greed, corruption and power". Honestly, I've never been more happy to see my Uber roll up and whisk me away from the insanity.

Alright then, peoples. What I have for you today is a simply stunning new Orsm update. And there's really no point me selling it any more than that. You'll see for yourselves as you make your way through. So stop reading my words and go do that. Check it...

It was 2021, a pandemic raged. A shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued".
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks "What are you staring at?" "A spider" he replies. "I don't see anything" she says. "Oh, it must have fallen on your head" he said calmly. The wife jumps up screaming. The man says "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"
You rarely hear the name Lance these days. In Medieval times men were called Lance a lot.
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy breasts, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy. "You idiot!!" said the farmer "You've shot my wife!"
A man walks into a store and is looking at the handbags. He picks one up and asks the assistant how much it would cost. The assistant replies "$200 for that one". Shocked the customer says "$200! Why does it cost so much? It's only small and doesn't look anything special". The assistant says "It's the material it's made of". Confused the customer asks "What is it made of then?" The assistant grins and says "Foreskin. It's unique - you give it a bit of a rub and a lick and it grows into a suitcase!"
A man turned up for a fancy-dress party with a woman on his back. This led to the following conversation with another guest "What have you come as?" "A snail" "Well, who is that on your back?" "Oh, that's Michelle".
A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23-year-old beauty? "Simple" grins the millionaire "I faked my age". His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said. "Well" he replied. "I said I was 87!"
Donald Trump Parade in Washington. A friend of Donald -maybe a golfing buddy- told him that he had a fantastic dream the other night: There was a really, really big, huge parade in Washington celebrating Trump. Hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, lined the parade route, and cheered and cheered when Donald went past. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Really Huge! Donald was very impressed and said "That's really great! The best! By the way, how did I look? Was my hair okay?" His friend said that he couldn't tell. The casket was closed.
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C. I want my baby to be healthy". A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron. I want my baby to be big and strong". They continued knitting. Finally, the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide" she said "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

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One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him "Mummy is at a Tupperware party". This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked "What's a Tupperware party, dad?" I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son" I said "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other". He nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, dad" he said. "What is it really?"
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can u describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair".
I've just got home from watching a football match involving 22 patients from a Stroke Rehabilitation Centre. It was the most one-sided games I've ever seen.


A city man moves into the country and on the way to his new home he passes a few farms.

"Honey now that we live in the country, I think it would be right that we owned a few farm animals. I'm going to go out to those farms we passed and see about buying a few".

The farms aren't far so the man decides to walk and soon finds himself at the first farm.

"Hello sir, I'd like to buy some animals for my new home, I see you have chickens. Can I buy one?" "You sure can, but around these parts we call them pullets". "Oh sorry, I'll take one pullet please".

The man buys his pullet, puts it under his arm and carries on.

Upon reaching the next farm he discovers this farmer sells roosters.

"Sir, I like your roosters and I'd like to buy one". "Well son you can buy one, but around these parts well call them cocks". "My apologies, I'll take your best cock".

The man buys a healthy-looking cock and puts it under his other arm and carries on.

The man stumbles upon the last farm he saw on his drive home and stops in.

"Excuse me, I'm new to town and would like to buy a few animals. What's up with that donkey over there? "That old lazy ass over there? Hell, you can take him, but be warned that is one lazy ass. He'll sit down randomly and won't move unless you scratch him behind the ear". "Well that's rather peculiar but I can't pass a free donkey!" "That's an ass, you sound ridiculous calling it a donkey like that!" "Oh I'm sorry, I'll take the ass and be on my way".

The man is walking home, hands full with the animals he bought when it happened. The donkey sat down and had to be scratched or it wouldn't move! But if he put down the hen or the rooster it would run off. He didn't know what to do until he saw a young farmer girl walking by.

"Excuse me, miss... miss! I need your help! Please, hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass!!"



Babes delivering VAGINA SLIPS previously: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


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Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.



GREAT OUTDOORS previously: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7- #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Three Aussie guys all go to a building site in London answering to an advert for brickies.

The foreman asks them if they each can each build a small wall out of a pile of bricks outside the foreman's office. They oblige, the foreman checks on them and confirms that the work was a high enough standard, so he decides to hire all three.

He figures he better do a health and safety check but since he is desperate for workers, he decides to make it pretty simple and just asks each of them a simple question: "What would you do if you were up a scaffolding and dropped a brick?"

The first Aussie says "Shout *FALLING BRICK!* to warn anyone working below me". The foreman replies "That's fine, you're hired, go up that scaffolding and get to work".

The second Aussie replies "I would shout *FALLING BRICK, WATCH OUT BELOW!* to warn those below me". The foreman replies "Good good, you're also hired, go up that scaffolding and get on with the job".

The third Aussie however has a pretty bad stutter and replies "I w-w-w-w-would also shout *F-F-F-F-F-Falling B-B-B-B-Brick!* as a w-w-w-warning to others". Now the foreman realises this could be a bit of an issue but since he is desperate for workers just tells the lad to be careful and not drop anything.

Within an hour the first Aussie drops a brick and shouts down *FALLING BRICK!* and everyone below got out of the way without a problem.

Later on the second guy also drops a brick and shouts down *FALLING BRICK, WATCH OUT BELOW!* and once again everyone below moved out of the way without any issues.

Eventually the third guy also drops a brick and begins to shout "F-F-F-F-F-F..."

... but as he is still shouting, the brick falls and hits an Englishman right in the head, killing him outright...

"...ucking B-B-B-beauty!!!!"



The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in? I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn"t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock!" When I asked him why, he said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted".



Previously on Orsm: NATURAL LIGHT #2 - NATURAL LIGHT #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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Two runners between villages in deepest, darkest Africa are running a jungle trail when they hear a noise in the bush.

They check it out, and it is a man who has been attacked by as wild animal. His left eye has been clawed out, his right arm has been bitten clean off, and his willy has been completely bitten off. He is still alive though, so they pick him up and take him into the local village witch doctor.

The doctor sees the patient's eye, and thinks "I have the eye of an eagle" so he puts that aside.

He looks at his arm and thinks "I have the arm of a gorilla" so he puts that aside.

He can't figure out what to do about his missing wiener, though. His wife sees him puzzling over that and suggests "You have the trunk of an elephant, why don't you use that?" He agrees, sows the man up, and sends him on his way.

Two weeks later the man returns to thank the doctor, and says "Hey doc, you know that eye you gave me... I can see an ant on that mountain two miles away. I couldn't do that before!" The doctor puffs out his chest in pride, and says "That's because I gave you the eye of an eagle!"

The man says "That is so cool, and hey Doc, look what I can do with this arm" and rips a banana tree down to the ground. "I couldn't do that before!" The doctor tells him that is because he gave him the arm of a gorilla. The man says "That is so amazing!"

He then looks a little sheepish, and says "Hey doc, I DO have one little problem. You know that thing you gave me 'down there'... it keeps trying to shove grass up my arse!"



GIRLS KISSING previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A lady dies and goes to heaven.

She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.

Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks. "Oh, don't worry about that" says Saint Peter "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.

A few seconds later, she hears another agonised scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.

"What was that?!" she asked anxiously. "Oh, don't worry" says Saint Peter soothingly "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings".

The lady starts to back away.

"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you" says the lady. "But you can't go there" says the saint "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "That's alright" says the lady "I've already got the fucking holes for that!"

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A teacher is teaching class one day and tells her students "Today I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that starts with that letter. "The first letter is "A'"

Little Johnny's hand flies up.

"No" the teacher thinks for sure he's going to say 'Arse'.

A moment later Suzy's hand goes up. The teacher calls on her.

"Apple "Suzy says. "Very good Suzy! The next letter is 'B'"

Again, Little Johnny's hand darts up.

"No" thinks the teacher, he's definitely going to say 'Bitch'.

Tommy's hand goes up. "Yes, Tommy?" "Bat" Tommy says. "Very good, Tommy!" the teacher compliments.

This goes on through the whole alphabet and every time she says a letter Johnny's hand goes up.

Finally, they get to the letter 'R' and only Johnny's hand goes up. She thinks about it a minute and can't think of a single bad word that starts with 'R' so she nervously calls on Johnny.

"Rat" says johnny. "Very good, Johnny!" the teacher says. "A big fucking rat with balls THIS big!" responds Johnny.



Previously: CUTE #12 - CUTE #11 - CUTE #10 - CUTE #9 - CUTE #8 - CUTE #7 - CUTE #6 - CUTE #5 - MORE >>

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it". The Rabbi asked "What's wrong?" The man replied "My wife is going to poison me".

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks "How can that be?" The man then pleads "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know".

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said "Yes" and the Rabbi replied "Take the poison".


RANDOM SHITE 2021 08 05

Previously: 29th Jul. - 22nd Jul. - 15th Jul. - 8th Jul. - 1st Jul. - 24th Jun. - 17th Jun. - 10th Jun. - 3rd Jun. - MORE >>

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An old couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife "Just think, we've been married for 50 years". "Yeah" she replied.

 "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together". "I know" the old man said "but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago". "Well" Granny snickered "what do you say, should we strip?"

So, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey" the little old lady said "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago". "I wouldn't be surprised" replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge".


After a two-week criminal trial in a very high-profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes, we have, your honour" The foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me" the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman "Please read your verdict to the court".

"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery" stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The man's attorney turns to his client and asks "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says "I'm real confused here. Does this mean I can keep the loot or do I have to give all the money back?"





So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert when he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection.

"Howdy! Whatcha doin?" the cowboy asks the Indian. "It old trick we use to tell time of the day" the Indian says.

"Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?" the cowboy inquires. The Indian glances down at his penis and says "Almost 10 in morning".

The cowboy thanks the Indian for the time and travels on. A few hours later, he stumbles on another naked Indian laying on the ground with an erection.

"Howdy partner, what time is it now?" the cowboy asks. The Indian glances down and says "Just a past 2 in afternoon".

The cowboy thanks him kindly and mosies on.

A few hours later he finds yet another naked Indian, but this one is stroking his penis pretty vigorously.

"Howdy partner, I saw your two friends earlier could tell me the time, but what are you doing?" The cowboy asks "Me just winding clock".


Well dudes that is update d-o-n-e DONE. If you've made it this far then I hope it was worth your time.

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Edging ever closer to that 1,000 update mark!
-Next update will be next Thursday. As long as the Pfizer jab doesn't kill me of course.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll tell mum and dad.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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